How So I Get over the Hurt

K.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know that there's ever a direct route out of pain. Thankfully, time does heal.

Your step-sister sounds rather immature and self-indulgent. She's stayed close to you because she needs/uses you, but it doesn't sound like she gives you too much back.

Because of this, I bet she reinitiates the relationship the very next time she needs to be rescued. She obviously is very impulsive and gets herself into scrapes and counts on you to bail her out. The next time she finds herself in trouble, I'm sure she'll be back, and whatever she's mad about will be forgotten for the time-being.

Can't say that I think using is a good basis for a relationship, but on the other hand, she is your sister, you love her, and you love her kids. So, I hope it's sooner rather than later, for your sake.

Good luck, and try to be extra nice to yourself while you wait for this to pass...

The hurt you are feeling is not your fault, but you do need to realize that if you let her, your sister will do it all again.
The best way to get over the hurt-is to go through it! Time and prayer will heal it and learning to accept forgiveness so you can give forgiveness.
Like someone else advised, find some true friends and learn to give yourself only to those who really give themselves to you. It should be an equal relationship. Not you giving and her taking.
Forgive yourself, let God work in your heart and move on. If she comes back to you, only give as much as is given to you.

The only thing that I see that you did "wrong" is care too much for your sister. I have a brother that constantly needs help and I have learned that my husband and kids come first and then when they are taken care of I can help others. That means having to say no sometimes. I am sorry to say this but she does not deserve you as a sister.

The truth is you won't get over it and you probably won't trust her again. While you had a right to speak to your mom candidly about your recent experience, it's not right that you did it at her workplace because you knew he worked there too. He probably got into some trouble and she's retalitating the only way she knows how, withholding what she percieves as love. It's not right to put the kids in the middle but so often parents do it.

So to ease your own mind you should adopt these ideas,

It's never what you say that makes trouble it's how someone elses mind twists it.

So all you can do is
*be honest when speaking
*don't make assumptions
*don't take anything personally
*do the best you can

And when someone gets offended by the truth, well, let them walk away, most users will be back and they hate themselves for it. There's nothing you can do to regain what you have lost. It's better not to dwell on all you did and was never paid back for.

I just recently had the same kind of experience. My cousin who is closer to me than my own sister wanted ideas to help her pre-teen avoid an eating disorder. I really think the girl's boyfriend is at the root of it so I told the mom so and she snapped at me. She thought I was blaming her and told me she didn't want to speak to me again. Her own sister had done the same thing the day before when I posted "an offensive question" in a survey I sent her on MySpace. My mother and sister are also this way. "I will never talk to you again!!!"

But my dear cousin wrote me two days later, my sister and mother start calling and writing emails when they're trying to butter me up for something. Eventually the other cousin will come around to. It hurts terribly but sometimes you just have to accept that they are that way and stop letting it get to you.

P.S. I did all the same things for each of them, lending money, hauling them around, moving them, babysitting for free and money that was never paid. I also lost 2 houses because I wasn't paid for daycare or their share of the "rent" and utilities.

Believe me real friends won't ever treat you that way. Find some and you'll feel so much better.

Hi K.,
You sound like such a kind, caring person. I would just try not to contact her for a while. I'm sure she will one day realize all that you have done for her and she will want to be forgiven by you. You have to take care of your own family and try not to worry about her so much.

Unfortunately sometimes in life we find that the adage, "no good deed goes unpunished," is true. I would just say try to talk to her. You've done what you can for this woman. She's an adult and needs to learn to take care of herself and not rely on others to support her. The only thing that will get you over the hurt is time. How old are her kids? Can you see them wihtout her? You might want to try pointing out ot her that they shouldn't miss out on a relationship with you just because she's angry with you.

K.,

i'm sorry to hear your story. unfortunatly i have a very simaliar one. my sister and i, don't speak anymore. it breaks my heart, but once i realized that my life was a lot leass complicated without her in it, i began to accept it. i don't have contact with two of her three children, but her oldest son who is 19 and in college keeps in touch with me. i know that i can't change her and if she wants to change only she can do it. you must realize the same thing about your sis. sorry it's not better advice and i hope your story has a different ending then mine.

good luck,
B.

I have a cousin I thought I was close to and helped quite a bit. I helped him out when he had nothing to eat, I loaned him money that never got payed back, I helped him and his wife out when he married, and helped take care of their child. The last time I did anything for him I was down on my luck. He swore he would pay me back with interest. It was more important to pay his friends that support his drug habit. We haven't had a decent conversation since.
Your sister has been using you. Does she have a drug problem?
It sounds to me like she was feeling guilty for taking so much from you and she found a haphazard, emotionally irrational cop out to avoid the guilt. Maybe she has a problem, and this is her way of breaking the codependency strings. Let her go, she'll come back to you when she's grown up a bit.