I Have a Son Who I Don't Trust

speak to him , tell him how you fell and how he make you feel. At one point there will be a break down anyway with this tension.

S.,

It sounds like you are feeling intimidated by your son, and he is going about it in different ways. Most people, myself included, simply do not like confrontation or fighting. And that is why those few people who use intimidation can "get away with" it to some degree.

Now if your son were 3, and not 30, you would probably have less difficulty confronting him, because you would have lots of authority and power.

But, he's not 3. He's 30, and I bet he can be pretty annoying.

So, here is the basic technique for pleasantly, and I mean pleasantly telling him your feelings. You might want to practice it a few times alone, or with a friend before you try it out on your son first to give you some confidence that you can actually pull this off.

Here is the basic sentence: :Son, when you do X, I feel Y, so please do Z. Thanks." Said in a pleasant but firm tone.

AND don't engage in any defensive comments no matter what wize cracks, jokes, or snotty comments he then makes. Just repeat yourself pleasantly. That's why I suggest you try it with a friend who can come up with a lot of wisecracks and play your son at his worst, to enable you to practice keeping your cool and hanging "tough".

Give it a try and tell me how it works out for you!

Happy Holidays,

R. Katz,Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

I feel for you...my brother in law is doing the same thing to his parents at age 29 and it's just a tough situation! You don't want to intensify his failure feelings and yet you really don't want to live like that yourself either. At least for my brother in law, I think he sometimes uses those failure feelings to manipulate with living at home. I guess the only thing I have to say is try to tell him positive things you appreciate about him and try to lovingly present options for supporting himself living on his own in a casual way, while being firm about "these guidelines are upheld under my roof". I think outside counseling would be ideal to help him escape the "poor me" attitude and take control of his decisions, as well as for you in being able to cope with the day to day stress of the situation, but I also know how hard that is to pull off and arrange in reality. The advice Richard gave sounds great for helping the everyday tension! Best wishes to you!!

I'm curious why you don't trust him? Does he steal from you? Also, how is it that you feel intimated by your 30 year old son?

My suggestion, without knowing the whole story is that you talk to him about how you feel. He needs to move out of your home. He's well into his adult years and you shouldn't feel guilty for telling him he needs a place of his own.

I agree with Regina. He needs to leave your home but you should talk to him about your feelings. Since your a mother and have no ovious reason for your feelings your gut is telling you different. I would say listen to that!!! Something is not right. You have raised him and he is on his own now. Don't feel bad you have done your job. You can support him emotionally without him being in your home.

I had to go home a few years back when I became seperated from my husband with a then 6 month old (I was 28). I felt terribly embaressed and like a failure, however...I asked myself what I had control over to make the situation better, as well as sitting down with my parents for a heart to heart about what their expectations were as well as mine. We also set a time limit on how long I was to stay at home, as well as some basic guidelines. Maybe you need to just sit down with your son and speak very honestly to him, and if he gets on the defensive maybe he needs someone to kick him out on his butt to get him motivated to do something. The other thing is that if he has trouble focusing, maybe he needs to seek professional guidance for his issues. ADD is quite common in adults our age, especially because your son, as well as myself still grew up in an era where if you had issues with school/attention/behavior you were just labled difficult or stupid...and those scares can wreak havoc on your esteem. I was diagnosed as having ADD at 23, and it suddenly all became clear to me why I had so mant issues with esteem, direction, and temperment. I do not take meds, but I have a job that suits my personality and lifestyle, as well as a system in place to help function the best I can, and some coping skils for when I get tooo wound. I hope this helps.

Sharon Im S. My daughter is recently back home too. I am Forty one with six children she has been in and out now she is in college although I trust her I've dealt with the arrogance and lack of gratitude. That feeling should never exist in your own home I would sit down with your son to Reassure him of the peaks and valleys of life,acknowledge his rough period and his dignity,then respond to the tension you feel by letting him know that even though you are his mother for life you ar not required to care for him anymore that you do it from the graciouness of your heart, and that you would like some appreciation, if you don't feel comfortable having this discussion face to face writing letters always seem to work with me. Although I am sure your son is a good person sometimes children forget that we are not endless giving machines and that respect and gratitude is always a necessary requirement in any relationship especially with a parent I HOPE! this helps Sincerly S. D

I am 59 and I have two sons, 25 and 28. If one came back, temporarily, needing help I would set a clear time limit and I would expect certain things before he moved in. We would agree on his share of chores, his contribution to mortgage or rent, the sharing of food and other household items, etc. I suggest you require the same of your son. He is, afterall, a grown man. You love him dearly as I can tell in your message. It is not your attitude that needs adjusting, it is his. From your message, he is disrespectful and seems not to care about you the way you care about him. It is no longer your responsibility to make up or try to fix his failures. We do that for children, but not for men. We all fail during our lifetime, but as adults we must take the consequences. We learn from our experiences. Whatever happened in his youth, happened. Somewhere along the way he came to believe that he can take advantage, because that is what he is doing to you. I believe he has a negative attitude, because he is disappointed and angry with himself for not being the man he should be. You are the mother you should be, because you have been generous, kind and loving. That can make some men weak, when we give too much. I suspect you've helped him quite a lot over the years. Am I right? It's time for you to enjoy your life, not be intimidated by your son, the man. You dont' say if he is working. He must work, contribute, set a date to move, and you must stick to the contract between you. He seems to know you feel guilty and he is playing on that. Don't give in. It is your life and your freedom at stake. You deserve to live comfortably in your own home. He is a man not a boy. Remember, he will treat other women the way he is treating you. It's time he stepped up and time for you to stay strong.

Hi S.,
My name is G. and I do understand what you are going through. I am with a man that has a daughter that was living with us moved out and went to live with her mom and then moved back in again. Needless to say I don't trust and I really never have she steals and I know it but when I try to tell her dad it has to be someone else like one of my children. Maybe your son just needs a little pep talk like you are not a failure and maybe you should try and take on only one thing at a time. Or maybe you should ask him if he feel the discomfort in the air that you do maybe it is bothering him too. It is hard to live alone and then have a member of your family move back in with you. I was a single mom for 4yrs and then moved in with my boyfriend I have now it was a big adjustment and I still have missgivings about it. Sometimes I wish I stayed by myself and then others I know I did the right thing. I think you did the right thing by letting your son come back. And I think if you just talk with him things might straighten out. If they don't no one would say you were a bad mom If you told him it wasn't working out and gave him some time to find an apartment or something like that. He is an adult and I am sure he can be reasoned with. Happy Holidays! And Good Luck. At least he isn't on drugs or booze my Stepdaughter is on both. Thanks for listening G.

Hello S.,
Think right, act right, feel right. It seems as though fear is getting to you, the tension and intimidation you feel may be bringing out some fear. Don't let these things get to you -continue to pray like you are, think right, act right and feel right. Be honest with your Son. Tell him how you really feel. The intimidation and tension you are having may only get worse if the issues are not resolved. I would personally go through good Christian counseling (With my pastor whom I trust), if I were in your situation. Hope this helps.

I see that you have posted a thank you already, but I wanted to reply because I felt compelled to answer you. I separated from my husband and ultimately divorced, but was pregnant and not very able to support myself a few years ago... and I was pregnant. My husband abused drugs (which is why I left him) and I had a history of lying to my parents and being sneaky (in high school) but was now 22 and had to return home. I moved into a home next to my parents (that they owned) and my mom ended up living with me... but I digress...
Ultimately it was a horrible situation and I wish they had not encouraged or enabled me to move back home and have their "free" help because it just further destroyed my self-confidence and eroded my relationship with them. I wish, instead, they had been the type of parents to give me "tough love" and tell me I had been a brat in the past, had gotten myself into a crappy situation and that it was up to me to get myself out and that they had FAITH in me that I could do it. Better than free help, that would have been priceless to me, and proven that they really felt confident I wouldn't end up in the slums, and I *would* have risen to my potential. Instead, I struggled with my relationship with them and ultimately ended up trying to find ways to leave "home" again that weren't the most mature (bad relationships, etc) just to get away from them all over again.
I'm 30 now and I regret moving back home. I worked and ended up supporting myself (although I didn't pay rent or for babysitting) but I wish I had it to do over again. I feel like even though I probably would have had to get help in other places (like state money or whatever) I would have figured out how to "grow up" a lot sooner. My relationship with my mom wouldn't have been strained because I *DID* feel like I needed to hide things from her- not necessarily BAD things, but things I know she wouldn't have approved of... like for example that my best friend was a man, not a woman.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense and I hope whatever happens that you can preserve the relationship with your son.

Happy Holidays,
Amanda

Maybe there is someone he can talk to.? If he is feeling like a failure, for whatever reason, I would just be a little concerned about where his head is at. Do you think he is depressed at all? Maybe you can bring up the subject of what his plans for his future are...how long he plans to stay with you, etc.

Hi Sharon,

If your son is highly intelligent and has good ambitions then there is no reason he can't survive and function in his own place. If he is feeling that he is a failure it is possible other things such as depression maybe going on. Depression isn't something one can overcome on their own. Counseling, or medication may be something he needs to look into. By you allowing him to stay in your home with all the feelings you are feeling, it is very unhealthy for you. Secondly, you aren't being a bad mother if you ask him to leave. You are being an enabler to his situation if you allow him to mooch off you, and don't encourage him to do it on his own. He is grown and sometimes they need to be pushed back out of the nest. He will be o.k.

Are you afraid of your son? It sounds like you might be. In that situation I don't think anyone could call you a bad mother if you said "hit the road jack". No one should ever have to live in fear.
If you are not afraid of him, perhaps you might find a way to be proactive in his life. Figure out what he does best and help him make his life around it for a career. I wish I had more constructive advice for you. If you need any support please feel free to contact me here. Shannon G.

No question that he needs to be out of there.
Always listen to your inner voice.
If you cannot confront him directly,lay down bounderies as to how long you are willing to let him stay, then I think it would be helpful for you to see a family counselor. They would be able to give you some insight as to what is really going on. They would also give specific advice as to how to go about getting him out of there without to many hurt feelings. You need to do this for your sake as well as his. Do it now.

I agree with all the other moms -- its time for your son to move out. Your home is your home first -- he should be the one confining himself to limited space to give you your freedom, privacy, etc. Anyway, it seems that there are a number of issues here. I would suggest a family counselor or program for both of you. Linden Oaks at Edward Hospital in Naperville has many different programs and can make referrals to other doctors for depression treatment, anger management, etc. Sometimes the symptoms you are describing (feeling like a failure, no job, etc.) are outward signs of depression. Sometimes "taking on too many projects at once" is a sign of ADD or a related problem, which can also be treated very successfully, which is another reason why counseling would be a good idea because a professional might be able to pick up on that. Also, you should not feel like you are a bad mother for telling him that he needs to move out. There are plenty of jobs that he can get to support himself, even if they aren't the perfect job. If you want him to be a happy, functional, self-supporting person, then you are being a good mother by cutting the apron strings. 30 is plenty old to be out on his own. No one likes to hear that they are an "enabler" but letting him take over your home while you provide for him is enabling him to avoid his own problems. These issues are very difficult, I know because I had a mentally ill family member live with us for 5 months last year while he got back on his feet. Good luck.

Sharon,
I second Regina in asking why it is you do not trust him. You said in your post that he is sneaky and nosy (or was it noisy? Im not sure because there seems to be a typo in your post) but that really doesn't put it in perspective. Also, you have said you feel intimidated by him but you haven't described why. It's really hard to give advice with the generalized post you have submitted. If you were to give more specifics I think you would probably receive better advice regarding your situation.

J.

I have a son tha is 15 he is alway in trouble he is now on house arest . i can,t put him out of the house. he is very angery we have been throught the court system, i can,t trust him i stay in my room i have to lock my room.i know that he smokes weed .i am to my wits end can you give me some suggestions . i have had him arrested ,consouling, drug classes so please let me know what you thinki know how you fell i will pray for you .i don,t trust my son
he steals from me if he was old enough he would have to go
use the tough love and don,t fell guilty