I Let Them Go

Hi mom-

First of all...HUGE hugs to you and your kiddos....................................................................

......Now...

A few realities...

Child support

AND

Visitation

are two very separate things.

If there is a court order for child support...he will be expected to pay.

If there is a court order for visitation...he will be expected to comply.

If he does one...the other is still expected...and vice versa...

One is not dependent on the other.

I am sorry he is being a prick (sorry...no other way to word it in my mind...based on my experience)....

BUT...my recommendation is to file...in court...and let a judge decide.

But even courts can not fix a "HUGE ERECTION" of a dad....

they can help him with support though...sometimes....

Best Luck!
michele/cat

If I'm reading your question right -- and there isnt' really a question in the post that I can find -- he is NOT currently under any court order to pay you child support in a certain amount at certain times?

If that's the case, please, get a lawyer and get to court. Get a court-ordered child support payment schedule. Don't let HIM be the one to drive it out of his anger. If you are raising his kids, he owes you support. And if it's not iin writing and enforceable by law, you are losing out. Same goes for visitation rights -- if he says he wants to see his kids, you need it all scheduled and laid out in writing. This also obligates you to let the kids go to him when it's his time, but it also means that if he has a written visitation schedule, and he repeatedly blows it, fails to turn up, etc., you will have that as evidence that he is not a good parent. If he tries anything regarding custody, you can use his failures to take his court-ordered vistitation against him.

You DO have legally ordered custody arrangements - I hope?

If nothing here is formalized, get a lawyer and get it formalized or your ex can jerk you around forever.

Honestly, it sounds like you are speaking out of anger. He is their father and HOPEFULLY he comes around. They need their father.

However, what an idiot. He doesn't have to go to court to pay child support and dare he show up in court to have the judge tell him to pay support, I am positive he will be admonished!

Just because court orders state he is allowed x amount of days, doesn't mean you have to share that with the boys until he actually shows up. When he shows up, it is a bonus.

We have to do that all the time with our daughter. She like all kids gets so excited when someone is coming to visit or we have plans, yet so disappointed when it doesn't happen. We try to tell her very little and surprise her when the time comes.

Best wishes.

Not related to divorce because I’m not, I usually don’t tell my kids until last minute when we’re doing something fun when someone else is involved unless I’m 100% in control so to not disappoint them if it doesn’t happen.
With this what I mean is that when dad wants to take them somewhere, have them ready but don’t tell them (as much as possible) until he picks them up so that they don’t feel upset and tell them dad had an emergency or something like that if he doesn’t show. This is not to get dad off the hook, but to make sure they don’t feel rejected or sad.
Good luck to you!

Do the child support through the courts. He will get court ordered visitation but that doesn't mean he has to take them just that it is his weekend/days etc. Just like you offer him now. But knowing for sure that your support will be coming each month will give you more peace of mind for your bill paying and things you need for the kids. And you may be pleasantly surprised at what his amount monthly will be. Men always think it will be cheaper to just take the kids (which cost more) or to go to court and tell the judge they can't afford what your asking. Judge won't care the amount will be based on ex's paycheck. So no choice for him.

Hi mom,
I'm sorry the kids dad didnt pick them up. My kids dad used to do that too. Men are stupid and in my case he was putting another woman before our kids. As soon as she was out of the picture, he was back in their lives, saying how sorry he was.
You need to get the child support amount taken care of through the courts and taken out of his paycheck so you dont have to deal with him handing you a check.
Sounds like you also need to get the child custody orders figured out.
Do you have a lawyer? WE had to go to mediation for the child custody. REquired by our state.
Child support was offered to me in a certain amount for temperary orders till we could get to court. You should have a calculator on your states website.
good luck

Men sometimes just don't get it. There are plenty of amazing dads out there but some are just self centered morons. But don't let him off the hook financially (unless you are independently wealthy) b/c your kids need that support as do you. But if he doesn't see what he's missing out on that is HIS problem. Just provide the best environment you can for your kids and go from there. I will tell you one little secret - my dad was not really involved (parents were married but he was mentally checked out) in my life and my sisters lives. Once we got older and had our own kids we (especially me) have not involved him because we REMEMBER what he was like when WE were little. Now every single day he regrets his actions - but its too late! you can't go back and fix that. If your husband is choosing that path that is his choice. You may want to say to him "hey you aren't punishing me by not being with the kids. you are punishing them and they will remember this their entire lives. if you are ok with them knowing you as the distant dad then go right ahead!!'. Maybe that might resonate with him, maybe not. Either way you did your best. I think sometimes guys think they are hurting YOU by doing things like this but they are not. Don't let his negative energy bring you down. You have to live your life and support your kids as best you can.

Why do you say that going to court will give him more rights? Have you talked with an attorney? Visitation and child support are 2 separate unrelated things.

These are his children and it's his legal obligation to pay for their support.

You can't force him to be a dad. The bottom line is he has moved on and wants to be with his new family.

unfortunately some never get it ( that isn't geared just for dads... I have seen some pretty crappy moms also)

Let him go to court and let them put the price on the child support... that way he can't change his mind later on if he wants to pay it or not. It may be lower than what your asking... it might be higher. Either way it should be fair.

It does suck when they have x,y,z rights and never live up to them. But I wouldn't tell your boys what extra rights he gets so they aren't disappointed if he doesn't live up them. My guess is that even after going to court not much will change even if the rights gets changed. Usually just because they start child support doesn't mean they are changing the rights... that would be an entirely different court hearing.

Good luck and keep your chin up. Trust me I know its hard! My 3 boys dad lives 2 blocks away and hasn't had any contact with my oldest for 5 years now...

BTW good job for atleast saying they could go! Atleast you are showing your boys your trying to let them see their dad!