Marriage off Track

Hang in there. This is such a stressful time in any marriage, and take it from me, things can seem dire one day and then six months later, you can feel completely differently. Imagine how hard it would be to be a single mom, and give it some more time, is my advice.

Instead of a date night, sign up for a class together. That way you can reconnect having something to talk about that isn't baby related. It doesn't matter what the class is as long as it is something that interests you both.

I don't know if this would help at all... but I found myself going through something similar after my second child and still feel like it sometimes. But I found out that I was going through some postpartum depression and it was mostly me not happy with things, and always snapping at my husband and just being plain mean. So I don't know if thats the case, but I was feeling like I didn't want to be with him either and it was all the same thing every day like my job... Hope that helps a little...

I have been married for 6 years, and experienced this problem last year. It didn't help that I had a 4 year old, an infant, and my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and died 2 mths later. We had even gotten to the talk about whether we could last all of our "differences". After lots of advice, prayer, stressing, worrying, freaking out, I got the best advice ever. You're going to think this is crazy, but you have to be willing to try if for the sake of not just your child, but the family you started when you married your husband. You have to take a moment to remember why you fell madly in love with him, the way he made you feel, the fact that he is your best friend, eventhough it doesn't seem like it now. Now that you've been honest about that, you have to remember that he goes out every day to work at a job that he might not even like to provide for not just your child, but you too. You are his WOMAN, and you have to remember that, he loved you as his honey, and he still loves you eventhough you're worn out, stressed, and feeling crazy!!. Men do not think like we women do, and chances are that he's feeling down, because you're feeling down, you have that much effect on him! It's not going to take even 4 date nights to get back to the way you want to, but you have to start faking it. Even when you don't feel like being nice, fake it! Even when you're not up to having sex, fake it! And you have to give yourself some time away, especially by yourself. Sometimes when we're stressed, we tend to create an avalanche by talking with our friends about the crazy and stupid stuff our husbands say and do sometimes. But, you need to get a massage, ride a bike, take some quiet time, to reflect on all the wonderful things that are in your life. This takes time, if you would have asked me if things would have worked out the way they have last year, I would have not had a good outlook. But..... I made myself my husband's wife, before his children's mother, and not only has that give us peace as a couple, but it has given a peace to our family, as I have seen how my craziness effects my husband's, as well as both of my daughter's. So I say, as a fellow Christian, and SAHM, it takes you being the glue of your family, and I mean superglue, to make your husband miss you every moment, bring your child some peace, and in turn show yourself what a wonderful family God has placed in front of you to have a lifetime of joy. Because, I guarantee you, that if you're life changed tomorrow, and somehow your family was incomplete, you would do anything you could to have that craziness back. You need to do for your family what you would do if you were saving them from a burning building, love them to no end, praise them to no end, and thank God to no end. You will be surprised how much you get back tenfold. God Bless!

My advice...fake it till it real again. I'm sorry but I'm so tired of people talking about love in this 'chemical' way. That's lust not love. Love is something that grows after sharing and experiencing things together.

Why are you being so dang bitter with your husband? Is it because you chose to be a SAHM? A lot of woman can't handle it and completely lose themselves with it but it was a decision you made. Just like the decision you made to have a child. One you can undo the other you can't. And so what if you have to make the bigger effort to make your marriage smooth...guess what, that's part of your job description. You're obviously not making the only effort or your husband wouldn't be in counseling with you.

And stop going out with your friends for until you have your marriage back on track. Start being with your husband and having fun again. Until you figure out why you're angry with your husband keep your butt in counseling and work it out. You have a child that needs a stable home not a bitter mommy. I'm sorry I'm being harsh but the divorce rate is incredible and bad homes are no place for a child to be raised. Your child deserves better and it's your job to provide that better.

I know I'm going to get flamed but I'm ok with that....flame away

Dearest Jae,

It seems as if you are at a crossroads. Lord knows I have had my share of those in my life. Take it from a mom who has been married and divorced more than I care to share (now on my third). Let me first say to you that your experience is normal and I won't lie to you and tell you that you won't feel the same once this passes or the old Cliché "this too shall pass" only to happen again. In real life you are going to experience this all the time and it is not just your husband. It is you too! You are growing in wisdom and mercy and you see the world for what it actually is instead of the "cinderella" world we envision as children. You are a young mother I am assuming who has not really experienced life the way you anticipated. You probably settled into your life the way you invisioned when you were really young. Don't we all? You now have a child and feel trapped, you are starting to see that you may be missing out in life or missing opportunites in life, perhaps traveling the world...who knows? I have found in my quest for answers that love is pretty basic and it holds some pretty basic elements and if you have those elements than you can sustain anything. I hold onto 1Corninthins Chapter 13 verses 4-8 in the bible when I question my love for my husband, or my children, or the neighbor, or my boss, or the checker at the grocery store, or even the checker at WalMart...what is love? In the bible love is described as follows:

"love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade iteself, it is not puffed up, it does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, and endures all things. Love never fails."

You see...true love puts up with people who would be easier to give up on. I have given up on my first two husbands because when I read what love is and that which my ex-spouses did not posess, I felt that I was not in love. And for me, I chose to leave.

But...the way you describe your relationship it seems that you have a wonderful man and father and at one time he was your best friend. Which gets me to my final point. Love is not perfect it is achieved by patience. It took me years to figure out what love is and I will tell you girl...Love is so much more then the moment...and yes the old Cliché "the grass is NOT greener on the other side" Just different. The same issues are the same issues only with a different set of complications. Take it from someone who had to learn the hard way. It took me three times to finally figure out that I never really understood what love was to find the right partner in the first place. It took my three times to figure out how basic love really is. Think about your kids. Do you have thos qualities for your child? Did you now have them once for your spouse? If so, the make sure first that what you desire (love) is not something that has been there all along and then go for it girl! Get that man of yours to see what you want out of love. Print this out and make it a poem. You don't have to say it came from a bible (although it did) you can tell him this is what YOU want. Have him come to understand your deep need for companionship and friendship and most of all LOVE. Once you did that...get something done for yourself. Recently, I started a Mary Kay Business out of my home. This was for me to start meeting women and sharing my life's experiences to those women about my personal struggles and my achievements. Not just with men sweetheart, but with difficult children who were abused, with difficult teenagers (one who was diagonised with type I insulin diabetes), with losing my home in the Cedars Fire in 2003, with a finding of cancer in the lung and having survived three major surgeries all at the young age of 44(smile). If you start something in your life that makes you strong, independent, self-fulfilling, loved, inspired, (like I did with Mary Kay Cosmetics because that is inspiring let me tell you) you will feel better about you and you will fly with those wings and you will have the dream you have always wanted. You will have a second source of income and your attitude will be different with your spouse and your friends because YOU made the change in you. Something else...a small bit of advice. I have learned that women need love and men need respect and it is a cycle that cannot be broken if one of you doesn't move first. It is usually the mature person in the relationship that recognizes this and begins the process. If you want to get love in return, then you need to respect him. Pick up the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Ermerson Eggerichs. You are an amazing person. You need to know this! I am here for you and for all you new moms. I am so glad to be a part of this support network it is great! May the Lord Richly Bless You Tonigh and Every Night!

Love B. Bates, Santee San Diego

Hello Jae,
My name is V.. I was so touched when I read your letter. I wanted to respond then, but had to wait till I had enough time to devote to my reply. I have certainly felt the way that you do, and I divorced my first husband. It was the worst mistake of my life. It affected our daughter more than I would ever like to believe, even though there was no fighting or anything like that. She was robbed of the kind of life that God intended her to have, and that her father and I phromised we would have when we married. That was 29 years ago.
I remarried and we celebrated our 27th anniversary in Dec. There have been many times during our marriage that I have not been in love with my husband, and I'm sure he with me. But love is an action word, not an emotion. I believe God when He says that we are to love our spouses, through our actions. I too found all the faults my husband has, and maybe some he doesn't have, it was easy, a lot easier than looking at my own. When I started looking for his good qualities and praying that God would help me to see my husband through His eyes, my heart and attitude changed. I acted loving to my husband, and the feelings followed. He couldn't make me happy, only I could. I chose to love him. I'm not supprised that your husband is depressed and on medication, he doesn't know from day to day whether his wife is going to stay or go. I have been there as well, and it tore me up. For the sake of your dear child, please love your husband. It is the best gift you can give your child. There is no better reason to stay together than for the sake of a child, and I phromise that God will reward you and that if you see your husband through God's eyes, your feelings will return. Ask God to help you to forgive him for whatever he does to annoy you, and focus on his good qualities and compliment him on them. I would like to recomend a book by Evelyn Christianson called "Lord, change me"
God bless you dear heart, I'm praying for you and your family,
V.

Well, you and your husband made a committment when you got married. For better or for worse. This seems to me to be the "for worse" stage in your marriage. No marriage is ever perfect, no marriage can keep the "courting stage" of marriage. However, you do get to keep a growing love that changes, evolves, and strengthens. There is no such thing as a fairy tale ending. Which is kind of what it sounds like you want...something that is just not real. Marriage is work. You both signed up. Therefore, you cannot end a contract because you think are falling out of love. It sounds like you have a great marriage. Most people dream of having one just like you. Just keep working at it. Also, a bunch of us (husbands and wives) got together and watched a marriage conference on DVD. I would definitely recommend it to you. My husband actually liked it a lot. It gave both of us a deeper understanding of each other and how we can work to make our marriage even better because of that. You can find it on www.loveandrespect.com You may even want to have other couples watch it with you. Good luck and don't quit your marriage.

You've gotten some great advice already, but in addition to all that I just wanted to add a couple of things.

#1 admitting when you're depressed/anxious is the first step. I went through a similar situation. This website has helped me tremendously:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

I started crying as soon as I started reading through it because it made me realize that I was depressed and ungrateful and had lost a part of myself.

#2 It sounds crazy, but I found that it helps to have sex! It's a great tension reliever and it helps bring you closer to your husband. I know it's hard to get in the mood when you're angry and frustrated and overtired, but just do it! You might be surprised that you want to do it again the next day!

Jae,
I doubt you have fallen out of love with your husband. It sounds to me like he ia a pretty good man, a good father and the fact that you are in counseling says he doesn't want your marriage to go away.
Being a stay at home Mom might is a luxury for most women. Have you stopped to think how you would care for your baby while working full time? If you divorce you would most likely have to.
You seem to be focusing on your unhappiness by pinning it on your husband. Is it his fault? It really seems you might be suffering from depression and I highly reccomend you talk to your doctor right away about antidepressants.
They really work.
I have taken them for a long time now and I can tell you they saved my marriage and my sanity. I had gotten to the point of being angry with everyone, crying all the time, and just so frustrated. I could not seem to find a reason, I was just an emotional disaster.
It took some time for them to work, about two or three weeks, but the difference is phenomenal.
Try getting involved with M.O.P.S. Mothers of preschoolers. You will find lots of understanding there.
Also, you can start going to church. The Lord loves all of us, He wants what is best and if you get in touch with Him he will guide you through the dark times, as well as help you live in the light.
God Bless You,
D.

DON'T GIVE UP!!! It is too easy just to throw in the towel. I don't know anyone who hasn't been through the same thing or at least haven't felt that way. Marriage is work. A lot of work during times like these. You really may be just going through a phase and you don't want to ruin what could be a great thing by doing something drastic in what maybe just a phase. Keep going on your date nights once a week at least and I personally don't recommend too many girl nights, I don't think people realize how damaging that can be...what do most women do when the get together...they bash their men. It's sad. You end up finding, right or wrong, that you have justifications for how you feel and it only makes it worse...Of course your friends are going to side with you. Once or twice a month is healthy, but you need to be with your family as much as possible. Don't get me wrong- we need time with the girls, but in a healthy positive way. One of the best things that have helped me during the times I felt I didn't want to be with my husband was to do something for him on a daily basis. Leave him a note of kindness, surprise him at work with lunch try to serve him with out expecting anything. It's amazing how it can change how you feel. If you concentrate on him, remember how you came together in the first place, tell him your trying. Look for the good every day and maybe keep a journal of just "positive things". So many people get divorce only to regret that they didn't hold out a bit longer and try a little harder because they find they actually do love their spouse but just went through a dry spell. Try and look for the things he does for you instead of what he doesn't do. They can't read our minds and don't take hints...we need to tell them what we want.

My husband and I have been married 7 years now, and while that might not seem like much...if you heard what we have been through you'd wonder how we did it. And it hasn't been easy. I have felt at a few different times the same thing and we came close, or at least I came close to wanting to give up and I'm glad I didn't because we are the happiest we have ever been. We have a 5 year old girl and 2.5 year old boy. It's hard to keep up the passion, but you've got to start dating eachother again. Let go of whatever anger or frustration you have and concentrate on the good things. Also have Family night once a week where you do something as a family. The biggest thing that has helped me personally and with my husband is our faith in God. I didn't see you say anything about your faith so I hope I don't offend you but it really helps to include our Heavenly Father in our relationships. If you are both willing pray together nightly and have family and personal prayer...but having prayer together can be very powerful in helping your relationship because you can openly pray for eachother and asking for help that you maybe able to be a good wife and mother to your family. Being united in faith can really help get you through this. Of course for anything to work at all you need to be willing to work at it and it will take some time. Pray personally for help and inspiration. Just know you are not alone! You can make it work, especially if you have a willing spouse!
Best Wishes!

Dear Jae,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Life can be very difficult. But please consider your options carefully and dont' do anything you're bound to regret later.
One of the greatest myths in our society is that we "fall in love" and "fall out of love". Love is a choice, a decision we make, not a feeling. Mature people honor the commitment they make to love one another, despite what they're feeling from one moment to the next. Contrary to what most people believe, a good marriage takes a lot of hard work. But the benefits and rewards are truly awesome, if you're willing to make that sacrifice.
Try taking the focus off yourself and putting it on others for awhile. Try to understand things from your husband's perspective. Supporting a growing family puts a heavy burden on him you may not comprehend. Communication and understanding is vital and right now counseling is key. Please motivate yourself to do it, if not for you and your husband's sake, do it for the sake of your son. Having a "business-like" relationship with your husband is no way to raise a child. And divorce would be a hundred times worse.
You must work on your attitude. It isn't what happens to us in life that causes us heartache, but how we perceive it and deal with it.
I know these things are easier said than done, but again, the effort you put into it will be well worth it. Anything valuable comes with great price, and that includes a wonderful marriage.
I will be praying for you and your precious family.
Love,
E.

The one thing you've got to remember is your child needs and deserves both parents. These feelings of not 'loving' him anymore will most likely pass, and yes, they are oh so normal in a marriage. Taking care of a child is the number one hardest job on the planet.

As we grow, we begin to realize that those butterfly feelings we had for our significant other aren't really love. We see that EVERYONE does annoying things, and if you found another guy he would end up annoying you as well. And you would end up picking someone just like him, but only more annoying. Plus, he wouldn't love your child like your husband does, and it is all about the baby now.

Take time out each day and journal your feelings. Write a love poem to your husband. Don't show it to him necessarily, but list in there all the things you love about him. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. When we have little children sometimes it can seem like your husband has turned into a big kid and now you have another baby to take care of! That really will pass as the two of you graduate into deeper and new levels of your relationship and you are able to communicate to him lovingly your feelings of frustration.

Try to get a copy of the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura. Yeah, I know, you've got just tons of time to read a book! But it can really help you see some things. It helped me out a lot.

I hope this isn't just junk you've heard a hundred times over. Hope it helped.

I'm a mother of four amazing people. And if I had thought past my own frustration, my kids would have not come from a broken home. They missed their father every single day of their lives growing up, but the two of us were just too immature, too short-sighted to see the big picture. Now I can only pray that what I modeled for them was good enough so they won't make the same mistakes and repeat history.

Children need and deserve a whole home. Just repeat that every day.

hugs!

J.

Hey Jae!

One really good moment for me and my husband during a time when we were tired and busy and felt like strangers or business partners was going on a 4-day cruise out of San Pedro (LA) to Mexico and back by ourselves (they have 3 day, too). We were never more than 150 miles away from home and because we lived so close to the port, like you do, we only had to pay for parking and the cruise. We picked a low demand time so I think the whole thing cost us less than $300 together. We had a younger couple (who didn't have kids yet) from church watch the boys for us (then 1 1/2 and almost 5) while we were gone. It helped us get away and gave them no-cost birth control. :)

My favorite thing about the three days was the eye contact and finishing complete sentences. Isn't that crazy? But it really thrilled me. Because that was what we were both missing - full attention to the other and from the other.

The first day and a half was both of us working out re-focusing on to ourselves and each other and get over the dual feeling that this person we each know so well was also somewhat of a stranger. We didn't spend hardly any time talking about our relationship, actually, since we (like you and your husband) were already doing that. We just really vacationed. Walked around, took pictures, ate food without worrying about feeding anyone else, enjoyed sunshine, held hands. It felt weird, especially at first, but by the end it was more familiar and comfortable.

It's ok that your date nights aren't enjoyable, that's not a failure. Maybe you can just practice the little motions of learning to be alone together again. If you both can find the discipline to do those common things one or both of you miss -for us it was the complete sentences and make eye contact (not mooney eyes, even, just actually looking at each other while speaking even though 100 other things are going on) -then you don't even need to get away, but I guess I wasn't that disciplined until I got that jumpstart. Even now, 4 years later, I find there are those days when I get busy or distracted and realize I didn't actually say "Good morning" or that an hour has gone by and I've never actually seen his eyes. And when he starts to go and hasn't expressly said "Bye" or thrown a kiss at me I chase after him and get one. Hopefully in a non-insane manner!

I find it's true that my husband and I are better individuals, mates, and parents when we put our marriage before our parenting. But boy is that hard. The child is so much more overtly demanding than the mate so it seems more important, plus it's so much quicker to meet the demand! I found www.screamfree.com to be worth checking into for both marriage and parenting. And you don't need to buy their products to benefit from the website. It gave me some new things to consider.

Take care!
S.

I was wondering if you have tried to reconnect by doing things the two of you used to enjoy doing together. What made you fall in love with your husband in the first place, go back to that and try to focus on the things he used to do and still does that makes you feel good and special. Another thing that helps me when I start feeling down about my spouse is to do something for him that I think he will enjoy or I know he likes. I think it's my way of reaching out to him. Just keep trying. I wish the best for both of you.

Hi Jae,
My sister is going through the same thing and has temporarily moved in with my family. My husband and I have gone through our own ups and downs - but splitting up was never and option. My husband has always told me that "love is not a feeling, it is a choice". I've finally come to understand what he means by watching how he chooses to love me - even though I can get very mean when I'm stressed out. I've often felt he doesn't help out enough or I do all the work and he never has any sense of urgency and only reacts when I'm screaming. This is not to say - it isn't true; however, in my moments of sanity, I realize it is supposed to be exactly the way it is and when we get through it, it makes us stronger as husband and wife, as parents and as people.

My husband forwarded the following for me to email her - written by Byron, Katie. I hope it has some value for you. It's long so be prepared.

Staying in Your Own Business
I can find only three kinds of business in the universe:
mine, yours, and God’s. (For me, the word God means
“reality.” Reality is God, because it rules. Anything
that’s out of my control, your control, and everyone
else’s control, I call God’s business.)
Much of our stress comes from mentally living out
of our own business. When I think, “You need to get
a job, I want you to be happy, you should be on time,
you need to take better care of yourself,” I am in your
business. When I’m worried about earthquakes, floods,
war, or when I will die, I am in God’s business. If I
am mentally in your business or in God’s business,
the effect is separation. I noticed this early in 1986.
When I mentally went into my mother’s business,
for example, with a thought like “My mother should
understand me,” I immediately experienced a feeling
of loneliness. And I realized that every time in my life
that I had felt hurt or lonely, I had been in someone
else’s business.
If you are living your life and I am mentally living
your life, who is here living mine? We’re both over
there. Being mentally in your business keeps me from
being present in my own. I am separate from myself,
Byron Katie 8
wondering why my life doesn’t work.
To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is
to be out of my business. Even in the name of love,
it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety,
and fear. Do I know what’s right for myself ? That is
my only business. Let me work with that before I try
to solve your problems for you.
If you understand the three kinds of business
enough to stay in your own business, it could free your
life in a way that you can’t even imagine. The next time
you’re feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose
business you’re in mentally, and you may burst out
laughing! That question can bring you back to yourself.
And you may come to see that you’ve never really been
present, that you’ve been mentally living in other people’s
business all your life. Just to notice that you’re in
someone else’s business can bring you back to your
own wonderful self.
And if you practice it for a while, you may come to
see that you don’t have any business either and that
your life runs perfectly well on its own.
A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It is not
our thoughts but the attachment to our thoughts that
causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing
that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a
thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.
Most people think that they are what their thoughts
tell them they are. One day I noticed that I wasn’t
breathing — I was being breathed. Then I also
noticed, to my amazement, that I wasn’t thinking —
that I was actually being thought and that thinking
isn’t personal. Do you wake up in the morning and say
to yourself, “I think I won’t think today?” It’s too late:
You’re already thinking! Thoughts just appear. They
come out of nothing and go back to nothing, like
clouds moving across the empty sky. They come to
pass, not to stay. There is no harm in them until we
attach to them as if they were true.
No one has ever been able to control his thinking,
although people may tell the story of how they have.
I don’t let go of my thoughts — I meet them with
understanding. Then they let go of me.

An Excerpt from LovingWhat Is Meeting YourThoughts with
Understanding
Byron Katie 10
Thoughts are like the breeze or the leaves on the trees
or the raindrops falling. They appear like that,
and through inquiry we can make friends with them.
Would you argue with a raindrop? Raindrops aren’t
personal, and neither are thoughts. Once a painful
concept is met with understanding, the next time it
appears you may find it interesting. What used to be
the nightmare is now just interesting. The next time it
appears, you may find it funny. The next time, you may
not even notice it. This is the power of loving what is.

I am grateful for your ad. I am feeling the same way you are and I thought about coming here for advice but I was a little embarrassed. I thank all the moms (and so happy to see there were so many responses) who gave you advice. They also helped me. I feel I am experiencing depression and I feel I have had bouts of it on and off my whole life. I am going to talk with the doctor about it this week. I have found being a stay-at-home Mom to my 3 year old has been the most challenging. I was always the career-oriented type and I am basically very independent. My husband and I have went through many changes in our life as far as moving 5 times pretty much once every year, job changes, deaths in the family, him starting and having to close his own business, a miscarriage, he getting mugged at his business...so many things. We have been together 10 years, married for 6. I know I just need to focus on my daughter and find who I am again. I also know divorce is not the answer as I come from a broken home. I know that I will do whatever I have to do to make my marriage work. That is one thing I am grateful for... the experiences I had from living in a broken home. I also found that church has helped me alot (which I see alot of people recommended and it made me smile that there are so many Christians on this site:)). I have alot of support from friends and family now and we also too go on date nights once or twice a month. I really wish you well. I know this too shall pass. But I will include you in my prayers. T.

Jae R.,

Each of us learns to relate to others while growing up, especially when we are small. Only about 20% of us came into adulthood with a secure connector style of relating to others. The rest of us until we learn to change connect with others as one of the following styles: Avoiders, Pleasers, Vaccilators, Victims or Controllers. A person who worries as a parent may be a Pleaser. Milan and Kay Yerkovich have written How We Love. They allow their material from their newsletters to be forwarded. Below is a copy and paste of the Pleaser parenting style, the person who worries as a parent.

THE PLEASER AS A PARENT

"A quick review of the pleaser:

PLEASER

Parent
Fear based nurturing. Parent is overly protective to relieve their own anxiety. Or parent is angry, critical. Child manages parental anger or anxiety by being good.

Intimacy
Want connection to relieve anxiety about disapproval or rejection. May be fearful when alone. Gives and appeases to maintain connection. Burn out and resentment over time.

Expectations
Looks for opportunities to give and expects little in return.

Goals
Safety, Harmony. If others are happy, I can relax. If I keep others close and happy, I won't be abandoned.

Prominent Feeling
Anxious if apart or if others are critical, angry or rejecting. Worry. Anger, is undeveloped.

Triggers
Anxiety when others detach, want space, or give silent treatment. Interpret distance as a sign that others are angry or rejecting and efforts at giving or appeasing are not sufficient or successful.

Response: Pursues, tries harder, gives more, to calm own anxiety.

The Pleaser as a Parent

The desire of every pleaser is that everyone is happy and that includes the children.

Pleasers tend to do well with babies giving them lots of time and attention.

Since infancy is a time in development when a child needs a lot of soothing and holding this tends to be a good match for pleaser.

Worry is a nagging problem for most pleasers and they may seek and need a lot of assurance in their role as a parent.

Life as a parent becomes a little more difficult for the Pleaser when the child reaches
the age where they want to separate, say "NO!" and express their own desires and
opinions.

This starts anywhere from 12 months to the preschool years depending on the child's personality.

Pleasers often avoid conflict and disagreement that is part of family life.

They tend to minimize and placate difficult emotions in their kids Pleasers do not like anyone to be mad at them, even the kids, so they often lack of firm boundaries and at
times overindulge their kids.

They often depend on the other parent to be the disciplinarian and then criticize them for "being too hard."

Pleasers need to learn to tolerate the rejection they will feel at times from their kids as
they learn to be more firm.

Pleaser's have a difficult time allowing their children to feel frustration and stress that is a normal part of life.

They tend to protect and rescue rather than help a child learn to deal with difficult circumstances.

"Don't play with those mean kids," verses "Let's role play and practice some words you can say to kids when they are unkind".

Pleasers will be better at this as they learn themselves to be angry and set boundaries in their own adult relationships.

Life is stressful.

Children face many experiences of frustration, inadequacy, rejection, ridicule, and other painful feelings.

Pleasers, make it your goal to help you child learn to express and manage these feeling,
not get rid of them.

They are a part of life."

That was the Pleaser as parent.

Here is another style of relating. Avoiders often say, "I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom." From the Yerkovich's:

"The Avoider as a Parent

Here is a quick review of the Avoider

How they were Parented
Little to no comfort, nurturing. Parents value tasks, independence, performance. Message: You're fine, hurry up and grow up.

Intimacy
Don't want, don't need. Didn't receive enough to know what they are missing. Confused. What do you want from me? Rarely ask for help. Self-Parent. Little to no comfort, nurturing.

Expectations
Take care of myself and wish others would do the same. Rarely asks for help. Needs little.

Goals
Independence, self sufficiency. Shows love by doing tasks. If you don't want, you cannot be hurt or disappointed.

Prominent Feeling
Anxiety if others are emotional or needy. Otherwise flat, even. Anger if pushed to connect or deal with emotions. Most all feelings are underdeveloped.

Triggers
Criticism from others. Feelings of inadequacy when confronted with emotions, needs or complaints. Neediness in others is viewed with contempt. Unallowable in themselves so hard to tolerate in others.

Response:
Detaches, withdraws. Avoids eye contact. As an avoider I have a lot of mistakes I can share from my own parenting experience.

I did not understand these attachment styles until my older children were late elementary and Junior high.

Even of you are the parent of adult children you can foster some great conversations by learning and sharing what you see in retrospect.

Remember, these styles exist on a continuum, from mild to more extreme.

Some of what I share may fit, some may not.

Just take what is helpful."

The Avoider as a Parent

Babies and toddlers:
Often women who are avoiders feel overwhelmed with the birth of a baby.

Babies and toddlers are a bundle of feelings and needs and avoiders have minimized their own feelings and needs and often they find neediness in others difficult to tolerate.

Babies may be given more allowances but schedules and predictability may be overly emphasized while bonding, eye contact, playfulness and lots of holding may be more
difficult.

Avoider moms and dads may believe too much attention will spoil a baby and physical needs (feeding, bathing, changing, sleeping) may be the primary focus of time
and attention.

Since Avoiders have learned to be self sufficient, often at an early age, they may expect more from a child than is age appropriate and hurry a child into independence before they are ready.

Avoiders often say "I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom."

They may not understand the way they were parented makes it difficult to know what a child needs at what age and how to respond.

If I could go back and re-parent my kids as babies and toddlers I would:

Hold them more, sing, play and make eye contact that says "I'm glad you are here and I am with you." (Happy eyes).
I would let them have their blankets, pacifier, and comforting toys or animals as long as they wanted without encouraging them to give them up.
I would see an infant and toddler as little persons capable of amazing awareness and responsiveness and try and see their behavior as the only way they can communicate their feelings and needs.
I would tell them the words for their feelings before and after they learned to talk "I can see you are mad, sad, frustrated, tired, jealous, scared"....etc.
I would take their feelings more seriously remembering they are very small and vulnerable.
I would try as harder to understand their behavior rather than changing their behavior. (don't get me wrong, the stove is still a "ut oh, no no.")
I would expect regression as a normal part of development and a sign that my child may be stressed instead of feeling I was doing something wrong.
If my toddler was clingy and wanted me I would know that is a sign of healthy development not insecurity. They are suppose to want you a lot at this age and prefer you over other people. Some personalities need this more that other.
How about older kids?

I would ask myself what stressors are in my child's life when they go through a change in behavior.
I would realize even small kids are capable of deep conversations I would use the feeling words list once they could read.
I would allow (and encourage) a wide range of emotions.
I would try harder to learn the heart of my introverted child and pursue this one more. I would wait instead of interrupt knowing the introverted child has to think and process quietly before they can put words to things.
I would play more with my kids.
What helped me most to improve as a parent was to learn to know and express my own feelings and needs.

It is hard to help your child grow in an area of ones own deficiency.

The more I learned to do this the more I was comfortable with my kids expressing feelings and needs.

It sound simple but it takes time and hard work."

Milan & Kay (Yerkovich)

I hope this helps.

L. R.

Don't stop the counselling, it does help, and you my dear need it.
Your husband deserves better than what you are doing, a marriage is a commitment and when you have a child you do not just quit because he annoys you, what kind of commitment is that? Would you quit on your kid when he annoys you?, I dont think so. You need to be very grateful for having a husband who allows you, and provides enough for you to stay at home. My goodness I would be in heaven if I did not have to go to work and rush around like a mad woman each day.
I do understand how you feel however as my marriage has been through the worst time but we have stuck to it and decided that it was so stupid to be pissed off at each other each day and just looked at our kids and said no more!
I can tell you that our councelling helped to a certain degree but it was the two of us who changed and put each other first and we have fallen back in love with each other again and we are so happy. We still have moments but know how far we can go and just stop right there and say ok what does each other need?.
You my Dear need some time to yourself each day - go work out or do something that you love each day and get your act together for the sake of your family cause at the end of the day nothing else is as important.
You can do it, take care.
T. K

Let me try to get this straight. He's a good father and provider who does HOUSEWORK AND HELPS OUT. He is apparently doing well financially that you can afford to be a SAHM, and yet this mark irks you. You should immediately stop the counseling with the counselor you have if it's not working, but that doesn't mean counseling won't work. Oh, and he is in COUNSELING WITH YOU, OMG GIRL ARE YOU CRAZY?

I do not know what the underlying issues are but apparently, and from what you've written, you seem bored and unhappy with yourself because it seems the little things (THE THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER) are the ones that are setting you off.....In any good relationship their has to be a compromise, you two are very different individuals and I cannot understand why you would jeopordize what MOST WOMEN WOULD DIE FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP, but I am not you and although I empathize with what you may be going through, I'd also like to suggest that you look deep within yourself and really think about what you do have and when you can find it in yourself to appreciate what you HOPEFULLY STILL LOVE ABOUT THIS MAN, I'm pretty sure the positive focus will have positive results. I was in a 17 year relationship with the WRONG MAN! No not really, we both just changed, but I did learn one thing, we did not communicate after a while and the more negativity I brought to the relationship, the more negativity I got back from it.....You should seriously consider HOW FORTUNATE YOU REALLY ARE BOTH YOU AND YOUR BABY! And should it come to pass that you realize you are just not in love with this man, BE MATURE AND RESPECTFUL ENOUGH FOR NOT ONLY THE TIME YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER, BUT TO YOURSELF, THAT HE SHOULD BE ADORED AND APPRECIATED FOR WHAT HE HAS BEEN TO YOU.

And you girlfriend, you need to find a place within yourself to seriously consider what it is that is truly bothering you, could it be that you have given up who you once thought you'd be because you are now a full time mother? I cannot say, I can say this though, your life does not need to be this way, you have the tools to make it whatever you want. Maybe you should try counseling by yourself first so that you can determine what it is that is making you feel the way you do, or there's a really good counselor I've known for years and year and that's THE MIRROR, IT'S ALWAYS HONEST AND KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN ANYBODY POSSIBLY COULD, WHEN YOU ASK THE MIRROR A QUESTION, YOU WILL ONLY GET THE TRUTH.

I'm not here to judge you, far from that, I am here to support you my dear SISTER, sometimes from the outside looking in, we are able to consider other perspectives that would of otherwise gone unnoticed, this is what I've been able to consider based on your request.....If you ever need someone to come to, we are all here and although you may not always agree with what we have to say, rest assured you will get a wide array of opinions and A WHOLE BUNCH OF LOVE!

BE GOOD BE SAFE BE STRONG AND MOST IMPORTANTLY BE HAPPY!

I think that we as women need to realize that we will not always have that "in love" puppy love feeling with our husbands and the same goes for the husbands. Our ideas get so warped by the media and all the fairy tale movies. Love is a choice not always a feeling and yes it is exhausting sometimes, but that's life . Its so worth the work. Try not to put everything on your own shoulders. Its good that you have friends to spend time with . Although if they don't have husbands and haven't had a toddler, I don't think they can truly understand. Its so important to have a close relationship with another woman who has been through it or is going through it. On a personal note, I could have given up on my marraige a long time ago, but thankfully I didn't. Are things perfect now...NO, but they are better and my kids have benefited from having both parents at home and they know that marraige is work and that people don't always get along , but they if they work hard, they can get through anything. I have shown my husband lots of forgiveness and grace. If I were keeping score, I definitly have invested more time and energy and I would be the winner, but I'm not and now, there have been times my husband had to carry more of the weight of our relationship on him. Its good that you are going to counseling. Also I'm sure you are going through lots of changes ans are exhausted staying at home with a toddler. It gets better . Don't give up.
I have some friends who are in a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)group and they LOVE it because its a chance to be around alot of women going through the same thing. Women with kids 0-5yrs. are welcome and for a couple of hours your child has fun, is exposed to different things and you get time to be kid-free and release some tension. MOPS groups are everywhere and I think you can look online and find where the closest group to you would be.
I know that I've thrown alot out at you and I never even repond to anyone on this. I read your request and felt like I should respond. I will praying that God gives you the strength and direction that you need to get through this.
Have a great day! J.

Hang in their, about two years ago I just wanted my husband to drop of the face of the earth. I couldn't beleive I had married someone so stupid and mean. It got better for a while then last year he changed jobs, didn't get the new one going and didn't go back to the old one. (Which he owns) which means we lost all of our investment properties. I told myself when I loss my house I'm gone. I married for rich & poor, but not stupidity, and lossing everything because your to dump to work (his choice)doesn't count for poor. Anyway back to you. Dating is important it's what made you fall in love in the first place. Sex helps, be frisky try new things, go to the movies, park and make out afterwards. Get a sitter away from home and vacuum naked in front of him. Go for walks, talking is very important, not just about the days work but the things that are in your heart, about the things that bother you and how he can make them diffrent. I know they say dads like to come home from work and veg for awhile. But moms need that too. Talk to him about coming home and taking the kids for 15min. While you go walk around the block, then he has talked to the kids spent time with them,their happy and he can then have his 15min. or so to be by himself then both of you can talk about your day and be at better terms with each other.

Good Luck!

I believe it is completely normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse...even for long periods of time. There are a lot of pressures and stress in life. It is your's and your husband's responsibility to keep that love alive. Love is not this warm and fuzzy feeling that lasts throughout the years. LOVE IS A COMMITMENT! For better or for worse...and definitely for that child you have together. Reconnect with what drew you to him in the first place. Be creative and think "out of the box". Marriage before baby. If you put the child first all the time...then there will be no marriage. Plan a surprise date night and make it fun for the both of you. Let him have a voice and be the "MAN". So many of us women have a tendancy to run the show and and we want our men to follow along. We want them sensitive...but when they do, we're turned off in the end. Let him have a voice and an opinion. Let him be the "MAN". This will help with your attraction to him...I promise. Maybe you haven't really fallen out of love with him...maybe your just not in love with your life right now or even yourself. I know I've been there! Don't tell him you've fallen out of love with him. That's a deep scar your leaving on the marriage, that you can't ever take back. You committed to love him forever. Goodluck. Hope this helps... Sorry I'm a straight shooter and I can't sugar coat it when it comes to this issue. Turn the tables...sometimes that helps too. =)

Hi, I have had 9 children so I know what you mean. The first thing I would like to let you know through my experiences is that marriage is a covenant not a contract. In a contract if either side doesn't perform the contract can be cancelled. In a covenant one person covers the other or vise versa at all times. I would tell you to stay in counseling and maybe find a different one that would suit you better. I would also suggest, even if you don't feel in love to act it out anyways. After a while the feelings will come. Find one thing a day to compliment your husband on every single day. That may be hard at first but it is well worth it and it works. I have been through many ups and downs in my marriage but every one was worth the pain. Please don't give up. P.

Staying home to raise your child is not best if you're going nuts. People push the idea and so many people buy into the 'if you love your child you will stay at home mama thing" but I know far too many women who are sitting at home feeling out of sorts because they've chosen this 'honorable' thing but not everyone is the same. Some women are better cooks, better homemakers, better organized (and the list goes on) but some women also actually need intellectual stimulation (adult conversation) and many women who do stay home try to find that through other means (which is why so many of them are on many mothering boards). So, after staying home all day talking baby talk with the baby and your husband coming home from work just wanting to unwind and not entertain you, you are certain to feel disillusioned.

I say grab your child and do more activities outside of the home, go to museums, meet other mommie groups, have picnics, etc. Find some 'YOU' time so you feel more fulfilled. If none of that works, you might try, as some have suggested below, placing your child in daycare part-time, working or doing some volunteer work, exercising, etc, anything that makes you able to face the day.

The best mom for a kid is a happy mom, not just one who is home but feeling down. Do what you need to lift your spirits while also looking out for the needs of your child and husband. Then, at the end of the day, quiet days at home with the husband wont seem so humdrum or businesslike.

Wow, Jae, I have to tell you I could have written this letter myself! My children are now 7 and 4 1/2, but back in the days of breastfeeding around the clock, diaper changing, colic, etc., I was in your shoes girl! Right down to being a "wonderful team", my husband's a wonderful father, more helpful than most husbands I heard about at the time. My husband is more reserved than I am, I've always been the one to get issues out in the open, try to connect, keep things on track.
That first year of my son's life we went into counseling. It definitely helped to some degree, I'd say for us time was a greater help. Looking back, I had a really hard time adjusting to being a mom anyway, let alone a SAHM. It's a huge adjustment! I also had a pretty serious case of the baby blues, my hormones and emotions were all out of whack. I also took out my frustrations on my husband, I was always tired and didn't feel like I accomplished anything in a day (washing dishes, laundry, making the bed all took a backseat to my new little boy).

You are not alone in this, you are not a bad wife or mother for feeling this way. Just give yourself a break, realize that this time with your precious little baby is very brief, it really does get easier the bigger they get. Try to get some time alone to read a book, visit a friend, go to a movie with somebody. The date night is a great idea, but I have to say for myself, I didn't enjoy my dates either! It would take me so long to unwind and relax, and I always felt like, what's the point? We couldn't afford a babysitter that often, so it was few and far between those dates. How do you reconnect with somebody you are distanced from in only an hour or two? It's important to get time alone with your husband, but it's also important to give some time to yourself, do something you did before you had kids. Reconnect with the happy person you were before your child turned your world upside-down.
My husband and I have been back on track for about 4 1/2-5 years now. Marriage is a long road with somebody, filled with all sorts of ups and downs. Just have faith that in those times when you feel not as connected, or even out of love (been there! Hated that.), underneath it all you are still best friends. Give yourselves some time and some leeway to adjust to your new family life. You two are still "in there", there's just a lot going on right now. Try to focus on the things you've always loved him for. There were days that I just loved my husband for being the father that he is, that was all I could find to hang onto. You'll find your love again.
I'm so happy to have my children and my husband, that we've created our little family. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I wish it had been an easier adjustment for me and for him, but it wasn't. I learned a lot about us as a couple by having it be difficult. We are closer now than we've ever been.
Good luck, and blessings to you and your family.

Maybe you and your husband could try to work in a different place or in different shifts. The most crucial reason is that you two stay all day long together. That means that both of you don't really have own time to do what you like such as handing out with own good friend or engaging own interests and so on. Besides, we know human beings are social animals. Most of the people need to stay in social groups. However, sometimes we still need to take some time to stay alone, and enjoy the moment that you could feel yourself.

I'm a single mom of one and can tell you it's hard. But I will tell you this, me being without my ex was, is, and always will be one of the best decisions of my life. I realized many years ago that the fighting, arguing (whatever you want to call it) was only going to have a negative effect on my son. He's my priority now, not myself. So if you are both arguing, not finding anything you like about the other and not showing love than maybe it's time to part. I read that niether of you want a divorce but let me ask you this: When he wants to "make love" or have sex, do you feel repulsed by the thought? If so, I say "sure try going on dates with him, try finding what you once loved in him" BUT if you can't than I think it's time to call it quits for EVERYONE'S sake.
Please know this about me: I believe marriage should be forever, I come from a broken home myself and know the sadness of divorce. But, I also know this, seeing your parents argue is nothing a child should have to witness on a regular basis.
Follow your heart Jae.

I suggest reading first "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and then "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. That woman is amazing and has transformed my life. I think she will give you a whole new perspective on your approach to your marriage. Good luck! ~D.

Jae,
Do not give up! I know marriage is hard. ANd there have certainly been times when I have looked at my husband and asked what on earth I am doing with him. And I have a GREAT husband!!!
It is hard to stay at home. Takes a lot of energy and sacrifice. But the best thing you can do for your family, esp your child it to keep your marriage together!!! Children find so much security and love when they see their parents love each other.
Even though it may be hard, each day or night, find something special that you can do together. This has helped me to reconnect with my hubby when I am feeling distant. Sometimes we read a fun little book together on marriage or whatever and then we talk about it. Sometimes we play a game. We pray together - and that is crucial! Make love to your husband!!! Find ways that you can both meet each other's needs. There are some really great books that have great suggestions and they are Christian books so it won't be gross. One we just read was "Red Hot Monogamy" - totally recommend!!! If you need more ideas, please write me some more.

I will keep you in my prayers!
Sincerely,
B.

I have been where you are at now. The first year or two of my marriage was pure hell but because of our spiritual beliefs, that's the only thing that kept me in the marriage. Also I thought about the fact that if I leave, my daughter will be come the same product that I came from which was a single family home and keeping the family together was more important for my daughter than it was for my own happiness.

I say the first thing to do is take a break, you need to drop your baby off somewhere and just take some time for you. Go to the beach, get a facial, go to the movies by yourself, just have some me time. If you like to read or write, go and do that alone. It's so important to have time to yourself and do what makes you happy because this is what happens. You feel over worked and under appreciated.

I had a business like marriage for a while as well and it was ok but I found myself crying a lot because I was living with a man, married to that man, and we weren't together emotionally and it was very hard to live like that. You have to ask yourself what you expect out of this marriage and your husband and be realistic. Does your husband not know how to treat you or be with you? If not there are tons of books that you guys can either read together or separately that will help men understand how women want to be treated such as My five love languages, Teach me how to love you, and The purpose of marriage by Myles Munroe (title may be off a word or two, can't remember off hand) Most men don't really understand how hard it is to be a new mother with a baby who has their own agenda and to cater to him and to squeeze in time for you.

Good luck with your decision and I hope things get better for you. I think things will get better once you begin to do things for yourself and just calmly express to your husband your needs.

I could have written your entry; I went through the same thing and after a couple of years I was planning an exit strategy. I was tired of having a business partner and craved a partner I could laugh with and actually enjoy. When I took inventory-- really looked at myself, I was often left paralyzed with fear; fear that it was actually me I didn't enjoy, fear that I was projecting and my failing marriage was a symptom of my loss of interest, i.e. a slight depression. I'm not blaming myself, just stepping up, trying not to point fingers or turn a cold shoulder. Anyway, 2008, my mission started: wake the bleep up, be sure to be of sound mind. So I settled on a giving it a year. I practicing The Power of Now (Tolle) and found time for myself again-- yoga, breathing, sitting of the beach for the hell of it. I also decided to try and think him sexy, think him cool, think him funny, truly give it my all. If After a year I still don't feel the chemistry then I'll go from there. The best piece if advice I've ever read came from Pema Chodron and goes something like this: 'show yourself the same kind of compassion you show your own child.' And finally, from one of the greatest souls ever, "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be alright."

Wow I know just how you feel. Give it some time it gets easier as the baby gets older. I totally agree with the going out with friends you definately need to make time for youself being at home with your baby is great but in some ways it drains you of yourself the more mommy you are the less you you are. I know it sound weird but its how lots of moms feel including me. If you want to talk email me and we can exchange numbers.Onlly you know what's in your heart so regardless of what anyone advises you have to whats best for you.

I also went through this soame thing, but my little one was much much younger- around 6 months. What helped the most is talking to my husband about it. Then we decided that I needed "me" time. SO now I get one day a week that I can do what I want. Either I get out of the house for the day, or I can stay home and read, or clean, or what ever I want to do. That really helps alot. We also take a date night once or twice a month. My in-laws are a little more willing to help out(my parents have always been very happy willing to help out, but they live 4 hours away). I found the more help I recieved from others, the better I felt, and the more I wanted to have something to do with my husband. Asking for help and talking it out can be very difficult, but it has helped me so much. We are now expecting #2 (due in April), and we have talked about the different things that need to be done while he is on Paternity Leave, and before the baby comes, and all that we both need to be doing to make our relationship work.

Some advice I give all new parents is send the kids to a friend, or family member who is willing to take them for an entire night. Then treat the night as if it is your first date, or your wedding night. It helps so much just to be able to talk like you used to. If you can't take the entire night, then try it for an hour at a time, and work up to the entire night. (We went to Mandalay Bay for the night, with dinner at the Excaliber Dinner Show, games afterwards, and the next morning we went to the pool for several hours before checking out and picking up our little one-That was our first anniversary after the baby came, and that really changed everything for us!)

Hope this helps

I understand exactly how you feel i went through the same thing. i couldn't stand my husband and the argueing got worst. what my advice would be to you is to stick it out a little while more. Try to talk with your husband and come to some sort of understanding with eachother.Continue the counseling.The date nights are a great idea but didn't really work for me because I would be irritated after so many minutes with him. The worst mistake I did was ask for the seperation. Don't get me wrong i enjoyed the single life for a while.I'm young and I do a lot for myself.But as my son got older he wanted to be with his daddy and made me miss the family life. We were seperated for a year before I truely realized that I still loved him. We decided to work things out about 6 months ago and now the arguements are about what happened while we were seperated. We are working through it but it just unneccesary argueing that I wouldn't have otherwise gone through if we hadnt of seperated. Seperation only seems to bring in more problems into your relationship unless you are absolutely sure that you are done for good.

My advice-
Find a babysitter for 2 or three half-days a week and get yourself to the gym or volunteer your time somewhere. It sounds like you are really focusing on yourself and you need to disconnect from that. There are always ebb and flow periods in any relationship and you need to recognize that it's just one of those periods unless you want a divorce. My feeling from reading your posting is that that's not really what you want. Are your girlfriends pointing our your husbands's faults? Are they divorced or going through similar periods? If so, you need new friends that are focused on something positive. You can fall in and out of love. Concentrate on being kind to yourself and your husband and find another counselor since it seems like this one is a dud. I wish you the best. I have been married for 16 1/2 years- some years are better than others, but I wouldn't trade a thing!

Hi, I am sure I am late on this, but perhaps one of the best books ever, is the Five Love Languages. I don't know if someone submitted it or if you read it. It will revolutionize your marriage. Chapman is a Marriage Counselor and in my opinion has explained love at its best. He talks about all sorts of situations. Hope this helps.

Unfortunately I've been in your position recently and I can honestly say you will grow out of this because if you decide to leave or whatever you are thinking of you will regret it very much. Have you thought of seeing a Doctor? in my situation that helped because it was ME I was causing problems for myself and taking it out on my babies or my husband and from what I've read you seem vert lucky he helps you with your baby and helps around the house I'm lucky if I get one or the other and I have two babies under 2 It's very hard I know it but I've overcome everything and I know you will too. What helps me also is if I go take the kids to the park or even a store just to get out I feel alot better when I come home. Just stay positive and don't give up things will get better. Take care and God Bless.

Hate to give advice not knowing if its the right thing to say. If you lose him you will miss him. You really should keep trying. Some type of part time job if you can might make you feel better. Think of the kids and how you want them to grow up with both mom and dad around in the same house, ocasional family trips, outings. That might motivate you to get out of your rut. If your not doing anything for your self you will not feel good about your self which usaly leads to no feeling good about the ones closes to you. Get your hair done once a week. Or join an exercise class, that may work for you just to feel like you have more energy. But in the end do what makes you feel best. Just don't give up to soon.

I hope that helped a little.

Dear Jae, please go back in your heart & mind to the times where you started to unite soulforces with your husband and see again what it was , which made you become husband & wife. REMEMBER?!
There are always growing pains throughout life -
we evolve as human beings and as spiritual beings
and sometimes we are to close for comfort with eachother ...even with our most Beloved ....
take a deep breather and please think about this : are you really willing to separate for good ?
What if the same will happen in your next relationship ?
Oh please try to stay together .... why not visit the most healing place on earth - as far as I know - it is here : www.babajicalling.com ..... Mother India .... ever been there ?
Also HAWAi !! The Ho'oponopono-Healers & The Dolphins !
Please grab the baby and the Daddy and go to Hawai - if India is to far away .....
The Dolphins are waiting for you guys!!!!!!
Wishing You LOVE!
N.

It is good you are reaching out and wanting to fix it. You sound like you are spiritual so I will go out on a limb and highly suggest the two programs for you! They are amazing and have better results, even guaranteed over other traditional resources!

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

or Tony Robbins Ultimate Relationship program http://www.tonyrobbins.com/Solutions/ProductsDetail.aspx?...

good luck on your situation and i hope these resources can offer you some quick resolution!

I want to acknowledge you for taking steps to get advice about your marriage and sharing very personal information. It saddens me when I hear of couples falling out of love so I had to respond. I felt that way almost two years ago when me and my husband were going through problems so I could relate. I really took the time out to evaluate everything that I had fallen in love with and if I could picture myself without him and if I had given enough effort since staying in love is effort as well. I prayed about it often and then I got help from a life coach and she suggested some exercises. We did them and it really helped to mold our relationship. The exercises deal with getting your needs met which is really important. It sounds like you may be running on empty so you don't have much left to give. If it sounds like something you are interested in hearing more about let me know and I will share the exercises. I hope I can help.

     Having a baby is a blessing, and not a burden even if it is very hard for both of you. Come to think of it, there are millions of couples who are dying to have a baby, and there you are, saying as if the baby wrecked your marriage.      As mom and dad, certain adjustments should be made: emotionally, financially and physically. Priorities should also be considered. Each of you should realize that your baby did not ask you to be born, she was born out of your love for each other.     I hope this would wake you up before it's too late.

Hi Jae,

I went through a very similar situation with my husband two and a half years ago. At the time we had been married for six years and together for 9. We had one child who was 19 months old when this started. I remember my feelings of discontent sarting like a small breeze and turning into a tornadoin a matter of months. All the sudden I didn't want to even be around him. He was a good person, a good dad and a good husand but I had no connection with him and I was angry at him all the time. I knew that divorce was not a road I wanted to go down. How can you ivorce someone who is doing so much right? I felt that I was going to reisgn myself to a long horrible life without passion and feeling. I was in a sad desperate place.

It looks like you have recieved a lot of e-mails so I don't want to go on with mine if you feel you have had enough support. But if you are interested in heaaring the rest of my story feel free to write back. ____@____.com

Jae, I completely understand where you are at. I've been there, to some degree I am still there. Most of what is happening in our lives is normal, necessary and unavoidable. Some will only change through the counseling that you are currently "enjoying".

One thing that I am experiencing is a mild form of post partum depression. For me I need to do more than push past it. Sunlight exposure, getting out and about with my two kids as well as medication (now that the second is no longer nursing) is necessary. Please take a moment to think about if some of your emotions are outside your normal range. If they are you might look into finding out if you are experiencing a little post partum depression. Please, please know that I am NOT saying that you do have post partum or any other form of depression. Just, please think about it.

Hang in there. You need time to normalize your hormones and get you time. Your husband may be needing some of the same things. I know you aren't feeling interested in dating your husband but don't give it up. Your lives have been permanatly altered. You have had time to adjust to a new family. Give yourselves time to reclaim your relationship. Don't give up on your marriage. There was something about this man that made you want to marry and have a child with him. Those same things are probably still hiding in his personality somewhere.

Hang in there!!

EVERY WOMAN CAN RELATE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER...I SUGGEST A MARRAIGE RETREAT!!!! IT JUST DID WONDERS FOR US! ALSO START A YEARLY TRADITION THAT YOU TAKE 1 WEEK A YEAR(alone) FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY WEEK AND CELEBRATE EACHOTHER.....TAKE TURNS PLANNING YEAR TO YEAR.....AND EVERY YEAR A NEW DESTINATION YOUVE NEVER BEEN TO......BY THE END OF THE WEEK YOU REALLY KINDA FALL BACK IN LOVE...THATS PROBABLY THE ONLY REASON I M STILL MARRIED 20 YEARS LATER, IT GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO REMEMBER HOW IT ALL BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE....MUST READ "LOVE LANGUAGES"

I'm wondering if you may have some post-partum depression or a thyroid/hormonal imbalance, it's a good idea to see your Dr and get some tests run. God bless!

I was married 41 years when my husband died last year.

I would suggest that perhaps you and your husband find a way to enjoy doing things as a family that doesn't cost or strain the relationship. How about finding ways to play with the baby together at the same time. Put a large blanket on the floor, pull out some of the favorite toys that each of you once enjoyed as children and introduce them to your new little one. Another thing you can do is have a picnic at home with the baby. Find funny things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Also, just find a way to spend time in the same room together with the baby in a position to see both of you and enjoy the presence of each other. Perhaps you reading he's working on a deadline, or reading the newspaper or watching a game. Don't always make it about you need to pay attention to me, because I've been home all day.

While he is at work, you and the baby go window shopping, and you introduce him/her to things in the market, go to a resturant and introduce him/her to dining out and ordering.

Take pictures of your family at unexpected times, just because you want to capture the moment. Make funny faces with the baby and take pictures.

I once use to feel as you do until I came to realize that I was loved by my husband, he just didn't do it or show it the way I had built it up in my mind. But he always came home from work, he provided for us, he wanted us, he looked for us if we were not where he thought we should be. Remember out of all the women in the world he chose you to be his wife, helpmeet, mother of his child, to love, to get to learn all your little ways that only come with intimacy.

Hello sister,

I am sorry that the current state of your marriage is very distressing to both of you. Try asking yourself what makes you feel loved? For example, if your husband brings you a gift, or touches you, hugs you, praises you, prays for you, calls you from work every time he misses you, bringing you flowers, remembering your special days, touching your hair, smiling at you, etc.....

When God asks husbands to love their wives, it is because of our number one's need, that is to be loved in the way we feel love. My love langguage is to be hugged (to be touched) and it is so different than my husband. I try my best to fulfill my husband's love langguage and so does he in fulfilling mine.

I have been married for 24 years now and my children's age are 22, 20 and 18 years of age. The first ten years of our marriage, i just don't feel loved although my husband is very nice to me. He is so frustrated whenever i don't feel that i am loved after he has done all that he could to make me happy until i discover what my love langguage is.

There is a good book about the 5 language of love but i don't remember the title anymore. Please look it up in the internet.
God wants us to have abundant life and i know that you could have one as well.

Husband and children are God's special gift because they have a wife and a mother as special as you are.

Your needs are unique and special so try to discover that special part of you.

God bless you with His abundant Grace,

S.

Hi Jae,

Just wondering how long have you guys been together? married? I think you need just time. Some people in my opinion give up too easily when it comes to marriage. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and you should treat it as such and not give up too easily. Try to think of why you fell in love with him in the first place and try to rekindle those flames back up.

Your friends, are they single, married? They can be such a huge influence also.

Hi Jae, I know EXACTLY what you are going through, and unfortunately, there is no easy answer to your conflict. What worries me is that you confuse having a good time with your friends and having those "happy" moments with actually being happy inside. I recommend that you and your husband BOTH read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I know of many couples who have benefitted from it. I would also recommend that YOU read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I am loving this book. It just makes you look at things in a totally different perspective, than what we are used to. I have been married for 14 years this July, and I have also had my moments of unhappiness, but I have found that most of the time it is due to my personal inadequecies, shortfallings, baggage. Now when I find myself getting irritated about things, I stop and try to find the real source of my anger. Books like these have really helped me, and the wonderful women in my prayer group have helped as well. I hope this helped.

Hello Jae,
I'm a little older and have experienced the same things in my past. If I could do it over, I would have prayed more and stressed less. It's normal for you to feel overwhelmed during this time, but don't allow the enemy to attack your marriage. Pray and ask God to give you the grace you need to be a mommy and a wife. I know that He will help you. I'll pray also. Also, sometimes it's good to just meditate on the love that you had for your husband before this time and that will help you see him in a new light also. Be blessed!

You...my dear are depressed, I am surprised your counselor has not told you so, what is your husband's marital satifaction level? Where are your friends, you can email me privately if you like I am concerned about you more than your marriage.

I read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura and it did a world of good for me (and my husband).
Good luck, and don't give up!

Hi Jae;

I read the contents of your email. Sometimes in our life, there is a reason why we have those feeling. Imagine, we are only human and we have feelings and emotion to each other. Please don't be offended if I suggested you to go church and have a spiritual belief in god because everything that has happen to us, has alway has a reason for it. Please put aside your feeling of not liking him anymore, just think about how you two found each other and fell in love. If you're both and your child go to church and get involve with something, mayb this will clarify or help you analyzed your problem. Maybe this will help you be happy and content to each other if you two will go to church together and get involve in your church community together including your child. I've been married for 17 years and both of us are divorced and two children from previous marriages. Once thing I experienced, the children are the one who suffer when two parents separated and divorced. No matter how good parents are you both, still the children act like they're in fault why they parents are divorced or separated. Sometimes in life, you have to set aside yourself and feeling, try to go on and do your duty as a wife,mother of your child. Please continued the counseling because it will help you too and be humble at all times because it is hard to be with someone else that we don't really know him well until we get married and have a child. This post partum experience, sometimes affected us in our relationship because having a child is a big responsibility for both of you. You needed to plan thing together for the sake of raising your child. You will needed to raise your son together because if you wanted you child to be a good child, both of you will start planted a good seed so that you sow your seed later on in a good seed. Father and mother are very important role to our children, I tried and work hard when I was single with two children. Luckily, two of those adult children of mine went to a typical teenager life span and hormone but they seems to be okay now. Imagine my son when he was in 7th grader, he requested to moved away from me and wanted to lived with his dad in NY but I have the full custody of them. So I explained to my son that I can only allow him to go and lived with his dad in NY if his father will accepted the full responsibility of him providing shelter,food,clothing,sending him to school. Which my son went to turmoil but he never gives up because he wanted to know his own father, which I never said anything wrong about his father, which he found out what kind of father he has and move to a new life. He is studying his Video and Game Designer in NY and he still have one more year then he was planning to come back home with me which I am delighted to try to help him find a job here in California. The steady environment at home is a very important to a child that are growing up. Please set aside your differences to each other and think about the child that two of you created here in this earth. Maybe spiritual belief is luck in your life. I believed in god because I finally accepted him and help me guided my life. I have two children with my husband now, our marriage is not perfect either but I realized I don't want my two children that we created in this world to suffer. Sometimes as a woman point of view, we have to be strong,understanding,planner,head of our household because our husband is a provider to our family. I think the romance,spark in your marriage is going down to a certain level, please salvage your marriage and always think about the good things that you have in your life right now. Think about other woman, family,married couple that also suffering. Please count your blessing at all time because when you wake up in the morning, the sun is up and bright. You have shelter,food,clothing,husband,child,etc., but look around you and all over the world especially the woman and children in South Afric and other parts of the world, they're suffering and dying of food,shelter,good life that we have here in america. Do something in your church and get involve and you will feel better of yourself, then talk to your husband in a nice way, try to get back together again and talk to him heart to heart. Let him know that you still love him and care about him that you wanted to go on your marriage. The communications to each other is a very powerful message to us, be gentle to him and you have to let your husband know the way how you feel so that he will understand you also. That's why we have man and woman so that we could learn how to get along to each other and produce children in a wonderful earth that we lived in. Please be more flexible in your life and thinking, don't rush thing too quickly because your child, will be the one who will suffer with you guys decision. Love one another especially your precious child. Imagine lot of woman wanted to have a child but they can't have a child and willing to pay thousand of dollars just to have a child. Having a child is a blessing for both of you, so please treasure your your blessing and love,give a child attention,guide and protect him/her in this kind of environment that we lived in. I hope if you open up your heart, your husband will open up his heart also to you. You will see the difference if both of you will try your best to work hard on this marraige relationship because it is not easy to be married with some else that you don't know it well. Everything that we do in this earth is a challenge and that's why we needed to have a good solid foundation of spiritual experience in life. Please try and see what will happen. When you surrender yourself to god, your problem will be smoothly solve without you knowing. I have problems too, everyone of us in this earth has a problem and it is a trial to us how we believe with him. Good luck Jae and may god bless you,help you with your marriage. Please keep me posted and let me know if you still wanted to ask questions, I will delighted to share you my experiences and ideas.

Regards,
A.

Hi Jae,
You may want to consult your counselor or MD for some blood work, and to talk about depression. You seem to have some of the symptoms. Could you bring it up in your next session and see if you can be very honest with your spouse, he probably sees it and doesn't know what to do either. Good luck!
D.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"

Jae,

Having a child can tear a marriage apart. My dh and I almost didn't survive having our first child. Close to 5 years later we are pretty happy (and have a second child). We still have issues but things are a lot better. One thing that helped me was reading a book called "The Five Love Languages." It is about how people give and receive love and why different people need different things to feel loved. You can love someone intensely but they may not "feel" it if you aren't telling them in their love language. One reason it helped is because it helped me identify (and accept) the things I needed in my relationship and it made me more proactive in seeking those things out from my husband. It has also made me much more willing to give my husband what he needs so he's more willing to give me what I need.

I can say, the grass isn't always greener. If you've otherwise got a good relationship than I'd say it is worth working on and saving. I don't want to be divorced, I don't want my children to grow up as step-children, I don't want to be single, I don't want to date (trade one set of issues for another!). My family is important to me and my husband is an important/critical part of my family. It isn't always easy and it isn't always good, but we are still a family.

I think it is normal to fall in and out of love with your partner throughout your relationship. My boss's dad was a minister and he told her that to make a marriage work you have to stay married long enough to fall in love again. He has a point. Life can be really stressful. It won't necessarily be better if you are single. It may just suck in different ways.

I also think you sound depressed. If you are, that could be having a huge impact on your relationship and your ability to be present in your marriage. You should talk to your doctor. Depression is real. It is a physical, medical condition and if you are depressed, there is lots they can do to help. There is absolutely no shame in seeking treatment. Your entire family could benefit. I suffered from a lot of anxiety after my first child was born and things really improved even in my relationship with my husband once I addressed my anxiety issues.

I hope you find the peace you seek,
T.

I so hear the struggle you're having. My husband and I have been through the same valley more than once. Personally there have been times when I've actually told him that I wanted a divorce because I was so annoyed and just couldn't stand it for one more minute. But in my heart I love my family and love keeping it a family with a mom and dad, so I've done what I could to work through our challenges.

The biggest realization came last year when both of us realized that lack of sleep was the biggest culprit in our not getting along. We have a younger son who will be 2 in April, and he still doesn't sleep well. He was 15 months before he slept through the night. Now we take turns sleeping in the spare bedroom in order to get a full night of sleep, and man that made a HUGE difference. At least we stopped arguing.

And I agree what others have said about talking. You have to talk from your heart. You have to express to him what you expressed to us. Tell him this is how you FEEL. It may not be reality in his eyes, but it's how you FEEL about the situation. My husband and I just had a heart-to-heart like this last week, and I even told him if it wasn't for the kids I would divorce him in a heartbeat. That woke him up and me up. Him because he realized I was unhappy, and me because after I said it, I realized I didn't mean it. The energy shifted in our relationship after that, and some of that old loving feeling crept back in.

I think what you're going through is very typical, so try to have heart and keep going forward. Follow your heart. It will lead you in the right direction.
Take care,
B.

Find a sitter several times a week, leave the house, have fun relieve the pressure of the one-on-one with the child, or get dad to take the kid out on weekends so you can sleep in the afternoons. Exausting yourself is probably a lot of the problem, you have nothing left to give your relationship, so rest up and keep trying. Sometimes a mom has to give way more thatn 50%. You might be a candidate to consider not having more children, talk about stress and multi tasking, so much more tiring and demanding. I have no idea what a SAHM is, sorry.
Regards, E. H

Hi Jae,

It sounds like you have a great husband and baby and I applaud you for seeking advice and going to counseling. Everyday, as negative thoughts enter your mind about your husband's shortcomings, remember something you used to or still love about him! Claim that into your mind. Keep a journal so even if all you can write right now is that he took out the trash, make that be the positive that you are focusing on. Write to yourself all of the things you have in your life that you are grateful for. Even the SAHM, how great is that? Even while it may overwhelm you at times, most moms nowadays have no choice. Start small with little thanksgivings. When the bad thought come in, claim a scripture verse or a saying that captures your positive thinking. Get control of your mind and you will be transformed in all aspects of your life. I'm not sure if you are a believer in God, but you can go to www.air1.com and get the verse of the day. God's word is alive and it will strengthen you if you let it. Most of all, if you aren't being sidetracked with all the negative thoughts, you will feel great! Your husband will notice and before you know it your marriage will be back on track! Also try www.family.org/marriage

I will be praying for you.
M.

I totally know where you are coming from. I started getting very irritated with everything my husband did (or did not do). Holding down the house and raising a child by yourself is hard (my husband works a lot and basically only sees our son mornings and weekends). Our son is now in Daycare 4 hrs every morning. I am a totally different person. My patience level is so high now. I have time to do all my household stuff in peace, shopping that requires no child, a nap if need be, and I've started working out 3 times a week. The working out made a huge difference. It was something just for me. I also go out about once a week to once every two weeks alone with my friends as does my husband. We both need a break sometimes. Our date nights are less because we don't have an evening babysitter readily at hand except for myself or him. Instead we rent a movie, make some popcorn or order some pizza, have a glass of wine, after we put our boy to bed. We leave everything that needs to be done to the next day that night and we just sit on our couch. Hell, sometimes we only watch CSI and crash at 930 but it works. We do that at least once a week. I don't think you need to go out with your husband to enjoy his company (although it is nice). Really, it sounds like you need some you time during the day. If daycare isn't possible, do a trade with a friend who has a kid as well. You guys take turns taking each others kid a couple of hours each week.

There is a great book I just read: "Babyproofing your marriage", that talks about what you are experiencing. I highly recommend it. Just a consolation, what you are going through is quite natural. There is not a whole lot of energy left to invest in romance or your partner. Don't judge your relationship by the early childhood raising years. It will change again.
Good luck

Hi. I just want to encourage you that it's good to be honest with how you're feeling and not to deny yourself. How long have you been married? As my husband and I approached 7 years we heard from somewhere that it marked the end of the "honeymoon phase" of marriage and was more the beginning of really having to work hard at maintaining our relationship and really protecting it. One thing we try to do is to just make time (just a minute a day) to just kiss. Sometimes we don't feel like it or feel like we don't have time, but when we do do it, we feel closer. Getting space away from our kids is really important too. At first we had a hard time even finding things to talk about because our kids seemed all-consuming. I got some good ideas of conversation starters on http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/question.html
I hope that this might be useful. I don't know you but I hear your sadness and hopelessness. Don't lose hope. Try to give those things that bother you about him to God. I have a brother in law and sister in law who are just starting the divorce process and it's heart breaking. I am praying for you today that God will give you patience, renewed passion and hope and love for your husband.
Love,
E.

I am in the exsact same place. We have been married 11 years and have a 2 year old. We are going to start counciling too. I dont think it is PPD. I think it is just the lifestyle change that is overnight. We had alot of years together to be comfy and lazy. Now we have a little person who yells at us and bosses us around. Man the last thing i feel like dealing with at the end of the day is my husband. I cant even deal with myself. Thanks for helping me feel normal. GOod luck!!!

Jae. I wish I had a quick solution for you or could give you advice from a spiritual point of view.I am Christian, but I dont want to offend you. So what I am going to do, is tell you a little about myself. Sometimes when we see ourselfs outside of our situation and in someone elses shoes, we tend to appreciate what we have.

I am 28 years old, I have a son who is 9 years old (from a previous relationship) and a 7 month old from my current husband. I work about 60 hours a week, including some Saturdays. My husband is self employed and makes his own schedule and makes a decent income. I work from 8:30am to 5:30, then pick up the baby from the babysitters about 10 miles away, come back home and cook dinner, do a load of laundry, clean up (I am a clean freak). The baby is not a good sleeper, she sleeps late wakes up twice in the evening. I have not had more than 4 hours of sleep a night continuosly and I have to get up in the morning and make my son Bfast, leave the baby a bottle, because my husband feels that since he takes her to daycare, he does NOT need to make her a bottle. He does not help me at all. He complains about driving her to the babysitters, even though he stays in bed in the morning, when I go to work. He DOES not help me at all. He will not even watch her when I go to the grocery store and he is home watching tv. He books his jobs late so he does not have to be home in the evening and help me but when he gets home he wants dinner and sex. He complains if we dont have sex in the evening and the morning. I am his secretary ( I do the paperwork,invoicing for his buss)I get him referral sources for work, I manage all the finances in the house, I take care of the house COMPLETELY. He pays for Daycare $600 a month, and gives me $1,500 for mortgage when mortgage is $2,700. I make a decent income so thank god, I cover all of the other bills and I am left with nothing. He pays child support for his other children with 2 other women and complains to me about the money he gives me. I buy his clothes. He at least pays for dinner or our outings. I go to bed at 12:00am sometimes 1 and have to be up 6:30 7:00am to do it all over again. I dont sleep in on the weekends because the baby does not sleep in. He does sleep in during the week if he does not have jobs, he hangs out with his friends.Even if he is home he will NOT even take out the trash. He gives me a hard time because I go to church on Sundays or for a couple of hours on Tuesdays. I DO NOT go out with friends or socialize outside of my family. I am in a very exhausting, sometimes depressing, difficult situation. Oh, wait there is more he told me that his buss and making money is more important than my feelings, they come last. When we argue he insults me and overpowers me to bring me down. He does not beat me but he sure does SUCK the life out of me! He is moody and MEAN,you never know what mood he is in or what will set him off!NO matter what, I have to be a happy, loving mom to my children, i owe them that.

Whatever you can do to make your marriage work, do it, DONT GIVE UP. Your husband does not sound so bad, or at least he is no where near mine. Pray, for guidance, for strenght, for those feelings that you once had in your heart for your husband, that got you that sweet baby to come back! Family is very important, separation is easy. I really wish you and your family the best. I apologize for my long message.

Hi there,

I see that you have many responses to your posting, probably because it is such a common problem. I too feel the same way. I really don't have any advice, although you are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel that my husband and I have disconnected. He loves our son, but I don't know if he loves me anymore. He is always on edge, and seems to be so critical about everything I do. He will not go to counseling, so I go on my own. I was wondering if you would mind letting me know what some of the suggestions were in the responses that you received. Thanks!

Hello Jae,
Have you read the "Power of the Praying Wife" by Stormie Orman? Good Stuff!
It sounds like to me that you both are having a little trouble adjusting to Parenthood - Join the Team!:) It is a wonderful, and difficult change that takes place. My husband was still partying like a rock star and I was home with the baby - believe me He could not do anything right. We almost separated, but then I was pregnant again. When the kids were 3 and 4 - I was done...! ( I suffered with PPD for two years before I got help. It turns out that my body quit making seritonian.) It would be a good idea to have a female doctor check you out- tell her everything you are feeling. It may be as simple as some medication. Remember "Love" is a Verb therefore it is an action, not a feeling. What did you both enjoy all those years together before the baby? Why did you fall in love with him in the first place?
Remember to "Love" yourself - do things that you enjoy, even if he doesn't. What do you like to do? Hike? the baby can go with you and ask your Moms to go too. Scrapbooking? the baby will be fine with Dad for a few hours while you go with friends and make a family album. Do you like to Sing or Dance - check out your local Parks and Recreation Catalog - a lot of fun things to do!
...We made some changes together, changed our priorities and began to see after God first.
Now I have a healthy happy life and my husband doesn't bug me anymore. The kids are 12 and 14 and We are celebrating our 15th this year.
I will pray for you. Seek First the Kingdom of God...Seek wise counsel! For the sake of your baby, don't quit!
50% of Marriages end in Divorce, Why? Because the spouse expects the other spouse to make them "Happy"! Joy is from the Lord! Good Luck and God Bless!

You know... a woman's body goes through so much after having a baby, and it can take a long time to get everything back in balance....

That being said, one of the things that helped me was making sure I got some "me time" so I could re-charge. I also had to make the conscious decision to think positive things about my husband.

The feeling of love comes and goes and can't be relied on, but the action of love is what remains. :)

Please email me if you would like to talk more. I would love to chat with you. :) I will be praying for ya.

hi Jae,
I have never responded to a post before but I guess I really feel like I might have some info that could help you and your family.
Do you ever listen to Dr. Laura? She has an am radio program and is a huge advocate for familys and us SAHMs. She has a couple of books about marriage and I hear women call in everyday thanking her books for saving their marriage. I have one and her advice really helps me in doing my job as wife and mother. Her philosophy is all about owning your power in your relationship. sort of the 'if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy' thing but much more involved. Your comment about how "I have always been the one to keep the marrigae running smoothly, and now I'm just tired" really sounds like her philosophy could help you guys. You are the wife, you are the caretaker, you are responsible for the health and well-being of those you love the most and your life has been thrown for a loop with the addition of your little one. If things have changed and you cannot do the "caretaking" of your marriage that you always did, it is understandable that things have changed. And if it has changed for you it has probably changed fr him, which would make him act differently too.
Please check out www.drlaura.com or get one of her books. She has 2 specifically about marriage, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" you can get them in hardcopy or on Itunes. Have your husband look at them and give you feedback if your not sure of her. Please do this, you must really be hurting and there are help and answers out there, it is in your power to get your marriage on the right track. It could be better next week!
Let me know if you have any questions or just want some feedback.
S.

I also recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It helped me to take control of the things that i CAN control, and let go of the things that I cannot control. Also, it helps me to understand men much better - they are really quite simple.

Don't give up - your child deserves BOTH parents who have a healthy relationship. You can make it work.

Book: Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin Smith

and

Whatever you do, do not stay for the Child. If your child witnesses you living an unhappy life in an unhappy marriage they will grow up to repeat it. They need to see what a loving relationship looks like and what loving yourself looks like.

Hi!
I have been there and know as much as I can about how you are feeling. Of course, I can't be completely aware, I am not you! BUT, I had very similar circumstances and feelings.
I have been married 16 years and have 3 grown daughters. I was not having problems at all after the girls were born, but after they all moved out! Ugh, the worst ever!
Anyway, I am certain you have gotten a ton of response so all I wonder is what you do for yourself? Anything to just take care of YOU? That was part of my solution; finding a few enjoyable things for ME! It may sound selfish, and I was always raised to do "for others", so it was difficult to change my way of thinking. I was always last on my list. I took up tennis, started photography and really began focusing on a more positive way of thinking. It helped.It took time, even a few years for the feelings for my hubby to rekindle, but they did. I just walked through it, held on, and am very happy I did. It was just time that helped as well.
I recall the difficulty in adjusting to having a baby in our relationship. Actually, it was my husband who had difficulty. He was always first, and once the girls arrived, he took a back seat! I was wrong to not keep him on top of my list too! I think before you start moving forward with "date nights", first you should get your own needs taken care of. If you don't take care of yourself, you are not good to take care of anyone else, including babies! Your baby can sense the problems between you and your husband too. I also feel and learned by experience that you can analyze "too much". Stop talking so much now, you know the problems, and just enjoy what you have! Focus on the good things and don't discuss, DO! Explore parenthood together, think of the great child you produced and the good in your husband. Try to just hang in there, as I know, it will work out, if you just "walk the path" and DONT GIVE UP...time is a great healer!
Good luck!

Keep going on dates. I'm sure that both of you are a little out of practice at having a good date. I know that it sounds silly- but go consistently and you'll remember how to do it.

I feel for you because i had the same feelings during the early years with my child. I felt alone except when i was around my friends. My husband was always at school or out with his friends and i became very bitter because i felt like i was being tugged from every angle. I was constantly arguing with my husband about everything and i was very short fused. Out relationship was bad. We tried counseling and i quit because i became too angry and felt it would never work. I too feel like we are now just staying together for our child's sake because it would destroy our child's emotions to see us break up. I still feel I do most of the household work including child rearing. Not everything is fair in life, we just have to make the best of it for ou children's sake. Just do something outside of the relationship that makes you happy!
That is what i'm doing. I started to hang out with my friends more and going to concerts. My husband is a total bore and hardly likes to socialize. I am a social butterfly! I don't know how much longer we will stay together but, we can at least try to make ourselves happy while if in a loveless relationship. I probably won't leave this relationship anytime soon. Try going to church. I recently started and it has helped me cope with a trying relationship.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it's very hard. Has your counselor talked to you about postpartum depression? Have you talked to your OB? This sounds very classic to me. And there IS help. So many of us have been there. I experienced this with both of my babies. But the second time around I got help right away. Makes a big difference. Stick with the counseling and call your OB right away. I wish you the very best. I know you are in a very sad place. I know it can be different. Hormones are very powerful little agents that can turn our world upside down.
B

You must read the 5 Love Languages or it's the 5 Languages of Love. It will help so much more than you can even imagine. It has saved my marriage! It talks about how we all have different ways of feeling love and it will help you find yours and your husbands. Don't wait get it today!!!!!!

Dear Jae,

I don't know what issues there are between you and your husband or if the issue is just your lack of feeling for eachother but I would recommend serveral books on the subject of marraige that may help.

One is "The Five Love Languages" this book was so essential to helping my husband and I understand eachother and communicate our love in a way that the other could truly feel and understand, it has lots of true accounts, one of which might personally ring true with you.

"The DNA of Relationships" by Gary Smally has some helful tips about understanding conflict and helping get out of "stuck" communication patterns.

"Affair Proof Your Marriage" has some insights as to why we fall in and out of love in the first place and ways to get on track by assessing eachother's needs with some really insightful quizes.

Finally, Have you ever heard the phrase, "Let go and let God."? It may sound trite but it is something that has worked wonders in my life and marriage. "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian is how to manual to do just what I'm talking about. Another girl friend just told me how the principle in this book is helping her in her marriage too.

Hope that helps.

S. M.

Hi Jae,

It sounds like you and your husband still love each other. I don't know if you have a personal relationship with Christ, but I know that if nothing else works give God a try at the last resort. He is the glue to keep marriages together when all else fails. I speak from personal experience. Get on your knees in a quiet room and just tell God what is on your mind even if you are angry let him know how you are feeling and what you need help with and he will show you the way. I don't think you will be disappointed. :-) And if you don't have a personal relationship with God, maybe this paticular period in your life is what God is using to get your attention. I know you still love your husband and want things to get better between the two of you so you and your husband can enjoy the joys of family as God has intended for all of us to enjoy. I hope this will help. I will be praying for you both. G.

I really strongly suggest you have yourself checked for depression... I was in denial for a long time, and while my marriage ended anyway, I am so happy I got the help I needed with medication and counseling.

If you are adamant about not going that route, maybe you need to arrange a 'mini-vacation' for yourself(yes, I read your post). Pump some breastmilk, or use formula and let hubby take the baby for the weekend. Head out of town by yourself. Give yourself some time to rest and unwind. You may find that you are more tired than you thought, and that a few days of quiet help you recharge and see things in a new light.

You really owe it to your child to put as much effort as you can muster into fixing things if they can be fixed. Take some time and think about what's really getting you down, and what you can do (if anything) to remedy it.

It doesn't sound like you hate your husband or your life, so I would do what you can to save it.

All marriages have their ups and downs...don't give up too soon. Maybe you are trying too hard. Try just enjoying your child for awhile and the magic will come back. Also, get into a good MOPS group for support and nourishment. I thought my marriage was over at 10 years, when we had our 3rd and 4th kids and no magic at all between hubby and I. We had lots of bills and pressure. June will be 19 years! We survived, still have bills and pressures at times, but we still have each other and love each other!

Try reading "Grown Up Marriage" or "Necessary Losses." It will help you understand stages of marriages and having reasonable expectations from relationships. From your words, my guess is that you are young (under 30), demanding, and impatient. Im sure you have many positive attributes as well. If I am correct, you might want to consider personal counseling, otherwise you will divorce this man, marry the next, and divorce the next... the moment he stops giving you exactly what you want. And if your parents were divorced, then you know first hand how hard it can be for the kids. Good luck!

Jae~
Where do you live? I know a great marriage and family councelor. She has sessions with couples and she also has women only groups.
I know what you are going through. After I had my kids, I felt that my husband only looked at me as a mother and not as a wife, lover, or friend. Remember that you have to nurture your relationship just like you nurture your child. Date nights are a great idea. They help you reconnect as a couple again. Do something that you enjoyed doing before you had a baby. It brings back good memories and creates new ones. Talk to your husband about your feelings. He may have no idea that you feel this way. Open communication is key to a good relationship. We all go through different emotions and feelings after we have kids. It's normal. Being a wife and mother is very hard work and very stressful, but it can also be very rewarding. Keep at it. It will all work out!!

Hi Jae~

You sound so much like me right now. I have a 3 and a 5 year old though but my marriage seems like we've gotten into a business relationship too. I married a man who was very comforting to me while I was working but after I became a SAHM, I needed more interaction from my spouse. This is where I learned very quickly that he is a very quiet and introverted person and could never be the one to comfort me in the way I need comfort. I respect him very much but I don't feel the love emotions I used to for him. It's very hard and depressing for me at times. I've tried hard to keep a happy attitude since I'm not being abused in any physical way. My boys are very happy children too so I try to focus on that. We have not seen a counselor but I've suggested it many times. My husband seems to think we can talk out our problems. So we try. I feel like we are just spinning wheels though. We talk about the same issues over and over with no resolution in sight.

I've heard of depression lasting quite a while after babies are born. I think in my experience the first years with a new baby are the hardest. Really the hardest. Also we had our boys 2 years apart so we've had a hard relationship for a while. It is important to think back to what attracted you in the first place and try to focus on that. It might sound cliche, but I believe it's true. Also doing things as a family is important so maybe if the date nights aren't working, how about family days? A little family time might be able to bond you and your husband together around baby experiences?? I'm not sure if you'd like that or not but anything that can create memories or experiences of togetherness for you and your husband will help.

Hang in there, keep praying and seek guidance from true believers. There are so many wordly believers out there who will steer you toward separation because of your unhappiness but truly God wants marriages to stay together.

HTH

K.

I, too went through a similar "phase"(for lack of a better word) when my daughter was about the same age. We seperated for 18 months and eventually reconciled. Looking back I feel it was post-partum depression. I went through this again with my second daughter 7 years later but I recognized the feelings and went to my doctor. He diagnosed me with depression and put me on Paxil. It worked wonders and I felt great about my husband again. We are doing great and have been together for 27 years and I'm still crazy about him. Please check with your doctor, it may be medical. God bless.

Hi Jae,
I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a low in your marriage. I think you are trying to do all the right things, counceling, date nights, etc.. I think the biggest thing we face as sahm's is that we are submurged in our problems and look to see things change over night. It took 16 months to get to this stage, maybe you need to give yourself and your husband a little grace and compassion to get out of this stage and into another. Life is full of seasons. some are cold and hard, some are just mild and boring and some are sunshiney and warm. The hardest part of any season is living in it...but that is the good news, it never stays..it is only a season and I believe it will pass. Some times as wives and spouses we need to put on our sleuth glasses and look for those wonderful qualitys that attracted us to our men. They may seem hidden at the time, however with a little detective work I think you will find at least 1 wonderful quality about your husband that made you say "I Do". We all were happy hopeful in love brides at one point:) and you had to do something "intimate" to get your baby, sooo maybe a little walk down memory lane will help you during this season in time:)

You sound depressed. You are looking at your husband as the problem. Take the counseling seriously. Get back to your religious background and pray for help in making a difference.
Things would be 100 percent worse for you if you were divorced. Not to mention your children. Thank your husband every day that you can be a stay at home mom, you sure wouldn't be if you left. Spend the time with your family that your taking with your friends. What interested you in the first place with your husband has changed some what because you have. Reflect back to the sweet things you did for him early on that he really appreciated, do it now! Do it today!

Think back of why you fell in love with him in the first place. Maybe it's just burried under all of your new responsibilities. Children are a huge change in a marriage. Our roles are redefined. Try to keep life simple....it's hard no matter what. Don't throw in the towel too quickly. We all have to work at it daily. I wish you the best!

I am 53 year old, extememly happily married, and the mother of two and grandmother of 4.

Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? Or bought any of her books? She tells you to treat your husband like you love him and like he's king even if you aren't feeling that way. If you do he will reciprocate. Love is something you have to work at. I agree with Dr. Laura. I am Christian and the Bible has all my answers. Jesus tells us the same as Dr. Laura, but in other words. My own daughter went through something similar to what you are. She is living a Christian marriage and doing as I just outlined. It is working for her.

Buy Dr. Laura's book. Even better, read the Bible.

I'll pray for you. God bless you.

Post partum depression is real, and it varies from woman to woman how long it lasts. Before taking any action, I would first want to be certain that post partum is not the main culprit. The baby is 16 months old, so you should be able to rule that out fairly soon if things don't improve.

I can identify with all of the feelings expressed, on both sides of the equation. The question of what to do is a personal one, depending on what you can endure, what you value, and how important certain elements of a relationship are. It is important to recognize that in my experience all relationships have ebb and flow, dead zones and valleys, and the key is weathering the periods when the passion burns away and you discover what's really there.

Depending on the length of the relationship, I am better equipped to fairly evaluate whether it's just a valley or whether the thrill is really gone. When the thrill is gone, it is still possible to maintain a bussiness-like relationship,,,the question is how long, and at what cost. That is strictly a personal question for each individual to decide for themselves. I can tell you that if you want to be content and endure the business-like relationship, do not let your passion get ignited by true love. When that happens your life course will decide itself.

I think you should read the book The proper care and feeding of marriages by Dr. Laura. It has helped me.

www.marriagebuilders.com -- GREAT site for all marriages and relationships, even if you're not having issues. It saved our marriage 5 years ago. :) Good luck!

Hi, Jae R,

I could not have expressed more eloquently how I feel! You are not alone in experiencing what you are experiencing. Several of my friends have gone through what you described. I am a 42-year-old mother of a 19-month-old and a 5-month old. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2 years. I am suffering major depression, partly as a result of my marriage not going well and partly as a result of old relationship issues (related to my first boyfriend, who I dated for many years and left me many years ago) not being resolved. Based on my experience dealing with dysthymia (chronic mild depression) and a few bouts of major depression over the last 25 years and what I've learned as a psychology student, I do not think that I am experiencing post-partum depression. I would feel more hopeful about recovering from depression if it were post-partum depression.

My husband, too, helps me with domestic tasks (when he is not away on music tours) and does not understand why I am depressed. He feels offended by me being depressed. (He says that my depression makes him feel unappreciated--even though several times a day I thank him for doing things.) We rarely touch each other (have sex, kiss each other, hold hands) or say "I love you." (I don't recall when I last said that.) I don't think that we are sexually attracted to each other, are in love with each other, love each other, like each other, respect each other, or even understand each other. I am working on just being courteous to my husband. This probably sounds pathetic to most people, but it's reality. (I didn't feel this way toward my ex-boyfriend. I was madly in love with him for years, and my love for him never waned.) I've told people that my husband and I are basically business partners who have kids in common and sometimes live in the same home.

My husband came up with the idea of doing "date night" once a week. "Date night" feels a bit contrived to me, as it does to LeeAnn, another woman who responded to your message, but I am doing it to show my husband that I am open to trying to fix things his way.

My husband is not interested in participating in couples counseling, attending couples seminars, or reading books on relationships, so I am going to try to improve the situation by myself. Because my husband does not want to participate in couples counseling and is gone for months at a time, I plan to start counseling alone soon. I've thought about getting divorced but am trying to avoid it as I think that it would make life for my kids and me, overall, worse rather than better. I want my husband to be happy, too.

As a psychology student and the sister of a psychologist, I have read numerous books on relationships. My favorite is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think it is one of the few books that is supported by research, not just "common wisdom," which is usually wrong or too vague to be helpful to anyone with average or above-average intelligence.

Good luck! If I think of anything helpful, I will let you know. Feel free to contact me at ____@____.com

Lynne E

my husband and I have a 22mo old and two special needs children 11 and 13yrs. We try to go to the Weekend to Remember marriage conference once a year or so. It is coming up this next month and will be in ventura. www.weekendtoremember.com They do have scholarships if you call them. Also We have been reading "How we Love" by milan and kay Yerkovich. I hope this information helps.
melissa

Dear Jae,

I by no means am an expert, but I have to say that you and your husband NEED a weekend away!!! I totally know how you are feeling because I have felt that way myself. My husband and I are going on 5 years of marriage, and I've often felt like we're just roommates. But I think it's normal when a child is brought into your life. All of the focus becomes about them and you and your partner don't get to notice all of the things that you fell in love with each other for. Hence the need for a few days of alone time. It will allow you to see in each other what you forgot was there.

My husband and I are very fortunate to have his parents living 2 miles away from us and willing to watch our 2 1/2 year old any time we want/need. So, we went to Kauai for 10 days, and it was so worth it! I was so nervous to be away for that long, but it really allowed me the time to fall in love all over again. Time slowed down and we got to do what we wanted to do, and not what needed to be done.

So, I know you said that you are breastfeeding, and bravo to you (I lasted 10 months, and was quite proud of myself) for carrying on for so long. But I have to say that I really and truly believe that you and your husband NEED this! It really will make the biggest difference! So, my recommendation would be to wean the babe, and plan a vacation! I know it's easier said than done, but honey, if your marriage is at risk, it's time to take action! Your baby has got some powerful immunities thanks to you, but you have to do something for yourself now!

Good luck to you and your family. Everything will be fine.
M.

I just wanted to recommend a book to you that has helped my relationship soooo much...it's about how to be and show love in your "love language"...the book will explain the different types of love languages. All of my friends have read it and love it as well. It's called "The Five Love Languages". I wish you the best.

I feel like I am in the same situation at times. Married for almost 3 years and we are raising a 21 month old. Not sure if your husband and you share a religion but, it helps! When my husband and I are attending and participating in our local church is brings great wonders to our relationship! If you believe in God he can work miracles anywhere especially in your heart and relationship! Good luck and God Bless!

Marriage life always has ups and downs - and it is FAR worse to go it alone unless your spouse is abusive.
All I can do is encourage you... you have a precious child who wants two loving parents. You woe it to him to make your marriage important. If you attend church regularly, then you know your objective is to make it work. Ask yourself what is so bad about him. If it is unsafe - go. Otherwise - why did you marry him - tap into that...
Love is not supposed to be a feeling - it is an action. This means that it is not how he makes you feel, but how you ACT to show love toward him that is important. This is the paradigm shift that we often forget.
I pray you are able to make it work. Really...

I kow you said you don't thin kit's PPD, because you were both concerned it might be.
The way you desribe your feelings about him, the baby, and when you go out with your friends, sounds like me when I had PPD. My husband almost left me over it, because I refused to acknowledge it. Finally, after about 8 months of putting us thru heck, I told the doctor my problems. He put me on Zoloft. Within a month, things were a lot better. I was off the Zoloft for good about six months later. While I was on it, we talked about other ways for us and me to deal with depression, as it runs in my family.
The thing about deperssion, it doesn't care who you are, what you do, and where you're from. When it happens, it happens. It comes in many degrees.

My age difference is similar and I would have to say that I went through a similar experience with my husband, a few times! I am definitely with my life partner, and know 100% that he's the guy I am destined to be with..... but that being said.... feeling in love with him all the time? Is that even real? When I wasn't so amorous, sometimes all it took was a glass of wine, and some fantasizing about someone else. :) And at other times, I'm overwhelmed with love and appreciation.

I've been divorced twice before because either I couldn't tell my partner what I needed, or they didn't care to give me what I needed. It sounds to me like he's interested in your happiness, and is strong enough to go through this with you. As painful as it is to say how you feel, specifically, you need to say it, to know that you're allowed to have your own feelings, and be your own person. I think when we have kids, even if we love every minute of it, we still can feel trapped, and we take it out on the only person we can, the other adult.

I don't know if that helps or not, but just know that other people go through this and don't leave their spouses. If you believe the Secret, then you have to start thinking of him as the perfect guy. Pretend he's Brad Pitt! You might be surprised what happens when you begin to focus on the good things.

Sounds very familiar. My husband and I went through the same issues when we first had kids. You become disconnected as friends and lovers -- instead you're only dealing with each other as parents, like you said, it's like a business relationship. What helped us was making a daily effort to reconnect. We would, each night, no matter what was going on, sit out in the backyard patio and talk...and at first it's difficult because you don't really know what to talk about other than the kids. But as the days go on, it gets easier and you open up and start sharing more stories about your day, your friends, etc. I realized I was closer with my friends at work than I was with him and it was because I had conversations with my friends at work about everything in my life...but as soon as I got home, all the conversations would be very surface, "how was your day?" "Fine." "What'd you do?" "Same ol' same ol'." Make sense?

The thing is, I too felt like I had fallen out of love with him and thought I could never get that feeling back, but once you start reconnecting as friends/lovers, then that feeling comes right back. So, my advice, set aside some time for yourselfs DAILY -- and have conversations that let each other in on your lives. Don't co-exist under the same roof. Be a real part of each other's lives. Hope it's helpful.

My husband and I have now been married for 12 years and have three kids -- hang in there -- try to remember the reasons you got married in the first place. If you stick it out, things only get better and stronger.

You have many responses and I'm sure that I can't bring anything new, but I read one that talked about the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, which is AMAZING! I definitely recommend reading that. Also, just my one piece of advice. Love is not a feeling, it's a choice. If I based my marriage on how I felt towards my husband we would have been divorced a 100 times by now! Somedays I feel like I love him and somedays I don't. You really have to weigh the pros and cons of leaving and staying, and I can almost guarantee that there is a lot more to lose if you leave. especially with a young baby. Some other good books are, "The power of a praying wife" by Stormi Omarten (and the forward is about her contemplating divorce), and "Love and Respect" which is something you two can do together. It is really great that you two try to find things to do together. I would also recommend not sharing your thoughts with any women who are single as they may encourage you to leave your man, which may not be a good idea. I am so sorry that you have been in this pit and turmoil, but keep pushing through. It sounds as if your man is a good one, and I would just really encourage you to keep reminding yourself why you got married and react to those things, not to only the things that annoy you. If you do nice things for your husband than in turn it will make you feel good. I will be praying for you and your marriage! Please get some of those books and read them. Oh, and one more thing, if you are not feeling good with your counseling sessions, see another counselor. a lot of people don't realize that there are different schools of thought with counselors and this counselor may be okay, but there are ones that could be great. you need to find the perfect fit for you and your situation. God bless.

Every couple has their ups and downs, and i too can feel like me and my hubby are not as in love as we used to be at times. Its a good thing that you notice it and want to fix it. I know you said you've tried date nights, but what kind of dates? Is it dinner and a movie which can be quite boring or do you take the time to think of something creative? My hubby and I try to take turns planning dates, sometimes its even at home dates if we can't find a sitter. Think back to what kind of dates you really enjoyed before marriage. Picnics at the park, beach walks, a night at the arcade, or maybe just games and deserts at home. I would also recommend trying to spice up your love life. Surprise him with candles, a sexy outfit, naughty music, and maybe even a naughty game. Try to make things playful and relaxed (and I know its hard after a day with kids) but try because your marriage is the most important thing to your kids! If your husband is serious about fixing things too, there is a great book called "How to date your wife". I bought it for my hubby and I even read it. It is so helpful and has great ideas. I hope some of these ideas help, but I would say the key is to start the nights in a good mood and try to stay positive. You'll have as much fun as you want it to be. And remember sometime the silliest dates can be the most memorable. Good Luck!

Oh man! That is so sad. I am in my 11th year of marriage with my husband and we have a 2-year old now. It almost sounds to me that you are having some depression. I work, but I know that the days I stay home with my child are much more tiring and hard. Your husband sounds very supportive and that is great! Imagine if you broke up and you saw him together and happy with another woman in a restaurant...if this tears at your heartstrings, you are still in good shape. You'll have to remember the quirky little things you fell in love with him for and also that he'll have different methods to getting things done since you both grew up with different parents with different ideals. Dates are good without the little one - maybe once every two weeks? Can you get a relative or good friend to watch your baby? But maybe also see your doctor about some depression or emotional mood swings...especially where it sounds like everything is good but you can't understand why you're not happy. You take care. Love your family.

V. M.

i think when you have been together for a long time with just the two of you, it is harder to adjust to being parents and not being able to just have fun together. neither of you has previous experience with this and that makes it harder too.
you just have to keep talking together. realizing that the other person is in the same boat is helpful, whether you realize it or not. you have to work as a team to get through life. sometimes the team has a "rebuilding year", so to speak, but you WILL come out of it eventually.
at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for your child, your husband and yourself. the grass is NOT greener! so it is best to work on your own garden and you will take pleasure in eating the fruits later on.
wow! i am full of metaphors today.
i nursed my children and not having 24 hour access to me was very hard on my husband. his lack of understanding was very hard for me. eventually he came around to the fact that i was going to do for the children first, then him. now he gets that it was the best thing and doesn't complain.
the oldest is now 8 and the youngest 3...
so you have to give it time.

good luck and take care!

Hi Jae,

Lot's of us go through the same exact things that you and your husband are going through. It's funny how you were telling us your story and I totally understand where you are coming from. My first marriage ended because I was young and I "fell out of love" with my husband. (I was 16 when I married him and had my first daugher!) I was married to him for 8 years and it all went down the drain in an instant. I was ready to move on. I'm glad I did because I grew older and was a different person.Now in my early 30's I'm in my second marriage (married for 3.5 years) and get scared because I feel this way at times too. Sometimes I just want to scream!! I feel like I'm the one who has to run the household because my husband works alot. Alot of it is just give & take. No one is perfect and you have to see that. (I'm sure you know this but you have to make sure you understand it)Throwing kids in the mix just makes it more difficult. But that's the best reason to keep trying to make things work. You just have to think for yourself and decide what it is you really want. It's not ALWAYS best to stay for the kids but if you believe you love your husband deep down, then you should most definitely do what it takes to try and work things out. Let me know how it goes. If you need someone to talk to and just vent, let me know. I also live in Camarillo and have 2 teenage daughters and 1 son who is 17 months :) Good Luck!
N. Reed

dont give up! my hubby and i were roommates for the first 9 years of marriage. ppl would ask me why on earth we are even married. I never felt like giving up was part of the plan although I desperately wanted to. I was so sick of living in a "stupid" marriage and thought falling in love was a stupid trick to make ppl want to get married..LOL sad. We almost divorced about 3 yrs ago. We just couldn't pull it together and then things gradually started to change. We went to counseling and started dating and tried to mesh our lives together. I never thought it would turn out like it did. It was a loooooong struggle trying to mesh our lives together, I would dare say it was almost traumatic because we were so used to living apart and having our own lives. THrough this process though I found myself completely, crazy, madly, deeply, in love with him all over again. Did NOT think it possible. We continue to date for the last three years and do more together and as a family. Love it. It was not an easy road sticking it out but holy cow was it worth it to be married to my best friend. Life is not perfect for us by any means, but it is perfect in the fact that our marriage has flaws and we have the tools to overcome and work through the flaws and who better to do this with than the father of my children.

My advice - take care of yourself and give yourself time. I was convinced my husband and I were moving toward divorce after the birth of our first child. He was just in a horrible mood, all the time, for months and months and months. I was tired, working full time, breastfeeding, wanting to be a good mom to a rather fussy baby, and just couldn't take it. In the end we just hung in there and guess what, after my daugther turned 2 things just started getting better.

If I were you I would try to focus on taking care of yourself. Do what you can to make yourself happier and calmer. Once you feel good your marriage will start to fall back in place too.

Hi Jae,

I know how depressing and hard that can be. My husband and I went through the same thing and I had resigned myself to the same fate. My husband was the one who came to me one day and said that he didn't want to have a marriage like that. He actually broke down and said to me 'You used to call me just to say hello.' It broke my heart.

That being said, I totally understand not having the energy to take care of the husband too. The only thing that changed for me was that I decided that making sure our relationship stayed healthy was just as much a part of my job as being a mom. And believe me, this was a conscious decision that went against everything I was feeling at the time. I started calling him just to say hi again and we started going on dates again (and I didn't have fun at first either, but now I really love them). And sometimes I'm still too exhausted to be loving, but I want the old connection again now too so I'm willing to work harder at it.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps. I think it takes time to get back to feeling connected again after drifting. But it is possible.

Hang in there!

I suggest that you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is an excellent book, and it really opened my eyes to how much power the woman holds in her marriage. (By the way, kudos for staying home and raising your child...it's the most important job you'll ever have.)

~Cathy

My husband and I went through this too. I will tell you the best thing that helped me through this was a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It taught me how truly different we are, and yet the same. We each need to feel loved, but we feel loved in different ways. It taught ME that our marriage isn't all about me (a hard lesson for me to learn!), but sacrificing my "needs or habits" to satisfy HIS had a whiplash effect that soon had my husband wanting to do the same. Please READ the book!

Hi Jae R,

I have had PPD, 4 kids, am also SAHM, and believe me when I tell you it is something a lot of women I know go through. You lose part of the relationship when you have a child, I believe it doesn't "die" , it just changes. It's not an easy job for either of you (parenting)and it gets better, the challenges just presesnt themselves in a different light.If you can remember what you fell in love w/ your husband for in the first place, try to hold on to that feeling. How much longer do you intend yo breast feed? I went to couples counseling and then decided I needed it alone also. I've been divorced,and knowing that if you don't try, you will end up on that road.I was once told that marriage was like a job; you are there every day and there are times when you like it and times when you think there has got to be more to it than this? I try to put energy in a positive place and that is usually my kids, but I see my (current) husband and all the hard work he does for us all and realize he is also a positive place for me, or I wouldn't be able to do it w/out him, even though he can get on my nerves, or make me want to pull my hair out ! He's my partner and my bestfriend, but it took some help for us . Have you ever read " Men are from Mars and Women from Venus"? Great tips and advice in that book. ( for him as well ) All my best to you Jae R and Good luck.

Sounds like a little post-partum depression to me. everyone thinks that post-part symptoms are just about parenting, but it does include changes in feelings toward a spouse. talk to your therapist about this. if he/she is any good (hope so) should have already picked up on this. you may want to seek counseling by yourself and if necessary meds (try talk therapy first!). i don't think you have fallen out of love with your husband, if you had you wouldn't be seeking help! you are experiencing some growing pains in your relationship as your family dynamics have changed. think back to the things you loved about him and to do with him pre-baby, there is a reason you fell in love with him in the first place, what was it? focus on that and i bet if you look carefully you will find he still has that!

You sound very unhappy and I am so sorry to hear that!! It is possible that you are depressed. Does it run in your family? Maybe besides marriage counseling you need personal conseling? I am also a SAHM and I can understand the need for something different. You going out with friends is great and you should be able to have fun without your husband. Of course with the way you are sounding, going out with your hubby may not be great fun at this time, but I strongly believe it is essential. I also think you need to do something on your own. No friends, no hubby, no baby. I am a Partylite consultant (No I am not trying to advertise) and I love going out to do my parties once a week. It's fun, I talk with all different people, I make money and it works with my busy schedule ( I have 3 kids). I have also taken bellydance lessons, salsa lessons and hula lessons. I love doing these things. It re-energizes me and the dancing makes me feel sexy which makes me connect with my husband. I love doing it on my own because it allows me to make friends on my term. If I feel like talking to someone I do, if not I don't. I love it. I also do scrapbooking. I am absolutely slow about it, but that is okay. For me it is theraputic. I love going over the pictures, old and new, and remembering the fun times and putting my own thoughts to it. That might help you remember happier times and help you be in a calmer mind frame when trying to work on your marriage. Believe me, I do not do all this in one week. I am busy and everything has to be spread out, but since it is all just for me, I am in no rush and all my activities gives me lots to talk about with my hubby and sometimes he helps me with them, but only on my terms, he respects my space. I really believe SAHM's need these things for themselves since we do not have jobs that take us away from the family. It's like we have nothing that is just ours. Good luck and please continue to work on you marriage with all your heart!!

I would recommend reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Author)-- it is eye opening and it sounds like it might really help you.

Another suggestion is to go back to work. Initially this may not sound ideal, but if you have "lost" yourself in motherhood it may be beneficial to spend a few hours a day/week away from the house where you get adult conversation and respect for your other (non mommy) qualities.

Dont give up on your husband or marriage too soon. Talk to him about how you feel and dont be afraid to tell him what you need or want (from him and from life).

Good luck to you!

I recommend this site: http://www.marriagemax.com/ Subscribe to the daily e-mails for a while, and consider the "marriage boot camp" -- it works.

For now, set aside your problems with him and try to connect with him. Try to see what you fell in love with in the first place. Relationships are work, and you've got to be willing to do it.

Let me give you another perspective. My parents divorced when I was 14. I was the first to believe they needed a divorce -- they were obviously miserable. But 25 years later (and after a 21-year 2nd marriage for my dad that ended 2 years ago) they are having dinner together and are friends.

If they hadn't divorced, both would be better off financially, and would be much happier. I truly believe this. But it would have taken a lot of work to accomplish it.

Keep going to counseling. Put in the time and try to re-connect with him. It's really worth it. Good luck hon.

Medication may help--and it is also possible to beat an issue to death discussing and dissecting it. You say you belong to mom groups and church. That's good, but what about your image of yourself as a woman? Do you have time and the means to take care of yourself--hair, nails, etc? Do you have interests and activities outside of "being a mom?" The gym is terrific, but maybe not enough to take you outside yourself. I think that sometimes it's difficult to trade one's self image as an interesting, desirable, (maybe) professional woman for being someone's wife, mother, etc. In the meantime--you are doing the right things, hang in. :)

The only advice I have for you would be in my belief that anything worth doing, is worth doing right. If you are going to stay married, always try to make it happy. You have a very cool opportunity to fall in love all over again! Something I started doing when I was having similar feelings after my 2nd baby, was I started writing in a "thankful journal". I have a separate journal to write down something everyday that I liked about my husband, or something he did that I am thankful for.

Someone very close to me has been going through this with her husband. They were both at the point that you are right now. And now, after many months of counseling and heart ache, things are good at home. There is hope, and God's plan is for you to be happy in marriage. Marriage is a good thing. Marriage is wonderful and happy and provides us with the most fulfillment, more so than anything else in this world. Marriage is meant to be happy. In a perfect world, we would have perfect marriage. But we are not in a perfect world with perfect people. And marriages are not perfect. But they are meant to try us and make us better people.

I believe the point of this life is to help us to grow and become the best people we can be. Any effort that you and your husband can put in to make your marriage work would be worth it.

You guys will be in my prayers...Best of luck. I hope I helped. :)

joe,
Don't lose hope. The most despairing time of my realtionship was after my first child was born. It takes time to work things out and get in a positive place, one without hostility and resentment for your partner. Resolve yourself to the monotony(& joy) of motherhood. Maybe exclusively staying home is not for you. I went back to school it reinforced my value. I promise things will improve. Stay connected to the outside world with other mothers.

Hello Jae,
I had the same type of feelings earlier in my relationship also. It helped for me to write down the good things. I made a list of all the things that made me happy. From the sunshine to the smile on my husband and childs face. Every time that you get down, look at that list and you will know why to be happy. It doesnt work for everyone but it worked for me. If you don't like lists than maybe a poem or journal type entry of what makes you happy.
I went through the same annoying things and how he made me upset when he was trying to help. I had to try to remind myself that he WAS,AFTERALL, TRYING TO HELP. These are a few things that helped me. I know they are not for everyone but maybe it will help you. I wish you are your the best. Keep your chin up because I know you have got a beautiful child and a husband to thank for it that stands by your side. :)

I didn't read all the responses, maybe this is a repeat... but try this. Write down a list of all the things he does for you or for your son. Ex: Goes to work daily to pay for housing and food, says good morning with a smile, helps with the dishes, plays with the baby every evening, cares enough about our child enough to be a worrywart :) Then thank God for each of the things you've listed EVERY DAY, and then go out and thank your husband for one thing on the list. Spend 30 days saying only good and positive things to and about your husband to others, and do not say anything negative to him or about him. I was going through the same thing you were, and some days was at the point where I just couldn't imagine living the rest of my life like that - I actually went as far as to tell my husband the only reason I was still with him was for our son (and he said he knew). When I stopped griping to him and about him to my friends, my whole perspective changed. Then I actually started saying positive things about him - just the other day a friend said "Your husbnad must be perfect because you never complain about him." I told her no he was not perfect, but no, I do not complain about him. And that's all I said, no explainations about his imperfections, I just left it alone. I was pretty proud of myself that I have gotten to this point and I don't think about it daily, it has become routine. On the other hand, we are kind of at a "friends" stage in our marriage... there is no romance, snuggling, mushy I love yous at night. But I know in my head we will move through different stages in our marriage and this will pass after the second baby is born and older, even though in my heart it is hard not to be pursued and "loved" openly. Just remember the good stuff, and write it down and talk about it out loud. Everytime an irritated thought comes into your head replace it with one from your list. "I hate it when he puts his dirty socks..... STOP... I love it when my husband sits down to dinner with me at the table and chats about his day." I hope this helps, it's helped me... and don't forget to add God into the equation - without Him marriage wouldn't even exist! :):)

I wish I could say something more uplifting; unfortunately, in reading your entry I could easily have mistaken it for my own writing. Its painful to be where you are.
I can only share my own experience and its been about 12 years since then. I did get divorced. In retrospect, I certainly would not have been so quick to act.

these are the hard years with small babies and children. Keep date time simple, maybe a walk and a cup of coffee. Get out doors together, the world is a beautiful place. Stop thinking negative,force yourself to see positive. He is taking care of you, you chose him and made a child, don't take this babies dad away. This is a phase, a difficult time, you can get through it.

Our daughter is only 8 months and I feel the same way.
I would like to here what others have to say.

dont' give up.. no matter what you do ... you could be havign hormonal problems even now after having your baby,,, dont' give up on the couseling either.. good luck!

I recommend highly that you Google Mort Fertel. His program is different that any other that i have encountered and I have seen and done them all!! His program emphasizes the positive so it doesn't dredge up what's wrong with your relationship, but what's RIGHT. Let me know in 8 weeks how you feel then.

S. B.

LIfe is so hard, isn't it? It's not your fault that you feel depressed sometimes, it just goes with the territory (the LIFE territory). However you CAN make the best of things when things are hard by a few practical things and a few mental ones:
Practically, Dr. DObson said that the 2 killers of romance and libido in our marriages are FATIGUE and TIME PRESSURE. He's so right!
Getting a good night's sleep will do amazing wonders for giving you the energy to deal with pressures in a rational manner. But even when you are tired, remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. You chose him for a reason. Many women don't get the kind of help you mention he gives. He's probably WORTH it. IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE! So do an experiment and begin treating him as nice as you did when you were winning him over, and SEE what happens! He's probably wondering what happened to the wonderful girl HE knew TOO!
Let him know you are feeling bad about how you have been treating him, and APOLOGIZE. It really will help. THink of the LONG RUN, and don't give up. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Imagine you are in INDIA and you are Mother Teresa facing the agonies of work and pressure she did. BUt she did it for a greater goal - a goal greater than herself. You will be old and life will be over before you know it. When you look back on your life - will you wish you'd tried harder? Don't give up the ship! YOU are NOT ALONE! Everyone suffers. As soon as we realize that we are suddenly freed from feeling alone in our pain.
God BLESS you!
R. E

I experienced the same thing when my daughter was born 18 years ago. We divorced when she was 4 (there were many other issues). But I know many parents who saved their marriages by making time for regular date nights (every single week). The more creative they are, the more fun they have. Even just to get out and have dinner away from home, without baby, is healthy. Go to a movie or a play, to take your mind away somewhere else. People swear by this and say it brings them back to memories of when they were first dating. But don't quit counseling! (Maybe you need a better counselor, if this one does not motivate you to continue?) Good luck!

Do everything in your power to keep your marrige together for your sake and the baby's. Things will get better but you do have to work on it, instead of having a defeated attitude say this is worth fighting for, I do not want this baby growing up in a broken home-worse times are ahead if you do that. Relationships go through all sorts of things. I have been married almost 24 yrs and it is worth it, although lots of times very difficult. But I learned to say no matter what I am staying together for my kids and it HAS been very worth it. My kids now 21 and 16 have thanked me for making sure they don't come from a broken home like many of their friends who are suffering. Now if he was beating you up I would say get out.

Some suggest that a Venn diagram would help; draw a circle basically over a circle; then for second one draw 2 separate circles with big space in between; then third, 2 circles with some included space and their own separate space; you are in an individual phase 2; we all fall in and out of love, it's a process; new identities are emerging and old ones passing; how kind are you being to yourself and refreshing yourself right now?

There's a lot on the subject; i wouldn't give up counseling; also suggest John Gottman, good writer on marriage. Good luck; i am married to wonderful man-second marriage, older, but we all have days we want to wrap them around a tree; and acknowledging that inwardly relieves a great deal of pressure. Is anyone helping you at all?

It is not about you anymore. Stay with your husband for your child!

My daughter is now 7 but I remember very well that the first 2-3 years after we had her were the most difficult of our marriage. (We were married about 5 years before we had her.) Each relationship is different, but all I can say is that it does get better. You're in the thick of it now. If you can, schedule a weekend away for just the two of you. We tried to do that once a year and it really helped, having time away where we could be just "us" again, not getting up in the night with a baby, not worrying about a feeding or napping schedule. And if you can't get a whole weekend, try doing some day outings where you spend several hours off somewhere by yourselves. I also didn't feel "in love" with my husband for quite a while, but it did come back and I'm so glad I was patient and waited for it. Don't give up too soon, and good luck to you!

I have been married for 26, almost 27 years. Lifetime partnership is challenging to say the least. There were times that both my husband and I wanted to end our relationship. But we made it through it.

This is a very small thing but it produces life changing results. Begin a gratitude journal. Every day. Maybe 2x a day. Pick 5 things you are grateful for in the morning before the day begins and then write down 5 things in the evening that reflect your blessings that happened during the day. In the beginning, you may only have that you can breathe...and that is okay. But over time, the many blessings that surround you will begin to come out of hiding. If you and your husband do this together, it will be exponential in results. You will be humbled by the many things that surround you that are gifts that you have ignored and your heart will soften. It's an amazing exercise with magical results...in time.

Good luck. I know this works because I have done it.

Blessings and acknowledgment to your beautiful life...

C.

About me:

I am a mother of four children ranging in ages from 23 to 36. I am self-educated in nutrition and currently represent a health and wellness company that distributes pure, safe, and beneficial products internationally. Our focus is broad based and includes inner and outer health (skin care, hormone balancing, weight management, and supplementation with whole food vitamins – for children to mature individuals).

I am also the author of “Diamond Moms, A Mother’s Guide to Raising a Baseball Player” available on Amazon. While it educates mothers about the sport, it is also a book on parenting and the importance of being a strong, disciplined, and loving mother. Don’t ever leave yourself out of the picture!!

I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. I too am going through that with my husband. And it does make me sad. I get so angry and frustrated. We have a two year old son. He is wonderful with him. We do try date nights. But I'm still left feeling disconnected. And we are in counsling as well. I do feel it helps. However, I'm still waiting to feel that fun spark we used to have. I think it takes time. And I think we are tired. We have a lot of responsibility now. And as women, we take a lot of it on our shoulders. Hang in there. You are not alone. Keep up with the therapy and date nights. I think it's worth it. I'm having faith that we can turn it around. Go easy on yourself. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to find what interest me. I'm trying to "find myself" again. Thanks for sharing what's going on with you. It sure helped me not to feel so alone.

R.