I could use some advice.
If a valued, trusted colleague or loved one is arguing with you, but arguing with something you did not say but rather something they read into your words, how do you handle it? Do you just let them talk? Do you say anything in response? If you respond, what kind of things do you say? How has your approach worked out for you?
My inclination is to push back, then try to resolve the conflict that now seems more like a real conflict because I pushed back. Obviously, that's not the best way to go! (please keep in mind, we're talking about good people we need and want in our work and/or private lives)
THANKS!
ETA: Does your approach change if it's not about hurt feelings, but rather schedules, plans, etc.? Does it matter if the source of misunderstanding is...baffling?
Thanks! I'll keep checking for advice - this is all helpful.
The particular incidence that had me thinking about how I handle stuff like this was an odd occurrence, and in this case, out of character. Because the person who was doing it seemed to be acting out of character, it helped me realize how I handle this kind of behavior is not effective.
And as much as snarky comments about mind-reading tempt me (and made me laugh - thanks), they're probably not the best approach at work. ;0 However, I do have a family member who could stand to hear that!
Thanks again - This co-worker seemed to think I was telling her she could not have what she wanted(and seemed angry), even though I continued to tell her I was all for her getting what she wanted but I needed the team to plan for it together - and clarification wasn't working. To me it was weird. But I think she was super stressed. And didn't feel heard. After thinking about it, I am guessing that she needed to feel heard about her worries and needs.
Whenever people get angry about something I didn't say, I have a hard time knowing how to stop what is happening. There is a lot of good advice for the situation I described here and ALSO for when these situations with a specific family member (that I wasn't even originally thinking about).
Kathy's advice is PERFECT for work when clarification isn't working! THANK YOU!
"I'm so sorry, I didn't use the best choice of words, but that is not at all what I meant to say. I can see how you might misinterpret my words. I truly apologize for the misunderstanding."
Then, you can add, "What I meant was ______."
I would acknowledge what they are saying, showing them that you are listening. Then apologize that you may have hurt their feelings and remind them that you would never do it on purpose. Then let it go.
Most of the time, people are looking to feel heard. Just show them that you are doing that and everything should be fine.
"I'm so sorry, we seem to have miscommunicated. I understand that you heard me to say XXX, but what I really meant was ZZZ. I apologize that I wasn't clear, but now that we realize that there was a misunderstanding, how can we move forward to fix this?"
Hi E., in my ideal world I would say something like "I feel like you are reading a meaning into my statement that I didn't intend. I would love to discuss this with you but I can't do that until we can get on the same page. Let's talk about it again when we both have had some time to think about it." Then walk away.
It's according to who it is. Is it somebody who just likes to hear themselves talk? Is it somebody who always wants to have the last word? Do they EVER listen to what you say?
You get the gist of the kind of person I'm talking about above. You can like this person plenty, and yes you want them in your lives, etc... but there comes a point where you need to just say ENOUGH.
I'd either let them go on and on and then I'd say "Are you finished yet?" And then I'd tell them that they misunderstand and then reiterate what you said. If they persist, then say "We'll need to agree to disagree here. I know what is in my mind and heart, and what you are saying is incorrect. Let's just leave it here and not discuss it anymore."
If you don't do this, you may have more of this over and over. You can like people, want them in your lives, but you need SOME boundaries. There are points that you get to with people that a line gets crossed and you kind of have to pull them back over the line...
I start with "Where did you get THAT idea? I never said that. If you came to that conclusion then I'm sorry you didn't understand me.".
well, it IS pretty hard to say with such a vague scenario. the best i can do is to suggest that you simply clarify what you meant. listening is good, but if they've taken your words wrongly, there's no way they're going to understand correctly if you don't attempt to make it clear.
but 'clarification' doesn't really mean the same thing as 'push back.'
schedules, plans and misunderstandings are all MUCH easier to set aright if there are indeed no hurt feelings. i don't understand why, under those circumstances, one wouldn't set the record straight.
khairete
S.
Cool you can read minds! What am I thinking now? How about now? Oh you can't read minds because you would be cussing me out right now!
I mock people that presume to tell me what I really meant. Generally speaking the only people who get pissed I never wanted to be friends with in the first place
I think if I said something sensible everyone around me would faint dead away.
I've found it works best to say nothing while they're expressing strong emotion. When they stop ask if you can talk now or would it be better to talk about it in an hour or tomorrow. If the person continues to not hear you tell them you're walking away/hanging up the phone and are willing to talk about it later. Then leave.
No one wins a heated argument. Arguing causes both people to dig in stronger worsening the situation.
I suggest you check out a way of talking called non-violent communication. There is a book with that title as well as information on the web. The skill teaches how to talk so that both people feel heard. I suggest you will have less conflicts using this way of thinking and talking.
