Frustrated with Husband's Priorities This Week

It was just one week. If he did stuff like this all the time, I could see talking to him about it, but for just this one week, I would cut him some slack. It just doesn't seem like a very big deal to me and I've also learned that my husband is not a mind-reader. Nobody is.

It's very similar in my house... My husband can never leave work early just to get home before we sit down to dinner vs after as is usually the case. But if he has to get a new part for his bicycle or some personal errand, THEN he can leave work early... I've basically accepted it. You put it well that he has a to do list and works on that while my todo list is first of all, mostly for the kids, but secondly, my stuff is always last and revolves around when i can do it without disrupting time with the kids. My husband just doesn't work like that... And he's a good dad too. Just more self centered or self focused than I am in this area.

Wow, I don't know how the recovery of an alcoholic works, but he still needs to attend 2 meeting per week after 25 years? Does he really NEED to attend so many meetings or is this just a social thing for him? What do you do if you ever go on vacation? It would seem that perhaps he could skip a meeting or two when family was in town...

Again, I apologize and I don't mean to offend you. It just seems strange that he is that dependent on these meetings after so much time has passed....

Doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me. But I accepted long ago that I'm a lot more "into" the kids than my husband is. He's a wonderful dad and provider, but he doesn't need to be with them as much as I do, and they don't seem any worse for the wear.
My FIL raised 8 kids and worked long hours six days a week. My husband and his siblings really only saw their dad on Sundays, for church and Sunday dinner, and they all grew up to be fine loving parents.
I would let your husband be the kind of dad HE wants to be.
Can you imagine if he was constantly trying to get you to mother in a different way, wouldn't that be annoying, and just not helpful?

I think that we, as wives, women, and mothers, need to get over this need to ensure that everyone does things they was we would do them.

Sometimes we just need to step away and let people be who they are. To let go of this need to be in control of everything and everyone. Quit trying to micromanage your husband's time. Do you think he is inept unless he does things in the exact order you deem right? Honor his choices instead of undermining them with judgment.

The kids will be fine. They'll see him tomorrow. Put them to bed at their normal time.

Yes, it's a male/female thing. And it's also a thing in that the kids are ..... well, kinda, your job. I don't mean because you are a woman it is your job, but women seem to often be mentally geared toward the kids.

Sounds like your husband is a good Dad. This is a minor offense. He even is willing to hear what you say and consider it. Consider yourself lucky and be grateful. My husband traveled the entire time my children were small. He was gone 2-3 nights a week (sometimes more) their entire childhood. When he got home he was somewhat fried. He tried his best to be present. Weekends were kids time. If one of the kids had something special at school, he tried (but was not always able to) to arrange his travels around it. Yes, there were times I had to remind and re-direct him to keep him on track. LOTS OF TIMES! His mindset was work, work, work...... his job! My mindset was kids, kids, kids..... my job! For some odd reason even though you are working you can still see the kids, kids, kids. Maybe it's because women multi-task better or maybe it is the maternal instinct. I don't know, but I would try not to let the small stuff get to you.

Next time maybe you will think to tell your husband ahead of time that you hope he will be more present during the following week. It sounds like you are a good communicator and your husband is open to hearing you. That's really wonderful! I'd advise you to accept that role of the quiet voice......

I think men tend to be very "mission" focused - i.e., accomplishing whatever is on their list. Women are more intuitive and adaptable (generally speaking). IMHO God made us this way for a reason. Men are hunter-gatherers and women are nurturers (to bring babies to some level of independence).

All of this is very GENERAL - there are always exceptions to the rule.

I would say something to him about it. "Honey - how about you go get that part tomorrow so you can spend some time with the kids?" That would work with my husband. And if it didn't I would flat out tell him that I need him to be at home and the part needs to wait.

I don't see a problem with what your husband did. He had things to do. He will see kids tomorrow. I think you were hoping he would take the kids off your hands. Don't assume he knows what you want. If you had asked him to change plans, I bet he would have. I don't think he is a mind reader. Ne t time just ask.

Okay, i have a feeling that what I am about to say is going to come out snarky. Trust that I don't mean it to, but am afraid the written word won't represent what I am saying nearly as well as if we were having a conversation.

This just seems silly.

I could understand if he was out at bars and strip clubs, or even putting his friends above you guys all of the time. That isn't what you are saying though, he's either busy with work or taking care of himself to make sure he stays sober.

The kids taking dad not seeing them for a day or two here or there personally is just silly. My kids don't see their dad for days out of the week because of his schedule. He's here but he's sleeping. They understand that what he does, he does for the family. What he does do is make the time he spends with them quality time. We focus less on quantity.

My kids are also not always at the top of my to do list. Don't take that wrong, they are important, but they aren't the only thing that goes on in my life and some times that means they take a seat behind something/someone else. Life doesn't revolve around them, now or in the future.

I think your expectations are not realistic of him, and are basing them off of what you think he should be doing/needing/feeling/wanting.

I find myself frustrated at my husband for the same kinds of things. It comes down to communication. You have to tell him what you need from him and he needs to tell you what he needs from you.Both needs, in essence, come down to time. Time is everyone's most valuable resource.

I would prefer my husband to take a few extra hours out of the day to take care of it rather than go another day, but that's me. My husband works two hours away, so he gets home around 6. If he umpires, then he gets home around 9. Sometimes the kids are up, sometimes not. It's not a big deal because it doesn't bother me. If it bothered me, I'd make a fuss. But then he would lose his part-time summer gig of umpiring. That brings in some play money for us, so I like it.

Tell him what you need and cut him some slack. He can't read your mind. Tell him what you expect from here on out and figure out a happy medium for your family.

I totally understand what you're saying. I've always got a to-do list, but my kids' needs (and spending time with my kids) are at the top of the list, and everything else is constantly being adjusted according to their needs. My husband didn't do this by nature, but he does it now.

We've been married for almost 20 years, and our children are older (9 and 15). He WANTS to spend more time with them than he did when they were younger. Of course he loved them when they were little, but he thinks they are more fun now. That helps. Now it's more natural for him to remember when they go to bed so he makes more of an effort to be home earlier to see them, and he's more helpful with taking them places, too. He misses them when he's not with them.

Part of that is because through the years we have learned to communicate better as a couple, and through the years he has come to value family much more than friends. He still enjoys going out with friends, but he would rather come home and hang out with me and the boys most of the time than go out with his buddies. I think it's an age thing, and like I said, the boys are more fun for him now. He's not expected to play with preschool games anymore. They like things that he likes, now. :)

This really is not a big deal. Men tend to be routine and goal oriented. He needs to pick something up, so he planned on doing it that day. This shouldn't be a curve ball (especially after 8 years).

I would just accept your role. I know that I have. I'm married to an engineer... you think your husband has a "to do list"... try being married to someone who anticipates and prioritizes/ strategizes for a LIVING... yet cannot make his own doctor's appointments. It bothers me that I have to make them, but in the grand scheme of life, it's really not a huge deal!

We've gotten into the habit of (literally) sitting down with a calendar on Sunday nights and going over "who needs to do what and when" and figuring it out together. It has helped enormously b/c it gives us each a chance to hear "why" the other NEEDS to do something on a specific day. Sometimes it's valid, sometimes it's not... either way, we figure it out together... write it on the giant whiteboard calendar and go from there!

Every time you put expectations on someone else - you will be disappointed. If you expect a different behavior then you need to express them.

Try not to use your kids as pawns as to how you expect him to act & think. If you feel he should change his ways - then express that to him. If you think he should 'just know' - then you will be consistently disappointed. Men think differently.

Good luck!

I think summer time is a time to stay up late and goof off. Not have schedules and tedium. Let the kids stay up later, it's not even dark at 8:30. Twilight is often after 9:15.

I think that you need to accept that those 2 evenings of the week you're just going to have to figure he's out those nights and not going to be there at all.

He needs to be at his meetings and it's important for him to socialize with these people. He may be the one they call when they are having a moment and wanting to drink. If one of them calls him and needs him right then he has to respond. That's part of what keeps him on the straight and narrow. He needs them as much as they need him.

You know, like Gamma said, these are not just friends. They are his support system, and he is part of theirs.

Also, I am trying to figure out why the kids need to be back on a specific early-to-bed sleeping schedule. Didn't you say they are done with school? Let the kids stay up late if seeing their dad is that important. I say that because my kids are very used to having a dad that they only see in the mornings 4 days a week because of his work schedule. They don't whine and fuss about not spending time with him because this is just the way it is. He could try to take time off when the cousins come to visit but usually can't, so that is our normal. And my kids stay up late in the summer, always have. Makes for peaceful quiet mornings for me :)

So I guess what I am saying is that you need to be more flexible and understand that his socializing is important in his recovery. Yes, he could probably cut back a bit for weeks like this, but don't harp on him about it. As well, you said this to him, "I told him I should have let him know my expectations and shouldn't be mad at him but that I was disappointed," which was a very mature way to handle it. He apologized, took the next day off to make up for it, and thought it was a done deal. But now you're questioning his motives, and that's not healthy. In his brain, it's a new day and he doesn't have to "make up for it" anymore, he already did, see?

You do not have to be a quiet voice, that's ridiculous. All you have to do is give a little, and so will he. Keep talking, but don't be accusatory. Try to understand why his priorities are what they are, that will get you a lot farther that trying to "get through to him." And I say that as the wife of a man who can be as stubborn as a mule :)

Geez! Summer vacation just started. Why are you so focused on him spending so much time with the kids this week? I urge you to relax and go with the flow. You and your children have all summer to enjoy. Don't expect your husband to be as focused on getting time with the kids in in the first couple of weeks. No need to change priorities for your husband.

Also consider that he may not be as much into spending the whole summer with his kids. He has his own responsibilities too. He has to fit the kids into his life and just doesn't feel the intensity of doing so as you do.

I suggest that with this attitude you are driving him away. Relax. Try to understand this from his viewpoint. Sit down together and talk about each of your expectations for the summer. Make a plan together. Know that you have the summer off and he doesn't. Why would he be as focused as you on changing what is to happen.

Again, try to see this from his perspective. Use I statements when telling yours. Do not tell him what you expect him to do. Tell him what you'd like for him to do. Work together to find a way to know each other's wishes and make plans ahead of time.

Sounds like you're wanting to control your husband's to do list. That you know best what is best for the kids and the family. Please, please relax and work together with your husband.

I also suggest that your kids will take their cues from you about how to feel when they don't see their father for a couple of days. If you're upset, they'll be upset. I urge you to stop trying to control every thing. Your kids will not expect to see their father any more than they see him if you allow that feeling to happen.

Later: after your SWH Seems like you're a concrete thinker. Vacation mode as in you're not going to work somewhere else during the summer. It's called summer vacation. Of course you're not off somewhere having fun as in on vacation. That is not what MommaBearof 2 was saying. If you're this nit picky with your husband, it's no wonder you're having difficulty getting him to understand and follow your expectations.

I suggest that you're fortunate to have a husband who will listen to you and try to do what you want. I wouldn't be so helpful if I were him. I expect to make my own decisions about my day. I do expect my partner or whoever I'm working with (and no I don't mean working as in getting paid to do a job tho it works there too) to be open and honest with me about what they would like to have happen. I'm open to working out a plan for how to handle the day and the week. But I do not read minds and I would chafe if my husband became irritated and upset when I didn't do things the way he wanted them done. It really sounds like you're micromanaging him, wanting him to think and act like you do.

Why would you need to say in a quiet voice, "you could do it this way or you could...?" Be direct and tell him what you want. That way he can decide to either do it that way or not. And if he decides to do it a different way, recognize that he's also an adult and able to decide what is best for him.

I suggest that part of the reason you get upset is because your children are your first priority when in reality they need to be second on your list. Your first priority needs to be to take care of yourself. Once you're in a good space what your husband does or doesn't do will not be so serious for you.

Yes, you compromise. At times your kids come first but at other times you come first. What are you doing for yourself these days? I urge you to plan time to do things that you want to do just because you want to do them. That way, when your husband does something for himself, such as going to the meetings and out with his friends afterwards you won't be so jealous and sensitive, feeling that he's not giving as much as you are to the family.

I could go on and on. Guess, one of my nerves got pinched.

Your SWH says a lot. You have certain expectations, because that's how you were raised. But maybe your husband's expectations are different. This can be a problem in marriage and parenting, when one partner's expectations are not met, and rather than compromising, resentment grows (well he SHOULD be spending more time at home, well she SHOULD keep the house cleaner, etc.) No one wants a spouse dictating and micromanaging how we spend our time.
My husband worked very long hours early in our marriage and the kids didn't see him a lot, but he made the most of the time he WAS with them, and I think that matters more than anything else.

Sounds like he has a lot going on. Though you are on vacation mode the rest of the summer, he's still in normal work mode with limited time to cram everything in.

I'm glad to hear you acknowledged that you didn't communicate your expectations to him. It sounds as though the time he spends with the guys after the meeting is just as important as the meeting itself. That makes sense.

I really believe that he didn't think about not picking up the car part tomorrow. That's totally a guy thing. They don't think outside the box as a regular course of business.

I also sense a tiny bit of stress on your behalf...Between switching to vacation mode and having the extra kids to deal with all in one week, it's understandable. Sounds like you and DH have a pretty good relationship. My advise? Communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't wait for him to read your mind, think of things as logically as you do, and stumble upon making the decision you would have expected him to make. (I've done this countless times, only to make myself crazy.) Just tell him! (or ask nicely!)

I don't think it was an issue of your husband's priorities. You had clashing agendas. Why would his plans change just because the your agenda with the children had changed? His plans wouldn't wouldn't change unless you stated your expectations early on in the week so that he could fit them into his plans or you could make the weekly plans together rather than have it be "your schedule and his schedule."

It's always SO easy to see what others are doing that is causing an issue but when you see yourself you can't see those things. Luckily you did a great job of describing the issue and I saw a reason for the issue. You need to be more clear of your expectations. When he tells you that he has X to do, do not assume that he will just do it in the order you were thinking, instead tell him, "well we have p, d and Q coming up later today so do you want to do your thing after y or maybe ... " Yes you really DO need to do this especially if you are dealing with changes to the usual things.

I also do have to say that you are very lucky that your husband CAN see your kids. After hubby lost his job he had to take a second shift job and we rarely see him. So, appreciate that you even CAN have these issues.

Just from what you have written here, it sounds like you are a bit of a control freak and I can't really find any fault with your husband. Relax a bit, and if you really need or want him to do something or be somewhere, just ask. Guys aren't good at mind reading or taking hints. It's ok for YOU to disrupt the schedule, (by picking up the cousins), but not him( by coming home at 9pm)? Sorry, I just really don't see that he is the problem.

Was picking up the kids something your husband wanted to do? If not why would you assume he should switch his schedule around to hang out with kids. Sorry to me out sounds like you took on a bunch of kids without asking him if it was a good time.

Have you ever attended an Ala-non meeting? It is important for him to maintain his support group but also for you to understand the nature of the addictive personality. Sometimes, they tend to have a self centered streak, where they don't mean to, but it's kind of all about them. You may need to just communicate better w him and manage your expectations. I think attending those meetings could help. Just speaking from experience. Good luck!

Ugh.
Ok. I know that you know that the existence of your family, as you know it, hinges directly on his involvement in AA. The accountability, the support, the mentoring of younger guys, etc.
It works and I know you know that.
I DO think and HAVE noticed that with people in recovery, especially men, there still remains that quality of selfishness. That "me, me, me" thing.
And ice seen it in people with a LOT of clean time. That pervasive selfish quality lingers. I've seen marriages fail because of it. Because some men never get past it and the wives have enough of it.
Bottom line? Let it be HIS decision and choice to see his kids.
Kind of like not enabling him in that part of his life.
This "selfishness" (for lack of a better word) might just be a lifelong CDB (cost of doing business) that comes with marrying a man in recovery.
Have you tried Alanon?
Good luck!