I Guess I Taught My Kid Wrong Playground Etiquette??

Hi,

I know how you feel. My advice to you is to really be excited about the things he CAN do. Like if he can climb a tree, say would you show me how you climb the tree? I was so impressed and would love to see it again etc. Build his self-esteem that way. The playground friendships will come in time---it is just that at 3 and 4, they are at a very selfish stage still--its all about Me,Me, Me. :) So let that go and focus on spending time with him while he shows you things that he can do. GL

M

I generally teach my kids to say "I want to play with this. When will it be my turn?" rather than "can I play?" If it's a public playground, the question is not *whether* to share, but *when* to share.

Explain that sometimes people feel like playing alone. Sometimes they feel like playing with kids they already know. Sometimes they feel like playing with new kids. Sometimes they feel like playing with bigger kids. Sometimes they feel like playing with smaller kids. And *none* of this has anything to do with him.

When my four year old comes home from preschool saying "so and so doesn't like me", my standard response is "well, I guess they don't know you very well yet." This attitude has given her complete confidence that everyone will get to like her eventually. And indeed, many of the kids who "didn't like her" for months are now her best buddies.

I have a 3 year old son too and I see this happen all the time. But I think I look at it a different way and then so does he. I just think--- why would big kids want to play with a "baby"? I would never expect a group of older boys to include my son, even though he often wants to play with them. I will just be honest, but casual about it. I say "those big boys seem very busy playing their game. Wow--- do you see that PERFECT climbing tree over there?!"..... I think maybe because YOU take it so personally that your son takes it personally. Kids can sense our inner emotions about things. Teach him to let it roll off his back by letting it roll off of yours a little...
another idea to get kids his own age to play with him at the park: bring some really great toys (trucks, sand toys, etc) with you... eventually another child will want to play with the toys and when they come over to ask, your son and this child can take turns. Taking turns and sharing is a great way to make friends...

You are making much to big of a deal out of this and I can guarantee that your son senses YOUR disappointment when the other kids do not respond to him. He is really young for making friends in the manner you want him to. At that age it was always kind of happenstance if my kids made a friend at the playground. Sometimes they clicked but more times than not they didn't. I have always told my kids to just jump in and start playing with the kids. Asking sets them up for the disappointment that your son is finding. Now that my kids are older it has become appropriate at
times to ask. My younger son (7)has no trouble going up to a kid and asking if they want to play and that answer is almost always yes.

I know it is hard but you really do need to take a step back and let your son figure things out for himself. The thing is this kind of thing is only going to get worse-much worse really. I can't tell you how sad I have felt for my boys at times when they have been left out or someone has been mean to them. But I realize now that it was ME who was most upset about this. By staying out of it and letting them work it out they were really ok with being dissed by another kid. It's an essential part of growing up to figure out how you relate to others. As parents we cannot figure this out for them.

I agree with Karen Crisalli W's post.

And, I see playground equipment as first come first served. I have always just taught my daughter to be patient to wait for another child to be done with their turn. I have never coached her to go interrupt another child's turn at the park, because I don't think that letting my child have a turn is urgent enough to interrupt the other child's turn. My daughter knows to wait for the swing or whatever to be available, and has had no problems with that. We have never had to wait that long for a child to move on to something else.

Take your role playing to the next level. Show him that the answer will not always be "yes I will play with you." Show him through role play other ways to react to the answer "no" that are different from being sad/mad/wanting to leave the park.

Another thing....perhaps you might not realize that many kids do have a level of shyness around strangers and strange kids....and you might be expecting too much from them.

Sounds like you have a bright and sensitive child. The situations you describe are so utterly common, I believe most children have them. (And probably most observant and tender mommies do, too.) Trying and failing and trying again is an awful lot of what life is about for a 3yo. And, sometimes, trying and succeeding!

Role-play similar situations at home. Act out a range of results. Talk about the feelings that come up – give him names for them so he can express himself. Acknowledge that other kids are not necessarily thinking about him, they are just thinking about themselves and their games, and this is really normal for little kids. They are not trying to be mean, or to make him feel bad. They are just "busy," like sometimes he is busy and doesn't notice what other people want.

I'd be really careful about giving him the message that you just give up if you get discouraged a few times. This will carry over into other areas of his life, and probably eat away at his enthusiasm and determination to conquer new skills and make new friends. I've seen this with my grandson (now a "bigger" 5yo). We've had to help him deal with many, many discouragements. But among those downers have been many bright spots, too. A few children, even a couple of older, bigger boys, who has been thoughtful and done some wonderful coaching. A group of kids who let him into their game.

If you give the message that it's okay to just give up, I think your son's future social possibilities might simply become somewhat truncated. That would be even harder to see in a 3yo than some frustrating experiences.

My best to both of you.

My thought is this. He is still pretty young, and in observing my own kids, I think they really become more assertive around age 5. That seems to be the age when they can take the bull by the horns and persist in making friends in a temporary situation like the park playground. It does sometimes take some effort to make friends when other kids don't know you!

To help him for now, why not try to have play dates at the park? For instance if you know another mom with a child your son already knows and likes, ask them to come to the park with you. Then your son already has one friend, and more than likely, other "singleton" kids will come up and ask if they can play, too. Another trick is if your playground has sand, have him bring a few buckets and shovels. Once other kids see him playing, they will come up and ask if they can play. That has always worked for us!

Good luck! This is a tough age because they are old enough to know they want friends, but not old enough to really be good at making friends yet. Remember, he is just past the "playing parallel" stage, so friendships where he actually interacts with other kids are pretty new. He will get it soon!

I didn't read through all the answers, but this is my first thought. Find another child around his age to play with one-on-one. Establish a relationship with another child and schedule play-dates. Once your son has had some playdates, it may build his social self-confidence. You may already do this, but I'm thinking that if your son can get a good friend, he may realize that it's not "him", so to speak. The kids at the playground will most likely be there with another friend, or at least see other kids they recognize. They may be more of a "pact". We all know that being outside the pact can be a lonely place. He's only 3, so he has a lot of play time in his future. He will eventually learn that some kids just don't like playing with kids they don't know/strangers. Others, will say "Ok", and the rest is history.

I agree with some previous posts. Sometimes he's just going to be too little to play with the other kids. That doesn't mean its nice for kids to ignore him. However, in situations of sharing toys etc. I would be more of an advocate for your son. Have him ask for a turn politely and if after a few moments the other child is ignoring your son and the other child's parent is not stepping in, then I would speak directly to the other child. " My son would like a turn now, thanks." You don't want to put your son in that direct of a situation and have him feel embarassed...even though he shouldn't, but I think that is the natural feeling when you are just dismissed. Playgrounds can be tough, especially if other parents aren't really doing their jobs! - Good luck

I think you have pretty high expectations. At age 3-4 kids haven't really developed many social skills yet (without their parents there to prod them to be polite, play or give a turn). They are most likely not going to say "goodbye" if they have been playing with your son and then leave to do something else. They may or may not give your son a turn on their own. I don't think they're trying to be rude. It's just the age. Kids still need to be reminded by their parents to give turns, say hi or goodbye.

When he sees a group of older kids playing you know they are most likely not going to want to play with him because he is younger. Don't set him up for failure by expecting them to want to play with him. It is okay to tell him "those kids are older and like to play with kids their own age." Say it positively, matter of fact. This is the way it is and it is nothing to feel bad about.

You can be positive and tell your son that other kids are still learning how to be a good friend. Some kids will want to play, others won't. If someone doesn't want to play say "that's okay, lets go and do "x", maybe later someone else will want to play.

He is learning that the world does not revolve around him like it does at home. Just because he wants to play with whomever, does not mean that they will always want to play with him. It's really not personal, they don't even know him. But mom, he is absolutely sensing your sadness and disappointment with this and rest assured, he is somehow internalizing it and blaming himself somehow.

You have some great suggestions to choose from. Good luck and don't worry so much, he will be fine. Hugs.

He's 3... most kids that age still don't understand the concept of playing together, or saying goodbye, or asking if another kid wants to join in. My DD probably started it around her late 3's or 4, but she is also very social. I do think you're being unrealistic.

And the truth of the matter is that "big kids" are not going to want to play with a 3 year old the majority of the time. My DD is 5 & she much prefers kids her age or older. There is a HUGE difference between 3 & 5, 4 & 6, etc. While I encourage her to play with everyone, I also will not force to play with someone if she doesn't want to.

I don't really think it's anyone's obligation to include or play with my kid, honestly. If you take your kid to the park alone, sometimes they will end up playing alone - that's how the ball rolls when you have an only child, unfortunately. I usually tell her to look for a kid that's playing alone, because the kids that come in groups (generally) aren't that interested in playing with someone new. Sometimes her efforts are rebuffed, and while I feel bad for her, she has learned that it's part of life & she moves on pretty quickly. I just tell her they're not in the mood to play & she seems fine.

I think you need to relax & stop coaching him so much. Let him figure it out & handle it for himself organically. I normally don't intervene unless someone is being intentionally mean or there is potential or an injury. I think kids can sometimes be hindered by too much parental control/involvement in a setting like that.

If your main goal of the park visits is socialization, It sounds like you may be better off joining a mom's group, where he sees the same kids every week. It's a more natural, easy way of socializing. Either that, or some type of mom's day out/preschool setting.

My daughter has always been an extremely friendly, social, everyone is my friend child. She gets hurt also when children are obviously rude or teasing. Raven definitely can tell if a child is shy versus they don't have any 'nice' manners tho she will still try to play with the mean ones.

I just tell her truthfully - "Not everyone is as nice and friendly as you are and not everyone's Mommy knows how to teach their children how to be nice to others." Sometimes she'll stop and concentrate on those who ARE nice, others she'll still try and persuade or be friendly to the mean/rude kids.

Just tell your son, not everyone will want to play or be friends because sometimes other children are just mean and rude. Tell him to keep trying tho, because he will find those who are nice as he is.

Poor little guy. He has a very sensitive heart w/a very structured oriented brain. Right now would be a good time to steer his POV from seeing what the world can offer him to what he can offer the world.

Kids play with any kids who are fun (loud, active, moving), whether they know them or not. Those other kids on the playground (or anywhere else) aren't out to play so they can keep a lookout for any kids who are lonely and so they can approach the lonely kids and invite them to play.

Don't worry about pushing him to use manners. Tell your kid if he wants to play, just go up and play.

I think that you need to focus on creating playdates or a playgroup, so that he can have the chance to make real friends. The playground is a good place, sometimes, to meet other parents and talk to them about playdates, or through church or through meetup.com, etc.

Explain that maybe it's just better to be polite to kids on the playground but not to expect friendships to happen automatically or quickly. Also explain that not all the other kids know the rules of being polite and/or are shy like him and/or just don't know how to act.

Focus on playgroups/playdates where he'll have a chance to play with kids and get to know them and feel more comfortable with them and with himself. Also, try enrolling him in some toddler/preschool classes through the Y or through your local parks and rec system or metroparks system--this is another good place to meet kids of the same age, where they will see each other for more than just a random occasion, and he can develop confidence through the activities/explorations of the class activities, as well as meet some kids that you can invite over for play dates.

At that age, a lot of kids don't know how to play with other kids. So you may be teaching him good manners but the other kids might not be getting that same instruction from their moms. Plus, it sounds like your little guy wants to play with older kids alot which unfortunately is not going to happen. Kids don't like playing with younger kids and a 3 year old is not going to be welcome by 7 year olds, heck even 4 year olds may look down on him. Instead, pour all of your efforts into creating friends for him at this young age who he meets regularly and can play with. Is he in preschool? That would be a wonderful experience for him socially -- you can enroll him part-time. Once they hit age 2, preschool really helps develop their social skills and is fun for them b/c they start to play with each other at that age. Or if you can't afford preschool, try meetup.com and find other moms with kids close to your son's age and plan to meet at a local park. This way, he'll have his own friends to play with and not constantly need to ask to join others which will greatly reduce his rejection quotient which will do a number on his confidence at this rate. Best of luck,

Try a mommy and me group or something that is small where the kids can work closely with one another and you can talk with the moms and possibly have play dates with them at the playgound or home. Kids randomly going up to another child they don't know doesn't really work like it used to, not at that age. I'm not exactly sure why but, honestly he is 3 and it sounds like some of the children are much older then he is. That may be part of the issue. Poor little guy seems like he has a big heart and your a great mom for trying to get him out of his shell and make friends. It's hard to make friends at that age unless they are around the same children every day or play together on a regular basis. Most kids at that age are still quite shy outside of people they know. Good luck.

I'm curious why you're only exposing your son to playground social situations. These are children that he doesn't know and who don't know him, and since you made no mention of parents it also sounds like you have no relationship with these children or their families either.

You're not teaching your son improper etiquette, but you're not putting him in situations where he's on an even and level playing field (so to speak). Check your local public kindergarten for their Family Resource Center and check into play groups that you can schedule him for. They'll have play groups scheduled for kids in town at the elementary schools each week, sometimes more than once a week, for children in the same age group to socialize and play together while the moms chat and socialize. You can also check to see if your town or church (or rotating at members homes or the community center) hosts a MOPS group (Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers) for a similarly scheduled play group.

When we would go to the park, can not find any good ones in our new are :( ... there were days where we would hit the playmate jackpot! Or days where kids wanted nothing to do with him. You just go with the flow of who is there and what is going on. Not all kids are taught how to act at the playground the same way as you are teaching or not at all. At 3 and 4 they are just now learning how to actually play with eachother and make friends but this doesnot mean they are actually looking to make friends where ever they go. I help initiate turn taking if I see that it's not going successfully for my son on his own. I also initiate a conversation with the kids (s) parents if they are active on the play ground like I am ... I stick close by w/out interfering but I am close enough to hear/see what is going on ... often if the kids see the parents talking they are inclined to play together. It's a cruel cruel world out there on that play ground and kids have to learn it earlier than I remember learning it myself.

Hello - your little boy sounds so sweet. It sounds like he is trying to play with kids that are older than he is much of the time. And if it is another 3 year old, in my opinion usually 3 year olds are still learning about social interactions and are not so good at it yet. I can see that often they would just ignore or run away if it is someone they do not know.

My son is 7 and ever since he was very little I have noticed that he is not super interested in playing with kids that are younger than him. I remember when he was 5 he did NOT want to play with another little boy who was 4, etc. But he likes kids his own age or kids that are older. If he is around a boy who is 10 or 14 he thinks they are so cool and wishes to play with them. He will go right up to them sometimes and ask if they want to come over to our house and play. It's kind of funny. On our street we have a couple very nice older boys and very occasionally they will come over for a tiny bit. This makes my son very happy. He will want to play a pretend game with them and obviously they are not interested in pretending to be a pokemon or whatever. My son used to get very upset but in this last year (6-7) he has matured a lot and now he understands. 3 year olds do not understand these kinds of things. To them the world should revolve around them! Of course how often do older kids want to play with a little kid? A 3 year old is so incredibly different physically and emotionally from a 5 year old that many 5 year olds just will not like playing with the 3 year old bc they want to do things that are different. Think of it this way, does your son want to play with 1 year olds at the park? Probably not so much.

If I were you I would have scheduled playdates with other children you think your son will get along with on a regular basis. I'd start off doing it at you (or their) home. Once he has some buddies he "clicks" with (just finding one good buddy is all you need), then start inviting that child to the park with you. Then he will have a friend he can focus on and play with.

Once he get to be school aged he will learn so much about social interactions and things will be very different. Right now I would try not to let him focus on thinking about other kids not wanting to play with him when you are at the park. I'd downplay that by saying those kids are busy right now. Would you like to invite your friend Joey next time to play with you when we come to the park? I'd say, why don't you play with mommy right now bc those kids have their own game. And you yourself should try not to feel so sad about it...it is not personal towards your son!

Another bit of advice - I noticed a couple times that one child brought sand toys and a whole bunch of mini construction trucks to the park to play with in the sand that surrounds all the swings/slides. A bunch the other kids wanted to play with those toys. If your son is the type who would be happy to share and have other kids playing with his toys, this might be a way to lure other children to play with or next to him. :)

You've done very well teaching your child manners. Why don't you play with him at the playground wheather it's catching, chasing or what not, and wait for another child to ask him if he/she can play with you both? That way it'll encourage him to be patient, that someone is coming to him for play instead of the other way around. Be prepared to play together at the park, and once other kids join in slowly move out of the circle so he can mingle on his own.
Is your son in school? If not, wait until he starts. My child has made many friends, and they always meet at the park for ball playing. I felt my son being left out at the park before he started school. Don't worry, and don't dwell on it. Believe it or not yoou child can sense your discomfort.

Regarding your title--I do not think you have taught your child "wrong" playground etiquette. Instead, you will just need to go a little farther in helping your child deal with the realities of other children's social interactions.

Helping your child negotiate the cliquish, complicated, and sometimes cruel world of kids' friendships is extremely difficult. Kids have firm reasons for what they do and who they hang out with, and kindness to other kids they don't know usually doesn't factor into that unless they have a parent gently guiding and teaching them to do so.

Your child is feeling that other kids don't want to play with him because there is something wrong with him. Begin having conversations with him about why other kids act the way they do. Explain that some kids feel uncomfortable around other kids they don't know. They might do things like ignore them or not want to play with them. There is nothing wrong with the "new kid". They just don't know him yet.

When you have a little distance from the situation that happened, try to talk about it like a story. "Once upon a time, there was a very little boy who wanted to play with some bigger kids. The bigger kids didn't want to play and this made the little boy very sad. Can you think of some reasons why the bigger kids didn't want to play with the very little boy?" This can help you move beyond the automatic answer "they didn't like him" to other possibilities, like maybe they wanted to run really fast, maybe they didn't know how to talk to a very little boy, maybe they weren't thinking about how the new boy felt and they just wanted to play with their friends that day.

But of course, the main issue is preparing your child for these situations before and as they arise. Dolls or Lego people can be a big help here. Act out similar scenarios with the toy people and have the little boy sometimes be turned away. Instead of focusing on how "mean" the other kids were, use the opportunity to show how the "new boy" might handle it.

"They said, "No, I don't want to play." So the little boy said, "OK, thanks anyway," and went to play in the sandbox instead. He felt a little sad, but he knew it was just because they didn't know him and didn't know what a fun playmate he was. He thought he might try again another time."

Keep coming back to a couple of key facts for your child to hold onto. "Sometimes big kids don't want to play with littler kids." "They don't know how much fun it is to play with you." "Sometimes it takes a little while to get used to a new kid."

Your child is not too young to appreciate the risks of trying to be friends with a new group. Help inform him of what might happen, good or bad, if he does ask to join them. With time, and with your help, he will become a little more discerning about when to try and ask to join.

Finally, when your child is in a playgroup and is approached by a new child, help him learn to be accepting and welcoming, and to see the parallels with his own experience on the other end.

I hope some of these ideas can help. All the best,

K.
www.smartfirstgraders.com

Yes some kids are mean. Some kids don't connect. What you need to do is give your kid an opener and to also help him to find the kids like him who are by themselves. Many kids are self centered in that they are busy with themselves and what they are doing. Not purposely not playing with your kid. You need to get your kid to the point he can enjoy his own company and kids want to play with him. Like why don't you bring a toy like a basket ball, or tennis balls. Some sidewalk chalk. That way he has something he can play with and maybe some other kid will find him. Also please get him signed up for a mommy and me class or Tball team where he can meet other kids and then you can make play dates witih the mom

You are WAY over thinking this and are going to turn your son into an emotional cripple if you don't back off and take a deep breath. All you have to tell your son is that not everyone has been taught to be nice to others. There. DONE.

This is how the world is and he may as well learn now. This is also why I have very little desire to have friends. I get my desire for adult conversation out on this site and with the people in my house. No matter where you go there will always be others that already know each other and it's hard to be the new person in a group. But I sure as heck am not going to sit around and cry about it and you shouldn't teach your son to. He's got to be picking up in large part on your emotions. He feels in part like he's letting you down. It's YOUR JOB to tell him that the other children just don't want to meet anyone new and that their parents have trained them to be nice to everyone. It's their failing, not your sons.

I can see where it makes a M. sad, but really I think most kids take friends to the park with them and thats who they play with. Sure you will meet the unsocial type now and then, and rude bigger kids who wouldnt be caught dead playing with a "baby". But if you do like you are planning and take a friend along who is there to play with your son, he will have a much better time. And I bet he will be the nice kid who says yes when a strange kid comes up asking to play.

As many have already said, lots of older kids don't want anything to do with the little guys unfortunately for your little guy. Next time there is a group of boys his age at the park, see if you can find their moms. Maybe you can arrange to meet them the next time you come to the park, or have a picnic or something that will make your boy a part of the group. Also, finding a moms' group will help you find him age appropriate friends. Is he in preschool yet? If he's going to go that will be the perfect time for him to make friends. I know it's heartbreaking for you, but he will learn to make friends. My own kids weren't able to sustain play with strangers at the park until they were 4-4 1/2 and more verbal. He's just on the edge now of stretching his social wings. Try not to make a big sad deal out of the other kids' rejection. I think you're doing OK teaching him proper manners!! If there are a variety of playgrounds around, maybe rotating your visits will ease his (and your) anxiety. Hang in there!

I teach my son about what other people (children included) are like, and that not everyone has manners. I taught him to always use manners, even when other people don't. He always says please, thank you, and you're welcome, usually with no prompting. If you reassure your son that "it's not him - it's them" then he won't be (as) disappointed when other kids don't play.

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I feel bad for your little guy and I understand how you are feeling. When my oldest was young there was one kid in the class that would pick on him because he was a new student. He would make everyone else pick on him and be mean to him. He had friends but would have had a lot more if it weren't for that brat. Then in high school he had a friend of a different race and the kids on the sports teams would pick on him about that. They were the ones made him have friends of a different race because they were being jerks to him and the others saw what a cool kid he really is. I am not racist so this didn't bother me but when I would hear that they were talking about his friends of another race like there was something wrong with them I didn't want him to be friends with people like that. I wish more parents would teach their kids to be friends with anyone no matter what race. Maybe you can try to line up play dates with friends from school. Get to be good friends with their parents and eventually you will start meeting at McDonalds or the YMCA. Get him in sports as soon as possible. His self esteem is being hurt by these kids who aren't playing with him. Poor guy. He isn't being sensitive. After so many rejections he wants to give up. I don't blame him.