Seeking Advice Regarding Step-family Situation.

I normally would not suggest this (except her problems seems to go beyond normal teen angst), but IMO she needs to be forced into treatment. She is 14, her father can legally make her get help, and it is his responsibility to do so. This is the time in a young girls life where she typically sets out on 1 of 2 paths: self-destruction or self-discovery. Give her the tools and the healing she deserves so that she can make a life for herself later.
She will be resistant, but most people are. She is too young to be given up on or too have given up on herself. She needs in-patient help so that she can build a solid foundation for herself to live a healthy, productive life.

My Mother died when I was 13. It causes huge conflict in a child when they lose a parent. It caused huge conflict for me when my father remarried. I wanted my father to be happy, I wanted a mother figure desperately, but I also was angry, and sad, and a entire host of other roiling feelings.

All this to say....
Don't give up on you step daughter, nor your marriage. Speak with your husband about her, stress your concern *for* her. At 14 she cannot refuse treatment - oh, she can go to a therapist and just sit in their office and not speak, but, she cannot refuse medical exams. Document her behaviors, keep a journal, go to the doctor. It may be that something as simple as a mild anti-depressant would help her.

If she has a medical condition, and mental illness can be a genetic trait, then she needs diagnosis and treatment. My mother was manic-depressive - and so is my sister. My sister's illness is well managed now through medication and therapy and she is healthier now, at 48, than she has been in decades. But, don't wait that long with your step-daughter.

She is hurting, and by extension your whole family is hurting. You and husband need to take charge and break the cycle.

Good Luck and God Bless

You are pregnant and of course more sensitive and vulnerable than usual. Still you step daughter has displayed a cry for help. She is also in a bad position at age 14 with raging hormones and no mother to go to. She is not bonded to you. At best it takes three years to become a mother figure for a child not your own who knew their own mother.
You and your husband and your step-daughter and the other children are in desperate need of family counselling. Assigning blame is of no value here. If you cannot attend immediately send your husband and your step-daughter to begin with.
Yes, she will say some pretty harsh things in therapy. Just hear her out without criticism. You can say how it feels to you but do not afix blame or become angry with her in the therapy or she won't go.
You and your husband are in a very difficult situation since you barely know each other and you have a teenager in high rebellion.
Lots of the Mom's on this site have had tough times with their own birth children and stepchildren so don't feel you cannot get through this and come out a united and loving family of seven good people.

Any 14 year old has a lot of baggage that they are having to deal with but your stepdaughters' "baggage" is much much more complex than the normal teenager has to deal with. You cannot "ask" her if she wants help...she has GOT to have help...your entire family has to have professional help so that you can move foreward in your new life.
All of these things that she is doing are a cry for help...even the things that she did before your wedding and that things she is doing against you now are a cry for help...she misses her Mother...her heart is breaking and she sees YOU as trying to "replace" her Mother and it is scaring her. Maybe she feels like it would be somehow disloyal to her Mother and her memory if she is loving and accepting towards you.
I would suggest to you that you consider starting individual counseling for her...and then add family counseling for all of you. This is not something that is going to fix itself...it is just going to get worse. And you don't want to leave with your children and then watch from afar as your stepdaughter continues to fall apart.
What would you do if this were one of your biological children that was displaying this type of behavior? Let your Mothers' love guide you because that is what your stepdaughter needs.
God Bless You all

Hi M.
Try to remember that you are the adult and she is the child in this situation.
She is a victim of the trauma of her mother's death and seeking attention in a negative way.
Try to be loving and supportive as posssible and make sure your husband is stepping up to help his daughter. Talk to her in a kind manner,tell her you care about her,you want to help and she can depend on you.
Seek professional advise.
Wishing you the best of luck,it must be tough especially being pregnant!
All the best
B. k

Seeing that his daughter receives the medical and psychological care that she needs is her father's responsibility. I would insist that he do this now and tell him just how much having to deal with his daughter is affecting you. Tell him that you may have to leave for the sake of your own sanity and the well being of your children.

Perhaps he doesn't know where to start. I suggest making an appointment with a child psychiatrist for both of you to talk to without the daughter's presence. Ask for help in dealing with this situation.

This is a serious situation for every member of your combined families. Her behavior has to be dealt with NOW. And her father is the one who has to make sure it happens. She will further resent and mistreat you and your children if you're the one who tries to get the help. She wants attention from her father. He needs to give her more attention and this is one way to do so.

All I can say is my heart aches for your step daughter. If she were mine I would educate myself completely about what I can do to help her. I would be sure she knew AT ALL times I am on her side.

A child who goes through this kind of family trauma will need extra special help.

Good Luck.

:)

It sounds like your step daughter has a lot of issues and could really use some counseling. As a survivor of an eating disorder I know that when you are in the middle of it you are all about denial- you deny you have a problem, you hide, hide everything, you deny any and all feelings. She lost her mother and now you are replacing her and her father is happy and has forgotten all about her mother. How sad and terrible for her, and she has low self esteem, proabably hates herself, she is behaving in ways to continue this downward spiral! She needs help now. I would start with family counseling as an excuse to get her to go.. and then move on from there- try and get her father to be the one to do ALL the talking with her. she may say she hates him but no child hates their parent no matter what they say, she's feeling rejected.
None of this will be easy for you but once you work thru it it will be better for the whole family!

Your step-daughter's behaviors do not necessarily indicate mental illness, but she is obviously a troubled teen.

What kind of "help" are the two of you giving her? Is she getting the attention from her father that she craves?

Teenagers that age are VERY trying, and extremely irrational. However, your step-daughter needs lots of love and attention -- a lot of praise, endearments, hugs and kisses, even when she acts like she doesn't want them. She also needs to be involved in something -- a sport or theater or some activity.

In addition, check out the Big Sister organization.

Professional help may be necessary, but you should still be doing all of this in your own home.

You can make this work, but your (step) daughter and your husband need counseling together (which you will also need to participate in as well). How old was she when her mother passed away? How long did her dad wait to marry? It sounds like she is angry that her dad "replaced" her mother with you. While it's possible to "replace" a spouse, we all get only one biological mom and dad and when they die, there is no one else who really fills that void in the same way. The stress of adding a new baby to the family is probably making the behavior escalate.

Try to think ahead to 10 years from now, and imagine a stable young woman, a college graduate, who is happy in her family and grateful that you stuck it out through thick and thin and modeled what unconditional love and commitment mean. It's easy to pledge "for better or for worse" until the "or worse" comes and you then have to start weighing risks and benefits to all involved. Don't give up on your family, or on her. She's just a sad, angry kid who is still grieving her mother and taking it out in destructive ways. With therapy, and you and your husband on the same page with setting boundaries and loving discipline, you can have the family you envisioned. Best of luck to you, and congrats on the new baby!

I think you need to discuss with him the severity of her behaviors and ask him to at least get her counseling if not in-patient treatment. I'm surprised that after being in the hospital nothing was done.

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This is a seriously tough situation and the person that needs to address it is her father. He and his child went through a very hard time, and you mention how it has affected her, but you don't say ANYTHING about how it affected him and he and his daughter together.

There are a lot of questions - How is he dealing with this and with her? Have they been in counseling separately or together? How long ago did the mother pass away? How soon after that did you and your husband become involved? Puberty is tough as it is, but with all these other things mixed in, plus the addition of the possibility of mental illness, some serious steps have to be taken to get everyone on an even keel. Individual AND family would help a lot.

I wish you the best.

The fact that your step-daughter admitted that much (or all) of this behavior is attention-seeking for Daddy's behavior, I would take that very seriously. Her behavior is a symptom that something isn't working for her and she's begging, crying out for attention. Unfortunately she's figured out that bad behavior will get her faster attention that good behavior even if it's the wrong kind of attention.

She needs her Daddy, she needs to know he still loves her and that the new blending of families isn't a replacement of the old family. She needs to know that she's not being replaced by you, your children, or her new sibling that will be born any day. She and her Daddy should probably both attend counseling for the loss of her mother (as well as with her sibling). I would also suggest counseling for the entire family as a whole. You're all in this together, and I have a feeling that she feels very alone right now.

If you use a family psychiatrist who is also a licensed child psychiatrist, you can also have your husband request that she be evaluated in private sessions. In any case, she needs some serious therapy especially if she's engaging in self-harm.