4 Year Old Son with Speech Impairment a Bully Magnet

My nephew will be 3 in December and he has the same problems. He does not talk at all and can be very aggressive to new kids that he meets. He is in an early intervention preschool which has helped him some because he learns to play nicer with just a few kids. I'm all for small groups because having him watch my son play nice has helped him know how to play.

Oh, M., my heart goes out to you and your little boy. It is a hard age to be going through speech issues when trying to navigate the playground. There are two kinds of play bullies--ones who bully because of impairment, and others who bully because they percieve a threat. I suggest you take your boy to introduce him to the others in a new situation. Tell them, This is <<< and he has had to have a special surgery on his mouth, so you might not be able to understand him, but he'll try hard to talk with you. You may even want to show them, and explain that you can help too. My experience is that kids are very receptive to different, if explained. Someone may say I would be displaying your boy, but the kids are curious and scared of things (including eyepatches, hearing aids, leg braces etc) until they get it out of their system. Once the novelty wears off, they won't give it a thought. Also, there is a good chance, if a few get to know him, that they will explain it to others. I have worked with disabled kids for years and this seems to work best when integrating a new kid on the block. Sending prayers for success.

Hi M.,
You didn't mention, but are you seeing a speech therapist? I would definately recommend that for sure.
This is tricky because if your son's speech is limited, it would be more difficult for him to communicate with other kids.
When my son (4 1/2) starts getting too rough, we tell him that he has to use his words. Usually he's getting physical because he's totally overstimulated and is not sure yet just how to regulate himself. We have noticed through play and therapy that he will use crashing or spinning as a way to calm himself down. I would urge to to look for things that your son does when he starts getting physical. Like what sets him off right before?
I also do alot of naming of his emotions for him. Like when he's freaking out I'll say, "You look really mad right now," or "You seem really excited right now" so that he can start adding these emotional meanings to his vocabularly. There have been times when he's gotten overwhelmed and rather than being physical he has said, "I'm so mad right now!" Which was just awesome!
Also, its important for us to set a boundary for playing. If we're hosting a playdate, I will sit and talk with Ben about his toys and we will put things away that he doesn't want to share. I will tell him that he needs to use his words if he gets upset or excited- that hitting is not a choice. I do all of this before the company comes so he knows what is expected of him.
I think the more you work with them, the more you name their emotions and the more give them expectations/boundaries the easier this will get. I hope that was helpful!
blessings,
J.

Do you have contacts to make arranged playdates with kids his age (a moms club or school student directory?) It can be hard playing with just anyone at the park like as an adult you don't always click with everyone you meet. The more kids play together and become friends the easier it is for them to feel comfortable and find games to play. My 4 yr old is just starting with imaginative play, but it seems easier when he knows the child or children he is playing with and what they like. I also try to interact with my children and older kids. I will stay close to my kids and play with them as I talk and get the older children (and mom if she is close by) involved and help with interactions and games. Sometimes if I see play isn't okay, we take a "nature walk" for a bit and then return to the park.

very difficult situation. I feel your pain. We take our son to pediatric interactions for social group. They teach him how to interact socially, and how to express himself. He has a speech impediment among OTHER things. Most importantly, I keep close with other moms' who have children of special needs, we support eachother and the kids have regular kid fun, accepting their differences. I'd be most concerned with your son's self esteem. That's what bothers me the most. I don't want my son to beleive what others say of him, especially since they don't all understand. I'm not sure what to suggest, hope you find these words of some use.

I'm sorry to hear about the problems with your son. Kids can be mean when they don't understand and maybe their confusion with your son's speech difficulties has lead to the aggression towards him. You may want to try to introduce your son to the other children and explain to them that he can't talk that well yet. And then just leave them and see what happens. Also, it may be good to try to get another child to take your son under his wing. I would only intervene and remove your son if necessary to avoid physical harm to him or the other kids. (I'm a firm believer in letting the kids resolve their own problems and you're not always going to be there to protect him.) I wouldn't bother telling the other parent that his or her kid is a bully, because if he/she hasn't figured it out already he/she is in denial.

Also, I can relate, my daughter who just turned three has her own speech problems as well (basically her speech is delayed and she really hasn't started making any type of intelligible sounds). Because of her problems speaking (and maybe because of her temperment), my daughter doesn't really join in with other kids and has just started playing with her twin brother and older sister (age 5). But because of her speech delay, my daughter can be very aggressive - I think that is just because she gets frustrated because she can't tell people what she wants. My daughter has started (slowly) going out of her shell with other kids.

GOOD LUCK!

Did the speech therapist have any suggestions? It seems like she/he would have the most experience with kids who have dealt with this specific problem.

Is he better one-on-one or in a small group? It seems like some social skills practice in a more controlled environment would be helpful. (in a small group or with one or two kids at your house.) I also wonder if the excitement of big groups is adding overstimulation to the mix and he's a little overwhelmed by everything that's going on.

Does he sign at all? I am sure you want him to practice his speech as much as possible, but it seems like in limited-communication situations like the park with strangers it might be helpful for him to have another way to communicate. (not that random kids will necessarily know sign language, but he could use gestures for many things - and maybe the other kids' parents would get a hint right away that they might need to keep an eye on things.)

Anyway, based on experience with my son (ADHD and sensory integration issues at that age) I would try to avoid the situations that are going to be overwhelming or that provoke the problems - he will be a kid for a long time, no need to rush things! Find a quieter time of day to use the playground, for example, where there are fewer kids around. If he's not in preschool, see if your school district can offer anything; maybe they have an inclusion preschool group where special needs and typical children are all included and teachers are trained to help kids with social situations.

Best wishes to you! I think this age can be really hard for all kids and parents. They are able to do a lot more, but the judgment just isn't there yet for a lot of kids and they still spend a lot of time in their own fantasy worlds.

My son is 5 and he has autism. I know it's not the same thing, but my son also has a really hard time playing with other kids. We got him enrolled in a social skills group. This is helping us alot. You might look into it and see if there is a social skills group for kids his age. My son's group is through ISU and it has 6 other boys who also have special needs. They teach them appropriate ways to initiate play and conversation etc. I also know that our local easter seals also has a social skills group.

I have learned early that my 2yr old has dislexia. An unfortunate inheritance from older brother and dad. My son is stil not speeking and does not communicate in general. So I was given this number to "intervention." I'm still in the evalution process so I can't really give much results, but my son is starting to respond to them so I can feel that this will b affective. They deal with A LIST of issues. Speech, communication, diet, behavior, and so much more. If u feel this program would be useful, I'd be happy to give u the number and/or any more information bout it. -B. m

I know what I would have done: I would have spoken to the parent of the bully right away and informed them, in a gentle, non-accusatory way of what their child looked like he was going to do. Most parents do not want to have a bully for a child, but until someone tells them, they could not know about it for years. In doing this, you are protecting future bully targets. Possibly your son would have displayed aggressive behavior without having a cleft palate. Explain, again and again, that playing a tough guy will make him unpopular. Give him some credit for cleverly coming up with a game that suits his situation, this shows that he wants to play with others, a good trait. Until his speech improves limit playing with a big group of kids. Another idea is if he doesn't respond to this coaching from you, let him experience the consequences of his actions, i.e. don't intercede immediately and let the other kid(s) get at him a little. Then he will understand what you are talking about and you can refer to the incident when you speak to him about how to play nicely with others.

It's a good thing that your son is still interacting, even though he isn't talking as much as is typical. Another really good thing I noticed in your message is that he's able to engage kids in play... albeit older, aggressive ones. Perhaps you can find some fun, imaginative games that tend to come across less alarming to mild-mannered kids. Try pretending to be a farmer feeding animals, parade/marching band, or restaurant/cashier. He may gravitate to the fists and monster play because it's comfortable and worked in the past to engage play, but eventually he'll get more comfortable with other play, too. I liked the suggestion to get to the park at quieter times, and be involved in the interaction at first. Observe what play is happening with other kids, and explain to your child what they are doing. It may spark his interest enough to go over to the mild play already in progress.

Good luck! I feel your pain!

Maybe the big groups at the park are just too hard for him to break into or be accepted by with his speech issues, so he resorts to what he can do to get attention - be physical. I would aim for small playdates where you can help him navigate the social scene. You could even meet a playdate at the park so he has the space but can feel part of a social group and not have to resort to other methods to interact. Best of luck to you and your little guy.