How to Handle Unfair Mother-in-law

MIL's (in general) suck. Ignore her, be gracious and go to the shower. The only thing you can do is rise above it. Good luck! :)

You can tell her that it sucks that there is favoritism but I doubt it will do any good. This is why I think one baby shower is sufficient. More than one shower is very tacky!!! Someone no matter the situation always gets the shaft...It isn't fair but I doubt it will change. Are these her daughters? If so, I can see why this happened. Oh well concentrate and build into relationships that are healthy. Do you get along with the SIL's? If so, maintain the connection if not move on.

I would speak to her but I wouldn't make it a chew out session. My friends and I feel that every baby is to be celebrated so we have baby showers for every baby. None of us have a lot of money to throw around so there is never any big items unless we all go together to get something. Among us there are several women who have had stillbirths and miscarriages so we never have the party before that baby is born. By having that shower after that baby is born, we get to see that precious child and love him or her up. Congratulations on a beautiful baby. How fun!!!!!

Are the SILs her daughters or are they the wives of her sons? If they are her daughters, then of course the relationship is different and you will and should be treated differently. If they are also the wives of her sons, then she is being a bit insensitive but I wouldn't get worked up over it. She is who she is and does what she does. Just forget about it.

Sounds my MIL.. a few things she has told me:

When we found out we were having our 3rd and i suggested a shower she told me that women only have additional showers if there is a different father and how I could I smear my husbands good name that way (WOW!!)

That her daughters baby IS more important than her sons children b/c a daughter having a child is just more special then a son having a child ?? (again with the WOW)

She took a second mortgage out on their home to pay for their daughters wedding while my husband and I paid for everything on our own.

I could go on and on. Yes, it definitely has hurt our feelings. But, I have learned that saying anything about it does no good except create even more family drama. I say just forget about it and know you are a better person then they are. Love on your babies and Hubby and know that they create your family not your inlaws.

Sorry you are going thru this - I feel ya!

I feel for you...it stinks when there is favoritism. My only advice is just to suck it up and forget about it. Nothing you do or say will change it. My MIL is the exact same way, and no amount of talking, arguing, or pointing out ever changes things. She is who she is, and nothing is going to change that. My husband has taken the thought that "It is her money/time/effort and she can use it in whatever manner she sees fit." It's upsetting, aggravating, and annoying, but it won't change.

I am not a big shower person. I have always felt a little odd about gratuitous gift parties and all the hoopla, especially for numerous weddings and babies (but that is just me). I am of the mindset that a shower is to assist you with the things you maybe can't afford the first time around...not because there are numerous kids, opposite genders, or even because there is a long delay between kids (no one demands you give up/sell everything)...Though I am the first one to get a gift for baby #2, #3, etc. I just don't think it merits a party and whatnot.

If you can afford to have another, you should be able to properly provide for it. Also, just because someone doesn't throw a party and spend some $$ doesn't mean they care for your child less...BUT... a lot of people put a ton of significance on this stuff, so I understand your frustration. I would pick my battles and let it go. Sorry!!!

You say you didn't expect a shower for your third, but apparently you did, since you're upset by it. Frankly, you had 2 children already and a shower for your third, unless you knew in advance it was going to be the opposite sex is tacky. I think you need to let go of these feelings of resentment and unfairness.

Try not to let it bother you. I think it's kind of a contradiction to say you didn't expect a babyshower, but be upset that no one threw you one. Are your SILs you MILs daughters? That might be why she had them. I was preg w my 2nd DD when my SIL was preg w her 1st and I planned her shower w my mom. But i took the initiative. If u didnt then its not fair to be mad that ur not throwing it.

Are the other SILs your MILs' daughters? If so, I would try not to be offended by the different treatment. If that is the case, then it's only natural that her daughter's pregnancies are a bigger deal to her than yours. Maybe she didn't think it was up to her to organize a shower for you, and expected someone in your side of the family, or one of your friends to do it for you? I know I wouldn't expect my MIL to throw a shower for me, but just to attend or send a gift if she was invited to one.

Regardless, though, you really have to try to let stuff like this roll off. I know it's hard, but there's no way to complain in this situation without coming off looking like the chump. Trust me...I know from personal experience.

Best of luck. Building a relationship with your MIL is a lifetime project.

If they are your MIL's daughters then get used to being treated differently. I am treated second class sometimes by my MIL when it comes to her daughter. Unfortunately that is the way it is sometimes. You might want to let her know your feelings are hurt but don't expect her to change.

When I was a younger mom this would have upset me and I don't blame you for being upset.

Now-a-days I would just let it go, in the big scheme of things.

She plays favorites and she knows it. You will not change her and will only kick up bad blood by saying something. I simply would make a note to myself to never treat my future DIL's and SIL's this way. Pray for patience with her.

Good luck and here's a hug.

I cannot stand this type of thing in families.. My MIL is exactly the same.. Everything is a big damn secret, because she knows she picks favorites.

As a matter of fact, she and my husband went to therapy together once and she told the therapist, "mothers are always closer to their daughters". He told her "No, actually, that is the mothers choice if she is to have any favorite."

Turn it around and if you want a shower, how about YOUR family giving you a shower.. Speak up! Do not just pout about it,. .

Have your husband speak with his mother.
Do you think she did not want you to know because she knew you would be upset?

Again are these her Daughters or her daughter in laws?
Makes a difference as to what your husband should say to her.

I appreciate you getting things off your chest in this forum. Your mother in law may never change, may play favorites but honestly when you know who you are working with why give them that much emotional power in your life. If you wanted a shower to celebrate the birth of a third child into your family, why not let your friends throw one for you? This is what the girlfriends are for but if you weren't really interested in having one until after two were thrown for your SIL's then perhaps a look inside yourself is needed.

I would perhaps encourage my husband to talk to her as I just let it go. If she is playing favorites, you don't have to let that rule your emotions. I really hope this helps, it is a valuable lesson I had to learn. My sister is my father's favorite. You learn to let it roll off your back like water off of a duck. It doesn't hurt any more. I'm bigger than his immaturity and favoritism.

I agree with Pam...are they her daughters or DIL's?

I hear your pain, and your frustration. I hear how isolated you seem to feel. You're not wrong in feeling this way, however you need to remember that if these are her daughters she is going to treat them differently no matter how close the two of you are. You should try to not take that personal.

If it's really bothering you and you think it will do some good to get it out. Hand write it down...leave it for a few days (totally let it go!!), come back to it and if it still bothers you as much as it did when you wrote it down, find a way to gently approach your MIL about this. Keep the conversation open and non-accusational. Putting her on the defense won't help resolve any issues, only compound them.

It,s hard to keep things bottled up. You have to talk to her but try not to sound accusingly. For your own sanity. You have to know her real true feeling or this could go on forever. She may have not planned one for you cause of not knowing the sex of the baby? Though you said she,s like this all the time... Just let her know, your hurt, and you dont understand why. Is there something that you did to her that she,s upset with you about cause if so you,d like to make amends. Then you will have tried your best and have every right to be on the outside whenever you dont want to be around. I feel for you there. Dont be sad, you have new freinds HERE. A big hug 4 you.

Why are you not upset with your own family for not throwing you a shower to begin with?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but it sounds like there are 2 different things going on here & both are valid in their own ways. The first is that it sounds like both of your SIL's are your MIL's children, correct? If so, like the other Mama's have said, it only makes sense that she would throw shower's for her own children, but not necessarily her DIL, even though I understand your children are no less her grandchildren than the others.

The second thing is that you clearly expressed that one SIL had a boy already & is not having a girl, the other has a girl & now ready to have a boy & you have all girls. Maybe it's a family thing that if you have 1 of each sex you get 1 shower for each?? In my family you get one shower, period. It doesn't matter how many children you have, or what sex they are, 1 shower per person per lifetime, lol. Don't get me wrong, there are gifts that come after babies are born, but still, you don't get all brand new stuff given to you each time you have a child. Any family that does it differently in my opinion is very lucky, but it's difficult when you've got a large extended family like I do to be able to keep up with first children births, let alone all that come after. I've got 18 first cousins alone!!

Be a duck & let it roll off your back, and realize while it may not seem fair to you, it does in fact make sense on a couple of different levels.

I thought you were way out of line until I found out that they are also daughters-in-law. What gives?

I'm sorry that does seem hurtful. I'm thinking you might have a hunch as to why there is a difference?

Maybe she's closer to her other sons? Geographically or emotionally? Maybe she feels left out of your family? Maybe she's known the other women longer? Do they (your SILs) have family close by? Do you? Perhaps she thinks that your family would be throwing you a shower and she is doing something as the only mom in town because they aren't near their mothers...

I really don't have enough information to give you advice other than to see if you can conjure a general idea as to why this might be going on. If she's a rational person you might say something like...

"I really care for you and respect you and I see your relationship with Mary and Ann and I'd love to have be as close with you as they are...."

are these your MIL's daughters or MIL's sons' wives?

It sounds like there is a bigger issue here . . . some other things, perhaps, where she is not treating you the same way she is treating her other DILs? I would explore that, and then approach her in a mature way or, better still, have your husband mention something to her.

If this is simply about a baby shower, the biggest thing I would fault your MIL is hosting two superfluous showers in the first place. In my family (and I mean my giant, extended family), the general social rule is one shower per mom (except in VERY special circumstances, such as twins or nearly a decade between children), and I would worry that any more than that would look like gratuitous solicitation of gifts (which is kind of how it feels to me when I am invited to one of these types of showers, even though I happily buy gifts after these babies are born). Family members did bring/send gifts when our second baby (opposite gender of the first, although I don't think that matters) was born, which was kind, but not something we would have expected or demanded. While I recognize that "Every baby deserves to be celebrated," I feel like a shower is to celebrate the mom, and that there are more appropriate ways to celebrate subsequent babies.

You don't really mention whether or not the current party SIL is her daughter or daughter-in-law. Either way it doesn't make it fair, but I could see it if she is her daughter.

My MIL tends to do the same thing. Treat my BIL and his family different from us since he is her son.

Maybe the MIL was waiting for your side of the family to throw a shower and then they didn't. My MIL and SILs did the same thing. I was pregnant with my 2nd. SIL told me that she was going to organize a shower. I was having the first girl in the family in 20y! My mom and sis asked if I was going to have a shower. I said I don't know SIL #1 said she wanted to throw one, but hasn't said anything since, and the only people that would be there are you guys (mom and sis, MIL, and 2 SILs). Can't we just do lunch or something? In the end no one did anything. My mom and my MIL each took me on a shopping trip. SIL #1 came over 3 weeks before I was due to help organize.
SIL : 'I can't believe no one threw you a shower, I had all this stuff piled up to give to you'...
Me: 'so why didn't you bring it with you today?'... '
SIL: 'Oh, i guess I could've. I'll get it to you'.

She never did. My other SIL ended up pregnant a few months later and SIL #1 and MIL were all over that party because it was her first - a girl!! We had a mutual friend come from 2 hours away for that one. All of it really hurt my feelings. It has also become a pattern in the relationship with my SILs.

I would own up and talk to her about how you were hurt that you were excluded from the plans of the current shower and how your were hurt that your daughter was/is overlooked.

I would tell her tomake you feel better and than I would discuss the situation with your husband and tell him how it made you feel. If your husband is true to you he will feel the way you do. Do not expect him though to say anything to his mom cuz com on get real its his mom. But al least he knows where your at and so does she. Also I would also try not to feed into there dramam and let it bother you it seems like they know it does and that is why they do it. I would enjoy your husband and children and do what you think is right for all of you and fudge them all.You married your husband not his brothers nor there wifes or his mother. Thats what you have to remmeber and in time if you can blow there nonsense off and let them know by blowing it off it doesn't bother you you are the better person. good luck family sucks unless its you and your hubbie witht he kids than its great!!

My MIL treated me badly all the yrs she was alive. My hubby and I oversaw her care in her last yr and things didn't improve but I know my not making a big deal out of it was the right thing. She was not going to change. Like yours, she strongly believed she was doing fine and being fair and her girls really didn't see it either. They are appreciative now that I was kind to their mom tho they still don't have the whole picture. You can never go wrong by doing the right thing, the kind thing. You can't straighten her out and I wouldn't make it any worse by what you say to anyone but you husband. If he can fix things, great, but I'd strongly advise you to smile and keep you mouth shut with them. Know it's hard!

From what I can tell she is your mother in law and the SIL's MOTHER. And so she will probably play favorites the rest of your lives but knew that would hurt you. Only you know her character and how she is going to act if you talk to her about it. I recently discussed a similar situation with my own mother, about my sister and they are both throwing 'evil' in my direction. So it's anybody's call. I have now learned to just ride with the tide. It's not fair today, but someday something will be fair for you and they will be wondering how to handle it. That is life. And with all you have to do why would you want to help throw the babyshower, just go and be a lovely princess with a new baby. I can't get over how things get in families sometimes. My own absolutely gets the prize. This however is close runner up. EDIT Sorry, I thought they were your MIL'S daughters. Could you clarify?

What Denise P said. Ditto.

It totally depends on if these are her daughters or DIL's. I can see her doing this for her daughters and her expecting your family to throw you a shower. Without knowing her relation to the DIL's, it's kind of difficult to give advice.

J.,

I would say its about time for a talk since you are harboring all kinds of bad feelings, not just hurt, but lots of resentment.

It's nice when all family members can be treated equally, but it doesn't always work out that way.

I will say since you resented the shower I don't understand why you were upset because you weren't asked to help.

I'm also wondering why your side of the family or a close friend didn't give you a shower since there had been a five year gap between your girls.

There was a time when only one baby shower was given no matter what. I know these days that's not always the case. Do you and your husband have the means to supply all the needs of your new baby? If so, would you say the two of you are financially better off then others in his family or yours?

Again, please talk with your mother-in-law and make it soon so you can get better.

Blessings.....

Definitely tell her how you feel. Calmly, maturely, honestly. If you don't, it will just continue, plain and simple.

You should let her know, maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing. I have had problems with my ex-MIL over the years when we were married and after but in the end she came around because I stood my ground and let her know when she was doing mean things. If she does know you will feel better knowing that you did all you could with her. I hope this helps.

M.

Speak up only IF you think it will help, otherwise drop it and move on. I understand that you did not expect another shower, however if everyone else was getting another shower thrown by everyone else, then you should have gotten one also. I don't care if she is not your mother, you are married to her son and it is her Granddaughter either way. When I was pregnant with my 2nd my two friends threw me a shower. My MIL didn't want to invite anyone as it "wasn't appropriate", even though we were having a girl after having a boy 4 years before and after our house had flooded and we lost all the baby stuff we had stored for future use. My friends won out as they feel every baby deserves their own celebration (though it was smaller than my first) and gifts were not necessary. Some in my family didn't bring them and that was ok, they were there to celebrate with me and see me in all of my pregnant glory : ) My MIL did get in trouble (I heard through the grape vine and did giggle), because some of her friends were offended that they did not get invited. All that just to tell you that along with what others have said, MIL's will be MIL's and you just have to deal with it. Congratulations on your little girl.

I would let her know that she hurt you. I really empathize with you because she has treated you soo poorly! She should have thrown you a shower as well you can't do 2 and not a 3rd~ Thats just wrong. Best wishes---- Hope things work out well for you.

m

Wait until you calm down and then have a talk with her. Tell her that you want to tell her how you feel so you can let it go. Don't say "you make me feel" but rather "this is how I feel when xyz".

In my opinion, I think you should pretty much take the high road. This isn't the first time she's been unfair, so just expect this out of her. Secondly, if your feelings are hurt because you weren't asked to give your SIL a baby shower, why don't you ask the other SIL if you can do it with her, do you think she'll say no? I do think you need to talk with her and tell her how you feel. Even if it doesn't change anything, you'll feel better to get it off your chest.

Updated

In my opinion, I think you should pretty much take the high road. This isn't the first time she's been unfair, so just expect this out of her. Secondly, if your feelings are hurt because you weren't asked to give your SIL a baby shower, why don't you ask the other SIL if you can do it with her, do you think she'll say no? I do think you need to talk with her and tell her how you feel. Even if it doesn't change anything, you'll feel better to get it off your chest.

Put her in check point blank if you need to: "hey, am I chopped liver or what? Howcome you instigated showers for Jane and Joan and not for me?... I'm just curious."
Maybe you are "financially" better set than your 2 SIL's are? Are your SIL's her blood daughters? That makes a difference in the favortism game sometimes.
Other than that, it is what it is and not worth crying over really.... your kids might turn out to be the "favorite" granddaughters before it's all said and done. These things have ways of working and evening themselves out in the long term.

Is it possible the your SIL's could have hinted at wanting a baby shower, somehow let on in a conversation that they would appreciate it??

In your post you make mention that you didn't expect one. And I think that would be a huge contributing factor to others making the plans and arrangements. I have found out late in life that it is more important than ever to speak up and ask others for what I want rather than wait and see if they get it right. I learned this from my little sister who is great at asking everyone...."Do you mind if......" And she always gets what she wants...

I still think it OK to speak up and say you'd like to participate in throwing the next baby shower...offer something you feel comfortable with and then keep on speaking your needs/wants/expectations with this family.

Ditto Denise P. It stinks, yes, and I'm sorry you got stuck with a crummy MIL, but take the high road.

Congrats on your new little girl- she's really all that matters anyway, isn't she?!

At first I was inclined to think that the reason the other two got showers was because of the sex difference of the baby. But then you said they knew you had gotten rid of all your baby stuff and I can say I'd feel the same way you do! Let your mother in law know that she hurt your feelings, maybe in an email, because if you don't then I promise it will eat away at you and she'll know somethings up anyway. Better yet, have your husband do it. He doesn't have to agree with you to talk to his mom and let her know how YOU feel. Also you have to consider that your sisters in law are her daughters, so some favoritism is expected (it's be weird if there wasn't) best thing to do is talk it out!