I Dont Know What to Do Anymore

I am 32 years old and getting back on my feet financially after my divorce. I had similar situations and i have told my mom that if she is going to continue to undermine me and not let me make the rules with my daughter, we will be out of there quicker than she realizes, so what is it going to be? i understand her point of view and i have considered it, but i want it my way, becuase i am the mom and i am responsible for. Even at my age, she is my first born and yes, still learning. But i my threat was taken seriously with her and she said ok, she will stop. It would have been soo hard to move out on my own but i was ready becuase it was my happiness i was talking about. I would really stand up. say that you appreciate her concerns but her spoiling him (reference examples) are going to make his behavior even worse. If she doesnt 'get it', i would really look for another place. 1 Bedroom apartments arent that much $. Best wishes.

Your mother is COMPLETELY in the wrong and is making motherhood hard on you. You child is only going to get worse and when you do finally move out on your own you will have to deal with the results of your mom ruining your childs respect for you. You need to mother your mother on this. Stand up for yourself or you will only have yourself to blame. I am a single mother of three and delt with the same thing. I had to leave cause my kids were no longer my kids it seemed sometimes. I am so happy I did. And as much as I encourage education. ALWAYS remember that your job as a mother is #1 and any career can wait. My children are now 7,8 and 9 and I finally have the career I wanted a little later than I wanted but my children respect and love me and I have a healthy relationship with them. I would not have that right now if I did not leave. The spoiling can have long term effects if it is not nipped in the but now.

C., you are a young mother doing everything possible. don't ruin your career you are doing fine. I went thru the same thing until I moved out with my son. My mother went as far as to have me sign a piece of paper telling me it was just a pre-caution so his father couldn't get him. of course she worked for a lawyer so I believed her. I first had to leave my son there because what I signed was temporary custody. I was young and had no idea. after I got my own place and could only see him on the weekends I asked her what I needed to do to get him back. She said I needed to prove myself to the judge. when I asked for the judges name and stuff she started crying. It wasall a lie she said the judge never dated it so I new she was full of ---- I have had my son ever since but it can happen to anyone. have you heard of the beta house? It is time to get out or you will lose. Trust me.hang in there. he's your prince charming not hers.

If at all possible, move.

C. you need to find a way to get away from your mother and out of her house. I'm not sure where you live but you could Try your local hospital - they always have resources that they can refer you to, call the county, you could google halfway houses or shelters (until you get on your feet), you could try finding a room for rent in a private home. Your mom is emotionally abusing you and you need to get away from her. She has the potential to be a horrible influence on your baby. You have to think long term for your son's sake. Get away from her as soon as you can. Best wishes to you.

I'm real sorry to hear about your predicament with your mother. This is a tough case. First there are the simple fact that boundaries need to be established between you and your mother. She the grandma and your the mother of Jason. Plain and simple. Your roles in your son's life are very different. However, with you living with her the lines seemed to have blurred and not only is there the "Mother knows best" attitude looming over your head but also the "your in my house" vibe going on. That's just a form of emotional and finacial manipulation in order to have her own way in her home and with her grandson. Trust me I know about such things. People in general don't like it when boundaries are set so do expect some negative feedback from your mother. The day when you have your own place and have to raise your son without any interference is soon coming, and she will not be the one to have to deal with any behavior issues that are down the road. YOU WILL. So put your foot down in a calm and logical manner. Don't let emotional tantrums from your mom or son sway from what is right for you and your son. I'm sure your very appreciative of all the things your mother has done to help you. But that doesn't give her the right to make the decisions on how your son is raised or to hold anything financial over your head. You do for your family because you love them, not because you want to rub it in their nose later on to make yourself feel better about yourself. Best of luck C.. Congrats on getting your education. Bravo!!!

HI C.,

I went through some of the same things you went through. With being a single parent and living with my mom. Although I love my mom, I truly have to say I begin to love and understand her more once I moved out. You have to consider your son first and foremost. You don't ever want him to think that there's always a way around what mommy says. It's only right for you to demand repect as the parent, and by all means you should have it. But being in someone elese house you really can't do much. That's why I agree with the other mother's, you have to go out on your own.

It will probably wont be as easy at first being on your own. But it's well worth it to have sanity in your life. You should look into programs that help single parents,because that type of stress will play a part in every aspect of your life,and could be really damaging. I will pray that you find peace in this situation.

Hi C.,

Is there anyone else you can live with, a friend or relative?
It seems unfathomable to me that a Mother herself would treat her own daughter so poorly. Has she given you any reasons for her behavior? What on Earth would prompt her to call the police? There are programs out there for single mothers. There is a housing program dowtown, I actually sent my own sister there. (She was being abused by her boyfriend & I could not afford to take care of her & her child) So I sent her there and they offer housing & employment & schooling. It's a working house, you have chores & share space with others. I know it's not the best situation but it's sounds better than having the police called. I can not remember the name of the program, it has been several years since I looked it up, I will give it a try to find it for you & email you back. But you can also look into things, there are several goverment programs as well. I would not stop talking to your mother about her behavior & concerns. If you plan on staying, get a mediator. A mutual aquaintance (You can also hire a professional, like people do for divorces) that could filter through the issues & help you 2 navigate the problems & work on boundaries & your individual roles in the childs life. I hope some of this helps, I have never been in your situation, so I can not begin to know how you feel, but know someone is praying for your situation to get better.

My mom came to stay with us when our baby was born and it was a nightmare. I finally got up the courage and told her I did not like the relationship we were creating. I also said if this continues, you will push us away and you may not see your grandchild. I backed it up with a little positivity...you did a fantastic job raising me, now its my turn. She needs to trust you in being a mom. She should be proud of you and the way you turned out, after all you are your mother's daughter. It killed me to talk to her like this but she got the point loud and clear. If you cannot talk to your mom and express your feelings clearly, I suggest consoling and seperation. I know financially it may be rough, but your sanity and your child's welfare are far too important to put on the back burner. He is already learning to pin the 2 of you against each other. Where there is a will, There is a way! Believe in yourself, you are FABULOUS! God Bless

First, I'm so sorry about your situation. It's hard enough being an first time mom without constant ridicule and undermining. I take it your son's dad is out of the picture?
Which means basically you and your mom are your son's parental figures and when one parent is undermining another like your moms is doing to you, it really isn't helping the child at all!
And though sure, moving out would be the easy and most immediate answer, I have a feeling it's not financially feasible for you.

I agree with the whole counseling thing. It seems that you are kind of stuck financially with living with your mom. I'm sure you are paying little to no rent and have a free babysitter. Two things that can be completely unfordable if you are working your way through school!
First look to your school--not sure which one you are attending, but I know UCF has free services for students. Your school may also be able to point you in the right direction if they don't have the services there on campus.
Second, (and I'm not a big Church person myself) but if you go to church--look there, many churches have free family counseling or similar resources.
Your mom really needs to understand her boundaries, and you need to be able to express those to her.

Something you can do immediately is get some resources that back up what you want to do and how you want to raise your child. Look at books like the Baby Whisperer series (she has a very good one on raising toddlers that would be my first pick for you to read and give to your mom--http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Baby-Whisperer-Toddlers-Tra...) all of which are available in the library.
Maybe having some professionals to back you up (like its fine and sometimes necessary to let a child cry), will help your cause since your mom seems to think you don't know anything about raising your own child.

And if at all possible, sit down and talk to your mom like an adult and let her know how you feel about this. Do it when the baby is sleeping and don't wait for an issue or a fight. Do it calmly and start with "I need to talk to you about..."
tell her how important it is for you as the parent to make decisions regarding your son and for her to back you up. Give her the books to read and tell her this is what you want to do, etc. Tell her what you do expect from her as the grandparent and what is crossing the line. Spell it out for her!\, but in a calm adult way. (I would actually write it all out first before you talk to her so you can get your thoughts and points together) Finally if she gives you much grief, let her know (calmly again) that when you move out you want her to continue to be in you and your child's life, but how hard that will be if she continues to undermine you.

Good luck! Changes won't happen over night. You are your moms baby (just think about your son) and she is having a seriously hard time adjusting to your adulthood...

I don't know what area you work and go to school in but you should be able to get some help, in the form of foodstamps and WIC, and possibly in housing help as well. I know of several places in Cape Coral and on Pine Island hat have very reasonable rent, or that you could share and rent easily.

I don't know how much time you have for outside work, but I own a company called Ladybug Childcare and we specialize in babysitters, many of our jobs you can take your child with you. Visit my website and give me a call, ###-###-####.
http://ladybugchildcare.org

OMG! I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I want you to know that sone things such as grandma picking him up everytime he cries is something my mother does too and it drives me insane.

I am 26 and it doesn't matter that you are 21. I'm not even a single mom and it still is sucky because as much as I want my mom to be involved she makes me feel somewhat the same.

Your mother calling the police is a line that was crossed in my opinion. If there was an emergency you call 911, not the police. She is adding to your stress because she can and because she wants to be important to jason. My best friend was in your exact shoes except she was renting from her mother and her mom would come in and out of the house with no notice, told her that her babies father couldn't come visit, and would even try and manage her finances. .. if Michelle didn't like it she would throw in her face, "where else are you gonna go?"

Ironically my friend is a nurse and moved to West palm. She's looking to come back but I think the two of you could discuss a few things. Maybe even room together/work together or something when it gets to that point.. who knows.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for what you are going through. My mom is moving out in May and a part of me is sad because I wanted her here to support me with my new business ventures and taking care of the kids if I get too busy, but even so it adds so much more stress. .. also, during my husbands abscense, she made me feel terrible for wanting to go out or meet someone.. he's back now and it all worked out but having that sense of being single I felt like I could never bring someone home.. ya know.

Best of luck and please call me or email if you'd like Michelle's phone number. Her ex-boyfriend called the cops on her for trying to take isabelle and he was drunk at the time! So now she has a file on her... it's absolutely ludicrous!

J.
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Simply Cookies Company
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C.,
First of all let me say congrats for being the strong woman that you are and continuing to better your life by going to school. As far as being too young, I had a 3 year old and a one year old by the time I was your age and managed to know how to take care of my kids without the nagging "help" of an older woman. You may not like my advice, but it's what I think. Get out of her house, she obviously doesn't respect you as a mother, as a daughter, or as an adult, and as long as you rely on her she never will. Public assistance is out there for people who are like you, who will need it only to get through a difficult time in life and then will not need it. It's not meant to be long term. Get your own place, get assistance, get away from her. She will see that you can handle things by drawing from resources of your own and that you don't need her as judge and jury. She is teaching your son to disrespect you, and in this day and age that is already a big enough problem. Please keep enduring, this too shall pass, don't give up on school. You can do both and it will make your son's life much better in the long run. Good luck and God Bless,
M.

C., everyone is telling you to get away from your mom & while this might be the answer in the long-run it seems to me that you need help NOW.
what I suggest is that you get into some counseling and once you've established a counseling relationship with your therapist then invite your mom to come to some of the sessions so you guys can work on some issues. It seems to me that it is important to have family to rely on & if you simply just move out without workingthrough some things, you might regret it later. If she refuses to come to therapy with you (again, this should be for YOU initially & then later you can decide w/ your therapist about inviting her 'in'), then at least you can learn some coping and communication skills that will not only help you with this situation with you mother (I hope) but will also help you with future situations like with a boss or even friends...

Hope this helps!
oh yeah, I'm not saying that you shouldn't check out the resources that everyone posted for you- I bet those places can help you with finding counseling :-)

~L.

I have heard of this place, but I'm not sure how it works. It might be worth checking into so you can get out from under your mom. http://www.lifelinefamilycenter.org/index.html

Can the baby's daddy help or the other set of grandparents? You need to get out of that situation.

Hello congrats on going back to school. There is public housing where the rent is based on your income. If she wont listen to you when you try to talk to her then try writing her a letter yea i know this may sound stupid but then you can write everything that is on your mind. and she can read it. then you wont have to worry about not yelling at her. and sometimes its easier for some one to write a letter to explain there feeling then it is to just tell them. Is this her first grand child? She maybe tryin to do for him what she couldnt do for you when ou was a child but still there is a limit. Im not tryin to take up for her. or take sides. Im just sayin that may be a case. But callin the police she should of neva did. But the place for housin ass. is on ridgewood in the channel 2 news building 2nd floor. if your in daytona.. I hope this helps.

This really sounds like a miserable situation, and I feel sorry for you. Once you become a nurse you will have a solid income
and can move anywhere you want and support yourself.
Make it through nursing school - Just use her right now to babysit and then when you are out of school the tables will turn in your favor.

This may be impossible right now, but make plans on moving out and finding other help with your son. I had to as soon as I finished my nursing program. I tried to have honest conversation with my mom and sometimes things got easier for a bit, but.... Good luck and I will pray for your situation.

my mom did some things like that. but not that severe. i only had to live with my mom after i got divorced for a few months. i had this one time i got onto my son for something and he went running to my mother crying. i told her to not pick him up that he was in trouble, so she sat down on the floor so he could get in her lap, i got onto my mother and told her that was the same damn thing. i felt like i was getting onto two kids. she got up. but i think she felt sad because he was crying. i don't know your mother and dont want to talk bad about someone i dont know, but to call the cops on you, that is taking it too far. i feel bad that as a first time mom you are haveing to deal with this type of situation to make you question your mothering. and at 18 months old, they are so much fun. we all have made mistakes as a mother and learn from them. i'm sure she made mistakes with you as well. i know it would be hard to just move out on your own, going to school and working. i wish i had a room, i'd tell you to come stay with me and my family, you need to get out of that place before you get to a bad depressed state. there is a place called The Beta House. it is on lake underhill rd. or its the Beta Center. i found a # in the phone book. this is like a plac that helps young mothers. if they cant help you they would know someone that can.there's two differnt #'s
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hope this helps.

Hi C.,

I'm so sorry to hear all the pain that you have been going through. I would say the only option that I can see is simply having to move out.

I remember seeing on a talk show, a website you can go to, to find other single mother roommates. Maybe if you googled it, it might show up. But I would definitely look into finding another place to live.

Also if you do some research there might be a battered/abused women's shelter in your town. I understand you are not "battered" in the literal sense of the word, but at least it will give you time to get on your own two feet and find a more permanent place to live for you and your son.

Your mother is not setting a good example to your son by spoiling him, it may not be too bad now, but it will only make disciplining him even more difficult.

I've met a few single Moms who live together in a special single mother's home, and the only requirement is that you have to be enrolled in school fulltime. They rpovide room and board, but you are required to be drugfree, follow the set curfew and be enrolled in school. This is in Gainesville. I'm not sure if you live here, if not again call around and see if there is a simliar program that you might be eligible for.

Please keep us up here updated on how things go.

Take Care, I.

PS yahoo answers is a great website too!

Hello C.,

Let your Mom know that you are Jason's Mother. Tell her that your glad that she's a great Grandmother to him. Ask her if your Grandmother was controlling when you were born. Tell her that you are Jason's Mom. Every parent makes mistakes that's how we learn to be better parents. Try to use a sense of humor when you talk to her that usually helps. If, you combine all your responses you'll have all the answers. Good Luck.

I'm not sure there is any good advise besides try to find a way to move out a.s.a.p!!!! Good Luck I hope it works out for you!

Is there a way that you can sit her down and explain to her that constantly giving into the baby is creating a whole new problem? Children at that age are supposed to get frustrated and upset, especially when we say no. I lived with my parents until I was married at 26, I now know that my parents still thought of me as their child (in the baby sense). Everything was under a microscope.

I would just try to talk to her. Explain that you are the parent, and as the mother, you have set goals you want achieved by certain stages in his life. Talking instead of screaming...learning control...whatever you can think of. Explain that you want to teach these to your son, and it can't be done if she is undoing everything you try to accomplish.

Don't be as blunt, as moms are sensitive especially if it is coming from her own child that her parenting skill are under scruteny (spelling). But explain that you are seeing a pattern that could become very unhealthy for him. Be firm, but also kind, as she is doing a good thing for you providing the home you live in. Maybe if you include her in, giving her a few tasks to do or work with.

Ask her (this might hurt to hear the answer) what she sees or feels about the situation you are in, and ask her what role she thinks she is in at the moment. Maybe if you had her say it out loud...she still thinks of herself as the parent of both you and your son.

Good luck
Jen

what school are you going to? have you thought asbout looking for a roomate and tring this on your own? what about a mommie and me group? just a few suggestions.

best of luck

heathher

Oh honey i totally feel your pain!!! I too lived with my mother when my son was first born and that lasted for about 13 month's It's very hard when you have no where else to go. It took me until my son was 13 mos to get out of there and it was somewhere i didnt want to go..Up north.. I don't know your whole situation but if she is calling the cop's and making the children act out or say thing's, I hate to say it but, Is she trying to take him away from you? I mean why would she do that? Is this the first grand child? My best advice would be of course get out of there!! But that's easier said than done.. Obviously she doesn't respect you enough to listen to you and it's only going to get worse.. But if you have to bite your tongue it is her house and she is holding this over you because she know's she can.. I don't know your financial situation but if you can save some money and leave, there are plenty of public assitance to help you with daycare, housing etc.If that's not an option for you then try to stick it out until you get your degree. Please email me private if you want to talk and i can help you with some more questions
But if it's this bad sweetie you have to do something for your sanity and your son's !!
God bless and i wish you all the best It's so hard when your stuck in a situation with your mother!!

It's time for you to look into programs to help get you out of the house and on your feet. You are a single young mother who will qualify for food stamps, housing, insurance, child care. It's time to be on your own, even though you are young, you are a mother in a situation that is proving to be unstable for you and YOUR child so time to take action and move on I am sorry you are going through this.

Hey C.,
Girl, I sympathize with you! My mom was so overbearing with me growing up and I really hold a resentment towards her still. Your situation sounds more extreme. My advice is to keep in mind that her mental state must be kinda off if she is calling the police. That says obsessive/compulsive to me in a BIG way. No matter what you do, you can not change her. I learned that the hard way, by trying for years and years and totally unproductive. You are going to school full time and she is watching Jason during the day, I assume? So maybe if you can be the adult she can't be, you take a step back and let her do her thing. The less you fight her, the easier she will be to deal with. (in my experience)

Maybe you can remind her that babies HAVE to cry to learn that their needs will get met, its part of social and emotional development. How about sending me an email, if you ever want to put our sons in the stroller and go for a walk at the park.
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Remember that you only have to deal with one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, or what happened yesterday. TODAY is a gift that's why its called the Present!

Trust your instincts,
S.