I Have NO Desire

I feel like you are talking about me! We have moved three times since the kids came along and all three times were far from any family. We are new to Atlanta (one month.) I have an almost 6 and 3 year old and the amount of time in between each encounter with my husband is very long! I do not have the desire for many reasons....kids constantly touching and hanging on me, exhaustion, a loss of confidence in my body shape, etc. I agree with other posters that date night would probably help, but that is easier said then done when you don't know anybody in the area! You can try date night at home....let the kids eat dinner, get them ready and in bed, and then have a special dinner and movie at home for just the two of you. And, remind you husband that desire would be greater if there was a lot of touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing through out the day and not just when sex was wanted. Touch is a powerful thing!

Welcome to Mommy Land of Moms with young children. Believe it or not, you are in the Normal population. This is the case with most moms of little kids. The sad part is the husbands just do not get it......
What I would suggest is something I once was told... "Schedule it." Actually write it on the calender. The symbol could be a swirly sign, fireworks, !!!!. Whatever tickles your fancy. First explain to your hubby that you are physically and emotionally tired but still do love him. Explain that 98% of women feel this same way. Tell him that you will make it an effort to spend time with him but you need a little something in return. Tell him on Fireworks night, that you need to keep dinner very simple, that you need him to help you pick up and clean up and that he has to equally help put the kids to bed. Tell him that is your foreplay. Then once you get the kids tucked in, tuck yourself in for 20 minutes (that is all it takes) lol... Then you both will be happy. See if you schedule it, then you can mentally prepare yourself and that is half the battle for new moms. If you know it is coming, you will look more forward to it. If you can get your hubby on board, tell him that each night prior to fireworks night that you need him to bring you home just something a little special. I do not care if it is a 30 cents cookie from the grocery store or a hand of wild flowers that he picked from the side of the road. Tell him to drop you a few spicy text and this too will play emotional games with you and help build up your flame for fireworks night. Just know you are totally in the majority; just most do not talk about it in the open. Try it and see if it works... ;)

Hi BC,

Sometimes a lack of desire is simply your body telling you something. Healthy young women desire sex. I take a multivitamin that is guaranteed to absorb and I have more energy now (at 52) than I did at 35....Nutrition plays a key in everything. If you are eating well and even taking a vitamin, then something is stopping the nutrition from getting to where it is supposed to be. This is the most common and the simplest problem to fix. If you want any info, please PM me and I can get you all you want. I'm sure it will help tons...

God bless,

M.

I was just like you, and I almost caused the end of my marriage. Men get action, not talk, so you can tell him you love and desire him, but every time you turn him away he feels you are lying to him, because if you did love and desire him, than you would desire to be with him. If you keep this up you will push him away. I am not saying one has to always say yes, we do have a right to be tired, but you can not always say no and expect him to just accept that as ok.
When you do say yes, even when you do not feel that desire, do you end up having a good time?

Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands". Some of it may seem outdated, but the simple concepts she points out are things too many woman have forgotten in todays society. Ideas like the fact that we do not stop being wives when we become mothers, and that if we always put our men last, they may very well leave. We treat our men like they do not matter, like we can get around to them later, if and when we feel like it, but we know full well that if they treated us that way we would never stand for it. I have also found that when it comes to sex, the more you have it, the more you want it. Sex really is a very important part of a healthy relationship, especially to men.

Some may speak out against this book, saying it degrades woman, but that is not true at all. In fact, I have found that most of those who say it is a bad book, have not read it, and are simply going off of what they have heard. It does have some old fashioned ideas in it, but as with anything, you take what works and leave what does not. I have used some of her concepts recently, and the results have been amazing. My husband now showers me we love and respect, and affection, and all I had to do was make a few small changes in the way I treated and related to him.

I would suggest two things:
1) Communicate with him that you would love to make love to him but that you feel exhausted. Ask him for suggestions and really listen to what he says with an open mind. For what it's worth, a man thinks sex is a way to relax. When he asks for sex, he is thinking of you too (and not just his needs). He loves you and wants to help you. He sees you are stressed out and in his mind, sex is killing two birds with one stone. Even just thinking of it that way helps me to remember that he loves me when he wants to have sex with me.

2) Stop trying to be a super hero. Get a babysitter. Spend some time finding people who can support you and your family. You can't do it alone. Yes, you can try and you will exhaust yourself. Being able to say you managed your family all by yourself may feel good when you say it but it SUCKS in reality. Let some of the house stuff go. Nothing has to be that clean. Get rid of stuff that is causing clutter. Get rid of the million items of clothing to limit laundry time. Enlist the 4 year old to help clean up toys in the house. Make the kids have quiet time during the day and take a nap when they do. Being a martyr sounds cool until you realize those people died. LOL! I'm joking with you but seriously, this is your life too.

Here's another book idea...

http://www.healthhouse.co.nz/womanhood%20book%20secrets%2...

I am soooo NOT an old-fashioned type woman, but this book actually has some good ideas.

Good luck to you!

I think you should go to you doctor and get your hormone levels, thyroid, and anything else that could be making this a physical problem checked. I had a friend with twins who thought her exhaustion was from the twins. Turns out she has MS.
So rule out any physical cause first. If you're fine physically, then I think you've got lots of great suggestions here. It also seems to me that your husband isn't truly listening to you. Maybe have him read these responses.

Yes, normal...I would have loved if my husband would have been sweeter and cuddlier to me, just to feel them "close" emotionally works wonders for our desire...too often men are detached from mommy-land and have (or seem to have) no clue on how we feel. I might add that I also resented my husband because he did not get him by himself but it had to be me to tell him how I felt, it was like: "are you idiot? how come you don't realize what I have been sucked into?", so I guess anger was part of it, for me. I don't know, I justr think men should step up and be more sensitive to this issue, I am just tired of "feeding" them clues or direct information about the way I may feel in a certain situation..they are adults and (supposedly) smart just like us, so in my opinion there's no excuse to "not" feel what goes on in a mommy's life...they are there with us, or aren't they? Do they have a tongue, a brain, a soul? Can they talk, think and feel? YES they can, so, please "Hubby",grow up and make me feel like you are involved in this too, not just with the house chores. I may be unpopular with this response but I just think man and woman are equals and when change happens (especially to one of them) the other one should definitely step up. You are smart, you love me,you see me struggling, then help me, find a way. There are so many resoruces out there now for a man to KNOW EXACTLY how a new mother feels about sex. Perhaps you can find magazines or articles dedicated to the matter or even have him read these posts...it has to click somewhere!!! Good luck.

I felt the same way. Having a 6,3 and 1 year old hanging onto your ankles all day. But after telling him how I felt, (more like sceaming) and leaving the house, he pretty much got the hint. When I got back a few hours later, he had them in bed (without a bath and same clothes they had on) the house was cleaned (everthing was in the dirty clothes, including some dishes) and he made dinner (pizza hut). But since then, everyweek we have date night, he goes grocery shopping with me and he carpools the kids to soccer. Somehow sex made its way back into our lives, and now 8 years later if visits often. It will get better. Let them know how you feel and if they help the desire will come back. You too have to make the effort.

I have a 7 and 3 yr old, get up 3x/night and work full-time -- I can feel your exhaustion:) But for me, sex is like exercise... you "dread" it but once you're done you feel awesome:) I read romance novels and fantasize to get in the mood, and really liked the ideas below to help with time and energy -- foreplay with thought:) I also "trade sit" with another couple so we can have some adult-time without cost, and make day-dates as well for spice.

You have the will and drive to make it work for you and good luck:)

As we get older our Progesterone levels go down causing the desire to decrease as well. Arbonne has two great natural balancing creams that will help help with this. Having a 4 year old will take it's toll on you for sure but most times it is our hormones. I can send you information on Arbonne's Balancing Cream if you would like please private message me and I can email more info and I will give you my web site and other contact info too. Don't think you are alone everyone goes through this.
Kay

Have you told him any of this? Communication goes a long way and he can't read your mind. If you need more affection and help around the house, tell him.

We have to stop thinking about it as another chore. Think about the first time you two did it. Think about the most awesome feeling. Be creative, don't just settle. This is your life, During the day or while he is working think of all those things you have always wanted to do with him. Straighten up the house, play with the kids and plan in your head how you are going to seduce him, for your pleasure. Not his. The seduction can happen the minute he walks in the door, or better when you talk to him on the phone, little sexy hints, nothing big. It can start before he leaves for work with a long passionate kiss.This will help get you in the mood to accomplish the things during the day. You are in charge of how you want things to be.
Children whose parents are happy and intimate are taught how to have a relationship. When they see mommy and daddy smiling clearing the table together sets a good example to follow. Dress up for yourself, put on makeup, look in the mirror and know this is what you want. and go for it.

Did you write this question or did I? I am a SAHM to a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old and the 4 yr old wakes me up almost every night and I am TIRED! In the evenings by the time I get them to bed I just want to sit and relax and watch TV! It's pretty bad when the cat jumps in my lap wanting to be pet and I say "Oh you too?" I am completely attracted to my husband but he knows that sometimes I am just exhausted. Not to be gross but sometimes I take care of him so he can relax and get some sleep and so can I!!! That makes our time together more like a special occasion on Sunday afternoons when the kids are napping or sometimes in the middle of the night we'll wake up after I've slept a bit and am not so tired. Date nights are a wonderful idea. We've just started a babysitting co-op with some people in our neighborhood and their church. We watch all the kids one Saturday night and then we get to have dates the next 3 Saturday nights. So far we've only had one date but it was so nice! We look forward to another one this Saturday. It really is important to connect with each other and look in each other's eyes instead of running past each other in the evenings. Sometimes my husband and I will say to each other "you look familiar - have I seen you here before?" I will also say "you're cute - what's your name? ;)" We've been married for 10 years and you do have to be intentional about keeping the flame lit especially when so many things, duties, etc can easily extinguish it. I see that you are from Milner. My niece lives there and she attends Friendship Baptist Church on Hwy 41 I think. It is a really neat church and you could really connect with other couples and possibly create a babysitting co-op of your own. Anyway I wish you and I both and our hubbies all the best getting through this VERY challenging time in our lives!!!

Glad it's not just me. My hubby has no interest either, though. Wish I could offer advice, but we haven't had sex since I got pregnant and the baby turned 1 last week!

Wait ......... you mean, with two children, both under the age of 5, operating on near-zero sleep, living away from any sort of family support, you DON'T want to fling your beloved on the ground and bang his brains out?????!!!! What's WRONG with you woman?!

Truthfully BC, unless you are a robot, and a well-rested robot at this, there is NOTHING you write about that any of us cannot relate to.

What you might want to investigate is the possibility of a neighborhood sitter who can give you two a night out once in a while. I find this to be tremendously welcome when I have just reached my limit. Not that I am a sex machine either, but these kinds of interludes are a whole lot more likely when I am not virtually comatose.

All my best to you!

E.

Yes been there done that...seeking a gyn that will test me for hormone level problems looking forward to being me again since right now it's just a memory.

Suggest you consider getting hormones checked and by a doctor that specializes in it. What you are going thru is normal but so is being your ol' self again having a desire. Making time and finding a sitter, you're not too old yet try to make time for you and him 12 years together or not.

I too have now found a sitter, getting the doctor and trying to be the me I loved and hoping to re cap what I had before

I just responded to tis question, and there's lots of helpful advice here as well:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/16316729118894981121

You need a weekly date night. I felt EXACTLY this way before and some couples counseling worked miracles!

One thing our counselor told us, was that "men are like microwaves, woman are like ovens... they need to be preheated all day.. sometimes even days in advance!" I believe the average number of touches a woman needs is 13 a day before her body can get worked up. That can be anything simple like holding hands, placing a hand on the back of your neck... just simple, thoughtful gestures.

So, when a women feels exhausted and under appreciated, she does not have that desire or ability to even become turned on. And resentful feelings can have it when you agree to have sex, and you aren't enjoying it or in the mood for it.

That means he needs to gently talk to you help you out, take you on dates... all week long, and you need to feel valued again, and allow yourself to acknowledge that he still desires and appreciates you.

Also, get a little toy to play around with that could bring some excitement back.

Please, same thing happened to me and it was because of my thyroid and postpartum. Go to the dr. you would be surprised how different you'll feel. Took me six months to feel completely right again but now i am tired with 3 kids but the friskiness is back ;)

You may want to go to a website called exceptionalmarriages.com hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. They also can direct you or advise you to counseling as needed.
Make sure you have your priorities in order... God, spouse, children, other family, friends, community. I say this from experience. The greatest gift we can give our children is to love our spouse. Sex is only a part of how we are able to express love for each other. Communication is important. Another great investment would be to do a marriage encounter weekend when you can arrrange for family to be in town. It is so easy to take one another for grant. Remember often that your spouse is a gift and when you enjoy sexual intimacy you are renewing your marriage vows to each other. Keep God in the center of your love always.
God Bless!

I remember feeling just like you do, and it will take a bit of work on both your part and your husband's, but it's worth it down the line. Plan for an evening together by saving up for a babysitter. which you may find by asking neighbors or church or even the teacher of Early Childhood Education at a local school. Once that part is taken care of, then you can plan for a few hours away from home. Go out for a light dinner, but discussing kids or bills is off-limits. No complaining, whining, or whatever. Dress like someone your age and single would do, for a date, and allow yourself to feel this. You will not be mommy and daddy during your date, so you don't want to dress like you do during the outings with kids. If you can, after the dinner, try a hotel! Yes, just for a few hours of celebrating,,,no kids around can really make a difference, and it's not an overnight thing, maybe 3 hours? It may sound resque' to you, but it works to help your situation and hubby will love it! Especially if it's a surprise till after the dinner!

Yes! I'm not the only one out there with this issue (not that I thought I was except my hubby convinces me that I am). Thank you for asking this question, cuz I to have NO desire either. We have a one year old daughter, and since she was born, I just don't feel like it anymore. We still try, but I just don't enjoy as much as I used to. I to feel bad for my hubby because he thinks that it's him, but it's not, it's me and I don't know how to fix me. I am very scared to get pregnant again, not because of complication though, just because it's hard being a parent. I think that's part of why I don't want to do it anymore or I don't know. But I will definately read all your responses because I am too in need of some advice and help. My hubby always tells me to ask my docter, but I know it's normal, so she is going to tell me the same thing, "It's Normal". I hope your sex life gets better, as so does mine. Thanks again for asking this question!

You need date nights. We made a deal before I got pregnant that we would never forgo weekly date night. We have no family here. We started with a sitter service and as we got more comfortable and got to know good teens we ended up with great sitters.

COMMUNICATION is so key to keeping the connection with hubby. Our sitter costs were $60-$80 cash a week but that was a very good investment for us as a couple. You don't have to go get all fancy every time, sometimes just walk in the park, mall, etc.

Hang in there, everybody goes through it at times. Do ask your Dr just so you know you are ok.

We will celebrate 22 yrs this New Years Eve!!

I am going to give you a totally different answer than almost everyone. Lack of desire is NOT normal. We have been taught for 100's of years that women don't like sex, have no use for it, have to force themselves to do it.....none of it's true.
I think that lack of desire has a lot to do with hormone imbalance. Having kids makes our hormones totally out of whack. I think Kay was right on the money with the progesterone cream suggestion. It can make a huge difference. Not only in your sex life but your overall well being.

Go to your doctor (I actually went to my chiropractor because she has a wealth of knowledge about the body and how to balance it naturally) and ask Kay (previous poster) for that info on the balancing cream.

Oh, and you have sex with your hubby because you know he needs it. That's good! NOW......he needs to consistently give you the affection you need to keep your love "bank account" in the black. He has an EQUAL responsibility to you to keep your sex life alive. Most people think that the women have to do all the work to keep a marriage from ruin and it's simply not true.

Good luck!