Personal Question - Marriage

Hi Tammi,

I can relate because I have 3 children as well all under 6 years old. We do not have family near, but I was able to have a sitter from school come and watch the boys while we went to dinner. As tired as I was, I had to push myself because I know he wanted to spend time together. When we first went to dinner, I thought about the children like crazy, my 5 & 6 year old (I have not gone out since I have my recent son 1 month ago) but I had to somehow try to have a nice time. Getting out of the house and getting dressed up and having a couple of drinks (2) made me feel like my old self again, which helped him when we got home and the sitter had put the boys to sleep. Needless to say, we do not go out that often, but I found that getting out of the house and into a different environment helps for the moment.
I know this is not the best advice, but it took me awhile to get to this point. Don't get me wrong, I can sleep for days if I could, but I need to make myself available to my husband even if I am delirious. It gets better, at least that is what I am told.

That's odd he would go right to cheating knowing all the info you just gave. I would go to marriage counceling right away, I hope he didn't bring up cheating becasue he is. He may br trying to acuse you becasue the guilt is bugging him ya know. I hope I am wrong though.

I am in the same situation. I have a special needs child so I am a stay at home mom but I am looking at going to school so I understand how you feel. It is really hard to find the energy to do things soemtimes. Good luck to you!

May I be nosy and ask what your husband is doing while you are getting supper, cleaning up, doing homework and tucking kids in ? This is WAY too much for one person when there are 2 parents.

Let your husband know that you miss him, too. That you get tired at work, and you need some help with the kids. One of you make supper, the other does the dishes, or helps clean up. Then you take turns putting the kids to bed, or you divide and conquer. This will help him to be more involved with the kids, and you will both benefit from that.

In addition, the 17 month old could move to the crib -- at least for the first part of the night. If she wakes up during the night, bring her to your bed at that time. This will give you time to talk with each other, and to cuddle up in bed, as well as time to make love.

I saw this thing on tv this a.m., where this pastor out west somewhere told the married people in his church to take one week and have sex every night. I thought it was pretty funny, cuz when my husband and I were younger, we sure didn't need anyone telling us to do that ! It was routine. Anyway, they interviewed 4 couples on day 6 of the sex edict, and they all noted that planning to make love and setting the time aside to do so has brought them into better communication, and revitalized their marriages.

Life gets busy, and we get tired. We then forget that the most important relationship in the family is the one between mom and dad. Find ways to show your husband that you care about him. If he wonders about affairs, ask yourself why ? Frankly, I can't imagine that you'd have time for one, between work and kids, but time isn't the appropriate answer. Let him know you love him, thank him for sharing the family chores (even if he doesn't thank you for doing them) and let him know you appreciate him.

Also, if you need a little relaxation time before bedtime, let him know. Give yourself 15 minutes on the couch to unwind, then get ready for bed, so you are more relaxed when you enter the bedroom. But don't shut him out because you are stressed. Sometimes it's wonderful at night, to cuddle up to your spouse, dump your frustrations and get a good backrub for your efforts.

Good luck ! It's really hard to juggle everything, esp when the kids are little, but it's important to keep your relationship with your husband #1. That's the best way to keep the family intact and to have the kids feel that their home is a happy and healthy one.

Tammi,
I'm sorry you are going through this but I have to say that it is very common. You didn't give any background on how much your husband does or doesn't help out around the house or with the children but it never ceases to amaze me how quickly a man will accuse a woman of doing something rotten instead of thinking about why ELSE you could be distant. Men are so self absorbed that all they think about is how they are being rejected and how it MUST be another man, how could you NOT WANT HIM? I'm not in the happiest of marriages right now so maybe I'm extra negative so I will apologize. The fact remains that your husband needs to pitch in and help you with the chores with the house and your children, you work full time too!!! Just because his day ends after work, your second job technically begins, the job you don't get paid for!!! If you worked together as a team and got the tasks done, perhaps you could go to bed with him at 10:00 and have some couple time once a week!

I would make a date with your husband to be out away from the house and kids and really talk about this matter. He needs to understand exactly what it is that you do and why you are tired and distant. I don't know about you but if my husband is being nasty or having an attitude, I don't want anything to do with him sexually which we all know only makes them more cranky!

I agree with the other poster that said you should have him walk a few days in your shoes so he understands. The problem is that men are wired way differently than we are and they could have sex while completely exhausted and never complain about it. When they don't get what they want their little minds run away with themselves imagining all sorts of stupid stuff. The other day my husband saw I facebooked a guy and assumed I was finding old boyfriends during the day. I went off and explained it was my cousin's son! I've told my husband before that there is NO free time to cheat, even if I wanted to and why would I when I have enough trouble with one man in my life, what would I want with another?

I'm getting off topic, I apologize. It's one of those weeks.
Email me if you want to vent.

I definitely don't have the answers, but my husband and I recently viewed Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage videos by Mark Gungor. The series was very light-hearted, but definitely hit on topics such as sex and the differences between how men and women think. It helped my husband and I at least try to understand each other more. Check it out a clip of the sex video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqgsD-IhFtw

It must feel terrible to be questioned that way! I really feel for you. It sounds like he really has no idea what sex is all about for women.

Men express their love in a very physical way but women express it emotionally. If you are emotionally well you will feel more like being intimate.

There is a book called the 5 love languages and although I've never ready I've done the quiz and implemented some of the ideas. Basically it tells you what your love language is i.e. what you need to feel loved and what you need to give your partner to make them feel loved.

I am also attaching an article that is written by a marriage and family therapist who has a section about what men need to know about their wives and what women need to know about their husbands. If you get pas the first few sentences it will start to make sense:)

Good luck

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2...

Tammi,

When that happened to me...we saw a counselor, who in the first session pointed out to my husband how overwhelmed I was. A light went on in his head. I think they need help to see just how much energy being a mom entails. Our oldest one has ADD and he can drain my by 7am some days. We've worked together to find ways to make things a bit easier for me and we both win in the end.

Yes, I think every woman feels this way at one time or another. When my son was a baby I struggled with a missing libido...lol...didn't want to do anything but sit and watch TV once he was in bed. I told my husband many times if he would help me out around the house more that I might feel a little more inclined to worry about his needs but he didn't and I just couldn't muster up motivation to worry about it. He never accused me of cheating but I was mostly a stay at home mom so we just fought about it all the time. Every woman I know struggles with it at one time or another...we're just so busy that we crash at the end of the day. I knew I was neglecting my husband and I just couldn't make myself want to do anything about it. You are not alone.

I also agree with the other mom...if you can force yourself to want to have sex..it will go along way to helping get what you need out of your husband.

maybe he has a guilty conscious that he asking you

He needs to do half the work at home as well. He made them and is equally responsible for helping with homework, cooking, cleaning. Talk to him and tell him that he needs to help so your not as tired as he and then make dates

Also need to get the little one out of your bed

I know you have a lot of responses, but I just had to add my 2 cents. My husband and I started out like this. Now our marriage is seriously in trouble. Sex is important, taking care of your marriage is important to your children. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Find the time. I know its hard, but its as important as anything else.

Oprah is doing a show on sex & marriage today. You should tape it if possible & watch it with your hubby after the kids go to bed. She had one on a while ago with a sex therapist & it was really informative.
I am concerned that your husband would accuse you of cheating. Often, people accuse others of what they are doing (or considering) themselves. I hope this is not the case, but it is something you should talk about. You need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about your needs & wants & his needs & wants & make a plan for your future. If you can some how watch Oprah's last sex therapy episode I think it would really help you get started. Unfortunately I can't remember when it was on. It was with in the last month though. Good luck.

I had to laugh when i read your post. I had pneumonia a couple of weeks ago...needless to say we did not do much in that area. My husband also asked me if i was cheating! I do not think it always means that they are guilty. I think they are insecure and scared. I had to remind him numerous times that i was very sick and still had 4 kids and a house to take care of!! As long as you are having it about once a week (of course sick is different) i don't think he should complain. I would just smile at him and let him know that he has no idea what a day in the life of a mother is like!!

Its a common problem in marriages. My hubby felt lonely and deprived as well. We have 2 kids and both work full time as well as both go to school. We have found if we both work together with house work, shopping, homework, baths, discipline, vacations, and activities things go smoother. I am only 27 years old and somedays feel 67 years old. We both agree that a happy marriage that last a life time needs to keep the candle lite in our relationship. We both do little kind things and never fear to try new things. Trying getting away from the kids once or twice a month, getting to be a woman and not a mommy or wife a few hours here and there helps.

Tammie....I feel for you. It is always a disappointment when our husbands think we are seeking others for comfort and such. Please discuss how he is making you feel about this issue. Tell him....I feel hurt....I feel pain when you talk to me this way, and accuse me of sleeping around, when all I want is you to understand me. Tell him....I am tired, I am working, I am a working mother, I am a full time working mother trying to do it all,and I am trying to be the best that I can be. Men do not understand. Maybe twice a week he needs to do it all! I am serious....He can do the laundry, he can take care of the kids, homework, dinner.....everything.......maybe then he will get it

first of all you are right that it is hard dealing with kids and working full time. second thing that is not nice is that he accuses you of cheating. make sure he is not the one cheating. he sounds insecure by making that kind of statement to you. next thing is why is one of the kids sleeping in the bed with you? that is a place for you and your husband not for the little one. i would not feel like having sex if my child slept with us. he or she needs to sleep in their own bed. if they have a night mare sometimes fine but besides that it is not good. my brother did not like it when my four year old neice slept in the bed with him. i even asked him straight up how do you have sex with her in the bed? i think that you need to make some time to have sex with him but sit down with him and talk about it. may be the grandparents could take the kids for the night so you have have a date night. you may need to spice up things a little for you and him. good luck

I am actually going through a divorce mainly because HE wasn't happy with not getting his way and having sex EVERYDAY!!! His only complaint about me. But anyway, i have always said the when i man accusses a wife/girlfriend whatever of cheating, it is because he is feeling guilty about something he has done. Whether it be because he cheated himself or because he is attracted to another woman or whatever! I also have a very bad taste with men right now. So your husband might just be saying that because he is mad that you are not giving him what he WANTS (not needs), so in turn he will act like a baby!! Men are VERY self absorbed, it is always about them! I could go on and on but i won't. Bottom line is no matter what you say or do, he will never be happy nor will he ever understand. My ex-husband didn't talk to me for 3 weeks (starting on the last day of our honeymoon) because i wouldn't give him a BJ!! The marriage was over a year later!! Anyway don't always give in to the man just to make them happy, they need to understand life does not always revolve around them, and that there are other things that need to be taken care of (including yourself FIRST)!! Well goodluck!!

Hi Tammi,

Get you an appointment book and put your husband in
the schedule. Find a babysitter and make yourself a romantic evening and end it in each other's arms.

Good luck. Your marriage is important and sex goes with it.

Hope this helps. D.

totally understand, i feel the same way, i have 3 children as well, 5 1/2, almost 3, and a 3month old. the last thing on my mind is sex. guys dont work that way and dont understand that sex isnt the 1st thing on our minds. i dont think we are the only ones that are going through this, i am not sure how to fix the problem, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Your husband is being totally selfish! Does he honestly think that with 3 kids and working full-time you would have time for an affair? You need to tell him that if he wants some time alone with you, he needs to shoulder some of the responsibility (if he's not already doing so)of dinner, cleaning up, bedtime routines, etc. Maybe you won't be so tired if you have some help with that! Another suggestion is to remember that the bedroom is not the only place you can have some fun! Get creative in other rooms in your house! If your little one is sleeping in your bed, leave him or her there and go somewhere else! We have had to do that here MANY times. You simply need to set him straight and not allow him to make such a ridiculous accusation. Good luck!

Hey Tammi - you are not alone. We have two boys..and it seems like with kids...there isn't time to be "alone." My husband and I have had the discussion..."what happened..and what can we do to fix it...and do you still love me" Never accused each other of cheating. We still love each other...we just need to find the time to show it. My hubby and I want to try scheduling a "date night" maybe once a month. Or - literally - schedule it in your calendar!!! We were hesitant to do this at first (perhaps make it less spontaneous)...but it does help!!

Good luck!

I am having the opposite problem, and although it's a little different, I completely understand your frustration. My husband is the one who is tired, he works the night shift 9pm-6am, and I am the one who wants sex. I try to be understanding, and recognize that he is tired, and probably stressed out as he is the sole financial support of our home at this time. I have on several occassions accused him of cheating as well, not because I believe it, but b/c I get so frustrated I just don't know what else to say, and when you add anger into the situation it just comes up like word vomit. I, just like your husband, are approaching the situation in a destructive way, instead of constructive, anyway I just wanted to share that with you from another perspective. I applaud you for being able to seek advice on the topic, as well as for being a full time mom of three-- it's tough. I just wanted to share...

the question is is there anyone who doesnt sister!!!!!!!

Hey Tammi,
Honey, I only have O. child and work only 2 days a week and rarely have the time or desire for sex! There always seems to be SO much to do. Sometimes, you do need to make couple time a priority or it slips away entirely. I think my hubby & I are on the same page in that we both realize that right now, that's how things are. If your husband wants more romance--he needs to DATE you and make the plans and arrangements for it! I.E. Help with chores, kids, find a sitter, and make a dinner reservation! That's not too much to ask to get lucky! ;-)
Good luck. Don't beat yourself up--you have a LOT on your plate and are obviously doing the best you can do.

Is HE the one who is cheating?

Yep, right there with ya. But I only have 2 kids, one is 14 the other 5 and the 5 yr. old sleeps in our bed too, even though we have been working on thatissue. My husband is the same as yours, except mine thinks I dont "like" him any more....hahaha. I dont know what exactly to say to help, unfortunately guys are driven by sex, food, and well i THINK THATS IT...HAHAHa. I have tried in vain to explain to mine that i still "like him and and still very much attracted to him, but that yeah i'm tired at the end of the day and just want to go to sleep. Usually after talking about it he kinda gets it and understands , well for about a week or so, then its back to square one. Now heres the sad part....after all this rambling i really dont have an answer to help except u are not alone on this issue. good luck...and if u figure out the golden answer make sure u post it to help us others out.

By first satisfying your dh's needs you'll be surprised at how much more helpful he may become. Sex is really a necessity for the male. It's a huge stress relief for them. It will also help to get some intimacy back
V.

Ugh join the crowd!!! I haven't read the other responses but I am sure of it that you are not alone! I know the exhuastion, but sometimes it may not hurt to cajole him into helping you out and then "reward" him later that evening. This may take a cup of joe to do this, but men like children need to be pacified from time to time. I know this may sound horrible- but it works. Other things are to surprise him with a phone call, and tell him that you were thjinking of him and put some wild thoughts into his head. IDK, to me men are nuts. (lol).

First, plan a personal date night, even if it means having to spend time together after the kids go to bed. Perhaps on a weekend. Maybe you can even get someone to take your kids for a couple of hours so you can spend time together.

Second, go to your local library and get the following books: For Men Only: a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn and For Women Only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men, by Shaunti Feldhahn. She and her husband did extensive research and have put it into these books. It gives us a better understanding of why men and women are different and our different needs and also helps us to understand each other better.

M.

I have to admit that the guilty conscience never entered my mind when I read your request. My first reaction was "How much does HE do around the house." Now, I'm going to raise some ire here with many other moms, but I do usually end up having sex with my husband, even when I'm tired or have to get up early. The reason is simple, it shuts him up. No amount of talking or asking for help with the house has worked because his argument is that I only work 3 days a week (we have 3 kids, 8, 6, 3). Other than the housework issue we get along great, so I figure I can spend 15 minutes in the bedroom for a week of silence or get some extra sleep but argue for days. This all being said, if he's serious about thinking you're cheating on him, it's time for counseling. Maybe he does have a guilty conscience, maybe he's just pissed that he's not getting any. Whatever the issue, it needs to be addressed before it affects the kids. Good luck.

i tend to agree with the other ladies -first of all get that little one out of bed - not just for this reason - but for a lot more reasons as well. secondly - statistically speaking its usually the person having the affair that accuses the other one - its like subconsiously they feel "well i will feel less guilty if i am not the only one" or something.... also - if you work full time and your hubby works full time then the "household" duties should be a half/half effort - i know that i am responsible for more household stuff b/c i work only part time - but if i worked full time i would expect that i didnt have to do all of it....

maybe start seeing a counselor - by yourself even if he wont go - and maybe a clergy member - a pastor or someone.

let us know what happens!
S. w.

That is pretty funny he thinks yo have time to cheat. ( Not to be alarming, but hopefully he's not accusing you of something he's doing...) Tell him you really miss frequent sex too, and you thought about it a lot, and probably if you had a little less to do and there wasn't a child in your bed, you would have more energy and opportunity. Then enlist his help moving out the co-sleeper, give him a few chores, maybe ask for a gift of lingerie out of it, and then work hard to put out a little more often. You'll feel better when this phase passes-you're plate is FULLL! Also, the 8 and 5 year old are old enough to help with clean up. Be the sweet caring wife about it, try not to yell at him, but really ask for his help. And delegate some work! You're doing too much! Household stuff should be shared when both parents work full time.