I Just Want to Understand What Is Going On

You are assuming, erroneously, that a 17 month old has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old, and is capable of giving you a message to hurt your feelings. She does not. You are also making her responsible for your emotional wellbeing, when the opposite is true.

She's a toddler. She wants what she wants when she wants it. You will have a stronger and more capable little girl (and teen and woman) if you encourage her to be independent and confident - that means leaving your lap and bonding with others who love her (grandparents, dad, aunts/uncles, trusted babysitters). This helps kids separate well when they go to daycare, preschool, elementary school, and eventually college or the working world. You should encourage her spirit of exploration and her willingness to leave your side. You should do this from a position of confidence that you are, and always will be, her primary source of security and confidence. If you cannot trust that, you will both be big masses of insecurity for a long time.

If you need help with your own confidence, by all means, reach out for help and get some short term counseling. This can help you with the many stages of childhood development too, so you know what to expect. Kids don't come with a manual, so you should feel fine about getting some additional info and support.

After reading your previous posts,.I wonder about your insecurity and possibly anxiety and depression. I suggest that you get help so that you can be more confident in the role of Mommy.

I also wonder what life is like for both you and your baby. I suspect that baby feels your anxiety that can turn to anger when you're overwhelmed and when your baby seems to prefer her grandmother. Of course you carry that anxiety into your relationship with her at home.

Your daughter has developed relationships with other people. That is a good thing! I suggest that her seeming to prefer others when visiting Grandma is normal and is not about her love for you. She loves both of you. She sees you all week. And only on weekends she sees Grandma. It's to be expected that she focuses on those she doesn't see as often. She loves you. She's a baby with a very immature brain. She doesn"t know, not should she know how to reassure you of her love.

I suggest she doesn't want to be held while she's having fun at Grandma's. I suggest you feel a need to hold her. I suggest you are expecting this baby/toddler to take care of your need.

I urge you to read information on the Internet about child development. Then, if you accept that babies brains are very very unlike an adults brain, and read about developmental stages, you can relax some.

I especially encourage you go to counseling so that you'll feel more secure and able to know that your baby loves you.

I'll share my personal experience with my grandchild. She turned 5 this past summer. Until a couple of months ago she begged to visit. Now she almost always tells me to go away when I visit. I ignore her. I know she loves me.
Eventually she gives me a hug and stops asking me to leave.

I tell you this to illustrate how babies and children grow and change. Your daughter is going to snub you at times her whole life. Please accept that your daughter loves you and learn how to let go of your anxiety over whether or not she loves you. If you continue to worry, your anger is apt to increase and your relationship will be damaged.

BTW yelling at a baby/child is abusive.Your daughter will have emotional difficulty possibly for her whole life. She will eventually either respond to such events in anger and use anger in ways similar to yours. Or she will withdraw, acting out in other ways.

It's possible that your parents yelled at you contributing to your fears. Or perhaps they left you perhaps when they were dealing with their own pain. I empathize. I know you love your daughter and are having a difficult time feeling loved. I also know from experience that counseling will help.

I notice you asked this back in April so it sounds like she still is doing the same behavior, and it's still bothering you.

Perhaps she is picking up on your cues that you are bothered and this is upsetting her. I'd just let it go, and try to not let it bother you. If you go back and read the responses you had then, that's what most moms said. This could be a phase, or she may just really like her grandma. It's very common. Kiddos form attachments at this age. It does not mean they don't love you.

Maybe you're acting a bit clingy. If you try to pick her up, she may just want to run free or go to granny. Just let her. Let her get her fill. It's ok.

My guess without observing it - is that she sees you are distressed. Kids pick up on vibes, and babies really do. They need mommas to be their 'rocks' - to be solid and unwavering and cool/stable. So you need to get it together and not let her perceived preference for grandparents bother you.

Really - let it go. She's a toddler. She's going to run into teachers arms and not look back at you, she's going to run to friends without so much as a glance back later on. This is ok. It's actually a really good sign that she feels safe and secure with others. It's much better than a clingy toddler who has to hide behind momma's legs. That's a whole other issue (been there). This is nice - remember, it takes a village.

your toddler should not be the source of your confidence. she's a tiny person who cannot shoulder the responsibility of your emotional barometer.

do not let tiny people be in charge of your feelings.

she's a baby.
khairete
S.

Maybe when she goes there she feels like she is on an adventure and it's time to explore her new, yet familiar, surroundings. But when mom picks her up, fun time is over and she is protesting a bit. Just trying to put myself in her shoes......

If visits to in laws are causing some upsets, then maybe fewer visits will help at least till she out grows this stage.
Every weekend would be a bit much for me.

It seems it is your daughters nature to be outgoing - it's a good thing.
She's not hanging onto you for every little thing.
Count your blessings.
I thought our son would never leave my lap - but right around 3 1/2 yrs old he decided he wanted to play with his friends rather than watch it all from the sidelines.

This can change up quite a bit - back and forth - and back again.
Toddlers fearlessly RUN when ever anything catches their attention - which is why I had to use a leash for our son between 2 to 3 yrs old in public places.
Yeah I got dirty looks from people but he never got lost - I never had to deal with that panic - and we survived his toddlerhood with a minimum of fuss.
And then they reverse and want to see how it all works before jumping in.

You manage the stages as best you can without going crazy with the self doubt.
Sure your daughter is learning a lot - but so are you.

I don’t understand if your daughter IS 17 months old, or if you’ve had her for 17 months and is older. I would say if she’s 17 months and spends a lot of time with her in-laws she is just a bit confused about who’s in charge, or who’s the momma, especially if the in-laws do most of her caretaking while are at their house. Or maybe they spoil her in ways that you do not? I know 17 months is often an age where the children have attachment issues when mom leaves but it’s been a long time since my daughter was that little. However, she always thought of my mother has her “other mother” because she was the only other caregiver that I trusted completely. That may not have helped....like I said it’s been a long time for me.

My daughter did the same to me. It's being spoiled by the grandparents. My strict mother forgot how strict she was when my daughter came and lets her do whatever she wants. She's not the same women. Your daughter has a special bond with her grandparents. She doesn't dislike you but she knows she can get away with more when she is with them. Be happy that she is loved. If you have a hard time with this you may need to seek help. Good luck!!