I Want to Know My Stepchildren

i feel for you. My sons bio father has 6 kids that i know of, and i use to want to know them that way my boy would know who his siblings were. But as me and my now husband are about to have a baby, i dont feel that it is that relevant anymore. my son is almost three, he knows my husband as daddy(he has never met bio father, dad has been there since i was 12wks preggo) and i would say be happy with the family you have. i know its hard not knowing when they are a part of someone you love... but, i might send a holiday card or a birthday card or something. talk to their mother first and see how she feels about it. this sounds like a very sticky situation and i hope the best for you!

If you saw these girls all the time, I'd respond differently, but it sounds like he wants his life compartmentalized. It's clear he doesn't want your involvement with these girls. I'd respect that. You knew that going in to the marriage; why should it change now? He obviously doesn't see them as part of the family he's created with you.

If you can't let it go, I'd ask if you could send holiday or birthday cards, although, from personal experience (my mom sending cards to a step-daughter who wanted nothing to do with her), I know that it's a constant irritation. I made my mom sad that her overtures were rejected and it bugged the you-know-what out of my step-sister and her mom that the cards kept coming. But, like you, my mom couldn't let it go. She had to prove that she wasn't the horrible, awful woman this girl thought she was. All she did was make the situation worse. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that...

I think you should take your cues from your husband and go from there.

Good luck.

I agree with Stephanie F. - he may see them as something separate and not be able to "blend" that family with this one. You mentioned that he is from another country and it was a marriage with a first cousin. Could be a cultural difference? As Americans, we have gotten so used to blended families, step-parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, people married or not married, etc. - he may be coming from a place and a culture where such things are not so common and may not be handled in a way that would be more typical here. I know your intentions are good but maybe his daughters really don't want anything to do with you for now. Just because 2 people get married doesn't mean all the children and other family members involved take to each other instantly or automatically want a relationship (I mention this since you said his oldest was not happy about him having a girlfriend). I would just let him handle it but keep in mind their may be other things he prefers to keep from you as well and you need to decide if you are okay with that or not.

How can you get to know the kids when he doesn't even know them? If it meant that much to you this is something that should have been figured out before you married him.

There could be some other factors like he is very hurt by his family splitting or he may still be legally married in another country. Whatever it is you should tell him you will not push him anymore but you know there is much hurt & possible secrets but you will wait for him to tell you when he is ready.

Frustrating for sure. I wouldn't get 'stuck' in thinking you should have known about this before you got married. Sometimes things just happen this way. More importantly is what to do now. There certainly can be times when we each need some privacy, but I do think there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. The latter is what I would be more concerned about. With that, I don't mean to imply that is what is happening, but be discerning between the two.

In his request for privacy in this, perhaps he's trying to figure out his role as dad/ husband/ different countries and as someone mentioned, cultural differences as well. Perhaps if you don't 'push' him on this and find a way to be supportive as in - 'hope the girls are doing well - having a good school year etc' he might not push back as much. Neutral statements might be worth a try.

You might be right about his oldest daughter not liking he had a girlfriend back then. Maybe he is afraid of upsetting her, plus the distance. Hard to know. ---Do take care of yourself. Take some time to figure out what you really want here and where your comfort zone is. Don't let it drain you. Good luck B..

You don't mention how long you have been married to him, couple of years? Does he go back home to visit his kids? Privacy is always good, but so is being honest and upfront and something doesn't feel upfront about this.

I would say these are all things you should have learned about and asked prior to your marriage with him, but you are married now, so you will just have to give it time and continue to share your feelings.

My husband had a previous marriage and he still had a framed wallet sized photo of her in the other room. I didn't mind it being there when we were in the courting stages, but once he told me he loved me, I didn't respond to it and we had a talk. He had already said he was divorced, so I asked him if he had papers. He looked at me with the biggest eyes and asked if I wanted to see them. I said yes and went in the other room and came back and threw them at me. I flipped to the back page and found the stamp and handed them back. He told me to read them, so I leafed through them to find out if there were any children and how the bills were split. It was a pretty simple divorce. Then we talked about the need for the photo in the other room and he went in and ripped it up. I didn't mean for him to rip it up, but how could I love a man who had not moved on in his life. Many people are shocked by that move (asking for the papers), but I was not about to involve myself in a tangled weave of someone else's love affairs.

All I can say, is keep your eyes open and it seems you have and continue to tell him what you want. I hope all goes well for you.

Most of those bonds are created when the children live with you/him frequently. It may just be something he wants to call his own, do you not have something that you like to call your own?

Surely you didn't meet, marry, and have a child with this man without it coming up whether or not you would meet or be involved with his older children. If you knew he had them, you married him without meeting them, and he gave you no assurance that you WOULD meet them, then just let it be. Being that the parents are that closely related, the children may even have some abnormalities that were prevalent in their gene pool that he just doesn't want you to have to deal with.

Does he financially support them? (None of my business, but he should)...

He's the husband you chose (at least I assume you weren't forced to marry him! LOL), so just keep the commitments you've made to him and enjoy the benefits and joys of having him be a father to your two children.

This should have been worked out before you said "I do". You should be able to know your stepchildren and he should want you to. Otherwise, you will be the woman kept daddy away from his girls...not cool. Something doesn't seem right with this.

Updated

This should have been worked out before you said "I do". You should be able to know your stepchildren and he should want you to. Otherwise, you will be the woman kept daddy away from his girls...not cool. Something doesn't seem right with this.