I went on bf's facebook because of a hallarious post. Mind you this is not abnormal or anything. He knows I get on it. Anyways I got on today and a girl messaged him that he knows I do not like. She knows I do not like her and we have both asked her to please leave us be. Well today I get on and he is messaging her. Mind you this is an ex. One that was very serious. This communication unnerves me because of the fact I thought he and I were on the same page. Also when I look at it, it seems that half of the conversation is missing. It is almost like he deleted messages. I asked him about this and he just blew it off.
Mind you the reason that I have a problem with this girl is she is trouble. She has wanted Trav since we have got together. She will bash me to him and try to cause fights.
I am upset. We have been doing soooo good. Any advice mama's. I am more hurt than anything right now. I thought we talked about this!
Annette. - Thank you for the thought out answer. I do appreciate the honesty from all of you. All I did so far is inform him that I know. Tonight this might get deep. As most of you stated I do not need to tolerate this. As of right now I will not. I do fear however that this is a one sided love. Trav has been so much a part of me and my sons life for so long (friends since I was pregnant with him and around almost constantly, and a constant for over a year) I hate to see this happen. My son will be devastated if this ends, and for him is the only reason I do not act immediately about this.
As for why I stay. Other than a few issues that we have had, it is a really good relationship. However when we hit a bump in the road it is usually pot holes. If you get my point. We have been through some of the toughest things in the world together. It may be hard for some of you to understand but I guess you dont have to understand. He is good to me (other than our not so often issues, that most couples go through eventually) and excellent to my son. I am not meaning to defend him only explain why I tolerate what I do. Until you live in my shoes, and my life you probably won’t understand. Same as me with your life.
If you would stay off FB, you wouldn't have this problem. If you need to talk to someone, call them up! If you're too busy to call, you really didn't need to talk to them anyway. FB is nothing but a drama factory!
I am sorry to say this..and I hope you understand I do not mean this in a mean way. But you both are not in a committed relationship. You have been through a lot together..I get that. But..and it is a huge but...you have not made the commitment before God and the state to forsake all others. He is acting like a boyfriend...not a committed husband.(some husbands don't act like a committed husband either)
He has every right to see who ever he wants..that is what a boyfriend is. You break up..get back together...break up..get back together. A marriage is a commitment to forsake all others..and to try your darndest to love,honor,cherish and adore your spouse. That is when a relationship is matured to a marriage. Your bf is acting like a boyfriend..don't expect him to act like a husband.
I know it breaks your heart..and you are thinking of your son. But you have to look at what is the best example for your son. Your boy needs a MAN in his life not a boy(friend).
Take the advice from the mamapedia ladies. We aren't out to hurt you..just honest perspective from what your life looks like from a small post...but your small post speaks volumes for how your boyfriend does not value you,your son or a future committed relationship without sideshow drama.
I wish you the best!!
The quick and easy short-term solution? Go on his FB and block her completely. No more messages.
Then, go to your boyfriend (corrected...sorry) and tell him that you were looking at some funny pics on his FB and she messaged. You've already made it clear that communicating with this woman is a no-go, so letting him know that you've blocked her shouldn't be an issue...it should bring him relief.
In my house, communicating with exes is forbidden. Nothing good EVER comes of it. We try to place hedges of protection around our marriage. One of those hedges is NOT putting ourselves into compromising or questionable situations.
Best of luck!
ETA: Sorry, Kimberly...yes, he's a BF. My bad. Still, hedges are needed around ANY committed relationship. And since she loves this man, and things have been going well, I don't think it's appropriate to tell her to ditch him yet. I've had an ex message me before...it doesn't mean that I wanted anything to do with him. I blocked him.
He's a boyfriend not a husband. Don't you want and deserve someone who isn't playing games and doesn't cause you to raise an eyebrow? I would brush the dust off and keep it moving. Life is too short to have to worry about ex-whoevers. The issue is that he isn't helping you to feel secure in your spot or you are just insecure in either case it is time to move on and work on you.
How I operate my life is very different than most women. I was single for the first 43 years of my life and it worked for me. I just don't and won't stand for the garbage. My husband is wonderful and well worth the wait. This is the kind of marriage I wanted my son to experence and he is even though he is eighteen now and in college.
UPDATED
I just read your SWH. I have a son and never wanted him to have to live a life with someone who settled but always strived for the best. The best relationships, the best in everything and that is the kind of life we have had and I'm thankful for it. I want the same for you. Yes relationships have their ups and downs but in my opinion no one should have to tolerate feeling like second best or that there is someone in the wings waiting. So no I don't tolerate any behavior that makes my eye brow raise because I don't treat my boyfriend, fiance or husband like that. I expect to be treated with the same kind of love, care, and devotion that I pour into the relationship. For me anything less and I'm better off by myself because I can treat me better than the anxiety, tears and fears that come with being treated like the second best. If this man is important to your son, he can spend time with him and you don't have to entertain the BS he is dishing out by having you wonder about his intentions towards his ex. I've been there and done that and vowed I would never go back to that again and I think neither should you perhaps you are just this aweful guy away from the guy who is willing, ready and able to treat you like his queen. Settling will never get you there.
It sounds like he's a little flattered by her attention and got carried away by an internet conversation that turned flirty. You don't have to pick apart their entire conversation, he'll probably stop listening. Ask him straight out, is he interested in re-kindling with her, yes or no? If he says no, ask him to go online, with you present, and ask that he send her a nice message that although he wishes her well, he is in a committed relationship, and out of respect for that,he does not wish to continue a friendship, and to please stop contacting him. Then he should block her. Honestly, if he doesn't already offer or do this on his own, I'd not be very impressed. If he refuses to do this after you tell him nicely, but firmly you expect him to if he is serious about your relationship, you have 2 choices. Accept he isn't 100% willing to let go of her, and stop looking him to be committed to you long term, or end your relationship. Maybe he's too comfortable right now and he's taking you for granted. I think you deserve better and he should know you won't accept his half-hearted "commitment"
You can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control your own. If she contacts him, oh well. So what? What matters isn't that she's contacting him but how he responds. What matters is whether or not you trust him.
If he's communicating back with his former girlfriend, no one is twisting his arm. If he doesn't know how to block her himself, he still can ignore her messages or simply write back, "Don't contact me again." You're saying they're having conversations. That means you shouldn't have a problem with her because you know where he stands with her and you know where you stand with her. What you don't know is where she stands with him except in how he responds in communications.
Facebook archives messages, by the way. You can't delete them as far as I'm aware. They just go into the abyss of the archive.
Anyway. Your whole relationship is just fraught with high school drama, and not even the good kind. Why are you in a relationship like that? It can't be love, because love doesn't look like this.
Probably not what you want to hear but based on this and your previous posts it sounds like Trav just isn't ready for a mature, committed relationship. The issues that keep cropping up in your relationship are things that you shouldn't have to deal with past high school. You need to strongly consider ending the relationship and moving slowly with the next one. Good luck.
I don't understand why people are telling you to stay off his facebook. It's like they are telling you to put your head in the sand about him having a possible relationship with an ex.
Either you trust him or you don't. There is nothing wrong with looking at his fb, seeing that he is acting untrustworthy and talking to him about it. People who are sneaking around rarely tell the truth about their sneaking. However, they usually do blow their top and tell you to leave them the heck alone or that the problem is all in your head.
Staying away from a problem doesn't mean that there isn't a problem.
You have other issues with him, if I am remembering right. Sometimes one has to look at the entire picture to see if you can stand living with it.
Dawn
I can't believe people are suggesting you go on his FB and block her.
That is sooo high school :-(
Honestly, based on your history together I just don't get it. You're not married, why are you staying with this guy? It sounds like a really, really immature relationship.
You need to rediscuss what obviously he hasn't held up to doing on his part & for him to blow you off should tell you something.
honestly from past posts I dont see why you are still with him. dont stay for your son only for your son to get more attached to a man who isnt good for his mom.
in your past posts you've admitted some things he's done that would make a lot of people call it quits, this is icing on the cake.
dont settle for anything less in a man than you want your son to one day to become!
I agree with blocking her. Sometimes a passive response is the best way to go about it. If he asks you about it and seems annoyed then he may very well enjoy the attention. If he says nothing then you have nothing to worry about. Good luck! :)
You invited trouble and trouble accepted your invitation! Stay away from facebook unless it is your page.
If he is blowing you off, then there is most likely something he is not telling you. I think he is lying about something and in your own words, "I take no tolerance to lies, cheating (in school, life, or relationships) or stealing. In our home those are three VERY BAD THINGS. "
You need to get to the bottom of this. If he really was on the same page as you, he would have defriended this hooch and cut off all contact with her, but for whatever reason he has not. Talk to him about this, if you are not getting satisfying answers you need to think, seriously, about getting our of this relationship. Good luck!
