Young Separated Dad Wants to Know: What Can I Do to Support My Kid's Mother
Updated on
September 27, 2014
M.S.
asks from
Scottown, OH
15
answers
A long time ago in a galaxy far away, I was 19 and dating this woman who was 27. She was really lovely but just as our relationship was winding down and I was beginning to understand I had no idea at 19 what a 27 year old woman is thinking, she got pregnant.
I was in my first year of university studying Philosophy. I switched to Economics, got some jobs and joined the Army Reserves to toughen up. Fatherhood is the biggest demand that has ever been placed on me. I realized I had to figure out fast how to be able to earn enough income to provide opportunities (comparable to those I'd just blown) for my son.
I'm not going to lie. I was totally terrified. At 19, you don't know that you can live through stuff, you know? My folks were telling me to stay in school. They took the girl in and took care of her while she got her bearings.
Eventually she decided there was nothing at home for her and she moved to the opposite end of the country with my little boy. I gave her thumbs up, bought her a laptop with a webcam, sent cash and told her to stay in touch.
8 years later, I'm a man now and she's probably a different person. About a year and a half ago, she stopped calling or allowing webcam chats with my little boy (who loves dinosaurs). Without contact or access, I started to wilt a bit. I'm on the other end of 8 years of education and career development designed around being a dad and without my son, there's not a lot else about my life that I would have chosen. I kept e-mailing her and asking for phonecalls or webcam chats but she increasingly gave me the cold shoulder.
I'm poor between the student loans and child support payments - I couldn't afford to take a plane out there. Moreover, I was afraid that if I did without her invitation I'd be risking a confrontation that could be ugly.
Over time, I grew desperate to see my boy. I threatened to reduce or stop paying child support. Then I did. I reduced it. Then I cut it off.
That was dumb. The thing is, child support is not transactional. It's something you have to pay out to your son because it's what you owe him. It's a duty to your child and has nothing to do with the mom.
Eventually the mom prevailed on me to pay again. I paid retroactively too. She didn't feel it was enough, so she had Family Services contact me for income statements. I sent my stuff along and talked to the worker. It turns out I was paying a bit more than I needed to. Still, we drafted a support agreement and the support worker sent it to me to sign.
I asked the support worker if we could include a clause whereby I would pay the amount required in any case, but with a guarantee of contact, I would pay more. She reminded me that child support is not transactional. You can't pay for access. As a dad, you have a right to it, but it's unenforceable. If it's what your child's mother wants, estrangement from your child is inevitable.
Imagine the grief that comes with that: there is an immense sense of loss. You begin to wonder, "what am I going to work for?"
The more I read and think about it, I'm pretty convinced that the mother of my child doesn't owe me anything. I'm not entirely convinced either that having contact with a father that loves them is absolutely essential to a child's wellbeing. It's a lot for me to say that because I really want it to be true that my presence in his life is extremely important. His presence in mine sure is. I just can't convince myself that he won't be just fine without me. I know plenty of guys who came out of single-mom households, were utterly estranged and alienated from their fathers and yet seemed fine or even better than fine.
There is however, the matter of the financial resources a father provides. That is absolutely without a doubt both mandatory and beneficial to the child. The catch 22 is that a father who loves his children and is forcibly estranged from them is psychologically mutilated and demoralized. It makes it harder to work and earn the income that becomes child support. Estrangement eats at you. It's like you walk around with a huge hole in you: all the petty blows of day-to-day life dent you more than they would otherwise because you're hollow and you cave more easily. It's like ordinary life, but with the gravity turned way up. It's harder to get out of bed, commute to work, survive the politics and crank out the awesome stuff your boss wants. You kind of zombie-out. You can compartmentalize, but you know what else was compartmentalized? The Titanic. After a year and a half, I'm sort of where the Titanic was just before it split in half and sank to the bottom: stern up in the air, bow under water and the band playing.
I don't know what to do. She's moved so I don't have her phone number. I've talked to her family. I've talked to the Family support worker. It feels kind of like drowning with everybody watching. I think they want to help but there's just not a lot they can do. They say, "just move on with your life and save for his education." I get more schadenfreude than sympathy. The wholesale destruction of my 20's is actually pretty funny the same way we laugh when we see somebody get kicked in the nuts. Even among those who don't find it funny, there's just not much sympathy about it. I'm getting my just desserts for the same thing all my peers were doing in our late teenage years. Should've been abstinent until marriage I guess.
I'm also sure that the mother of my child is doing this for other reasons than to burn me. It's easy to get carried away thinking she just hates me and wants me to suffer. Probably the truth is more like she doesn't want to have much to do with an ex-boyfriend from 8 years ago. Moreover, she doesn't see what it does to me and she doesn't want to look. People are cruel to folks they can't see.
It's definitely like drowning in a public pool. Folks just got other things going on and there's so much noise and activity that they're not incline to take your calls for help too seriously. Yet despite all of it, I'll live through it. If you can't walk with heart uplifted, you can always crawl along on your stomach.
But what do you moms think? Am I out of line for wanting contact with my son? Am I being a wussy? Is the expectation that I'm supposed to just be like, "no big deal" and keep up a difficult life for a family whose forsaken me? Why can't support payments beyond the amounts the state requires you to pay buy access?
What could I do to show the mother of my child that I could provide even greater support if she allowed me to have our child in my life?
AKMom: I retained a lawyer once and it cost me $300 for two hours to get educated about the parameters of my rights and options. That's about 80% of a monthly child support cheque. I understand that there's free legal aid as well, but from what I've learned, the likelihood of me securing access through the courts is slim. Moreover, an order for access is pretty unenforceable. There are just so many ways that she can deny me that access even when the courts have granted it. I've already had experiences years ago with making plans with her to visit the boy, making the trip (when she was still in this part of the country) and arriving to find that she had decided to go on holidays instead.
Some additional context: I'm now 27 myself. I graduated undergrad 4 years ago and into the maw of the recession. Between child support and student loans, there's really no money to pay to court. Besides, if there was, it would be going to his education fund.
As I see it, the courts and the law do what they can to put the rights and interests of the child first. I don't really believe a father has rights over those of the child or the mother and as far as I can tell, the courts agree. There are so many communities of angry men online who feel like the courts are unfair to them. They are. But the fundamental biological reality of it is that when a woman has a child and her body spends 9 months creating a life and months after recuperating with that baby in their arms, two things arise: 1) A tired mom without much resources beyond those the child is consuming for the father (the father has to get behind her and support her) and 2) A child with an incredibly strong and intimate bond to the mother who has been cradling and nursing it. Finally, forcing a mother or child into granting access to a father is difficult or impossible to do without it being evil or draconian. On the other hand, it's really easy for the government to make somebody pay up (that's pretty much what governments are good at).
So here I am. The prospect of getting access by any means other than the mother's willing permission to do so is pretty unlikely.
I should also mention - I am in Canada, not Ohio.
So again: the nub of my question is, "how can I appeal to the mother of my child that granting me contact/access would be good for her and for our son?"
--------
B: Going to court for custody is always a possibility, it only drastically reduces the resources available to my boy. In the end, you have to try to imagine what your boy would pay to have you in his life. While no doubt he would have some benefit, in the end, it will be easy for him as he comes of age to find me via social media and for me to find him. By then he'll be able to choose if he wants to live with me or not (4 more years). Court will cost me tens of thousands of dollars - basically any tuition amounts I might be able to save for him. For me to go to court over custody now would be selfish and impractical.
There is no doubt about the law: child support is mandatory. Certainly some threshold amount should be. Yet the system clearly is failing here. Estranging a child from its father does massive harm to gather financial resources for the child. Separated fathers are six times more likely to commit suicide than other men. It's a fair assumption that sad saps (even sad saps putting a brave face on things) don't make as much as happy people. The net effect is that the financial resources available to the child are reduced. Ideally there would be a tiered system where minimum amounts of support per income level are mandatory even when there is no access and high amounts are awarded when there is some access. In lieu of that, I'm forced to negotiate with the family support office to reduce the support amounts they want me to pay down to the lowest amount possible in hopes that the mother will reach out and engage me if she wants more.
B and OnePerfectOne, you guys nailed me.
OnePerfectOne, I only got one bone to pick with you: you might think it's easier to write a child support cheque than be a single parent, but I'm telling you I'd switch roles with her in a heartbeat. I've done all the stuff they say is supposed to make you feel like a man, but putting kids to bed at the end of the day is actually the only thing that ever did that for me so far. I bet you'd find most guys would say the same thing. The trouble with child support amounts is that they're always too much for the payer and always too little for the payee. Also, I met single moms in the army who had kids at 18, earned masters degrees by their mid-twenties and could shoot better and do way more chinups than me. I wouldn't be as awesome at it as they were, but I can see that it's doable and deeply rewarding.
WHAT I'M DOING
I called a lawyer this morning and I'm going to see what I can do about getting a contact agreement. Mel R., I am totally going to bid them all the way down on the monthly child support amount so that I have more money to get contact and save for education amounts. I promise you this, though: once I get the quote for the legal fees I'll offer to pay her that amount instead if she'll just grant me contact. I can see why you'd be worried that I'd just call her and harass her all the time. I've been bitter but I'm done. I just don't want to be more of a fuckup than I have to be.
OnePerfectOne, note that if I pay legal fees for contact, I'm still paying for visitation. I't just likely more expensive than it has to be. Also, 18 years is not the length of time I'm going to be in my son's life - that's only the minimum length of time I'll legally owe him support. Hell, half the reason you oughta be a good dad is pure self-interest and aiming to take care you don't end up like the pop in Johnny Cash's "Boy Named Sue" song. When I'm old and frail, I want that young and strong boy to be believing I did right by him and, to be honest, he looks like he might be smarter than me. II don't think, at any rate, that I can pull any swift tricks by him or his mom that won't be utterly transparent to him by the time he's 30 and well and able to kick my ass.
Mel R, "Your presence and influence in his life are without price -- aren't they?" The only person who can accurately answer that question will be my boy when he's 30. I've heard men come out on both sides of that question. If your mum just really doesn't like your dad but he's all up in her face trying to get access in a way that really distresses her, you might well wish he'd just bugger the hell off. I might use the legal process to nudge the mom of my child, but if it can't work out that I can be a positive force in her life, then I might have to bow out or risk getting my nose and dentures busted by my angry boy 22 years from now. See what I mean?
All of you who said I was being a big whiner - you're right. I needed the punch in the arm. Thanks
All of you who gave me encouragement - thanks.
Also, I got married last summer. I'm definitely going to have more kids. You folks can debate among yourselves whether or not you think that's a good thing hahahhaha
Oh yeah, one last thing: yes the kid is mine. I was dumb though and waited way too long to get a paternity test. I only did it when he was 4 and by that point, it wouldn't have mattered legally in any case: I'd have still been on the hook. It cost me $500 too! I'm not sure by that point that it was worth it. I'm not even sure how reliable it is. I mean the guy at the office was real trustworthy-like, but if I were him and I had results that were inconclusive or if I had just the slightest amount of doubt, I'd be putting "test positive" down all the time so more kids would have a man who had to fork up cash for them. Wouldn't you? Anyway, he looks like me. He talks on and on - or he did a year and a half ago. In a more recent e-mail, his mom told me he came home after a big argument with a girl at school and got all weepy in his momma's saying, "Mom! I don't know if I'm a good person anymore!" So he's me hahhaha. He's definitely got some major improvements on the older model, though.
Even though I don't have contact with him, I do get info about him. It's creepy how easy that is to do. But folks tell me what he's up to and I get the pics I need. I sure am proud as hell about him.
I tell you what, I'd do it all again.
TalkStones: From all accounts, the mother of my child isn't alienating me from the boy. She's not telling him I'm evil or criticizing me in front of him. Everyone in the town she lives in is telling me this and it's been consistent with how things have been in years past. Things have been difficult between me and her and, yeah, I sometimes think that with another woman we'd have been able to have pulled together more easily. As it is, my poor girl had been through some brutal years by the time I came around to her and she required a good deal of mending. The pregnancy ripped her all up again and it was too bad. But she's got the love of another fine young fellow now and I think she's back to kicking ass and taking names. The only problem is that now, for her, I'm just this ex-boyfriend from 8 years ago and she's got way better things to be doing than talking to me. She wants to just move on with her life, I think. To be fair, the only way I'm going to be part of her new life is as a positive force. I'm sure that if I am that and I push through the courts and keep entreating her the whole time to deal with me out of them, she'll come around. She's a pretty awesome woman at the end of the day. I'm lucky to have met her and to have won her heart for a while. I'm hoping she can see me as the father of her child, and not somebody who is her lover or isn't anything at all.
More Answers
E.A.
answers from
Erie
on
I'm not sure why some of these women are coming down so hard on you. You sound sincere in your wish to be a part of your son's life, you did everything everyone told you to do. You hoped for a consistent and supported relationship with your son, and his mother chose to alienate him from you. You have been paying extra child support because you wanted him to have it, you went to school and are embarking on a career in order to continue to support your son. And now you want to decrease the amount of child support to only what is legally required in order to hopefully pull her and your son out of "hiding", assuming she would want to talk to you about this change in support. It seems you tried everything else to contact your son, it seems you don't have much of a choice, so I say go for it. And keep pushing her family to help you.
My father refused to be in my life, or provide regular support, for 10 years and it almost ruined my life. I would have given anything for a father like you, even a distant one.
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O.O.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
ETA#2 after your SWH: if you thinks writing a check I've per month is not exponentially easier than 24/7/365 care of a child? You really don't have a clue about parenthood and what it involves.
I have a question for you, "Fred": how long did you live on close physical proximity to this boy? A month? A year?
ETA: B. -exactly!
You're not a "separated father" and you're not " young" now. You know there are 19 year old dads who bust hump and provide for wife/kids, right?
You've had ample opportunities that many haven't.
Pay the piper.
You want to see your son? Earn it!
Original:
Let me break it down for you:
You made a human being. (Age, circumstances don't matter.)
You must support that human being for 18 years.
You've got 10 to go.
Get another job to earn more money.
It's called "you gotta pay to play."
You cannot "buy" visitation. Nor do you seem wiling to locate closer to thus child to obtain it.
I don't see you as a "dad" at all. You know that your 8 year old loves dinosaurs? Maybe 4 years ago...
Do you have ANY understanding of what your "girlfriend" has been through being a single parent? You don't see that writing a monthly check is about a zillion times easier?
Maybe you should work in sales, because your mouth runneth over. Sorry, not joining this big ol' pity party for you.
Because--(wait for it...) it's not about YOU.
Bottom line: Pay what you're obligated to pay. Change YOUR circumstances to better your financial situation and/or visiting opportunity.
Do you really think you can "be a father" via Skype?
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M.R.
answers from
Washington DC
on
You should have enough education to know that only by involving a court will you get the access to your child that you say you want. If you want that access as badly as you say, the only answer is to pursue a court-ordered custody agreement and visitation schedule.
Your post is a long and very eloquently written vent, but won't get you one inch closer to your child unless you take action beyond writing out your frustrations.
If this whole post is for real, it's very telling that buried at the end, you say that you will try to "pay down to the lowest amount possible in hopes that the mother will reach out and engage me if she wants more." Do you see how that sounds, to those of us outside your case, as if you fully intend to manipulate child support money to get the mother to come after you for more -- so you can finally get that phone number of hers that you don't have? And having that, you'll do what-- call your son, threaten mom with continuing minimal support if she doesn't let you see son? What, exactly?
If you're for real, then please suck up the venting about the statistics on separated fathers and financial resources and how you're worried about college funds and so on, and get an attorney rather than figuring out how to manipulate things to get the mom to come after you.
You make a big argument for how going to court will "reduce the resources" for your child and eat up his college fund. If you truly believed it was vital to be in his life, you would worry about that fund only after you settled custody and visitation legally. Your presence and influence in his life are without price -- aren't they?
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D.D.
answers from
New York
on
So basically a lot of changed in the 8 yrs as you've grown up and accepted responsibility but you are kind of stuck because you let your child's mom move far away and depended on her to let you have a video chat relationship with your son. The solution is that you stop whining, put on your big boy pants and go to court to get a judge to write up a visitation agreement that will spell everything out. Video chats, phone calls, etc all in writing.
I'm not quite understanding the student loans part since you said you got a couple jobs and are in the reserves. Education is Canada is much cheaper than in the US (many students move to Canada for their education for this reason alone) so I can't figure out how you have high student loans.
Anyways my advice would be to put on your big boy pants and pick up a couple part time jobs to sock away money to go to court to get visitation spelled out. The ex still sees you as a stupid kid who won't be a responsible father and you aren't going to change that by whining like a baby over the loss of contact of your son. Support isn't payment for visitation. Its money needed to put food in your son's mouth, clothes on his back, and a roof over his head. To go to court to cut that back would truly show that you haven't grown up a single bit.
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B.C.
answers from
Norfolk
on
I'm not sure there's much you can do if you are not willing to go to court and get any custody.
You are obligated to pay child support whether you see your child or not.
If you are wanting a family life you might have to find someone to fall in love with, get married and have a child or two where you can actively be a parent.
Additional:
So what do you want Fred/Mayla?
Do you want to raise your kid or not?
If you want to be a part of your kids life beyond being nothing but a support check for the next 10 years then you're going to have to do something besides spewing legalese on a parenting site.
You can't force the kids Mom to include you except via the courts.
So cook or get off the stove.
Any suggestions anyone comes up with here you seem to have lengthy excuses/statistics for not doing anything.
Here's a wild thought.
Try tripling your child support payment.
That will get her attention for sure.
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M.S.
answers from
Oklahoma City
on
There is a lot here to digest but it sounds like the bottom line is: you want a relationship with your son. In order to pull this off you are going to really need to do some soul searching and ask yourself a really tough question: what is my part in how this situation got so screwed up? Stop whenever you start taking the mom's inventory and refocus back on yourself and really try and take responsibility for your part in the estrangement from your son. The next question would be: what steps do I need to take to reconnect with him? Do you need to write his mom letters apologizing for messing with the support and then plead your case about how much you love him? Do you need to buy tickets to go to where she lives and ask to meet? Do you need to contact a lawyer? Your plan to reduce payments to get her attention seems backhanded. Deal with her directly. Try and have a civil dialogue about this. If not, get legal support to gain access to him. I wish you the best with this. I think no matter how you slice it- it will be expensive.
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J.C.
answers from
Anchorage
on
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
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C.S.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Fred,
I feel bad for you and your son , because, there are sooo many fathers out there who did and do ,just move on,and it's like their chidren were just erased. They suffer (the kids) emotionally, not so much when they are younger, as when they get to be teenagers and really need that father image in their lives. Children need that image ALL thier lives (if it's a positive one) but, unfortunately ,it doesn't happen like that alot of times. I can
say this because I have a son who is now 31 years old and that part of his life is missing and it eats away at him ,even though he doesn't vocalize it very often. He never wants kids or to get married and I feel like that is a result of his father not being around, my oldest son has had issues of all kinds, trouble with the law, drug addiction, and so on because he needed his father and he wasn't there. Both of my sons have lasting effects from their father not being in there lives. And let's face it, Moms can never be a Father, as hard as we might try. It is important to try and reach out ,look on line,facebook, google and so on to try and reach her. You can do a search and find her if it means that much to you. Was there no visitation set up when child support was ordered ? And a Mom can be charged with violating a court order if she doesn't allow the visitation as ordered. Reach out to her for the sake of your son. You can also find out the process for filing your own papers, write a Judge, and so forth. If it makes you feel better, start writing letters and cards to your son (even if you have no where to send them), hold on to them until you do make contact and give them to him so he knows you wanted to be there for him. His Mom seems to be very selfish if she won't allow contact, it does not benefit the child to keep you away from him. Where there is a will ,there is a way,.... it just may not be the conventional/traditional way, DON'T give up ! If all else fails , call or write Dr Phil ! FYI, IT'S NOT SELFISH TO WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILD !
College can be paid for by grants, scholarships etc. The here and now is just as important as future plans. Without you to encourage him, he may not even have the desire to go to College. Sometimes we need to look at things outside the box ! I truly wish you the best of Luck, C. S.
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S.B.
answers from
Kansas City
on
I see you said she has another man now. Is that around the time she cut you off? Or did it coincide with you meeting/marrying another woman? Some women are just vindictive. I know one who tried to cut out the biodad when he said he didn't want to marry her and almost immediately took up with someone else and ended up marrying him. After a court order she was sweet as pie to the biodad- until he met and got engaged to someone else and doesn't get everything she wants anymore and now is back to violating the court ordered visitation. She's getting taken back to court for contempt of court for violated the visitation. The biodad is lucky- his parents are willing to foot the bill for the lawyer, because they're constantly having to take the mom to court for her violations of the visitation orders. You can get court ordered visitation. She can be held in contempt if she keeps you away from him. Fight for your rights to your son. In the end, he'll know you wanted him. The more people who love a child, the better as far as I'm concerned.
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J.G.
answers from
Chicago
on
Do whatever you have to do to have contact. I don't listen to much talk radio, but occasionally I turn on the nutjob station, I.e. Right wing freaks. There is always this guy drumming on about father parental rights. I'm sure you've searched, but how about making yourself the poster boy for father rights? Can you stop paying until you get contact? Probably not, but what happens if you obtain a lawyer to write such a thing up and actual fight for it to matter?
I honestly don't get why she can do whatever without you having any rights. You were 19, so young, but you aren't young anymore. Go after your son, and get her to own up to the fact that you should get 50% of his time. He's your son too.
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R.M.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Pay child support and take it to court. My personal opinion is that it will be good for your child to have contact with you. The only scenario in which it might be bad is if she has married again and the child thinks the husband is his father. But if the boy knows of you, or thinks he has no father, then contact would be a good thing, imo.
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M.3.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
In my one experience with a similar situation, the dad pushed for a test and found the child was not his biological child and the mom thought he would find out so removed the child from his life but kept getting the child support until he pushed for a test. Would be worth having it done...the kid if he's really yours wants to know his dad, so keep praying that her heart softens toward you.
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K.H.
answers from
Richmond
on
first my child, has she proven with a paternity test that the child is actually yours?get that out of the way first..then, if she refuses to prove the kid is actually yours, tell the child support people you are not giving her another dime. they dont like it, tell them , talk to your lawyer. you are under no legal obligation to pay child support on a child that might not be yours.i have seen plenty of men get railroaded into paying child support for a child that turned out not to theirs,garnishment? contact a lawyer to demand a suspension of garnishment until the mother proves you are the father. you might also want to do a web search on the mother to see if she is trying to sue anyone else for paternity. if it turns out you are not the only man this woman has "taken to the cleaners", the judge will laugh in her face and throw the case out. K. h.
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T.S.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Are you even sure this child is yours?
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R.X.
answers from
Houston
on
This is too long for me to read. ADHD. The responses are equally long. So, my two cents>
Respect the new person in her life--whoever that may be. Know that the step parent may have already formed a bond that you may fracture. Know that this child may not want to see you.
I applaud your wanting to be involved. Do it cautiously as to not cause big waves. You may have to first form a relationship with his mam and her significant other.
