I Never Thought I Wanted Kids Now I'm 13 Weeks Along? Will My Feelings Change?

You're only 13 weeks along, and it's an unplanned pregnancy. I think it just hasn't sunk in yet, it doesn't feel real. Be thankful that you're together with the father, and he's excited. Start making a plan for how you're going to co-parent if you don't live together.

I know two women who felt like you. The first, though sometimes wistful for a child-free life, has embraced parenthood wholeheartedly and is a great mother. The second does not enjoy being a parent. She shirks her parental commitments as often as possible and, honestly, her children would be better off living with someone else. She had two children and has often said 'I was only supposed to have one child, if any.'

Some people who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant do fall in love with their child once he is born but others do not and regret it. ]

Good luck.

Suz T. put it better then I could. But,

I really hope you don't become like this mom.

http://hotmodelphotos.com/new-mom-keeps-giving-her-baby-t...

Women (and men) like this should never become parents. I never planned on having children, but always wanted to. For me, there has never been a day that I resented my daughter, even though having her changed my life forever.

sigh.
i'm groping for sympathetic and helpful words.
i struggle with it because there is really almost zero reason for any woman who doesn't want to be pregnant to get pregnant in the year 2015 CE. and there is absolutely zero reason for any woman who doesn't want to bear a child to do so. and in my world, it is absolutely imperative for any woman who is going to go through the wonderful, blessed, holy experience of bringing a life into the world to be all in and committed to the experience, if not the child itself (adoption is an option too.)
you'll probably get into it. most women do pretty much fall in love when they see their babies. i didn't right away with my first (who was very much wanted although not planned) but within 24 hours i had. so you'll probably be fine.
i hope you are. but parenthood is wonderful and terrible and expensive and tends to wreak havoc on relationships, and if you're not committed to your boyfriend and not committed to self-care to the degree that you can get pregnant without wanting to and and not too whoopie about being a mom, i have worries.
i really do wish you well and hope it all works out.
khairete
S.

I never wanted kids, and when I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I was on birth control and for whatever reason it didn't work. I was 27 years old and in a relationship that I was just starting to realize was abusive and the last thing I needed was a child. I considered abortion, because I had that choice, but ultimately I chose to continue the pregnancy. My ex, like a typical abusive partner, cycled through being great and being a monster, but he eventually moved out. It was the worst 9 months of my life. I was alone, depressed and scared. I hated every moment of being pregnant. When I was in the hospital, in labor, I kept telling by OB that I didn't want a baby. He was awesome, he said we could talk about it after he was finished and asked me if I had seen any good videos lately. After my daughter was born and I met her for the first time, I thought "Well, maybe THIS baby is OK. She IS awfully adorable." And I never looked back. I did end up escaping that abusive man before he could hurt her, in fact I do believe that protecting her was the final push I needed to get away. She was 5 months old when I ran away,literally, in the middle of the night. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done and I don't regret it for a minute. I raised her by myself, with no help at all from him. My daughter will be 19 tomorrow, a week into her second year of college, a honor student on the Deans list and on her way to being a super successful woman. She is hands down the single best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have three wonderful children, that I actually WANTED, and I had a husband, job and home before deciding/trying to get pregnant.
I also had an abortion, at age 18, after failed birth control.
I regret none of it.
Personally I would never have a baby I didn't fully want, and I certainly wouldn't have a kid because my "boyfriend" was excited.
And a boyfriend for six years? I'm sorry I just don't get that, either get married or move on, who wants to live like a teenager at 26, that's just stupid on so many levels :-(

Some people simply do not want children, there is no shame in that, and if you are one of them I doubt it will magically change just because you have a child. I have no doubt you can still be a great mother, and that you will love your child just as fiercely and completely as any other parent, but that does not mean that parenthood was or will become something you actually want/wanted.

What you do need to do is figure out for sure what you DO want, you are nearing a turning point where you will no longer have a choice in the matter, so be sure before you commit with the rest of your life.

It'll be ok. My experience was, I wanted a baby, my husband at the time adamantly did not. I finally convinced him to not-try-not-to (stop using birth control, which all we were doing was pull-out method so I don't know how we hadn't gotten pregnant before that anyway), and BAM! first try. Greeeaaat. I was scared to tell him. He ended up getting VERY into it. But he also didn't work, or worked part time, and we were constantly broke and didn't know how we were going to pay for anything. I very much had blinders on for much of my pregnancy. I didn't think about things too hard.

When my son was born I did not fall automatically in love. Looking back I wish they wouldn't build up that moment so much. For many of us it doesn't work that way. I hated breastfeeding (sorry, I did!), I was pressured into taking a plane trip halfway across the country when he was 10 days old (HUGE mistake), and I just didn't feel like I had control over ANYTHING. I didn't eat for three days after we went home because I was so stressed out, every time he cried I felt nauseated. It was NOT instant magical bliss.

But he grew on me :) within a few weeks (after we got back home and I felt somewhat in control of my own life and body again), I started to relax and trust me, I'm as big of a nut for my kid as anyone these days. It's all a distant memory - and I'm pregnant with #2 (*ahem* with husband #2 too, lol)

So just hang in there. It's NOT all rainbows and unicorns. But it will all work out and you will most likely find it the most worthwhile thing you've ever done. Just don't force it and don't let anyone tell you that your journey is "wrong". You'll get there in your own time.

**I'm a little shocked at so many people suggesting abortion or adoption. You clearly said the father is ecstatic - why on earth would anyone suggest taking that away from him? WORST CASE scenario, an excited, involved dad should have first "dibs" if a mother decides it's not the right decision for her. But I don't get "abortion" or "adoption" vibes off you at all. You have good support it sounds like, and my gosh why on earth would people suggest you give up the baby or terminate is beyond me. I'm just flabbergasted. Now I'm not one to judge if that's the direction a person goes - but that wasn't what this question was about at all.

Some good advice below, and some useless stuff about the woman who Jackie feels should never have been a mother.

These are completely individual feelings, and you are entitled to them, no matter how jumbled they seem right now. This was unplanned, you are hormonal, and you are quite rightly seeing the pros and cons to this. Just because your boyfriend is excited doesn't mean you have to be - please don't let anyone make you feel guilty. This is YOUR body and your life which will change from this moment on.

You do have choices. You can explore them with objective help from a counselor if you like. It doesn't matter if you love your friends' kids - its not the same. It doesn't matter if they think you would "make a great mother" or even if YOU think you would. That doesn't mean you're ready now or that you ever will be.

It is true that many women don't feel at all connected to a pregnancy in the early stages. You don't feel pregnant, you don't look pregnant, you're just all messed up with emotions.

It's also true that many change their minds when they meet their babies. It's also true that many don't feel that instant connection. Those are all legitimate responses to a massive, life-changing event (physical, emotional, financial, sexual….).

I've counseled thousands of women in my years as a health educator - they've made all kinds of decisions, and some have been happy with those choices and others have not. The ability to deal with the outcome has a lot to do with how much support and education they got throughout their decision-making process. Any of the options are possible for any given woman.

My concern is that you don't have anyone you can share your concerns with. You don't want to bring your boyfriend down, but while it sounds like you're leaning toward continuing the pregnancy, it's also possible you aren't sure. But there's nothing wrong with you not being all gaga about baby clothes and car seats if you are questioning whether you want to spend the rest of your life as a parent.

If your boyfriend cannot come down of his cloud to be where you are, then work to get him there and perhaps to talk to a counselor who doesn't have a vested interest in the outcome. If you aren't even sure you want to be tied to him forever, this could have an added effect. Even if "he's the one", that doesn't mean you agree on every major issue - or the timing of them. So you need to be sure you both can support and listen to each other even if you aren't sure you agree - those matters, and how they are approached, set the stage for a successful marriage too.

Maybe you need help figuring out finances. Maybe you need help deciding whether to continue or not. Every woman who has terminated a pregnancy has debated it in her head. That's okay - it doesn't make you a bad person. Not at all.

There's nothing wrong with you for being unsure. Even those who plan their pregnancies go through doubts and rough patches, so there's nothing odd about your predicament. Please reach out for help beyond Mamapedia, and do it quickly so you don't feel trapped.

Good luck to you.

In my early 30's I was a working woman in NYC with a boyfriend. I hadn't had anything to do with kids since I babysat in my early teens. I briefly saw other people's kids but they had no appeal. Kids out and about in public were like aliens to me and rarely blipped my radar. I had NO DESIRE to get married or have kids. No aversion really, I just never thought about it.

Then one day I was coming out of yoga and I saw a woman my age holding a toddler on her hip and I had a reeling physical reaction in my gut! It was my biological clock! They're real! I still didn't feel like I wanted to have kids, but I started to realize I might regret not having kids, so not long after that I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because I knew I'd want a family "one day" and he wasn't interested in kids either.

He ended up proposing and we had three kids. I was 35, 37, and 39 when they were born. We're divorced now, but both over the moon for the kids. I'm a single mom, which is the toughest and most rewarding thing I've ever done, and he travels constantly but he puts the kids first whenever he's not on the road. He misses them every day. We were a great family except for his cheating.

Anyway, for the entire time I was pregnant with my first I was like OMG OMG OMG I DON'T EVEN LIKE KIDS. OMG OMG OMG I like staying up all hours being creative and sitting alone in cafes sketching and writing in journals, I can't have a KID?? OMG OMG OMG what if it's a girl?! YIKES, I do NOT WANT A GIRL!!!!

And then the minute my daughter was born: My overpowering mother chemistry came from the universe and I was in love and can't imagine never having these little people. And I loved that my first was a girl and didn't know what I was thinking before!! Although there are days I want to move back into a tiny apartment and have only myself to think about..but those are rare! It also helps that I did a lot of the crazy things in life I wanted to do before my kids came along. I haven't had to battle the feeling that the kids stole my life like some younger parents do.

SO. Yes. For SOME people, a switch flips, and you suddenly become a loving mother. Not for all people of course.

These are modern times and you are very young, so you chose to become pregnant with your boyfriend. You could have used powerful birth control or taken a morning after pill or gotten an abortion, but you decided to become a mom at 26, and the father of your baby is excited. You like kids in general. I think your mothering instinct will kick in. It's natural to feel anxious and unsure.

***Just thinking of the opposite end of spectrum here...I know a mom or two who got to that time in life, all their friends had kids, their husbands wanted kids, they"really wanted kids too", they got all excited and prepped, and then once the kids were born...and needed all their time and energy..and needed discipline..and they weren't just hot young party girls anymore...they weren't loving life a lot of the time. But they still love their kids thank goodness..

I wasn't overly excited, either. Really, with either pregnancy. I had miserable pregnancies (continuous nausea the entire pregnancies all the way up until delivery). I always assumed I'd have kids, but I am definitely not a baby-lady. I don't run around wanting to hold every newborn I see (or really, ANY of them). Babies can be gross, in reality. They poop and pee and it spills out of their clothes/diapers onto whoever might be holding them. They spit up and throw up all over you, too. But, they are pretty cute, too, and they aren't always crying and do have a sweetness that is like nothing else.

But for me, what I feel/felt for my own children, doesn't always translate to "all kids" or "all babies"... I used to feel like something was wrong with me. That I didn't have a maternal urge or something. But, I've since met actual people that are like that and I am nothing like that.

But I wasn't super excited about it before the babies arrived. Once they are here, your entire world will change. You will be shocked at how fiercely you love your baby and have frightening it can be to know you are their protector and provider and they are TOTALLY dependent upon you. It's overwhelming sometimes.

But, I did not feel much of that (or any of it) before they were actually born.

So, don't fret or feel guilty over "not being excited enough"... People are different. You'll feel plenty of love when the baby arrives. Right now, in this moment, it's impossible to comprehend b/c you haven't experienced it. But that will change. :) But not every woman is a baby freak or magnet. And that's perfectly normal and ok, too.

Consider adoption should your feelings not change; there are so many of us out there who want kids and who wouldn't otherwise have the chance.

Hugs and good luck

I'm sad for a baby who is going to born to a mom who doesn't want him/her. I don't think you should feel guilty. A woman doesn't have to have kids to have a full and happy life. But I also am not sure you should keep this baby. Have you considered adoption?

My experience, I waited to have kids until I wanted them so badly it hurt. Sure, I was still nervous and scared about the way my life was going to change - because having a child changes everything for the rest of your life. I was nervous about pregnancy complications and whether or not my baby was going to be healthy. There is a lot to be nervous about when you are pregnant. But I was never worried that I wouldn't love my baby because I wanted that baby with my whole heart before I became pregnant.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think that all babies deserve parents who want them, and if you don't, you should consider other options.

ETA: Just FYI if some of the answers seem off-base. The details of the situation have changed since it was first posted.

Birth control can fail but however this happened, it will be ok. I always wanted children in the "it's what you do" way vs I actually loved taking care of children. Quite the contrary. But I got pregnant bc I was getting older and all my friends were having kids and I thought it'd be lonely to be old someday and not be a parent. So not a ringing endorsement. However, as people have said, you will love your kids in a way you didn't know is possible to love. It took me a little while tho. My first was a difficult baby and I couldn't sleep and I thought she was cute bc she really was a pretty baby but I sure wasn't in love. It took a while. I was protective and incredibly devoted but not happy. And I still am not a natural mom in some ways. My life completely revolves around my kids and I do nothing but work and be with them but two was enough and I do get aggravated and resentful. But they've also made me grow up and be a much less selfish person. And the love is incredible. And the joy when they're happy or being cute and hugging me. Their little arms tightly around your neck is the best feeling in the world. And now that mine are older, I do almost want another. So you'll be ok. There are women who are all about being a mother and want six kids. Maybe that's not you but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be a mother at all. Be prepared for your world to completely change but you will slowly adjust. And read books on it. Lots of books now about how hard being a mother is vs it's soooo amazing. Oh. And now I feel a bit sorry for people who don't have kids. Not that they're not perfectly happy. I get that. But it's hard not to feel like they're missing something huge.

If you don't want kids, you don't have to remain pregnant.

Ditto exactly what Suz T said.

Maybe you're still in shock about the news at the moment. Was the pregnancy a surprise? We have 2, one planned, the other was earlier than we expected. Took me awhile to come to terms. Wouldn't have changed a thing though. One thing for sure, if you're not on board, don't do it. Parenting is amazing and fun but hard too; not for the faint of heart. Good luck.

I am going to tell you the honest truth: YES. I felt this way too. And even for a few months after I had my first. I loved him, but I had a very hard time adjusting. However, I grew to love him fiercely and I have never looked back since he was a few months old. Don't worry, you will feel this way too, I'm sure. A LOT of people feel this way, whether they admit it or not:)

Being a parent is awesome - but it's also a huge scary responsibility.
You're in charge of this new tiny helpless human life - who can't communicate with you for at least several years - and you've never done this before.
We went though a lot to have our son - there was no doubts during my pregnancy - I was cautiously optimistic
Still when he was born and they laid him on my tummy to meet him the first time I had this enormous surging feeling of "What have I done with my life? How am I going to DO THIS?".
He was the cutest little thing (and they all look funny right after birth) and your attention just focuses right on him.
It seemed like he cried non stop for almost 8 weeks - my husband was great helping me (he stayed home with us for a month) - we had no family near by.
But finally child settled down and my husband was back at work and I finally had a feeling "Yeah, this will work and we're going to be fine!".
He's 16 (almost 17) now and a great young man and he makes us so proud.
Parenthood is the toughest job you'll ever love.
Watch Parenthood (the movie) (1989 with Steve Martin) - it's a great film!

In this country (at least for now) you have choices. Please be sure you are not on the fence about this. Your future child deserves you to be "all in" and there is no guarantee you'll change your mind after birth. Becoming a parent is not something you should enter into just because you got pregnant.

As evidenced by some responses below many people do end up changing their minds and become happy, successful Mothers. The thing is you will never hear from the ones who didn't, especially in a forum like this. Who is going to say "Yeah, I never wanted kids, then I had one and I'm living with misery and regret."?

JACKIE P- So you think that writer should never have become a Mother? Are you with the freaks calling for her child to be taken away or even worse sending her death threats?

Just because you don't like the way she expressed herself (sarcastically) in pictures included in an article she wrote (which I'm pretty sure you never even read) doesn't mean she is an unfit Mother. Maybe before passing judgment you should actually find out exactly what it is you're talking about.

Looks like a very loved and well taken care of child to me. So tongue in cheek, sarcastic self expression is off the table if a person is looking for your stamp of parental approval, got it.

http://pankisseskafka.com/

https://www.facebook.com/schumanthehuman?fref=photo

I am assuming this was an unplanned pregnancy. If you don't want a child you should NOT have a child. You are only 13 weeks along and abortion is a viable and (at least for now) legal option. I certainly would not count on suddenly wanting children just because you get one. Children are highly disruptive to your sleep, life style and require a lot of time and organization. They are also extremely expensive. I think any child you choose to bring into the world deserves two parents who really really really 100% want him or her. You will hear from lots of parents who weren't sure/didn't want a child but now are happy with one. You will NEVER hear from the parents who know they made a mistake and are now dealing (well or poorly) with the consequences.

If on the other hand this was a planned pregnancy (and you went through all the pros and cons and soul searching that deciding to have a child SHOULD involve), perhaps you are just having some temporary cold feet. Even so, I would advise you to review all your initial reasoning and be certain while you still have options.

Also that 'I fell instantly in love with my newborn the moment I saw him' does NOT happen for everyone. Even for many women who will become fiercely good parents with time.

ETA: Did the original question change a bit?

My opinion?
Sometimes being pregnant doesn't seem "real" at first.
That's why babies take 9 months to form.
In those 9 months, you'll have 5 million different emotions and your mind, body and soul will align.
This is still new, give it some time.
Congrats!

I didn't want kids and my husband was okay with that. After 5 years of marriage, I changed my mind. I don't think he was sure about that but we have two kids now and can't imagine life without them. I hope your feelings change. Why get pregnant if u don't want them?

Well ... I did everything by the book and didn't bond right away with my first.

And I have friends who had unplanned pregnancies who did. Pretty hard to predict what will happen for you - I think it's unique for every mom.

I do think you have to be up for the challenge. It's the most rewarding experience but also the hardest. You dedicate yourself fully to this little person. It's easier if you're ok with that and it's a no brainer.

When mine had colic for the first two months and I felt like a total failure, I still knew in my gut that it was the most right thing for me to be doing.

I hope you feel it's the right thing for you by the time the baby arrives, but there are options.

Good luck :)

Get on babycenter.com for weekly emails, it will help to learn more but don't feel rushed, it might even be surreal until you hold your baby, GL.

I would take some time to break down what you are worried about. If you are a planner, you will have to take some things and hurl them out the window. My sister learned that kids cannot be counted on to follow the plan. Remember you are not alone (the father sounds happy and supportive) and you can lean on other people. You don't have to walk the halls at 4AM all by yourself. If you are worried about a particular thing, get to the bottom of that. I didn't want kids - until I did. And now that I have my DD, I'm very happy to be her mom. Sure, many days are not wine and roses, but most days are good with only some bad moments. They're people, too. I think you probably just need some in -person reassurance. FWIW, if you do not want the baby, but he does, please consider having the child and letting him raise it.

I never wanted or necessarily valued having children of my own before I had them. With my first I felt similar to you but had the added stress that being pregnant and unmarried made my relationship very stressful mostly because of me and not being ok with not wanting to get married and feeling a ton of pressure to do so. I thought I may be a single mom I was such a hard person for my SO to deal with.
After my 20 month ultra sound. I saw my babies little face in the fuzzy picture and came up with a name and bam... Instant tiger mom. In the last trimester I resolved to give up my childish emotional games with my partner and everything has been honestly great since.
Now, I don't always love all other people's children (because there is always the rare truly rotten one I can't stand), but I love my children in a way I never could have imagined possible. Best thing I've ever done in life hands down... My SO is a runner up if not right up there with them. 😊
My only advice is that say what you want. It's hard to not feel judged by all other moms and married couples out there. Try to walk your own path and keep your chin optimistically up. This will very likely be the most rewarding change ever to happen in your life. But that doesn't mean you can't still ruin it for yourself by making bad choices. Choose to be happy for yourself and become a tiger mom. It's a conscious choice.