Feeling Neglected by Husband

CM~
I may be able to help. I'm a romance specialist. We can talk confidentially about anything you want. I have a website
kellyzpassionz.com

I couldn't recommend the following book more:

"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel

You are NOT alone and it can be fixed. Don't wait - jump on it now or it will get worse.

Be honest, and say the exact same things to him that just said to us (except for the being attracted to others part). You need to seriously discuss this with him and just as you did above. Try talking about it over dinner.

Good luck.

Hey Girl,
It sounds like you two have forgotten your marriage. Having kids is just a bonus but you've got to remember that before your son there was you guys, and you've got to keep that core going. Make time for each other, go out on regular date nights. When your son takes a nap on the weekends grab into your room. He really needs to stop going out with his single guys friends, he's just opening a door right there that doesn't need to be opened. Ask him how he feels about you guys, but whatever YOU do don't seek attention from other men. Get back to basics, how did you create your son??? Start flirting with him. Good Luck. Remember your vows, in good times and in bad, he may just be going through somethings.

Remember the golden rule? Treat him the way you want to be treated - affection without criticism, love, respect, cheerfulness, appreciation, courtesy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.....but no matter how flat a pancake is, there are always two sides.

#1 - The best gift you can give your son is loving your husband....loving each other. Splitting up should not even be an option. Your son deserves an in tact home, studies show he'll be better for it and much more secure. independent and responsible. VALUES ARE CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT!

#2 - Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It will make a huge difference if you follow through.

#3 - Take time out without your baby, away from home, and talk with your husband....communication is the key to every relationship especially in marriage.

#4 - Seek out a counselor.....I would suggest a family counselor or pastor (a Godly man).

Marriage is hard work but it's worth it for all involved to stay together, this is how God designed it. Separation and divorce should not even be mentioned in to your vocabulary.
You get out what you put into it.

Blessings upon you.....

There have been moments when I have felt under-appreciated, though never to the extreme i believe you are feeling. I would get depressed and focus more on my children thinking i'd get attention there. I realized one day that perhaps he's feeling neglected as well and started changing myself. I took more time to notice my husband, the positive things he did, the way he looked, what a great dad he is. I also started doing more of the things he liked, such as scratching his head, having dinner as close to ready as possible when he got home, greeting him with a smile, a kiss, looking nice when he got home, asking about his day and listening without interrupting, allowing him a little down time before i asked for help with the kids or unloaded any frustrations i had that day, and showing that i was interested in being intimate rather than waiting for him to make the move.

i don't know if you feel you are doing all you can already to show him how much you appreciate him and all he does, we only have control of ourselves and if we want others to change we have to look at ourselves first.

Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands has been an eye opener for me. It's worth a look.

Relationships go two ways, If you've done all you can to show you love and respect him hopefully he will change his behavior. I sure hope so. It hurts to feel negleted. Maybe he feels the same way.

make staying home an attractive option, or plan date nights and he just might turn his focus more homeward.

Hi CM, it sounds like he wants to be a dad but not a husband. Have you tried talking with him about your feelings? I would definitely try some sort of counseling and if he does not want to then maybe a separation, because eventhough you are married he is behaving like a bachelor. Children need two happy parents, even if apart, rather than two unhappy parents together.

Don't wait, talk to your husband. Find out what exactly is going on in his head. If he says nothing is going on then that is not a good sign because it is obvious that there is something amiss. Make him start back SEEING you. Have you been too tired or been too busy for him in the past? You know better when the turning point was in your relationship. try to find out what changed. If you know what it was or is and you can do something about it then take action. Someone said focus on yourself. Only do that if you feel there is something about you that changed the relationship. If it is not, then focus on getting your relationship back or even better than before. Sounds like you need to act fast because something is definintly wrong. If it is something that you can wear or cook or whatever it takes to make him look at you, Do it.

Arrange for the baby to be with someone you trust for a few hours when he arrives home. Make his favorite meal or buy it (whatever the case may be) and have everything set up for a date and conversation. Don't let him get away with "nothing is wrong" The wife's instincts are usually right, unless she is neurotic, so get to the bottom of things before they get worse. If you can't find anyone to take the baby feed him bathe him and have him completely comfortable so that you can work on your relationship, maybe even your marriage.

I've been married for 35 Years and I can tell you that now is the best time to act.

Blessings,

You two need to have a derious talk. Get a sitter for your son, go somewhere where you can talk openly without interruptions.Find out if either of you still wants to be in the relationship. If so, I would recommend marriage counseling. I would be curious to know if your husband has been faithful...hope you figure out what you both want.
Good Luck!

That sounds awful! I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Perhaps you should get some couples counseling so that you can share your feelings with your husband in a constructive environment. Keep in mind, also, that many marriages ebb and flow, and children can change things. However, I don't think it's good that he goes out with his friends late into the evening. As a father, it seems he should be more responsible and share in the parenting by being home with you. Just my two cents. Good luck with everything.

I'm really to hear about your situation. Run, don't walk, to a good reputable couples therapist. I know a ton of people are going to pitch Dr. Laura's book to you. It borders on insulting, moving on to the insipid. She seems to treat her clients like they're morons, and if I recall, she's not even a psychologist. You might as well be getting advice from the grocery checker. Hang in there, and whatever choice you make it's the right decision for you.

Hey CM

Have two kids and have been married 18 years and it has taken up to almost now that I can actually say, "I like my husband", I'll always love him but liking him is what I needed to come to terms with!!Like being a Mom and having a job, marriage is a "job" that has to be always worked on, staying on top it!! It's normal to start being attracted to others when they are giving you compliments that you need to hear!! Acting upon it is another issue but before it gets to that, have you tried spicing things up in the bedroom!! I sometimes text my husband pics of me in something really sexy or almost revealing and in the caption section say, Look what's waiting for you at home!! Men are bad at expressing themselves, have you had a heart to heart!! I started having a Mommy Day myself when my kids got old enough where my husband had to make sure he was home to babysit so I can go and hang out with the girls and still to this day something I do!! Seeing me all dresses up was something that started getting him "hot" and when I would get home....well, let's just say we were both "happy"!!! I also have a box of things that he wrote down of all the things he/you would like done to him/you and visa versa and once a week where u take turns picking out a paper and whatever it is, it's being done!!! Hope this helps....Good luck

V.

Dear CM,

Have you told him? If not, please do and try not to get into an argument with him (choose your battles wisely). It's all about the TONE of voice you use when talking to him.

Are you repectful to your husband? I guarantee he feels disrepected by you which is why he isn't showing you love. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, just honest. Respect is the most important thing to a man, especially from his wife. Even if he doesn't deserve it, try being the best wife you could be and see what happens. It'll be hard...but for the sake of your marriage it's worth it. It's the more mature person who gives in first.

Also, whatever you do, please don't talk about your marital problems with another man. And, try not to trash talk him to your female friends...it's counter productive and unsupportive of your relationship to him in the long run. Your relationship with him should be your #1 priority (other than God) since it is the foundation of your family, for the sake of yourselves and your baby. Anyway, I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.

Hey!

I hate to say it, but some people can be so pushy...

I just want to share my experience with you and take from it what you like. Mine started when I was pregnant...

My son's father and I were never married and had issues from before we got pregnant. We decided to 'make it work' for our family and it was fine for a while. But, he developed a distant behavior pattern and began talking to my belly more than to my face. It was tough, when he would go out and not come home until late or make arrangments to go do things we'd have done together before I was pregnant and not include me. I sat in my silent resentment, and pused him with little remarks and mentioning how nice it would be if he would tell me I looked good...

Long story short. When I finally sat down and asked him what was going on, it was too late to salvage anything because I couldn't see the man I fell in love with anymore and he just wanted to be done with me. We split while I was still pregnant and it has been tough...I wish we could have been better communicators and talked about our issues and resentments that were always at the surface before it became too hard to go back.

Being a single Mom is tough, but my son makes everyday the best day...

I guess my advice is to ask him out on a date sooner rather than later...it could just be dinner or dessert. But, if you plan to work through this rough patch do it before you build a valley between yoursevles.

Good luck!! And, remember everything happens for a reason.

Don't ignore this problem. Let him know how you feel. Seek some counseling if necessary. Don't wait for it to get better. It won't unless you do something about it.

I suggest therapy and sharing your feelings open and honestly. Ther has to be a starting point. Good luck!

First of all, Do not look for acceptance from others! Sine your hubby has not been vocal in his approval, you see it from others, which causes you to think about straying. Look for acceptance in yourself! Compliment him on being there as a father, and loving his son so much. You are a lucky woman that he loves his child so much.

I've been in a very similar situation. You need to talk to him about your feelings. Tell him you need more compliments, and that you need him to only go out with his friends once a month or maybe twice a month, but that you also need time out AND you both need to also go out together. The intimabcy part and the arguing could be a result of depression. My husband suffers from it, and it affects all of those things. Suggest therapy if talking to him does not work. If he refuses, give him an ultimatum. I know it sucks to have to do that, but they usually work, after a cooling off perriod(he'll probably get angry). Good luck!

Hi,

My situation is very similar, so I am writing to express my sympathy. I, too, do not know what to do--in spite of being a graduate psychology student and the relative of several psychologists/psychotherapists. I have read articles and books on relationships, suggested participating in marriage counseling together, which he thinks is useless, and gone to therapy by myself, which was not helpful. I stay in my marriage for my kids.

Some people on this message board love Dr. Laura's books. I am not a fan of Dr. Laura for several reasons and found her book mediocre, but to each his/her own. (Dr. Laura's PhD is not in psychology; it is in one of the natural sciences. Also, Dr. Laura often treats her clients disrespectfully, which is what psychologists and therapists are NOT supposed to do.) I highly recommend John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles of Making Love Work. Dr. John Gottman is highly respected by his fellow psychologists and, unlike many pop psychologists, backs up his recommendations with scientifically sound evidence. I also recommend Dr. Sandra Pertot's book, When Your Sex Drives Don't Match. Just wish my husband would read these enjoyable, helpful books and try the short, fun exercises with me.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Try making arrangments to go on a sexy date. I know a cool place in studio city. Nice food, trendy and roomantic. Baby to stay the night with trusted babysitter. Drink up and have fun, do some dancing. Then hit a nice hotel! Hope you and your hubby get reconnected. If the night ends sours then I guess you will have really talk to him about reconnecting. I proposed having a sexy date first before talking about the issue because I assume you may have already talked to him about this issues. Sometime we focus too much on talking and communicating about our needs without setting up opportunity to put things in action. One thing I do not like is that hubby needs to stop going out! That can be discussed after your wild night out with him. Let me know if you need suggested places to go.

try to get him into couple's counseling, and just be as honest as possible.

Hi C M, I think first thing you need to do is take a step back, and look at the big picture, and try and figure out what has changed, don't remind your husband to give you a nice "greeting" you give him one, every time he walks through that door. If he isnot interested in intamancy right now, don't push it, but try and find out why, in doing so, don't point fingers, don't accuse, just let hime know in the most loving and respestful way you can, that you mis him, and that it hurts you that you both don't seem to be as close as you once were. Communication is very important in a marriage, so talk, and be prepared to listen with your heart, if he says something that you dopn't agree with that's ago, do let it turn into an argument. My husband and I have been married for 27 years but at out 13 year make my husband retired from the Navy, and it just changed everyhting, it got bad and we both had thought about walking, and it even got yo the point that I told my husband that i didn't love him anymore, my friends told me yes you do you're just mad at him, this lasted about 8 1/2 months, it started affecting our kids, that was awake call for me, well to make a long story short, we got help with our church, went to a couple marriage retreats, classes and read a couple books, and the last 14 years we have been better than ever, our kids familt stayed in tact, and to this day, thank us all the time for the way we raised them and for who they are today, they saw the stuggles, they saw that our love for them was stronger than any anger ir ill feelings we had for eachother. Your husband is devoted to your son, if his live for your son is stronger than the reasons he'staying out late, does not want to be intamate, this can be worked out. The key to this working out though is communication, sometimes little things sneak in and up set a marriage, find out if there is something that's really bothering him, that you can help him with. Let know you love in not just in works but in actions, Remember not matter what don't argue stay humble. If you would like to talk furture, my e-mail is ____@____.com,net J. L.

Kids can zap the energy out of everyone, so it takes more effort to keep the candle lit in any relationship. My husband and I make an effort every month to have at least two date nights. This can get pricey if you don't have family around to help you watch the kids, but hiring a babysitter is an investment towards saving your relationship. Don't give up. If you still love your husband, it's time to make an effort together.

Also, men like to feel needed. Which is why he is so close to his own son, a toddler that needs him. If you make it seem like you and your son are fine without him, he'll respond to that and find someone else that needs him. This doesn't mean you become a weakling, but it does mean that you'll make him feel more manly.

I hope this helps. Keep your head up and take care of you.

Lots of smiles.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

My best advice is to get into counseling. You need a neutral environment to bring up your concerns with your husband and I'm sure he'd appreciate a forum which would let him address his concerns as well. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of communication.

When we get comfortable with someone, we tend to think, "Well, they know me, so they know how I feel about this." But that's not always the case. You both may be surprised by what the other has on their mind.

Best of luck to you.

I don't know where to start...first of all, trust your instincts! I've been in a similar situation and it sounds as if he's turning to someone else. There is NO reason for a married man to go out with single men, it only leads to trouble. That alone would make me very concerned. Who is always starting the arguments? This could be an excuse to leave?

I agree with counseling, there is a class which WE took and that's the main reason we're still together, it's called, Hope for my Marriage. It is every Thursday and free, click on the following link:
www.rdf.org
then click on ministries, then couples/marriage

One other thing...you can attend this class by yourself, if he's not interested...I did.

Good luck and remember, trust your instincts!

I agree that you need to talk with your husband, immediately. If you don't feel you can tell him just at home or something, go to a counselor. You can work to communicate and rebuild your marriage if both of you want to. It's something you have to fight for, since you have a son. Don't let it go on any longer. You have to assert yourself and let him know that what he is doing is not OK and that you can work together to make things better. Good luck to you. Know you are not alone; I know so many people who are feeling like you are and it doesn't feel good. But you can do something about it and hopefully he will be open to making things work. I wish you the best.
J.

Sounds like you might need to suggest couples counseling. If he won't go then sorting out your feelings with a therapist is also a good idea. I did just that when I knew my marriage was in trouble. I hope all goes well.

My heart really goes out to you. You are getting tons of advice and I probably can't add much. But my mind didn't leap immediately to an affair, as it did to others. Of course that's always a possibility. But I don't think fixating on that will help matters. What you need to focus on (and I absolutely loved Wendy's answer...yes we do sway the wind, don't we?) is just...yourself. You need to figure out what will make you feel better about yourself and do it. Do you need a haircut? Some pampering, like a facial or a massage? Some time with your girlfriends? A regular outing so you can have a break? Take charge of your own happiness FIRST...then I think you will be better able to confront what is wrong with your marriage. It could be that your husband is feeling neglected too. You may just need to spend some couple time alone. This is a snag in your marriage, it doesn't have to be the way things are, nor does it necessarily have to signal the end. You just have to find your intimacy again...but first, as I said, you need to feel good about yourself. Good luck. Marriage takes a lot of work, but it's well worth it to give your son the loving home you desire. It's also important for you to feel happy about your life, but as others have said, don't rely on your husband too much for this...take care of some of those needs yourself. Good luck. I wish you well.

You might try reading some of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books (Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands; Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage). Try to schedule activities a few times a month with your husband alone as couple time. Do things to show your husband that you remember how it was when you were falling in love. Don't nag him or talk badly about him or his behavior to anyone. Make your home an inviting place to be. Talk honestly with him about your behavior. Ask him how he perceives the marriage. Ask him if there is something in your behavior that makes him not want to come home at night. His going out with friends, working late, possibly drinking with friends...all of these are signs that there is a problem of some type. I am not saying that the problem lies with you totally, but you need to honestly look and see whether any of your behavior could be contributing to this. I don't think that marriage counseling is the answer, because you could spend lots of money you don't have and not see much result if you get the wrong counselor. Don't talk about this with your friends or family. It is important that you not tell them about this because when the times are good again for you, they might be against your husband, because they remember the negative things you have said. Try not to argue or be emotional about this in front of your son. If you and your husband are involved in a church, you may want to try some type of religious based counseling through your church or something like Marriage Encounter (a weekend to help couples grow closer and communicate better.) Good luck with your situation. I wish you nothing but the best.

There are two things here and one is irrelevant to the other. The one is, the writing is on the wall...affair? maybe. But the other thing is, and is SO important to mending or stopping the other...YOU NEED TO FOCUS FROM THE INSIDE OUT. You are zeroed in on your husband's disposition and interests, and that is governing how you feel about yourself. THIS IS LETHAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP. You've probably heard this in many forms, but you must listen. Whether or not your husband is having an affair is irrelevant to how you must focus on yourself. Deal with affair stuff yes, DONT PUT UP WITH IT. But you are feeling good about yourself only when people pay attention to you. You are beautiful...a mother, an intelligent woman. We, as women, are the center of the family. We are actually the center of the universe in what makes the world go 'round. We are beautiful creatures, who can sway the wind. Dont sell yourself even an inch short of this. Carry yourself as such. Command respect without saying a word. We can do this and remain soft.
Your husband doesnt hold the key to how good you look, you do. And most of this comes with how we carry ourselves;how we smile;how we assert our nurturing quality and our sexy quality. You can turn a head with one word in how it's delivered...with confidence and beauty.
Your husband is a dummy if he cant see this when you use it. It's his loss, and he will very quickly know this as you consistantly walk on and attract all around you, male and female, in just "life".
Dont let anyone treat you as if you were not important. YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. Give him a chance, in the change in you, yet dont wait or EXPECT it...for then it loses it's permanancy. Make a choice in yourself. Hold you baby in your arms and it's easy. Look in the mirror, with that baby, and make the choice that you are ALL IMPORTANT, because you ARE.

Wendy

You have lots of great advice here, and they are all right, first things first look at yourself before blaming others, what has changed about you?

Mine were, I finally spoke my opinion (grew up, realized some of the stuff he said was down right dump and I couldn't hear it anymore). Another thing was I kept things about the kids from him (mostly because he is always right, at least in his head. And he would blow-up telling us how stupid we were for doing it this way, even though are way was better). I also stopped talking to him our communication dropped and we suddenly had nothing to say to each other.

Things I have learned: I don't deserve to be treated bad, I have an opinion and it's not stupid, I still loved this idiot, when things are great they're really great. You have to take care of yourself because no-one else will. And I am wonderwomen, because I can do it all.

Get someone to watch your son or do it when he is napping. Tell him you would like to talk to him about where your lifes are headed, tell him you don't want to fight, that you will listen to him if he will listen to you. Don't blame him for anything, that starts a fight. You are not playing the blame game you are talking. Tell him you have noticed that he is not happy to be around you and you are wondering what he is feeling and what you can do to change this. Then listen closely, when he is done repeat what you heard. This is important that you both repeat what the other one says because we all have the tendance to hear what we want. Example: Hunny your mean to me! he hears your mean to everyone. but he's not mean to everyone. Example: hunny I need your help in getting the kids to bed earlier so we can have more time for sex. He hears: hunny I'm going to put the kids to bed earlier so I can come have sex with you. These examples are based at him but you need to listen and repeat also. We tend to do the same thing. Date nights are a must. You don't have to spend money to have date nights, and it doesn't have to be for hours. You have one child can a grandparent or realative help you out even a friend, or a trade works great. You watch theirs this weekend they watch yours the next. At this point even putting the kid in the stroller and going for a walk all together. Some ideas: go get ice cream, walk at the park, dinner even if its in & out or Carls Jr., drive in's yes they still exist in some places, movies, make a candle lite dinner for 2, picnic in front of a fireplace or on the bed with rose petals, a bath together. That's what it's all about you two together for an hour at least. And sex in the afternoon is the best you both have more energy. Plus you can be vacuuming naked when he walks in. Be more creative about sex, do it everywhere and all the time. This is what marriage is all about, the kids watching a movie you got 10 minutes. Sometimes fast is just as fun, it's all about getting it & away with it that makes it exciting.

If these attempts don't work try marriage conceling, But try to fix this before it gets worse or there becomes nothing to save. Remind him that you love him and you really want to make this work. Good Luck! J.

I know you're reaching out for guidance, but in my opinion, the best advice you're going to get right now is to sit down with your husband and have a very long, very serious conversation. You're on a slippery slope right now and you need to open up and be honest with him before things get out of control. I wish you all the luck in the world. I know it's not a comfortable place to be in, but you cannot keep this to yourself any longer.

wow....its great that he is being a good dad, some guys are all about the procreating and thats it. It sounds like he might be having a problem with being a husband and father, too much pressure. He may also be spending too much time with his single friends and missing what life was like before baby. You for sure need to put the brakes on the going out with single friends too much. Can you get a sitter and plan some alone time without baby in the next room. Sometimes men stop thinking of us as still be sexual beings once we have a baby and sometimes they have a hang up with having sex when the baby may need something right in the middle of romance. Either way he is being selfish. Counseling may be a good idea, but for sure you need to be having this discussion with him.
All the best to you.

Sounds like you already know what you have to do. He's not into your marriage anymore. He can still be a wonderful father to your son, but you need to be loved. He's just not doing that for you anymore. You know you deserve to be happy.....find someone who will do that for you. Time to move on for the both of you.
Good luck!

Hi C M,
I hope you can togethr better with your hubby. Try maybe having a sitter for one night or a couple of hours and cook a meal for him and you. Or go out to dinner just the two of you. It happens just be patient but not dumb, do you trust your hubby fully if you don't then be tactful and watch for mood changes and check your accounts for odd expenses.
Good luck and try to be nice to him if you love him.

D. K.

Hello CM

You sound abandoned and I feel for you.

Do you both go on "dates?" You are in a state of emergency... Find some couples who you both enjoy to go out with you. NO kids allowed...

All men go through this stage of feeling trapped with new marriage and baby. You are now his foundation. And you and hubby should not lose who you are in the mist of this big change. Try doing something you enjoy together. If the guys are single, try getting together with their girlfriends. If they are simply playing basketball.. try getting the girls to join men after for dinner. If they are at a bar... you and hubby should set some boundries .

M.

CM,
I know how you feel. Things can change alot when you have a little one in your life. You do sound very discouraged and I know how you feel. I have seven children ages 14 down to 1 and I know that I don't quite get the compliments and greetings that I would like, and like you we have lots of fighting as well. Alot of that is due to the stresses that a big family can bring. You do not have the big family but you and your husband are probably just going through a period of adjusting to life with a baby.
Have you tried simply telling him how you feel? Does he know your true feelings? Have you straight out asked him if he really does not want to be intimate? Have you told him how you feel about him going out with his single friends and that you don't think that that is right? Do you have someone who can babysit? You two need to go out with out the baby. Trust me this is soooooooooo important. I know because I have seen what happens in a marriage when husband and wife do not TAKE time for themselves. I know this is hard to leave the baby, But you both love your son sooooooooo much do this for him!!!! If you approach your husband in a loving way, and this is key!!!! be very loving about your feelings and honest and I imagine that for love of your son he will understand and care.
As far as you feeling attracted to other people, that is not right. I know it is hard when you do not feel appreciated but just because your husband doesn't compliment you doesn't make it ok for you to turn to where you might get attention. Turn to him first tell him what you feel and what you are needing, give him a chance to do something about it and change. Marriage takes lots of work, but in the end it is all worth it. You two are meant to be together.... You have a precious sign of your love for each other.... Your son and you can work this out for his sake!!!!!Don't give up on your husband. Please try to go out with him. Tell him that you want to spend time with him alone and that this is important for your marriage! and your son's healthy growth and development. It really is not right for him to be spending all that time with single friends, he is not single, he has a family now and needs to be with you! Good Luck I will be praying for you!

First I want to say that I'm not thinking this is your fault. I do want to suggest you try someting though. Ask your husband what you can do to make him feel loved and appreciated. Hear him & give that to him. After we have babies our men can begin to feel less important to us as husbands, lovers, etc. Let him know verbally & through your actions how much you love him & how much he means to you. Although baby has to come first, find other ways to make your husband feel like he's #1 to you. I know this might sound crazy, but just give it a try.

Keep in mind that usually when men go out a lot they are looking for somthing they aren't getting at home. Just like you are enjoying the attention from other men because you aren't getting what you need from your sweetheart... Try & give him what he needs & see what happens! Try your best (although hard sometimes!) not to nag him about anything.

I have three children & went through a similar thing. My husband wasn't going out, but was growing further & further away from me. One day I decided to come from a loving & caring place where I put my husband first, and the change was amazing. I got my sweetie back. My man who is willing to do anything for me & our children!

P.S. Greet him when he comes home like you'd like to be greeted! I bet in doing that you'll begin to get the greetings you like!

P.P.S I totally agree with another writer below. READ The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. I read it & it is excellent & very helpful.

Seems like everyone has given you some pretty good ideas already. I agree that you need to talk with your hubby ASAP. You need to be open and honest without being accusatory. Let him know how you feel without seeming like you're attacking him. Therapy would be a great idea since it seems like there's a lack of communication abilities (not that you can't communicate, but it seems like you feel you can't communicate with him) between the two of you.

You both need to remember that in a marriage, the husband and wife come before everything and everyone else (except God, if you are Christians), including the kids and any surviving parents/grandparents. Which means that when you and your child are home and hubby arrives, he should first seek out YOU for a proper hello.

Another thing that may help is for you to surprise him with a homecoming that has no child home... only you. Passion is important!

Have you spoken to him about this without putting him on the defensive? Sometimes there are thoughts going through HIS head that you're not even perceiving that explain his behavior. Also, have you looked at how you are acting? Is there anything about your day-to-day interactions that might put him off? If there are, change them. If there are not, ask him. You are right in that you do have a child who deserves and will function best with both parents fully in his life, so you need to ask the uncomfortable questions for his sake. It's not appropriate for him to be hanging with the guys, but what is he escaping from? Try to figure this out. Hang in there!

Ok this is going to go against every thing we women have been taught through the last 20 years. If you really want to keep him you must become his "girlfriend" again. You need to remind him why he pick you, be flirty, not critical. Greet him with a big sloppy kiss when he gets home. Men are really simple they want to be loved, needed and respected. It is amazing how some affection from you with no criticisism from you. Tellh im how wonderful he is as a man, a husband and provider. incentivize him to come home earlier from being out with his friends. i know you are tired and sex is last on the list, move it up, he'll come home. If a man is being treated this way at home he's going to respond in kind. He will start telling you how sexy you are and want to be home with the family more. I hope this helps.......

Dear CM,
Thsi must be so hard for you. I am so sorry. I have a 2 1/2 month old son and I had no idea how tough it would be on a marriage. Has this just started or been going on since your son was born? How was your marriage before your son came? Did your husband want this child?
These are all things I ask myself and have addressed with my husband as well. I, too, have felt a distance from my husband and from my friend's experiences it is not an uncommon situation.
I really think you need to decide what you want and what you deserve. Then you need to talk to your husband and see exactly what is going on with him. It sould like there is a communication breakdown. Let him know you want this marriage to work, but you also want a loving home environment for your son and you are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Maybe he just needs a wakeup call.
I don't know if this helps, but I wrote a long letter to my husband for the same reason and he came to me feeling terrible and realized how selfish he was being. He was being a child and felt he wasn't getting the attention from me he needed. Things are different right now, but who know if it will last.
I think you need to talk to your husband and see if he still wants what you want.
Good luck! I am thinking of you.

K.

First of all have you told him how you feel? If not you need to. He can't change if he doesn't know what to change. If you have told him and he hasn't changed I would sit down and ask flat out if he's still in love with you. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

Counseling will only help if both of you are willing to make it work. I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope we get a positive update from you soon.

All I can say is don't give up. Your son depends on an intact family. Is there anyone you could leave your son with so you could have a night at a hotel & a mini vacation? I know a lot of men feel neglected when baby come along... maybe it would help. Sorry it's so rough right now!

Wow! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do not do anything rash, though, like having an affair. I think you should sit down and talk it out with him, tell him how you are feeling. You may want to insist that he go with you to marital counseling if he wants to continue being married. Sometimes men are unaware of how serious we are until we lay it on the table. I was very upset over my hubby's treatment of me for YEARS....I was at the end of my rope and was ready to walk away. I finally spelled it all out and my husband was devastated that I felt that way. He had NO idea I was feeling so neglected...and he was resentful that I never really told him in plain english until I was that upset.

I will keep you in my prayers, CM!!

I hope things have imporved since August.
Seems your husband is trying to go back to recapture his single days, blocking out his responsiblities as a married husband and father. If he had rather be with the boys, thats a BIG red flag.
I hope you will and did concider marriage counceling.

C M,
I was totally there. My husband of almost 5yrs and I went through that too. He would stay out late and I would give him the silent treatment. I felt rejected and alone. He would come in and greet our daughter, laugh and play with her, but with me he would give me but a hay or a nod of the head. I was feeling very low and unappreciated. I came across a friend (male) that I hadn't seen in along while and we started talking. I felt appreciated. But something clicked inside of me. My husband and I sat down and had a very long talk. We got everything out in the open and now things are better (not great but just the usual marriage stuff)We talk about what is bothering us and but it behind us. You should do the same. Sit down with her husband and get everything off your chest and let him do the same. At least this way he knows how you feel, and it should make you feel better by telling him. Communication is very important in a marriage and you need that now. Hope it works out for you. If you need to talk to someone you could email me too. Take care.....

I have been in a similar situation before with my husband and I sat him down to tell him my feelings. The main thing that stuck with him was that I explained that I knew how much he loved our son and he was a great dad, but our marriage is also important for our son's development and well-being so if he wants the best for his son he needs to step up to help make our marriage better and he did!

Try reading Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband" and implementing some of the ideas. She has many people that call in with your situation and she gives ideas how to make your man want to come home to you:) You can get it on Amazon for about $12 or you could see if the library has it. I hope it helps. You do need to keep a marriage together for the little guy.
H.

Firstly, find employment ($) in order to empower yourself. Secondly, read "The Rules for Marriage, Time-tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Good luck. I feel for you...

Have you heard of the "Madonna/Whore" syndrome? It's very common for a man to see you only as a mom and no longer as a desirable woman after you've given birth. Counseling is a must! Been there! My best advice is keep being the best WOMAN you can be... If he doesn't respond try not to take it personally, Don't let him squash your feminine girl power with his bad attitude...

Get Help!
Good Luck!
sg

Although you've gotten good advice, I thought I'd add my two cents. One thing you might try that has quick results (without a ton of effort), is to buy, read (and practice) The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (by Dr Laura Schlessinger). Before you roll your eyes, let me tell you from experience that this book has the power to change your marriage and life w/o belittling or demeaning you or making you subservient or whatever. In fact, this is all about woman power. Basically, it says that our attitude should follow our actions (act nice even if we don't feel like being nice), and that you can totally change the way your husband behaves based on your actions. You can control your husband and your marriage, but do it with the right things: kindness, sex, etc. Anyway, I hope you will give this book a chance. It's a quick read. Read a chapter and act on it and see what happens. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain! (PS - this is a really great way to teach your son how to treat women and how he deserves to be treated too.) Good luck.

All men want sex, so if he isnt giving it to you, he is probally getting it somewhere else. (Sorry) Try to initiate it and see what happens.