Husband Doesn't Want More Kids - Highland Park,IL

Well some things change and I am glad he is honest about it rather than going for it and being regretful and resentful later. I can tell you are heartbroken, but really it is better he is honest than giving you the baby and then backing off because he just doesn't want to help out.

hi I just wanted to reach out. I am in the same boat as you. I was really looking forward to the responses you received. I have been trying to take the approach of be happy with the healthy child you have. i still can't help dwelling on what I feel as a missing piece of me I keep hoping that given a bit more time he might come around

When my dd was that age, I could not IMAGINE having another baby. I was absolutely exhausted and while I loved her more than my own life, I just couldn't see doing it again. But when she was three, that feeling changed because I realized how fleeting babyhood was. It turns out I'm not really a small baby person. I enjoyed it and all, but I LOVE the 3 year old and above stage. When she was 4.5 I had a little boy. And they love each other more than you can imagine. I think it has to do largely with their age gap, too.

My DH was not too involved or interested in DD as a baby, though he loved her and helped out with her, which worried and saddened me. I made a bigger deal of it than it was, I'm sure. He adored her. He just didn't really get sucked in like I did. She wasn't too interested in him, either and I felt like he was missing out in such a terrible way. But now she's nearly eight and they can't get enough of each other. After spending the summer travelling just me and the kids, she has made a hard and fast rule about no playdates on weekends or after five, because that's when Papa is not working. He snuggles up and they read poetry together, go for bike rides, no matter what they do, they're just so in love it floors me. I'm not sure how it happened, but they're closer than I ever imagined. He gets teared up about how much he loves her just about every single day. It's crazy beautiful.

He's even told me recently that he would adopt another (we're fixed) if I wanted to. We were sure we were done, but a baby came up who was in a potentially bad situation and he offered. Sometimes it takes a while to understand what a joy parenthood is.

Give him some time. He might not be a baby person. Maybe he just needs to see what it's like when your little one gets a little older.

Good luck.

This is hard. I can definitely understand your disappointment. I just thought that I would share my perspective on it in the hopes that it will help you. I only ever wanted one child. I myself am an only child, and loved my childhood! I wouldn't want to change a single thing about it, and have never missed having a sibling. My opinion didn't change when I met my husband, who argues constantly with his sister, even though they live on different continents.

Fast forward to our first child being born. This darling child did not sleep during her first year of life. It was almost like she was super-human. Who can go for a whole year without sleep? She can. I had horrible post-partum depression (probably because unlike my superhero oldest child, I NEED SLEEP). Meanwhile, my husband was doing the full-court press to have more kids. Needless to say, I wasn't a huge fan of that idea.

He pushed and pushed and pushed, and finally I relented. We had a second child. Now, don't get me wrong, my younger daughter is the light of my life. I wouldn't change her for anything. BUT... it would have been WAY, WAY easier for us to just have one child. Financially, emotionally, in all ways. I love both of my children so much, but I can find no fault with people who stopped at one. My girls fight ALL THE TIME - they are as different as oil and water, and I hate the constant conflict in our household. I wish they could be friends, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. So we live in a war zone half the time.

As for my husband and I, originally his master plan was for us to have 3 or 4 kids. After #2 was born, I told him that I was done. He had a hard time accepting that, but finally he went and had a vasectomy and recently he told me he's so glad we stopped when we did.

Enjoy your son. Try not to think of him as your incomplete family. Maybe you got it just right on the first try! =)

You should try this conversation again a bit later. When our first son was 1 1/2 I felt that our family was complete. But once the little guy becomes a bit less work, your husband may reconsider.

Having another baby is a lot of work, but when the kids are a bit older it has the advantage that they play with each other. As much as I like playing Candyland and Shoots and Ladders I'm glad that they can play those things together now. Also I don't need to climb the jungle gym every time we go to the playground since the two of them keep each other company.

Updated

You should try this conversation again a bit later. When our first son was 1 1/2 I felt that our family was complete. But once the little guy becomes a bit less work, your husband may reconsider.

Having another baby is a lot of work, but when the kids are a bit older it has the advantage that they play with each other. As much as I like playing Candyland and Shoots and Ladders I'm glad that they can play those things together now. Also I don't need to climb the jungle gym every time we go to the playground since the two of them keep each other company.

I was in the same situation as you are. I had my daughter when I was 35 and my husband was 43. I had a very difficult delivery that ended in surgery and complications and my husband had to care for me and a new baby. He lost 15 lbs in about one month. He was dead set against having more children and my husband is the most stubborn person on the planet. For years I accepted that I would only have one child but once my daughter turned 4 and has no young cousins and not many kids in the neighborhood to play with I finally convinced him that we could handle the short term workload of a baby and that we should look at the bigger picture. I'm glad that he finally came around. I am now 40 and my husband is 48 and we were lucky enough to get pregnant with a baby boy! I hope that as time passes maybe your husband will come around. I promised my husband that I would arrange to have more help this time around now that we know what to expect. I think that helped turn him around also. Good luck with everything.

You've gotten lots of good and thoughtful advice. I just want to pipe in and suggest you begin thinking about adoption. It's possible to adopt an older child that way, so not only do you skip the baby/toddler phase, but you keep the age gap small between your son and #2. Just food for thought...

Yikes! I think that either one or both of you will feel resentment no matter which way you go.

You need to remember something...Men don't change (opinions maybe but for the most part they are stagnant). Women on the other hand change drastically when they become pregnant. We become someone else completely. We may have the same features but we aren't the same.

You were able to give all of your time and energy to your husband and he to you and his pursuits. Sometimes the addition of a child makes it pretty clear that he HAS to change and while it is a great thing, they don't always like it.

So, I think for the sake of your marriage and your son, have a forthright and honest discussion with him about WHY he doesn't want more. Tell him why you want one, what it will potentially mean for your son to have a sibling etc. I think no matter what you and he both have to get to the root of your feelings so that whatever decision is made you are both still a family when all is said and done.

If this festers in you, go see a therapist who can help both of you with what happens.

I think it is very hard when you guys are on different pages with having another child. I have a similar situation where I would love more kids but my husband said two is enough. I think it's commendable for your husband to be honest on how he feels and the difficulty of raising a child. That said, I think the memory of how difficult babies are is still new and fresh. I would give it time and let him alone for a while. It seens guys in general do not like taking care of babies but really start enjoying kids when they are 2 or older. After maybe after half a year I would revisit it and tell him that you really think your child would really benefit from having a sibling. Perhaps you can say you will do most of the "heavy lifting" during the baby years. If that does not work, I think it's time to come to term with having one happy health son and be content with the family you have. I know it will be a compromise either way, but hopefully you can work it out together.

I have given up having more kids because I would rather have two kids and a husband than three kids and no husband. Hope this helps and good luck!

Oh, I'm sorry, that's hard. Well I think being sad is very normal. I think the best thing you can do is let it go for awhile. I know he said he doesn't want more kids, but you know, let that baby boy start to get a bit older and have no traces of the baby left and he may soften up. I hope so for your sake!! I have a good friend that had four siblings and she married her high school sweetheart when they were both young and they only have one child. I never knew till recently that it was actually bc her husband didn't want more kids. I was pretty impressed bc I have known her a long time and I have been around her many times when people made comments about her only having one, and she never said anything about it being his choice. Don't know how she got through, but they have been married like 13 years or so and are still really happy. So just hang in there. Don't put pressure and see if he has a change of heart. I hope so:) I think you are right to not want to force the issue, you want him all in because raising kids is challenging!! Also, if it does end up that you have one, as he grows you will be able to focus on him and just enjoy him without having to divide your time. Sometimes I just wish I could clone myself and be able to pour more into my kids individually. Hang in there and however it works out I am glad you have a happy family:)

I feel for you, because I was in the same situation this past year. We have 2 beautiful children, a girl and boy. Since my husband considers our family complete now, he always comments he is done. When we were first together, the conversation was always centered around future --- and it was 3 to 4 children. I agree that having children is not easy, and that our lives are now centered around them. However, I look at the joy they bring us everyday and wonder how men can not want more. It is the woman that does the majority of the work and has to bear thru pregnancy, but it is the man taking a back seat to another person taking their wife's attention and the pressure of finances. I went out to dinner alone with my husband and explained how as a woman I didn't feel done with having children. I also told him to look at all the positives about having another one, and not just the financials and the work involved. Are you every truly ready for another child, especially with finances? Whatever I did, worked and he has agreed for a 3rd. Maybe it is peer pressure, how knows? I would like to wait another year so my youngest will be 4, but he is pressuring me that it is now or never. So, we will start trying and will see what happens.

Take a look at the August issue of Real Simple. I can't remember the author's name, but one of the articles is about a woman who went through a tough decision-making process with her husband, who wanted to focus on the child they have. She is honest, sad, hopeful, and realistic. It's a good read. Best wishes to you, your husband, and your son.

I feel for you... I have 2 kids and would like a third but although he hasn't said it aloud, I feel like my husband doesn't want any more. I agree to give him some time and see if he changes his mind when your little one is about 3 maybe, I think it gets much easier as far as not needing all your attention all the time. I'm sure you'd rather have another one now because of your ages but another year and a half isn't much. Ask your husband if it would be okay to ask him again in a set amount of time to see if anything changes. I agree that most men are not into babies (my hubby isn't) but can be great with them as the kids get older.

I would feel cheated too if he agreed to a large family when you got married then changed his mind after one. I know everyone is entitled to change their mind, and babies are a lot of work, but it would be such a blow. Keep your chin up.

Wow, how cheated you must feel. And how betrayed. He promised you one thing and has backed out of that. All of his good attributes don't make up for that. But...But that does not mean he may not change his mind in the future and that does not mean you won't be fulfilled as a M.. It just means you will be taking a different direction than you had planned. After all these years on this earth and 32 years as a RN (12 of those in Psych) the one thing I have learned is that today's storm frequently is the basis of tomorrows rainbow. I am not trying to be trite here. If you ask people what has happened after their greatest disappointments most folks will tell you that somehow they survived and many thrived. It is all in the way you view it. And I am not going to give you some hokey saying about surviving, I just know that truely accepting what is and moving on is the only way to be happy. Accept how you feel, discuss it with your husband and try to come to terms with what this means to you. The obvious solution may not be the best answer. Talk to your best friends that will keep your confidence, and work through this, because as you know, the only way out of grief (and this is the death of a dream) is through. God bless you and yours.

I can understand how your husband feels, because you married someone older than yourself. I can understand that after 40...you are thinking more of getting ready for retirement rather than start all over again with babies. I wanted a large family myself, like 4 children, and I married a man that didn't want any children. I told him before we were married that maybe we should not get married, because of this difference, but somehow we agreed on two children. He went half way and I went half way too.

After having the second child, you really see how much money and time that goes into raising a family. Sometimes, it can be exhausting, but rewarding too. After a while when I turned 40, I wanted a 3rd, but realistcally two is our limit. I try to just get rid of those feelings by counting my blessing and be happy with my two boys.

Maybe your husband is frightened on a large family? I would just try to agree on two. I told my husband that if we died, I wanted our oldest to have some type of family to be with him for the rest of his life, which is his brother. It changed my husband's mind with the second baby...but that was it. If you are happy with two try that tactic, but if your husband is strict on having only one...what's more important...your marriage or wanting more children?

I don't know of too many men that enjoy the infant/toddler stages. Both my husband and I hate those stages, too. But, he needs to look at the big picture. What does his ideal family look like in 10 years? The infant/toddler "not fun" stage only lasts 2 years, and then in another 2 years (when they are 4) they are even more autonomous and it's more play and less routine care. If he is 100% done, then you both need to talk it out a lot and come to terms that you are not agreeing and how to get past it (I would personally feel cheated too if I went into the marriage under one impression and then have it change).