How to Help My Sister Who Miscarried

Hi Heidi;
It does seem that each woman's process is unique to her. I can share my story. I was pregnant for 10 weeks when we found out on Dec. 28 (a number of years ago) that the fetus wasn't viable. I opted to wait for a natural miscarriage, but 2 weeks later nothing was happening. Went in and had the procedure done.
I was stunned at how deeply grief hit me. I cried for days, then after a week only once a day, and then a couple of times each week, until I was only hit by the grief once in a while. It took a full year for me to process this.
At that time many women shared their story with me and I marveled that this happens so often, yet we often never know. It helped to understand how many women shared my experience.
It was hard to have people call and ask how I was in the first month or so. I would start crying all over again. Looking back, though, I'm glad I got it out.
I think I would have felt worse if people had acted as if it had never happened.
She's very lucky to have caring sisters to laugh and cry with through this.
Best regards,
S.

Heidi, first of all, you are such a good sister to want to help in the best way possible. You are obviously very caring. I would tell her that you know that without going through it yourself, there is no way to truly understand and you don't want to say anything cliche that might risk minimizing her feelings. Let her know that if she needs anything, you are available, whether it be talking, crying or otherwise. I would then leave the ball in her court. I'm sure this is going through her mind all the time and she probably wants to get through it in her own way. Good luck, I hope this helps. :)

Hi Heidi,
What a caring sister you are. I miscarried in the first trimester. From my perspective, I think you should definitely keep in touch with her often, and ask how she is. It can be as simple as that. You don't need to refer specifically to the miscarriage, unless she does. If she doesn't want to talk about it that day, she may respond by simply saying that she is fine. It is important for her to know that she can talk to you if she needs too. If she doesn't want to discuss it one day, she may the next day.

I don't think any woman ever forgets, or "gets over" a miscarriage. Much like any other loss, it becomes less traumatic over time, but she will never forget. A following pregnancy is a wonderful event, but it doesn't erase the previous loss.

I think that you can help your sister tremendously by letting her know that she can tell you anything whenever she is ready, and that you are ready to listen. You can remind her that she did not cause the loss, regardless of what happened in those early weeks of pregnancy. Some pregnancies are just not destined to result in babies. They are natural events that are a normal function, as difficult as they are. Many women (myself included) struggle with a real sense of guilt after a miscarriage, for somehow causing it to happen.)

The thoughts that meant the most to me at the time were those that simply addressed sympathy in my loss, and offers of companionship. References to "trying again" in the future felt insensitive, like this lost life could somehow be replaced.

How sweet your are...every one is different. I probably grieved until life next piece of excitement took over, which doesn't always take long. I never made an announcement at work for this very reason, but my husband seemed to have told everyone I was pregnant because even 2 years later, I was asked by his long lost buddies how the baby was. I would say my grieving period was about 1 to 2 months.

Keep being you...until she tells you different.

You sound like a wonderful sister. I've had 2 miscarriages, my first was the most painful, it was my 1st pregnancy. After it happened most of my friends acted like nothing happened, which to me made it worse. There is nothing worse than going back to work and not having any sympathy but I know it's difficult to know what to say. I remember one of my friends just giving me a "sorry for you loss" greeting card and a box of cookies, the simple gesture was so perfect. The grieving can last a lifetime, I still think of my angels, but I sure don't dwell on it, becuase everything does happen for a reason but it might help your sister to talk about her feelings and grieve out loud, it's true that depression can take over if everyone leaves her alone too much, so take her out for a cup of coffee and don't focus everything on the loss but bring up current topics too. It's tricky but it sounds like you are doing great with her! Oh, I made a bracelet after my miscarriages and put 3 angel charms on it (my 1st miscarriage was twins, and then a single baby after) and it just put everything at peace for a while when I wore it.

I had a miscarriage once, at 6 weeks. Each person is different. But yes, for me, it felt like I had a BIG empty void in me... and no one else could relate. It was the most lonely & sad feeling in the world.

But at the same time... I did NOT want people to keep asking me "how are you?" It was irritating. I preferred to be in my own thoughts and "privacy" about it.

But each person is different. ASK your sister, what you can do to help...or if it is nothing at all. Then respect her wishes.

The length of time for "mourning" varies with each person, and at what point in pregnancy they lost their baby.

It's great of you to want to help her....just let her know you are always there for her, what a fantastic sister you are.

ALso, if she is moodier than normal, or irritable, or sad... let her be. That is normal when mourning a miscarriage. But look out for signs of depression, if she is prone to that.
She will most likely find solace in the support of her Husband.

all the best,
Susan

Hi Heidi,

I've had two miscarriages, the first one was much more difficult because it was my first pregnancy. The second one was after I had my son and because it was an "oops!" I almost felt more relieved than anything. The first miscarriage was really hard for me at first, but getting pregnant again really helped (I got pregnant again about 6 months later). I sometimes think about it and feel a little sad, but I know that there's a reason for everything I realize that if I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have my current son! It will take your sister time, but she is fortunate to have another child already to give her fulfillment and joy. You were already there for her just by letting her talk. Talking about it is very healing... and don't worry, your sister knows you love her and care for her. You don't need to send her anything special, just let her know you'll always be there if she needs to call you and cry.