She's 11 and has been living with the father since she was 3. We have been in and out of contact but this past year I've gotten more settled and we've been talking on the phone (awkward) and now interact thru emails and facebook games etc. I visited her this summer when she stayed with family for a few weeks. We live on opposite coasts so don't see each other except for the above mentioned. I am looking to get closer with her, not move her out of the picture. The baby is not a replacement or anything like that. I am excited about my new child but also about the developing relationship with my daughter whom I love.
Thanks,
yes! Relationships are based on honesty! You must tell her, if you hope to have a continued relationship with her.
The baby is just a baby?
The baby is just a baby? I don't know how you could even type those words. Honestly, with that attitude you are setting yourself up to have another severely-strained relationship with the new child.
Honesty is the best policy. Tell her you are looking forward to her being a big sister and name the ways she can be involved. At that age she should embrace it. If she is jealous then you have more issues on your hands then you think. You will need to heal yourself and her before the baby comes so the baby won't feel all your conflicting hormones.
You shouldn't say the baby is just a baby as all babies are special. Let your daughter know right away before anyone else tells her you are expecting. Keep her involved with the details. Send her copies of ultra sounds. Get her involved in name picking, etc.... You might be surprised. She may be thrilled at having a little brother or sister.
Well...you can't hied it forever....she be more angry that you lied and hid it from her. Just bit the bullet and get it over with. BE HONEST with her. Have you ever said you are sorry to her? Saying sorry for not being there might not go over well at first, but it could help the situation. Maybe this baby will bring you two closer? She might surprise you!
Hello S..
If the relationship with your daughter is strained because of your absence, she will likely be jealous of the baby. But I agree with the other posters that say you should just be honest with her. Involve her. Have her help pick out a name. Tell her what a special privelege it is to have a brother or sister. Familial relationships thrive when everyone is up-front, as with any relationship really. If you haven't already done so, now would be the time to tell her about your absence. If you moved away for a job, or to be with other family members, or if you simply didn't want to be on the same coast with her father now is the time to have that heart-to-heart. Go over what you will tell her before the time comes, thinking of answers to any questions she may have. She's also at the age where little girls love to have a baby on their hip. She may actually be thrilled. Invite her over to help decorate the nursery sometime after your talk if it goes well. It may be the perfect time for the birds and bees talk. In fifth grade they begin learning these things in I think science at school and it would be a good time to show her just what happens when you have relations. My exhusband and I had that talk with our son as soon as we found out he was learning about it in school and we continue to advise him as he ages. (He's almost thirteen.)
Sorry for the book-length post! Hope this helps a little.
C.
I know your situation well. I have two older children who live with their father. Since I'm a military wife, we have to move away and I don't get the opportunity to see them much. Plus the ex tries to block communication between us with not answering the phone or things like that. And they don't have email. So I just send letters and cards and hope that they see I'm still trying. It can be akward on the phone. Glad that you are trying with emails and things to at least let her know that you haven't just moved on and forgotten about her. You need to accept that you won't have a really close relationship with her. But never ever stop trying to show her that you love her. The older she gets, the easier it will get to communicate since she'll be more in control and have her own phone and able to travel. Be honest with her about the baby. And soon. There is no choice between having a baby and having a relationship with your daughter. You are able to have both. And she may feel closer to you after since you can talk about the baby together. Ask her how she feels about it and let her know that you aren't trying to replace her and that having a new baby will not change the fact that she is still your daughter and you will still love her. It will be ok. You have to let go of the guilt of not being there. Forgive yourself. And build a relationship any way possible.
