Need Advice About Facebook and Old Girl "Friends"

To me, when someone gets defensive, there's a reason for it, usually something is not right. I would ask about it in a non-confrontational way, and honestly tell him that you don;t care who his FB friends are, but that you would be uncomfortable with him communicating with her on a regular basis, sending private messages back n forth, etc. My husband and I each have an ex-h.s. GF/BF as FB friends, but we do not communicate with them on a regular basis, and there will certainly be NO meeting in person. If he gets defensive, ask him why he feels defensive if there's nothing to be defensive about?

my husband has an ex as a friend on facebook, it's no big deal, but he was upfront about it and I have a former lover as a friend, we were "friends with benefits" and stayed friends afterwards. I think the key is that we're open about it, and we're friends with each other on facebook too, so it's not like we're unable to see what each other is posting on people's walls.

How did you find out about her? I'll bet he'll get defensive especially if it seems to him like you were snooping around to get the information. I would too!

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Do you feel you could be friends with an old lover/boyfriend?

I am a big believer in the philosophy that there's either trust there in a relationship, or there's not. If there's no trust, it's probably time to end your relationship.

After 8 years, you should know him well enough to answer that question!

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I usually agree with Dawn , but in this case I am going to say the opposite.

If he has not done anything to make you worry about in 8 years, why are you worried now? Do you have some secrets you do not share? I think what you put out there is what you get back.

If you are honest and trusting in your relationship you will get that back from your boyfriend.

If you are secretive and and jealous, he is going to respond to you in a secretive way to avoid your behaviors.

He has told you the answer. Why SHOULD he tell you? You will just get upset? Why are you surprised that he continues to hide it from you? Because you make him feel like you will always think the worst of him..

It is a shame he has to live this way. It is easier to trust the other person enough that you would not have a reason to look for secrets.

I am not jealous of my husband and his friends, old girls friend old lovers, because he is with me, he married me and he tells me he loves me and I believe him.. FYI, he does have a a lot of old girlfriends on his facebook and some of then asked to be my friend and I accepted.. No big deal..

Some people seem to look for drama, even if they do not realize they are the drama.Do not become one of these people..

Go to therapy and work out your insecurities, especially if "This is typical behavior that I have encountered in the past. So, I am hesitant to bring it up even casually.This is typical behavior that I have encountered in the past. So, I am hesitant to bring it up even casually" This is not a totally healthy relationship. .

You do need to trust him if you are to be in a good relationship. How did you find out about this? Where you snooping on his account? If you did, than you are the one in the wrong here, and if you confront him with it he has every right to be upset with you. But you do need to have an open line of communication. I am in touch with some old boyfriends, including my first love and a man I almost married once. I cherish these connections that I am still able to keep with my past, and my husband would have it no other way, since they are my past and our past makes us who we are. But, my husband trusts me completely.

A marriage is built on trust. If he cannot be honest with you about this, then I fear that may signal trouble in a future marriage. If they are just FB friends, meaning they clicked "accept friendship" but do not correspond directly, I think that's ok. However, if they are frequently posting things, sending private messages & especially if they decide to meet up, that is wrong, in my opinion. You say boyfriend / fiancee of 8 years. There are a few ways to read that. If he's been your fiancee for 8 years, then I hate to say he clearly is afraid of committment. If you have a wedding date set & are actively planning it, that should ease your mind a bit. I think it all depends on if there is communication on FB, or if there is no communication, they just accepted the friend request. Maybe you should ask him and see if he is honest saying he is FB friends w/ her, or see if he lies. That would be a tell tale sign. There cannot be any lies. If you appear too controlling, he may freak & delay or call off the wedding. So, tread lightly. Tell him what happened...sounds like a friend saw him become FB friends w/ her & told you. Ask him flat out. Ask him if they talk on FB, or not. If he is defensive...that's a bad sign. If he is honest & compassionate about your feelings, that's a good sign.

Yes, you should be concerned. If for nothing else other than the fact that he won't talk to you about it. In a relationship no topic should be off limits! If you are uncomfortable with something you should be able to voice that without it causing a blow up. Do you have complete access to his FB account? If so, then he's not hiding anything so you can start with that. I would suggest you let him know that you would like to talk to him about something and keep it to your feelings about this. Don't accuse him of anything or say it's wrong, just stick with it makes you uncomfortable. If he can't understand/support that, then you've got bigger issues in your relationship. Sorry!

Your going to get a lot of sage, grown up advice. But I'm married to a defensive child myself, so, I know that taking the high road doesn't really accomplish much. I've gotten to the point, where I don't look for reasons to be upset. That means I don't check his fb page or look at his phone or any of that. But back when I did, if that had happended.. I wouldn't say a word. It sounds like you found this out the old fashined way --- snooping! So, how are you going to ask without getting busted? lol Just monitor the situation and don't react to it until you have reason to. Or theres the other approach. Much more dangerous but very effective. Friend an ex that he knows about. Then, when he asks you about it you can say, oh well, I noticed you friended whats her face, so, I thought you wouldn't mind. Not to be tit for tat, but because some men don't understand until the shoe is on the other foot. They don't really get it until it happens to them. Then you can have an open discussion about how you both feel it's wrong to kick it with the ex and you will have a bargaining chip. If you storm in there and insist he unfriend her, well, you look like an insecure controling woman. But if he's pissed that you friended a dude, you can say, "I see this is just as upsetting for you as it was for me. Lets do ourselves a favor and get rid of our exes. Let's both unfriend these trouble makers." Then everybodys happy but that home wreckin hoochie.

My husband and I are completely open and honest with each other. We hide nothing. He sees the posts on my exes fb page and any messages I send him. My husband has told me about the times he's ran into an ex or old 'lover' and told me all about the conversation. I met my husbands ex wife and got along with her really well.

But we trust each other completely. I know he'd never do anything to hurt me and I would never do anything to hurt him. If we can't be honest with each other about everything, there's not much reason for us to be together. He and I were both in previous marriages where we couldn't be ourselves and be honest... That eventually made us divorcees.

If he's getting defensive about everything you ask about or want to discuss, he needs to tell you why he feels the need to become defensive. Maybe it's your approach... Maybe it's just his attitude. Maybe it's just the oil and water relationship... Just doesn't mix. Some personalities cannot mix well.

But as said before by many before me... you need trust for a relationship to work.

My suggestion is short and sweet... reverse it... bring up the fact that an old flame of yours asked to be your friend and you want to get his input as to how you should handle this. That is your chance to be honest in how you feel about it... and hopefully he will be honest as well.
Good Luck`

My response kind of depends on what your husband is like. Does he tell you loves you all the time? Shows you he loves you? Have you ever felt like he wasn't committed 100% to your relationship? (I kinda wonder at that since it's been 8 years and you're not married). Guys aren't like girls so he may not be hiding it from you, he may just think it's no big deal and not worth talking about. Why do you say he doesn't like to share these types of things with you? or is he secretive alot? Does he do not tell you because he feels like he gets accused? My husband and I both have ex's as our facebook friends. We each know eachother's password. I won't however, have a facebook friend to an ex of mine i know he really doesn't like. I might be concerned knowing an ex was purposely hunting him. Has he written back? Does she seem to want to get back together with him? I think you need to pick your battles, but if this really concerns you, talk to him about it. But be careful how you go about doing it. Don't be accusing. Instead lightly bring it up and tell him how it makes you feel in a very non confrontational way.
If you can't trust him though, something is wrong in this relationship.

I'm friends w/ some of my ex-boyfriends on FB, and my husband is friends w/ a couple of his old girlfriends. No big deal for us; we are quite secure in our trust and relationship together. I guess that's really the key ... trust. But I really like Marie A's response below :D

Facebook is both good and bad. Good for old friends to reconnect after losing contact for many years but on the other hand it can cause problems in any relationship. A good example of this is a neighbor just got divorced in the last year cuz her husband reconnected with an old flame of his on FB. After chatting and emails, they ended up secretly meeting and well you know the rest. This couple had been married for 12 years but luckily had no kids.

I am on Facebook, hubby is not. I can tell you right now that I would never be "friends" with an ex on Facebook out of respect for him. He has never said I couldn't or anything like that, we haven't really discussed it. I just don't, because I wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed. However, if I was, I can tell you it would be completely innocent. A lot of people on FB, try to get as many "friends" as they can, and yes they are their "friend", but they don't ever talk on Facebook or make comments. If they are talking regularly, then there might be a problem. If it makes you uncomfortable, I would talk to him in a very calm way and non confrontational way. If he knows it bothers you, he should have no problem "unfriending" her. If he is adamant about keeping her as a friend, there might be a serious issue there. Especially because she is single!

I, too, agree with Marie...you should try to some how bring it up...not fight about it because it is facebook and you two should be able to talk about those sort of things....here is a similar question I had found on a site called the skinny scoop...check it out - majority of women "act" the same as their husbands do on facebook and maybe you'll get some ideas from their responses...good luck!

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/question/q/1787?utm_campaig...

I guess confronting him is based on how you found out? If you went in to his account then he will be defensive anyway. If someone told you, then you can just say that or if you found out because you saw the posting on his page. If you did see it posted , then he is not keeping it from you as I am sure he knows you go to his page. If you found out in a more "covert" way then you need to decide is this the hill I'm gonna fight to put my flag on? If you have been engaged for 8 years and not married is it on your end because of trust issues. You did say this is something he wouldn't likely share with you. If that is the case and you can't ask him because he will get defensive, and usually a guilty person is defensive(IMO), then you might want to rethink why you are in a relationship with someone you can't speak openly to about concerns and as you pointed out it is not a transparent relationship. My ex and I are FB friends as we were together for a long time and I am close to his family. My hubs knows this and at anytime can see what we've written and if he was ever uncomfortable the ex would be blocked from my FB page. My ex was my 1st love but my hubs is the love of my life, so he trumps all!