So I asked everyone's opinion yesterday about what I should do about a friend who I've had trouble with this past year and her avoidance of me for the past two weeks since her father died.
Many of you pointed out that I was crazy to even be persuing or fretting over this relationship with someone who obviously didn't want a personal relationship with me. (Agreed.) One person even suggested I get counseling. (Harsh.)
I'm all renewed...eyes opened. I agree...this person betrayed me, threatened my job and my relationship with my fiancee, was hostile to me at work and to my child at company events (we work together) and after almost a year she finally decides that we can try to mend our relationship, though she wants nothing to do with my personal life including my child, my new home or my fiancee. Yesterday was an "A-HA moment" for me.
Well, today she sends me a message asking if I want to do lunch this week. At this point, I really don't. I agree with everyone. This relationship is sick and it keeps me fits of dispair. But I do care about her. Her father just died. No matter how much she has hurt me, I don't want to hurt her. How do I respond?
Thank you all for your input. I did accept her lunch invitation and we went yesterday. We kept the conversation very light and didn't mention the dad thing until the very, very end. It was a nice lunch, but I think everyone's advice on here is true. I think I have had a hard time understanding what went wrong seemingly overnight in our relationship. It was that question that really kept my wound open and wouldn't allow me to heal. I believe that there isn't any answers, it just is. I am going to remain "light and cheery" at work as that was my main problem from before - the hostility at work - and let go over the other baggage. I am going to quit so "desperately seeking" her friendship and let things lay as they are. Thanks for everyone's advice!
Why do you keep making excuses for her actions. You already tried to reach out to her about her father and she didnt want to be bothered. You are letting her control you. Now she is saying I want to go to lunch. She is bad for you. You are just gonna have to let her go. It's not worth it to me. Sometimes you have to jut move on.
That is a tough call. I would say move on and no lunch. However, she lost her father and probably needs to a shoulder to cry on. Since you work with her you still have to keep the "game face" on. If you do lunch I would accept and have the lunch keeping the focus on her and none on you. Because like one of the earlier posts said...What is her motivation?? Then after this lunch keep the nice pleasantries but do not move to set up any additional dates or committments for lunch, coffee whatever etc....Like I said yesterday..this sounds like a toxic situation and you certainly don't need it. This is Tuesday...If you don't have the lunch by Friday let it go.
No lunch. Send a condolence card.
You respond with a condolence card and leave it at that.
Do not do lunch.
She is grieving and your life sounds like sunshine, roses and rainbows right now.
Just keep a formal distance.
I think you need to learn the difference between a "friend" and a co-worker"! There's your answer.
If you have the time do a QUICK lunch, maybe respond sure I can do a quick lunch, but will have to keep it short. Express your sympathy for her lost. Try to stay away from any drama topic from the past.
If you do not have the time, maybe tell her that you could do a quick lunch on whatever lunch time you have free. Then keep the topic to safe things, if it is a 30 min lunch then you have a short amount of time to talk yet will be able to express your sympathy for her lost.
Don't do lunch! Just respond with 'sorry, have plans already' or 'sorry, running errands'.
You are letting her control the friendship, and you just had an awakening. If you want to do lunch on Friday or next week, then okay, but put it on your terms.
M.
Ah, S.. My heart is with you! I read your previous post and it hit a chord with me, as I too have been going through major best-friend (or shall I say ex-best friend) drama. You got such good feedback before that I ended up not posting a response.
I think, if you can go to a CASUAL lunch, just for the sake of supporting her in her difficult time, then go ahead and go. But I would keep it short. Lunch, and that is it. Express sympathy for her father's passing, ask her if there is anything you can do to help out, but LET GO of any hopes for a deep meaningful friendship. Cuz if you don't, you're just going to be back in this same boat in a few weeks or months: feeling let-down over this one-sided friendship.
It is so frustrating that the minute you are ready to let go, your friend pops in! That is what has happened to me over the last 8 months: reaching out, being rebuffed or ignored, and then the minute I finally am like "AHA! I get it! I am done and ready to move on!", that is when my friend has suddenly texted me or emailed me. Unfortunately, what happens is, I get all excited, open up my heart again, only to get it broken. Over and over. I know, sounds dramatic, but my friend really was like a sister to me and it has been devastating to let the friendship go. I am still working through it- but it does help to fill your life with new things and people. Good luck! I wish you the best.
Tell her no about lunch, but get her a sympathy card.
If you just cant help yourself and do lunch anyway - bring some other coworkers along so its "we coworkers support you" and not "now I am your new bestie"
I have sorta read things on this here and there.... but not getting the whole picture coming in a little late. I do know that I had a friend similar to some of the things your saying. I then decided to end the friendship and it happened to me too that she asked to get together after I decided. Well I did go. Had a nice lunch and talked about differenet things and then we have not spoke since. So if you think you can deal with this one last time.... that would be a good finalle' to end with :0)
You need to stop being her doormat. Politely decline the lunch invitation and make yourself unavailable to her. If any drama arises from her, deal directly with her, avoid emails and text messages because it is very difficult to perfectly read the authors tone and mood through those types of communication. Remain civil and professional and please move on to better friendships. Once I made the choice to only become close to friends who treated me the way I treated them, I made the best friends of my life! It isn't the end, it is only the beginning!
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice (three, four, five times) shame on me. Seriously Girl...move on. Best case scenario she is a user/abuser that needs to make you feel bad in order to make herself feel better. Worst case she is off her nut entirely. Either way you do not need that toxic relationship. You've already sent card and flowers and offered to support her at the time of her loss. SHE refused to even tell you when/where the funeral was. That in and of itself speaks volumes. I would NOT do lunch or anything else for that matter. I wouldn't attempt any contact at all. Are your jobs intertwined, do you need contact at all for work related issues? If so do your best to maintain a professional working relationship if necessary. If not then just avoid her entirely. I would politely decline the lunch request, just a simple message "I'm sorry but not available for lunch." Do not initiate any further contact, should she contact you regarding business, keep it professional. Should she contact you on a personal level just tell her straight up "This relationship just doesn't work for me." and leave it at that. Good Luck and God Bless
you're a good person and care about others well being. Go to lunch with her, speak on the subjusts she chooses and give nothing as far as your world unless asked. She may just want to talk about her dad and knows that you are willing to listen.
Know that because she is selfish that this may be all that you ever get out of this friendship...Her way or the highway so to speak. It's not much of a "friendship" but if you know ahead of time then you will protect yourself from being hurt in the future.
Keep things civil and nothing personal. She is obviously not your best friend if a friend at all. She is more of an aquaintance and stop it at that. It is noble to have a big heart as you do but is not wise to keep giving and get nothing in return. It hurts more to you than she would ever understand.
NOOOOOOOO. It's over. Just cuz you helped her get the job and she is the FIRST friend? Move on and get a new work friend.
"Thanks, but I already have plans."
Well, you could continue to play cat and mouse games or go and see what she wants. Since you actually were wanting her to reach out like this. I agree with Denise P. about knowing the difference between a friend and co-worker. I had two "Co-workers" I considered friends. Both, I invested a lot of time and emotion in even double dating with our husbands etc... going to each others houses yadda, yadda, yadda, my husband warned me about her pulling me down on more instances I can count. I found out that when they let her go she had lied a million lies about me. My husband had told me the cream rises to the top and she is gone and I am still there to confirm his point. But I have to say that even after they let her go, I planned on maintaining our friendship until she pretty much ended it abruptly. Later I found out she left her husband who had lost his state job due to the economy. She had used him to take care of HER 5 children for the past 5 years and now was moving on.... NO ONE could have pointed out all the obvious when I was in the midst of being her friend. Hind sight is 20/20... She recently came by our place of business, has e-mailed me etc... and I was so hurt, I would cross the street to avoid her. Now, I think I wouldn't mind hashing it out with her and but I would have to throw my boss under the bus because she was the one who told me about my friend... I mean co-worker's lies.... are you beginning to see my point?
I didn't even have to defend myself... my boss said "Why do you think that YOU are still here?" Because she believed ME.
Your friendship with your CO worker has already had a million red flags pop up... I think that all the advice you have gotten is pretty right on but on the other hand... go out to lunch with her for once and for all. Don't confront her just see what she says and then back away.
I think from getting to know you by all of your posts... you might kick yourself for not having that one last lunch to just see what she says and then slowly back away, being more and more unavailable outside of work without the drama. If you just grow apart rather than a dramatic break up, I think you might find it easier to co-exist at work. And try not to talk to anyone at work about your plans or feelings about this coworker.... gossip is posion at work and no matter how well you trust someone to keep confidences... you will always worry about a slip up. It is just easier to talk to friends away from work! Please check back in! I'm curious now how lunch goes! LOL.
Good luck!
I'm glad the lunch was a good one as it sounds like it put your mind at ease. I want to say that sometimes friends become aquaintances. We don't expect that to ever happen, but people do change and that sometimes causes friendships to not be as strong or as warm as they once were. It doesn't mean anyone did something wrong. It means we evolve. It also gives us new reason to reach out and meet a new person.
