How Do You Deal with Guilt Trips and Manipulation?

distance distance distance.

i would not reach out to them for anything - they will get the hint eventually. don't answer when they call, smile and keep walking (as if you have something SOOO important that must be handled) when you pass her.

i'm not nice. i don't hang around if i'm being treated poorly.

Read "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Helpful to me. I find empathy without sympathy the best policy.

It's a shame that we *can't* change other people, because some people really need to change!

Since you say you have to coexist with this person, you obviously can't just move across the country or otherwise disappear. But you can get very, very busy. Check the caller ID before you answer the phone, and answer it only when YOU want to. Have only thirty to sixty seconds to talk to her whenever you're face to face (have something legitimate to do or somewhere to go so you're not lying). Don't even try to solve her situations. Let her problems be her problems; don't make them yours. Don't try to be helpful unless and until YOU want to be helpful.

She may well get angry at you and try to make you feel like dirt. Let her do so. Not everybody has to like you every minute.

Have you ever just looked at her and said "That really hurt my feelings. I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that." It might shock her enough to make her at least "think" before she crosses another line.

I agree with the mom who said to make have caller ID and see who is on the phone before answering. Make yourself less available to her.

When she is upset because you can't babysit, just say "I'm sorry - it just isn't going to work for me" and say goodbye. If she is in front of you, just shrug your shoulders and say "I'm sorry, I just can't" and turn around and walk away.

Sometimes you have to just harden your heart some. It's hard but some people will just suck the life out of you if you allow it. Stop allowing it.

Dawn

First, when she starts to load you up with her *stuff*, tell her the truth:"You know, maybe you should talk to a counselor about this. Sounds like it's really bothering you."

Repeat as necessary.

When she starts to get upset with you because you aren't doing what she wants, keep it factual. "You know, So and So, you asked me my opinion and I told you what I thought. Apparently it's not what you want to hear. Maybe you should talk to someone else."

or if it's not about that, still, stay calm and keep it factual. Don't apologize for anything you have no responsibility for, or any good decisions you make. If she gets upset with you for challenging her beliefs, don't recant. Don't smooth it over. Just reiterate: You asked, that's my opinion.

You may have read this already--one of the common behaviors of people like this is that when we make boundaries, they may exhibit 'change back' behavior. (This is from Dance of Anger, a great book on changing the patterns in our relationships) This is when they make it hard for you to make those boundaries and positive changes in your relationship. Here's one good article that might serve:

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com/2007/02/change-back-reac...

One quote from it:
"People who are used to stomping all over you usually react to requests to stop by stomping EVEN HARDER. This response is automatic; it's rarely as conscious as I'm making it sound. It's more along the lines of 'You're different and I don't like it, so I'm going to pressure you to go back to being the way you were'."

And if you have a choice and getting healthy isn't working, yep, time to end the contact if possible. Because (from same): "Remember: if boundary violators were nice, sweet, loving, perceptive, empathetic people, they wouldn't be boundary violators in the first place. Kind, empathetic people are generally sensitive to and respect boundaries. People who are not sensitive to boundaries and don't respect them are not, generally, kind and empathetic."

That is a tough one especially if this person is a family member or close friend. The only thing you can do is explain that he/she is an adult and needs to learn to figure out his/her own life. If this person continues to get into bad relationships, run out of money, ect then either get him/her a few books on handling money or relationships or just say something like I have heard good things about XYZ Counseling Center you should see if you can get an appointment. If this person gets huffy about it just say, I can't fix your life -- I am not a counselor --- this is not my job.

You should probably reassess your boundary making skills. They sound too loosey-goosey. If you really meant it, she would respect it. But if you offer excuses, or body language that states I'm Here for you...then she'll continue the guilt.

The first assignment for you is that you are going to have to become comfortable with making her uncomfortable. You are going to have to state your answer and feel the awkwardness of her realization that you are indeed saying No, or Not Now. You have to feel good about protecting your time. You must speak the truth. Be honest. I cannot help you now or listen to this.

Sometimes in the beginning of learning how to set and keep boundaries it is easier to avoid that person. So, come up with a list of great one liners that are totally believable. I'm off to the dentist, doctor, coffee with a friend, shopping, errands, volunteering at school, picking up something for a neighbor, etc.

You can even say, I would love to talk but I just can't. Hope you get through this....or find another sitter. Maybe next time. We all have to learn how to deflect uber needy people.

P.S. Let us know what you tried and if it worked or not??? Because it takes practice...lots.

If that person is family, then the answer is definitely red wine and chocolate...rinse and repeat as needed.

If that person is a friend, eventually you just have to distance yourself from the drama.

Not knowing the relationship/dynamic, I don't know how to be specific. You can't necessarily say, "Lose my number!" to your mother.

I tend to put things right back on the people who try to put things on me. It's rare because people in my life know that I don't play that. I've said to my own grandmother, "That is your issue, and I'm not gonna let you make it mine." Then, I continue with the relationship. We have a good one. I proudly own my "meanness".

I ask questions in my relationships because I like to be clear about what's going on. I don't want to assume or dance around anything, unless we've discussed it and decided that this is something that we dance around, you know what I mean? I have actually said, "Okay, just to be clear, we don't talk about this?"

When certain people try to bring stuff into my space, I determine where and how it fits in my space, by asking questions to figure out how relevant it is. If I determine that it's not relevant, then I have them either leave it at the door or hold it in their lap, until they leave. Imagine someone showing up at your house with a worm cake. You don't eat worm cake, but they want you to have it and always insist on offering it to you. You can say, "Now, Marsha, I've told you that I don't eat worm cake, and you keep bringing it to me. If you bring it in, don't set it down anywhere because I don't want you to forget it here. I don't want it finding any comfort in my house. We can sit and visit, but I will not even taste your worm cake." If it interests you to do so, you can offer Marsha a plate and fork to eat her worm cake, but you can also tell Marsha that you don't want that cake touching your dishes and you're not interested in watching her eat it.

You have to be firm about what your boundaries need to be, and then just enforce them with everyone in your life. Many things are gray, but you need to be black and white until you get a handle on how to balance the firm with the fuzzy.

Don't answer the cell. Text a response instead when you KNOW she cannot answer.

I agree with Catherine C. You cannot control the person, but you can control with how you react to them. I have a brother that can ocasionally drive me crazy, but I have learned over the years that I've gotta just realize he is the one who needs to deal with his self. I can either choose to let it upset me or just go on with my life and make room for him when and if he chooses. Some people never own up to their actions and there's no way of making them see how what they do affects you and those around you. You can't please everyone all the time!