How to Address Shirt Lifting Incident at School

More than likely it was completely innocent. They’re 6 so very inquisitive and impulsive.

I think the main thing to do is ask her questions to try to get more of an idea of what happened but not let on that you’re alarmed. Maybe “daddy told me something happened today with a boy and your shirt, can you help me understand what happened?” Listen and ask any questions as calmly as possible.

Then I would work with her on what to do when someone makes us uncomfortable. He stopped when she told him to. Good for both of them! She was assertive when she told him to stop. She may have been embarrassed (my daughter tends to get really angry/upset when embarrassed too) and tears are probably due to that.

I would praise her for telling him to stop. Empowering her to find her voice/courage to stand up to ANYONE who is making her uncomfortable or doing anything to her body without permission is important for sure.

After listening to her, I would then decide whether it’s important to talk to her teacher. I’m inclined to think that this will be an isolated incident. I might mention to the teacher “Clara came home quite upset telling me that George lifted her shirt. She told him to stop and he did, so I’m confident it won’t happen again. I just wanted to make you aware.” Then she knows to maybe keep a closer eye on interactions and remind all of the students to keep their hands to themselves.

The thing I hate about the times we live in is seemingly innocent things done by children get blown way out of proportion (like the kid that gets suspended for kissing a girl on the cheek in first grade).

There has to be some kind of common sense applied.

Good luck and I’m sorry this happened to your daughter.

Talk with her but let her lead the conversation, just ask her how she is feeling about it etc and make sure she knows she did nothing wrong. I would also talk to the teacher about it so that she can address the issue with the boy and his parents. At 6 this was clearly nothing sexual but he still needs to learn about consent and body autonomy.

first off, good for you and your husband. she came to you and that's exactly right.

bigger and better, she told the boy to stop, and must have done it with some forcefulness as he immediately complied. make sure she knows how excellent her reaction was. give yourselves a pat on the back while you're at it.

i wouldn't take this to the other kid's parents. it's almost certainly nothing sexually predatory.

wouldn't hurt to mention it to the teacher, but not in a 'i want this handled!!' sort of way. let the teacher know that your daughter handled it appropriately and you're just giving him a heads-up.

this would be a great time to do some role playing. your daughter did great and needs to know this. but maybe having some alternative tools in her tool box would empower her even more. and remind her that if she's uncomfortable and not getting the right results from her words, the teacher is the next stop.

khairete
S.

I had a call from my son's first teacher (one who made huge productions out of things unfortunately) about an incident involving him in kindergarten. She kept making it sexual and blew it way out of proportion.

I did the wrong thing. I drove home, pulled him out of after school care, and because I had it in my mind my son was this weirdo kid (based on this teacher's account), kind of lost it.

That was the last time I ever handled something like that.

This is likely non sexual and innocent (ETA: TtotheH makes a good point, it's not exactly innocent in that the boy needs to learn this is inappropriate and not acceptable). I would not call the parents because that would be making too big a deal about it. Focus on your daughter's feelings - just listen and empathize.

No doubt she is upset, and that's what is important - to acknowledge and just let her get out. Say things like "I hear you .. I can understand why that would be upsetting to you, especially at school." Tell her you think it's great she told the boy to stop. You can ask her gently how else she could handle it. We did this in an empowering course one of my kids took for anxiety. It gives kids the tools they need to know how to handle situations that come up.

For instance, she could say "Well, I could go let the teacher know". That will make her feel better to know that she has options. If she's scared or angry, it helps her to know that she can tell an adult then and there as another alternative (if she thinks it might happen again).

Then I would let the teacher know. Focus on the issue - this happened, my daughter upset. Don't make huge production.

These things happen. I learned it's happened to my friends. We overreact as parents (as in my case) and it happens to some kids (like yours). We teach kids what's ok and what's not without making them feel terrible, and we empower kids to say No that's not ok, and to know how to handle it themselves whenever possible.

Hopefully the boy will apologize to your daughter. I find that is the best scenario. We've had teachers who have facilitated that and it makes our kids feel the child understood it wasn't ok and that they can move on. It's non threatening and easy-going, usually at lunch.

Good luck :) Let us know what happens.

Talk to the teacher - ask her if she knows what happened.
Sometimes stories can differ quite a bit.
She can keep an eye on the situation - 6 yr olds are still learning to keep their hands to themselves.

When our son was in school I told him if someone was bothering him he should tell them to stop.
If it happens again, again tell them loudly to stop.
If it happens again, tell the teacher and give them a chance to make it stop - and also tell the teacher that if they don't make it stop then you will.
After that - anything that happens is the teachers fault if they didn't do anything.
If the bothering continues after that I told our son to take the other kid out and we'll sort it out in the principals office.
Our son's been taking taekwondo since the 2nd grade.

Only once (in the 4th grade) did he ever have to give a 2nd warning - and he told the kid "Look - you need to stop - because if I have to stop you - you really aren't going to like it.".

I told his teachers my approach to this because some schools have a no fighting tolerance policy where even defending yourself will get you in trouble - it's nonsense.
While I tell him never to throw the first punch - he shouldn't have to be anyone's punching bag.

He's 20 now, a sophomore in college, and a 4th don blackbelt.
He knows how to defend himself - but he rarely needs to use it.
When my son took taekwondo half the class was girls - and some of them really enjoy sparring quite a bit more than some of the guys do.

Of course any time your child is upset by something at school you should listen, and ask questions. Try to empathize and see how she feels tomorrow.
It doesn't hurt to mention it to the teacher. A quick email mentioning what your daughter said happened should be sufficient. That way she can be aware of it, and there will be a recorded trail if anything like this comes up again.
Probably nothing, but it doesn't hurt to document and address it, just in case.

I would talk, empathise, with her about how she feels, mostly listening. I would also tell her that this time it's ok and you're glad she told you.

This really is no big deal at 6.it's good he stopped when she asked him to, Kids this young are exploring bodies without any sexual connotations. However if he's doing this to tease her and continues to tease, I would talk with the teacher. If this happens on the playground, I'd suggest you talk with the playground supervisor. The adult can reassure she's safe and keep a watch on her and the boy.

Unless I personally know the parents I would never talk with them first. Talk with teacher first.

I would start by having a chat with the teacher. when my 6 yr old told me something a classmate said to her that was disturbing I spoke to teach about it and that boy has never said anything even close to the original thing.. And the teacher knew exactly what to say and do to fix the situation and make my daughter comfortable at school again.

I'm guessing you already talked to her since it happened yesterday. I would just start with saying to her "daddy said you were upset when he picked you up, what happened?" Then let her tell you and you can see the cues shes giving too. I know for me its hard to get everything when they're telling me something as I'm driving. Also, if it had just happened it was fresh in her mind and she maybe needed some time to decompress from the gut emotion of it and once its not so raw maybe she'll feel differently. I would want to know context. Like were some of the kids going around doing it to each other and everyone was laughing? Had they been discussing belly buttons and so shirt lifting so he could see?(this is what happened at DD's school, apparently one kid had a sibling with an outie and the conversation grew from there). And the good news is, he stopped when asked and at her age I don't think its sexual like adults would think. I'd ask her how it made her feel. If it upset her what was upsetting to her. The fact he saw her nipples? Was just the act of him touching her without asking upsetting? Did someone else who saw it happen tease her about seeing a specific part? I personally would deal with specifically what upset her about it. And also ask her what she thinks will happen to her as a result of the boy lifting her shirt and specifically address that as well. Praise her for telling him to stop and did she think something else should have happened to the boy besides her telling him to stop.
That all being said I would drop a short email to the teacher explaining DD's side of what happened so the teacher is aware if she already isn't. I'd also ask if the teacher know any more about the whole scenario and what might the context be. Let them know what you said to DD and if DD still seems bothered they can look out for her. Also so they can reinforce to DD that she did nothing wrong and they can praise her for saying No too. Or maybe if its a classwide thing of just being silly it's still inappropriate and they can address the whole class about how inappropriate it really is. Oh, but I also wouldn't talk to the little boys Mom.

I mostly agree with the sentiments in the previous comments but I'm really stuck on the word "innocent". I'm glad the boy stopped when she asked and I don't necessarily think this was sexually motivated, but I do think this is an important moment to talk about consent and it absolutely needs to be addressed with the teacher. Let me be clear that I'm not implying this boy had any specific motivations, however, why does he think it's okay to 1. touch your daughter without permission and 2. remove or disrupt part of her clothing. This is not okay. This is exactly why we need to discuss with our daughters and sons the importance of consent. If you haven't already I would send an email to the teacher and explain that your daughter came home and this is her side of the story... Then I would ask the teacher if she/he can clarify any part of the story. I would also add that you would like the idea of consent to be addressed to all the students in the class again after this incident. If the teacher is unsupportive in any way I would take it to the principal, not to be dramatic, but to be clear what is expected of every student in each classroom.