I am the second step-mom to my step-son, he is 18 now and I became a part of his life when he was 15. His is in the military at basic training and I referred to him on the army facebook page as "our son" when posting for my husband and I. I got a text from step-daughter who is half sister to my step-son saying I should not be referring to my step-son as "my son" and that her mom and her were "sick and tired" of me saying that. My step-daughter's mom is the first step-mom and I am the second, so I didn't feel like I was out of line but would like to know what others think...was I over stepping my step-mom boundries?
Well it turns out my husband did explain to his daughter that her concern was hers alone and that he nor his son shared it and that obviously titles weren't important because her mom still refers to my step-son as her son even though "legally" he isnt, which is fine by all as well. Step-daughter then told her mom about what her Dad said and we both got an e-mail from her on her view. Since there is quite a bit of underlying hurt and pain still around their divorce the communication was rather terse at first but she was open to working things out and I jumped on the chance. I conceded to calling him my step-son for now, because even though he and I have already had to conversation about calling him "our son" in public forums I know he would not want to upset his first step-mom either. And both my husband and I love our own step-moms dearly and in their own unique way which is how I feel my step-son thinks of me and that's all I really needed anyway. As for step-daughter she is a very strong-willed girl (good in many ways) and she got to voice her mind. I told her that for her sake I would add the four letters in front of son because she asked but that I didn't see any difference and cited examples to show her she did have a double standard on this topic. Maybe some will think I caved but it seemed that if I was only thinking of me I would have stood my ground and in that case that was not an appropriate "step-mom" thing to do. So I did what I thought was best for all involved. I am really lucky to have such a great husband, that makes times like this less stressful. Thank you all for your input as well, it helped confirm that there are many ways to handle a situation and I thought the advice was all helpful in various ways.
I hate labels of ALL types! I think it's sweet that you consider him "son."
Why she has her panties in a bunch is a mystery to me.
Maybe (if you want to edit the posting) You could say "John's son", or just "John", "John Jr.", etc. as in "We went to see the movie, along with John and Janet." IDK.
As a step child, I've rarely referred to myself as his 'daughter' - which actually has changed in the last few years (he is no longer married to my mother). I now refer to him as my 'dad' - and he calls me his daughter and my son his grandson.
I think it's more about the relationship between you two. What do you call each other in private? Stick with what he's comfortable with and ignore all the others!
No. If I saw anything posted by my daughter's step-mom referring to her as daughter, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think it's wonderful that my daughter and her step-mom have a bond like that!
And if she's a stepmom too... What gives her the friggen right to criticize (sp?)???
I think it is lovely and wonderful for you to consider this young man your son. It can do nothing but affirm your love for him and complete acceptance of him. Unless he asks you not to do it, then go with it. Ignore the nay-sayers. We have enough division and heartache in the world as it is. Embrace your family with full love and acceptance. Go you!!
No!!!! Keep calling him your son. Good for you. Let those petty people have their hissy fits. Doesn't "step-son" have the word "son" in it?
Late answer here - sounds like your step-son is fine with "son" and people should get to be called what they want to be called.
That said, my step-Mom, whom I love DEARLY, and who I call my "BONUS Mom" likes to call me her daughter and herself my Mom - and I don't like it. I tried to tell her this, but she was hurt and couldn't let go, I am old enough (age 45) to just let it slide, because it's a small issue in my life, but I still wish she had come up with something else *special* to call me.
I have a Mom all ready - she raised me, and no matter how much I ADORE my bonus Mom, I'm not her daughter.
Honestly, I can see both sides of the coin, sort of.
If my son one day has a step mom, which he may because his father and I are not together, I would not feel good reading another woman calling my son, "her son." But I am HIS MOTHER. Not his step mother. And I am also mature enough to realize that you were posting on both yours and your husband's behalf, speaking as a couple, so it would have been weird to refer to him as "my husband's son, my step son." That seems alienating. And I'd never want my son to feel anything but LOVED, even if it strikes a chord with me, a little.
I especially don't get why another step mom would be so irritated by it, unless she raised him from birth or something, but she would have no more right to him than you do, so to speak, so I don't get that part.
In any case, I don't think you overstepped any huge boundaries. Just my humble opinion.
I would ask your son how he feels. I know several people who are in the situation that it doesn't bother them, but I also know several that it would since they still feel very loyal to their bio moms.
If you love him like your own, and want him to feel included and accepted and loved - than I can understand your reasoning. I commend you for showing him that you love him like your own. And if his mother had passed away, I would say that was a loving choice. But if she's living, it puts him in an akward situation with his mom. Like a loyalty pull or something? And it really is a slap in the face to a mom. You put yourself on the same level in his life as his one and only, God granted mother. If you have natural children, What if the new wife, 1st, 2nd, or 22nd called your child thiers? You have a relationship that is close to parent and child, but 1 "step" removed. I take my cue from my 17 yr old step son. He introduces me as his step mom, proudly and I do the same. I might say my "favorite" stepson - even though he's my only step son. You can be inclusive and show your pride without stepping on toes.
both of my grandparents re-married. On my dad's side there is no such thing as "Step" I don't have Step Aunts and Uncles, they are just my Aunts and Uncles. There are 16 kids in the combined family. I have to really stop and think about it to figure out which ones were Grandma's and which ones were Grandpas. it was a family decision when they blended. Everyone loves and respects each other. My mom's dad re-married when I was 16. His wife has never referred to us as her grand kids. Her children do not refer to us at all that I am aware of. it was shocking to me and my siblings because we had my dad's family as an example.
I have had children live with me from So. Korea. Now technically we are the Host family. I have always called them my kids. Their parents love that someone loves their children as their own. The kids love it. and even though they no longer live here we are still in contact and I am still "Mom" and they are still my kids.
I think that there is room in the heart--I know that when some of my dads siblings were struggling that they were told its ok if you have a problem with this but you are still my son/daughter. I love you like my own children and I am not going to stop calling you son/daughter. and that makes a kid feel good even if they balk.
a parent who has the best interest of the child in mind is not going to be mad about that. You love them and you won't be replaced. You love them and don't try to replace anyone else in their lives.
I don't know if you ever lived with the step daughter. If you did I hope you refer to her as your daughter as well. If you never lived together I can see how it complicates it a bit...but should NOT in any way shape or form change the relationship you have with your son. I think the most appropriate response is for your husband to sit down with his daughter and tell her that he's sorry she is not happy with the way you refer to his son, but that he will not sit by and allow her to be disrespectful of his wife. In the future she can find a polite way to word her concerns, or she should keep them to herself. He loves her and wouldn't let anyone speak that way to her and he won't allow anyone, not even his own child to speak that way to his wife.
and let it go. Don't take offense. Let her issues be her issues. Keep your heart open and keep loving your son.
I think you were just fine...you are after all his Step-mom and he is "your" son now! Seeing how step-daughter's mom was only the 1st step mom that means basically, that she is now absolutely nothing! Not the real mom and no longer the step...now she is just his step-sister's mom!
Sorry that they feel that way, but they are wrong.
Sounds like there is some unnecessary possessiveness going on in the first stepmother's family... I think it is sweet and natural to think of your step-kids as your own, too. It makes me sad when people divide their children, and say things like a guy I met this summer: he told me "Those are my wife's daughters, and this is our son, my first child." That kind of division is unnecessary, I think.
A good friend of mine has always referred to his step-dad as his dad, and I never knew the difference. Don't let tension in the other step-family get to you. Just block them from your facebook photos. :)
no I don't think you over stepped. It actually drives me bananas when people introduce kids as their step kids or sometimes I have even heard people introduce kids as their foster child or adopted child it drives me nuts!
Well, according to one of the people who should care, you did overstep your boundaries. Why not respect their suggestion and open a discussion with them? Getting all of our opinions won't help if the thing you're doing if offending someone greatly, you need to talk to them and get a reasonable solution. And if you want to maintain a good relationship with them it matters A LOT what they want to be called/referred to.
I'm coming from a two step parent family when I say all this; both parents remarried when I was in my later teens. I was NOT my step dads daughter and certainly NOT my step moms daughter. I would have have bristled at either one of them referring to me as their kid. I'm NOT their kid, I already have parents and they were not it.
Why not just refer to him by name? "We're so proud of Johnny, can't wait to visit him at his first duty station." That would be my suggestion. GL.
from a "step child" position: ask the son. If it's ok with him, then who cares what the others feel, if it's not, then stop :) my step mom is constantly calling me and my siblings "her children" and it bothers the bejeevers out of us (a different situation, since she came into our lives after we were grown already and our bio mom died) but the point is the same, some kids are ok with it, some aren't, and the only ones who matter whether its ok or not are the two involved. fyi: we talked to our step mom about not calling us that, and she won't stop and it has made the relationship very strained (perhaps the first step mom and her daughter are concerned that you are also calling HER daughter, your daughter and they aren't comfortable with that even if the son is....)
A.,
I think if your son (in basic training) is comfortable with your reference, then the others can respect HIS feelings. By the way, please tell him thanks for serving our country.
Blessings......
Everyone's situation is so different and the background leading up to divorce can certainly have an effect on how the different personalties deal with co-parenting the children involved. What is hard to understand is why both sides cannot both appreciate and respect what is important to the others involved.
I think you are one of a kind because that is just what you did!! You stepped outside of yourself and made a decision that diffused the situation. Good for you!! Just because one side or the other believes they are right, do they just go ahead and do something they know hurts, bothers, or angers the other side when it would be so simple to respect their feelings? Some here say it should only be up to those involved, as though even a biological Mom would not be involved. She would. This is not a biological Mom, but for some reason she still seems to have some significant place in her Step-Son's life. Some here say that Moms should be happy when a Step-Mom cares about her Step-Children because there are so many who don't. That is true, but that does not necessarily mean that the Mom's feelings should be ignored. Every situation is different and so the boundaries are going to be different. What happened in the breakup of the first marriage? Is there history in that breakup that includes the new Step-Mom? If you go into a marriage where your spouse and his ex still have tremendous obstacles to overcome, especially if they include you, should his ex be given some extra consideration of her feelings and where they might come from? The bottomline should always be the children and providing them with as much stability possible, which also means the least amount of ill will between the parents.
In this instance, of course, the fact that both are Step-Moms puts an entirely new twist on the situation, but little is explained about that situation... where is the biological Mom?
Life is short.... the sooner ex's can get over the hurt left over from their breakup, and both new and old wives can get over any jealousy between them, the better it will be for the children involved. The best way to do that is to stop worrying about who is right, who has what rights.... and focus on doing what is best for the children. Often times that means simply respecting the feelings of others whether or not we agree with them. It is called empathy!! Random acts of kindness!! It may not always be easy, but the results can be amazing.....
you were not overstepping the boundaries. i would ask your step son what he is comfortable being called and stick with that. i think every step family should have a conversation about names and titles to show respect and understanding for one another. i'm the only kid in my family who doesn't call my step dad "Dad". my mom did not like it when i asked her not to refer to him as "Dad" around me. but i confirmed with him that calling him by his first name was ok and i'm grateful that my mom agreed to take the time to change her habit in consideration of me. but i like it when my step dad refers to me as his daughter.
I am a custodial stepmom, and have been for 8 years. Based on what you said, you probably overstepped a little bit. I don't believe a step-mom should never refer to themselves as the mom. It's one thing if somone calls you 'mom' and you don't correct them, but to refer to your step kids (especially when you came into their life rather late) as your son or daughter is probably overstepping.
The kids have lived with us 100% of the time for 8 years- they have rarely seen their mother during this time (her choice). I met them when they were 10 and 12, they have spent all but maybe 3 weeks with us duing the last 8 years. I don't refer to them as my son and daughter. Even though I am the only one who has filled that role for them in the last 8 years, they have a mom already, and I am fine being the stepmom.
I tried the same thing with that on my step daughter's one got very rude and cocky with me, the other just ignored me. You're intentions are great, but I would strongly suggest to let them make that approach. I have a step mom who NEVER has referred to me as her daughter, even when i told her it was ok (just months ago-i'm 27 and she's been my step mom for almost 15 years, takes time)). My mom pushed and pushed and pushed for me to call my step dad dad, and because of that i have little to nothing to do with either of them.
If the step kids feel like it's out of line then it is even though you may have the best intentions because facebook does not have "step" as an option. but at the same time, your step son needs to be able to speak for himself. But that's a convo your husband needs to have with the daughter, you do not want to approach her with that subject. She may not like it but he may not have a problem with it.
good example is my brother and i, he doesn't call our dad dad (long story) but by his first name only, and i call him dad and gets irritated at me for not following that example. He throws a fit to my step mom about her calling me her daughter publically (because i'm ok with it) my dad takes the heat for her and confronts him, or i do not my step mom.
btw because of this whole "your not my mom issue" i ALWAYS refer to my step daughter's by their names, and my daughter as my daughter....my husband refer's to all 3 as his daughter's because my daughter is ok with it.
i agree with heather, it all depends on the individual however, if the other who is not ok with it keeps throwing a fit constantly then i would just stop for a while even to the other who is ok with it...like a few years or until they are both grown to keep from straining your relationship. they come visit to see their dad not you; hurts like hell but keep that in mind.....be their friend first they already have 2 parents don't want 3 ..........it would be best to let them make that "parental approach" to you.
ask your step son what he would like.....did he ask the 1/2 sister to do this for him because he is non-confrontational? Maybe he is emabarrassed with 2 step moms & a bio mom & it's to much for him to explain to his peers. Ask him what he feels comfortable with & tell him you are fine with whatever he wants.
I would say the answer depends on what you, your husband, and your son/stepson decide to call each other!
My ex has remarried and his wife is nice, but doesn't have a whole lot to do with my son. I have to admit, it would get on my nerves if she called herself his mom- but my son is young and lives full time with my husband and I, so the situation is totally different! I am not saying that is RIGHT- or that I ought to feel that way, but deep down, I know it would bother me. So I can see where the mom/sister are coming from in a way.
Your son/stepson is an adult and can decide for himself how he wants to be referred to. If you have a close and loving relationship and he feels comfortable calling you mom, then you should call him son too!
If your step-son does not have a problem with it then I would ignore step-mom #1. Where you are posting for both you and your Husband I say you are in the right.
Sounds like step-mom #1 and step-sister needs to take a few chill pills and relax.
Late answer here, but why couldn't you just refer to him by name? My son's step-mother is constantly stepping on my toes and implying extra rights for herself that she DOES NOT have. There are other issues (i.e. she use to be married to my ex-husband's best friend and divorced him to marry my ex after we got divorced etc...) so she's a real piece of work and has some mental issues. She tells people that she named my son, she tells them that she is his mother, she calls him her son and threatens to call the police if I don't hand him over to her etc... so different situation, but same basic problem.
I do think that claiming a child as your own that is NOT your own is wrong. It's dishonest. He's not YOUR son. You did not give birth to or legally adopt him. Those are just the facts.
I also have a step-son and to me, step-son and son mean basically the same thing, the words are unimportant except that they can wound others if used improperly. I am on friendly enough terms with his mother and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that or to put my husband in the middle of conflict. She is my step-son's mom and I have no right to try to take that title from her. We earn that title through the blood, sweat and tears of pregnancy and child-birth and it is beyond offensive for a woman to claim the title that did not earn it. Just my opinion. I think it's also not fair to the child as they should be allowed to have that most wondrous and special person in their life....their MOTHER....without any pretending by anyone else interfering in that.
That being said, I truly don't think you meant anything by it. When people ask my husband and I how many kids we have we say three because between the two of us "we" collectively have three. My son, his son and our son. Sometimes, especially in situations that don't matter and with people you will likely never see again, it can be more expedient to just use the simpler terms. Strangers don't need to know the genealogical details of our family. It's none of their business. However, putting it on Facebook might be crossing the line because that is not strangers, it's pretty much everyone you know and it can give the wrong impression.
Could you have said something less incendiary, like "our Ryan" or whatever..?
Who really cares what they think?
What are you supposed to do...get into all the intricacies of how many step moms or half siblings he has on a facebook profile?
I think "our son" was appropriate in this case.
If your step son doesn't like it, it's a different story, but I wouldn't worry about the rest of it.
I say if your SS doesn't mind then what's the biggy? How wonderful to consider your step-son as your son? And the ex-step mom??? Please she has ZERO input here and he's not even her bio-kid!!! Maybe your SD is jealous as you haven't called her your daughter. You do what works for you, hubs and SS.
Personally I don't like to say "step" or "half" - but I would ask your son how he feels. Get his permission, that is all you need. My husband has a son from a previous relationship. I get along with his mother, and on my fb page I have listed as one of my children, and he confirmed it. I don't want to take the place of his mother and he knows that, but I don't ever want him to think he's not part of the family. His dad and I have 3 kids together, so I always say I have 4 kids, the oldest lives with his mother in Illinois.
I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did on facebook. Just a little curious, does the first step-mom think she's no longer needs to be called his "step-mom" or "mom", since his father and her have ended their relationship, did her relationship with him end? If your relationship with your husband ended would your relationship end with him? That's how I think you should look at it and be accepted. Moms are always moms. I personally think you are doing right by him, unless he ask you to refer as "step" mom.
I believe that children are also children of their step-parents. Since you did become his step-mom a bit late in his childhood (regardless of if you were the 1st or 10th one) does tend to make it harder to have that sort of relationship but it is great if you do. I would not respond to your SD but leave the post as is. If she pushes, explain that you do consider then your children as well and you are sorry if she doesn't feel the same.
Wow a bunch of replies so sorry if this repeats too much. Ask your son if its ok, and if he doesn't care then who cares what the other two think. Some people just don't get that family is family and titles shouldn't matter. I have a brother that is my husband's half brother. I have a sister that is ( follow along) my husbands stepdad's new wife's daughter. ( the way we act you think she and I were blood) The point is we are all family no matter what and if others dont like it, too bad. My mom hates when I refer to my nonblood members as siblings, I think its a jealousy thing. She would flip if she heard my step-mom in law calling me her daughter. I love that she treats me like a daughter. So I don't think you are out of line, just see what your son thinks. Best of wishes.
I don't think you have stepped out of bounds you were just including him as an important part of your life which I think a lot of step kids would appreciate yet do not get. Do you call your step daughter your "daughter"?
Speak to your step son as soon as you are able and ask him if it bothers him. Be sure not to be accusing or finger pointing, your goal is to get him to tell you how he really feels. I would trust that his wishes are what you should stick with.
I wouldn't make it a grand federal case, just make sure you communicate that your intentions were honest and sincere and you did not mean to disrespect anyone. Let everyone know that you love your step son and truly felt close enough to call him your son.
Good luck to you.
I think your step-daughter is jealous. Frankly I think it's wonderful that you don't make that distinction. Family is family whether it be biological or voluntary =)
I remember my (paternal) grandmother referring to my step-mother as my mother when I was about 8 or 9 and not liking that AT ALL. My step-mother is great but she is NOT my mother, I HAVE a mother.
But, having said that I would ask him what he's comfortable with because that's what matters.
Well, ex-SM's opinion is irrelevant. She is the ex for a reason.
I would not refer to my step-daughter as my daughter. I have no problem saying, "Husband's daughter". On the occasions when a random stranger has referred to me as "mom" in front of her, it makes her very uncomfortable, so I follow that cue. I don't correct perfect strangers, but I don't ever claim her as my own.
I call my step children son and daughter, but I have been in their life for several years now and they were all under the age of 5 when their father and I got together. They still see their mother and call her mom, but I am more of a mother to them than she ever will be. I agree with him being 18 I would ask him and see what he says.
Yes, that was over-stepping.
It is no disrespect to refer to him as your stepson, that is reality after all.
What does your step-son think? I'm not close to my step mom like that - they married when I was 22, but I understand that if she is speaking on behalf of her and my father, or even just to strangers, it is just easier. His first step mom has no more right to mom than you do, so I say it is up to the son.
As long as that is what your Step-Son wants then she has no business telling you anything. Especially since she is step-mom number 1 instead of real mom.
Seems like you should ask your son what he would prefer you to call him. He's old enough to make this decision. I think it would be a sweet conversation with him, letting him know how you feel about him.
So how were you supposed to post the photo?? My husbands son and second step mother?? I will be first to say that a step parent should not refer to step children as theirs. But in this case I think its just fine. I wouldn't even bother replying to them.
If your step son doesn't mind then it really shouldn't matter to anyone else!
I would ask him what he prefers. I know that my parents are divorced and I wouldn't call either of their spouses mom or dad. I actually have an issue with my mom calling her man grandpa to my child! He isn't my kids grandpa! We also don't like DH's Stepmom being called grandma...that could be because she only calls herself that when it " makes her look good". She openly said that if she should pass that my kids shouldn't be upset because they aren't really related so that settled that for me lol!
Ask your son what he is comfortable with. Or have your husband ask him. If he is fine having you call him son, so be it.
