Seeking Mom's Advice for My Daughter

There's not much you can do. There has to be a reason for her lack of contact so you just have to give her some space. Don't give up but it's unfortunately up to her. I felt the same way about my grandmother but after my girls were born, I continue to let her see them. Sometimes you just want to show them off. Hopefully she'll feel the same way.

Write her a letter and send it in the mail. Tell her exactly what you've told us. Then give her a little time. If you don't hear from her in a week or two then send her another and another until she knows you really want to reconnect with her. I wouldn't necessarily send a gift for the baby until she realizes you want to reconnect with HER. Maybe a gift for the baby after the baby is born. Good luck.

Why won't she talk to you? Maybe try sending her a little something for the baby with a card explaining how you feel. You would be suprised how much a baby changes peoples feelings.

I suggest writing a letter. You could offer her your feeling of when you where pregnant and any aplogoies you may have for the distance between you. It's less confrontational and hopefully she'll feel confortable enough to respond. Many times my mother has written me letter's to discuss things she felt I needed to know. Sometimes I didn't want to hear them but I held on the the letter and would reflect on them when I was ready to hear them. It might not happen before the little one comes but your relationships with family change once you are a mother yourself. Best of luck.

J. -

In reading your request as well as some of the responses, I am struck by one common thread. We don't talk to each other and say what we need to say. Women so often just expect other people to know what our issue is. We don't want to tell people what we need because we don't want to seem needy, or nagging, or even sad. I can tell that you are really sad and lonely. I don't know what happened between you and your daughter, but if you take the initiative and approach her with an apology - even if you don't feel you did anything wrong - and just let her know that you are so sorry that your relationship has deteriorated. Tell her what you want - to go to her shower, to see a photo, to be involved, to mend the fences and see if you can at least be a part of her life, even in a small way. I suspect she wants to have her mom there. She's as afraid to approach you and tell you what she wants as you are. So, since you're the mom, it falls to you to take the first step. I have every confidence you can do it. After all, you raised your daughter to be a confident, independent adult woman. Even if you weren't perfect in your child-rearing, (and none of us are) you did achieve that and you can look to that success as a model for moving forward to create a valuable and positive relationship in the future. Please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk further.

Abundant blessings,

L.

I was amazed at what a new view I had of my mom after I became a mother. I hope your daughter will have her eyes opened to that, and a new appreciation for you. I would tread lightly, because I don't know what estranged the two of you, but if you send a little gift for the baby and a card explaining that you carried your daughter and loved her and apologize for the fact that you two are estranged (whatever the reason, and regardless of who's at fault), and explain to her that you would just love to meet her child and your grandchild, maybe she will be open to responding. Inviting you to the baby shower may be a little much because that's a very public place and would be a place where she would have to act like everything is fine between you two when it isn't. I'd pray that restitution can be made between you two- apologies go a long way- even if you don't feel you're in the wrong. You can only do what's right by you- and we're all sorry that you are not being allowed into your daughters life. I know it would hurt me so badly if my daughter ever did that to me (she's only 4 now, but there are so many things that can happen in life, we just pray for unity)

Sounds like a really hard situation. You might want to consider seeing a therapist who can help you work through this step by step. Maria Droste and DU both have sliding scale clinics if cost is an issue. A therapist could support you in what sounds like a lonely and complicated time.

i am not sure why you and your child are estranged but i am sure it hurts...alot. i would say( fyi my kids are still small but i went through lots of rough times with my mom) that you have to respect her request for space. let her know you are there for her, maybe mail her a gift for the baby, send her a card from time to time, but if she wants space let her have it, my mom had passed away before i had my kids once my first was born i really realized how much i needed her. maybe in time as she understans what it is to be a mother herself she will come around but for now i think you should lay low.find a way to give that love to other children that may need it(like volunteering) that is the sucky part of being a parent we have to do things for the best of our kids even when it kills us inside. i will keep you in my prayers and hope that your daughter comes around. hang in there i'm rooting for ya

Oh, J., I would write her a letter and let her know that whatever issue we had in the past is in your eyes the past. Someone has to take the first step. Let her know how much you long to be not only a part of your grandchilds life, but also hers. Hang in there - don't be overbearing - and don't give up! Love forgives all...

Hi J.,

I am not sure if this is helpful or not, but my family is going thru the same problem with my sister and my mother. I am sorry for this hard and painful time. I think what is important is that you do the same thing you would always do if you were not having this problem. Do send her a gift and a letter of her birth and what she was like as a baby, be careful to not make mention of the problem you are having now...As far as the problem, try to apologize for the problem, even if it is not your fault. If you have to write her a letter. I think that is all my sister is looking for....just an apology. It is just sometimes we forget to think what will make the situation better not worse. We may win the battle but loose the war. You don't want to loose your daughter forever. Apologize,Apologize Apologize.

About me...I am married. I have 4 children and 4 step children and very soon will have 5 Grandchildren.

You didn't say why your daughter won't talk to you, so it's difficult to give advice here. However, if the two of you have had problems in the past, there's nothing like the present to begin the healing. Write her a letter explaining how you feel and telling her you would like the opportunity to speak with her face to face in order to heal your relationship. I pray that you both can forgive the past and move into the future with love in your hearts.

I don't know what happened to with you and your daughter, all's I can say is be patient and leave the door open. Your daughter will soon find what it is like being the mother of a child and the sacrafice that it takes. Send her small gifts for the baby don't be pushy. Good Luch!

Ah J., I feel for you!
I think that as hard as it may be... sometimes the best thing is to give it a while. How long do you usually wait in between phone calls? Try to double it... write it on your calendar and stick to it. Sometimes even though you miss her like crazy you need to give her time to miss you... I know that sounds hard but give it a try.
Also, if you can, try to expand your own social life so you have things to keep you busy... a book club, some volunteer work, take up a craft and join a club, something that keeps you busy. It will actually help your relationship with your daughter when she is ready.
Best wishes,
C.

J.,

Get up, turn off the computer and TV and go out. Go to church (don't have one - try a bunch of different ones until you find one that suits you, it will keep you busy), go to a senior center, go to the library. Find a community for yourself. Find a therapist or minister to talk to and help you work through this time. Make some friends. Volunteer somewhere.

I don't know why your daughter won't speak with you, but I am sure she has her reasons. Perhaps you were too dependent on your daughter after your husband died? For now try to build a life for yourself. Take control of your life, no one has to be lonely.

I haven't talked to my mother in almost 8 months. I used to talk to her almost daily. According to my sister, my mother doesn't understand why I ceased communications. Therein lies the problem. She doesn't see how her criticism and disappointment in my life affected me. I have a great and productive life, but she doesn't approve of many aspects of it - where I live, my husband, my church, and my career. I live in beautiful Colorado, I have a hard working loving husband, I am very active in my church (which to her dismay is not Catholic) and I am a teacher. But my paths were not paths she and my dad would have picked for me so I endured the criticism until it became too much.

Think about your interactions with your daughter and give her time. I am reluctant to contact my mother again because I don't think she understands her part in this rift. If you can take the time and do the introspective work to figure out your part, that will go a long way with her I'm sure when she does contact you on her terms. Respect her decision.

Just keep leaving messages saying you love her and you're praying for her and her baby. Pray that God will bring her around.

I am sorry that your daughter does not want contact with you during this joyous time in her life. I'm sure it is hard on you, and she probably has her own issues with it. However, I too had a very strained relationship with my mother so I have to recommend that you abide by her wishes to not have contact. I agree with others who responded that you could send a thoughtful gift and/or note for the baby or her. I would quit calling though. She knows how to contact you and will if she decides she wants to. My mother died before I was married and had kids so I don't know if I would have changed my mind to have a relationship with her at that time, but your daughter may reach out after the baby comes. Your perspective can definitely change after having kids. Just try not to push the issue. Your daughter has her reasons for this decision whether you agree with them or not.

I'm not that close with my mom either. What I would recommend doing is leaving an actual message on her voice mail and not just an I want to talk to you please call me back thing. Maybe even try asking if there is possibly something you may have done to offend her and try to make it right and also be understanding. I hope it works because it would be great for you to have someone.

I would start off by constantly leaving messages of how desperate you are to be a part of her and her newborn baby to be's life. Ask for forgivness wether the cause of the two of you not speaking is your fault of not. Let her know some things going on in your life and include asking what her experience has been with her first pregnancy. Don't give up on her, most females are stubborn, but always break at one point. More than likely she misses you just as much as you miss her. Goodluck, & God Bless!
K. C.

Hello J.,
This sounds like a long-time problem. All you can do is phone her once in a while and let her know you are thinking of her. Or, you could write her a letter and acknowledge that she doesn't want to have contact with you. Ask her what she would like to see happen in order for you to see her and her new baby. Usually daughters want their mothers involved in their pregnancy and to rejoice in the birth of their first child. Is there something in your behavior, past or present that would make her feel the way she does? If you let her know that you love her and would like to be in her life, then you will have to wait to see what she does. In the meantime, could she post pictures of her pregnant self on a blog, or pictures of the new grandchild? Good luck.

First off if there is something that you and your daughter are having problems with, deal with that first. Second off, try emailing her just what you said in this, if you email. But if that won't work try getting her a baby gift noq, like a photo album, or blanket, and in the card say how excited you are and would truly like to be a part of the pregnancy. Most women want their husband first, but definately want their mom included in their pregnancies.

I don't know if you are religious or not but I would pray that her heart might be softened and she would invite you or call you or answer your calls. That is hard. Good luck!

M.

I would say to keep tring. Things will definately change for her once she has the baby.....maybe at this time she will be more willing to communicate. I am going thru the same thing with my mother, excpet she is the one who wont talk to me. I just had our second daughter 3 months ago. Good luck, I know its hard.

J.-- Sometimes in life people feel that the healthiest thing for them is to separate themselves from their families; and after some of the stories I've heard, I can't help but agree. None of us here have any idea why your daughter is not interested in spending time with you, but ultimately you have no choice but to accept that. You have left her messages expressing your desire to see her and the baby and you could send along a little gift or card assuming you know her address. Don't constantly call her. Don't stop by unannounced. These actions will only serve to widen the gap. She needs to make the next move.

You need to face the reality of finding other ways to not be lonely. Is there some reason that you can't get out of your apartment? A simple walk down to a coffee shop or the library can do wonders to battle loneliness. If you're able, take a dance or cooking class. Join a book club. Meet some of your peers. Even if you got on well with your daughter, she should not take the place of your finding friends and social activities outside of your family and small apartment. Take care of yourself! All the best to you.

Dear J., It must be very difficult for you, my heart go out to you. For your daughter to have nothing to do with you, something had to have happened to cause this riff in your relationship. My guess is your daughter must feel wronged by you in some way (I'm not saying its all your fault by any means) but sometimes to repair a relationship we need to ask for forgiveness and take ownership for the things we have done. It might soften her heart towards you. Try sending a card, sometimes its easier to put our thoughts into words. Also, pray and ask God to restore your relationship with your daughter. He truly cares! I will pray for you too. I wish you good luck! T. H.

I am not sure why you had a fall out with your daughter, it must have been pretty seriousl. She may come around after the baby is born, that will be a time she should want her mom around more then ever. However, whatever happened, all you can do is reach out, send a nice note, maybe a small gift for the new baby and tell your daughter how proud you are of her becoming a mom, what a great mom she will be, that you love her and are here for her. You cannot do much else. You did not say how old she was either. Kids isolate themselves from family members and later regret it, just keep an open door, open mind and forgiveness goes a long way!

Hi J.,
I have friends that have treated their mom's this way and I
never understood. I will say anytime my mom and I have had our differences over the years a handwritten letter was always more powerful than a phone call or email. Whatever has caused this rift with you and your daughter do not be accusatory but ask for reconsiliation. Also try and do more things yourself, church activities, volunteer at a local grade school, they always need help, put your self out where you are not so lonely so if she doesn't give you a chance you have other things in your life.
Good luck and I truly hope your daughter opens her arms to you.
S.

The thing about us women is that we can hold a grudge FOREVER! I'm no expert, but if it were my mother, I would just want an apology and go from there. I would just go to her with humility not expecting anything. If you are anything like my mom, it's killing you to not be a part of it, but you've got to take it one step at a time. I don't know your circumstance, but women in general are stubborn. Regardless of what she says or does, she will come to appreciate you more in the coming years. Just know that sometimes us young mothers think we know everything and don't need our mom's help. Just love her, and she'll come around.

J., I am so sorry about your situation. It really saddens me to hear about your situation with your daughter. She is very lucky to have a mother that wants to be involved. My mother was killed in a car accident 13 1/2 years ago and I desperately missed her when I was pregnant with my two younger children. The only advice I can give you is to be persistant. there willbe a time when she is going to need you. Just make sure you are there when she comes. I don't know what the whole story is between you two, but nothing can be so bad that there can't be forgiveness. People come and go, but your family is supposedto be there forever. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

This is a bit of a complex question and not one that can be answered simply. There are too many factors involved such as why your daughter is not speaking to you, etc. I think it is important tht you not get simple advice on this topic but that you try to rectify the situation in any way you can and understand that you cannot decide what your daughter will choose to do.

I feel your pain since a very close friend would not respond to any contact with me for over twenty years. Recently, that friend has responded to my emails. My suggestion, is to keep trying to contact your daughter. Call her. Send her cards and letters. Send her emails. One day, she may contact you. Don't give up.

JO ANN

I completely agree with Gen P's advice.
A prayer or two wouldn't hurt either...
-M

Best of luck to you. I am sure once she has the baby she will contact you. I think it is a mothers instinct to you want to talk to her mom. I would suggest buying the baby something and maybe mailing it to your daughter with a letter voicing how you feel. Good luck my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Not knowing what has caused this disconnection between the two of you, I am not sure anyone can actually say anything that might help.
If you know why she won't talk to you or see you or have you be apart of her life, and you think there is a way to heal it. THEN DO! No time like the present. This is where you have to be humble and wise and do whatever it takes to make a mends.
If you know where she lives, send her a letter saying how much you love her and want to be apart of her life. How you missed seeing and being apart of her pregnancy. Let her know you want to be apart of her life and if no response.. Then I would go to her. Personally see her. Try... its all you can do. She is a big girl now. As painful as that is and as hard as it must be for you to not be able to be there, just don't stop trying. Your her mother, you have unconditional love for you child. As all mothers do! Just pray and hope her heart will soften and she will hear you. Good luck. I am sorry for you pain. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

I guess I would have to say, it all depends on why she wont talk to you. Sounds to me like you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart, but remember that while pregnant and post partem hormones are running rampant and are very unpredictable. She might not yet be ready, or you just need to make a grand gesture to break the ice. Even if she did not invite you, send her a baby present with a heart felt hand written card attached!!

I don't know what has driven you and your daughter apart, but if I were in her shoes, I'd say persistence. Whatever you've done, ask or beg for forgiveness, try to make ammends, go to her, call every single day, go to her home every single day. Show her how much you love her and want to be apart of her life, if she sees the constistancy in your trying, I believe she will eventually give in and let you back into her life. Take care and don't give up!

I assume something happened with your daughter or between you both that caused her to not communicate. Maybe her husband changed the rules/ maybe she is just breaking free from Mom and creating her new family, and this is the only way she knows how to do it. It hurts I know!!! I lost my daughter for a year and a half it was terable. All I could do was call and leave encouraging messages atleast twice a week on her phone/ and mail letters of love for her from MOM. One day she had the courage to pick up the phone..we started talking but with baby steps.

My daughter took drugs she got from her step mom and was ashamed of herself, and knowing I would not stand for drugs in my home... She seperated herself from me.....I write you this because there has been a break in your relationship for "Some reason" I believe you have to let her know you love her nomatter what...just because...still......eventhougt....and always. Then give it up to God to change the heart. Good luck and God Bless

You don't say why your daughter will have nothing to do with you. Knowing that information might assist responders in giving you a more helpful response. Without that information, I would say that since your daughter will not answer the phone, try writing her. Ask for forgiveness, if you need to. If not, ask her why she avoids you, and if she will meet with you to talk things out. Let her know how much it means to you to be a part of this miraculous time of her life. Be honest and vulnerable. Finally, and most importantly, PRAY.

LJB

Dear J.,
I can relate to your circumstance. My daughter-in-law became offended at something I did or said. I have been a midwife and had all my 9 children at home...her mom runs a the maternity wing of a hospital---ne'er the twain will meet!

Since her delivery, they don't want me over to see them. I got to see my Grandson once, but I am not wanted. The only solace I have, though I am very sad, as I am sure you are, is that she had very serious post partum depression with her first child and that may be one reason she has reacted the way that she has.

I would think about things you could do that would be pleasant and non-confrontive. Send her a card and then a gift now and then. It doesn't have to be much. I made my Grandson booties and a hat- then a blanket. Just let her know you are thinking about her and don't leave messages on her phone. Wait and call just once a month- if you can't wait, then call in a couple of weeks, but if you let up on her, then maybe she will respond better.

I find it very difficult to be treated with such disrespect, but our children are definitely living in different era than we were. I find the youth much more coarse and willing to be disrespectful of their parents...things, even I being outspoken, would never do or say to my parents out of respect.
I also believe in Prayer. Most of the time HE is the only one that truly understands our needs.

I really feel for you! If you aren't crafty, learn how to be. You can make things for your new baby and that may help in the long run.

God Bless,
H. B. MOM (mother of many-9)

I suggest you be accountable for what your role was in the breakdown of the relationship. Feeling sorry for yourself and trying to manipulate her is only negatively impacting you. If you want a relationship with her and your grandchild you are going to have to own up to your side of things.

Hello:

I am 29 and really do not have a good a relationship with my mother either. As I get older I realize I would like to be closer to my mother. Just keep trying she may give in. I would just not give up, it is important for her to she you trying.

I would figure out why your daughter has cut you out of her life (if you don't already know) and do whatever it takes to make it right. When I had my baby, I think it was truly the first time I realized how much my mom loved me, and I'm sure your daughter will have similar feelings. Just keep trying and do nice things for her. No matter what the past was, every new mom needs a mother. Be there for her even if she doesn't accept it at first.
Good Luck.

I'm sorry you're lonely, I really feel for you. Maybe try writing a handwritten letter to your daughter telling her about how you feel now, how you felt when you were pregnant with her and how important it is to be able to share this time with her. If there are things you need to apologize to her for, now would be the time to do it.

First of all J. you need to know why she is not talking to you and if you know you need to try to correct the problem. There are many situations that cause problems like that and no matter what they should all be forgivable. People make mistakes and sometimes it directly affects our children but if we change than we should be forgiven. Your daughter obviously has reason to not talk to you. You mention she is your only daughter, do you have a son that might be able to talk to her and help bridge the gap. My only daughter had her first baby in September and I was there for the birth and what a joy it was to be a part of that. I would not miss that for anything in the world. Before she had her baby she was having problems with her father because of his wife and she would not talk to him but he finally left her and now my daughter and her dad talk all the time and he was also here for the birth of the baby. So no matter what you are her mother and regardless of what has happened it should all be forgivable. I think you need someone else to intervene for you and just keep trying. I am very close to my mom too and would not be able to not talk to her. I almost lost my mom from a brain tumor and we are still dealing with that problem and I cherish everyday my mom is still alive with me. I will keep you in my prayers because every daughter needs her mother especially during the birth of a baby. I wish the best for you and I hope everyone who responds is somehow able to help you. Keep trying but not too much so she gets more mad.

You really have no idea WHY she won't talk to you? How long has this been going on?
I think you have to address the issue of why she will not return your calls. What is the last thing she did say to you? - or what is the last thing she heard from you?

Now is a great time to look into getting closer to your daughter, she will need help for sure with her baby and your mom is the best and cheapest help you can get!

Maybe a good idea is to send her a gift with a touching card explaining how proud you are of her, how much you love her and how you feel about seeing her picture and meeting your grandchild. Maybe you can mention how you felt when you were pregnant with her...
Offer her to help with the baby, be proactive, avoid any negative thoughts.
You can choose the gift from a website, she is most likely registered in Babys R us or Dillards or a major store near her house and you can look up her name on the Baby's Registry and get her something useful.

Good luck! I hope you can get closer very soon!
P..