Hi J. - I can feel your pain and frustration through your message. Dont go seeking out an attorney just yet because this is something that can be helped. It's sounds like you have a great guy but your respect and admiration is just being sucked dry by all this conflict. A counselor will help you to get to the root of the problem. In the meantime, there are a couple of things that come to mind when good husbands turn immature.
First, I'm wondering if your husband might be experiencing some depression - he sounds pretty checked-out. The promises might be a way to just get you off his back for a while but it's only making things worse. He sounds like he is feeling "entitled" to not having any responsibility at home. Kind of like saying "I work all day to feed this family and all I have to show for it is (fill in the blank ) a messy house, no time to myself, no sex and a wife on my case every time I come in the door." Feeling entitled to some compensation etc. is usually at the root of every conflict. We either ask for it directly or we go about it passively. In the end, we may get compensation but we're still left with conflict.
You might find some help in the Parenting with Love and Logic books by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. It's all about giving someone the responsibility for their own promises and actions and learning there are natural consequences to not following through. I know it's for kids and teens but that's kind of what you have on your hands isnt it? That's where the loss of respect comes from.
I've had to do that with my husband. He spends a LOT of time riding his bicycle and we fought about it every summer. The sad thing about it was that I supported him riding his bike. I just got tired of having 3 kids and no husband and he was obviously tired of having 2 mothers and no wife.
I told him that I really did appreciate the fact that he works hard all day but that I was exhausted having to take up the slack for all the things he wasnt getting done. I was getting more and more bitter every day and that's not what I signed up for. I used some dumb cycling word picture like "you need to choose, either help me drive this train or walk behind it" He understood what I meant so maybe it wasnt so dumb after all. (btw the "train" is the peloton - the people at front set the pace - those who cant keep up, get dropped off the back of the group)
We started small and truthfully he got annoyed sometimes when I followed through on natural consequences like hiring a handyman for projects he promised to do but didnt follow through on and then taking the money out of his bike budget. Ouch. Even though he was really annoyed, I just made some sensei joke like "you chose poorly, young Bhike Rhidah" Instead of giving him verbal reminders that sounded like I was nagging, I set up appointments for him in Windows Calendar that would remind him when he agreed to have things done. He gets a little popup on his computer that says "reminder: April 3. Fertilize lawn"
I also reward him for good behavior. The whole thing was reinforced because we weren't fighting all the time and in the middle of all this competition. His attitude improved just by not feeling like he was in trouble all the time. That helped my attitude as well and I didnt find myself as resentful doing some of the things I felt "entitled" to have him do for me before.
There is light at the end of the tunnel J.. Right now, my husband is upstairs giving my 2 little guys a bath while I write this. I didnt ask him to do it, it wasnt a reminder on his computer - he stepped up. I think part of the reason he's up there is that he feels good about a conversation we had yesterday. He told me a race he wanted to ride in was rescheduled for tomorrow (Easter) and he wanted to ride. Would I mind if we went to church on Sat. night? Now that I'm more freed up - I said sure but is there a race you can do in the afternoon so we can have a fun morning with the boys? done.
It will take some work but I'm sure that with a lot of love and patience your loving man-boy will come around.
Best of all things to you.