When I was a teenager, I kept this now-hilarious journal of all of the things I was not going to do when I was a mom that my stupid mom was doing to me. It is full of THE DUMBEST stuff, but much is to be learned from it.
The biggest thing I'm reminded of in the journal is how I always felt like no one ever listened to me or thought that my opinions were valid. Actually, many of them WEREN'T, but the important thing is that I THOUGHT THEY WERE. I felt like the only ting that separated me from an adult was my age, and that I was emotionally mature. HA!
I deal a lot with youth (girls ages 12-18) in our church and I also have a 12 1/2 year old daughter. I have learned that the most important thing that I missed with my own mother was the ability to talk to her about the things that mattered in my life. I've been talking to my daughter about everything for as long as I can remember to prevent this.
Remember that when you are talking to your daughter, you need to not only talk about the things that do matter, but listen and respond to the things that DON'T matter (like the latest gossip of who likes who and who is in trouble for what and what dumb things were said on the bus that day). Make sure you know who her friends are and what kinds of things she likes (music, clothes, etc.). These things are so important
to them.
Respect your daughter and her "opinions" (as nutty as they may be at times) and DEMAND respect from her (without losing your cool). She'll catch on. When I get really frustrated and wonder if I am going to survive all of the drama, sometimes I have to back off and remember that I really only have her 6 more years and I need to do my best and make the most of it.
I believe that it is never to late to work on a relationship. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about being the mom. You have to create guidelines and boundaries and make her live by the rules. But in the meantime, you might have to swallow hard and bite through your tongue when you really want to let her have it. The more angry I am when I am talking to my daughter, the more deaf she becomes.
My sister is a single parent and that is a whole different ballgame (and not an easy one!). My hat goes off to you. But you have to hold to your guns. If you set a consequence for a behavior, you need to stick with it. Don't find yourself in a guilt trip over what you feel you can't do for your kids because you have to work to support them and dad does more "fun" things with them. My sister is in this trap.
Take it one step at a time. Set aside some time to start getting a closer relationship. It might be a trip to the mall or even to Sonic for some icecream! Good luck