How Have You Ended a Friendship?

I think each situation needs to be approached individually.

Ultimately, I think gradual drifting apart should just be accepted & not taken as a strike against you. :)

Pick a fight, in the middle of it say, "clearly we are not friends so we might as well end this now..." Then block them from everything and move on. Lol!

I can't think of a time when a direct "break-up" was necessary. I mena it's not a marriage, there's no shared bank account or lease to break. I"ve always just let things fade. Not returned calls, not extended invitations, etc. The wonders of caller ID and voicemail is that we don't have to talk to anyone we don't want to. And in the odd situation where you run in to the person the standard "oh yes we have to get together" is fine - and leave it at that. No need to hurt feelings.

Sounds cold, but blowing someone off repeatedly generally does the trick!

;{

It may be a case by case basis. I ended a horribly toxic relationship directly and I still believe it was the only way to do it. It was messy, but there was no way to avoid mess with that situation.

I have had to phase out of a friendship before, but it seemed to be a mutual drifting and the fact that we lived far apart was a great help! :)

I can totally identify with what you said about wishing you had ended your friendship years ago. Sometimes I feel like I wasted a lot of time, but it was a long learning experience for me. I have since resolved to learn more quickly!

Your post is good food for thought. Thank you!

My husband and I just had to do it with a long time co-worker and distantly related "friends" They had been boss and employee in India, and then both came to the US, and my husband climbed higher than, said boss. It sort put a wedge between them. While our daughters are 6 months apart and they were great friends, we knew it was dying. Their inability to act appropriately when at functions and each others home, to us was killing any mutual likes we had. Finally last straw was the thinly veiled contempt they displayed at the last birthday party for their daughter. Its enough. I was over it far before. I just cut ties. I wont acknowledge either, and I dont mince words. I just said "If there is no way to be civil and straightforward here then I am not interested in being in your company" Husband still sometimes talks to the other man. Not sure why he cant sever ties yet. Probably due to the very slight relation. The wife's Cousin is married to his SIL's sister. Over there that is enough to be related.

Its hard, I think. I almost lost a friendship that I have had for good Lord 30 years! Most of it has been spent away from each other. The last couple of years we both were going through alot and didn't talk. She texted me one day and just blasted me. Well, I don't take that too well and blast back. I know!!! After things were said and the dust settled, we were able to talk about things. She opened up about some things that I had no idea about. I didn't want to loose that friendship. I had invested too much time, blood, tears. However, had she not opened up about things, it probably would have died a slow and painful death.

I am glad that she sent that text. I'm more attentive and reach out more to her than before. Its hard to keep a friendship going 1000 miles away but we have been doing that for 27 years with a couple of bumps along the way. :)

I have been on the receiving end of this so I'll tell you how mine ended.

After knowing something was up for some time, and at the WORST time in my entire life (and to date yes, it was the WORST time of my life), she sent me a 9 page handwritten nastygram telling me all the YEARS of my wrongdoing and how HORRIBLE of a friend I was to her and that the ONLY regret she'd ever have is that she would miss my children.

And 8 years of friendship ended...just like that.

To be fair, had SHE come to me with what she thought was "wrong" with me, I'd have probably listened and taken steps to change our dynamic, but she chose to remain silent and never tell me these things so that I could at least ATTEMPT to make amends.

So I guess, my suggestion to you is a letter than says something like "I've noticed...this and this and this and I hate it when you this and this and this and you're going to lose my friendship is you don't change this and this and this" so that this person can at the very least, TRY and preserve what was a mutually agreeable friendship.

As it is, had I known how horrible she thought I was being to her, I would have done ANYTHING to even the playing field and keep the friendship. It's been 5 years now. I never got a chance to tell her how much I valued her. But I hope that someday I will.

Sending good thoughts your way.

I will start with those I have ended.....I have never been good with this...and I have only ended one purposefully.

In late 2003 and three I went to work for Spencer Gifts. It is a teenie bopper/gag store....That carries novelty items and party lights as well.

I was hired on as the Assistant Manager and became fast best friends with the Manager. We were peas and carrots. I loved her kid and she was awesome.

We did everything together.....except live/sleep.....She was around when my 21st birthday hit and she took me out on the town....Her son was in my wedding.....

Then when I found out I was pregnant it was magic! She was amazing with me....but it was also the thing that I was new with the most and this allowed her to step up the controlling issues she has. She drove fear into me and made me ''need'' her for advice and what not.

She won me over big time when I went into premature Labor on the job....I think I was 22 or 27 weeks at the time....I ended up in the hospital for the longest I had ever been in one...SO I have blocked that time out pretty much.....Anyways....She was the one how came and got me at work(my hub was working some place and could not get to me)took me to the hospital and then had to come out back to work during her vacation for me.

This started my Maternity leave ALOT freaking sooner then I wanted to have to start it.

When the temporary assistant manager came in things changed....Not right away.....She and I were able to stay close before I had the baby. She was in the room the day he was born finally.

She came over the first few weeks to help with house cleaning and what not.....But then as my leave ended and I went back to work the tide had changed.....She started becoming snarky with me. She would attack me for the littlest things and jump all over me if I screwed up.....

They had hired almost a whole new staff just before I left...My temporary replacement had been hired and I was training her and there were like four new sales people.

I no longer fit in. I think her becoming the B!tch was her way of breaking up with me....But she never admitted it. She had started drinking with the new crew and they were as one put ''ghetto'' together...

Not only that but she was intentionally scheduling me with shifts she new would make life the hardest trying to get help with my son...we were winging it because we could not afford daycare...so he got past around alot iin those three months I was working....

In November of 2005 I HAD to get the hell out of there....Get away froom her...and the mind games she was playing and her attacks.

I was chicken and could not tell her to her face what I was feeling and so I made up a story that I had found a job that I would be making double what I was getting here and put in my two weeks notice.

I had not ''sweet job'' lined up...I had no job lined up. We had moved back in with my parents and I was staying at home with the kiddo.

I just stopped calling her. Our answering her calls when she wanted to ''see what I was up to''.

I was so afraid of her attacks that I could not even go to the mall we worked in together....and IF I had to for something, I would stay clear of the hall way the store was in.

I remember one time I was at the mall with my girl friend and she happened to see me when I was loading up my car.....I had my first honest to god panic attack on the way home....I could not breathe and ended up having to pull over to be able to come out of it....It was horrible.

Did not end it well. I do not know how I would have done it any other way though.

Current situation now...

My best friend and I have the best relationship ever.....I say best friend....because we have known each other since fourth grade....We are both almost 30 now...so that is a freaking long time.

The cool thing with our relationship is we have taken natural breaks. We had each other for elementary and Junior HS..where we truly needed each other.

In HS we went our separate ways...At the time it was not easy. It hurt for many months. but we saw this eventually as what would connect us again......Our senior year we were friendly just not close close...she came out of party mode...right when I got into it.

She went off to college and then became a missionary in The Congo. she was in Africa for quite some time. Then she came home to finish off her schooling.

She was gone for my wedding and the birth of my first...But it was no big deal because we had not spoken for a long time at this point.

Something happened though right after she my my oldest. All of a sudden it was her and I again...naturally.

She was living in down town Seattle still and so we would see each other when we could. And I loved going up there to visit her!

She was in the room when I gave birth to my younger boys and eventually moved to the apt. below us for some time....There was a period of time were she was in my everyday life.

The in 2009 and she bought a house and took on her first foster baby. We were moms together with kids about the same age....her baby is two weeks younger then my youngest... June 14th..mine June 23rd...hers...

Things were good until I got in my accident. I shut her out. I shut everyone out.

We are still recovering from this. I have changed so drastically as a person that I am trying to add room for error.

She is getting married in March and I am thrilled for her.

It is not that our relationship is going to be over....We are just having to find ways to adjust who we are together.

So if this means we go dormant for a bit I think it has shown to be how we naturally progress together.

I do not see her as a friend. I see her as my sister...or my female other half. Girlfriends can come and go and that is ok...but for some reason we are just connected in a spiritual way...In fact she has been the one to slowly show me that religion is more then just going to church. It is a way of life...one that is honorable and can bring a stronger connection when you have it.

Sum up of what I am getting at......There are many ways to end a relationship. Directly is naturally the better idea. But directly is not always safe or realistic.

I think that if you see there needs to be an end....the other person can see it as well. And if they do not see it maybe they should. It may end up helping them in the long run...what if you are able to point out a flaw or issue that person may need to work on?? Even something like that can be done nicely:)

I don't like the direct confrontation approach...it usually leads to hard feelings...yes, I'm a white lie person...you just slowly back out of the friendship.

There are friendships for seasons and when the need is complete, the friendship is over. Sometimes there are no reasons given.

I had a friend while we were stationed in Europe got assigned to the same base in the states. We had a good relationship for about four years into it and my attending the weddings of three of her children things changed. No reason just changed and she moved with you goodbyes or anything.

Anotther person whom I become friends with as long as she was large was fine. Once she seemed to lose the weight,I was not good enough. I had also lost quite a bit of weight and had started back to school. We would chat on the phone about things. She had been seeing a person who was a bit strange and I was concerned. I couldn't get her on her phone so one day when I was out I stopped by her home. She "pretended" to be leaving for a meeting. Well, after that, I did not call or bother her. Never said, hey it's been nice knowing ya or anything.

Another person I have known has family issues similar to mine. Her husband was a long haul trucker and had a serious accident. Well, she is always going to call but never does. Last summer I saw her and her hubby in the grocery when I was with mine and we were "getting together' for dinner. Well, that has not happened. I seemed to be the one always calling - I don't. Haven't heard a word.

So you never know why people act the way they do.

The only thing I can say is if you go with your gutt feeling and things are not working end the relationship. No need to bang your hand on a brick wall and get a migrane. It is painful but cut the losses as there will be another friend coming shortly.

These are my experiences.

The other S.

PS Know that it might not be you it could be just their makeup. As they say some people don't like confrontation.

My sister had a toxic friend and took the direct route. After some lengthy conversations (where she was talked to in circles), she sent a thorough e-mail 'breaking up' with her friend. I was so impressed with her courage.

Now when it came to my toxic friend I did not have the same courage. I did the gradual method which eventually worked. At the time I was kicking myself for not being direct, I thought it would prove more if I was tougher about it. But after some time had passed, I realized- all that mattered was that she was no longer present in my life. I don't care how it ended.

So I guess, it depends. Some people are generally nice, it's just not working. I don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them, so I still feel like gradual is ok. And if they are toxic, then I've probably worried about their feelings WAY too much anyway. Like the song lyrics say "don't go away mad, just go away". :-)

I just do not think its fair to string anyone along because you cannot "man up" as the saying goes. It might hurt their feelings in the beginning but its better than draging them along. But think hard on why you are ending the friendship is it because they are untrustworthy as listed above or is it you. Are they just needy and you need to explain that I like you but you make me nervious because you are clingy. I know I'd rather know than be stringed along

I actually had to end a freindship with a woman who I just could not trust. She was actually the wife of my late husbands friend and when she started coming around I thought 'great!' I didnt have many friends with children and I was loving the play dates and having someone to hang out with. I had actually caught her looking through my phone, not red handed but she later confirmed what I thought to be true. She appologized and I figured she was just going through a rough time in her life, she was going through a divorce. One night she invited my son and I tohave dinner at her house and she shared a dream she had had about me. She dreampt that I was having an affair with her husband and she told me that when she awoke from this dream she was actually mad at me. I really didnt think much of it. So, a few months later I learned she was at it again. Looking through my phone. She actually thought I was having an affair with her some-to-be ex husband!! Mind you, my husband had past away about a year before all this. It made me think how crazy could she be. She had this dream about me and then decided to befriend me to make sure she there wasnt anything happening between myself and her ex. C R A Z Y! I am still friends with her husband and there has never been a thought about crossing that line. I told her that I couldnt be friends with her. A few months later she e-mailed me wanted to salvage our friendship. I didnt reply. I didnt have room in my life for people like this. Lesson learned.

Depends on the friendship. Some I have let die....not spending so much time with someone, going to email vs phone communication, not inviting to events and just fading away. There was one where after we discussed what offended DH and I she took back her apology and started trouble in our family and we said, "No more" and that was that. There are friends I've looked for later and friends that I don't miss at all. I do NOT miss the drama. If people don't enhance my life and I'm not related to them, they don't get to stay in my life. Heck, even some of my relatives are at the end of a 10 ft pole.

You are right on here. Direct is the best way.

Unfortunately I don't have experience with that. In high school I ended a few friendships in the "ignore you for weeks" method. Not great. Later in life it was good to write these former friends and make things right - though we live far enough apart none have become close friends again.

I have not had to do that with anyone since then. I spend time with people who are on the same page with me (values and interests). Those who are not I am pleasant to and occasionally have long chats with, but I don't move forward in establishing a closer friendship with them.

I have one lady who is a close friend, but is pretty emotionally unstable. She gets her feelings hurt by me often and when she confronts me about it she won't let me explain myself, all I can do is say sorry I had no idea that was offensive. It has definitely put a strain on the relationship. Everyone tells me to just cut her off, but I am not sure I want to do that. I do care about her a lot and still respect her and have a lot in common with her and often enjoy being around her. I have just had to change what my expectations from the friendship are. She is no longer in my close friend group, I don't confide in her (had to totally misunderstand something once and use it against me). But I listen to her and encourage her. I don't give her advise because that is taken the wrong way. Her misunderstanding and getting hurt feelings easily has made me keep her at arms length. I want to be her friend but I cannot be comfortable just being myself with her as I'd like to be. So I love her like a close friend, but I treat her more like an acquaintance.

Its a tricky relationship, but again like you said its better to be direct when you end a friendship. The easy thing would be to do the passive aggressive thing - that's my comfort zone. But I don't want to do that, and she is not using me or talking bad about me, or whatever reasons one has to end a friendship. She's just oversensitive. Would I want to sit her down and say, I don't want to be your friend because you get your feelings hurt by me too easily? That's the reason the relationship is uncomfortable. So I can do my best to address that from my side and still have a form of friendship with her.

Someone who is mean or using you. That's tough. You do have to say, I am no longer interested in being close to you because of A, B and C. You can do it face to face or in a letter. Both have benefits and its up to you to decide what's best.

Actually I guess I do have an example of directly ending a relationship - though it was not a friendship. I was studying with Jehovah's Witnesses. I am firm in my beliefs, but wanted them to know that I'd listened to their points and could defend why I disagreed with them from the Bible. However I learned that they don't work that way. You give a defense to something, they agree with you, and then plow ahead restating their original point that you just disagreed with, as if you were all on the same page. It was bad communication and they're trained to do this. It got to a very frustrating place and I was hoping that we could just say, let's agree to disagree and either end the study or just study something else. But they were avoiding that like crazy. My friends advised me to leave them a note or ignore them. But I was uncomfortable with that. At first I wrote them a letter about all the points I disagreed with and why, and told them I'd be happy to have a Bible study on those points, but could not agree with their point of view. But just didn't feel right about giving it to them or leaving it taped to the door. So I had the face to face discussion with them. It was awkward, they denied believing the things I had issues with them, stating it was just different wording. LIES! Anyway, I just had to tell them over and over and over that their beliefs were detrimental to my faith and I had to be true to my conscience, so could no longer study with them. Eventually they got it.

I think that's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I had only met with these people about 4 times and never run into them. I know it would be much harder to do this with a friend. But it really is best to be direct.