How to Get Through Cheating??

J.,
I have been through this 4 times with my husband of 7 years. If you would like to talk privately, my e-mail address is ____@____.com

the same thing has happened to me. My husband tried to cheat on me in our 4th year of marriage. It's tough to see, but it was important that he didnt completely follow through with it. It doesnt make the situation less painful, but it shows you some things, like your husband chose not to follow through.
My husband slept in a different room for months, and we didnt speak for a while.(Because I couldnt talk to him) I felt like I needed to be something or someone else, that I could fix it. I learned that I could not fix it, but together, my husband, myself, and God, WE could fix it and move on. It was so hard to stay. I thought it would be easier to say goodbye and walk away from the pain.
I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused. With the encouragement of friends, I told him that either he went to counseling with me or he would have to move out. I was scared and didnt want to lose him, but I also didnt want to hurt.
He agreed to go to a counselor. It was the best thing we did for our marriage. The counselor met with us together and individually. He helped me to see what was and was not mine to own.
I understand the feeling of not wanting to lose your husband and not being able to look at him at the same time. give yourself time, and if you need it space. Dont be afraid to ask for help. I encourage counseling. I can honestly say that we would not be together if it was not for that. It helped us through that, and has given us some tools to make it through other tough times. Feel free to contact me if I can be any help or if there is something specific you would like me to be praying about. i will be praying for your family and for you.

J., I have been through this. My now ex husband cheated on me. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. I asked him what I did and he would always respond that I didn't do anything. When he told that he wan't sure if he loved me anymore, I was devastated. Fortunately, we didn't have any children together, but I still love his 2 boys like they are my own. This was about 9 years ago. I wanted to try to work things out, but he didn't. If you really want to work things out, he has to work with you. Communication is a must. I have since remarried and have a wonder son who will be 5 in November. He was born with a congenital heart defect and had open heart surgery at 8 days old. The divorce that once seemed like the worse thing that could ever happen to me turned out to be a blessing in disguise, if that makes since. I hated him for what he did, but then later was glad he did because otherwise, I wouldn't have my wonderful son and husband I have now. By the way, we were married one week shy of 5 years. Hope this helps. Remember, it is nothing you did. Good luck!
K.

J.,

First let me say I am sorry. Second, and most important. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE HIM TO CHEAT. Don't ever let him or yourself tell you, you did. Maybe there are areas in your marriage to work on, but his cheating is NOT YOUR FAULT. Please, please believe this. In my first marriage, my ex cheated on me repeatedly and I was young and I stayed with him for quite awhile. He tried to tell me it was my fault because in one case it was a former friend of mine and he said since I talked to her about our problems, that I opened the door for him to have sex with her!!!!! Your husband is cheating because of something HE wants to do, not YOU.

As for working on it, believe me it will be hard. Learning to trust him will be essential if you want to make this work. He needs to go to counseling with you and if he won't go by yourself. He needs to let you be angry at him without pushing you away. You have a right to your anger, hurt, sadness, whatever else you personally feel.

God Bless you-Mel

J., i am so sorry to hear that, that kind of betrayal is the worst. if you can forgive him and stay in your marriage then thats the first step, the question is does he really want to make it work? if so then it can be done...do not blame yourself,he made a choice. it's all about how forgiveness and love from the both of you,in order to make it work. i hope this helps, i have never been cheated on,but i know one thing you are not responsible for someone elses doings, i really feel bad for you and hope everything turnes out the way you want it to! V.

First of all...you did NOTHING to make him cheat or want to cheat, he chose to do that himself. Even if he is not happy it takes "2 to tango" as they say. Does your husband want to work on the marriage, what is he saying, because if you are both not into it then it won't work. My suggestion to start is to find a good marriage counselor in your area, or a pastor/minister if you belong to a church. Start going as soo nas possible and see if that helps you.

Let me know if you want to talk about it more because how he is feeling will make alot of difference as to what I suggest you do.

Hope to talk to you soon, S.

i'm sorry this has happened to you and your children. but it's not your fault. he can and probably has told you it was- but its not. men who cheat are always looking for something better. they are never satisfied.

understand marriage is hard. does he want to work on it? be honest with yourself. because i have found that once a cheater always a cheater.(in most cases).my ex and i were married for 21 1/2 years. he was verbally abusive and a little physical.so i devorced him. started dating this "perfect man"-or so i thought. he had been married 4 times.first clue. and it was always their fault that they devorced him. i caught him cheating on me after 1 1/2. it destroyed me. well now i have learned that he had cheated on them too.

you can say that you are staying for the kids. but you know in your heart that its not good for them to see what is going on. and trust me-they are smarter than we give them creat for. you can make it on your own. hang in there. look deep into your heart and you will know what is right for you and your children. its your choose. your life can get alot worst or you can make it alot better for you all.

J....do NOT take the blame for this onto your shoulders...I dont want to come down too hard on your husband but...HE was the one that did this..not you. You may not be the perfect wife...you may not keep the perfect house..you may not be the perfect partner in bed but how does an affair make any of this better??? You need to find a counselor or trusted pastor to talk to...both individually and together. I can tell you, from personal experience that this is going to take a long time to get over...once trust is broken, it takes a long time to re-establish it but it can be done. It is a long journey and each persons is different...but it can be done.
God Bless you
R. Ann

Hello J.

guess what, i just had the same situation this weekend. I don't know what to tell you, because i can't find any answers for my own problem.
We had 4 weeks ago another baby, which seems to have colic. So i don't really have time for my husband. I told him on saturday to find another woman who can satisfie him in a sexually way, because i'm really not in the mood for it and also don't have time for that either. Saturday evening he went to the gas station and came home with a phone number from this girl i know and want to go out with her. My husband took shower, got dressed up really pretty, which i didn't see him since 2 years, took his wedding ring off and put 2 condomes in his pocket. I thought i freek out. But it was my own fault, i was so stupid and told him to find somebody else. Eventually he didn't go out with her, because i went to the gas station and cuzed her out, what she think she is doing with my husband. She knew he is married to me and we just had a baby again. And every time i went there before, she was so nice to me and also asked for my husband. but i didn't think anything by that. well i was stupid again. Anyway now when my husband try to kiss me or hold me in bed, i think the whole time about it, how he lies beside her and having sex, even nothing happened between them. Jesus i don't know any more what to do and after he done that, even i told him to do that, i don't know, if this marriage works out for me. I think if he would really loved me, he wouldn't do that, or am i wrong theyr?

Well i hope you can find your way to deal with that. I just want you to know, you're not alone in this position.

Honestly, I couldn't stay. The kids are going to know somethings not right.

I honestly think by allowing him to stay or "work through it" just gives him the impression he can get away with it.

Understanding that it's not your fault he did that is a BIG factor. Just because you want to keep him doesn't mean he wants to stay. You deserve a man who wants to be with you.

It is not anything you did or didn't do. It is all him. DO NOT personalize that. NOBODY deserves to be cheated on. Nobody. I want to strongly suggest "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I believe it is essential for any woman who has been through this or anything similar. Dr. Phil's book is good, too, but I do believe that this other one gives you some really good practical ways to decide what to do about the marriage, and how to move forward from here. I will pray for you.
(((hugs)))
M.

The other's are right, the blame is not with you. He made the choice and now he has to make the decision. Will he return to his vows or will he walk? I would suggest marriage counseling, but the first thing you can do is buy or borrow "Relationship Rescue" and read or listen to it and follow those steps.

It takes a lot to get past it but it is within you to get past the hurt and focus on the present.

Hi J.! First off, I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. I completely agree with the others...this is definitely NOT your fault. You have not done anything to deserve this. My husband cheated on me as well about 4 years ago. Our marriage had hit a rough patch and he started seeing a woman for several months. Once I found out and had hard proof, he begged for forgiveness. Couples can and do get past this. You have to be willing to forgive him which will take a very long time to do. AND he has to be willing to put in the work to earn your trust again. I completely agree about counseling! It's so worth it! My husband refused to get counseling. When he refused I should have drop kicked him to the curb but I wanted to make my marriage work. We have struggled very hard since. He hasn't tried to truly earn my trust nor given me all that much reason to forgive. My point is is that if he's not willing to meet you more than halfway to mend your marriage then seriously consider divorcing. I know that's a very large and difficult pill to swallow especially when kids are in the picture. Just know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you and your family. I do hope that you are able to mend your marriage and can move forward and live happily ever after.

You have to make a decision and stick with it. Do you want to work on your marriage... if you do you have to find a way to get him to discuss it with you so you both understand why it happened then you have to come to an answer that you both agree on, as to how you both will ensure it does not happen again. Then the hard part... you have to forgive him and move on. You can not keep bringing it up. I did not say you are going to forget because you WILL NOT forget, it will be on your mind most of the time... Then he must realize that you are going to ask question and he needs to answer them not get defensive or anything like that. If he does, remind him that he got himself in this situation and now he needs to help you help your marriage. Hope this helps... it is hard. but most the time worth it.

J., I so know how you are feeling. My husband at about 4 years of marriage decided to cheat on me. It tore my world apart. He never gave me an ansewer on why. We had a 3yr old and a newborn at the time. I forgave him, it took a long time,but we got through it. This July we will celebtate our 20th anniversary. You may need some couseling to get the 2 of you through it. I will keep you in my prayers.