This is kind of embarrassing but I need some suggestions. I am suffering from low libido as a resulting from depression, stress, exhaustion, weight gain, etc. I have gotten with my doctor about it and we are trying a new medication for my depression since the other one is a known killer of libido. While taking that step, I am in the process of changing my lifestyle, i.e. diet change, exercise more, vitamins, etc. So I am trying to do all that I can from that end of it but there's another area that I need to tackle. Currently, the whole idea of the "act" disgusts me. (I know strong word, but that's where I am) but certain acts really push me to my limit, I mean to the point where I just want to gag. I know probably way too much info. I love my husband and I am still attracted to him, it's just that I have no desire for that intimacy whatsoever. Hugging, kissing, cuddling - yes but not the other. Some of these "acts" have never really held that much appeal for me before I started feeling this way but I tolerated them in order to satisfy him. These "acts" didn't and don't do anything for me. I have a extremely hard time talking to my husband about such things. I mean I've allowed him to do these "acts" (oh by the way, these "acts" aren't vulgar or out there at all - just the norm - for a clean example - tongue in the ear -YUCK!) for as long as we've been together. They didn't cause me to gag before like they do now but I've never really enjoyed it. So for me to tell him now after 12 years that I don't like this and this, seems harsh. As we all know it'll be a blow to his ego. I however, have come to the conclusion that I must talk to him somehow without hurting his feelings. I feel as if I am really not able to completely satisfy him because I am just sick by all of it. He knows I went to the dr's and why so I'm thinking of just explaining to him what the dr said, and then just gently go into the fact that he needs to be more patient with me and to try to avoid these things. How do you talk to your husbands? I have tried to redirect him during the motions but that is sometimes really hard to do. Sorry for the length but I'm at a loss. I don't like talking to him about this stuff, hence why it has gone on for so long. Need some tips. Thanks ladies.
You dont tell him your dislikes, you put emphasis on what you LOVE. leave no time, or room for the other stuff if he focuses on the sweet spot.
dont react to the stuff he does that you dont like, let it be known with shivers, movements moans, (you get the idea) the stuff that you do. he will catch on
First of all, a tounge in the ear IS disgusting!!!
I really think that you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can have enjoyable intimacy. I would explain to him everything your feeling, and why your libido is low right now, and suggest some things to him that you might like. I hope this is only temporary for you and you can get some help where its needed. Just be honest.
My opinion is that you approach him by telling him what you DO like and want him to do. _______ really turns me on and that puts me in the mood. If you know what it is that turns you on. I am sure that he will do that if he knows that is what turns you on. Most men like to do whatever it is that turns their women on. I would not tell him that you have NEVER liked something that he has done. Maybe just say something like my body has changed lately, and although that used to do it for me, now, not so much - but YOU do it for me so let's play around and find what works now. Hope that helps!
Lie.
You know hon, I don't know if it was having kids, or the depression, or what... but a lot of things I used to love are doing the OPPOSITE right now and turning me off. I'm totally baffled. It's like my body rewired or something. I think we're going to have to do some experimenting.
You could even make it fun/ a game. www.babeland.com has tons of books and articles and how-to's.
Anyhow... you may find you REALLY enjoy certain things, but never "found" them, because you pretended to like things you didn't, so your husband stuck with what he thought you liked. I know every man I've been with has taught me something new about myself AND that certain men can do X but others try the same thing and it's YIKES! Huh-uh! Ditto there have been different phases in my life where I like different things.
((btw... toys in babeland is an amaaaaaazing woman owned/operated store. Killer place online and in real life. It's not all skeezy / embarassing, but rather clean/ bright/ informative/ welcoming))
I know it's a hard conversation to have - I feel for you and I wish you luck!!!!!
I would try the old song - ac-cen-tuate the positive. e-lim-inate the negative. I find this works well - especially with men and kids (who aren't too far apart on the scale of not liking negative info!!!!!).
So I would have the conversation about going to the Dr and then tell him you were thinking about things that you really LIKE that he does WELL. And you and the DR thought that if he could do those things MORE it might help you - and then list a couple of the not-as-x-rated-stuff.
You said you have tried to re-direct him..... but maybe if you are re-directing him in a positive way rather than a "don't do that" way it might work?????
I found that if that my guy was doing xyz that I don't like I just looked at him and said "I LOVE it when you kiss my neck - could you do that?" followed by a couple "that feels really good". After I did that a couple times he ended up rarely doing the other thing and would go for the neck (sort of pavlovian, I think). But that depends on your tolerance for having it take a couple times.
I think you can also give him prefer over dislike - I like it when you rub my back more than when you kiss my ear.
If all else fails..... I think you can make it easier if you are up front about the fact that YOU have been embarrased to be honest about what does and doesn't please you. Again, I would focus on the positive, and maybe only pick the top 1 or 2 things that he does that you don't like as opposed to giving him a list.
And here's the controversial stuff - try to get YOURSELF 'in the mood' BEFORE you know you are going to be with him. Whatever it takes (and I do mean WHATEVER). [If you don't know what pleases you - now might be a good time to do some 'exploration' (if you know what I mean)]. If you can't do even that - that's OK, but maybe just thinking about something he did nice for you would make you feel better about being with him.
I hope you find an answer - intimacy is really really important in a relationship so I hope that he can help you.
I agree with Grandma T (as usual) dont tell him Ii've never liked that"
My likes have changed as I've aged, my reactions have changed, I feel very differently, so it's very believable and truthful to tell him your likes have changed "that doesnt do it for me anymore" And exagerate your reaction to what you do like.
I totally understand where you are and I am wondering if your hormones are off; way off. Depression, weight, exhaustion, low sex drive.....you are basically screaming that things are off. I found a holistic doctor that detected it without me telling him anything. I am SOOOOOOO happy to have the issue corrected at the core, although I would have taken any meds if it would have helped, but I felt it was hormonal and the OB's tested me but I am in 'normal,' so there is nothing they could do. Apparently the range for normal is wide and it is not an accurate test. Anyway, I wish you lived closer but HIGHLY recommend Dr. Chalmers at Chalmers Wellness in Frisco. Let's just say, the issues i listed above now are no longer! Seriously. I am up at 5 exercising, stay busy all day and still in the mood by the end of the night----I use to feel repulsed by the thought, now everything he does is attractive to me again. Amazing how strong our hormones are but seriously they are wicked or wonderful. I know this is not what you were asking for, but I have to share just in case you are going through what I did and I so wish you could be where I am now.....I know your pain and frustration------
If you have any questions or anything, feel free to message me.....
BTW: I am not 32 and have had issues for years.....don't let doctors tell you you are too young or whatever for hormone issues....it is not true!!!
You don't have to tell him that you have never enjoyed these things. All you have to do is start talking to him about things you DO like. Like in the moment if you like some place he touches you, say yes, right there (lol-or how ever you want to say it-thats natural to you) and that will stroke his ego-he will do more of that. If you don't like something he is doing, you can guide his hands or whatever to another spot-- he will take the cue and move it. Make sure you praise him alot when he does something you like. As for things you didn't like before, you can just say things are changing and you don't like ______so much, but you LOVE _________. You really need to communicate more! Even if you don't like it, its not healthy to have such division in your marriage. Your hubby should know exactly what you love and what you don't love. Otherwise, how in the hell will you/him ever be satisfied??? Take care and get to talkin' :)
Molly
Get cozy with your hubby and tell him you want to talk about life or anything. Casually bring up sex and how much you used to enjoy it. Bring up old memories yall have together and then start asking him about his likes and dislikes and add yours in as well. Make it a natural fun conversation and don't make it all about yourself. Question him about what he likes and would like more of and tell him what you like and what you could pass on. It really doesn't have to be a dramatic conversation. If you don't talk about it you will end up hating sex all together. Im sure your hubby won't mind changing it up a bit if it means you enjoy it more!
