Hello Parents,
I could use your advice...
My husband and I have been seperated for about 3 months now and in that time my husband (against my requests to stay) decided to break our lease because we (my daughter and I) weren't living there.
We are moving in the next three weeks and I'm not sure how to explain all of these changes to my daughter. I mentioned to her that we will be staying with my parents for awhile and my daughter was nervous about someone else moving into her house and playing with her toys.
What do you suggest? I'm not sure how to bring up the subject of her not going back to her home again.
Dear 8kidsDad,
I wasn't asking for a judgemental answer, please refrain from doing that to others... you know nothing of another person's situation. How do you know that we haven't done all of that? because you read my other questions? good for you for assuming.
I was asking for suggestions of those who have been through this before. NOT your judgement.
Explain to her that all of her toys and all of your stuff will be coming with you guys, that only the building stays. Moving is often confusing to little kids. They think they need all new stuff!
Ignore the haters. We never know what someone else's life is really like, right?
I would suggest the book "when dinosaurs divorce". It's puts it on a kids level. I thought it was a great book and helped my girls a lot.
Pick 2 simple phrases that you are comfortable with and then don't deviate from them for 2 years.
In my case, I picked
1. "we are moving to live with Grandma for a while. I know you miss Daddy. He misses you too. Mommy and Daddy decided this is what was best for everyone"
2. I know it's hard to not have all your stuff. We have the important stuff, and the other stuff is safe." (for us it was in storage).
3 years old is both super tough and much easier. In a year she won't remember the two of you living together. Which will make it less easy for her to envision that you would get back together one day. But 3 is tough because she will never have those memories. So, it's a double edged sword - as divorce tends to be.
If you have a specific date that he will see her.... always end your "phrase" with that...... I know it's hard..........blah blah...... but you will see Daddy on Thursday, remember?" That will give her a specific date that is more concrete so things don't seem so up in the air. If you DON'T have a date, no worries.... but refrain from saying things like "I don't know when...." because that will make her feel like things are secure.
For myself.... I either bypassed it entirely with re-direction or I said "that is up to your dad and I hope that he will make plans, but right now we are living with grandma......." and went right into the previously aforementioned schpeel.
I also found it helpful to NOT explain things. That's not for her to understand. I only told her what I knew for certain and only if it related to HER world. Here is where you will live, this is what time you go to bed. Here is where you go to school. And less on "what I think we may do....." It's easy to want to provide info.... but with a kid that young they can't process info and time is still relative to them..... so giving info that will happen in the future will sometimes confuse them more.
Above all - you have to simply ignore all the judgement. It will come at you from everywhere and most times when you aren't expecting it. A teacher, a bank teller, a responder on an advice board. Everyone thinks your shoes are more comfortable and your grass is greener so you should have stayed or done this or that. You have to answer to you, your daughter and whatever higher power you believe in. That's all.
Find books at the library about children in a similar situation, books about moving to a new house and books about divorce. Mr Rogers has great books! When my daughter was that age I told her stories about a little bunny who used to live with mommy and daddy and then just lived with mommy. It wasnt little bunnies fault she was a very good bunny. Her mommy and daddy bunny still loved her just the same, they just didnt want to live in the same little burrow. They each wanted their own burrow and they decided to let little bunny live with mommy bunny ( or go back and forth?) She doesnt need to know WHY. She needs to know it wasnt her fault and both of you still love her.
no matter what it won't sink in until it happens
just reassure her that all her toys will still be hers and that the THINGS are going where ever you go, but the house (walls, windows, etc - walk through and point out "goes with" or "stay" things) is just a house
