Trouble with My Teenage Daughter

Oh my goodness can I ever relate. I have 2 teenage daughters, and a disabled son, 16, 15 and 6 (respectively). The girls will not do anything unless I nag and nag and nag. As far as the boyfriend thing, I would seriously continue to limit that, let her be as mad as she wants, children now a days are way to serious, way to early. I have decided that until they do the chores that they are supposed to do when they are supposed to be done they can not talk on the phone, use the computer, go anywhere or have anyone over. It was a struggle in the beginning however, after about 4 weeks it has paid off and they know, if the chores don't get done, they don't even ask because they know the answer will be no.
Good Luck!!!
Jenn.......

This is totally normal. I have a 13 year old granddaughter and my daught has the same concern. Something she has found that helps is a "girls night" every week or two. This is going for ice cream, watching a "chick" flick and eating popcorn, doing nails, etc. It really does get better when they are about 21......

We have been blessed with kids who do not complain - I think it is because if they complained, they either had something taken away that they were looking forward to having/doing or they got more chores to do!

We all work together - knowing someone has to do it - then we parents have more time to do things for the kids - take them places or whatever - they've been told that, too - it probably made a big difference in the amount that they complained.

Hi, I have a 15 yr old daughter as well. And in comparison this is all normal... Frankly if my daughter isn't complaining she isn't speaking. Most people I have talked to say it will get better when she's about 30! LOL! I have a co-worker that says that this is all God's plan... if they were sweet and wonderful in these pre-adult years, you 'd want them to stay home forever and they'd never complete the adult process. The more difficult and challenging these years are the more ready you are for their adulthood!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't see it yet!!

Have you seen the poem title "Mean Mom" that's been floating around the internet for the past 8 or 9 years? Do a google search and I'm sure you'll find it. I have it printed out and taped to the wall of my home office. I read it whenever I start to feel guilty about being so tough on my kids. They aren't teens yet, but they sure act like it some days. The poem is basically "thanks, mom, for being so mean when I was a child"... being 'mean' about things like curfews, chores, dating restrictions, etc.

Just realize that she is normal. No teen likes to do anything! I am on my 5th teen. Here are my words of wisdom. Do not take anything that she says or does personally. She will do her best to push your buttons. I have learned that you will never win by getting dragged into an arguement. State what you need to say, listen to her objection, consider is, restate what you need to say. They when she tries to bate you into an argument - walk away. Lock yourself in the bathroom if needed, but you will never win at arguing - and that is exactly what she wants.

Chores - be firm. It is so easy to give in. I have been so bad at that, and you will pay the price if you are not firm. Let them be late to practice or make a friend wait to leave if her room is not done. She will yell and scream, but she will learn where the boundaries are.

Do not feel embarassed to want to talk to parents to verify plans. I used to feel that was not a cool thing to do, and then my 4th child got draging into a world of drugs and lying. If I had been more proactive, he would have had a harder time getting away with things.

Just do your best to stay connected. Realize that they go into what I call 'the dark period' when they want nothing to do with you or the family. But that will end. It begins to improve as they get a job, can drive and begin to feel more independent. By thier 20's - they will return to the flock and want to watch a movie with you and go to the pool.

Good luck surviving the next few years! I have 3 now in their 20's, a 17 and 15 year olds and now a 4 and 2 year old - so I am all over the board!

I have an 18 year old daughter, 15, 12 & 6 year old son. One thing that I am doing differently with my 12 and 15 year old is encouraging them & putting them in situations where they can serve others...Miracle League, Mission Trips, Feeding the poor. I found a church nearby who has a great teen missions program. Often teens only have themselves to think about. I think it helps for them to see that there are many who need their help and that many do not have as much as they do.

I also have a 16 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. they both give me hassles about everything, but i stand firm. i hear almost everyday that nobody else has the limits i have. i don't allow texting, i don't allow mtv, they are only allowed out one weekend night, and only until 10:30 or 11. i must meet all there friends, and i have on occasion called my child and asked to speak to a parent. (they are not allowed over someones house if a parent is not home) i also get alot of grief because i do stay at home, so we don't have what everyone else has (you know keeping up the the Jones) but when it comes down to whose house everyone wants to be at, it is ours. i talk to my kids, and listen, i also talk and listen to their friends. you would be surprised how many parents just give their kids money instead of talking to them. so i say, stand firm, it is your job to protect her. she is not old enough to know how to handle the peer pressure of sex, drugs and alcohol. i really believe that even the strongest teenager can weaken when they are constantly bombarded.

just a side note, a very effective form of discipline for a teenager is no electricity. that means no tv, cell phone, computer, radio, ipod, pretty much everything they hold near and dear. Start with an hour, i have on occasion gone to an entire day. another thought, is for chores, give a time frame. but if it is not done in the time frame, take away something, or try the no electricity.
Good luck

Teens have to complain. Let her. Then say, I know you don't like it, but that is the rule and if it is not followed, you will stay in your room the rest of the day, or be grounded for a week, etc. Then let her have the last word, and just walk away.

If you give in, she will lose her respect for you. And she will not feel as cared for. I have raised 3 kids, been through it 3 times.

do you ever spend one on one time with her or praise her for her chores? I remember wehn my almost 17 year old was complaining about everything -- I started spending one on one time with her and she became more appreciative of all the things that I do for her a parent and then started helping out more around the house without being asked.

I also have a 15 yr old daughter. It's been a bumpy ride with her to say the least. She used to be such a happy little thing. Now you never know what you're going to get. She refuses to do chores, tells me that I cannot tell her what to do, and is constantly complaining because she doesn't have a cell phone, (or enough jeans, etc.) She is starting to improve somewhat, but I still have moments when she will throw a hissy fit when I tell her she can't do something. She is starting to drive now, so that is a priviledge we take away when she acts up. I try to focus on the good points. She doesn't have problems with drugs, doesn't smoke or drink and has nice friends. She's intelligent and gets good grades.
Most of the people I talk to tell me that this is a difficult age, and they went through it with their teenage daughters. They all tell me it will pass and I just need a lot of patience. It is tough though because I work full-time and have that stress added to it. She also hates her step-father and I have their bickering to deal with as well!
We could probably start a support group for women with teenage daugthers! I bet there would be a lot of members! :)

Hi L.,
I have an almost 15 step son, very same problems. He seems to have digressed to a seven year old in both maturity and intelligence. People keep telling methis is normal "hormonal" teenage stuff. I can't even get him to clean up his breakfast mess anymore. My brother is a high school teacher and told me to be patient, it's like squeezing them through a small long tube, but he did promise, a mature responsible person would pop out the other end!(apparently parents call him all of the time crying about the same problems!)

L., the next time she asks you to take her somewhere,
buy something, wash something she needs in the morning, say
"no, I don't really want to do that" When she asks why, ask
her, "Why should I?" You never want to do anything I ask of
you. And then by all means: DON'T DO IT! It may take a
few times but I'm betting you'll get some cooperation
before too long.

Nothing unusual about her behavior.
Just maintain your standards of behavior and supervision.
It is not easy but you will not regret all the frustration.
We raised 4 daughters and they did not get away with much.
And don't let her disrespect you like so many of today's parents do.
It is not an easy world to have teenagers in, believe me.
They want boundaries but would never admit it to you.
I always told my kids that they were welcome to blame me if they had to explain to their friends why they could not do something or other.
And I also told them that if they were stupid enough to get arrested not to call me and expect me to get them out of it!

i finally understood why my parents were so strict about boys, dating, kissing, sex, etc... when i watched a movie about teen pregnancy and adoption options at church. I realized that my parents just wanted to protect me from that awful nightmare and I was so glad I would never get pregnant until i got married and wanted a baby, because I was following the rules my family had!! it really helped me understand that they weren't doing it because they hated me or wanted to punish me and make my life boring... it was because they cared about me and my life enough to give me guidelines to make good choices.

just some reflections on what made sense to me as a teenager. good luck. my best advice would be to pray about it for guidance. think how many teenagers god has watched grow up... ;) he knows what to do...

I have a 13 yr old daughter. I have issues about most anything with her. Most of the time I get complaints when asking her to do something as simple as picking up her bookbag so I know what you are going through. I am not an experienced mom but I have learned to pick my battles. It helps with the stress and we have less arguments. I don't agree with the boyfriend at this age but each parent has their own way. I do not plan for mine to have a boyfriend until at least 16. One thing I have learned to do with my own child is to ask her what kind of person she would like to be. I ask her to explain it to me. Then I give her examples of how the rules help her to be like the person she wants to be. I also ask her (when we are talking and not arguing) why she argues/disagrees with me and for her to explain and see if I can do better also or if there is a compromise. I think by letting her help participate in ideas to help us do better together has made it easier for both of us and I think it has made a difference. I agree with the comments to stand your grown on your rules etc though. If you give in then she will probably keep on until she breaks you of other things as well. I don't know if any of my comments helped but I know reading everyone else's helps me. Thanks

Welcome to the teen years. I have two teenage sons, 17 & 15 and they both complain about the same things. I thought it was just my kids until I started talking to some other parents at church. I soon found out that almost all parents go through this with their teenagers. It's hard sometimes especiallly when you seem to be the only parent that lays down these kinds of ground rules but stick with it. Slowly but surely I am hearing from my boys that their friends whose parents don't have the same rules and restrictions as our boys are getting into trouble, some of them much worse trouble than others. I also enjoy hearing from my boys that some of their friends are getting caught doing the same stupid things that my boys do and that they are getting the same kind of punishment that we dish out. Good luck and know that you are not alone!

This is not my favorite stage of their lives either. I have a almost 15 year old boy and he is the same way. It doesn't take nothing to set him off on his know it all attitude. And if the word "no" comes out of my mouth, I am a royal you know what. I was a brat as a teenager though, so I know that one day this part will be over. Hang in there.

I have a 16 yr old girl {after 5 boys}. She is the same way. I have heard from my friends that this is normal. If she gets mouthy though I won't put up with it. Or that attitude!!!! Girls have this attitude that their poop doesn't stink! I really can't stand that. If it gets too bad, I make her get up extra early in the morning. I'm up early, so she knows I'll check. She's not involved in much besides church things, so it's hard to ground her.

L.
i know exactly what yours talking about and i do think its a normal teenage thing, my daughter is pretty sure i was put on this earth to make her life miserable and she sure can make mine hectic, i just deal with her on a day to day basis and make her do what ever it is I expect of her, it may take a second of talking to her and then she finaly does it, even if she makes me raise my voice , which she often does.
But in the end i always end up on top and she does what i tell her even if i get a headache in the process.
Dont get me wrong stacy has her good qualities to but i do think being difficult is what teenagers do and when they get a bit older they start to be more understanding and considerate...

Hello my name is Cindy. I have a 18 year old daughter, 12 year old daughter, and a soon to be 9 year old son with a disability.

We do reward and chore charts for my son, so we include the girls also. They don't do the chores take everything off of them. I have taken everything out of their room except clothes and bed. This is not fun for a 15 year old.

I wish I could say it will get better but it won't until they go to college and to come home again. It is easier with bribes.

L.,
I am a 52 yr old mother of 3 daughters who I currently like a lot better than I did when they were teenagers!!! Of course, I always Loved them...just didn't like the way they acted and especially the way they talked to me. They are now 26, 29, and 30. I found that I had to pick my battles with them and give them some control over things that really didn't matter as much as I thought they did. By doing that, I had a little more leverage and they didn't feel that they weren't being allowed to make any decisions for themselves. This is the time for her to be learning how to make good decisions while she has your guidance. Too heavy of a hand just makes them rebel more but of course no discipline doesn't teach them anything. I tried to tell them exactly why I didn't want them to do certain things. Telling them "Because I said so" just made them want to do them more. And, I always tried to make them feel comfortable about coming to me to talk about ANYTHING. Of course, things were not perfect, but they turned out to be pretty cool adults.

She's 14 she is a teenager.Teenagers complain about everything even if it doesn't effect them.If she complains about her chores just stop her spending money, no chores no money.Bed time hey regardless to how late you stay up you are going to school, church etc. Almost 15 and has a boy friend ? That is scarey in itself.Don't argue with her, you tell her theway it is and if she can't follow your rules then there are
other juveniles who would love to have a mom who cares. hang in there.

For starters, my daughter will not be allowed to have a boyfriend at 14. I wasn't allowed to and followed the rules, she won't be allowed to either.

When did she stop wanting to do chores?
I would say there's an over all sound of rebellion in her attitude.

I can guarantee you all teens go through it, I did, that is defying the rules and limitations, but I believe you can gain it back by putting your foot down firmly. No chores, she can't leave the house or drive the car or whatever she likes to do ;)

hang on for the ride L. my daughter is now a freshman in college and will turn 19 in april..from the ages of 15-18, i thought i would never survive, and wondered where my sweetie pie daughter went. stick by your rules, and she will respect you for it (unfortunatley, not now)

It sounds like your daughter needs an attitude adjustment. If you let her have her own way and let her act like you owe her something, things will only get worse the older she gets. That attitude may have been cute at 3 yrs old but not now. You have to see that the way she acts towards you is disrespectful and totally not cool. Since she's 15, you can't just discipline her and send her to her room. You have to talk to her about this, let her know how this makes you feel to be treated with disrespect. Then you're going to have to make her life a little less comfortable. If she whines about doing chores, she's probably not doing enough around the house to help you. Since you mentioned going to church, I'm going to assume you believe in God. That said, remind her what God says about honoring her father and mother. Ultimately, you want to build a good relationship with her, but that will never happen as long as she is allowed to have a bad attitude. I'm sure her friends play a big part in this as well. Be loving, be firm. She'll respect you for it.

I know this isn't any help but she sounds just exactly like my 15 year old daughter (and my 13 year old daughter). If you ask them to do anything it is as if you have asked them to complete the impossible. If you find something that works to help disperse this problem please share.
Best of Luck,
D.

i have 2 grown sons and have started a second family (2 sons and 7 gran kids and adopted a noe 41/2 yrold) all i can say is that in today world use the old fashion values and keep the limits and even though it is tough she will thank you later on in life but at 15 she will hate you but it is just all of growing up just remind her she will one day get hers 10 folds when she has kids so tell her to be careful,but plan the special time with her even if it is just you and her going to dinner make sure at this age she feels special and you appreciate her following the rules when she doesnt then there comes the punishment no computer,cell,tv,home phone, or friends etc and stick to punishment she will respect you even though you dont think so she is testing you. Kids do want bounderies as well as freedom as she matures with limits she gains more freedom it all balances out just remember you love her and it is for her you are doing this. If all fails explain to her you brought her into this world and you can take her out, just kidding but i use to say it alot to mine. have a great day.