Can This Really Work?

wow! How long have you guys been together? Any chance he is bipolar and having a manic phase? Unrealistic expectations can be a sign of mania.

here is some inspiration. You may have seen this already, but if not I wanted to share it.

http://www.oprah.com/videochannel/videochannel_player.jht...

The 2 of you might just need to sit down and, with no emotion, discuss it to see if you can come up with a compromise. Maybe you could live in the country and have a large family, and he can follow his dreams without having you be the wife that goes to all the functions... My husband is a CEO and I am the very shy/quiet type, too. There are some parties and things I have to go to, but I pretty much just dress up, stick by his side, and smile at everyone. He knows I'm there to support him, but he also knows my limitations and I just have a hard time chatting with people in that setting, etc. Good luck finding a path that both of you can be excited about!!

Hi E.:

Sounds great that you both have dreams and goals. Though married 27 years, I don't have the answers, but one question - have you considered marriage counseling?

My husband and I are as different as night and day (from simple things as living in Dallas or Ft. Worth) and throughout the years have gone to a therapist 3 times. I am the more extroverted and some things he participates in and some he does not. In our early years I was hurt that he would not go with me and be sociable. At times he was fine but at other times uncomfortable (somewhat shy). Somehow we managed and if he doesn't want to go, no problem I still enjoy myself. Some of his interest do nothing for me and if I choose not to go with him, he is good.

Counseling doesn't mean everything will be wonderful and work out, but it can help you both sort what is important, what you want - and in what order. Love is not always enough and relationships cannot survive on love alone. However, love can help you reach a compromise.

Honestly, I would marry my husband again - but it can be difficult when you are so different. Through the years we have found more things in common, yet we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. That is part of the attraction.

I wish you the best and hopefully whatever the conclusion, you will be happy.

T.

Your goals don't necessarily collide here. If you plan properly, you both can get what you want. My suggestion would be to make a timeline that includes goals for each of you. For example, he work while the baby is little, then you work while he goes back to school. When he starts his professional career, chose a city that will afford you the wide open spaces and some critters nearby, then keep your ranch in Crawford while setting up home in the White House as well. :)

It sounds like you both are knocking each others dreams - which is a "no-no." Make sure you respect BOTH persons goals and be sure to set limits that include only using positive terms to describe each others ambitions. If you MUST compromise (as most likely you will due to time contraints) make sure that each partner is happy with the choice and that it's fair. It doesn't have to be all or nothing - especially if you are in a loving and commited relationship.

Best of luck! :)

Hi E.,
I do think this can really work. Your situation reminds me of my sister, when her husband's dream was to go to medical school. All of a sudden he was back in night school taking pre-requisites (after many years of being graduated from college and working) while she was also working, and raising two very small children. She basically told me that she felt like if she didn't support his dreams, then she would have to feel responsible for the rest of her life if his goals didn't come true. And that whether he said it out loud or not, that he would resent her for it. So she supported him, even though in her heart she knew that he didn't have the strong math/science abilities that he needed in order to get into medical school. Sure enough, after 2 years of this, he did not get in. But now her husband feels like at least he pursued his dream, and knows for sure that he tried, and that his wife was by his side supporting him. And their marriage is much stronger as a result. He does not, and cannot, blame or resent her for his inability to become a doctor. In your situation, well let's just see if he can get into an Ivy League school to begin with. I mean it's not that easy! It may all stop right there when the rejection letters arrive. But if you are 'putting the brakes' on all his ambitions, then you may very well find that you are in a very unhappy marriage. In my humble opinion, which is just an opinion, I think that if you support him (you don't have to agree, mind you, just be supportive) then he will also support your goals. Many wives have politically active husbands, and the wives are not very involved at all. It is possible to have the best of both worlds. And if he is successful in his career goals, then he can afford for you to enjoy the lifestyle that you are desiring. After all, land is expensive, as are taking care of horses. Just hang in there. Many wives would envy your dilemma! Most of us wish our husbands were less lazy, and had more ambition! Besides, what a wonderful thing to show your children by example: get involved in your community, and change the world for the better!

Well this is totally my opinion, but I think you CAN have your cake and eat it too!!!!!

Why can't you live your dreams and he his and still be happy and healthy!?!?!?! So, he may have to commute to work so you can live in the country, but so what!!! People do it every day!!!! And you may have to be the wife of a busy successful businessman-once again, people do it every day and that is not too terrible, now is it!

As said, this is just my opinion and you may not like it, but I suggest couple counseling of some-sort. You don't have to call it that if you or him don't like that phrase, but maybe look for a "life-guide", career couselor, "goal-guide", or even financial guide or a preacher/priest to help you both set a path to meet your goals, both of your goals.

AND, once again, my opinion, but he should never call your goals/dreams simple or average. As a loving husband, he should support your goals and as a loving wife, you should support his! Don't knock eachother down-build eachother up so you can both gain success at your dreams!

May I ask: why haven't you told him what you told us? I am horrible about talking with my husband about things that bother me too, so I know getting the words out is often the hardest part (I like non-confrontational talking and like to please). Seems to me you've already done the hardest part (by writing it to us) in a very tactiful and gentle, loving, caring nature by telling us your situation. SO, maybe print out the request you made above (your "Can this really work?" plea) and hand it to him saying "this is how I feel-let's deal with it and work it out! I really want us to work". Don't try to "re-work" the text, it is great the way it is. If you mess with it any more, knowing what you are trying to do now (give it to him), you may compromise it or make it way too "wordy"!

I can tell you love him. And if he loves you, as you seem to think he does, it can work-Marriage and Love is about compromise-not about giving up your dreams for the other. You have to love yourself to love others!

Hope I helped & best of wishes!

T.

What I can see in your post is that you are very tolerant and kind. At no point did you insult your husband because of the things he said, and I didn't sense any anger from your post, only disappointment. So that leads me to believe you are a very good, and good hearted person.

That being said, I feel like what your husband has told you is quite demeaning. For someone who wants to change the world, he should understand changing the world means helping one person at a time - and right now that person should be his wife. I feel that he should consider the words he uses with you and not demean you with his words. I also think that if he is so politically motivated, he would understand that his home life would come under great scrutiny and he should be a "model" husband.

I do believe it's possible for two people w/ different goals to create a life together, my husband and I are actually quite opposite in many ways - but because we both put family first (we have 4 children) - our lives have worked out. We have both compromised along the way to get to where we are now, and some of the things I want to do were put on hold so we could get to this point - but not forgotten, I still have plently of time to do the things I want. He has also had to make some sacrificies to get to where we are, and some of those things he realizes he didn't really want to do anyway, and the others he still has time for.

To me, the biggest problem in your scenario isn't that you want different things in life (b/c like others mentioned, you could do both - he could live his political life, but w/ a home in the country w/ horses, and he can park his sportscar outside the barn, lol) -- to me the biggest issue is perhaps that it doesn't seem (and this is only based on what you've said) that he respects you or considers your feelings and the impact of his words.

I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that the two of you are able to find a common ground and have mutual respect and consideration for each other.

In Christ,
S.

Take things slow, make a plan that you can both commit to and go from there. There are so many turns in the road ahead, getting into law school is the first step, then surviving law school, then the bar exam, then job hunting. Having been through law school myself and with my hubby all I can say is that very few of the 180 people in each of our graduating classes ended up doing exactly what they planned on when school started. If you can commit to putting your family first, your intended path with unfold. Good Luck!

I think as far apart as each of you are on your long term visions of the future, I think the best thing you all could do for your family right now would be to see a marraige councelor to help you talk/work through these issues. To make your marraige successful you both may need to consider some compramise. hugs to you and wishing you best of luck.

If this is something that your husband is serious about, then he should be supported 100%. I don't believe in shooting someones dream down because I have no interest in that dream. Love and support only brings a couple closer together. I would tell your husband that you support him and will be there for him but you also need his support on your dreams. Mutual respect. Your dreams are just as important. No one can really comment on your husband's ability or non - ability to achieve a goal because we don't know him. Only you know if he is a lazy person who talks alot but doesn't follow through or if he is a hard worker who follows through with what he says. If he is serious about pursuing this but never gets the chance, he will regret it for the rest of his life. Possibly putting a huge strain on your marriage if it were you that stopped him from his dream. I can relate to your husbands dream in a way because my almost 14 year old daughter shares this same dream. This has been her career choice since the 3rd grade and it has only grown stronger every year. I could not and would not ever tell her that her dreams are not realistic. Dreams are only unrealistic if you don't make them come true. Or at the very least, give it your all.

I think both of your dreams are realistic. Why not?...but the truth is... just because someone talks about plans doesn't mean they are reality or even attainable.
If he wants to be a big attorney and save the world... it may not turn out that way, but what's the harm?
You can both have what you want or at least a version of it. Compromise is key! I mean your being a stay home mom and having quieter dreams doesn't mean you aren't motivated and political in nature... you have your opinions. You just may not want to shout them from the moutaintops.
And trust me, he will be taken down a few notches in his career here and there... we all are.
Anyway... I think you have gotten great advise for the most part. I think counseling is a great idea... If he makes you feel insecure as a wife, however, I hope you address that. Becuase that is NEVER good. The mom/wife is the backbone of the family!
Plans change. Reality changes...
I hope for a long and happy life for you and your family!
Hugs,
E.

Hi E.,
It sounds like meeting with a mediator of some sort (licensed professional counselor, marriage therapist, pastor, rabbi, etc.) would be very helpful to you. You and your husband could meet with someone who has no personal agenda for your lives (in other words don't discuss it with friends or family). This way you can both be perfectly honest with each other and reach a compromise so that no one feels let down. Please for your son's sake don't end the marriage over dreams that could very well change in the next five to ten years. My aunt and uncle reached a similar crossroads in their marriage. They made it work and are still married after nearly 40 years! All the best to you.

Dear E.:
With big dreams can come constant unhappiness, because you are never far, high, big or rich enough. You seem happy with more modest means, recognizing the important things in life - your family. My guess is that you are a starter wife (do be left behind later) or (if you are very good-looking) a trophy wife to keep. Either way your husband does not seem to adjust to your needs, for example keep his career highlight at mayor of the city you live in rather than president or senator.

You seem to 'get in the way' of his dreams, which means you were not seriously considered. Perhaps you should have clarified that before your marriage, but I would not bet $1 that your husband would turn down a career move for you. As soon as you refuse to tag along, you'll be on your own.

Regards,
W.

I think he answered your own question even within your first post. He said he wanted his spouse to have their own life, ambitions and desires. Yours are different than his and as such he will respect them. He stated he wanted someone self sufficient in their life. The fact that his are so different than yours will help it truly seem like you have your own life. If yours mirrored his life too much it would seem like you were just jumping on his band wagon so to say.

Ya'll may need to step back and forget about the future for a moment, and revisit the past and why you fell in love. I'm sure when he married you, he knew your personality and your the one he chose.
It sounds like there is more going on than just ambitions. Depending on your husbands age, he may just be going through a very normal, self identity phase. Some men are more secure in their 'worth' than others, and may handle whatever position in life they have differently. It's wonderful to have great ambitions, but remind him that life is what you make of it - wherever you are. If your happy with yourself then you can be happy anywhere. Don't let society dictate what is "sucessful" or not.
Try focusing on your relationship first...then make your desicion as a "team". If the relationship is strong - you will find a good compromise of both your dreams.
Peace,

You are the only one who can achieve your dreams... Your dreams are fine... and so are his... so... work together to make both of your dreams come true... and make sure they include your child's best interests!!!

You can do it!

J.

your post really broke my heart. i can completely sense your frustration! The fact of the matter is is that there is no way to know what the future holds for you and your family. just do the best you can and stay true to yourself---and i think you can do this AND stand by your husband. it won't be easy. believe me...i live it too. and i constantly wonder if i'm making the right decision. good luck to you.

OH boy. In my opinion a comment that your dreams are average is demeaning. No 2 people's dreams are the same. Some of us will aspire to being "just" stay at home parents who live for caring for house and home. Others will dream of being a star of stage or screen. Still others will dream of doing outdoors stuff (fishing, camping, exploring) for a living. And others have the dream of being president or politicians. Some of us have a dream of peace finally entering our lives. Not one of these dreams is above another. Many scoff at women who will "settle" for caring for the family they love as their job. many laugh at those who want to be a famous artist of any sort (music, acting, painting, sculpting....). People who value different things will dream different dreams. Your dream is mine as well in many areas. However, I also have a dream of being a midwife (I get lots of laughs from that) as well as one who is proficient in sign language and can not only play piano and sing (both of which I've almost gotten to where I want to be) but can teach that and other instruments as well. I want to be a regular Renaissance woman. That is my dream. Yours is different. His is different. You need and deserve to feel respected by your husband. A person's dream is part of the core of who each of us are and how we operate. He should respect it. He doesn't have to take on your dream as his, but he should encourage you to fulfill it as you are his. yes it can work. It will take a LOT of work though and some compromise on the part of BOTH people. You deserve your dream as much as he does his.

Who says you can't have both...look at the President and Mrs. Bush. She was a teacher! She has her own causes that she speaks for....granted I'm not too fond of them politically but she is from a modest background and modest job but an important one at that. You can have your own causes and your own life. You don't have to sacrifice your "dreams" for his...make them both work.

You both can achieve your dreams if you get on the same page and work together. He should respect your dreams as well as his. Another post said you cannot do this at your stage in life. Not true. My husband went to law school after we had been married 8 years. It all turned out great but like I said you have to decide what you both want and work together.

I think your husband is acting selfish, and insensitive. I am worried that he may figure you are extra baggage after you help him through college / university. Perhaps you and him should go together to see a marraige counselor. If he can not be convinced to see that your hopes and dreams are valuable as well, then he is not worth keeping. My uncle had the same thing happen to him with his first life. He wanted to be a teacher. She wanted a fast social life. Once she had her education, aided by his efforts of working while going to college, she dumped him. It hurt him badly. Don't let this happen to you. Take care.

My husband and I have the opposite personality difference - it's made for some awkward moments, but he and I have come much closer to the middle over the years.

Something for your husband to think on - the president of this country is married to a school teacher - I think the idea that a woman who works with small children all day saw something good in them makes the rest of the country think there must be something there.

Then there's also people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet - two of the richest men of our time, who chair or (with their wife) co-chair large philanthropic endeavors... it's a legacy with Carnegie, Kaiser - then you look at Enron, for example - and most people think selfish greedy turds, not powerful men.

That said, I wouldn't bring more babies into the world until I had it figured out - were I you.

S.

All very valid points made here. I especially agree with Stacee M and Verna C.

To add a little, maybe your husband should know that I personally wouldn't vote for anyone who called his spouse's dreams 'simple' and thinks he is 'above' most people. He should re-evaluate himself and make needed changes in his own perspective before going out and trying to make a difference in the world.

E. I see you and your husband have different goals and dreams, this is a problem in a lot of homes today and thats why marriages dont last, one wants to do there thing and the other wants to do there thing. When you get married its no more me and I but its WE....If you guys dont sit down with a councelor and get help, You will one day be going down divorce lane. Before you guys got married why didnt you discuss this matter? E. sit your husband down and tell him how you feel.

V.

GREAT job getting with your man and talking things through. The fact that you are headstrong and know what you want just shows even more that you are the perfect woman for him. You want him to fufill all he wants to do in life and want your dreams to come to fruition too. I too have a man with HUGE vision and I run with it and believe with him and help him stay grounded as well. No reason that you can't have a big house, shiny car, political success, horses, country home, etc. All things in their time. I think dreaming is the way to enjoy life. You go girl :)

I really recommend reading Created to be his help meet by Debi Pearl.

E.,

I am glad to see your husband has goals. However, with that being said I think he needs to take a step back and look at what is best for the family unit. I say this only because you two are at a crossroads. Something tells me you didn't talk much about your future concerns before you got married. Your husband needs to do a bit more research on his goals and dreams before crushing yours. Politics aren't easy! They are extremely dirty and can even split families. First he needs to get his degree, then he needs to go into the private sector and make a name for himself. A poor man will never make it to the senate and in some cities not even mayor! Nowadays our public servants purchase their power! Sorry, but a true fact. I know I have worked on many a political campaign.
Your dreams are admirable. I am so thankful that we still have people in this world that share your views. Never "compromise" who you are! Both dreams are attainable with love and compassion for your partner. Tell him to do his research and then come talk to you about "the average" dream. I have had the big house on the hill and the fancy luxury car in the drive. It isn't all that it is cracked up to be!!! It gets VERY lonely at the top and to deal with the shallowness of the people only makes it worse! I love where my husband and I are now!

Hang in there! Keep the lines of communication open and an open heart.

Dene' H.

If you love him and want it to work than anything is possible look at Laura Bush she was a teacher and is making a huge difference for the children...Don't change who you are to be something someone else wants you to be we can bend and bend but if pushed too far we do break, if you love who you are then let him know that you are willing to grow as an individual and as his wife but without giving up who you are...You should never feel like the starter wife a husband is supposed to make you feel like a better person and accent you in your marriage....It seems your wanted to compromise but where is his compromise in this whole thing...Love is accepting the person you are with and helping them become what they can become, just remember that and you will figure out the best for yourself, standing by him as long as you don't have to give up who you are is totally fine but be true to yourself your children will see who you are and follow suit we are their examples....Good Luck and please keep us advised on how everything is going....Gods with you and you will come thru either side...

Well,
I read a lot of the responses and I agree with SOME of them.
I'm the one with big goals in my family- I'm going to PSU part time and have a 2 year old little boy, who is very good and happy and sweet. My husband supports me a my desire to get a degree. I do also work part time.
While I have no desire to be in anything that your husband plans on, I think it's importnat to have a degree.
I agree with your dreams too- i would love to have a cute little house in the country! So would my husband.
Since you and your husband talked it out,it sounds like you're both doing ok.
He probably didn't realize what he was saying- how it hurt you and made you feel insignificant- i'm guesssing.
Just check in with each other every no and then. Ask each other how you both feel the marriage is going. I do that with my husband- it's just my own little way of making sure we're on the same page.
By the way- i'm 31 and my husband is 34 and we've been married for 7 years. We got married when I was 23 and he was 26. I know you said that's how old you and your husband are- how long have you been married?

Good for you! Never forget to communicate with him...we can make mountains out of molehills, or just assume things, and get all worked up, but nothing beats plain, honest conversation for keeping a marriage healthy.

I don't think it can work, since he has now started a family. My husband wanted to be an attorney as well but once we started a family he wasn't going to have the time to do that anymore, which was more realistic. Most people don't ever talk about these thing family, careers or finances before getting married or just expect the other person to be more accommodating. You don't mention how old you both are? If you want a career in law and the political life, you needed to start way early. If you are a stay at home mom, I don't see how he would expect to go to law school and still support a family. Even as a CEO, expect to put in a lot of time just to keep climbing the corporate ladder. That success wouldn't come overnight. Most men we women to do their own thing, and not rely on their husbands for complete entertainment. Good luck.

I saw your update and am happy for you. I just wanted to reaffirm that you can have a little of both. You can still have that "simple" life at least to a point with a politician. It won't be exactly as you dreamed, but you can get close. Your dreams may not be exactly what he had envisioned for you, but he can give in on that. Just be involved in something, and he will admire that. Keep talking to each other. But, DON'T hold him back (unless it's dangerous to your relationship). He will resent you in the future (even if he doesn't admit it) and can even go into a depression which will affect your whole future entirely. Support him as much as you can in his dreams, but gently remind him that you will follow him to the ends of the earth...but you still need that haven that you long for as well. My mom did this. My dad's a preacher. My mom followed him everywhere and finally said she needed a permanent place. He found one for her. She always dreamed of being out in the country, and he couldn't give her that for awhile due to his need to be in town. But she stuck with him with her "partial" haven. He finally was able to give her the place of her dreams, though it took awhile. They have a great relationship (best friends) with no regrets and a lot of admiration for each other. When you crush the man's dreams...you crush the man. Women aren't as fragile so to speak. We make lemonade and throw a party! Ha. Somewhat joking.

sounds like you are in a much better place now than your original post. So I will just add my short comments. Your scenario is mine in reverse. I am your husband! In fact, it took me years to feel good about marrying my fiance because our dreams are so different. I want the MOON. While I love my family, and now my new son; It does not change my drive to leave a big mark on my world. The biggest that I can. It's an itch that I"ve always had, and always will. Whereas my fiance is happy to take care of those around him, and does not need anythign more. I think my ambitions are what attracts him to me, and his solidity and satisfaction with the simple things in life are what attracts me to him. Aiming high means falling frequently, and sometimes falling big. And when I fall, he's there with the kind of stability I need. So believe it or not, differences in dreams/ambition can work!

Have fun on the campaign trail when your husband starts his political career. :)

I see a red flag and I see it a lot. He does not take your wishes seriously and he does not see you as an equal. Point blank. There is nothing worse on a child than a struggle between the parents and I can tell you looking from the outside that this semi-silent struggle will become very loud someday and the resentment you build will be unbearable. He already knows that if he becomes a big shot you would be out. It's very common with big shots. My husband and I are opposites - I'm sort of a big shot and he is very content in his simple job that probably won't go anywhere. I love our "oppositeness" and accept all of it. At the advice of a friend with a great marriage - we went to marriage counseling before we even got married just to seek out red flags. It couldn't have been more beneficial. We went in with some concerns and came out with some good tools - this was very healthy becuase we weren't at our wits end or looking for a fix. We have a 2 year old now and are so thankful that our relationship is healthy. Please take care of this before the big shot is fired from the gun.