How Do You Stop Being Mad?

I'm sorry but when I truly feel I did nothing wrong, I just can't apologize! I let some time pass (I don't, however, play the 'no talking game' or 'the ignoring game') and usually my husband will realize he was a butt head in that particular case. And usually by then it's not such a HUGE deal in MY mind anymore, so I'm more receptive to the apology.
Did you have actual plans for 'that' day? If so, he was really insensitive to make other plans...or was it a "bookmark THAT day for me, OK?" type of plan?

When upset I always go for a walk or work out. This seems to help me calm down and I am exhausted afterwards. I seem to be able to think so much better when I am warn out. Why can't you apologize together. Sounds like you didn't do anything wrong, but he thinks you did.

Is it just me? You're in counseling and you're not even married yet? My husband and I did premarriage prep with our church, but it wasn't make sure we have the same goals and the church making sure we were ready.
The best words of advice I got from our sponsor couple was, "Marriage is 100% and 100%, not 50 50! Even if it is HIS fault, you have to suck it up and apologize. It is not worth harboring anger and ruining the love between you!

You're both under a lot of stress and you are working on your communication skills with your counselor so this whole exchange was a disaster waiting to happen!

Bottom line is... being "happy go lucky" when you're not doesn't work. The odds are pretty good that your comment came-off as sarcastic and passive aggressive and it was the proverbial "straw the broke the camel's back" that day. In the male mind, "wanting to do something with him" isn't the same thing as "having plans".

You are both in the wrong here b/c neither of you is actively communicating the level of stress and anxiety you are feeling and as a result you are "digging" and "jabbing" eachother. Name calling is a no-no, but that must be his go-to when he's feeling attacked. Your go-to is likely making passive-aggressive comments when you are feeling slighted. Stress reverts us back to old habits.

Be the bigger person here and acknowledge what you are really feeling and apologize for keeping those feelings to yourself and then expressing them in a non-productive way. Then ask for an apology on his end b/c he has to own-up to his part in this interaction as well!

Well that is just sucky. I agree 100% with you on the name calling. My husband and I basically agreed while dating that would never be an option for us during an argument b/c it just takes things to a whole new level, so I'd be just as angry as you are.

Here's what I'd do, and I'm the peacekeeper too. I can't stand it when someone is upset with me!!...Anyway, I'd approach him and start with the original argument and say something like hey I'm really sorry that my comment sort of spun everything out of control. I had hurt feelings and we were both tired and it just sort of went crazy. But, I feel like it was really inappropriate to call me a name and I'd like to talk about that.

This way you're apologizing for the situation not your actions. Yes, it's kind of shady, but I'm sure you are sorry that the situation spun out of control and even though you didn't make that comment with the intention of getting in a huge fight, you're still probably sorry things went down that way. I feel that when you're in a sort of stalemate then you need something to get the ball rolling and if he just hears the word "sorry" then maybe it will make him cough it up too!

Good luck, and remember...a lot of this is wedding stress for both of you! I don't want to keep coming back to that b/c obviously you need to make sure you feel comfortable that he won't call you names during an argument ever but things will get eaiser when the wedding is over.

IMO, I could chalk everything up to wedding stress EXCEPT the name calling. It's just unexceptable. Adults should have the ability to control themselves to a certain extent all of the time. I'm not saying I would not forgive and move past it, but an apology would be key in that.

Hopefully, a day away from eachother will bring clarity and calmness and allow for you to each communicate how you're really feeling. He needs to know name calling is off the table and also what he can expect to happen if he does it again. You both have to live by the same standards, ALL OF THE TIME.

I hope you two can resolve this and set some clear ground rules for future disagreements (bc they will happen). You are a team, and no matter how stressful things get or how mad you are at eachother, you have to work together to make things better for your family and yourselves.

R. - it's heat stress and wedding stress...instead of trying to get an apology or give one - just press on.....

I know this is hard to do - but PRESS ON - shake it off and don't keep score and don't hold it over each other's head.....

you have already said you don't have the time or energy to be mad - so don't. Make that conscious choice and NOT be mad....just let it go...

HUGS!!

It sounds like he is mad at himself for making that mistake. Instead of being angry with him, choose to be understanding and tell him that what he did made you feel _________. Say in the future, please don't do this again. Then tell him you are sorry that it became a name calling argument and you want to start over and figure out how to communicate better.

I don't know when you are getting married, but these issues won't go away without work---please get this straightened out before the wedding. Even if worse came to worse and you had to pospone the wedding date---its worth it for the health of your marriage!

M

Maybe he actually got mad at himself for accidentally making plans when he was supposed to have a plan with you? Rather than apologizing for his own forgetfulness he went straight to a defensive stance.... only because of wedding stress.
Maybe postponing the wedding would help, maybe it's coming up on him too soon and really causing extra anxiety? Were you guys happier before you decided to set a date in stone? Just wondering.
It is sort of concerning that you are in counseling already, that does raise some questions on whether this is really someone to spend your entire life with, even tho I do applaud the efforts if you have children together which I assume you do.
When ever partners snap off at each other for no good reason, there is always something deeper that needs to be unburied. Always.
None of us should have to live walking on egg shells, life is too short.
What would I do? I'm prettly laid back. If I didnt want to argue it further, I'd probably just let it go and act like it didnt happen. Things fix themselves a lot of times if we let them. You seriously cannot demand an apology from anyone because it's usually insincere when you do receive it. I'm sure he KNOWS he was out of line. Give him some time to apologize on his own.
Only YOU know what your dealbreakers are. Is this one?

Are you sure you want to get married. If both of you are too stubborn to end an argument like this, perhaps you should reconsider. Marriage does not solve problems that exist before hand.

Kudos to you for being smart & doing pre-marital counseling, so that you can start things out on the right foot.

I'm sorry your DF is sticking his toes in. The big thing to do is to apologize for hurting his feelings. Clearly, he felt attacked for what he probably thought was an honest mistake or misunderstanding.

So, the best thing to do is to apologize. You could say something like "I'm sorry our disagreement got out of hand yesterday, and that something I said really upset you." Wait for acknowledgement of this. Or, if you're not sure what you're supposed to be apologizing for, ask him (nicely); maybe say something like "Things got out of hand yesterday, and you said you wanted me to apologize first. I just want to understand the transgression so that I know why you feel wronged." (or something like that).

Once you figure out what he wants you to apologize for, even if you don't agree that you did anything wrong, you can still apologize for his feeling hurt/attacked/whatever, and tell him that wasn't your intention. Then, ask him how it would be better to bring this up next time, for example, if he did feel attacked about your comment about the plans next week. The key to avoiding it is finding a way to communicate in such a way that you aren't pressing each other's buttons and setting each other off.

If he doesn't apologize for the name calling, in a couple of days, bring it up as a separate thing from the apology above. Tell him that while you understand that he was upset, that was crossing the line in your relationship. And that if he feels that he's going to be that upset, then you two need to find some way to get breathing space and cool off before continuing the discussion. Ask him to help you solve this issue, rather than make it an ultimatum or rule dictated by you.

Rach - remind him you had made plans with him prior to his temper tantrum... and you didn't ask him to change the new plans, just to think about your feelings before he did something like that in a fit of childish angst.

Then I'd go on to mention that it was HIS behavior that caused a fight and his immaturity that fed the flames and you expect an apology from him - he should not be expecting one from you.

forgivness is hard. The only way to stop being mad is to forgive him for what your mad about. Forgiving is not for the offender it's for you. I personally dont' see anything wrong with going to counseling before marraige but is it working for you guys? Is part of the issue how he talks to you if so then he doesn't sound like he is working on it. My husband and I are going to start marraige counseling next week(as long as he works in town) and I am nervous that he won't participate. You don't have to appologize but don't play the victim either. Don't mope of hold it against him just bring it up to the counselor next time you go and see what he/she says. That's what I would do but you are not me so you do what you feel is nessecary. My husband says nasty stuff to me all the time and he is rarely sorry so he won't appologize just because I want one and an apology won't make the hurt go away but he does however say sorry when he feels sorry so I know I am never getting a fake apology. Do you want a fake one? I am not saying he feels you are the names he called you and I don't agree with name calling I don't care how mad a person is the fight should be about what the fight is about and not turn so ugly you don't even remember what caused the argument a month from now just that he called you @$$# and T%&^&*^ . Good luck to you! I feel your frustration.

Good question! Release the negative energy associated with issue (always easier said than done) I mad right now! but I am challenging myself to respond positive to my hubby even tho I want to say *********** the more positive responses that i give the more I am releasing the negative thoughts about what he did....SUCH A CHALLENGE! I hope I can last until sun down without snapping on his ***.

You communicated with him you & his expectation on how to handle the issue next time, just make sure you handle it that way.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with being the peace keeper because you don't hold unto the mess, I am not saying for you to apologize that is between you & hubby I'm just saying you made it loud & clear as far as the expectation so give him a chance to meet it.

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I think you both have a lot on your plate right now....If he name called then he needs to step up and apologize first. I am trying to understand why you would need to???? I wasn't there so I am not sure about who is right or wrong however, you're right name calling a no no....

Let him do this thing and you do yours...Focus on the wedding and as I posted to you yesterday.....I sure hope you are going on a honeymoon...this way you both get a break and have something to look forward to...You both are stressed out.

I feel your pain I wish I knew the answer, I've been looking for the same answer too!

Well, what I always do is to tell my husband not to talk to me for a bit because I am just too pissed to discuss anything and I for sure will regret it later. I tell him that I need time to be mad and to collect my thoughts and then usually when we are in bed we talk it out. I always try to remind myself of a few things when this happens to me (us)
1. will this actually matter if one of you were not here tomorrow? (of course the answer to this is always NO)
2. is an apology that you have to ask for really worth receiving? Not to me, but taking the time to explain how and why your feelings were hurt in the first place is always warranted and usually receives an honest apology
3. it takes two to tango and Im sure if I go back and analyze the situation that I probably have some fault in the arguement and possibly an apology to my husband is warranted from me

You are together for a reason, through thick and thin and yes you have a right to get angry but you owe it to yourself and to eachother to work these issues out in a constructive manner

Good Luck

OMG! This must be a guy thing because my husband does the SAME THING! I'll casually mention something that hurt my feelings or even something that really has nothing to do with him and next thing I know I'm apologizing. Argh. . . I really don't have any sound advice on how to deal with that and am interested in finding out how you deal with it because I could also use some tips on that. But I can totally relate and its one of those things that makes me crazy since my husband and I are both equally stubborn and if I don't end up apologizing we usually end up in this deadlock standoff until we just drop it altogether which I don't think is ultra healthy either.

Maybe bring it up during your counseling session? Perhaps your therapist can give you guys some good tips on how to deal with these situations. Counseling is a good neutral space to bring up issues like these, and trust me, the issues and arguments don't get any easier after the wedding!

P.S. I also agree fully with therapy/counseling! Just like in medicine, preventative care is always better than waiting until you're sick and too far gone to go to the doctor. We all have doctors for our bodies, why not our minds too?

you appologize and let it go. you pick your battles and this one is not worth fighting for. i would just say i was sorry for what happened and that you only thought you had plans with him on that day and he forgot and made other plans. tell him you don't like fighting and want it to be over. good luck.

First, it costs nothing to apologize. Pride makes an apology expensive. Pride makes you (both of you) not want to admit you were wrong and to blame, or partially to blame, for the "fight".

Second, if you aren't married, and are in counselling, you haven't even gotten to the rough parts of marriage. Find some one else that you don't have to go to counselling with before you even get married.

If you aren't married, but have had children with him, then you have to stick it out. Continue with the counselling. You and he should know or discover that name-calling is very immature and childish.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the companion manual, "The Love Dare". Do what "The Love Dare" suggests. If he is willing to step up and be "the man", get him a copy of "The Love Dare" too. It will make your relationship so much better. (I'm on day 13,000+.)

Good luck to you and yours.

There are always two sides. How did you try to prove your point? Were you entirely respectful during the entire exchange? By the description of the exchange as being a "fight" I'm guessing not especially since his feelings were also hurt. There's rarely one innocent party in a "fight."

So I'm guessing that you also said some hurtful things to him. It doesn't matter who said them first, who did what first, if one of you said something in response to the other as a reaction... it sounds as if you BOTH have some apologizing to do.

So why not be the bigger person and apologize first? "I'm sorry if it seemed like I jumped on you about the plans for next week. I realize now that it probably slipped your mind or maybe you were confused about which day we were planning to spend together. I'm sorry that we let things escalate into such a silly fight, and that we hurt each others feelings. I didn't mean to hurt yours. I did feel disrespected when you called me a ____ and I hope that doesn't happen again."

Don't forget to take turns when you're talking and to really listen to each other. Discussions happen when you not only talk to each other, but you also listen to what the other is saying. With a discussion, you come to understanding about each other whether you end up agreeing or not. The end result should not be about who wins or who is right, but if you understand each other.

Fights happen when you're talking or shouting at each other and are only interested in getting out what you have to say, with the purpose of trying to make the other person come around to your point of view.

So do you want to be happy? Or do you want to be right?