Grandparents Favor Other Grandchidlren

Hello.

I am so sorry to hear about this unfortunate situation. It is a very difficult one. I myself growing up had aunts and uncles who favored other cousins, with gifts, etc and they do it still to my children today. Although I was able to sever ties a bit with them, I still never forgot how it felt. HORRIBLE! These are things you remember as a child.

I can tell you what my friend's mother did because her case was a bit more extreme. My friend's father died when she was a child. Her mother later remarried and becan to have more children. The first husbands family was quite wealthy. Because the gifts were so big and obvious that were coming to the eldest daughter, she finally told them, you love all of us, or none of us...this is part of my oldest daughter's family now, and you cannot keep showing special treatment. When given the choice, the grandmother chose all of them, and they all had a pretty good relationship after that.

Maybe if you gave them this choice they would see the light? I really wish you luck.

Take care~
Lee

I am in the same situation you are. My girls are 5 and 2, my parents have 10 grandkids all together, we moved from Ohio to Tn. When I call home I am always hearing about my sisters 3 kids. I have told my mom that she has other grandkids, not just them, she said we are just jealous of each other, that's not the case, I just get tired of hearing my sister's daughter is so smart or her son did this. So I told my mom when she decided to talk about something other than them, then to call me, which she has not done. I realize I can't change them, so til she realizes I meant what I said things won't change.
All you can do is confront them and tell them how you feel, they may not like it and may say things like my mom did, but you just go on and hope one day they will open their eyes.

My parents have not seen my girls in almost 3 years. My parents came down here when my youngest was 4 months old, but I am the one who has to pack the kids up and go to Ohio, I have decided I was not going to do that anymore, cause its always my niece and nephews when we do go, my mom spent about a full day with my girls out of 3 weeks up there. You just got to tell them how you feel, how else will they know.

We have the same sort of issue with my in-laws. My parents are fine and my siblings act fine toward our son, but my sister in law and mother in law are a whole different story!

They do the same to us your in laws do to you.

We are constantly told how many gifts, clothes, toys, and special things the grandparents do for the sister in laws children, by the SIL, and not in a nice way. Our mother in law also makes sure we know all that they do for the other grandkids.

We see it as pretty juvenile for adults to act that way.

Although we have never found the reason, we simply take the high road. Our son knows he is loved and is surrounded by people who love him daily--US!

We wake him up with smiles and tickles every morning and that is how he is loved until he goes to bed. His grandparents also live far away, but very close to my hubby's sister.

I think it is just a way for them to try to anger you or maybe get your husband's attention.

Continue to take the high road. It's not the easiest approach, but the most important thing is your son and his feelings, never lose focus of that.

You cannot control how others act toward you, but you can control your reaction.

Good Luck, this is a sticky situation.

My heart breaks for your son. I was one of those children. My sisters and I were not the favored grandchildren on either side of my family. We had no close relationships with our grandparents at all. And we longed for that. We saw all of our friends talking about their grandparents, and it made us feel horrible that we weren't like that with ours.

One of my grandmothers favorite things would be to say things to us about our weight. I would think to myself as a teenager..."you haven't seen us but once this year and all you can comment on is our weight".... That was hard.

Harder still is when we did see them at christmas, my cousin would open a real fur coat from my grandmother, and we would open keychains. Right there, face to face, grandchild discrimination.

Our family was nice and we smiled when we heard about all the things they did for others. In the end, we grew up, and as we had successes in our life, my grandmother who treated us the worst, began to be remorseful. She didn't give us anything like she did my cousins, but she did start to try and build a relationship with us. Which to me was more precious.

I understand your frustrations, but your problem is so complex. If you stay on the high road, you must know that you will hear these things, and it is up to you whether or not you allow it to hurt you.

Depending on the relationship built between you and your SIL and MIL, mention to them what your concerns are. If you have a good relationship and you are geniune and accurate in your expression of the problem, they should take it to heart and maybe change how much bragging they are doing. Chances are they don't realize it is hurting you.

However, a word of caution. If the relationship is not that solid, let your husband be the one to speak with them about it. One on one, away from you. You don't need lashing out and screaming over this type of issue.

The most important thing in all this is to make sure your son doesn't get hurt when he realizes how he is being treated. I pray you find peace in all this.

So I guess the SIL is jealous of you for some reason and uses this to try to make you jealous. As for the MIL, she is probably upset that you don't live closer, and maybe thinks that this will 'somehow' get you to move closer....

I think ignoring it has been the best thing to do. I'd also make comments to your MIL that you wish you lived closer so that your son could spend time with them more often, but that you really can't just up and move. When she mentions that she did such and such for her other grandkids, just say that that's great that she's able to do that.

As for your SIL, when she says "MIL bought this and that for our child," just say something like "Wow, that's great - do you like it, we were thinking of getting that for our son...." I find that being positive and overly nice to someone like her has the best effect b/c they feel like they're not getting a rise out of you like they wanted.

I think your SIL is evil with her intentions, but your MIL really just wants to see her grandson more.

Sorry you're having to deal with this!!

Not much you can do. The problem is between your husband and his parents. The only person you can conrtol is yourself.
I would ask my husband to ask his parents to make their phone calls from our home privately. Remember, if he has never spoken up to them before your marriage anything he says now will be your fault. Keep quiet so that the problem doesn't come between you and your husband. He will feel like he's in the middle. Agree on something to say when they do this.
Steer the topic toward your husband or your child. Its your house! They are not stupid, they know there is favortism.
Good Luck

R., Welcome to the club. There is something about in laws that drive us NUTS. My children (9 and 3) are my inlaws only grandchildren and prob. will always be. We or should I say I noticed the favoring soon after my son was born. I told myself it was because he was a baby and she was more fun. Well, he is almost 4 now and it is still going on. My sister in law has NEVER missed a birthday party of my daughters. Has even taking the day off of work to make sure she was her. This year for my son's birthday party she traveled home 2 weeks before the party and told us she wouldn't have the money for gas to make it back in 2 weeks. (so why didn't you wait 2 weeks for your visit the party had been planned for a month and 1/2)
My parents are divorced and my dad and stepmom have been married for over 25 yrs. My stepmom has 2 children and my dad had 2 none of us were ever treated different. They have 7 grandchildren and they are all treated the same. (I do realize I have an exception to the rule on step moms they forgot to give her the wart lol) However I say this to say that it is hard to watch what is going on with my husbands parents. I took it for awhile but then it started causeing problems with my husband and I. When I would talk to him he told me I was "reading" into it. After the birthday party thing his eyes opened. It took some guts on his part but he talked to his family. It has NOT helped they told him it wasn't true and that I was being toooooo sensitive. I almost lost it. We live less then 1 mile from his parents and my children and I have not seen them in over a month. I look at it this way. I would rather my children be involved with people that love them and want to be with them and do for them as much as anyone else. I would bet that there is a couple in the town that you live that didn't have children but wanted them and would love to get to know you and your son. (It might make your in laws upset enough for them to see the error) and what do you have to loose a couple that loves spending time with ya'll and you will touch their lives in away you can not dream of. I hope and pray that the grandparents come around but as the kids get older it will not be your nose that the favoring is rubbed in.
I really don't know if this helps it is such a hard subject.
Thanks
M.

R. - I'm not sure how well suited I am to respond to this request but I'm going to give it a go. First a little about me so you know where I'm coming from. I'm 34, married with a 4-year old son. I'm the oldest of 4 kids only one other of which has a child (6 months old) at this point. My son was the first grandkid on either side (my sister-in-law does not have children) so his birth in particular was anticipated with great joy and excitement by all. We are very blessed to have a big family and a close one - not only relationship-wise but physically as well. Both sets of grandparents live within 20 minutes of me and within about 2 miles of each other. We are even more blessed because they trade off watching our son during the week while we work (I work full-time). So, here's a couple of things I thought about while reading your request. Hopefully I don't ramble too much. First, not being in your shoes I can't really dispute the idea that the grands are exhibiting favoritism with the other grandkids or not. I would say though that I think it would be only natural that they would have more interaction with the grandkids living closer to them and that interaction would naturally generate a lot to talk about and to share whenever they have an oppty to visit with your immediate family. Perhaps it is the manner in which they present it to you that is the kicker and they don't really realize how it is coming across. Also, since ya'll live away from the bulk of the family perhaps they think they are sharing the 'family news' with you. Second, here's where I think my experience could be helpful. First, with our parents taking care of our son during the week, when he was younger he exhibited a great deal of favoritism in wanting to stay with his 'Diddie' and 'Pop' or his 'Nana' and 'Poppie' when my husband and I would go to pick him up in the afternoons. That didn't feel real good to us - not having seen him for most of the day we always thought he should be eager to come home with us and get to spend time with his mama and daddy. I have to say I did have a few hurt feelings there at the beginning although it wasn't anyone's fault - certainly not my child's. He just showed how much he loved his grandparents and how much he enjoyed them and was comfortable around them. He spent (and continues to do so) a great deal of time around them and that much interaction naturally led to a lot of, 'Nana said this,' 'Pop taught me this,' 'me and Diddie got to go and do this'.... Also, in the other way I mentioned - our son showed a distinct favoritism toward my parents rather than my husband's parents (which didn't sit well with my mother-in-law). I used to cring a little when, upon seeing both sets of grands at a family outing, my son would consistently and immediately yell and run toward my parents - all excited - while he never would do that toward my parents-in-law. My parents, parents of 4 kids, are strict but still more relaxed and easy-going with kids compared to my parents-in-law who only had two kids (with a 9-year age difference between them... almost like only kids). Also, my father-in-law was career military and is more authoritarian in his parenting than my parents. My parents always talk to Justin like a growing boy while my parents-in-law speak to him more as a little child who doesn't have as much understanding (hopefully you know what I mean by this, hard to explain). These kinds of things led Justin to be more comfortable with my parents and to, unfortunately, exhibit some favoritism toward them. Had to have a discussion with my mother-in-law about this because I could see she was somewhat hurt by it and didn't understand why. Anyway, I do think the kind of thing you are speaking of can get out of hand and be hurtful - maybe not so much now but when you son gets old he will probably wonder and ask about it. I would use that concern as a catalyst to speaking with both sets of grands. I would do it as a couple and would discuss the 'script' for both discussions with my husband beforehand. I would take care to address this in a positive manner - careful with my word choice so that neither set of grands would take this too personally and get defensive (which would pretty much make this a wasted effort). I would keep most of your feelings out of the discussions and center it all around your concern of how your son might feel if he picked up on the grands' preference. Also, I might make a concerted effort in getting the grands more involved with your part of the family and your son in particular. While he can't carry on a conversation over the phone at this point, they could still 'talk' with him maybe once a week or so. I would send them lots of photos and/or maybe email photos and 'life' updates on a regular basis so they would feel more connected to your son. My boss sends out an email with photos of his kids weekly thru www.webshots.com (he has 4 kids and his family lives all over the US and they don't get to see each other in person often).

I hope some of this will help in some way. I'm hoping that you guys have just misunderstood in someway and that the grands don't really have a preference - rather it is just because they feel like they have more of a connection with the other grandkids since they live only 5 minutes away. If you bring the topic up with them in a positive way - letting them know that it is only out of concern for your son and that you want to use this as a catalyst to get them more connected with you guys - then I hope that they will be open and eager to doing so. Kids are a wonderful blessing and no one should ever feel left out of love.

Best wishes... and sorry for the very, very long email!
C.

Don't let this bother you and your husband. Sit down with him and discuss a plan of action. The next time your inlaws come to visit have a sit down with them. Explain that now your child is older you both expect them to treat him with respect. This means when they come to visit shower him with affection. But not to throw the other grandchildren in everyones faces. This my cause a riff but your son will be better off with it. Your mil is just jeloues and your sil is just a show off. I speak from experince and just want to let you know that it caused us a few problems in the begining but after a few months of us calling ( my little girl) and not saying anything else it all worked out fine. I wish you lots of luck and paitence in this matter. Just shower your son with love and it will all work out. Good luck mom of a little girl.

Wow! My daughter is a couple of months behind your son, but other than that, our situations match almost to the letter.

I haven't really figured out what to do about it, but did want to offer some understanding and sympathy.

The one thing we have determined is that we won't expose her to it. She will NOT grow up asking us why she's not as good as my SIL's two. She will NOT be made to feel somehow less or inadequate just because her grandparents on that side can't pull their heads out long enough to see how painful that is.

Even if we have to cut ties. That's just the way it will have to be. I won't have it, and my husband backs that up 100%.

Wishing you a painless and quick solution,
Web

Hi R.,

I think we have all experienced this at one point or another.
What you need to decide is what you want your child's relationship to look like with their extended family? Focus on quality rather than quantity and don't worry about what the others say. It's obvious the grandparents must sing praises about your family in their presence, otherwise there wouldn't be a need for them to "compete". I know it's childish, but some things never change, especially between siblings. (have you ever watched Fraser?)

Because we don't get to visit our family as often as we would like, we email lots of photos of our baby girl, and we keep in touch by email and phone. We call and check on them just because or to share something new that she's learned today. We make it a point to show our gratitude and appreciation for anything they do for us or our daughter, and we acknowledge our appreciation in a way we know they will be pleased.

Our little girl earned big points one day with the Nana and Great Grandmom because she wears an undergarment under all her clothes, unlike the other grandchildren. They were so pleased, they speak of this often and have sent her additional undergarments for her new clothes.

This seems like a simple thing, but it speaks volumes. Because our value system in how a child should dress compliments their beliefs, they acknowledge this kinship through their actions and behaviors towards our family.

I hope this helps, let me know how it goes. By the way, it doesn't hurt to be the favorite Aunt to your nieces and nephews, everyone will want to spend the holidays at your home!

That's so sad .Can't understand that at all ,children are all presciuos ,it's grown ups that mess them up .I'd say disown the whole lot of them but you don't want your son to grow uo to be so unkind .If one can be so mean to even thier own family ...well life has a way of comming back around usually doublefold.Love your baby and teach him right let God deal with the rest...He will probably let you watch.And if your baby needs a grandma...I'm not one yet ...but I could be

R.,

I also have in-laws that seem to favor the other 7 grandchildren vs my two. We only live about 45 minutes away from them but they RARELY come to see the boys. There has been numerous times that they have come down here to get a tool or something from my husband & they will stay 5 minutes & be like well we have to leave. When we go up to their house, they do not hold my youngest, 12 months, & they will talk to the older one a little bit more. The most recent incident of favortism involved us going up there for a cousin's swimming birthday party & I noticed that all the other grandchildren had on these swimshoes, all matching...I overheard the grandmother telling one of the grandkids "that is why we bought you these shoes"...now, granted the shoes probably came from Kmart & cost like $5 but it is the principle.
It does not bother my husband, but I come from a family where if one child gets something the other child usually gets something at the same price. I have a harder time with it than my husband. He will never say anything to his parents about their lack of spending time with our children & it eats me up but I have learned to overlook it somewhat. Once me & my husband went to Vegas & they kept the kids (after much protest from the grandmother & only b/c there was no one else to watch them (my parents live in Richmond VA)...well my baby was only about 4 months old & when we called the 1st night our oldest son (4 yrs old) told us that Cooper was not there. David asked where he was & his dad said oh he went over to your sister's house to spend the night...it was not the matter of him going to the sister's house but that they did not CALL & ASK US if we cared where our child went. I was infuriated!

Anyway, if your husband does not mind saying something to your parents then I would suggest saying something. Maybe (does not sound like it) but just maybe they do not realize that they are doing so and maybe by talking to them it will stop. Hope that helps!

M.

R.,

Favoritism is a tough issue but I would strongly suggest that you tell them exactly what you have told us. Sometimes they honestly aren't aware that they are showing favoritism and/or they don't know how it makes you feel. But you are right, your son may not notice it now, but eventually he WILL and that will be heart-breaking for you and your husband. Good luck.

HI R.,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I personally have not experienced this issue. But, I do have twin nieces that are 3 years old. One of them look like the mother and the other one looks like the father which is my brother. However, it seems to me that the twin that favors the mother gets more attention from the mother's side of the family than the twin that favors the father. For example, they will pick up and take one twin out for the day (the one that favors the mother) but will not take the other twin.

I even asked why do they let this happen and mother's response is that they do not have to be together all of the time. Okay, that's true, but if they were my children, I would not let someone favor one child and not the other, especially at that age (children do not understand). Besides, it is not fair.

So for you case, I would just ignore their ignorance and foolishness. Oneday, your child will grow up to realize how things really are and will choose to deal with them accordingly. Who knows, your child maybe grow up to be some big time celebrity or successful hot shot and he will remember the ones that were there for him and you will see how quickly they will want to be apart of his life then.

Hope this at least make you feel better.

T

I can sympathize since I am going through a similar situation myself. In your case, I think it may be a passive agressive way of letting you know that if you lived closer then you would have that closeness. I am not saying that is right in any means but maybe if you approached it from that point of view with your mother-in-law, she would stop and see your side. If you don't have the type of relationship where you can speak openly with her, then it is definitely your husband's job to do this. Whether your MIL and SIL know it or not, their behavior is stemming from unspoken feelings, possibly about you not living close, and that behavior is destructive when it makes you and your family feel bad.

Good luck!

I guess my first question would be when they visit you guys do they take special things for your son on those visits? I live away from my family with my two girls also and I know and understand that my family has a closer relationship and bond to those grandchildren that live around them. I am sure if they lived close to your son they would have a special bond with him as well. It is hard to have a bond with kids that you only see a couple of times a year, you really don't know their personalities or what they like. If it bothers you that much, the best thing to do would speak up about it, depending on how your in laws are and how they would take your feelings about the situation. Just remember it is not the material things a child recieves it is the love.

I am a grandparent myself. I have a grandchild that I never get to see. I have one that lives close to me. I love them both equally. I had the same problem with both my husband's parents & mine. I also had this same thing happen to me. My brother did no wrong. He was always favored. I lived with this up until my parents died. My mother even gave my brother everything. He & his family lived beside her. The only advice I can give you is to love your child. While your child is young call their attention to this problem. Let them know you see this and your child will later on. I know how bad it can make you feel. I have been there & done it. Just let them know how you feel now before the situation gets worse. All of my children are grown but one (I have 4)and I made a promise to myself that I would never let this problem happen in my family. I love each and everyone of them equally!!!!

R.,
I've read this post a few times and while I don't have this exact problem, I can give you a little of what I think or what I would do on this and it's to avoid conflict for later or maybe even to help alleviate a situation that could really turn ugly and potentially scar the relationships with your MIL and SIL for yrs.
I would distance myself from the sister and mother in law and do what i could to dodge their calls to get the point across and you would definitely have to express this to your husband. It sounds like there may be some jealousy from your sister in law aimed indirectly at you for some reason. If your husband is the only boy in the family and he's in a successful job for instance, then the sister in law could be jealous of that. Just by the way you've described this situation that's what it sounds like to me and the only thing that may make sense as to why they are trying to get a rise out of you.
When you distance yourself from talking on the phone or not seeing them even when you have a chance, you are sending them a message and they will understand what you are doing and will just be glad to talk to you to say hi over time . I am 30 something now with a 3.5 yr. old and my only sibling is in HOuston, TX. My parents live about 30 minutes away and get to see my daughter quite a bit compared to my brother's child. My sister in law has expressed in her own little way some jealousy towards me, it's hard to explain and it's just one of the little things you have to tolerate about family, it's inevitable but it can be controlled. My MIL has only 1 son and I'm married to him and I think she purposely keeps herself at a distance from me so as to avoid conflict. She'll call me about once a month if that or will call if she has a pressing question and it's never about little things. I respect her so much for that so I can see where you are coming from on this. It's hard to have a child when there is no family around, we did it down in ATLANTA, GA for 5 yrs. and got lonely for the most part, now that we are back closer to family, it's still hard but it's nice to have that family support should there be an emergency. I find that the older I get, the more my Mom wants to control my situation and so I just don't give her a chance, it's not worth all the bickering and hard feelings, life is too short for that, so you have to purposely distance family, my husband and I are pretty good at it, because we know the problems it can cause if we don't. If you want to chat more, feel free to call ###-###-#### or e-mail me at ____@____.com We live in Knoxville, TN. Let me know how it works out :)

Sincerely,
D.

My mother-in-law told me the same story about my husband and his sister when they were little. The grandparents favored one of the grandkids over the other-obviously to the point that the other grandkids feelings got hurt. They had to talk to them to let them know what was going on. It did get better. Good luck!

Your husband needs to be the one to address it, and he can basically just say that he understand they are closer to the other grandkids and that although it doesn't bother him, you don't want it to hurt your son's feelings down the line. So it would be better if they kind of kept the discrepancy on the down-low in the future. If they balk at doing that, then yeah, they are trying to irritate you. Then you will have to teach your son that life isn't fair and people can be unintentionally mean sometimes. It is a good (albeit hard) lesson to learn.