How to Talk to an Angry Husband

Hi,
Sorry what you are going thru.
i have a great relation with my husband but I realize years ago that men are useless specialy in the house and kids matters.
Take a big breath and do a little of brain storm. I have 4 kids and 3 of them are under 6 years old. What it works for me is rutin. I have a very strong rutin in the house . last years i put the kids in bed at 7:30 at ninght this way my husband and I can chat and plan for next day.
please don't get stress, be happy and your husband will get happier to.
I wish you the best
M.

well if u can remember to do this try this..baby him..go over to him and not in a condescending way but in a loving way say.."hey does my honey need some attention?" and be affectionate..works like a charm ..usually melts guys..i know it's a drag to see him be snappy w/ the kids but he's going through a rough time..his mom just died..baby him..i used to make light of things w/ boyfriends..like i'd say.."oh is my baby mad? does my baby need some lovin?" and they would stop their tirade and say "yes" and pout.. yeah i'm rolling my eyes inside but man it really stops an argument ..try it out..but sometimes it's hard to remember to baby guys..they are really just big babies aren't they?

It's atough cycle you're in. I was just there and sure I will be again in the future. When ever trauma and stress become the dominant factor in a relationship, it becomes hidden behind coping mechanisms, like the ones we use because it what we know from our childhood. Anger, arguing, no one sits us down and tells us trauma will put us in a hole of anger unless we actively heal and move on.
I went to councelling. Found a therapist and talked for six months, once a week. Yeah!! Highly highly recommended. Even though your husband was the one affected by the trauma, you have to live with the anger everyday. You need support. Perhaps he will follow. My husband went but was resistant to the process. But he is my bold beautiful man again. I did what I had to. He did it his way. We are happy again.
Take care of you first. Good luck.

Hi C.,

I'm sorry you're going through this -- but since you are willing to work on making improvements, my bet is that the worst of it is behind you.

It sounds like your husband's got a lot of stressors going on right now, so I wouldn't push the joing counselling, which many men view (sometimes correctly, sometimes not) as an oppoturnity to get blamed by their wives. I general, men are much more action-oriented than talk-oriented, so the idea of talk therapy (while it can be a great resouce!) is super scary for many of them.

With that in mind here are my suggestions:

Get counselling for yourself. You mentioned that your parents had a very antagoinstic relationship and that you fear what you learned from them is affecting your ability to communicate with your husband. If you change your behaviors, you'll be amazed by how much the postive changes you make will affect your husband's behavior. Please make sure you are working with a therapist who is fully on-board with your goals: improving your communication skills with your husband and strengthening your marriage. It's important to be super-clear with them about your goals so that everyone's on the same page!!

BTW, I don't mean that in a blame way at all, but it will be much easier to make changes within yourself than to force your husband into counselling with you!! ;)

Also, I highly recommend reading the book "5 Languages of Love" -- it's short and easy, with a fun quiz in the back that both of you can take, and this can be really helpful as a fun tool to know how to reach out to your husband in ways that are meaningful to him -- and he to you, although from the sound of your e-mail, it is your husband who really needs you to be nurturing to him right now, and then hopefully he'll get back to being his sweet self.

We often forget just how much influence we actually have: our actions often dictate the tone of the interactions we have, and by you changing yourself for the better, there will be improvement all the way around!! Hope this helps. Things will start looking up soon!! :)

get "the proper care & feeding of marriage" and/or "the proper care & feeding of husbands" by dr. laura schlessinger

may help ya out ~ good luck to ya, mama!

C.,
I disagree that babying him or coddling him or actually anything you can do alone is the answer (but then I dislike Dr. Laura vehemently). He has anger issues, not you. I definitely agree counseling is in order- him, together, you, anyone that will go but hopefully both of you together. I hope your hubby can see that you want help to figure out how you can love each other MORE right now when things are hard. I hope you both find the strength to get through this together, positively.

After my father died, I did my best to push everyone away. My feeling was "if I don't love anyone, It won't hurt when they die". Wrong. My husband died young and I learned through loosing my father that you can't push the ones you love aside. Your husband may be doing this with the loss of his mom. He has job stresses. Allow him some "decompress" time when he gets home from work. You are right to remind him that it is a loosing battle to argue with a four year old. However, tell him that if he gives his son 10 minutes, he will gain 20 in being left alone. Good luck.