Would You Be Dissapointed??

I would be disappointed that he changed games midstream. But I would feel lucky to now know what I was asking for and what to expect if I went ahead with a second O., knowing what a baby my husband was, and how, after 21 months of it, my husband still hasn't embraced fatherhood.
I'm sorry.
NO way would I add another to this mix.

Putting aside the issue of having another child or not, I would be seriously considering not continuing a relationship with a man who feels the need to compete for attention with his own child.

I think what your husband is saying is that HE is the one who can't handle another child. Listen to him. You're going to have to figure out if you're all right with having one child or if you HAVE TO HAVE more children. Is this going to be a deal breaker for you.

EDIT: By the way, I think your husband is being the OPPOSITE of selfish. He's being honest with you about how he feels. Pushing someone to have a child they don't want is what's selfish.

First realize that most husband/dads are immature - long after we moms mature. Being pregnant and caring for an infant makes us self-less - but for whatever reason it doesn't seem to hit men as quickly. They're not as connected to their babies and don't seem to realize how reliant they are on their parents. My husband was just a jerk for a long time. A long time. Our first child wasn't planned - and as much as he completely adored her and fell head-over-heels for her the minute she arrived, he was still incredibly selfish for a long time. One of my pastros - who has 6 kids - wondered to me when I sought his advice, why men are so selfish. His quote "I don't really understand why we men are just so selfish, it seems we're all born that way and women just seem to have his natural giving nature while we guys just don't - and we really have to bring it before God every day..."

When my kids (who are now 13 &16) were pre-schoolers my husband frequently mentioned leaving the marriage since his needs just weren't being met. I would say to him (after working full time, and sitting in the middle of and folding many baskets of laundry while entertaining 2 small children) "this is a season in our lives - it's not forever - it's going to pass - we will have time for each other in the future - the kids won't be this age forever...."

It's almost as if we need to see our husbands as another child to take care of. My aunt, who has 5 kids, told me she thought of herself as a mother to 6 kids - her husband, my dearly loved uncle, as the 6th. It doesn't seem fair, and I really struggled with it - but if we think of them as a child they seem to respond to our nurturing. I finally got to the point where I'd ask my husband if he wanted a glass of milk when I got my kids one. I offer to make hime a sandwich when I made lunch for the kids, etc. The do seem to lose something when they see their child getting attention from us that they used to get all to themselves. Our perception: we're busy, he's an adult and can get himself food if he's hungry - but baby needs me to get him food - husband can get his own. His perception: she loves baby more than me cuz she's getting the baby food and she's going to let me starve...

The years when the kids need their mom for EVERYTHING is really trying on most marriages. But is is just a season. I see my nieces going through it with their husbands and kids, I see lots of younger families dealing with it. BUT - I have to say my husband has really grown up - and if he has I can guarantee that yours will too.

Perhaps your husband thinks parenting is this perfect process - and doesn't realize how messy it is and how kids don't grow up according to a training manual like an eager college grad at his first job. And I also found your wording interesting "if I can't handle one child effectively..." is that yoru husband's quote (talking about himself) or was he talking about you? Cuz parenting requires 2 parents if both are present.

You don't say how old you are - you just say the "risks will go up" in a few years. I had my first child at 37 and my second at age 40. There are some advantages to having children at an older age - you defininatly have more patience for them, and you have a lot more of life's wisdom. Don't assume that once you hit 35 you won't be able to have any more babies. And there are also some advantages of spacing your kids out further than 3 - 4 years. it is a lot easier to deal with a child in elementary school and a new baby - than a 4 yr old and a baby.

Dr. Laura says that men are simple - if they're not hungry they're horney. So they need either sex or a sandwich. I find that to be very true. So - don't worry as much about keeping the house perfect. Enjoy your baby and your husband. Baby him for a while and see if he doesn't come around. It will take less time to baby him becuase he'll respond and do more to take things off your shoulders. I bet he will come around. It goes against everything in me to do so - but it does work. We have more power in our marriage than we realize - we jsut don't know how to use it.

Just a few observations following many years of facilitating therapy and counseling...

A child NEVER fixes a broken marriage. If you are focusing your energies right now on repairing your marriage, then drop the idea of another child for the time being.

He is telling you very clearly that your relationship changed after your son was born and he's not okay with it. By agreeing to the counseling, he's also telling you that your marriage is important to him and he wants to fix that first.

If you are suspecting that your husband needs to compete with his own child for your attention... guess what? He probably does have to. So often women forget that we are wives first and mothers second (in most cases). When a child is born, we tend to focus entirely on our responsibility as "parent" and neglect our responsibility as "partner and spouse". My guess is that this has happened and your husband is feeling neglected emotionally and probably physically (not the same things as sexually).

How would I feel? I would feel disappointed, of course. There is no way to predict how a person will change as a result of becoming a parent. The dream and the reality are often two very different pictures and that is OK. What you elect to do in that situation is where the difference is evident. You can choose to push him into your picture of "happy" or you can redefine "happy" as a couple.

My wife and I had a similar problem. I wanted two kids. She wanted 12. We argued and argued and I finally said, "Ok. I'll do my part". ;~)) Later on she watched too much TV and decided, "Eight is enough".

You need to find out from him what attention he is missing or not getting enough of. If you used to make love every night and now you make love "at least" once each month, then he has a valid complaint. If it has to do with something else, you need to find that out. Then deal with it.

If it is the intimacy issue, read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You will learn a lot about men. Then give him the book so he can read it and he will learn a lot about women.

I learned from having 8 kids that the closer they are the better. Our first three were born 14 and 16 months apart. They were so much better for playing together, working together and doing things together. I could give you a list of the advantages we saw. PM me if you are interested.

ETA: BTW, you and your husband are the major factor as to whether your kids grow up to be friends or enemies. My mom and dad were both only children. They raised my brother and I to be enemies. I raised my kids to be friends. We just had our 24th grand child and our kids still are friends and love having the "cousins", our grandkids, play together. I pity the parents with only one or two kids. They will never know the joy and fun that comes with a large family.

Good luck to you and yours.

I don't think anyone can ever realize how much work a child really is until they live that reality. I think your husband now realizes and isn't ready to consider #2. You said yourself that you have 2-3 more years so why push the issue right now. As your son gets a little older things will get easier and he might be more open to the possibility.

Keep the lines of communication open. Have you both discussed your feelings about #2 with your counselor? Have they been able to mediate the conversation? Is your husband completely opposed to ever having a second or just can't imagine it right now?

Don't give up hope. Take one day at a time.

Have you explained to him they play with each other and leave you alone more?

I would not call your husband selfish and I don't assume from your post that you are not able to "handle" your 21 month old. Kudos to you for making your date nights, and extra attention to hubby a priority... I truly feel like that is key in a solid relationship along with tons of communication.

There are a lot of factors that come into play when planning a family. A lot of men feel the pressure to maintain a good job in order to provide for the family so mom can stay home with the children, plan for retirement and plan for college expenses. Maybe he is worried about something other than adding another child or 2 to the dynamic.

When we married, we did not plan children for quite some time. Along the way, we decided to have a child. Note.... A as in 1. We both were on board and our family of 3 by choice is complete with no regrets.

You discussed 2-3 children before you married and you expected him to follow through with the same feelings you have. Even if you opt to have your family complete with 1 child.... you are NOT depriving your son. You cannot guarantee that siblings will be close (some hate each other).

If you do opt to go for more, it sounds like you will be having the majority of the responsibility on your shoulders. You'll need to be ready for a possible pregnancy that is not fun, bed rest, etc.

I understand you feeling disappointed in your husband for backing out, right now, for more children. More than anything, you two need to be communicating what you really want, how to come to terms with your decisions so that neither of you have resentments building up that will hurt your marriage in the end.

Best wishes to you.

Honestly, if ever there were a case for marriage counseling it would be yours.

The others have given you great advice, which I agree with so I am going to stick to the basic question you asked and that's "how would you feel in this situation?????"

I would feel cheated. I would be hurt and I would be angry. I also would rethink the relationship. Yes, I would. Here's why, and this is just me I know many won't agree and that's ok. When discussing with my husband how many kids we wanted, we made a deal in my eye's.

Now my husband knew going in that I wanted 6 kids, we haggled and settled on 4. Had he said no more after just one child, because he was feeling neglected it would show to me how much lack of consideration and respect he has for me. How much his thought process only focuses on himself and his needs.

Being in a marriage is about both parties and no one persons feeling should be the sole reason for something being done and something not being done. Especially after already talking about children, I know life thows us curve balls, that's different. That isn't what life did here, it's what your husband has know decided based on his needs. Not on the best interest of you guys as a family.

Now we have 8 lol. I was content at 5, but there was such a huge age gap between 4 and 5 that we decided to give the 5th a sibling closer in age. How we got to 8 is anyones guess but I know my husband is willing for 9, but I am not and I feel fine saying no because we already surpassed our agreement of 4. I upheld my end, and even though he knows one more means less for him (which he can complain about at time) he would still do it.

I would give it some time for the counceling to hopefully work and both of you can come to an agreement. Good luck.

Before my husband and I got married, we agreed that we were okay with not having any kids...and if we did have kids, we would probably only have one. Shortly after our daughter turned one, my husband really wanted to try for a boy. I was completely against it. I was NOT ready to have another child...raising the one was hard enough. I didn't see how we could have another AND keep my sanity. :) I completely get what your husband is saying.

Things are hard for your marriage right now, which is why you're in counseling (I'm assuming). I really don't see how adding the stress of a pregnancy/newborn will help things. I'm not sure that it's just pure selfishness that is influencing your husband's decision. Maybe he really DOES want to work on the marriage first? You already know he feels neglected (whether or not he is justified in feeling that way). I think it makes sense for your marriage to be "stable" before trying for a 2nd child.

You mention that you do most of the work taking care of your son. Why is he not more involved? Maybe he would feel like he is "competing" less if he was helping with the caretaking. And, since he would be helping, you would probably have more time to pay attention to your husband. Win-win, right?

Lastly, you'll be glad to know, we just celebrated my 2nd child's first birthday. Eventually, I decided that I *did* want a sibling for my daughter and that my husband and I would BOTH work hard at providing for both of our kids. What "convinced" me was that my husband really stepped up in making sure *my* concerns/needs were met. It wasn't JUST about me...it was about US as a FAMILY. Good luck!

I would feel disappointed, too. And angry.

It sounds like hubby needs to do some maturing, pronto. I hate to say it, but I sounded a lot like your husband when we had only our son. ("How am I going to manage with ANOTHER one, when this one is exhausting?", etc) The reality is that in a lot of ways, it is actually EASIER to have another. Ours are 3 years apart (less than 3 weeks separate their birthdays). This has been a super age difference/spacing for ours.

Having a 2nd one does a few things to the family dynamics, too. You no longer are the sole entertainment for your kids. So you actually stop being a playmate and become a "parent". (that goes for hubby, too). AND, you stop competing with the child for time with your spouse... you and spouse work TOGETHER more. Either dividing and conquering, or teaming up to put on a united front. So it can bond you together as parents in a way that sometimes might not happen with a singleton child.

I certainly would not advocate having a 2nd child to "fix" what is not working in your marriage. But I do think the timing (sibling wise) is good to have a 2nd if you are going to. I do not envy your situation. I do hope that the counseling can help your husband through some of these issues and he can adjust to his new role, which it doesn't sound like he has quite stepped into fully yet.
Blessings to all of you.

As the mother of 8 grown kids I would say that two children are not much more work than one child really, and 3 isn't much more than 4 and so on. It's all in how you look at it. It's work raising a child/children yes. But it's fun and your husband might be surprised when he saw another little one playing with your child you have now and the joy it brings and how they love each other, etc. My husband felt a bit like yours does after our first one was born and he was not used to babies at all and yet we had no time to go over this as I was pregnant by surprise to us, and the next one was 12 months a 5 days from the first little preemie. So we had 2 without discussion. He was fine with it after he got over the shock.
We later went on to have the other 6 children and he was not ever like he was in the beginning about feeling jealous or not getting enough attention. I think it takes time for the men to adjust to the idea if they aren't really baby people and usually they will find it is not what they thought it would be with more than one. I would hope he will at least be willing to have one more and then get a sitter and go out and have time for just each other. I know you say you do that but it may be different after 2 children. I wouldn't pressure him though as that will make him resentful but he did agree to 2-3 before marriage, right?

It doesn't sound like your marriage is ready for a second child to compound situations. Maybe later. If hubby is having issues and not doing his part, you will become the "single mom" of two very young children, which will be overwhelming to deal with along with this issue with your him. He really won't get any attention then. I just see things getting worse, not better.The counseling will help hopefully. Be prepared just in case he decides that he is good with the one child. Good luck.

OMG I'd be MAD! especially since it's HIM having the problem with one!

Anyway I hope you get lots of good advice, but I will tell you this if you can use this angle. I have 3 ages 6, 4 and 3. It has been SO much easier with three and two than with one. Maybe not while they're young babies and toddlers but as they get above age three. Now I'm annoyed when my oldest goes to friend's houses because my other two need me so much more without her there to play!

I'm never in favor of "marriage first" in these scenarios when one person is acting like a dick, because what if you do the right thing for HIM, miss your fertile window, then get divorced ANYWAY and you only have one child? You have the rest of your life to enjoy your children no matter what their dad is doing. In my case, I knew how many kids I wanted NO MATTER WHAT so if I had to choose to be with him on the condition of JUST ONE CHILD I'd probably choose to leave him unless he was just so incredibly amazing.

I don't mean to sound like I am trivializing things but, you know, sometimes plans change. People have no way of knowing what kind of parents they will be or how they will feel about multiple children until they have that first baby. Your husband has figured out that he does not want to be the parent of multiple children. And that is ok.

I'm sure I would be disappointed, angry, sad if I had my heart was set on two children and my husband had his heart set one one. However, I would also try to be adaptable.

This isn't ever going to be an easy situation because one of you is going to have to give in to the other and that can cause a lot of resentment.

Having a child, in my opinion, is neither selfish nor selfless. Likewise, not having one.

When one is selfish, they are primarily concerned with their own interests. So, I'm sure your husband could make the argument that you too are being selfish in wanting a second child (putting your interest in front of his because having a child just to have a sibling for your first child is a non sequitur). I'm not saying I agree with it but that is likely his view of things.

Keep going to counseling and revisit the issue in a year's time. Best of luck.

I hope you do not think I am rude in saying this.........if your husband acts like this while having one child why plan to have more than one? Unless his attitude changes I would not want to have another child with him.

This is easier said than done - I had a second child in an unhappy situation - I wanted my child to have a sibling and I always thought I wanted 2 or 3 kids.........I am happy with both of my kids but not happy in the lack of parenting/support/etc etc etc of my husband.

I would feel disappointed too . . .

In my mid to late 30's I really wanted more kids (I have one from each marriage - still married to 2nd husband). My husband did not, and it bothered me for a long time. Finally I realized "hey, if you wanted a big family you should have married a guy [both times for me] who was just nuts about kids."

IMHO there's a big risk with guys who wait a LONG time to become fathers. They get very set in their ways and have a much harder time adapting. My husband is an excellent father so I got lucky. But because he is older than me I can understand his concerns about having more(though it still upset me). Then I found out I was basically infertile anyway. :(

It's sad because the older I get I feel like the better mom I am. I had my kids very young (relative to my friends) and was pretty immature. My kids grew up with me LOL. I'm looking forward to grand-kids! :P

Hang in there and just try to make the best of things and enjoy every day of your life with your family!

Honestly, I find having 2 kids is a lot easier than having 1 in regards to the amount of time the child takes of MY time. They play with each other a lot more and I have to play with the one child less.

The part that does take more time is the outside of school activities. My daughter just got old enough to start being involved in activities and so now we are out more evenings of the week. That part is tiring.

Oh, and I have no idea what your schedule is like, but I highly recommend a relatively early bedtime (every night) for your son. It makes your evenings much nicer for you and for your husband. I'm not saying that it makes every night a date night, but it does make it time for you to get adult chores done and maybe watch a little adult tv.

Good luck,
L.