HELP!!! With Teenager

It is never too late to develop a good relationship. Keep trying. Mine are a bit younger, yet. I try to reherse old memories with them, and remind htem of the fun we had.

Vitamin B-6 helps me with depression, 500 mg, 2 if you feel real bad. The entire B-complex is supposed to help, but my experience is that B-6 is the magic one. Maybe the girls could use some too. They've been through a lot too.

Dear Sharon,YOU ARE A GOOD MOM !!!
WOW, 3 girls! What a blessing ! Right now it may not seem like it! My dear, you are in Hormone City as your girls grow up, where the emotions run wild and out of control sometimes. Kids that age have to separate from their parents and determine who they are. They also fire their parents as managers like when they were kids and hire us as consultants when they choose. It was tough for me when my daughter was that age 15/16, but I determined to be her parent and keep her safe no matter what, and be consistant and LOVE HER THROUGH IT. A year or 2 later I was a dorm parent for about 10 high school girls (including my daughter) and I determined just to love them through those tough times and remain firm. Do you know I am friends with these girls,and my daughter, to this day and that was 8 years ago ! YOU CAN DO THIS ! The teenagers themselves say that what they want most is more time with their parents, especially the same sex parent. Take the oldest out for lunch or just a snack at Starbucks. Talk to her and ask for her help in cleaning the house,etc. They say as the first child goes, so the others follow. She may feel left out because you have to spend so much time with the 2 year old. Communication of love is the key, but you are still the PARENT for a little longer. The situation will change in a about 5 years or so.
When kids grow up and leave the house they realize the love and sacrifice of their parents. Give yourself a break. You are doing a great job. It takes time to grow up. Be patient with your girls, they will take care of you later.
All the best to you,
Mama K., mom of one daughter,25, and three sons,22,19,16

OMG --- that sounds all too familiar to me. I have two children from my first marriage and your story really hit home!!! I was right back there with you!!! The exact thing happened to me after I divorced their Father. I was the worst Mom ever......I couldn't do anything right....he was always the hero and it took A LOT to NOT tell them what a pig their Dad was.....the stories I was always on the verge of telling them but I would stop myself because, and I am not sure how I rationalized this but, I knew that in 10 years he would still be their Father. Kids grow up and they remember things.....so, I bit my tongue --mainly because I KNEW that one day when they grew up (they are now 27 and 25) they would finally see the real man. I knew once they were grown and out on their own, they would see who was really there for them all those years. So, if I could give you any advice it would be to just keep your mouth shut if possible and I PROMISE one day all of those hurtful things they say to you will make the hair on the back of their neck stand up with shame when they remember....the thing is, they are just being kids. He's the HERO, you are the ZERO right now but trust me, that will change....I promise.
Its so tough trying to raise teenagers but you can't afford to be their 'friend'.....that is a recipe for disaster!! Someone has to teach them how to be good human beings...and while they will not appreciate it now, again, I say to you.....this too shall pass and you will be thankful that you held on to the discipline rope!!!
Take care.

J.

ok here it goes! This is just me but I would say develop thicker skin. You aren't going to get along with any teenager unless you are giving them their way 24/7. It's just several years that you have to make it through. I speak from experience. Also keep in mind that you are both female and you are going to bump heads all the time especially if you are both near your times of the month. Start tracking that so you can give each other space. Seriously! I knew that about my daughter because of her sassy attitude and if I pointed it out - in a nice way - she was able to keep herself in check better.
I have found that when I ask nicely I get nothing. When I rule with the do it in this amount of time or no tv - they move fast! Not only do they move fast they become incredibly nice. Kids need boundaries. Just get yourself a whistle and a chore list. If my daughter told me that she had no good memories I might have to send her to her room with a paper and pen and tell her not to come out until she thought of some. Ditch the guilt! They need you and if they see a sign of weakness you're in trouble. Regroup and come back in full force. They will get it when they are adults with their own kids and not until then. You are in for a long trip so take a deep breath.

Dear Sharon,

My parents told me that parenthood would be full of frustrations and challenges, but that they would eventually move out. :) They also told me that if my daughter didn't tell me at least once or twice that she hated me, then I was doing something wrong. She's only ten right now, so I haven't hit that hurdle yet, but I know it's coming. I remember the things I used to say to and about my parents, and believe me, they were not pretty. I can also tell you that this morning, I told my mom that I admired her strength and grace in the face of adversity, and that I was proud to call her "mom". (At which point SHE griped at ME for making her cry. But I meant every word of it.) I idolize my father as well. My parents didn't do everything right by any means, but they did the best they could, and most importantly, they stuck to their guns even when I am sure they wanted to cave in just to keep the peace. Looking back now, I am so very glad they didn't cave. You are doing your best, and even though your daughters would probably die before admitting it at this point in their lives, they love you for it. Continue to stay strong and remain in control, and eventually you'll be rewarded. Not too much advice, I guess, but hopefully you find some support and encouragement here.

Wishing you the best,
M.

Oh I remember those days when I treated my mother like a second class help. Be patience, stick to your rules and guidelines, but listen to her. Don't give in, or they'll learn that she just needs to be hurtful and you'll give in. But I also remember the difference between my mother and father (who I was close to as a teenager) is that my father always gave me reasonable explanations for his action, and rules. This made me less defensive.

The good news, its gets easier. My mother is now my best friend, and at about 22 or so I realized how much she was trying to protect me, and how she really did save me from making mistakes that would hurt me forever, and I'm greatful, and I now run almost everything by her. It's a really hard time for both the mother and teenagers.

It's gets better, and they will thank you. Believe me, I made my mother cry many of times, and now, it breaks my heart when I think of, I tell her all the time how greatful I am that she did not give in.

Until then, hold on for the ride of your and their lives.

Hi Sharon,

I am sure like most of us with teens and looking back on my own I remember giving my parents a headache or two. Well first things first. You cant love others if you dont love yourself first. Mood swings will get the best of us. There is a natural product call Vitex it helps balance out the hormones and there is no side effects it made from the catus fruit. Its only 7.00 you can get at any health store. The girls-communication is important but you have to be mom first before friend and you have to be willing to listen as well. Believe it or not parents can get on thier teen nerves and vise versa, but you have to ask why are you getting on each others nerves, look behind the curtain and be honest not only with yourself, but with them as well. Change is hard no matter what the age is, but you have to find common ground. Your not the only mom who feels like this. Fist things first find out why this is happening. Sometimes you dont realize what your doing and tell you talk about it. Find out what will work your family and work on it and keep working on it. Things will get better but everyone has to try. Have a family dinner and talk about things, be calm. When the girls make you mad and you feel like your fixen to scream turn around and walk off. Talk when things are calm and collect. You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Also it helps when you yourself have an outlet do something for yourself and then do something with your family.

This has nothing to do with you or anything you did or did not do during their childhoods. Teenagers will go through this and will have a phase of hating one or both parents no matter what the parents do. It's not your job to "make everyone happy." It's your job to be a responsible parent and provide a safe home for your children. It's hard, but you must not take their words and actions personally. They are responding to the role you play in their lives, not who you are as a person. Try your best to ignore their hurtful remarks, and continue doing your job as their mother. When they grow out of this, and they will, they will appreciate you one day. It may take years, and it may not be until they have their own children and realize what a hard job you have.

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear what you're going through! Don't blame yourself. I taught middle school for 4 years and had to resign this year because I couldn't stand the thought of going back to those teenagers. They are just on hormonal overload! Not to mention the society they are living in today doesn't help. It's all about attitude and talking back for them. I'm wondering also if the school she attends or friends she has may be influencing her as well.I've seen good ones go bad that way. You are probably going to have to set up some pretty strict consequences and also give some pretty good rewards for behavior and chores. Just be consistant. Make a chart and write down everything, each chore, talking back, homework , being responsible, etc.. Be sure to catch her doing well and reward that. As for sending her to live with her father, depends,.. would he be a good disciplinarian as well, if not, it may just get worse. I don't know if you're religious at all , but church is another thing many of todays teens are missing. I notice a distinct difference in those that attend and are involved. Another thing is doing stuff together,things she likes do. Try taking B100 complex daily for yourself , it helps calm your nerves. Hope this helps! I feel for you!!!

I have the same exact problem with my 15 year old. Teenagers are horrible. I wanted to give mine up to her father also, but I know I'll regret it later and it would only be out of anger. You just need to start being selfish. I know it's hard to do, but believe me it works. Once they see it's not all about them then they'll start realizing who is the boss. When you get mad it makes them happy, so DON'T. You're only hurting yourself.

Hi Sharon - First ..know that it is very common for teenage girls to NOT get along with their Moms. Of course this does not make you feel any better but at least you know that you are not alone! It is good that you recognize that you are playing a part by yelling. Once you are out of control and start screaming and yelling, that is the only thing that your daughter will focus on so, you have to stop doing it. You can still get your point across without yelling. I would sit down with her and tell her that you realize that you have not been handling things well by yelling and that you plan on not doing it anymore (do not blame her for "making" you yell though - take complete ownership of getting out of control and tell her that you will not do it anymore). This does not mean that you are going to allow her to get away with things - sit down and plan some things that you expect her to do to earn privileges (clean room, bathroom, dishes, take out trash etc...) and let her know that if she does not do her part that she will have consequences but that you will not yell about it!

Remember - your job is to be her parent and to send her out into the world ready to make good choices and to be a contributing part of society. You want her to be someone with strong values and principles and who other people want to be around. Tell her that and that you love her very much and that you will do everything you can to make sure she is ready to face the world!

Good Luck!

Sharon
This is normal for teenagers. I found that my teens want a Mom not a friend. We also have family time. We will sit down and let them choose what will happen when they refuse to do as requested. I know they are teenagers but they go no where with out me taking them. I make it clear if they want hair done, want to go to their friends house they must do as I requested. We have fun but when they forget I am not their friend but their Mother I quickly let them know. We will be friends after they leave home but for now I can only train them and love on them.
I also have problems with yelling. I give myself a time out. I go do what I just told them to do but when they ask for something I say no. I remind them I ask for something and they yelled at me and did not do it. I repect them and do things for them, I also expect repect from them.

Hope this helps
R.

All the answers you've received so far are correct. Teenagers need a mom not a friend, it's tough for the mom but just get used to the idea that they probably won't like you for a while...hang in there it WILL get better. Try instead of yelling to just step back and get a hold of yourself and try to talk in a calm voice ( that's hard,I'm a yeller too.) Anyway best of luck and when the going gets tough, call a friend and talk. Remember, you're a great mom, but we don't always have great kids at the time, just keep reminding yourself that you are a wonderful mom.
Blessings,
D.

Don't give up, but also try not to lose your cool. Think back on when you were a teenager and how you felt. Try to understand their perspective, which I know you have. Try to recognize your mood swings and thinkyour way through them. Good luck and know we are thinking about you.

First, Sharon, you are a fabulous mother!

They say mean things to you because they know you'd never leave them. They trust your love so profoundly that they don't stop themselves from abusing you. Twisted, I know, but that's what the teen years are.

Remember: This too shall pass. And one day they'll make you crumble with professions of gratitude. But first they must grow and eventually they'll be where you are and they'll need your advice. Then you'll be the best mom ever. Because you didn't give up on them.

Motherhood is tough and sometimes you have to squint hard to see the joy in it, but it is always there. You're in good company and you're doing a great job. Don't let them convince you otherwise!

I feel for you as I went through some of the same things with one of my daughters and it is just exhausting. The responses you have gotten are very right on but I want to stress being a parent is not always a popularity contest. Sure you want credit for raising your children as a single parent, that certainly was not easy. I did the same and I got upset when my daughter said things like "this really affected me, I have issues with this, you always did this" how soon they forget to realize what you went through and the struggles etc. to make sure they had a roof over their head and food on the table. I am sure you made some mistakes along the way, we all do, being a parent is not all that easy but it is rewarding. I thought we would never get past those teenage years and today my daughter is a mother herself and it is funny how now I am the most knowledgable person in the world and she calls me everyday and she is now a single parent raising two children and she has now come to realize the struggles of life. Hopefully your daughter will out grow this attitude one day and will become an adult, until then you need to lay down rules and they must obey these rules. I know exactly what you are going through but I have to ask, I know he is their step-father but does he support you or let the kids run over you? Does your ex support you? Yelling and screaming is not the answer at all but I fully understand that they will get you to that point and that is exactly what they want to do, that way they can call you nuts or unfair. Do as the others have said, no yelling. Learn to stress your rules and if they argue walk away. Watch her closely though as you don't want her sneaking out at night and God only knows what they do but be patient. It might be a phase but you have to keep a tight reign on her and tell her you love her and don't want to argue with her but she will go by the rules of the house or she will have to move out. Trust me she doesn't want to move out and if she wants to go live with her father, so be it. It would be hard for a few weeks but you will adjust and trust me she will eventually be calling wanting to come back home and if she doesn't then maybe that is what is best for her. But you have other children to consider as well and your health and sanity. Remember the yelling and screaming and constant chiaos isn't good for the other children. You two will come to respect each other, it will just take time.
You do not say where you live but I know the name of a great child pshycologist who will always work with anyone and will charge what you can afford if you do not have insurance that will cover such visits. He has done wonders for my grandchildren who are going through their parents divorce. It is so rare to find someone who understands and works with families because they truly believe in helping the children and do not put money as the top priority. Respond to me if you would like his name.
Good Luck to you and hang in there, I know it will get better which ever direction your daughter takes. Living with you or her father.

Hello Sharon,

It seems that you and your children have lost a general sense of respect !!
You should start a new routine and pray each day together. You need to pray for forgiveness and patience (in front of them), They need to hear that you are struggling too and then they may feel compelled to straighten up and help out.
I guarantee that family prayer time is a healer and a bond builder.
They are angry about something...or nothing (just teenagers) but they will not confide in you unless you confide in them,
Respect respect respect.
Good Luck

Morning Sharon;

Frist of all, "YOU" haven't done anything wrong!

What your daughters are doing is actually the norm today and
that is sad! You see, they get these "Pier" pressures at school that they are supposed to be "Independent" and that
their parents are not helping them!! The other thing and this
you must watch for is drugs! I know, my kid would never do drugs! But, THEY DO!!! We went thru this with 2 boys and they
didn't grow out of it till they were in their middle twenties.

Now, losing your temper and yelling>>>that is conditioned refleck and that you must change, because that is what they want you to do!! It gives them an excuse for hating you!
The next time one of them gives you "Attitude" just do everything in your power to keep from getting mad and yelling!
Go totally the other way, be NICE! Say things that you know
will irritate her, like "Poor Baby" "Your So Mistreated"!
Then in a calm voice say, let me see you cell phone, when you
have it, then say thanks, you can have it back in a week!
Every time you refuse to help here in the house, it will cost you another day with out it!!
REMEMBER DO NOT LOSE YOUR TEMPER, DO NOT YELL, by doing that
you will be breaking what they want you to do and you will become more in control!
Good Luck,
B. C.

I used to teach school just outside Chicago and my principal had this theory: there are mass murderers, mafia hit men, drig kingpins and 8th grade girls! They all have no conscience and are the meanest people on earth. Take a deep breath-you are not a bad mom or even a bad person. You are the mother of a teenage girl. I usually tell people that babies are God's way of apologizing for teenagers. Babies being so sweet and precious and teenagers being so difficult. You have the right to ask anyone who lives in the house to help you around the house. You have the right to be treated with respect. She knows how to push your buttons and it sounds as if she is doing just that. Try not to yell-keep your voice calm and repeat your request. She will continue to push you every step of the way. The good news is that they do grow up and the situation changes. I recommend you get a small notebook and keep a journal-to keep track of good and bad days and specific situations. You are the parent so don't be afraid to discipline, but be firm and fair. Don't let her steal your joy with the 22 month old either. Hang in there!

Dear Sharon,
You do have a relationship with your daughters. It just sounds like it is not an easy one. The issues you describe almost all parents see with teenagers. For me, that was the most difficult time with them. They are testing the boundaries with you, at school, and society. The 14yr old is trying to hurt you (and she obviously has) by saying she hates you and has no good memories of you or her childhood. It is not unusual for teens to say they hate their parents or they accuse parents of trying to ruin their lives when boundaries are set. Have you tried talking to the school counselor? There are many good books to help you learn what they are going through and why they act so miserable. You are not a failure. Please stop beating yourself up. You will not improve your situation by making yourself feel worse. I have no ready answers, only to say that it can be a long hard row. You are not alone in this. Many parents try to please their children with "things" or allow them to do what ever they want. Neither are good responses. Ask them to list the 5 main things they want from you. You list the 5 most important things to you. Go over them one by one, like a contract. Some things they want are unreasonable and not good for them either. (Like: go anywhere I want, have no curfew, have no responsibilities). Make up a contract that you both agree to with the compromises and consequences that will happen if the guidelines are not met. Use whatever they value--friend time, talking on the phone, computer, games, etc. for leverage. If they are disrespectful to you, a priviledge is denied. You do not "owe" those things to them, they are earned. It takes the whole family working together to make it run smoothly. The contract could be signed by both of you and posted on the back of the kid's bedroom door. That helps you not to go over and over what's been decided. "Check your contract" is less volatile than, "How many times do I have to tell you...". Don't give up. In a few years, they and you will be glad you stuck it out.
Blessings, C.

When you have talked with other people about teenagers they am sure all went ugggggg. They were right. Mine drove me over the wall. But I can true fully say that they did grow up to be good people. They changed around 19-20 When they found out that I was not the stupid person that they thought I was. They only advice that I can give is stick it out they are worth it. They are listening to some of their friends and their friends are still going through that change of life, also. Try is have some time to do something with each child go shopping out to eat, or just sit down and talk. Listen do not judge this may also give you some insight as to what is going on in their head. GOOD LUCK BEEN THERE AND IT WAS NOT FUN.

It's certainly not too late. I was a good kid but an only child and independent. I certainly didn't think my mom was cool during my middle and high school years and had a bad attitude when she tried to talk to me or tell me to do something. But when I moved off to college everything changed. I appreciated my parents. I have a good relationship with them now, and I absolutely cherish them. Remember that it's not your role to befriend them right now. That will come later. Just continue loving them, serving them, and being a good example of what a mom/lady should be. And prayerfully, they will wake up in their late teens or early twenties. May the peace of Christ be yours in this time.

I am embarrassed to say that I said some horrible things to my mother when I was a teenager. I had a poor sense of self, low self esteem, uncertain in who I was. I don't know if that played into it but it all brings up the same emotions when I think back on it so I think it's all related in some way.

My mother and I have a wonderful relationship now. We talk on the phone several times a week, almost every day. I'm 32 now and we've been on great terms for years. She never gave up on me. Don't worry, she lost her cool a few times but it didn't scar either of us and she should have lost it more. Just keep it to a minimum and be sure to give her space as well as structure.

On behalf of all ill behaved teenagers everywhere, I am sorry. My own mother has gotten a call on more than one occasion to apologize for something I said or did and to thank her for things she said and did. It gets better!

Hi Sharon,
I am a single mom so from one single parent to another I just want you to know alot of us understand. I know it gets scary on here sometimes what someone might answer but it sounds like your kids know they are loved are they wouldn't be lashing out at you. When we are in the middle its hard to see things but yes its hard on these kids when their father walks out. So we as mothers try to make it up to them and worry about being to friendly and if they love us. These kids know that so they learn to push buttons. I have a 21 yr old daughter and now that she's grown I look back and see the picture now. Don't let them talk to you like that and when they act like they are going to leave or whatever just be strong and don't be threatened by those words. As soon as they realize mom's not giving in they'll get the picture. If you want your daughters to want to be around you, you have to demand respect and be a respectable person. Do you know what I mean? If you act out of control thats not a respected action. We teach our kids what we expect. If you expect that they'll be your shopping buddy when they are grown then you set rules now that they come out of their rooms and visit as a family, and don't let them make plans every weekend without some family time too. We have to set those values now. Don't be a do it all expect them to do their part as a family. If she starts yelling then ground her, if she threatens to move out say either way your not talking to me like that and she better have a good plan because to live in your house you don't back talk, you do your part in this family, and you go to school or go to work. As soon as she sees she can't push buttons she'll stop. I promise you your kids are much happier and secure with rules and when they are grown they'll want to be your friend. If you are out of control it makes them more insecure and theyll build up anger they don't need a friend they need a mom. trust me I have two daughters and two sons and my oldest two got away with more than the youngest two because I've been divorced a while now and I've found my since of security who I am and lol the two oldest were trial and error lol just kidden but I just wanted you know I've been there so I'm not trying to be harsh with you just being your cheerleader.

Dear Sharon,
I am a grandmother aged 50 raising my 8 yr old grandson. I have raised 6 children(3 of my own and 3 of my brothers and sisters). First thing- RELAX!!!!!! You ARE doing a good job. The whole point of being a good parent is not to have children as your friends ( as teenagers if they DON'T hate you then you are doing something wrong!) I know that sounds horrible but time will prove this path right. Girls are way more emotional than boys (raging hormomal hell)and trying to reason with them as "normal people" just doesn't work at this stage. You are not what they are really out of sorts with-you are just the "comfortable & safe" target. Be there for them when they want to talk, pay attention to whats going on in their lives & watch for red flags but don't expect them to like you very much for awhile. More than anything they want boundarys at this time (even though they will deny it to the end of time). You are the one constant in a crazy time for them. They will test you over and over to see if they can depend on you being consistant. Don't back down and don't give up. The good news is that you are not crazy and probably don't need meds,just a break now and then. I too did not think I would survive teenage-trauma the first time around but they do grow out of it. Give it time and they will thank you for bring there for them and even though it seems impossible right now- you will be the best of friends on the other side.20 to 25 years old and they revert to being the loving appreciative happy people you raised.All of my children have had conversations with me about that time in life and actually apologized for being soooo much of a smartmouthed know-it-all stubborn pain in the ---! Then the most amazing part of all is when they said you should have been harder on us! Go figure!!! As to "no good times-memories" I laughed out loud. I heard that one repeatedly (it inflicted much guilt angst and sense of failure at the time) but now there are always stories about when we did this or that and what a good childhood they had.lol. just hang in there!!!!
p.s.- My oldest son, who was a single father, passed away last year and he requested that his son be raised by us. I think this says it all.

This is totally normal, especially with single parents, newly remarried parents, new siblings, etc. You might consider talking to a minister if your insurance will not cover a psychologist. Just know that as your teen grows up and matures, it will be amazing the changes in their life. At this stage in their life they are trying to discover who they are, what they want, how things in life will work for them. Even though your daughter says now, 'no happy memories' or 'hate you' it isnt really what they are feeling. They lash out at whoever is closest to them. My son just turned 20 and I would like to say it is finally wonderful, but it's not there yet. However, it is a million times better than it has been in last five or six years. You are right in that the yelling doesnt help. The hardest thing for me to learn was to not yell when I wanted to scream my head off... pray instead. Walk away, go to your room, and pray... clear your head and ask for peace. God is amazing and full of grace that is our's for the asking. I will keep you and your family in my prayers as well.

Your daughter doesn't have the right to critique your parenting. My daughter does the same thing. To distract the attention from what she is doing, she sits in judgement of my parenting skills. Don't fall for it. You are a good mother in spite of her hateful words. My experience is that teenagers act just like two year olds when a new baby enters the scene. All parents need to put on their "thick skin" to survive the teenage years with their kids. They know us and know every trick in the book to manipulate us. We can only fight back by sucking all of the energy out of every argument. Don't feed the drama. I was a single mom too for quite a while and it hurt so bad when my daughter turned on me like a badger. My only way to deal with it was to respect myself enough to not allow her to rule the roost in my home. She did go live with her father for a while and the result of that was that all of a sudden he understood what I had been talking about. My daughter did eventually come back to me but I'll never be that naive again.

OK Sharon, remember when the kids were two and three? That is how you should treat them now. First of all, stop letting those children get you down. You are doing the best you can and everything you are experiencing is absolutely normal. I hated my parents too...strong-willed children tend to hate the most...my guess is that between your working and running the house, the oldest is feeling a little left out. Here is the deal, when your kids are three, they are struggling to find out who they are and how they fit into the family. They can do things for themselves that they used to depend on you for...putting on clothes, going potty, etc. It is the same now. Your daughter is not a child, nor is she an adult. She needs to feel loved AND needed. You should sit down and talk to her like an adult. Tell her that the things she has said to you have hurt your feelings and that you don't appreciate it. Tell her that everything you do, whether it is work all the time, or give her a curfew is because you love her. Tell her how much you love her, don't just assume that she knows. Try not to let this particular conversation turn into a fight, tell her what you have to tell her and end the conversation. A series of short, to-the-point conversations work best with a teenager's short attention span.

Maybe you can start giving her some more responsibility around the house. Tell her you really need her to help you, that you can't do everything yourself. Try to work together as a team. My Mother would leave ingredients and a really easy recipe on the counter when she left for work and would have me start dinner after school. Have her start earning an allowance, teens respond well to tangible rewards for their efforts. Set some time away each day to ask her about her day, or just to talk. Figure out what it is that you are fighting about...is it your rules, her behavior, school. Have some specific talks about those things. As for rules...let her set them for herself during a discussion and have her set the punishments (being reasonable).

I would say don't let her run away to her Dad, although the grass is always greener...if you just can not manage to get along no matter what, send her there for a while (but have a talk with him about trying to crack down harder on her so she will want to come back home).

I am sure you know, but this time period can set the stage for the rest of her life. You should try to keep her close...this is the time that she can easily turn to her friends, or a male "companion" who "understands her." Also, you can not give in to her or her "demands" because you have other children who are watching both of you closely. She needs to continue to receive love, support and moral guidance from a Mother so terrific, she asks for help when she needs it! Great job Mom!!! Hang in there, this too will pass.

You can't worry or control how they feel about you. Don't try to make them like you. Be their parent. Don't allow them to speak to you that way. Inforce the chores/rules. Make a point to have fun with them when you can. But, teenagers don't like their parents for the most part no matter what they do. If they like you, chances are you're doing something wrong - letting them drink, etc. Do get your temper under control. Ask for forgiveness when you do blow up. But, don't apologize for being their mom and a good one. They will come around when they are older, some earlier/later than others. Then, they will be great friends with you. But, for now, it seems like you're the enemy. That's ok. Deep down inside, they love you and long for you and your approval. But, they won't dare show it. Keep talking to them, keep praising them, keep lecturing them. They're listening, just pretending not to. If you keep control of yourself, provide reasonable rules and consistent, reasonable discipline, show affection/praise/love, then you are doing the right thing and they are just acting foolishly. If you are out of control, they don't feel loved/valued, no boundaries, no set/expected consequences, then they feel out of control and unloved. You will fail. When you do, admit it to them and ask for forgiveness. In the end, they will love you and honor you for it. Most of all, if you are a Christian, pray hard!

Remember, teenagers think the world revolves around them and you are creating a new life. They don't even know why they are acting like they are! It is just like an animal instinct. Spend some time with them-even if you have to force them to go on simple errands-you are too tired to drive, etc. Don't make it obvious. Some of the best talks happen in the car when there are no distractions like phones/tv/others interrupting.
I remember reading that when kids are at their most unloveable is when they need you the most. I used to tell my children when they were younger that the mean/grouchy people in life just didn't get enough hugs! Shock the heck out of them one day and when they start yelling, go hug them and tell them you will not stop until they quit yelling! I even told my daughter in Jr. Hi last week to try hugging the teacher she doesn't like very well for 2-3 days and see what happens. Bet it makes a change!!

You must take control of your actions NOW or you will not like the out come later. Children want to know you love enough to do the right thing for them no matter what--and that is staying focused. When you yell you put yourself on there level them they can look UP--you are their Mother and have a God given right to do what is in their best interest. You said YOU just want them to be happy!!! Yes and at some point they must understand to gow into a responsible adult you can not live depening on someelse to make you happy. They will remember you as a good Mom--when they get older. Teenage years are turbulant and everything is paramont. Love them unconditional-- stick to your rules, even if it hurts, make them accountable and teach them when all is lost their integerity is important.

They will respect you when they realize you love them enough to do what is right. Praying for you because this is not easy, but you will enjoy the outcome down the line.

Blessings--K.