Confession. Yes or No?

By NOT telling her, he is being a bad husband by taking her power away. She has a right to know if she might need to get tested for diseases, takes her right to choose away from her as to whether or not she would want to stay with him. It's also lying by omition (sp?) to not tell her and to me a lie is a lie. So yes, I would want to know.

No. He could have prevented her in pain and kept his big mouth shut. He could have dealt with it inside himself. My guess on that particular story - I think it's possible there were a number of acquaintances on the trip, and he feared she would hear it from another person that was there, so he needed to confess.

I have no idea why I got so heated with that posters question. I guess some things just affect people differently. I would hope that my husband would spare my feelings.

I would DEFINATELY want him to tell me... it would be a mazillion times worse if I found out through the grapevine.

Despite my moral and religious convictions, I'm also a pragmatist. I don't like when people confess to something just to aleviate thier own guilt and unburden themselves. Now He'll sleep better at night knowing he "did the right thing" but she will have many sleepless nights, tears, insecurities, trust issues, and heartache. It's so easy to say you want to know, but deep down, women don't or they wouldn't turn a blind eye.

Yes because if he barely remembers then odds are PROTECTION wasn't used. That means not only has he exposed himself to anything and everything under the sun with STDS he now has exposed his wife and their future children. Also this strange woman now has the risk of pregnancy which means if she remembers who the guy is can contact him and sue him for child support. Which means now that O. night stand is 18 plus years of monthly reminders.
So yes confessing to the wife is a must.

"What's the benefit of confessing?"

Exactly.

I think too frequently in this situation people mistake the desire for justice with the desire for honesty. That is, they say they are in favor of telling the partner because it would be good for the partner, when what they really want is for the cheater not to get away with it. And I think punishing the partner just to punish the cheater is unnecessarily brutal. His punishment, if he needs O., is knowing he must lie his wife by omission, even when she brags to all her friends that her husband "would never do that," for the rest of her life.

Of course we live in the age of cooties and Facebook, which complicates matters somewhat. In a perfect world, he used a condom, didn't exchange personal data, and already knows the stranger was disease free. In a less perfect world, he used a condom and an alias, and has already been discreetly tested. In a very imperfect world, he did not use a condom, knows nothing about the stranger's status, and the stranger knows his real name and where he lives. In that case, we must assume the worst for the sake of the innocent spouse (and in that unfortunate case, the fact that he cheated is almost the least of the bad news).

There is no absolute requirement to reveal an affair; the decision, like all decisions, should be made reviewing whether anyone will be materially helped or harmed by the revelation. If no O.'s life will be improved by revealing and no O. will be materially harmed by not revealing, what useful purpose is served by revealing? There MAY be a tangential need to reveal, such as the possibility of disease, or that the partner will find out anyway from another source.

And for those that say they would want to know or wish they had known earlier... I'm not convinced. I was on the receiving end of the "I made a huge mistake..." conversation, and frankly, it sucked. And this particular example isn't about a serial cheater or a longterm affair (and in those cases the "right" thing for him to do is leave the marriage, whether he tells about the affairs or not), it's about a single occurrence. If your spouse cheated once and you didn't find out about it until years later; if he was always a loving partner, a full contributor and an involved parent, what difference did that O. mistake make TO YOU?

My .02; YMMV.

I agree that he should confess because of the possibility of STD's. If he was so drunk that he barely remembers anything....I doubt he would have the presence of mind to make sure he was protected!

Many years ago when I was fresh out of high school, my best friend was living with her sister and brother-in-law while attending college.....turns out the BIL cheated on her sister (multiple times) and contracted HIV....which was passed on to her sister. That has ALWAYS stuck with me when I hear stories of people cheating.

Now, for arguments sake, if you completely took the health issues out of the equation, my first instinct is to say that I wouldn't want to know. But, after thinking about it (very thought provoking question BTW), I think that I would want to know. Secrets are never good in a marriage and if I EVER found out another way, no matter how improbable that may be, I'm not sure I could forgive the lack of honesty.

If he came to me and confessed and had the history you state of otherwise being a great husband and father, I think I could forgive him provided I saw a real level of regret and he agreed to some marriage counseling. Now, if it happened again after that.....SEE YA!

because marriage is about honesty and sharing the good and the bad....

If he gives his wife an STD - at least she knows where he got it from - better to know than to be blind-sided. It would be COMPASSIONATE to her if he got tested to ensure he didn't bring anything home.

Yes. I would want to know. I would want to deal with it.

The benefit to confessing is the man has a CONSCIENCE...it would or was obviously tearing him up so instead of waiting he confesses...that makes him a better man instead of hiding it...lies ALWAYS come out in the end...better to tell the truth and get it out to deal with it than lie...

He has an obligation to protect his wife from his stupidity.

That means he HAS to get tested for potential STD's and he can't have sex with her until he does. Is there a way to do that and NOT explain to her why?

Also, in the particular case his boys know and what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas, so I guarantee you at least O. of their wives or girlfriends know. Now she's a laughing stock.

So, what would make her madder, to find out first or last?

Telling is better. She might be able to forgive the betrayal, but she probably wouldn't be able to forgive the lie. At least I wouldn't.

As the wife, I would want to know so that I could get tested for an STD and make the decision MYSELF as to whether or not to stay in the marriage. No O. ever cheats "just because" they got drunk. If the husband got drunk enough to lose inhibitions to cheat, he had to know there was a chance it would happen and he allowed it to happen anyway by continuing to drink. That's a problem. He made that choice for a reason, he chose the option to cheat. Never, ever blame the alcohol.

I might give another chance, depending on what happens in marriage counseling, but I might not. It's not up to him to make that decision for the both of us by keeping such an explosive secret. Especially O. that could affect my life anyway by bringing home a disease.

Cheating is cheating - no matter what the scenario. Whos to say that if he kept this filthy little lie to himself that he wouldnt eventually make piece with it and then realize that hey I can cheat and not get caught? Even if it was a O. time thing, for the person that you call your other half, your best friend, partner for life to do this type of thing is never okay

Yes I would want to know and No I would NOT stay after finding out, regardless of the situation

In my opinion, if someone doesn't confess that they cheated on their spouse, they are more likely to do it again because they realize that there won't be repercussions.

I would want to know. In some cases STDs don't show up right away. I would want the option to not have sex with someone who could give me a disease. In this case, I think it's GOOD that he told his wife because mabey in the future he will refrain from getting drunk and acting like a dumbass.

I'm wondering just how great the marriage is since he did that. If there's something bugging him, he needs to say what is wrong so they both can work on it.

A responsible caring and loving father and husband would never cheat on his wife and his family. When men are well taken care of at home, they are too tired and too exusted to look somewhere else.

If the family isn't his priority, then he cheats. Any loving and caring husband and father would know by doing so he is destroying his family and O. day, there will be some other man tucking his children in at night and taking care of them. So my answer is yes I would like to know and
yes I would leave a man who gives up on his family in a heart beat.

in that exact situation, no I would NOT want to know. all it would do to me was cause lots of insecurities and I would not be able to ever let it go. I would always be comparing myself to other women after that, would wonder, "is that her?" or would accuse him of doing it again and again any time he was away from home. everyone, EVERYONE, makes mistakes and screws up. some worse and more often than others. but O. indescretion like that O. I would not want to know about. now, of course, if it were an all the time thing I would want to know so I could get away from him.

and remember ladies, it is in regards to the exact situation she is describing, lets not get all bent out of shape with the what if's!

Hi denise-

I divorced my ex because he became an abusive drunk.

I found out about his 'indiscretions' after the divorce...from some 'friends'.

I wish I had found out earlier. It would have saved me and my kids 'extra' years of misery...

just my thought!
michele/cat

I wouldnt want to know in that situation.

Im sorry, a woman who was cheated on by her husband is a laughing stock???

You need to check yourself if you think thats funny.

100% agree with Tracy K!

Good question....

Let's put it this way- you can't un-ring that bell. Once he puts it out there, it's a perpetual factor in their marriage. I know 8kidsdad is going to say that the wife should forgive and forget, but that's much easier said than done.

I have a friend who has gone through this. Her husband had a O.-time alcohol/depression-induced affair in another state while on a work trip. They tried counseling and tried to make things better. They are still married, but the trust and unconditional acceptance of what he says to her is gone. She has told me many times that she loves her husband and the life they share, but their relationship is forever different. She honestly wishes he never told her. The "confession" only relieved his guilt (temporarily) and it rocked their family to its core. Their children were in MS and HS at the time and they still are not accepting of the whole situation. With time, the pain and anger has lessened and they enjoy eachother's company, but the unconditional trust and freedom that comes with that trust is gone.

So, if my husband was to do as you described I would hope that he would think long and hard about what happened to get him there and whether or not the need to release his guilt outweighed my security. That would be his decision entirely.

Here's the other factor though, in the case of the other poster he was in Vegas with a group of buddies. Unless NO O. else knew... the wife was going to find out eventually. If I found out from someone else after the fact, I would be beyond devastated.

Yes, I would want to know.

My husband and I talked before marriage and we both agreed we had zero tolerance when it came to cheating. I obviously can't say what would happen, but right now I do believe I would leave my husband. And I would also want to know!

I don't believe in "I drank to much and made a mistake" I don't think a person should drink at all if they get to that point. We are adults so we shall act like adults. We have responsibilities and we made commitments.

I would want to know so I could stop having relations with him until he got an all-clear on anything he could have caught in this encounter. I'd prefer not to live the rest of my life with herpes or HIV.

A successful marriage relies on the ability to communicate with your spouse openly, especially about your weaknesses and faults. Even the things you don't tell leave a mark along the way; and even small faults can leave deep wounds when they are concealed from a spouse, especially when they eventually come to light. Which they inevitably do.

Furthermore, a husband aware of his own indiscretion will become a different person regardless of whether he tells his wife or not. He is going to have to deal with his mistake forever. If he cares about what's right and wrong, if he really cares about his family and what they would think of him, it's going to eat at him and eat at him and eat at him. That impacts his family too; they just have no way of knowing why he's changed. But by telling his wife, at least he is inviting her to really know who he is, faults and all.

And O. final note, people who admit their wrongs to someone else are less likely to repeat those mistakes. Who is more likely to have repeat affairs: the man who messes up once and immediately talks to his wife or the man who covers it up and "deals with it" on his own?

yes, confess so she can get tested for STDs and so can keep an eye out for any warning signs of becoming a serial cheater

Kindness and compassion only extend to my husband when he's not getting sloppy drunk and sticking his junk in other woman.

A man that truly feels bad, NEEDS to confess. Marriage is nothing without trust and safety. I would want to know, that he betrayed both of those things. Confessing, is not about a benefit. It's about having enough respect to be honest. He is sparing me nothing, by keeping it from me. Except, himself. There are all kinds of things in this world I don't WANT to know, that I NEED to know.

Yes I would most definitely want to know. Cheating is cheating. He has put his wife at risk of a life ending disease or STD. He crossed a line that can never be undone. He should have thought about rocking his wife's world when he crawled into bed with another woman. Sorry, what happened in Vegas generally DOESN'T stay in Vegas.

It is a double edged sword. No I wouldn't want to know but it also would be wrong of him to not tell me. Trust, committment, and honesty is everything. What if she showed up pregnant and I didn't even know about the affair? What if he passed something on to me? I should have the right to protect myself and decide to stay or go.

I wouldnt really want to know if the tables were turned and it was me that cheated I wouldnt tell- in cases like this usually the "confession" is just an unloading to take the guilt off you and lay it on the other person. It happened once it never went anywhere- why put the notion in the back of your wifes head that now everytime you go out you cant be trusted. Once you confess you break the trust. Although my husband is honest sometimes to the point of brutal I am sure he would tell me and the trust would break and then it is harder to get back what you have lost.

I am torn with this O. because of how you presented it. I guess if there is no risk of STD then I am uncertain.....The couples group I am in says we should be completely authentic and honest with no skeleton left in the closet.....but on the flip side the pain and anguish the indiscretion and bringing it to light could cause..oh my. I really hope and pray never to be in this situation. I think personally I would want to know. Aside from STD what if the woman got pregnant? then what? I trust my husband and vice versa and I don't want to jeopardize that.

This sounds like the "moral" dilemma all of our children wrestle with, right? Gee, if Mom or Dad just doesn’t know and I never do it again, it'll all be okay. Yeah, sure. Never works for little Johnny at 6 so it's probably not a good idea when the stakes are higher and little Johnny's 36 and married with kids.

Yes, I would want to know because hiding a secret like that would cause problems anyway. The guilt would eat at my husband and I would know something was up. Better to get it out and deal with it. If I found out from someone else, it would be much harder to save the marriage because I would feel like he didn't think it was a big enough deal to tell me. I would also feel like he thought he got away with his little O. night stand and I would NEVER believe it was the O. and only time.

HMM. The only reason I would want to know is STDs. Do I need to be tested? Will my husband get tested? How did this infedelity impact our overall physical health - let alone mental health. I
IF he took the concious efforts to get tested and keep me safe in that regard, I would be perfectly content if he took that O. for our team to maintain what we had, because based on my family's relationship history - I told him that was a dealbreaker - no matter the circumstances. . .

I think confessing in this case is a form of "unloading" the feelings of guilt the guy would have. It is a heavy burden to carry if he really does love his wife and feels he made the biggest mistake of his life. I would not want to know as there is way too much at stake. I take my family way to seriously to leave him over a situation like that. If he told, I'd be sick over it and I don't know if I could emotionally "forgive". Even though I wouldn't end it immediately I'm not sure in the long run it wouldn't come to that.
I think the right thing to do in this case is for the offender to bear the burden for the rest of his life, kinda a life sentence, right?
Of course he'd have to get checked for diseases (ewww) and he'd have to be sure I would never find out but other than that I cannot see throwing everything we have out the door becuase of O. huge,disgusting mistake.
Thank God this is hypthetical and my guy is so awesome and devoted. Actually, now that I think about it, keeping it secret never work in our relationship, I ALWAYS know if he's not telling me something!

I would want to know. My husband better have his bags packed and ready to go though because I will NOT be staying around for that. I don't care how remorseful he is or how repentant. Bleh. He is NOT a great husband because he CHEATED! Drunk or not, and may I just say...that's not an excuse. So, he can keep it a secret and REALLY hurt me because then everything from that point on would have been a lie, or he can tell me right away and pack his butt off to his own apartment. Either way, he cheated, his fault.
There is no benefit to confessing. But, again, HE should have thought about that before he decided to have SEX with another woman.
L.
EDIT- i asked my husband what he would think if the situation was reversed. He said he would want to know so that we can be separated but still parent together. He wouldn't want to be married anymore either. Good thing we are not cheaters! PLUS, I have been in this situation as well. Thank god he told me. I never would have left and found a GOOD man.

I'm sorry but I believe part of redeeming himself would consist of confessing. If he is all those things you mentioned and the wife is a strong good hearted person who sees all those things in him, she should be able to forgive him over time and try to make it work. It would be much harder on her to find out in another way. So I say, confession is needed.

I would definitely want to know! You never know when something like this might come out, especially if his friends knew what happened, and I would be way more hurt finding out later than if he was honest about it up front. I can (kind of) see your point, but I still think that IF she were to find out later, that would be a deal breaker since he hid it. Coming forward from the start would make me want to work on the marriage.....hiding it would just make me more angry and hurt. I fully believe he did the right thing and I hope they can save their marriage and family.

I think it would be better to tell me.

With my first marriage yes I knew he cheated with my best friend.. because I walked in on them. But... before that I had my suspicions that he has/ was cheating on me. He never told me, nobody did. my gut just said it. He turned into a very jealous man, very controlling. I think that's why I always wondered if he did or not. After our divorce I had 3 people come up to me and tell me... well since its over I have to get this off of my chest and told me of many different women he slept with while working on the road. I felt like a fool so many other people knew and nobody told me.

So maybe ( or maybe not) if he would have been open with the first O. we might have been able to work it out. I probablly would have forgave him with the first time. The other no way in hell! But had he been honest Im sure he wouldn't have turned into the man he did. I believe keeping it a secret ate at him so much and with so much guilt that's why he started treating me that way. Im not making excuses for him for what he did or the way he treated me. I just think that's what changed him for the worse.

So yes I think its best to be open and honest about it.

This is exactly why I have never dated or married someone who drinks. It tends to be used as an "excuse" and it wouldn't fly with me. Yes, I would want to know so I could start the divorce papers.

You confess because secrets destroy people and relationships. If you have any conscience at all, you take responsibility by getting up the guts to come clean and face the consequences, whatever they may be.

Let's also keep in mind that a marriage that is mutually fulfilling and respectful is not likely to lead to behavior choices like this.

Who knows...maybe there is a "kindness" to not telling and maybe some wives wouldn't want to know, but typically, relationships do not survive secrets like this anyway, so what's the difference?

I wouldn't WANT to know, but should I know? Yes!
If this was a great "family" man, how could this not eat him up inside?
First of all, how do you get yourself into this situation? At some point there was obviously some innapropriate flirting or something going on, that lead him to be in bed with this woman in the first place. There's no way that he was so drunk, he has no memory of what lead up to that. You aren't drunk O. second and having sex the next.
"It happened, he regrets it, can't change".....seriously?
His wife needs to know that he obviously isn't a big enough boy to keep his pants on, drunk or not. B.S.
And yes there's the probability of STD's, AIDS, and yes an illegitimate child. Disquisting!
I'm wondering though, why are YOU asking this question? For a friend?

Well given that his wife will be exposed to any STD's he might have contracted before he will know whether or not he contracted any, I'd say he has to tell.

I agree with you. The only thing that comes from him confessing is that he relieves some of his guilt and gets the burden off of his shoulders and causes her so.much strife. I think he has to suck it up and live with the guilt. If it was an on going thing or this happened more than once then I would want to know about it. I would also hope that he would have the decency to go get checked out for STD's before climbing back in my bed.

I didn't answer this question when I first saw it posted b/c I honestly don't know what I'd want to do in the situation. It's so heartbreaking when you find out that the man you love cheated on you... unfortunately I know first hand.

I do have to say that the Mamas have a GREAT point about what if he contracted an STD. My friend lost her virginity to her husband and was never with anyone else... then she found out she had chlamydia. And the mamas are right, that is a HORRIBLE way to discover the man you love and gave children cheated. She was heart broken.

I still don't know what I would want, but I do have to say that this does shatter the trust and they always say the first time is the hardest, so if he did it once I would assume he would do it again. Tough call... I look forward to hearing what other mamas have to say and I pray I'm never in a cheater situation ever again! :-)

Besides contracting a disease and possibly passing it on to his wife?....well the idea of not living a lie and being fully honest with his partner comes to mind.

I base my decisions on full disclosure, but i am a forgiving woman.

I would absolutely want to know! No matter how painful. There is no excuse. Something else is going on for a man to sleep with another woman no matter how drunk he was. Many men and women get stinking drunk and still do not cheat on their spouse. That is no excuse, no oops. Something else is going on.

Also, what if down the road it's found that my husband got a disease from this woman. I would rather know when it happened rather than after he contracted something and then passed it on to me. Why should I pay the price for his sin?

Also, who wants to get a knock on the door from a woman looking for child support from a baby she just had... by my husband! That would be an even worse way to find out. Then my children are paying the price forced to accept a sibling who is innocent in the situation as they are.

Nope. A character of a person tells what they would do in this situation. Hiding behind the cloak of "I'm protecting her/him by not hurting them." is just exactly that, a cloak, to hide their lack of courage. Only the gutless hides the truth. It would be humiliating to find out later that he cheated, and the truth always comes out cuz he'll get drunk again, right? If he can get drunk once and cheat why wouldn't it happen again, cuz it's the liquor that made him cheat... right? Not his lack of character. Then he'll get drunk again and spill the beans to friends and sooner or later it'll come out. Have it come out in the beginning. It's only worse when the wife finds out later.

** I have to add NO, even if it were guaranteed that there'd be no STDs or pregnancy it would still be wrong to hide it!!! It will come out sooner or later and how would YOU want to know? From the beginning and possibly work on things? Or from a drinking buddy or friend's wife down the road. It would be humiliating to find out that he lied and led me on for years and pretended to be O. thing and ended up being another. Nope, gotta know now!!!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I would want to know. Reason being is dirty laundry always comes out and I would be much more hurt to find out months or years down the road then to know he came to me to confess. Marriage would most likely be over, but at least I would be spared from looking like the fool. I also think that once he would cheat, no matter the excuse, it would be something that he may do again because he "got away with it" the first time.

I would confess if the shoe were on the other foot, but then I'm pretty open and honest with him about everything even if I know it will cause an argument.

Just my thoughts on it.

i'd want to know b/c then you have the choice. I was so mad when i found out my ex cheated and never gave M. the choice to decide if i wanted a marriage that included someone cheating. Also eventually she'll prob find out and then she'll also have to deal with the fact he lied for years, and the guilt will change their relationship as well. Lies always create more lies I've learned, and b/c he will feel unworthy he may do it again thinking he already messed up their marriage

I think it's best that he keep it a secret. Honesty is not everything it's always made out to be. No benefits to confessing, unless his wife were the rare female that might be turned on by that.

As long as no STD or pregnant, he should suffer in silence, spending the rest of his life being the best husband/father.

My first husband cheated on me, but he was not a loving husband, it was not a loving marriage, and I promptly threw him out when I caught him, thankful that we had no children.

Yes. I don't like the idea of giving him an out because he was drunk. I love wine, so its not that I am anti-alcohol. In my college days, there were many a night where I had way too much to drink/ pass out drunk and yes, I did some stupid things sometimes....I never cheated on my boyfriend though. I don't think anyone would do anything while drunk unless he/she actually at least thought about doing it sober. Yes, inhibitions are removed with alcohol but the original thought was there sober in my opinion. I think he cheated once (drunk or not) he crossed line that will make it even easier for him to cheat again, possibly sober next time. I always thought I would never tolerate such behavior..so I would want to know so I could leave him. I suspect like all things though, if I was in this sad situation, I may change my tune and try to accept it once for the sake of my child.

I wouldn't want to know.

no i would not want to know because if i did i would want a divorce.

I have been cheated on in my marriage. both where longer term affairs, and I was glad to know because otherwise we could not have addressed what was wrong in our marriage and with my husband, and I would have gone forward in the dark looking like a fool. but, I know how bad it hurt to hear what he had done, how it drove me into rage and depression, and made my heart hurt so badly. If it was a O. time drunken mistake with a woman he will never see again, and he is the only O. who knows about it, than he should keep his mouth shut. No point in causing everyone so much pain. But, he also needs to get tested for STDs right away, and if he comes up positive for anything that changes everything and she has to know.

I would want to know right away so I could stop having unprotected sex (any sex at all!) for the full six months it takes to get an accurate AIDS reading. I can forgive him his mistakes but hell if I'm going to let his weenier give me a death sentence.

This exact topic was being discussed on the radio locally. Recommendations from therapists said "no" unless you can accept that the likelihood of divorce is imminent and all that entails. The therapist recommended learning to live with it and the guilt and to never do it again. Revealing the truth would cause the spouse and children a great deal of pain.