My son, who will be 9 tomorrow, just started OT for sensory issues and is seeing a child psychologist for anger management and problems with disrespect. The OT is going well and he likes his therapists. However, he really dislikes the psychologist and has left both of our appointments in tears. I have very little experience with mental health professionals and one prior experience was negative so I am not sure what to make of this and wondering if his reaction is normal or if we should find another therapist. I know he needs some sort of help and don't plan to quit therapy altogether. The psychologist is calm, but also very direct and even antagonistic towards him. He supposedly has about 30 years of experience working with children. My son dreads the appointments (although we've only had two so far), starts the appointments angry, talks about the therapist negatively and leaves the appointment in tears. Is this a normal reaction and part of an adjustment period to therapy? Since it's only been two appointments do I just give it more time? Or is this a sign that we need a different therapist with a different approach? Thank you!
I should add that I have been sitting in on the sessions and actually have been asked to participate. It sounds like from the responses that isn't always typical. The psychologist hasn't done anything inappropriate, but he can be somewhat condescending. My son's tears are distressed tears, not anger. He doesn't get mad at the therapist or question his authority. He seems to feel bad. He starts the appointments angry, but leaves them sad. He seems to think he's been judged.
Wow. I received numerous responses with a wide range of opinions. I think it helped me formulate a plan. We have one appointment already scheduled so I will keep that one. My husband hasn't met the psychologist yet so I might see if we can arrange a meeting. For those of you who wondered about possible abuse, I have been sitting in on the appointments so I know there is nothing even close to abuse going on. It also makes it a little harder to have a private conversation with the psychologist so I may need to call him to talk about my son's reaction to him. I asked my son if he would rather I not sit in on the appointments and he was insistent that I stay. He seemed almost a little panicky that I would consider leaving him with the psychologist. I don't want to rush into changing therapists, but my gut tells me that my son and this particular therapist just aren't connecting and I may look for someone who can have a better rapport with him. I'm not sure I feel completely comfortable with him and if he were my therapist I might want a different one too. I may also look into the school psychologist option, but he's not really having significant problems at school and I didn't know if school psychologists were limited to that situation. He had some challenges at school last year, but nothing that made his teacher refer him to the school psychologist. For those of you who suggested dietary changes we are working on that at the suggestion of his occupational therapists. It isn't easy, but we are trying to significantly cut down on articial flavorings, sweeteners and colorings. Part of his OT involves his gag reflux and how his sensory issues affect his diet so that is all part of his current therapy. Thanks for helping me to look at this situation in a variety of ways!
Reflex integration therapy can support a child who has lots of anger; is very respectful and complements sensory integration very well. C.
The psychologist is probably doing the very thing that is not happening at home and is causing him to act out - holding him accountable. Don't expect them to baby him at therapy sessions Cindy... accountability will be a good thing as long as it is safe.
Ask him questions like, "Did he touch you?" "Can you explain what happened?" If he has no answers he may be trying to get out of following through with this important adult relationship.
I'd hang in there and let him know that if, after 3 months or so, he still isn't happy you will move him. Otherwise, he is most likely learning some big lessons from this doctor and will benefit regardless of the big feelings he may be having initially about his part in it.
Cindy,
I agree with the moms who suggested to talk to the therapist and sit in on a session (but don't participate.) There is a significant chance your son is playing on your sympathies and trying to get out of therapy because he doesn't like to be held accountable. Give it some time. This could very well be the tough love he needs.
I have been responsible for children in a daycare or babysitting capacity and did things as simple as take away a dangerous object (brought a switchblade to daycamp) or told them they weren't allowed to do something (throw heavy objects at other children) and they flipped out (bawled and threw tantrums) and went home to tell their parents how horrible I was and they couldn't bear to go back. There are two sides to every story.
If after sitting in on sessions and learning more about the therapist's strategy you are very uncomfortable, then it is time to look into a new therapist.
Good luck,
S.
Speaking as a person in that field I can tell you that it doesn't matter how many years experience a person has, sometimes there isn't a right fit. In our town there is a child psychologist who will use swear words with the kids because he thinks it will bring him down to their level since they do it anyway. He also has 25+ years of experience, and there's no way I'd let my child see him. It sounds as if these visitations are becoming more traumatic, however with only 2 visits it's hard to tell, especially with the issues that he is attending the sessions for. Your son might be reacting to being "called out" on his behavior by an adult. Not only can it be embarrasing for a child, it can also give the child the reaction of anger towards the person that is making him feel that way. If you don't already I would sit in on a session (in the back of the room where you go mostly unnoticed and the psychologist can focus on your son and vice versa) and see what it is your son is reacting to. Is it the language that the psychologist uses? His approach? Is he too forward with your son or is yor son being rebellous? It's very hard to tell after only two visits but if there is a problem then of course take your son to someone else. He's not going ot get any help if he doesn't feel comfortable with the person he's speaking to, and if this is an issue that is mearly about him defying authority then you might have to push through it until he realizes that the psychologist is there to help. If it's really not working out or getting wore by all means find another one. Good Luck.
When my husband started seeing a psychologist he was told that he WILL NOT like the guy, and will probably hate him and dread seeing him. They are trained to be "mean" or something. I told my doctor that the guy was mean and my doctor was shocked, because knowing him personally, he thought that the guy was so wonderful and kind.
There is a reason for their antagonism, and I'm sure it has to do with the type of people they have to deal with. Trust that he knows what he is doing. You could talk to him privately and make sure that he is aware of it, and then trust him.
We have had some issues with our son in the past, and for anger issues we've had great success with two things. Chiropractic care and a natural product called Chlorella, which we get at Mercola.com or Puritan's Pride.com. I cannot tell you just how much those things helped us. Even grades went from failing all classes to only failing one in one grading period!
One thing I did not see in any of the posts or your description--have you talked to the therapist to get his opinion on what is happening? The child may be leaving before the positive homework can be given. Do you have any ideas on what would make it a positive experience? I know your son has sensory issues--what is happening or what is in the office that is possibly setting him off? This is all related. (My son also has SI and his anger issues are not out of control right now, but he is sometimes explosive, so I know there is a close link between the two.)
Hope it helps.
Absolutely...run for the hills from this guy. Trust your son, it is not going well. I would not be leaving him alone with an adult tht makes him cry. We have an excellent Sensory issues therapist at Children's, my son is 11, looks forward to the appts, and loves loves loves this guy. He leaves happy and is having a good school year, thus far.
Find a new therapist. A child with issues already feels like a failure they do not need an adult with power making them cry and being paid for it.
I have experience with many different types of therapist. Some for myself, my marriage my kids. There should be a trust between your child and Dr. Do you sit in the sessions?
By your own information this Dr. is antagonistic to your child. That is never acceptable. Trueth may not be easy to take but no one should speak down to someone they are trying to help.
Dr. Woodward is a great one. It has been many yrs since we used her, hopefully she is still around. She listened to me, supported my thoughts feelings and ideas as his mother. Coached me on what was going on and how best to handle things through daily life.
Good luck and always remember- You are his mother. Your gut instinct always trumps Drs. schooling.
Hi Cindy,
My first reaction as a parent and as a child who went to therapy - find a new therapist. Therapy should be beneficial to him and finding the right therapist is like any of finding a good fit in a doctor. It's a relationship that needs to exist and thrive and for your son's well-being you'll have to help determine if that relationship is what it needs to be. Based on what you are saying he's reacting to the therapist negatively and not the therapy, which is a huge difference and should be part of your consideration should you decide to find a new therapist. I know from personal experience that it makes all the difference in the world to have a positive relationship with your therapist. I wish you and your son well!
No matter what age you are, it's really important to find the right fit for a therapist. Any good one will tell you that. I would get a new one for your son right away, it sounds like it's not working out- he might be right for other children but not yours. It's normal to find that some are a better fit than others, but you shouldn't stay with him if you've figured that out. Don't feel guilty about switching either- advocate for yourself, just say it's not working out and get another reference from somewhere else.
Hi Cindy-
As a clincally trained but not practiced psychologist, I agree with Beth. Often times children do not like when the truth is told to them. But what I don't like about your post is that your child is leaving in tears. Every session should end positively with a "homework" assignment as to things they are to work towards to change.
Good luck! I would approach this with the current therapist and see if anything changes. It may just be laying the ground work right now and changes in the short term furture. I personally would talk with the therapist and let him/her know of my concerns and give it another couple of appointments rather then starting from scratch again.
You can look at this two ways. One, your child's therapy will not work if he doesn't like his therapist. Two, your child is old enough to realize that not everyone is nice and fuzzy and some people are forthright and to the point and guess what, you have to deal with them frequently and there is something refreshing to not sugar coating everything. I don't know if your son is able to understand the latter. Personally, I would go with the former but it is up to you to decide when your child needs to learn to stick with something even though it isn't fun. You could also discuss with the therapist that your kid dislikes him and see if that is normal (a lot of people, children included, don't like the idea that they need therapy) and if he would recommend sticking it out or getting a referral to someone with a personality suitable for your child.
I don't have much experience with the child psychology issue, but I just wanted to encourage you to continue the OT (I'm a pediatric PT who works with OT's doing the sensory "stuff")--it sounds like he likes that, so that is good news. Perhaps give the psychologist a couple more sessions and then reconsider. Or if the OT knows this person better, maybe she has some insight?? Hang in there--we have seen patients make GREAT progress with the OT (even some who have been on medication that were able to decrease their meds)--Obviously every situation is unique--good luck and hang in there!
The first thing I would do is call the psychologist and talk to him about your concerns, to find out his plan. If it seems that this is not working, I would definitely find a new one. Good luck.
Hello,
I work with children,parents,schools etc. in the mental health areas. I am a remedial provider which goes into the home and works with skill development. (Coping, anger management,etc) Have you been going into the appointments with your son? If so, do you see any thing that seems off base? The reason I am asking these questions is to see if your son is manipulating you or if your son truly has a point? If you are going into the appointments and see that the psychologist is saying and doing the right things then I would say that your son needs to hang in there, but if you think that the psychologist is wrong, then I would maybe consider looking into a different doctor. When I meet a child I work on building on a positive relationship with the client so that they understand that I am truly out to help them, then as time goes on I will then start to confront them and challenge them to make better decisions, some times they don't like what I have to say but they usually will end the session understanding that we will disagree but that it is ok to disagree, as long as we are respectful. Be careful that your child is not playing you, children have a great ability to do this. One last point talk the the psychologist about your concerns, maybe there is a reason behind all of this. Open communication is very important. Feel free to contact me if you have any other questions, I will try to help!! Good Luck.
That seems odd to me, My daughter has seen a child psychologist and a therapist in the past and although she doesn't like to go because she get's upset that the "truth" or her "naughty behaviors" are coming out of the closet she does actually enjoy going and playing with the toys.
I would ask the child psychologist about this get a feel for his opinion and prehaps try it a bit more and if it's still horrible find a new child psychologist. Maybe your son just doens't like the advise or the subjects they're talking about.
My sister went to a psychiatrist many years ago. She cried when she had to go, so my parents switched her to a new person. She was fine with seeing the new person. A few years later the psychiatrist she didn't like was in the news - he had murdered his family and then killed himself. I learned from that to always listen to my kids.
Cindy
I think your son has had a bad start with this psychologist and that will make it really difficult to come back from positively. They really need to start off good for it to work in my opinion. We had several issues with my oldest son, now 12, for some time. He was in counseling and it really helped alot. I never thought from the boy he was at 6 years old that he would turn into the well adjusted, calm, friendly, not angry boy he is today. His therapists name was Mary Johnson and we owe so much to her. She is really amazing. She is at the family enrichment center. ###-###-#### I hope this helps and good luck with your son!
J.
I would look for someone else. Your son needs to feel that this person is HELPING him (which is why he's going, right?). And he's not going to feel helped if he dreads each appointment and leaves in tears. He has to have a good relationshp with his the therapist or he's not going to feel like it's working.
I have a son who has ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). We go to a psychiatrist who sees us both at the same time. When he was going through counceling he went alone with the councelor for first portion then they called me in. He liked that councelor because he talked to him on his level. We also tried an in-home family councelor who did talk to the whole family and how we deal with him. My son resented him and got angry when he pointed out how he needed to be responsible for himself and how he was affecting his family. Find out if the worker is doing anything to help him or just antagonizing. Give it a little time but if there is no improvement your child isn't ready to deal with it. I saw improvement w/ my son after a couple months. No harm in trying a different councelor for a second opinion or different approach. YOu can always go back to the first if he/she is better.
"Antagonistic" and "condescending"?? Get a new therapist!!
I would change therapist. Your son needs to feel that his therapist is his partner in concuring his issues not his enemy. Another way to think about it is that for therapy to work you have to open yourself up to the therapy and the therapist. So you need to ask yourself, would you open yourself up so someone who made you feel bad about yourself?
By the way, plenty of people work for 30 or more years in professions they are not suited for, and in a profession like Therapist it's not like you have a boss that reviews your work.
I have been having similar problems with my developmental pediatrician who doesn't even believe in sensory integration and have been in tears every time we meet! A lot of the pediatricians in this area do not believe in sensory integration and are very misinformed to it's uses and benefits. The schoool has done a wonderful job determining that this is his issue and then to have his physician totally dismiss it is extremely frustrating!
I would demand to see another psychologist from that facility or find someone privately and insist your insurance cover them just the same. You're not going to get any positive results from the therapy so it's best to find someone else or quit going to them all together. You have the right to another 'opinion' and don't have to put up with that attitude. I'm on the verge of leaving our peds guy for the same reasons..........you wonder why they're even in this area if they are so cold and harsh, especially with kids that have special needs of some kind!
A child who is going to benefit from therapy needs to make a connection to the therapist. The truth does hurt and often tears are shed (personal experience) overall he should feel good about the session. If you feel you can talk to with the therapist give that a shot before changing, otherwise dont hesitate to try someone new!
The idea of counceling is to give the person an outlet for his feelings with a third party who can listen and suggest problem solving solutions. My daughter was 16 when she started rebelling and I took her to a pyschologist for help. She spoke to my daughter for maybe a half hour or so and then called my husband and me in. She asked my daughter somethings, asked me somethings and when my daughter was surprised that I knew her that well she said "how does that make you feel?" After a few more pointless questions, she turned to me and said "Cassie has some childhood depression, I want to put her on antidepresents" My daughter wasn't depressed and anyone who knew her could see that she was just rebelling. I told this to the pyschologist and she argued with me about it. Finally she told me "go home and look up the symptoms of childhood depression and tell me she doesn't have that." I went home and printed out the childhood depression symptoms and also printed out the signs of rebellion. I took them back to the pyscologist and said "there.. she is rebelling, that fits her behavior much more then the depression" I never took my daughter back after that.
My youngest son on the other hand, had a councelor when he was going through somethings who was great and helpful both for him and my husband and me. It was positive and my son missed her when his therepy ended. That is what it should be. You need to find someone else who can help your son and not make him leave in tears.
From your description it sounds like the child psychologist is doing this right because he is actually giving you family therapy. Unless your son is needing to be seen for a specific trauma, he should be seen along with his parent(s) so they may receive parent-coaching. Receiving parent-coaching is nothing to be ashamed of, it is just simply you as the parent(s) learning how to help your son cope with the the reality of his situation and the changes he must learn to make so he can live peacefully with his family. Your son is getting in touch with his feelings, the tears are proof of that. Having feelings, even negative ones toward the psychologist, are the ways in which your son is showing that he trusts this therapist. You may feel that the psychologist is being condescending towards you, but don't get defensive; he's been in the business for 30 years which is one clue that he is only trying to help. Quitting him and moving on to a different child psychologist because you don't like his bedside manner will slow down your son's progress. Moving on to a completely different child psychologist is just going to disrupt the trust your son, as angry as he is at his current therapist, has in the current one. I say don't sweat the small stuff and let this psychologist get to the root(s) of the problem with your son and work alongside him so your son can have a successful future. It is perfectly normal to get angry, or very upset at one's therapist because they are telling us the stuff we are too scared to tell ourselves. You may find relief in reading The Kazdin Method by Alan Kazdin. I wish you luck. Therapy is tough because it really does hit all the nerves if you know what I mean. That's just my two cents, and I know my advice isn't often what people are looking to hear. Then again, I could be wrong and you might want another one. Good luck, hope you find the help you're seeking.
Hello, Cindy! I'm no expert when it comes to choosing a child psychologist, but I felt compelled to respond. I feel bad for you and your child and would like to help, if I can. You don't really give a whole lot of background, and there are some pieces of information missing, so it's difficult to pinpoint the problem exactly. Why do you feel your son has issues? Was he referred by another professional? Being a mother myself, I know that we recognize how our children will be from the time they're babies. Has he always had behavior issues?
Also, how is he coping with your husband's long absences? Have you noticed the behavior increasing or decreasing around the time your husband started his job? These are some important things to consider when you decide your child may need professional help. As any parent out there will tell you, there are times when our angels will get out of hand and can usually be contributed to growing up and trying to gain independence.
Also, you don't say what your disciplinary style is. Are you a permissive parent? Do you usually give in to the demands of your children, maybe just to keep the peace? Sometimes a child will try to handle an outside issue the way he would at home. Is he disrespectful to you?
The psychologist seems to be competent in his dealings with your son. Perhaps you view him negatively because you don't treat or talk to your son the way he does. Again, you don't provide enough information for us to relate to the situation.
In any case, you must do what you think is best as his parent, and if you don't feel comfortable with the doctor, by all means, find someone else. I suggest taking your son with you to your own psychologist, if you have one, to rationally discuss any fears you may have with a professional who can advise you further on this situation. This may allay your son's fears about psychologists in general, and your doctor may help you recognize your own fears or misconceptions about your son, his doctor, and your son's treatment and behavior. Good luck and keep us posted.
Hey Cindy. My son saw a skin dr at a local clinic who he hated. At first I thought it was just because of having to see the dr. Then I watched more closely and saw how rough he was with my son and listened to him talk to my son in a not so nice tone. I won't go into details be each visit seemed to get worse. Years later we drive by this clinic and my son will still say "That's where the naughty Dr works". His nurse left her position and started at another clinic. When I ran into her she said she left because of the way he treated children, especially when the parents were not watching. Well, maybe your son does not like this person for a good reason or not, I have learned that you should ask them to refer you to another person who might have a better connection with him. You can tell your son you do not know why he is negative with this psychologist but will respect his feelings and try with someone new. Maybe just seeing you giving him this choice of a change will give him a better attitude about the whole situation. It could give him a feeling of some control over the situation and support from you. Good luck.
I would find another psychologist. You really don't want him scarred by the experience as it is meant to be helpful...
Are you aware that a diet such as the Feingold Diet might help your son instead of therapy (http://fgshop.org/)
Good luck?
I would deffinitly give it a little more time. It takes time, however I would talk to the pyschologist and explain your concerns, if after talking to him you still feel uncomfortable, try someone else. Otherwise give it a few more appointments, if there is no progress, look for someone else.
Hey Cindy,
I would call or visit in person with the therapist without your son in ear shot and ask the therapist about this and see what they say. It could be that your son is just rebelling over the whole issue of going. I would definitely talk about your concerns with the therapist first before making any judgement on seeking out another therapist right away.
Good Luck,
D.
PS: Have you considered seeing the school psychologist? That is free of charge!
I have never heard of a person being that upset after 1 or 2 appointments with a new therapist. I would not send my child again to that therapist alone, until thoroughly checking it out myself. Or, trust his instinct... something may be wrong... and he needs to see a different therapist he can relate to... and can really help him. Good luck.
