I Need Help!! - El Paso,TX

Hello C.:

When my daughter was born, my son was 2 1/2 years old. I tried to keep him involved/engaged in the things I was doing with the baby. I also, when I could, let the baby cry for a few minutes if we were in the middle of something. I would tell him that his needs were important too and that the baby could wait a few minutes until we were done. It showed him that he was important to me and my daughter was fine waiting a few minutes. Eventhough my son and I may not have been all the way done, we at least got to a stopping point before I got up. I always invited him to "help" me with her and walk with me to get her.

Also, I engaged my husband to become a part of my daughter's (the baby's) bedtime routine. It was a bonding time for the two of them and I then had time to reconnect with my son. Eat dinner with him or get him ready for bed and/or cuddle/read whatever time we were at that particular day. Then I would take the baby back if needed so my husband could tuck them in, etc.

Talking to his teacher/counselor/professional could be helpful too since there may be issues outside the home that are causing this negative reaction at home.

Hope that helps.

Yes, seek professional help. Anytime someone says they are thinking/have thought about killing themselves, you need to get a professional involved. He is sounds seriously depressed, and it needs dealing with. Please try a good child psychologist first. If you need a recommendation, please write to me.

yes, I would seek help for sure! That behavior can't continue and the yelling is not good for anyone! It doens't matter that he is a honor roll student (although that is good) he is still hurting inside from something and it needs to be adressed. Centainly don't want that to go on and mess up the family. Hope you get the help he needs.

I have three children also. And yes, someone is always getting left out (two of us and three of them). SO, my husband and/or I will take each one of them out individually on a special occasion night or day and go do something fun for them. This is a constant effort on our part or the children are not fulfilled. If we don't spend quality time with each child, our family is like a wheel that is out of balance. I hope the best for you and your family.

Deborah

Definitely you should seek professional help. Start with a visit to your pedatrician for a check up to make sure there are no physical causes for his actions. I was a single parent of a daughter whose father paid very little attention to her. That, coupled with deaths of grandparents, caused me to put her in therapy in second grade. It made all the difference in the world. Also, I taught high school for 38 years and I could see what happened to kids who had issues that had not been dealt with in a timely fashion. Kids need reassurance that you love them, and sometimes it takes a professional to help you with that.

Dear C.,
You might try setting up a schedule and let them help making house rules. Also include consquences for breaking the rules. Post them on a wall Have him help with the baby. Like put him in charge of getting the diapers, bring you a bottle and letting him help by sitting next to you if he will. On your schedule have a work task, then a relex time. maybe include in a activity creating some artwork or making cookies with him.or when the little one is asleep, make time to spend just with him, like playing cards or something he likes, but let him that is his time.

He is not your middle child.. he is your baby boy... I had two girls and then a boy.. and I always called my middle daughter my baby girl... or youngest girl.. as she got older... and we seemed to manage to smooth over the middle child syndrome...

Hi C.,
It sounds like your son does need some proffesional help on how to deal w/whats going on inside him.
There is a place called LifeWorks in Austin that counsels children and teens.They have a grant right now that allows you to take your child w/no cost.If you can afford it's on a slididng scale basis or if your insurance covers it even better. If you don't have any insurance you qualify for the grant. Do look into looking for some sort of help for him cause when any child says he wants to die it can be a mental or emotional issue and needs to be diagnosed.
I had wonderful results w/ Life Works for my 2 children.
I wish you the BEST. Only we parents can do for our children cause its not up to anyone else to do our job as parents and their physical and mental help is very important to raise them to be healthy adults.
Life Works has diffrent locations in Austin,please seek help for him don't think it's just going to go away and wait to see results cause he needs to know there are people who want to help him feel better about life and can feel better.

Perhaps there is a trusted teacher or counselor at school who might casually talk to your son and ask him how things are at home. If he denies that anything is wrong, I would ask for a referral to see a child psychiatrist. Your son probably just needs reassurance that he is still an important part of your family. But, there are probably methods of assuring him that the child psychiatrist can suggest that will be simple and effective.

I wouldn't worry too much in the meantime. It's got to be scarey for a child who has been the youngest for 7 years to be suddently "replaced" by another child, and a girl at that!

Anyway, ask for help and don't wait too long to do it.

I just read one of the responses who said "be careful of asking a psychiatrist for help as they tend to medicate", and I totally agree. You need to find a child PSYCHOLOGIST, not a psychiatrist. They will be more apt to talk of things you can do to help your son and not just "throw pills" at him!

Make sure you and your husband separately get time with your kids alone - one on one. That should help with his feelings as well as give you some converstion time to see if any thing else is going on.

Hi C., I absolutely would see a therapist. We went through something similar but with our 3 yr old son. Totally different situation because of age but certainly made life misserable for everyone. I would talk to his pediatrician and ask for some names. Because our son was so young, most appointments were spent without my son in the room (the therapist helped us understand what he was going through and ways we could parent). At the age of 8, I'm sure he'll be more involved. Or, have him talk to a councelor at school. Just an fyi...my mom had me see a councelor at your son's age (divorce). I was pulled out of class to meet with the councelor and I didn't like that at all. Kids clearly do not like their schedules to be disrupted. I felt like my peers were wondering what was going on. Anyway, have him meet with one after school (after the other kids have gone home). He'll probably put up a little bit of a fight but if he can't talk to you about his feelings, maybe he can talk to a stranger. Which reminds me, is he open to sharing his emotions with you or your husband? Maybe an aunt, uncle or grandparent? Maybe a friend's parent. Talk to his teachers. Do they see changes or is he taking his anxiety out on the family only? Other than that, I would try to spend as much 1x1 time with him as possible. Although, I'm sure you have already tried this. Our daughter is 16 months old now and our son is still very jealous of her. He's kind to her but is constantly asking me to put her down and hold him, etc. Oh, I feel for you. It's so hard because it does put a strain on your marriage, then you start to feel bitter. You are not alone. Anyway, I definitely don't think you would be going overboard by seeking out the help of a therapist. You want to see your baby boy happy again! btw...sorry this post is so unorganized.

If your son is talking about hurting himself and you think, in any way, this may be a possibility, then it is your responsiblity to get him some help, and fast! If you think he's just being dramatic to get attention (and only you know your child and his personality), then maybe you can take some steps to try to give him more positive attention. As difficult as it is, you probably need to be spending some one on one time with the older boys (your daughter probably gets plenty of that while the boys are at school). If you think he's feeling left out and replaced, then you need to pay special attention to show him that he isn't. Take him to the park by himself or on a bike ride and leave the other 2 with hubby or have hubby take him out fishing or whatever they like to do, but give him some of his own time. This doesn't excuse his behavior and when you're spending time with him and things are calm, maybe you can talk to him about the yelling and talk to him about more appropriate ways to express his feelings. You need to do the same for your older son too. He may be feeling the same way, but is handling it differently due to his age and/or personality. You don't have to spend all day alone with them, but an hour or two a week can make a huge difference in a kid's life. I would give that a try and see if his behavior starts to change.

One other thing I would mention is that when he is in the middle of one of his "tantrums", try to send him to his room until he is calm and then go and talk to him by himself without the other 2 kids around (if at all possible) and again, reinforce how he could handle the situation differently. Tell him it's okay to be angry or upset, but that he has to use his words to express that without the yelling and door slamming. Don't give him attention when he's acting out....send him to his room and only deal with him when he calms down. That way, he should quickly figure out that the yelling won't get anyone's attention.

I just wanted to reiterate that you don't want to wait too long if you feel like he is serious about harming himself. Please make sure you take steps to get your whole family into counseling if you think he's headed down that path. Good luck to you.

C.,

I totally understand how you feel. Having three little children is like having a full time job except you never can really "go home" and take a break. YOu are right about your son communicating his needs. It looks like he wasn't ready to share you and he is communicating it now.He is right about how he feels too. The best thing you can do for him is to voice how he feels. Right then in the moment you can say " you are mad that I cannot play with you now", "you wish you could have me all for yourself" or whatever he is upset about. YOu need to address how he feels about the baby. Every child is compassionate and loving but if he feels like the baby ruined his life he cannot be a loving brother until somebody understands his feelings. All we do and say is a communication and we have to communicate until heard. Your voicing his feelings and thoughts will build trust and connection he so badly needs at the moment. The best thing you could do for him is having "play times" once a week. It is the most special time you can offer him and it will change his behavior dramatically. YOu can find more info about the play times and the way to talk to children so they feel understood and don't have to act out their feelings on www.languageoflistening.com.
Look for a Say What You See - Free booklet. You will enjoy it. It will take you an hour to read but it will change the whole dynamic in your family in the shortest time.

Good luck and keep me posted! My info is on the Language of Listening web site.

Love,

E.

Hello It happened to us. We had 8 & 6 yr old girls when our son was born. Our 6 yr old was talking like that from the time we told her I was pregnant. Everyday there was a melt down & everyday those same words. Why do you need another baby? I'm your baby. I wish I were dead! Well, It took a lot of extra loving and special time & we involved her with her brother & she eventually got over it. I would say you have it a bit worse because he has had even longer as the baby. Make sure the teachers know he is having a problem at home & check into a child psychologist. We used one with my oldest at another time when she cried a lot. It turned out she didn't know how to express her feelings & would get frustrated. The child psychologist suggested we talk more when things happened like if she accidently ruined a picture. Saying "oh how frustrating after you worked so hard. It makes me angry when I do something after working so long on a project I'd like to run around the yard until I'm tired" or some other safe outlet type thing. But state the emotions & something to do without saying you are such & such - do this.
God Bless
S.

The new baby seems to have been significant to him and not in a good way. You and your husband may need to take HIM on an outing, let him talk, yell, scream and let you know how HE feels...without the audience. Then praise him for letting it out and let him know, and SHOW HIM he is still loved and the baby boy, he still has HIS status with the family. Nip it now!!!! Let him know it is OK to request an outing, so the other children are not disturbed by his lashing out.
Be careful with professional help, they are into medicating instead of seeking out the real problems!!

Please seek help--for you and the family as a whole. I saw first hand this play out with my Sister and her child, who is now an un-productive 37 year old and the entire family unit has suffered-including her marriage. She had three children. It will not an easy task, but one that is worth it in the long haul.

It is easier to heal a child than it is to repair an adult.

Many blessings and prayers.

C., I don't have 3 children, but from what I have observed and I am 1 of 3, the middle child has a tendency to feel lost... I would definitely seek some professional help. I am sure your son is just so confused, feels replaced and isn't sure where he fits in the picture anymore.. I see so many middle children act out so much more than their siblings. Out of the 3 of us, me and my sisters, my middle sister emotionally has had the hardest time... She really struggled when growing up, she has mentioned she wishes my parents would have sent her to a psychologist.. Your son may not speak too much to the the psychologist, but he/she will ask lots of questions and will just talk in order to have your son realize he is not alone... I would talk to his doctor and get a referral... Good luck and most importantly be sure you and your husband are always reassuring your love for him.. Maybe you each can take him on an outing without his siblings... Good luck..

Yes, you need help and so does he. I'ed see a doctor/counselor first. Does your family attend church regularily? That would help. He needs to learn what a miracle this baby is and also that as her big brother, it is his responsibility and previledge to help take care of her. There's 10 years between my son and my daughter, and they are the best of friends, and have been all their lives. Is he ever in charge of helping her learn to do something, like walk or talk? Maybe he just feels replaced and that he isn't important anymore. Did he resent he when she was a newborn, or did it come later. Maybe he was ignored a little too much when she came. After two boys, a girl can be really exciting, and maybe everyone overdid it a little. I'ed take him to a child psychicrist for a session or two. I know they are expensive, so maybe you could check out what the county mental health dept. has to offer.

Definitely your son feels he has been displaced and it is totally common. You need a lot of patience and communication and even probably some professional help. You need to get him involved with the baby so he can feel that he's part of the new transition rather than feeling replaced. I suggest to find books to help you manage the situation - every case is different.

I have seen that before, not my house because I have only two kids, but my big boy got very jelous with the baby. But I have seen that with a cousin and her three girls, the second one used to be great, happy and very very funny until the third one arrived.

Eventually they had to take her with a specialist to help them deal with the situation.

Personally I woul look for professional help. Sometimes we really need help from someone that knows and have seen this situations over and over again.

In the mean time, I would not tolerate anything ugly but take the chances and times when he does something good to make a big deal of it. The times when he is ok and around to make him feel very very loved, important and welcome. I would repeat time and again how much you love him and how nice is to have him around and how proud you are.

My son (and I) got a lot of help from his teachers telling him how great it was to have a baby in the house and that his sister loves him very much (all the time) I took the tip and I also tell him that his sister loves him all the time and make him notice when the baby smiles at him or because he is around.

I guess he needs reassurance and much much love.

Good luck, I hope this helps even if its a little bit.

Absolutely you can mention it to your pediatrician and ask for ideas. Also The Birth Order book is helpful for understanding. My three year old started doing the same things your 8 year old is doing (he'll be 4 soon) and was acting like a 2 year old. His younger brother is 18 months now. We caught him a year ago in the porta crib saying "I am the baby I am the baby" And the anger displays were baffling. The pediatrician helped sort this out with us and also gave us the name of a neurologist if the behavior didn't improve in the next few months. (He also said we could talk to our pastor as a first point of contact if we had more questions) On the way home I spent some one on one time with him at the grocery store and realized how much I'd just assumed he was learning just from being along with the siblings. Just a little alone with mom time really helped. Good luck!

I feel that you are correct and your son feels that he has been replaced he needs to talk with someone about this. One thing that you can do and it worked with my own kids is to have a special day with each child. Either you or your husband do this several times and do things that, that child likes to do. Movie, out to eat, play ground, what ever. Even if it is for just a few hours. Let that child know that they are special to you and important to the family. Good luck.

C., you may want to look into counceling and in the mean time you and your husband should do some one on one time with him. I had 4 kids and I always try to make a date with each one regularly even if its just going to get a icecream, this may help. I'm sure these things should help if you had no problems before the baby was born. We as parents forget what attention the kids were used to before baby arrived. A baby demands so much time, the time we use to spend with them, watching a show or playing a game. I remember my daughter being so understanding that she had to wait for that snack, she was good about it but I realized from some other things that she missed me being there totally for her. Good luck

Hi, my children are grown now. I had 3 children. My middle child was a boy also. He was an honor student as well. I can only tell you how it was when they were little. I will tell you that he did not like being a middle child either. But I really did not know how he felt until he started having children of his own. I know my daughter did not like being the oldest. But with my experience, I seem to have money when it was the oldest and youngest's birthday. When my middle childs birthday came along I was always broke. Every child is different. It did not help when the youngest got what he wanted from his father and grandmother. My other two children were left out. Which my two oldest was by a previous marriage. It was hard. About you and your husband. You guys need to cummucate with each other. Not angry words either. Remember it was just the two of you when you first got together and it will be the two of you when the children are grown. Do not let this tear the two of you apart. It is harder to raise the children on your own. I have been there and done that. Try commucating with you children on the matter as well. They are smart and you can learn from them. Children do not come with an instruction booklet, you learn as you go. I had a lot of ups and downs with mine. But would not change a thing. Good luck. Do Hope this helps you some.

Ok, I think this is job for Dad big time. Your son is definitely acting out but you guys just have to nip it in the bud before this new attitude takes hold. I would definitely pray for him. If you have a church home, you could get some help from your pastor or church leadership as well. But the main thing is putting a stop to it now and breaking the division that is trying to come into your home. I think Daddy taking him out alone and talking to him about what is going on in the family would be great. Also having Dad reassure him that no-one could ever take his place would be good as well. And maybe even giving him a job, explaining to him that he is now a big brother and with that come responsibilities, his baby sister needs him. I am so sorry that you are going through this, best wishes.