My Husband Doesn't Want My Parent at the Birth of My Daughter. I'm So Hurt

I would tell your husband very calmly that you both get to raise the baby and make joint decisions about that. As far as your birth goes, it's your body and your mind that will go through this. In order for everything to go smoothly, you need to have it your way. I would also tell him that he is stressing you out and if he loved you and the baby he would stop doing that. This is supposed to be the most wonderful time in your life. You're supposed to be excited to meet your new baby not worried about him having issues with your mother.

It is not up to your husband how many people should be at the hospital. The hospital has policies about that. They will tell you how many people can be in the room at one time. By the way, the nurse asked me personally who I wanted present when I pushed the baby out. I told her and she kicked everyone out that I didn't want there so I didn't have to. The nurses will honor your wishes, not your husbands.

I also want you to know that when you go into labor, you will have time to call your mom yourself if your husband won't do it. Labor is a long process and in the beginning of it you'll be ok in between contractions. It's when your contractions are 2-3 minutes apart that you won't be able to talk and you'll really just be focused on birthing your baby.

I don't know if you plan on going natural or using drugs. If you are going to go natural, you should have your mom there early on to help you get through it. At that point just call her and tell her to come in the beginning. If you plan on having an epidural, then you will be able to use your cell phone to call her yourself and update her.

On a final note, if your husband still won't budge on this matter and you are close to your mother-in-law, I would have a chat with her. I would keep it simple and ask her to keep the conversation private. Then ask her if she would be so kind to make sure that your mother was called when you go into labor and kept up to date. Tell her your husband doesn't want to do it, but it is so important to you and don't want to fight with him about it. If he creates problems over this at the hospital, he will get thrown out and he would deserve it.

The only other suggestion I have is that you should rent videos from the library or download clips off the internet of women giving birth. Let your husband see first hand what you're going to experience and let him see that having extra help there is not a negative thing.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope that you will be able to get him to see your way! I wish you a peaceful, healthy birth surrounded by those you love.

As a woman who has given birth and as a labor and delivery nurse, I can tell you this needs to be your decision. You need to have those people around you that you can find strength and support in as labor is exactly that...hard work. If your mother is one of these people, then by all means she needs to be with you. He is obviously having people there he finds support in...but you are the one who physically/emotionally needs it most. I always tell me patients that when they remember the birth of their baby, they should remember it happily...not as something that was miserable. Ask yourself if you could do this without your family/friends there. If not, you are the one who decides who is in the room with you. In the 20+ years I have been a L&D nurse, I have asked fathers (at the mother's request of course) to leave the room when they have been too obnoxious or unsupportive to the patient...I was a hard decision for each of these women to make but in the end it was the best decision for her. Surround yourself in love and support and good luck.

Guys get really crazy around the birth of their baby. Especially if it is the first for all involved. Sit him down and let him kown that he doesn't get to decide who is in the delivery with you. You are doing the work and he is Assisting, so you need to do what is right for you. when he is pushing the baby out of his body, he gets to decide who is in the room...=) Get your mothers to back you up and explain that you are happy to have both families there, but yours NEEDS to be there. And call yours yourself. You should have plenty of time and energy. I had no problem with the phone, but my husband had trouble following simple directions. It was kind of funny...
Guys can get really jealous of all the attention you are getting from everyone and Really jealous when the baby comes, so you need to recruit both families now to help him out of it... This is almost as big a change for them as it is for you... Also, have lots of sex, as long as the doctor doesn't ban it. It will make your hubby happier and your body more ready to give birth...
Good luck and happy birthing!
R.

Hi M.,

First of all, congratulations on the pending birth! I hope everything goes easily and to plan.

It's funny -- for most of history, only women attended a laboring mother. She would usually have the help of her mother, perhaps a sister or aunt, a midwife, and sometimes the father's mother, depending on traditions and relationships. The male-directed birth is an invention of modern medicine that developed, to the detriment of much of healthy birthing, in the late 1800's and the presence of the father at the birth only came into vogue in the 1970's and '80's.

(BTW, this is not to say that today's medical practices contribute to unhealthy birthing. Quite the opposite, as labor used to be quite risky and modern obstetrics has eliminated almost all of those risks. There was a time, however, when poor antiseptic practices in medicine contributed a great deal to postpartum infection and maternal death that might not have occurred with a midwife assisted labor. It was not until Dr. Ignaz Semmelweis developed the germ theory of disease and instituted hand washing before assisting laboring mothers that the death rate began to decline.)

Back to the point. A women NEEDS her mother with her during labor (well, not all mothers. I don't think mine would have been an asset, as much as I love her!). A woman's mom has been through it before, and women often share labor patterns with their mothers and sisters, thus their experience can be very helpful. This is what your husband needs to understand. Also, he should understand that sometimes there is more to do during the labor than one person can handle. My mom lived 400 miles away, and my hubby was a gem, but both my labors were difficult and lengthy, and we were both exhausted before they were over. It would have been great to have a couple of friends and/or relatives to help spot him so that he could have taken a break, or to have one person massaging my feet while another held my hand, and someone rolled a ball in the small of my back! I was in it for the long haul no matter what (no choice there!) but it could have been easier during and afterward if at least one of us had had a little bit of a break during the process!

Like everyone else, I think you really need to explore your husband's reasons deeply and insist on a rational explanation that can be addressed. After all, this is not a time when you want to alienate anyone, especially your DH! If he's afraid that your mom will take over as the birth coach, why not work out a birth plan that includes the specific roles to be played by your husband, his mother and yours so that they can work together as a team to help you? Get everyone to sit down and talk about it -- maybe have both sets of in-laws over for brunch or something. Better yet, have the conversation in a restaurant, where it's harder for things to get out of hand (and people tend to be on better behavior) if you think things may become confrontational.

I would NOT tell your husband to kiss your patootie as one respondent suggested. Marriage is about discussion and compromise, not ultimatums and insults.

Good luck M. -- I hope everything works out for you and you have the birth experience you want.

Hi M.,

Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your baby. I'm sorry this has turned into a stressed out event. I'll share two ideas with you.

My husband and I got some great advice from a very wise colleague and mommy when we had our first. She recommended that we spend the first week with baby entirely alone. Just us at the hospital, just us at home for the first week...the idea being we had to learn to rely on each other as we learned our baby together. She had to do this because she was married to a Navy man, but discovered that it was a really good idea. Given that the two of you can't seem to agree on who should be present and who should not, this may be a fair compromise.

When baby turns two weeks, invite one set of parents out for a week and the second set of parents for the third week and just keep people coming until you get sick of dealing with guests. My husband and I did this "visit after week one" concept and I had help for four weeks after my son's birth. It was great!

The second idea involves the birthing room. My husband and I agreed that we would each get one person to be our support person during delivery (not included medical personnel). I chose my husband (you could choose your mom) and my husband chose a very good friend of ours (female). As luck would have it, I had the speediest delivery of a first child and our friend missed the birth by minutes so it was just us. If your husband can't deal with your mom in the room, he needs to give you a solid reason for it...and at that point, I would recommend no one in the room but you two to avoid further hurt feelings on the issue. If you don't get who you want, neither does he.

It sounds like you two need to have a long talk, perhaps in the presence of a neutral friend or spiritual advisor for support. Try to find out what his issues are in a direct, but non-belligerent, emotional way so you two can deal with them. (Good luck with the non-emotional part...I could never do it given the emotional rollercoaster I was at 8 months!)

It could be your husband feels hurt, very hurt, that you don't see him as "enough" of a support because you want your mom. I only suggest this because I'm having surgery at the end of June and everyone in my family offered to come stay with us to help me out during recovery. My husband was very hurt by this..."What? Do they think I can't take care of you properly?" That was a tough conversation but one that made us better in the end.

Good luck!

The birthing mother is like the Bride - your way goes, not his. How about if you have just the mothers of both families? Having both sets of parents does seem like a lot of people, I am surprised your hospital will let you have that many. It is usually just the husband or "birth coach" and one other person. You call your mom. First babies take a long time to come, you will be in labor for a while before you are too incapacitated to call. Let everyone come to the hospital, and call in who you want into your labor and delivery room. First births can take a long time, and your husband will be grateful to have someone to relieve him, after being by your side for hours and hours.

Hi M.,

First off, congratulations on the birth of your first child!! So exciting!!! Secondly, I am sorry you are having to go through this, especially now.

Here's my two cents (from a mother of 3 soon to be 4):

First off, it's not your baby, or his baby. It's YOUR (together, as a husband and wife soon to be mom and dad) baby. It's not your decision, or his decision...it's YOUR (together as a husband and wife) decision. This is all part of the vow you took when you married...to be a team...not an individual, and to make decisions as a couple...what's best for BOTH of you...not just one of you. This is something he needs to understand as well.

That being said...there has got to be a compromise on both of your parts. Why not let everyone come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room? Why not have just you and your husband in the delivery room? After all, was your mom or his mom there when the baby was conceived? I sure hope not. It was something that you two did TOGETHER...just the two of you...and what a beautiful way to welcome your baby into the world...just the two of you!!! After all...you chose to marry him, and that partly means your partner becomes your first priority (and you his), and that while your parents can remain INCREDIBLY close to you, your marriage should come first. That is, if you took your vows seriously and really entered this marriage 100%.

Perhaps he feels second best compared to your parents...from reading this, it's obvious that you are VERY close with your parents...and what an amazing blessing for you!!! Men do funny things, especially because he hasn't gotten to experience all the things you have with this pregnancy - the first kick, etc...and maybe this is his way, horrible timing and improper as it may be, to try and have some kind of control in a situation he probably feels completely out of control in. Your lives are about to change DRASTICALLY...in an amazing way, but in ways neither of you can comprehend...and perhaps he feels a little left out and unsure of what's coming.

Someone else suggested counseling...not a bad idea. Unless you guys can get down to the heart of the matter and get it worked out together...

I know for my husband and me...we agreed way ahead of time that we only wanted the two of us in the delivery room. It's an incredibly personal moment...and each time we have given birth to a child, and yes, I say we, because we did it together...it was beautiful and brought us so incredibly close. It's not a moment I would have shared with ANYONE...except my husband and the father of my children. We wanted the entire focus of the experience to be ours...with no distractions from anyone else.

Obviously you are the one doing the work...and again, perhaps he feels left out or helpless because he can't really do anything except hold your hand and support you every step of the way. It's probably scary for him to see you go through this, because a man's natural instinct is to protect, and there's not much he will be able to do...and maybe he's afraid if your mom is there, he will get pushed to the side...

Clearly with the birth of your baby so close...you guys need to come to a decision together...and I pray for both of your sakes, as well as your baby's, that you guys can find a way to enter this new and beautiful stage of your life together, 100%, as husband and wife, as a team, as mom and dad...it's a role you are going to have to play for the rest of your lives :)

Good luck and God bless you all :)

This is very odd. And if he were to say "just us" I could understand it, but he DOES want his family there. So this is just exclusionary.

You have my sympathy on this. I know what a hard spot you are in. When I was 31 I gave birth to our first son. The fight we got into was over Circumcision. He wanted it and I did not.
http://www.mothersagainstcirc.org/fleiss.html

Anytime we argued he got so angry and I got so emotional, my baby was doing summersaults (not good) over my rising blood pressure and anger and stress. So I dropped it to avoid hurting our baby.

Here is what I would have done had I known...

I would have remained very calm, very self-confident, and self-assured.

S~U~P~R~E~M~E SELF-CONFIDENCE and CALM

"My mother is coming. I need her there. This is important to the both of us. (End of story.)"

Just like he is talking to you. He is not letting you say no. He is not giving you that authority or permission. Now, you aren't giving this to him. Simply because he is being unreasonable. Let HIM argue why not. Let it be his problem.

This is YOUR party. You are the one giving birth. He needs to support you. If he is unable to do that emotionally (by allowing your mother there) then YOU need to stand up yourself and your needs. Period.

(With my firstborn, I wanted a homebirth. My husband completely vetoed it and I just dropped the issue. OK fine. Second birth 4 years later, I studied more about the options. I told him firmly and lovingly, "sorry sweetie, but if you want to give birth in a hospital, you can, * I * am giving birth at home with a midwife." He eventually saw how well read I was and felt confident I knew what I was talking about.)

It looks like your mother knows how to handle him (avoid confrontation) and she is mature enough to know how to handle herself. She knows not to dump on you and give you any more added stress.

There is a scene in the movie the Age of Innocence (Wynona Ryder and other actors) where she is a young, naive newlywed and there is gossip that her new husband is having an affair with her gorgeous older cousin (Michelle Pfieffer). Her husband has a meeting with WR and tells her he is going away for a few months to "rest" or something (he wants to meet up with MP) and she calmly tells him no, without raising her voice, without hysterics, without accusing either of them of her suspicions and embarassing anyone. I remember the critics talking about that scene and how she completely (and unexpectedly) took over the scene.

I'm so sorry he has turned weird since you got married. I'm sure your poor mother notices it and God Bless her she is acting "cool" because she does want to continue to see the both of you (new grandchild AND you).

You cannot let him bully you into not seeing your family. If he doesn't want to, that is his business, but don't let him cut you off from your own family. That is not happening.

You'll probably get advice to seek marital counseling. He needs it. And you need to learn how to grow a backbone (and I speak from experience - I had to do the same - learn to speak with authority and never let him steam roll me again over something SOOOOO important).

There is no way that i would allow my husband to ban my family from any important event in mine or my children's life especially if there has been no confrontations of any sort. They are your family & always will be even if 1 day (god forbid) he is not your husband anymore. You need to put your foot down on this subject so that it will never be a problem in the future. My mother has allows been welcomed
she feels & when it comes to birth, you want your mother there. Your husband seems like he has signs of an abusive man. They say men first try to isolate you from friends & family so they can control you. I hope this is not the case but i'd nip it in the bud now! Good luck

Aloha, M.! First off congratulations! Secondly, it is NOT your husband's choice. YOU are the one who will be going through labor and experiencing all of the pain. One of the first things that my lamaze teacher told the EXPECTING FATHERS was, "Your job is to make sure that your wife is as comfortable as possible. You kick out whom ever she does NOT want in that room and you bring in whom ever she WANTS there. It is all about her and no one else." That being said, I had my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, and a pregnancy massage specialist with me. My husband's grandmother wanted to be present and I said, "Absolutely not!" and he followed my wishes. If your husband still does not agree to your family being present, then no one should be present expect for you and your husband. Fair is fair. This baby has TWO sets of grandparents, NOT one.
I also liked the suggestion of having you speak with your mother-in-law. I live near my mother-in-law and far from my mother, but my mother-in-law has always been sensitive about not "stepping on my mother's toes." She may appreciate you going to her.
I hate making this last suggestion, but if your husband still insists that only his family be there, then you ask the nurse to remove EVERYONE from the room, except your husband. The nurses/doctors will follow YOUR wishes, since you are the one giving birth.
As an added FYI, my husband read my post and he agrees with everything that I have written.
Good luck!

This is a once in a lifetime event. You deserve to have whoever you want there. Sounds like he hasn't been open to reason so I would lay it down- All or Nothing.
Either both families or just you and your hubby.
Or maybe just each of your mothers and not the whole clan.
That would shoot down his argument of not wanting "too many people" in the room.
Good Luck.

You need to let yoour husband know that you need and want your mother there for support, and make yourself clear that it is body, and you are going to need lots of support and also for him to, she could bring him food, or get your ice chips, or whatever needs arise. There was no way my husband could have done all that I needed for our first born, with all the shock, and excitment he needed someone to "asist" him, both of our mothers were there for our first daughter, and when it came time to push I pushed for 2hrs and they had to pull my legs back and it was exasting not only for me but them as well. Just ask him how he can hold both of your legs? He maybe just shy about the naturalness of birth, so put your foot down and say you need him and your mother, and when he gives birth he can choose who he wants in the room. Sorry if I am too blunt, but I just put it out there and if someone doesn't like it they dont have to listen. But I wish you the best of luck with labor and your hubby and your knew little bundle of joy.

My guess is that he is not a mean and cruel person, but that he is insecure about something. Try to get at that and help him through it and this might turn around. Since the behavior with your family started before this issue about the hospital, it probably goes deeper than just how things will be at the hospital. However, a discussion about what his expectations are about the upcoming birth experience might open things up for a real discussion about what's really going on with him. Does he fear he may be judged negatively by your family? Even if it is not true, this still might be what HE fears and he is acting in ways in an attempt to avoid it. That's actually quite rational when you look at it from the perspective that he is acting out of fear and insecurity (rational, but not productive.) Is your family too "in your business"? Are they too influential in your family, meaning your husband and you? Perhaps he is not made to feel like the man, the head of his family? On the flip side, if your family is really great, perhaps he feels inadequate in some way? New fathers (and sometimes even new husbands, if they take this role very seriously) can feel a lot of pressure to "be a good one" and can behave in these odd ways out of insecurity, not maliciousness.

That being said, I do think that being in a good place mentally while giving birth will be much better for you and the baby, so try to get this resolved now so that you both will have the kind of support you need when the time comes. Personally, I would not accept having anyone in the room that I did not want to be naked in front of, poop on the table in front of, etc., etc. I hope you both have taken the prenatal classes and gotten educated about what it may be like. But, this needs to be turned into a win-win for both of you and nobody should be made to feel like he or she lost or was overruled, although everyone is correct, the hospital staff will absolutely go with what YOU want. Please work this out ahead of time so that parenting this child is a joint effort, right from the start.

Wow, sounds to me like you are feeling upset (anxious, sad, angry). What do you do for yourself when you are feeling this way? I go to friends, family, therapist, church, massage...whatever. To help me get back on track, to know that I matter, that what I'm asking for is fair, so that I'm not so emotionally reactive in the current solving of the situation. That's AS important as "solving" the problem with your husband. If you are more assured of yourself that you know what is fair...either BOTH sets of grandparents are present or NONE...and know that you won't compromise your feelings for his, just because he's taking a stance, then you can approach your husband with QUESTIONS instead of arguing. ASK him...Do you think that BOTH of us deserve to have supportive loved ones around who help us both feel cared for in a time of transition? Do you think that my parents matter as much as your parents, in the birth of our child? Do you think that our family includes my parents, as well as your parents? It doesn't matter if he doesn't like your parents or not...you want them there. You get them there. let his answers inform the decision. If he throws a tantrum, get help from others.

And questions for YOU...Why do you think you are reacting to his nonsense so much? Don't you KNOW that you deserve to have an equal say? This is, in part, about you KNOWING that you matter. When someone important to you is reacting and not knowing that truth in the moment, and he's only thinking about himself, then do you buckle or settle or feel bad about yourself? Remember who you are...an EQUAL partner, an EQUAL person in a couple who are both undergoing stressful transition...you BOTH deserve compassion and understanding in this anxiety-provoking time. you BOTH deserve to have support from people you each choose to have as participants. You BOTH deserve to have your needs met.

Good luck, and don't lose sight of you and your worth when your husband is in the dark of his own fears/anger/pain. Thank you for this opportunity for me to share with you.

HI M.,
Well actually something like your situation did happen to me. My husband was all fine and dandi till the end of my pregnancy. He also didn't want my mom with us. My surprised me and showed up a week before my due date. My husband was so cold toward my mom it made me feel awful. He kept telling me "she isn't staying till the baby is born is she?" He wouldn't talk to me and didn't say a word to my mother. She also didn't say a word to me but you just knew she knew something was wrong. Mother's always know when you are upset or something is wrong, they just know. My mom left within a week, still no baby. She was hurt I could tell, I am her only daughter I think it is much more special when your daughter is going to have a baby so it hurt her not to be here with me. And it really hurt me not to have her here, even till this day I am hurt and I blame my husband for it. Not to mention after having the baby you feel more comfortable with your own mother to help you out, which believe me you will need alot of help. My husband didn't even stay with me in the hospital that night, if my mom was there she would of stayed. I felt soo alone and scared.

So I suggest to talk to your husband and let him know it will be okay. I think they get a bit crazy cause they are also scared, they just don't want to talk about it. They feel more comfortable with their families and of course their mommies. Let him know you want your parents their, especially your mom. You need her now more than ever. This is a special moment for you two and the whole family. Tell him when the time comes for him to call his parents and yours. Who ever wants to come over and see the baby let them come over.

Don't worry he will come around, just the whole new father part hasn't hit him yet. My husband does much better with my family now. He see's how crazy his family is!!LOL. But my mom is more comfortable around him, he is more open with her and treats her well when she does come and visit. So talk to your husband and let him know you would like the support from his family and yours. That would make you feel better.

Congrats!!! and hope all goes well....don't worry to much about it.

M.,
Just let it go. This might be a way he is expressing stress over not knowing what is going to happen. Let him know you want your parents there, but then accept what he wants. It will be hard, but showing respect for him will go a long way in your marriage. I will pray for a great birth and a more sympathetic husband.
M. T.

Oh, no, sweetie. He doesn't understand. This is more about what you want than him. If you want (and need) your parents there, then they should be there. When he gives birth, he gets to choose.
Good luck with your precious baby.
K. K.

The truth is you don't "need" anyone except the medical staff. After reading the other posts I see this reality has been given up for some Birthzilla fantasy/mythology. You call your husband cruel and crazy so in affect your love for him is in competition with your parents. Have everyone wait in the waiting room and bond with your husband not your mommy - this isn't a boo boo for mommy to kiss this is your child's future. What is best for the child - that you marriage is secure and strong. Make all your decisions from this perspective only - unless of course your mommy is a really good divorce attorney.

* EDIT -- I thought about my answer and now I feel I need to edit and add this---

I assumed this request was filled with exaggeration and hyperbole so I answered as I did. Then I realized I could be wrong. Maybe the husband is literally cold, cruel and crazy (he'd also be alliterative!) Cold, cruel, crazy people are some type of psychopath or borderline. These people rarely change only their games do. Watch the old movie Gaslighting. Believe in your marriage BUT trust in (and do preemptive research in) the divorce laws of your state. Don't be caught unprepared.

Hi M., I feel your husband is feeling pressured by the changes in his life. He wants them but is afraid he will fail in some way to meet his own expectations of what it all should look like. So he alienates those who he fears would be disappointed and gravitates toward those ( his family) who he feels would be there for him if his worst fear manifests and he "fails" in some way. He is not alone in this reassure him of that, communicate and keep telling the truth with as much love as possible Honey. He doesn't know he wants control in his mind. He loves you and your family. Remember you can have whoever you want in there Honey. Take care, Love and Blessings P. Fulton

Hi M.:
An early congrats,on the arrival of your beautiful baby.I could better understand your husband wanting to experience this extreme joy of your first child,together as husband and wife. Like any man,he wants to feel (HE'S your rock.)He yearns to hear you say "I NEED YOU" to be with me,and support me,during our child's birth.I want YOU to be the ONE to hold my hand,and comfort me.When A woman suggest she needs her mother there,A man feels insignificant. He fears you don't share the same close feelings,with him,or don't trust,that he will offer you the same comfort,and understanding,that your mother would provide. What I don't find realistic,or fair,is permitting his parents to be present for the birth and suggesting you deprive your parents from sharing in the same JOY.Its as though,he is showing favoritism towards one set of Grandparents.Giving them the impression,that they are some how favored,or receiving exclusive rights,that others would be entitled to. He's not taking into consideration, the hurt feelings he creates by his rather immature actions.I would address this calmly,before the babies arrival. I would tell my husband,that we are not going to begin our new life with our baby,like this.We are not going to play favorites,nor begin stepping on anyone's feelings. You'd never do that to his parents,and you expect him to be equally respectful to yours.Your having this baby with BOTH sets of Grandparents present,or ALONE TOGETHER.Tell him to take his pick. I'd tell him,that this subject,has been troubling you to the point of feeling ill,and that it needs to be settled now,and then dropped.You have a lot more important things to be concerned about right now.IT'S NOT PROPER TO DISREGARD THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS,MERELY FOR PERSONAL GAIN.Even if its just for BROWNIE POINTS.I wish you and your new baby the very best. J. M

Hello M.,
So sorry to hear about your troubles. Unfortunately something else must be bothering your husband why he is feeling sudden distance from your family. If he can't come to some kind of compromise, then the best thing to do is have both sides of the family stay at home and contact both sides after the baby is born. He throws tantrum about it, acknowledge that it's the way it is. I also think you are the part of the fault. You seem to be too easy on his demands :). This time, you step in and make the call. If only one side gets the credit and access to have the first go, then it goes with both sides. This is not the time for him to be all nonsense about things. If it bothers you that much then take that extra step and consult with his parents. You deserve to know the truth of things if he is telling his folks what you have no idea about and you are left in the dark, your parents and family are taking them in because of their love for you...If I were you, I would just lay it down. Either both families to enjoy the equal moment of their first precious grand-daughter or it will be just the two of you and contact everyone when it's all over. You ought to take charge if things don't look right...Congratulations by the way :)

Hi M., Tell your husband when he gives birth he can invite who he wants, but you are having your family there during this birth. It's not about what he wants, it is about what makes you confortable. You don't need to go into labor with this on your mind. I can understand not wanting a ton of people at the hospital, but his parents and yours is only 4 people, thats pretty commen. My mom was in the delivery room with me, and she was more helpful than my husband.

Your daughter's upbringing is a family affair. The birth is happening to YOU. I find it interesting that your mom "turns the other cheek" when she feels she's being snubbed by your husband. Do you?

There is you, there is him and then the collective you. Birth is you. His feelings are about him and his possible/probable insecurity. Raising your daughter is about the collective you.

You are becoming a family, a mom, your identity is changing in ways you can't imagine. What would you advise your daughter to do if she were in this situation?

Aside: If you think your husband is jealous of the relationship you have w/ your parents, just wait until he sees your love for your daughter.

Marriage counseling: NOW, not after, NOW.

With much compassion and warmth to you and the growing being inside you!

Jen

YOu will be the one doing ALL the work. Stress or sadness of any kind is the last thing you need for a successful birth. Your mom should be there at a minimum. if he doesn't want a lot of people then you both pick one parent and then call everyone else. Emphasize what stress and anxiety will do to you and your ability to deliver safely. You need your "A Game" to get the job done. Tell him he is making things difficult for you, and that tension during that time will impact things negatively. One parent each, moms to be exact. The dads don't want to see that kind of stuff anyway. Anyone else can be in the waiting room or contacted by phone. Tell him you cannot do it without your mom. That you will not be able to relax and that your labor will be harder as a result. The next thing to do is Pray that God will soften his heart and show him how much this is hurting you. If all else fails, the minute you go into labor grab the phone and call your mom to come to the hospital. I doubt he will put on a scene in the heat of such a special moment. Deal with the consequences after. Once the baby is here he will forget all about it.

By the Way: Never be shocked by the hurtful things your husband, whom you think you know, will say and do throughout your marriage. Men are 2yr olds, until the day they die. You have to deal with them the same way you do with a 2year old's rantings and tantrums, - let them run their course. WHATEVER YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO LET HIM RUING THIS FOR YOU!!!!

Call your mom right now and tell her you want her there so she knows that you do. Then squeeze that call in really quick at the first sign of labor. Let him deal with it!

I will be praying for you and for him and for a safe birth.

Be blessed.

A Prayer:
Lord I thank you in advance for a blessed birth experience for M. T and her family. I pray that you will show her husband how his decision is impacting her and change his heart in this situation. Resolve it today, Lord, that she won't have to have this beautiful moment smeared by any family-related strife. Bless the situation, Lord. Allow M. to release it to your capable hands.

Amen

Clearly, this is NOT for your husband to decide. You need to tell him that. Tell him you will NOT have your family excluded and treated like 2nd rate citizens... and that this is THEIR grand-daughter too... and YOUR baby girl. YOU are the one giving birth after all....you want YOUR Mom there.
(If your husband fails to call them when you are in labor...tell the nurse to call for you.)

Some men, change when they have a baby... maybe your hubby is just getting territorial? BUT... make sure, that AFTER the baby is born, that he does not get more controlling....as his behavior is odd.
Some men also do get jealous over their baby and they get insecure or controlling... because THEY don't know how to handle having a baby.... they also think that they will get no attention anymore, from their wife or the rest of the family.
It is an immature and emotionally regressive behavior, in a man.

He is probably leaving your family out because he has a rudimentary and immature feeling of "this is MY baby, not yours" kind of attitude... and he probably does NOT want your family to "influence" the baby or to lay claim to it as their grandchild either. HE WANTS ALL CONTROL of the baby and for only HIS family to influence her etc. Some men, see a baby as a possession or an "object" and they don't want the in-laws to be a part of it.
Sorry, but right now, with the baby, your Husband is showing his "true colors" and attitude toward you AND your side of the family. It doesn't matter why... what DOES matter is:
1) how is this going to affect you and the baby after she is born?
2) how is this going to affect your ability to have YOUR family over to visit?
3)how is this going to impact how your baby is raised and by whom?
4) is your Husband going to respect YOUR wishes and child-raising approach for "your" baby?

The thing is, how come he is NOT explaining himself? Furthermore, he cannot get away with this... if he is "allowed" to control YOUR birth... then what else is he going to control? He is clearly NOT concerned about your feelings on this. He is showing he doesn't care.
IF he is insecure about all this... he needs to admit it... and perhaps, going to Parenting classes can help... one thing you do NOT want is a "possessive" Daddy over his daughter. Then where will you fit in?

I think, this does not bode well... he seems unable to adjust to having a baby or is showing his dis-taste for your family now. All his "negative" feelings and behavior is coming out now and he is showing his true colors. He is basically excluding your family AND you, in all this- even though you are pregnant with his baby.... he is still excluding you. He is treating you as a non-human... you don't have a vote in all this.

In the future, you NEED to tell your parents/family of ANY bad treatment he does to you... he is not acting normal and it all seems odd to me... he may try and isolate you even more later once the baby does come.

You need to put your foot down on this....
All the best,
Susan

Dear M., Well I was once told that my parents will always be my parents, and that my husband will change if our marrige doesn't. Your parents have the same right as his parents to be there. Maybe your parents know something about your husband that he doesn't want you to hear from your parents. It could be that he is jeleous of your parents and feels that they will take over at the hospital.But I would sugest that you have a heart to heart talk with hubby and try to make him understand that your parents are as important as his and you would like all four of them there for the birth of your child.
Good luck!
diorah:)

I think you should put your foot down because ultimately the people that are in that room are up to YOU. You can kick your husband out if you want to. I'm not saying that will be necessary or something you would want to do....just that you have the power so to speak. I say both sets of parents are IN or both are OUT. There is no other fair way to do it. Your husband will have to put aside his differences so YOU can feel comfortable on that big day. You will be able to call your mom when you go into labor, you just won't be able to talk long depending on how bad the contractions are. I think your husband is being absolutely selfish and if he gets his way here, he's going to try this game at everything else, like her 1st birthday party, etc. Nip it in the bud now and get to the bottom of it so it can be resolved. Tell him he's married to you AND your family comes as a package deal so he might as well find a way to make peace with whatever is bothering him. You might even end up having a scheduled birth/induction so there will be plenty of time to let everyone know what time to show up. If your husband is concerned only "4" people are allowed in or something like that then tell him you will be able to talk to the staff at the hospital about letting "6" in. The hospital has guidelines but they are willing to overlook them for births IF everyone is getting along well and you and the baby are doing okay. I feel really bad for you because THIS should be the LEAST of your worries. OF COURSE your parents should be as involved as you want them to be!

I find it interesting that you say "at the birth of MY daughter" and he says "at the birth of OUR daughter." Could it be that he feels a little shut out of this experience and is afraid that if your family is there he will lose a special moment of closeness between the two of you and your precious newborn?

Why can't there be a compromise? Why can't the family ALL wait outside until after the birth and then each set of grandparents can come in to bond after you and your husband have had quiet moments with your newborn?

Why exclude anyone...on this most special of days for your family? Your daughter will have many loving people to nourish her during her life and help you cherish her if they are not alienated now. Please sit down with your husband, really hear him out, let him tell you why he feels the way he does, and with love make some compromises that all can live with.

Is it that he doesn't want them in the room during the birth? If that is the case I do understand, because I do believe that it is private between the two of you. As for the waiting room situation, that is free to everyone. There are no invites or un-invites. That is just plain wrong. My daughter was my parents first grandchild and she was my husband's family's youngest grandchild. Everyone was there as it should be. I would hold your ground and get your family there!

Even if you have to fight for it, do not give in on this request. In my limited experience, men are frankly useless when it comes to the birthing process no matter how many classes they take beforehand. Your mother will be infinitely more helpful to you. This is your birth. His part in making this child came months ago. You have hard work ahead. If your husband won't honor your needs and requests now, how can you trust him to respect your needs and requests when you are in labor? Be strong. Take your mother with you. Have a safe and powerful birth. Best of luck!

If found this post slightly amusing, because it was the opposite for us. I didn't want anybody there. His mom was hurt especially since my sister-in-law had her in the room when she gave birth both times. But I figured it this way, I was the one who will be giving birth and possibly going through extreme pain for hours on end. It was nobody's decision except mine (and the doctors) who got to be in the room. I do agree with him that less in the hospital is better but this includes his side and your side to stay away. I know you don't want to cause added friction right before your birth. Instead of convincing him that your mom has to be there. Tell him that you agree with not wanting a crowd at the hospital and make it clear that you want only you, him, and the necessary hospital/medical staff. Or let him know that you will be calling your mom yourself if he chooses not to. (My hubby was in the field when I had to go to the hospital so I had to make phone calls myself). I don't recommend this because it could cause friction on the one day you will truly not be up for the battle. It could drive your stress level to high and cause complications. Best bet ban everyone, tell them they can see you/baby after you've given birth and have rested for a few hours afterwards.

Well first off, I get completely where you are coming from. The only difference is my family is nice my husband and my in laws are nice to me when he is around and mean to me when he isn't. First grandchild for both and his mom is very competitive over our son. Its ridiculous. BUT
The labor is all you. You will be the only one going through it. You feel the pain not anyone else. Speaking from personal experience talk to your husband about having your mom with you.validate his feelings of having it be just you guys but also tell him how important it is for you to have your mom. It doesn't take away from him... Once the baby is born he goes with the baby takes pictures makes sure the baby is okay and your mom can stay with you and help you..( I was left alone while his family went with him and the baby. I was alone for 5 min before the nurse came in to help me move to the next room. Gee thanks guys I'm okay too) if you don't you will feel regret. I wanted only my mom and husband with me but at the moment I was starting to push my mom was in the parking lot (feeling unwanted around HIS family) and I asked for her.... HIS mother came in to be with me. F*that I told her to get out. So it was just me and my husband. My mom was hurt beyond belief and so was I. I wanted my mom to help me as well as my husband.It was still beautiful but if it is important having your mom with you tell him. Compromise any way you can to make sure you are happy too.

Sorry if I sound bitter . My in laws have seriously caused me to have anxiety now...but I wish you all the luck and blessing in the world. You are blessed to have Two loving families. Your husband is probably feeling the pressure since you're so close and might be worried he'll be pushed aside

This does sound odd. Have you asked him if something happened between your parents/family and him? I say this because my husband and I were married for almost 5 years when we had my daughter. I thought I had a good relationship with my in-laws. Then my daughter arrived. My father-in-law attempted to stay in the delivery room when it was just to be my husband and me (we decided it would just be the two of us). Luckily my husband spoke up but it was kind of creepy as my father-in-law tried to hide in the corner. Not a moment I choose to share with my in-laws. They didn't give me privacy to nurse my daughter while in the hospital or really help me while my husband stepped out of the room. It was odd but just an example. Since then, I find it hard to see them the same and feel uneasy with them. It could be he never got along with them and this is a major event he doesn't want to share. You need to find out and put your foot down. If his family is there, then yours needs to be, especially for you. You may need to solve this now since once the baby arrives you will look to your mom for advice and comfort, as any daughter would. This may cause more friction between you and your husband since he may expect you to seek his mother for advice, etc. Good luck and I hope the best for you.

That is so unfair. You are the one who will go through the pain. You are more important than he is at this event. If you need your parents, especially your mom, with you, he needs to accept that.

Your husband should be allowed to invite exactly who he wants just as soon as he promises to carry a child for nine months, go into labor, and give birth to it. Good luck to him!

I would say that either both sets of parents should be there, or none. Frankly, its YOUR parents who should be there, you are the one who has to go through labor and birth and will need the emotional support, not him. It will be YOUR choice at the hospital, not his, you will be the patient and will be in charge. You could even exclude him if you wanted to! It seems to me that he is being very selfish and immature, maybe he is anxious about becoming a parent.

Dear M.,

What's the worst that could happen if you say "No?" Stop living in fear and stand up for your rights. This is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

M. T,

You have gotten many varying responses (good and bad), however, you may want to consider you and your husband meeting each other half way and each of you choose one individual to be there, not the whole town (extended family). Just a thought.

Your husband sounds like he wants this experience to be between you and him. The extended family can see the baby when you get home. The experience is special and the connections you and your husband will have are crucial at the moment of birth. Your baby will identify with you and your husband as the baby's father and mother. Allow him this, you and he can introduce the baby to his/her grandparents after you and your husband have bonded with your baby. Don't worry, he will allow the grandparents access after the event, this will not be a problem. Your parents and his should respect his request. Close family can be a good thing, however, it can also interfere with the initial bonding process your child will experience. As I said this is a special moment for you, your husband and your child. Don't be too upset if he wants this private moment, and don't deny him this private and special moment either. Your parents and his should appreciate this bonding process, and step back for your husband and yourself to enjoy this special miracle of life.

YOU are the one giving birth, so it's YOUR - AND ONLY YOUR - decision who gets to be present for the birth. Your husband is being ridiculous.

If you want to be really nice (nicer than I would probably be under the circumstances) how about a compromise - NO parents till after the birth, and if you need delivery room support, you hire a doula?

I don't know the whole story - and I don't want to stress you out more, but based on what you wrote here, you probably need to find a marriage counselor. This could be a sign of worse things to come after the birth of your child.

I hope that these issues get resolved and you have a beautiful birth,

He can control his family, he can't/won't/too polite/too whatever to control yours. I know a grandma who took over the birth of her grandson. She wasn't informed of the birth of the next 3 until after the fact. Not saying this is your Mom, but maybe hubby is afraid your Mom or family might take control? Doesn't sound like he has said anything negative to you about them, but if he is distancing himself from them, something is going on and he hasn't been able to bring himself to upset his new, pregnant wife with whatever troubles him about her family. Heck, they just might be a more rambunctious bunch than him (I know my family is the rambunctious bunch that makes our in-laws just shake their heads - my sis-in-law has said her Mom doesn't even want to be at Christmas with my family because she thinks we are embarrassing her with the amount of gifts we lavish on her grandchildren/our nephews & nieces - trust me, my generosity has nothing else to do with anyone other than my love for those kiddies. Obviously, my family doesn't faze my much loved sis-in-law.).

Just take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Tell him your family is coming to the hospital but you want to know what he fears will happen so you can work to keep this fear from coming true. Try to stay very calm during this conversation. Good wishes!

Hi M.,
Congrats on your pregnancy! Obviously, you have received some great advise. It really does all boil down to who YOU want in the room. It absolutely not ok to have his parents there and not yours. What kind of sense does that make?? NONE....Doesn't sound like he is being very supportive. And as the other mommas have said, you really need to put your foot down. He'll get over it. My husband didn't want anyone in the room either, but I wanted my sister. I just told him that this is my decision not his and that was it. So, that is the way it went, and it worked out great. But, having your family at least in the hospital is very important to you, so that should be important to your husband. That is the bottom line. You should make that call to your family when you are in labor...not AFTER the baby is born. That's just stupid. I hope this all works out for you, and you have a smooth labor. Motherhood is the most unbelievably wonderful thing you will ever go through!
Good luck!

I am so sorry for your troubles, it is so hard when couples disagree. My advice is to speak candidly with your husband and explain that it is just as important that your family be there. My husband insisted that we have our daughter without my family there and i foolishly said yes. She is 18 mos old now and I regret that decision greatly. If we are blessed with another i know that if I want my family there this time, I will not allow my husband to override what i need to be happy. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do not stand up to your husband now. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

In my opinion you need to tell him that the stress is not good for the baby. I would tell him it is not okay to treat your mom this way. If his family can come so can yours.

You can bring your cell phone with you. As soon as you know you are in labor, make it a point to call your parents. Tell your husband he has no choice. Also tell him that you will have EVERYONE banned from the hospital room and from seeing the baby if he continues his childish ideas. Tell him you will call your parents before you call him. They can take you to the hospital and he can be called later if he wants to be an a$$. This is a sign of a more serious problem. He needs to get over it or you should threaten to divorce him. Not because you should put your family first, but because he should put you first and that means respecting your parents and your need for them to be there.
LET ME REWORD: TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO KISS YOUR A$$ AND THAT HE HAS NO CHOICE! HE IS A JERK AND IS BEING A CONTROLLING, ABUSIVE HUSBAND AND THAT YOU WILL DIVORCE HIM IN AN INSTANT IF HE THINKS HE CAN CONTROL YOU.

Do you have a warm enough relationship that you can share how your feeling with his mom? Perhaps she can help with the situation. Your feelings of hurt and rejection are totally understandable and if your husband truly means this is about "our family" your feelings, wishes and family would be taken into equal consideration.

if it were me i would simply tell him that it is my body and whomever i want at the birth will be there. my aunt came to my youngest sons birth after we had discussed her not being there she was staying with us to help out with the other kids and when i was in labor i changed my mind. she was there and i am grateful she was. good luck with the birth.

My husband is a very loving and helpful man, husband and father. However, I can not imagine how my birthing experiences would have been without my Mother by my side. She was far more helpful than he. Not because he didn't care to be wonderful and helpful, just because she knew what was happening and how to comfort me.
Neither of our fathers cared to be in the room as I gave birth and that was fine with me. But both of our mothers were there.

I hate to say this but you absolutely have to put your foot down on this one and let him know that your mother will be there and that is not negotiable. Tell him that you need her support as well as his. Make sure he gets that this is about you... not him or even the baby.
He sounds controlling. You need to be careful because after the baby comes there are going to be many decisions to be made in the coming months and years and you need to have a voice. Good luck!

Hi M.

You are in an intense situation. There has got to be an underlining meaning behind your husbands feelings. It is very selfish of him to put you in that situation . especially given this is the first grandchild. I would step up to the plate and tell him to suck it up. This is a celebration and all feelings should be put aside. I would tell him he has no choice, your mom has every right to be there especially if you want her there! There would be no way I would allow that to happen. It's either everyone or no one at the hospital! HE does bot have any control of who shows up anyway. So sad that he has already prejudged who he wants to be part of your daughters life. By the way, you could call your mom, I went into labor and had some time to call....congrats and good luck to you.

Your husband can deliver the next baby and have whatever he wants. This time, since YOU are having the baby, you call the shots!

When you have a baby it really is all about the mama and she should have her birth experience be exactly what she hopes for. You aren't going to do this a bunch of times, (and you can only have one first baby!) so your husband needs to understand that he doesn't get to do this to you. He may be the dad, but you are the one that will be going through labor and you are ENTITLED to have everyone you want there with you. It's selfish for him to not allow you all the help, love and support you can get. Not to mention the stress he is causing you, which is not healthy for you or the baby. From your mother's standpoint - you are HER baby, and she deserves to be there too!! You need to tell him to stop being so selfish and let you be the focus for a minute. I hate to break it to him, but once that little one gets here he wont be the center of attention ever again!

I wish you a happy and healthy delivery!

Honeslty you really need to put your foot down. I think it is horrible that your husband would try to put you in this situation. You should not have added stress to what should be a beautiful time in your life. Your mother should be there especially since this is your first child. What will happen if you agree to his request and regret it forever. Why should his parents be allowed and not yours? Your husband sounds very controlling and if you allow him to control you in this way he will think that it is normal and possibly to try to control you even more. I would never agree to something that i wasnt comfortable with. Best of luck.

Hey M.,

Believe me, I know what you are going through. Been married to my husband for 19 years and we still argue about my "family"! The truth is they are what I call, "selfish"!!What they fail to realize is, that before he came, there was your family, who made, shaped you and helped you become who you are now. Supposely, thats what he fell in love with. I could truly understand if they were a financial or even a emotional burden but it doesn't sound like it. My advise to you, stand your ground...this is a special day for all involved and he needs to learn to share your special occassions. They only come once in a lifetime and can never be shared again. My reasoning to my husband, is who knows, tomorrow he'll turn around and leave me and here I am allinated from my family because I gave up the one thing that is important to me for him. A relationship is underestanding, respecting and sharing and defiantely not trying to control the things that are important to you. So ask him to stand in your shoes for a minute and understand that this is what you want and if he loves you the way he say he does, he'll have no problem with it. My prays are with you and your special day......Good luck

V.
____@____.com

I'm not clear if by 'at the birth of my daughter' you mean actually in the labor and delivery room or just at the hospital, in the waiting room. If you mean at the hospital, in the waiting area, nobody can stop anybody from going there.
If you mean in the delivery room, I'm surprised you want a man other than your husband seeing you naked, pushing the baby out (i.e. father in law??). Before I put in my 2 cents, let me ask you a couple of questions first. Your answers to these questions should decide your course of actions. Was your mom at your wedding? How involved was she in the whole process? Now, visualize your wedding day but without your mom's presence. How painful is that? The birth of your daughter is even more of an emotionally packed day than your wedding (not to mention the physical exertion you will be going thru). Can you forgive yourself for not doing everything you can to make sure she is a part of it all?
I don't know the dynamics of your marriage, so I will not theorize as to what's going on in your hubby's mind. I suspect is the possessive and controlling type and that he makes most of the decisions and you just go along with whatever he says. If this is true, it's a tough battle for you for this one case and more so for the coming future. You need to decide when you want to tell him that you are the other half of the decision making process and nothing is set in stone until you are both satisfied with a decision. Good luck to you. And congratulations on your baby.

I only had to read a few sentences to tell you to reconsider being married to this person . Read your email again to yourself then ask yourself why am I with a person that would be so selfish? It's only going to get harder from here and if these are the kind of issues you have now, you and your husband will never survive parenthood.

Put a stop to this now! FIrst he bans your family from the birth, next it's birthday parties and holidays. Let him know they WILL be there, they are family! He is NOT your boss. This is your baby too and YOU are the one giving birth. This is YOUR desicion. DO not let him bully you or this will only be the beginning.
Congratulations and enjoy every bit of this. If he chooses not to enjoy it, that will be his loss.

Seriously, you do know it's about you and your comfort, right? I would not want my in-laws present while I was all in pain, sweaty, grunting, pushing, I mean - they will see body parts that only your husband and your doc should be aware of... and that your mom has already seen. I've had 5 kids, my mom was at all births regardless of the situation, I needed my mom and that was that - I would encourage you to take care of yourself that day, and if your husband isn't on board with that (taking care of you - that means your feelings too), then it's ok, at least you'll have your mom with you. Forget the crowd, have everyone else wait in the lobby. BTW - your husband sounds really immature (sorry, but he does), I think you need some help figuring out where your communication problems are in your marriage because your new baby will need you guys to start putting each other first (well, him -sounds like you're already doing a good job of that) because if you don't she will be the one to suffer for it in the end. My wise mommy says that you need to be a couple first before you can be parents, that is so very true. My husband have recently gotten help (our pastor) with our communication and needs and it has done us a world of good - I can't recommend that enough. Good luck!

I agree that you are giving birth and therefore should decide who is in the room. My mother held my hand for both my c-sections. My husband was there too, but she held my hand. He was a nervous wreck so he did the photo shooting so he could move around. Never would have sat to hold my hand. So glad my mom was there!

But as for your husband's mysterious behavior, I wonder if something happened between your husband and your parents that you don't know about? Perhaps they said something that upset him and he never shared it with you. You might ask him, and that might answer the puzzle.

Congratulations on your baby!

M.,
I am sorry, but your husband is being completely unreasonable, selfish and childish and you need to FIRMLY put an end to it.
Tell him he is absolutely right; the birth of your first child and his/your parents first grandchild is an event that deserves to be shared and celebrated by all of you, as well as the birth of all your children, as all births are an amazing miracle of (life, nature, God, whatever you choose to beleive).
DO NOT let him rob this from you or your parents. Stand firm.
Also, note that this being your first child, you are likely (though nothing is for sure) to have a LOOONG labor. As soon as you "think" you're in labor and you are timing your contractions at a steady rate, even if far apart, call your mom--believe me, HE will be grateful that your mom is there when you're in deep labor!
Don't let this stress you out. Be open, honest and firm. Tell your husband that this is not negotiable or open to discussion, you want your parents, in-laws and him there, period.
Good luck and many blessings to you and yours!
K.

M.,

I'm sorry your husband is being so insensitive and yes, cruel. I'm sure by now, you've heard that the birth/labor is really about YOU- yes, he's the father and should definitely be involved, but ultimately it is your decision about who you want there. You're the one going through all that physical pain, and if he refuses you the right to have the emotional support you want there, it will be that much more painful.

You DO NOT need to rely on him to call your mom!!! As soon as you get off the phone with your doctor or as soon as the decision is made to head to the hospital, you pick up that phone and let your mom know that it is starting. (Yes, this may cause an issue with him if he doesn't want them there, but then if he was only worried about it being you two, he wouldn't be having his own family there.)

I wish you luck and hope that he comes around. This should be a time of notihng but JOY for the both of you, but it seems his pettiness is taking away from it.

PS
I started reading some of your other responses and, it seems, that most readers understood that you want your husband, in-laws, and parents in the room duirng the actual birth. I just took it as that they're there during the laboring part- mostly in the waiting room and occassionally coming by to say hello and to lend moral support. My in-laws were there at my first daughter's birth, but at the moment of her birth- only my husband and mother-in-law were there. (I honestly didn't want her there. Not out of modesty necessarily- I didn't even feel the need to have my own mother there- I just didn't have the heart to tell her to leave. In retrospect, I'm glad I said nothing, because she never had any daughters of her own and I'm not sure if she was allowed at her other daughters-in-law's birthing rooms.) As for you, you do whatever you're comfortable with- you do not need anyone to tell you who should or should not be there during your labor and/or birth.

Okay, lots of responses that ALL make perfect since! I have been married 2x's. The first child w/H1, my mother was there, and I am glad, he did not want her there, and pitched a fit, but in the delivery room he was "absent" absolutly no help...12 hours of labor and he was worried about what he could eat and watch on t.v....etc. he did NOT like my family for what ever reasons.(was fine before marriage, not after!)..ended up VERY abusive, more mental than physical, but did end up isolating ALL my friends and family! We did Divorce after 3rd child...any ways, this is a HUGE time for BOTH of you. Really try to figure out why he is behaving this way. It might be helpful if your relationship w/his mom is good to confide in her to see her perspective, maybe you missed something. But that is HER son, so unless she is very open, it will be sided. Good luck, you have a big decision to make, but there is no reason YOU can not call the "list" when the time comes, Usually w/the first one, it is quiet a while before he/she arrives.
Take time to breath and enjoy this bit of time the two of you have left ALONE!! Maybe he just needs some reassurance that HE is your MAIN support system and is VERY important to you. and having a back up to do the little things, so he can focus on you ;) would be nice! (might simply be jealous of you and your moms relationship, men don't understand these things)

if he refuses to discuss with you why they can't come, then refuse to let his family come. tell him its not fair to shut out your side while allowing his side to come. and trust me, when you go into labor, especially with your first, YOU WILL have enough time to call your mother personally, which i suggest you do if you expect her to come. leaving it up to him will result in negative, trust me. my ex (and this was one of the big reasons he is my ex) was rude and unaccepting of my family, and resented my parents coming to our daughter's birth. when i requested my mother stay for a couple days to help me (i was only 19 and scared to death) because she lived 4 hours away, he agreed and just basically ignored her the whole time she was there. needless to say, his actions opened up my eyes about who he really was and we didn't even make it a year past that. all i'm saying is that you should really consider what is motivating this behavior and if he's unwilling to yeild, either demand that his parents stay away also or just call your mom anyway. i did, and i don't regret letting my mother be by my side for a minute!!!!

I am very puzzled by your husband's actions toward your family - I can't make sense of it either and I am sorry this is happening, but I would recommend that you set a time to talk to your husband about this and speak to him lovingly and respectfully. I would not take a commanding or domineering attitude (the way some of these responses sound). I don't think that is an appropriate way to deal with someone you love, least of all your husband, who greatly values your admiration and respect. It is true that the labor should be about you and what you need, but there are kind and effective ways to get that point across. If you have taken a childbirth class together, that should be very helpful. One thing that was really emphasized to us in our childbirth class was to think of how you (the mom) deal with pain and discomfort. Do you need to be alone? Are you comforted by the presence of certain people? Do you like music? Do you want it quiet? Do you want to be touched? Or do you need all hands off? (this can change too during the process of labor) You don't have control of all of those things with a hospital birth, but you have control over many of them, and I hope that your husband can understand that you need certain things in place to assist you in a healthy delivery.

I knew that for me, I wanted my husband with me, and my mom. I was terrified of labor the first time around and the thought of having my mom there gave me a great deal of comfort. My husband was the best birth coach ever and I hardly even knew my mom was there, but it still gave me great comfort leading up to the event and when labor first started. Talk to your husband about that. Take some time to think about what you need to be comfortable in this experience and try to explain that to your husband. My husband does not always empathize very well (I think that is difficult for many men to grasp) but he was very much interested in my health, our baby's health, and the best possible outcome.

If you haven't already, I would ask him to help you understand his decision and why he only wants his family there. This is sort of a "feelings" type of issue, and my husband and I always have difficulty communicating about feelings, but maybe he can help you understand and that will give you some insight into where he is coming from and you can go from there.

I hope that you can decide together who you want to have there with you when you deliver. If it is just an issue of not having too many people at the hospital, maybe you can agree on a certain number of people to have there(and let them know before-hand), and everyone else can come to the house later.

I wish you the best!

I'm sooo sorry this is happening to you at what should be a VERY exciting time in your life. You have every right to want your mother in the delivery room with you. I can't help but look at the bigger picture. The sentence that stuck out to me the most in your request was "He seems to be jealous that everyone is so excited about the baby coming." I believe this may have a lot to do with it. This should be an exciting time for your husband not a jealous time. There may have always been a problem there but now all the excitement about the baby brought it to the surface. Again, you have every right to want to share this special moment with your family & many more moments to come. Ask your mom to be there & just plan on her being there. Try not to get anxiety over this it's not good for you or your baby. (I know easier said than done.) I feel for you & you'll be in my thoughts & prayers. Take care of yourself : )

I've never been in this situation but I would tell him how important it is to you to have your parents at the birth as well as his and ask him why he feels the need to alienate your family when they've always been kind to him. I would say either both sets of parents are there or we truly make it about 'our' family and leave out both sets of parents. If he is still unwilling then I would ask him if he has truly thought about your feelings and that you need/want to share this wonderful event with your family as well as his. What would his reaction be if you invited your family to come? I mean would he ask them to leave? He really has no right to tell you that you can't have your family there as well.

Definitely something weird is going on where he says that his parents are considered "family" but yours are not. And that sounds like a bigger issue, which you may or may not want to get into right now.

For the more immediate issue though of making sure that your family is in the delivery room with you, one easier excuse is to say that you want your mom there because you need someone who has actually gone through the experience of labor, which he could not. And given how earthy, messy and explicit the birth process is, it's not crazy to say that you're less comfortable with his mom seeing you totally naked than your own.

No, no, no, no, no!! OK, if your husbands desire was NO FAMILY at the birth, just you two, then I'd have to side with him or at least tell you to meet somewhere in the middle. BUT, he gets to have his family and you don't? You are the one giving BIRTH!!! You need to put your foot down on this one for sure! There HAS to be a reason besides him not wanting too many people. If that is the case, than you each get to bring one or two people. Please let us know how this turns out. But deal with it today, because if he "wins", then you and maybe your family will be very resentful down the road. Both sets of parents aren't too much to be present for a birth.
Best wishes!
M.

I didn't read all your responses. But here is my two cents.

I would first talk to your hubby about why he doesn't want them their. It's more then being to crowded. If that's the issues then no family can come. I'm wondering if your mom is to motherly. Meaning that he is affraid she will take over his responsibilities. We sometimes do that without thinking of others. But if he has been weird around her lately then something was sad to make him fill this way and you need to clear it up. Once you have talked to him and got things straight of what you both want, then call those you want in the room and have a dinner party then explain that you both wanted to go over the hospital rules so that no-one is stepping over boundries. Remember this is your first and you don't have a clue what to expect or how you will deal with this. It is no-ones business but yours when it comes to drugs or no drugs. No one else is experiencing your pain but you. Make that clear to all before your their. Let them know that you are aware things might change when your their. But that they need to ask you or your spouse whether they can do something or not. Otherwise you both have the right to dismiss them from the room for the birth. This is simply so no-one is stepping over your (you and hubbys)baby experience. I think if everyone knows how you both feel then they can respect your wishes. If they don't like this attitude then they shouldn't be their at all. You didn't need them to creat this baby you don't need them to bring it into the world. This is a golden moment miracle. You simply don't want it ruined by arguments. Most likely your hubby won't care who is doing what and will be greatful for the help. I wanted no one but us. But looking back my hubby really didn't do anything to make things better for me. He just sat their waiting for the finally. It's a good thing all 3 of mine where born in 3 hours of total labor. One hour at the hospital with the 1st and 3rd. Which is taken up by changing clothes, getting on monitors and being checked for dialating status, being a 6 with the 1st and 8 with the 3rd. The 2nd child we induced after contractions stopped on her delivery date, but it was still 3 hours.

I wish you the best and a fast delivery. May God help you to fix this problem fast. J.

I think you nailed it when you said, "jealous." He is jealous of your family, and especially your mom. Way in the back of his head, he worries that you love her more than you love him. In his mind, when you got married you became part of his family, so when he says, "just family" and leaves yours out, that doesn't seem like a contradiction to him. He may feel that considering himself a part of your family is disloyal to his parents.

Men are no good at talking, and they REALLY struggle to explain feelings, so he'll never be able to really tell you what he's thinking. You'll have to tell him what YOU'RE thinking. That means no hints, no efforts to get him to agree or understand, just TELL HIM what you need. If you need your family there, it's not negotiable. He may get angry, defensive, argumentative or depressed and withdrawn, but you need to stand up for what YOU need. Tell him that either both sides of the family are there, or neither side are. Your side of the family is where YOU get to make the choices.

Congratulations, good luck, and don't let anything ruin your enjoyment of this wonderful time! :)

It may be that he is jealous of the relationship that your family has together and the upbringing you had. Have you talked to him about how he has changed and asked him why? Tell him it is unacceptable and that how would he like it if you treated his family that way. Maybe you should just so he can see what he is doing. Tell him as many people from his family he has at the birth you will also have, after all you are the one giving birth and need the support more then him and who better then you husband and mom and at this point he has not been very supportive so you need your mom. Best of luck.

Hi M.,

I would have to say put your foot down as well, i know its hard because you want to make him happy as well but what about you, you are going to be in labor not HIM!!!

Your Mom has to be there. its such a special time in your life,mom needs to be there. Trust me having your mom there is so supportive. That baby is yours too you have the right to make that call. Call your mom and have her there. Its so unfair to you not to have your family, if they have done nothing to him, why this reaction? Sorry to say but he does not sound all that great, why do this to you now when you are pregnant with his baby. So sorry hun!! hang in there and be a strong women for that baby.

Take care,

E. ;)

No offense to your husband, but he should be your birthing support, not the one who decides who will be in the room. YOU are the one who needs to be comfortable in your birth surroundings. If you feel strongly about having the support of your family and sharing the experience with them, then be firm. You only have one shot to make this experience what you want.

Hi M.,

My initial gut instinct was to get mad at your husband, but then I thought about it and tried to see things from his side. This is only a guess, but maybe he wants to be your birthing coach and have it be a special experience for just the two of you? Maybe he knows he can ask his parents to wait in the waiting room, but isn't sure that would be the case with yours? You should definitely be able to choose who you want at your side, but perhaps consider that your husband might feel hurt and think that YOU think he's not good enough for the job. Perhaps you could try validating his feelings and asking him if he would like to be the main coach but have all the future grandparents in the waiting room until the baby is born? That way if he needs a break or suddenly finds it overwhelming by himself, someone can be there to help, not just you, but also HIM! God bless all of you and may you have a safe birth and a healthy baby!

-E.

I know that this is a time for you and your husband to celebrate your child's birth BUT you are the one doing all the work and who you are comfortable with in the room should be up to you! I had my mom sister and mother in law in the room with me and other family members from his side wanted to come in and I said no. They can come see the baby after they were born. I would just tell him if he wants his family in the room then yours will be in there too otherwise his won't be invited.

I would try to find out why the change of feelings towards your family.

Maybe you guys can come to a compromise? Like having both Moms in the delivery room and the rest of the family waits outside.

I would tell him how much it means for you to have your family there. And how comforting it would be to you, the person delivering the baby and going through labor, to have them there. Your delivery day is ALL about YOU and the BABY. So you need to do whatever makes you feel happy, comfortable and secure.

Could it be that your hubby is getting jealous of all the attention you and baby are getting and just wants his family there to get attention?

To be blunt, the only response I would have here is that this is your child and you are the one who is going to be dealing with being in labor and all that comes with it. The second you feel anything, call your family and also instruct the hospital that your family is to be allowed in to see you regardless of what your husband says. Since you are the one to be admitted to the hospital, you are the only one who has a say legally in who is there and who isn't. If you're husband won't bend on it, then do what you have to so you have what you need, namely your mom. I'm not saying this will be easy or that there won't be backlash from your husband, but it's up to you and only you in the end.

My other thought is that you should keep on your husband about why he is acting this way. Did something happen that offended him and he hasn't told anyone? Can't be resolved if no one knows about it... No other rational reason for his behavior comes to mind.

Lastly, the best thing for you and baby, if possible, is to make a decision on your course of action for possible scenarios when you go into labor. If you think about how it could play out and decide that in this situation I will do this, and in this situation I will do that, then it could help ease your stress level. (worked for me) At least you have a clear idea of what you will do. You cannot control other people's actions or reactions, but you can control yourself and how you react. Having at least that feeling of control should help out with some of your stress.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this in what should be a wonderful time of anticipation, but just remember you are strong enough to deal with whatever happens. Best wishes!!!

Why have anxiety over this, tell him to bad he is not the one carrying the child for the past nine months, tell his mother that you would like her to call your mom when you go into labor and to get to the hospital to be with you. I would also let her know how stupid and crazy your husband is about this. Or even better don't tell him of your plans and just speak with your mother in law in confidence.
Come on this is not 1800's and you do have a say. It is almost ridiculous, if my husband would have said that to me I would have laughed in his face how stupid it is. You may be all emotional because you are preggo but come on get some cajones and tell him to go *** himself.
Sorry if I am so verbally strong on this matter but no man will tell me who they want to be in the hospital when your the one with your legs in the air trying to push out a child. If your mother in law is so great and you have a good relationship with her she will agree and do as you say if not then I would not want her there either.
TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!