My Boyfriends "Title" to My Children

If marriage is off the table, why are you living together? This issue is way more complicated than what they call your boyfriend, and your kids need more stability than this.

WOW, my heart is breaking for all of the children involved.

The children did not ask to be brought into this world. It is your job as a parent to give those children some stability. Look at how you are modeling relationships for them....You are setting them up for failed relationships in the future because they cannot witness any normalcy and stability with you. Your children should be your priority over any bf you decide to shack up with at the moment.

I know it has to be hard to think about living on your own and supporting 5 children. That is a lot of weddings and college educations to prepare for but for goodness sakes... let your children witness YOU as a strong Mother who will go above and beyond to make things right for them.

It is not ok for your children to call this man daddy. If he want's the "role" he should man up, marry you and adopt your children and show them how a real man treats his wife.

I think you already realize that he is scamming you and he had no intention of marrying you in the first place. He just told you he would to get you to shack up with him in hopes that he would marry you someday. Then, you'll get so deep into everything, you can't get out.

Get out now and show your children that you are putting them first.

Is the sex really worth all this heartache you are having, confusion you are putting your children through and being trapped like you are now?

There is nothing wrong with a divorced parent remarrying. Some blended families work beautifully. The wrong is when parents put themselves (selfish) and their feelings before the children.

Best wishes.

Honest answer coming up.
Why in the world are your living with a man who doesn't want to get married? Doesn't want to commit to you and your children?
Listen, I understand. It's scary thinking of yourself on your own with 5 kids. How is someone going to love you AND all those kids?! I get it. But just because this guy is showing interest in you and wants to live with you does NOT mean that he loves you and wants to commit to you and your kids.
If he wants the title of "dad" then he needs to prove it. Marry you, commit to the kids, and then the kids can call him dad.
Until then....move out on your own. Value yourself enough to be single and let him show you how much he wants to be with you and your kids.
Your kids should call your BF his name. Explain to your children (who are plenty old enough to get it) that you know they love him, but his name is "Jim" and they need to call him that.
L.

Honestly, I am not sure why you are living with him if he has no intention of marrying you. Have you thought about the example that you are setting for your children? I would not have your children call him Daddy if you are not married to him. Use his first name. I do think you are setting your children up for a lot of hurt someday when he leaves and they lose the relationship. I also think you should get some counseling - if you want a relationship that is committed and includes a father figure than you should go out there and look for it. This guy is not it.

I hope that you gather the strength that you need to tell the boyfriend that it is marriage or he is out. I have to wonder if your boyfriend's custody situation wouldn't be stronger if he was married to you as well.

EDIT: He told you 3 weeks ago that he doesn't want to marry again. You need to tell him to move out and then you need to move on. Regardless, you owe it to yourself and your children to put them first while they are living with you.

Call him gone.
Sorry if it's been 4 years with just you and the kids but you've got FIVE kids to raise and they should come first with you before any boyfriend.
Finish raising your kids then shack up with anyone you want.

If he's not open to the role of being your husband, he's sure as heck not open to the role of being "daddy."

I mean, really, why buy the cow when you're getting the milk (or milf) for free?

If he's not going to commit, you need to break it off and move on.

If he is not going to marry you, you need to find out if he is fully committed even without marriage. Some couples can live together for decades without marriage and are as committed as a married couple. But I get the impression from the post that you are not exactly confident that he is THAT level of committed -- the kind of committed that means "I am not ever going anywhere, and I will be here even if things get tough, and I will be here when the romantic early years are over and we're getting older together."

You and he need to talk, deeply and very seriously, so you finally know if he --and you -- have that level of commitment now or not.

Why? Because there are eight children in this relationship and to be frank, you and he are jerking all eight kids around if you are not positive that he and you will stay together, permanently. You are putting your kids in the position of getting deeply attached to someone who might or might not stay. "Iffy" relationships will only make their loss of a dad much worse; they will feel they can't trust that any father figure is going to stick with them -- unequivocally, unconditionally, permanently.

Talk to him NOT when any kids are around; not when there's a game on he wants to watch in a few minutes, or when he's about to go out the door in half an hour to hang with his friends. This is a serious discussion about the future not just of your relationship but of your own children. Better to find out now that he is wavering or just not as committed as you and your kids need, and to leave him, than to let this drag on and your kids get more attached to someone who is not committed to them and to being there for them right into their adulthoods.

I'm not saying you don't love him. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I am saying that this is about much more than love and romance between the adults. This is about commitment that goes beyond love and sticks around when love is bruised and not as fun any more. If he's not on board permanently, you need to put the kids ahead of your love for him and make some tough choices before your kids end up hurt and carrying that hurt into their own adult relationships and choices.

Ok. If marriage is something that YOU want on the table because you plan to remarry (anyone/someone) in the future and he's 100% certain that he will never remarry: listen to him. If you want marriage and he doesn't, you don't have to settle.

Personally I'm betting he knew before moving in that he'd never marry again, but he likely told you there was a "chance" because he knew that otherwise you wouldn't let him move in. He probably thought that once he was moved in you would be easy enough to convince that it didn't matter if you were married or not.

And for me, if there's no real future with a man that I'm dating pre-kids, post divorce, post widowhood, well... a real future to me means pursuing the possibility of marriage. If the guy I'm seeing takes it off the table then so is the relationship. Deal breaker.

EDIT: Right, like Christy Lee said. If a man won't commit to being a husband to you, he sure as hell isn't going to commit to being a daddy to your children and he doesn't deserve to be called daddy. The fact that he's having some "custody issues" muddies the waters quite a bit too. I just would not want to go there regarding the whole, "should you let the kids call him daddy or some version of it." I think what they should say is, "Good-bye, dude."

My mom and grandmother raised me and 2 (eventually 3) sisters after she divorced my unstable father. When I was 8, she fell in love with a dashing man and began bringing him home to her daughters, who were probably all daddy-starved to varying degrees. So we all fell in love with Wally, our knight in shining armor. Several months later, my mom moved us abruptly to another state, where it turned out she had become pregnant, and that Wally was married and already a father of another family.

I was heartbroken, even though no talk of his moving in or of marriage had taken place. It was many months before I was able to start moving forward again in my life, partly because my mom would lie: Wally had a bad accident and would be in the hospital for a while. But it was unfair to bring a loving, charming man into the family before there was a clear commitment. And 54 years later, after other significant losses, this remains the greatest heartache I've ever experienced. I was so open and tender then. It changed something in me, not for the better. It still hurts. My sisters were deeply hurt, too.

Please have some deep and productive talks about long-term commitment before your children become even more deeply invested in this man's place in their lives.

If he wants the role, then he should also be willing to marry you and become an "official" family unit.
I personally feel you should not have moved in with this man until there was a clear direction for your future. How confusing for the kids! Especially after being abandoned by their father.
I'm not trying to be judgemental here. But I am sure your kids are looking for a father. And if he's saying he'll never marry you, how secure is a future with him?

IMHO, if marriage is solidly off the table, then you need to rethink the living situation. It doesn't matter if the kids call him daddy or the Jolly Green Giant. They FEEL like he is their daddy and they look to him as such. They are going to be absolutely devastated to lose yet another daddy. IMHO, the best thing you can do for your children is move out now. No sense letting this situation that does have an expiration date continue to the detriment of your childrens' feelings.

No marriage? no "daddy"!
Marriage is off the table? You two need to live apart.
What you're seeing is the result of your kids being confused.
You have five kids. You need to be very clear about your relationship.
My .02
Good luck!

I am very concerned what the answers you have received to this post are doing to your state of mind. Not that anyone was particularly rude, or said anything that wasn't (to them) justified. But, it is your life, your family, your decision, to stay with this man or not.

He has 3 children, and you have 5 of your own. Marriage and committment are NOT the same thing. If they were, then there would be no divorces once marriage took place (with very few exceptions).

It could be that because of the legal difficulties he is facing in his custody battle, he realizes that the act of marriage legally changes things for his children, & for yours, and does not want to enter into such an arragement again, or at least not quickly & without a lot of consideration.

If you & your boyfriend were committed before this, and you both want to stay committed to each other, and he doesn't have any plans to call it quits - then if it is right for you, stay with him.

But, the only way you will know this is by talking to him. Don't corner him, don't throw out ultimatums. And most importantly, don't throw away a good relationship & long-term committed future with him over a word & legality.

As to your children calling him "daddy", since they do not have a "daddy" in their lives, it makes sense that they would want the same presence in their life as their friends have. Let them call him what they want, as long as they & he are comfortable with it. So many people "adopt" an aunt or grandparent, it is similar. After 4 years, he has become a father-figure in their lives. T.

If he's refusing to marry you, then you should probably move out. Your kids don't need to be hurt any more. They want to bond with this man, and he's essentially saying that he won't be around for the long haul.

Yes, you need to rethink this relationship. It's weighing heavily on your mind, as it should.

Oh dear. You're going to get raked over the coals here today.

I'm guessing from your SWH that you already realize that moving in with a guy who you aren't married to - when you have kids - was not the best move to make.

Your sense that you don't want your kids to call him "daddy" if he hasn't committed to marrying you is a good one. The issue is that to your kids, it doesn't matter whether or not you're married in the sense that they're already attached and consider him their "dad," and who can blame them? If you treat him like a husband, he treats you like a wife, and lives in their house, then the lack of commitment that's known between the two of you doesn't matter to your kids - they're already attached, and allowing that to happen is on you.

If I were you, I would go ahead and have that tough conversation with him that needs to happen. If you value marriage and he isn't going to marry you, then you're just wasting your time. I think you need to know for real if he's in or out for the long haul. If he's really in, then make your relationship formal on paper and move on. If he's not, then it's time to go through the pain of saying good-bye and move on.

In the meantime, tell the kids to call him by his first name. They need to very clearly see the boundaries here. And you tell him that it's not fair or right for kids to call him "daddy" if he's not going to commit to being in their lives forever, and that means marriage. Perhaps some couples counseling will help you to both get the issues on the table and see if this is an impasse that you can work through together.

I think you both need to figure out how you failed at marriage. See a counselor and figure this out for yourselves individually so that when the time comes you know you are both ready to committ. Call your township and ask for a referral if you need a sliding scale fee or use your insurance.

Your children are getting attached to him, but he needs to committ to you before any commitment to them. Don't break their hearts.

His plate may be too full right now, and you Need to respect that and not lead the kids on. He will not be their dad right now. They can call him by first name or a nic name. But don't let them fall in love with him until he is in love and committed to you.

Please put YOUR Children's needs of stability first, then YOUR needs for a healthy relationship, and so on.

Good luck. Tough situation :-(

Please go to couples counseling with your boyfriend to address the issues that he has and you have had about getting married. If these issues can not be resolved than you should not be living with him and putting your children in such a difficult situation. You have 5 children who are dealing with the loss of their father from their lives and now you put them in a position of getting close to this man and losing him too. I bet some of his ideas on marriage have soured because of his ongoing custody battle with his ex. Good luck. There are 8 children here that are being impacted by some adults who can't make a commitment. Another question for you ??? If you get hit by a car tomorrow and die, who will take responsibility for your kids? Sorry to hit you with that thought, but you need to think about their future.

They can call him 'daddy' when he's ready to get married and adopt them legally.

If you were trying to be sensitive to everyone's feelings, I'd take a few steps back from the 'name' part of things and find separate places to live.

Your kids are reeling from having a father who isn't invested and you have chosen yet another man who is saying "I can't invest fully because I've got baggage".

Not that it doesn't happen-- my current husband and I chafed against getting married, but we still did the 'healthy' things couples do, which was to go talk to a counselor about our baggage so that we *COULD* eventually get married and not repeat the same bad aspects of our last relationships. Being previously divorced doesn't mean that you *get* to be permanently gun-shy when it comes to getting married, esp when there are kids involved.

So that would be my answer to you~ go with your guy and talk to someone about how to go forward with blending a family and being a 'healthy' couple. And if you both are unable to do that, maybe it's time to take a break and live separately for a while. Do you understand the level of confusion the kids are experiencing because the adults are doing what they want to do-- playing house-- and the kids seem to be considered after the fact?

The short of it is simply this: in a situation like this, it's highly advisable for families to move in together AFTER the fact of marriage. Considering the turmoil ALL of the kids in this situation are experiencing, the idea of marriage is to offer STABILITY to kids who currently have nothing 'permanent' other than the fact that they exist and their parents exist. All of the kids in this situation deserve more, they deserve to have a family which is 100% committed to each other for the long haul. Otherwise, without marriage, the message is that "we'll do this until we change our minds or it gets hard, we need an escape plan, so we need to keep this 'out'..."

I'm also going to be very honest and say this: my husband and I waited until our son was 1.5 or so before we did get married. We'd been together for nine years when we did. At that point, it was a "d'oh! we should have done this sooner" decision. It costs families a LOT more, financially, if you stay 'not married'-- and responsible couples can see that their long-haul decisions to marry or not do have long-term implications.

I think you need to look at the long-term impact of this relationship on your kids. They understandably want a father figure. Can he be one? Are you happy with the relationship as-is and as a role model for your children? Would you encourage your daughters to be in a relationship where they did not get the commitment they wanted?

If it were my DD, I would take the comment as a big reminder that she is an impressionable little girl and what do I want for her and for us?

If this man is it, then you need to discuss with them why you are not getting married and how you feel about marriage if his views are horrible (and will spill over to their POV). And why you do/don't want her calling him Daddy.

If he is not, then you have some tough choices to make. If you are not OK with it, don't force yourself to be. Sometimes discomfort is our head telling our heart what it needs to hear.

My mother married someone she should not have to give me a father...what she gave both of us was a heartache. Please be honest with yourself here.

i agree with you. 'daddy' would be appropriate and sweet if you were married, but under the circumstances it's simply not right.
i would be simple, kind and firm with all the concerned parties. 'honey, jimmy isn't your daddy. just call him jimmy.'
'jim, i love that you feel paternal toward my kids. i love yours too. but we're not married and not planning to do so. let's keep it simple, and have our kids only refer to their actual parents as 'mom' and 'dad.''
khairete
S.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but playing house with someone who is acting as a father figure and - only temporarily? - filling that role in your children's lives is cruel and selfish. This is a significant need for them, not something to be taken lightly at all. Why on earth would you even move in with someone under those circumstances and revolve your entire family's life around something that is so unstable?

Everything you're doing, every choice you're making in this regard, is shaping how they will view their own future relationships.

I know how judgmental I sound, but my heart really hurts for your kids - on both sides of this.

Marriage or no, is this a PERMANENT relationship?

If not, I would not allow your children to call him anything other than his name (no cute plays on daddy, nothing), and I would make the lines of parenting boundaries VERY clear. He parents his kids, you parent yours. No overlap... at all... ever. If you anticipate that this relationship is likely to end, it isn't fair to your children to make them lose someone who is playing a parental role if you can help it.

That being said, if you believe that this is a permanent relationship, let them call him whatever they want! The "Daddy" thing is probably less about thinking they want A dad and more about letting him be their "Daddy" TOO.

As a point of reference, I live with my "boyfriend" (I don't actually use that term but fine). We are not married, but we are exactly as married as we plan to be. We own our home together and raise my son from a previous marriage. DS calls my partner by his first name in our home, but he refers to him as "my stepdad" or "my dad" or to us as "my parents" when he introduces him or talks about him to others.

All that to say, you guys should really talk this through (you and your boyfriend). If you aren't comfortable with it, you aren't comfortable with it. Also talk about your thoughts on marriage. Why DO you want to be married? Why DOESN'T he? Get on the same page before you bring your children in any further.

HTH
T.

This all sounds like a good relationship, but be very careful.

Children need to know the names for relationships and a real expectation of who the people in their lives are. Especially people that live in their homes. Vague does not work for kids.

This gentleman lives with all of you. He is your boyfriend.

To your children he is "moms boyfriend" and "our very good friend". He is not Daddy to them. He has his own children.

If others ask who he is, she can say "he is my moms boyfriend, we love him very much, he is our very good friend."

When they ask about her bio father, she can say, yes I have one, but he is not in our lives. If people push for where does he live, they can answer if they want or say, He lives in his own home.

I send you this advice because my mom had a boyfriend that at one point moved in with her and my sister. They were all very close , but after many, many years, they broke up.

Your boyfriend has now told you with his own words he will never remarry. You need to listen to this and believe it.

As women we think these words are a challenge and to men, it is what it is.

If your relationship is great and you are all able to have a home together, I think it is wonderful. I know families where the parents are married but miserable. I would prefer 2 loving people raising children married or not.

What you need to know is, if he is committed to this relationship, and for how long. This way you all will know where you stand.

Communication is a wonderful thing. If you all can be as honest as possible with each other and honor each others feelings, you all will be just fine.

I recall doing a wedding I did for a couple that had been together over 12 years, when they realized, they wanted to get married. They did not have to, it was not something that was always on their minds, but they both realized they wanted to celebrate and announce officially, they loved each other and did not plan on ever leaving each other. They said it just felt right and all of a sudden marriage sounded like a perfect idea.

The big step was moving in together. I pray that your relationship lasts a very long time becuase the coming and going of "substitute parents" in a kid's like is highly detrimental. Kids need permanence. for a child divorce is worse than death. There's no funeral, no mourning, no life insurance, no special treatment from family & friends - just this absence. Some have said it's like a continual death in the family - that never get closure.
So when a good replacement parent comes along the kids are content and feel a little more secure. As time goes by they get even more secure. But if this relationsip then splinters in the future your kids will be devastated.

So at this point the title of your boyfirend is less important that his permanence - if he's a good guy. But as to what your kids should call him? I think he should let them call them whatever they want.

What Leigh R says.

You need to decide whether (for whatever reason) you need to be married. And you need to know whether bf doesn't want to marry YOU or simply doesn't want to marry again. Not being married would not be a deal breaker for me. But it would be for many people. You need to know if it is for you.

If the two of you truly plan to grow old together, I don't see how marriage would be necessary. Both of you already know that marriage is often not a lifetime commitment. If you don't see that this relationship has a future (and I don't mean a ring, I mean a long term relationship), then you and he need to discuss what this means to the 8 children involved.

Dear C.,

You have the facts. You are very articulate and have answered your own question nearly. You let this man "live" with you knowing that it will not work out. Don't compromise any longer. Just explain to your children that you are helping out your friend and that he is not their Dad, that he is only staying temporarily until they can find another place to stay and then kick the dude out! When you let them in without commitment, there is no incentive for anything to be any different. Don't let this guy rip you and your kids off. Find someone that wants kids and is willing to pay the price of "commitment" to have them. Sorry so bold, but I have watched this over and over again.

Not good idea. If he says he does not want to remarry ever then it is time to move on. You may not or never find another person as a companion until all your children are grown and out the door.

So find a place for you and the kids and move on. Hold your head up high and respect yourself and not be "used" as that is all he is doing. As the expression goes, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free?"

Sorry to be so blunt but you are better than this. Get yourself an education or whatever to better yourself if necessary to do the job and stand on your own.

the other S.

Although I, too, question why you would being sharing a home with a man who has said he will not marry, and that you readily admit that marriage is not likely for the two of you... I am actually more interested in your acknowledgement that there may not be the necessary commitment for your kids to call him "Daddy". If there isn't that commitment, they why are they sharing a home with this man? Children and boyfriends are not things that operate in separate realms once you have taken the step to live in the same space.

Many many people advocate to not even have your children meet a "boyfriend" for an extended period of time once you have begun dating. There are reasons behind that, it isn't just arbitrary that you should wait "x" amount of time before introducing them. Yet, even though you question "why let the children believe?" you have perpetuated this situation.

You need to make up your mind. Either you are concerned first and foremost with what you are teaching your children and in their mental and emotional well-being, or you are interested first and foremost in your own.

By all appearances you are living as a "married" couple. So why are you surprised your kids are calling him dad? You have already put them in that position by moving in together and acting as a "family". If you have no intentions on getting married, then correct them right now to call him by his first name. All of this should have been considered before you moved in together. JMO. Good luck.

I second what Laurie A and Tara R said completely. Please do not worry what everyone else thinks. This is a VERY personal and subjective issue. Is this a good relationship? Is marriage or not a dealbreaker for you? Are you ok with being boyfriend and girlfriend for the rest of your lives? Neither of you are in your teens or early 20s and child free. You have 8 kids between you so I'd say it is a committed relationship!
Is he a good father figure? Is he what you want in a partner? Do you love him? How is the family dynamic?

etc.

He has the daddy role just by your children and you living with him. And if he leaves they will grieve that loss no matter if they've called him daddy or not. Daddy is just a name that describes a relationship. He is filling that role. I suggest that you let them call him Daddy.

My daughter called my significant other Dad.she came to live with me when she was seven. My so and I had been together for a few years. We did not live together but he did take on that role. We separated a couple of years later in a friendly way. He was still her Dad. She's 33 now, still sees or talks with him off and on.

You don't say how long you've been living together. If it's just been a couple of months it would be reasonable to separate. If longer the kids are already attached to him. Moving out would be painful already. Don't act hastily.

Sounds like his saying he doesn't want to get married is a recent statment. Give him time. He's going thru a rough divorce with custody issues. I suggest that what he says is understandable and could actually be healthy.

Since you are already living together I suggest that you give this relationship more time.I would've recommended not .moving in together until he had his life in order. But you did. No matter when you split the kids are going to hurt. You've started down a path. Stay with until you can end it in a way less hurtful.

I urge you and he get counselling to get help to get thru this using your mind as well as your heart.

He is your boyfriend and your kids should call him by his first name. If you and he get married and he adopts your children, then they should call him daddy. Explain to your children that he is not daddy and they should not get too attached to him since he is unwilling to be in a committed relationship.

Whether you want it to happen or not, your children are accepting your BF as a father figure. This is not something you can stop, unless you cut him out of your, and their, lives.

For their sake and his and yours, you and he need to sit down and talk about this. Talk about your feelings, talk about your concerns, and listen to what he has to say.

So neither of you wants to get married right now. Okay, that's fine (and I really mean that, no sarcasm :). But is he committed to helping you raise your kids? And are you committed to do the same with his kids, as a step-parent-type figure? You both need to think about it and be honest. Do you see yourselves together in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, until the kids are out of school and on their own? If so, yeah!... If not, then you need to seriously think about whether staying with him, and then ending the relationship in a couple of years or 5 years is not actually a whole lot worse for your kids, who already have lost one father figure, and what it might do to them to lose another.

In the meantime, it might help a lot to enroll the kids in programs where they have positive male role models, like Campfire Boys/Girls, Boy Scouts, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, etc. Also, have a talk with the kids about their feelings and thoughts. If they are asked at school about it, help them come up with some answers to kids' questions that you and they are comfortable with.

A life long commitment can be given and maintained without a marriage license. You two need to make that decision. You need to "set in stone" what you are to each other and what you want to be to each other's children. Your kids and his, need permanence and reassurance. IF you marry or not, you all need to know that you are "family" no matter what.

Once you two have yourselves settled and figured out, I think you need to have a "family" sit down. Choose a day you have his kids too. I'm not sure about the ages of everyone, but at least your 10 year old should be there.

As a couple, a united committed couple, talk to the kids, have them tell you what they want to call you and your partner. There are lots of "titles" and what is acceptable is up to you and your family.

I have a half-sister, she referred to our mother as Mom or Mommy, her birth mother was Mother. I've known families that have called the "new" parent as Dad/Mom First Name. As for outsider questions, you can tell your children to tell the truth and tell them the truth.

Good luck!

Your poor children. So unfair to them. If it were just the 2 of you, do whatever the heck you want, but with 8 children involved you should have married before moving in and the kids getting so attached

I think if your kids are old enough to realize he's not their biological dad, that he's that "figure" in their life then it's okay. If they are younger then you need to stop this now. They will internalize he's their father and it will tear them apart if you split up.

As to being married or not married. He's entering into a committed relationship with you. He's not saying he's not in love with you or that he's not committed enough. He simply says he does not want to be married again.

So, basically what is different with married and what you'll be doing anyway? Not much. Other than real property, finances, retirement funds, insurance, purchases such as cars, big expenses other than homes, etc...if you split up you get half or so of everything. If you're not married you get what he'll let you have.

My sister lived with a guy for years.They drove a truck together and in their off times they bought houses and she rehabbed them. He's front the money and she did 99% of the work. Every now and then he'd do something but that wasn't often.

He paid her as second seat in the truck. So she had her own income. They pooled their money entirely. Just like a joint checking account within a married couple.

They kept the houses and rented them out.

They never married but she signed her name/his last name on all official documents when they were doing business, she was on his checking account with her name/his last name. Every paper that went through his hands had something of her on it.

When he decided he was done with everything and wanted to retire he basically booted her out the door with nothing.

She went and hired an attorney. He wouldn't even give her the money that would have been her wages. He said she gave him that for room and board.

The attorney filed for divorce under the common law marriage statues. The judge didn't do anything for her. He took everything that the guy said and she ended up with nothing for all her work and employment.

She has a hard time being in a relationship but is happily married now.

This guy changed her mind. They didn't live together before marriage though and they come from drastically different lifestyles. Somehow they make it work.

My point is, take precautions to protect yourself in the event he decides he's done. It can happen.

How can you expect a child to understand the difference between being married and just living together? You two share a room and a life, to her that is the same thing. If you don't want her to see him as a father then he needs to move out until you are ready for that. You need to but your child's feelings first and if you don't intend for him to be a father figure then he needs to have his own place so you once again have just a dating relationship so it won't be confusing for her.

That is a very hard choice to make, I know I was there once. my children where only 3&4 and I got divorce. Then I found a guy who I dated for about a year and my oldest came up and asked if they could call him daddy. he was o.k. with it, he actually liked it so much that he asked me too marry him. I knew if they loved him so much that they wanted to call him daddy he was the one. both my children are grown now and we are still married, they still love him very much.they know who there bio father is, but they know that the one who raised,and loves them is the one they call daddy. all in all what I am saying is your children know who their father is, but it is a good thing if he is good to them to let them make that choice children have a better sense than we do. over all he must be good to them other wise they wouldn't want to claim him has daddy. this is just my opinion.

The longer you have a relationship with this guy and live with him the more attached your kids are going to be. If marriage isn't an option I would remove yourself and the children from the situation to prevent future hurt. Especially since one is already trying to call him dad. No you said that marriage is off the table, I understand that some relationships do last without the dreaded "M" word. Is this what you forsee happening. How long have you been together, how long have you lived together? What kind of relationship do you want your children to have with him if its not a fatherly one? Just oh thats Jim he bangs my mom I am not allowed to care for him? I wouldn't allow anyone to live in the house if I didn't want my children to grow and learn to love him. There's too many questions for me to fully make up my mind but you need to evaluate the relationship. You can't just say okay kids now you can care for him we are married although I told you not to for the past 5 years. I am leaning towards if they are both comfortable with it let it roll.

Well, guys like this don't respond well to an ultimatum. So saying- marry me or we're out of here will not fix things. If you have concerns about taking this big step of letting them call him "Daddy", then listen to your gut. He is still a father figure to them despite what they call him, so that won't change. Perhaps they can find another term of endearment aside from Daddy. That way it will be unique to them and him. Sometimes that's even better. :)

As a child of multiply-divorced parents, I suggest letting them call him what they want. I was told/asked/forced to call boyfriends and step-parents an array of things, and to this day I wish they'd just given me the choice to call them what I was comfortable with. You should all sit down together and give them suggestions: John, Mr. John, Dad, Daddy... whatever.

I have a friend whose Dad was called Dad and stepfather was called Daddy. It was much easier to differentiate to whom she was referring.

Another important point is to give your children the words to address the question of their father at school. For example, "my father isn't a part of my life." And then leave it up to them to give information about your boyfriend. Good luck with all of this!

But most importantly, don't force any of your children to call him Dad if they are not prepared for that. It should be of their own will!

Sounds like your children already have a “daddy relationship” with your bf. He is in their lives and they obviously do feel comfortable. May I ask how long you two have been together?. Whether they call him daddy or not is not really the issue. The issue is how the relationship between the kids and your bf will change when you break up. Will he still be daddy when you have a new bf in your life?..or will he essentially abandon them b/c you are no longer in his life?. Then that will be two men that let them down. I have my own issues with men but even I can see this does not look good for the kids in the long run. I send you peace, patience and understanding as you work through this. Good Luck

My husband has been in our lives since my son was 3. When we were about to be married, my son said he was going to start calling him "daddy" after the wedding (he asked if it was ok and we said "whatever you want"). Well, after the wedding, he continued to call him by his first name (we were fine with). He would refer to him as his "step-dad" but over time would just say "his parents" because most people knew we were his parents (his dad lives in another state and while was a part of his life, was not part of his day to day life).

I wouldn't make a big deal out of what the kids call him. If he's ok with it, let them call him whatever they want. However...maybe you can let them come up with some other special name (even if just a nickname just for them to use). My husband's aunt couldn't bring herself to call her mom and step-dad "mom" and "dad" after her father died so she called them something else entirely (not even their names) something off the wall like "Fred and Ethel".