How Do You Communicate with Your Mom?

I'm not chatty. I don't make phone calls just to shoot the breeze. I call when there is something worth talking about. My mom is the same way.

I think you are reading too much into this. Some people just do not use the phone that often, it does not mean she is not thinking about you or that the is not interested in you. Sometimes I will go months before I realize how long it has been since I called my dad, it is not because I don't love him, but because I have a life and sometimes time just really flies by. Just continue to call her and don't overanalyze things.

My mother and I tend to call each other when we have something to discuss or information to relay. It's not about disinterest, it's about not being chat-about-nothing people. I'd categorize us as close, but nether of see the point of nattering on about the banalities of everyday life. If a few weeks go buy and no one calls the other, it means everything is well and typical.

I've been on the phone with my mom more often in the past couple of months because she had a serious health scare and the subsequent recovery situation needs managing. I'd love to be able to go back to not calling/being called frequently because it would mean things were stable again.

My mom passed away in November. So I would love to call her right now! Before that, she had Frontal Termperal Dementia/Alzheimers so she didn't even know who I was which broke my heart.

Before she got sick and even afterwards, I talked to her every day. I laugh about some of our phone calls. My parents lived in CT when I was having our daughter in Houston. She called my labor room ALL THE TIME to see if I had had the baby yet. One time she said "what the hell are you waiting for"? She wasn't being mean she was just so damn excited about being "Nannie". And honestly, I was in labor for 28 hours so I'm not sure what the hell we were waiting on!!! Oh, I hadn't thought about that memory in a long time!!! =)

When she got ill, she would say "I love you" all the time. I truly believe she was trying to say it because she knew there would be a time when she wouldn't be able to. I would pay ANY amount to hear that right now from her.

If your mom isn't toxic or anything like that and you get along, call her. Have you asked her to call more often? Does it really matter who calls who?

I miss my mom and have for several years, death just made it final. Honestly, call your mom. Not being able to SUCKS!

i communicate with both my mom and my stepmom through meditation, ritual and omens. i'd love to have the phone option.
sounds like your mom is tickled to hear from you, but not much on picking up a phone herself. i get it. i'm not a phone person. i love hearing from my kids, but also am very careful about not making them feel guilty or weighed down by me. so i text or FB message 'em frequently, like every couple of days, but don't fret about responses or interfere with their busy busy lives by calling a lot.
you want to talk to your mom. call her.
khairete
S.

My mom waits for me to call her. It does not bother me at all that this is the dynamic. I try to call her a couple times a week. She doesn't call me because she feels like I am so busy and she is worried she will call at a bad time. She also gets her feelings slightly hurt if she does call and I have to go because I am busy at that moment (which she realizes is silly, but she still feels that way). So, I just make it my responsibility to call her and catch up. She is lonely and getting a phone call from me is really important to her. I know when she works, when she has yoga, and when she has garden club. So I have my set times I usually try to call. I know she is interested in my life, so I don't think that way. Have you ever asked your mom why it is she never calls you? Tell her you really wish she would call you sometimes because it would make you feel loved. But perhaps she cannot change for some reason.

Don't take this personally - realize that your mom is just not one to pick up the phone. Who knows why. Maybe becuase her mom was that way? Maybe she has this strange deep down fear of rejection and when you call her she's so excited that you love her and want to be in her life.

Just because people are adults doesn't mean they've grown out of child-hood pains, habits, hurts, problems. I'm 55 and I can still get teary over my father deserting my family when I was 12. (not always but at times) and my husband still deals with the effects of a mother who severly neglected him and to his day admits that she favored her other son. (who does that?) So who knows why your mom is the ways she is, but understand she may still be dealing with the affects of how she grew up and the hurts that she may not even realize she's under.

So reach out to her, call her and invite her to the park, to lunch, for you and the kid to go over her house, etc. And maybe ask her in a way that won't put her on the defense - say something like "hey mom I love spending time with you and the kids really love their grandma and we have such a nice time together - how come you don't call us to spend time together? You seem to enjoy being with us as much as we enjoy being with you." And see what she says. But it's really not that important.

Anyway - my mom and I used to speak frequently once I had kids, and then we bought her house and built her an apartment - so we didn't have to pick up the phone.

But this is my word of wisdom for the day - chances are your mom will leave this earth before you, and you will miss her. My mom has been gone for almost 2 years and a day doesn't go by that I don't miss her and feel like calling her to tell her somethine or ask her a question. I wish all those frustrating times we had with eachother were back now. So - give her the benefit of the doubt - call her and spend some time together. Who asks who isn't important at all at the end of the day.

As long as your mother enjoys your calls and seems interested when you call her -- just continue to be the one who initiates the phone call.

Who knows why she doesn't call you. Maybe she's shy. Maybe she's passive. Maybe she thinks you don't want her bugging you. It could be many things, but ultimately she's just not one to initiate phone calls. At least you get along when you call her.

You could try the direct route: "Mom, just curious, why do you never call me?"

My mom and I talk on the phone and text several times a day. I call her and she calls me.

Keep calling her! I love that she's excited to chat and make plans when you call. Maybe she feels like she's bothering you when she calls. Or maybe she thinks your busy with kids and will call her when you have a moment.

Can you ask her? Or, just say to her, "You know you can call me whenever".

No, I don't think your mom has very little interest in you. I bet she's just afraid to bother you.

Don't stop calling her. If you want her to call you, ask her, or tell her that you would really like that.

My mom calls me more than I call her. Honestly, she HATES the phone and I feel like I'm bothering her unless I'm calling to share super exciting news. But I still do it sometimes because she's my mom and I consider myself blessed to be able to still call her. My dad doesn't hear very well on the phone - so we keep phone calls to a minimum. Fortunately, I live 10 minutes from my parents so I get to see them often enough.

Like Fuzzy, I am not chatty, nor am I a phone person. Mom calls me once a week, more if there is something going on. I rarely call her, not because I don't love her and am not thinking about her, but because she can talk for hours and say nothing and I just don't have time for that. I will text and email no problem, but don't really like to chat on the phone nor do I have time for lengthy calls (unless I'm in drive-line at school pickup). Unfortunately my Mom does not have a cell phone, and gets on email only sporadically so unless I'm up for a 30 minute chat about how the pastor at the church feels like he's not appreciated or the neighbor next door is painting her dining room I don't call her. I would communicate with her a lot more if she had text or email.

"I suspect my grandma never called my mom, and now my mom never calls me."

You have part of your answer right there. They had a relationship where your mom's mom modeled the idea that the parent doesn't call the child, and your mother is applying that lesson, learned from her mom, to you.

But knowing that does not make it easier for you if you want a relationship where your mom takes more initiative to contact you. It is an explanation, though, and please try to step back a bit from hurt emotions to recognize that your mom is showing you a behavior she, herself, learned from her mother and probably thinks is the right and appropriate way for a mother to behave toward an adult child. Can you see that maybe your mom's lack of calling -- coupled with her obvious pleasure in talking to you and doing things with you when YOU call -- means she IS interested in you but waits to be contacted?

It's also possible, depending on your mom's upbringing, personality and generation, that she believes that parents should not interfere with their adult kids' lives, and while you may not interpret calling as interfering, she might believe that if she calls you she is somehow getting in your way (even if you never, ever made her feel that way).

My late mom and her friends of the same generation tended to be like this with their adult kids: "I don't want to bother you; you are so much busier than I ever was at your age, with kids, work, house..... So I don't want to distract or bother you or make you feel I"m needy when you have so much on your plate." It is not an indication that they don't care, don't love us, don't have any interest in the kids; but certainly in my mom's case it reflected her reserve, her private nature -- and her belief that others wanted privacy and space.

It's sad that your mind goes quickly to the idea that "maybe my mom really has very little interest in me personally" as you write above. If she is "excited to plan things, chat" etc. when you call, and if those chats include her inquiring about your welfare, or asking how the kids are doing -- isn't it possible this is more about personality, privacy, not wanting to pry, and having learned distance from her own mom, than it is about any lack of love for or interest in you?

The big question here is, have you told her directly that you'd really, really welcome her calls? That you enjoy spending time with her and doing things, and would like her to, say, attend the kids' school events at times, or just call you when she wants to meet the next day, and that you are not too busy? She may have the impression -- certainly if she pays any attention to any parenting coverage on TV or in the newspapers -- that you are going to be just too busy, even if you yourself know you're not. She may need to hear point-blank that "Hey, mom, I really want you to start reaching out to me and calling me at times. It would mean a lot to me."

Drop her a snail-mail card sometimes -- that can be a good way to get an older adult to pick up a phone. Send it for no particular reason but jot a note to say, "Give me a call--I would love to hear from you. Are you around next week to get together?" or whatever.

It will take time to get her to take more initiative because she may be very used to waiting for you to do the calling. And she may never give you the level of contact from her end that you want. But I think you can see from the comment your grandma made that this is possibly a behavior ingrained in your mom over a lifetime, so expecting a big change wouldn't be realistic. But you have nothing to lose by telling her -- in person, not on the phone -- that you wonder why she doesn't call, and you'd always welcome her calls. You might find that she thinks about you more than you realize but doesn't call out of some belief that it's not her place or she might be a bother. She may need to hear from you that that's not the case.

I usually talk to my mom every day. Even a short call.
We pretty much know each others schedules and I'll call,say, after my son is in the bed, etc.
I probably make more calls to her but it's only because my schedule is a little more hectic.
I remember after my grandmother died, reaching for my phone at work to call her and realizing that I couldn't. Ever again. Sad.
I try to stay in very close touch with my mom.

Here's the attitude that I choose to take with people in general. Other people choose their behavior, just as we do. We aren't responsible for anyone's behavior but our own. Does that mean that you may be disappointed at times with others? Sure. But ultimately, we choose our actions and our reactions.

Even though we hope that others may "get it." Often times, they are going through life In their own way. My Dad isn't talking to me right now. It's been 3 months. When I sensed that he was distant I called and tries to reach him. I got nothing from him. I made the effort and I've chosen to limit those efforts now. He knows where I live and how to reach me. I'm not a doormat.

Hope you find some peace in the choices you make. You are an adult and you have every right to choose what's best for you.

My mom has never been particularly communicative either. It's not because she doesn't like me, she's just not a very chatty/social person. I don't remember ever feeling hurt by it.

If I wanted to talk to her (and I often did), I just called her.

She has Alzheimer's, and has recently been diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer, so I'm glad I did.

(Sorry about the guilt trip, but you're an adult now, if you want to see your mom, do so. She might even feel like she's bothering you or overstepping by calling you.)

On the other hand, if you don't particularly enjoy her company, then don't. Either way....

:)

I'm not a phone person, but my mom lives on the phone. We touch base every couple of days. Sometimes she calls; other times I text. I call her if I have something to really talk about. We get along well and see each other often.

In your case, I would continue to call her. Some people just aren't good at initiating contact. She seems happy to hear from you. Be glad of that.

We are a family of few phone calls. Every couple of weeks or so if I haven't heard from my mom, I'll call her. But then again if she hasn't heard from me she will pick up the phone and call me. I think it's great that some people talk to their mom's every day, but for me I wouldn't have any idea what to talk about. Neither one of our lives are very exciting I guess.

My daughter is a different story. She's 18 and because texting or social media is her generations preferred method of communication, that's how we "talk", and we are always commenting on or liking each others Facebook status or meme's so we are in touch daily, but I rarely call her and she rarely calls me, in fact an actual phone call is so rare, that they have been relegated to special circumstances and usually cause whoever is on the receiving end to worry that there is an emergency. (There never has been so I don't know why we both think that.)

For what it's worth, one of the reasons I don't call my daughter more often is because I don't want to be "that mom". Ya know the one who can't let her grow up and live her own life. I just like for her to know she has her space. Maybe your mom sees you as a perfectly capable adult with her own life and someone who will call her if you need her.

Before my mom passed away I called her multiple times a week just to talk. She hardly ever called me. Unless it had been a while since I had called... Then she would call to see if everything was ok. I think in hindsight that I was much busier than her and she didn't want to call at a bad time... Or call and not really have anything specific to say.
Not everyone is comfortable with just calling to talk... A lot of people feel they need a reason to call.
Try not to make a big issue out of it... You sill have your mom. Take it from me... If you want to call and talk or make plans. Just go ahead and do it. Time is too short to waste time reading into stuff like this. :) Hugs to you both. :)

My mom has been gone for a long time and I would love to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her in heaven. So if your mother is still alive, think about making that call now. Since your mom is excited to hear from you, perhaps she is concerned about interrupting your day or bothering you if she initiates the phone call. Also, if she lives out of town does she have unlimited calling or a limited plan? Maybe that is why she doesn't originate the calls so often. Why don't you ask her? Start with something like this: Mom, I really enjoy chatting on the phone with you. But I always have to do the calling. Why don't you call me sometime? I'd love to hear from you. Or Mom, call me tonight and I will tell you how Junior's game went.
My single adult daughter and I text back and forth during the day while she is at work and share pictures or other info and one of us will usually call the other every day or every other day. If I need to talk to her, I will usually text her, "call when convenient" since my time is more flexible. I talk to my son probably twice a week usually when he is on his way home from from work or sometimes at lunch. He will usually call me. If i need to talk to him, I will text him "call when convenient or call asap" and he will return the call. My DIL is busy with a little one. I usually text her to call when convenient because I don't want to disturb the time she is spending with my granddaughter or when she might be getting some rest. And then she will call back when it is a good time for her.

You can ask your sister if Mom calls her or not. My sister and I are usually the ones to call our mom and most of the time, if we do, Mom will chat for a while. In our case, I think it is both introversion and cost (long distance or cell minutes) and if we call her, we can put the expense on us if we use her landline. I also use email often. Does your mom email or use FaceBook? FWIW, I get an email back from my mom about once or twice a week, and probably call her just a few times a month. That works for us. I text my sister frequently.

I think that you should just call your mom when you want to talk to her and see it as a personality trait for her not to call people. If she didn't call her own sister, I would not take this personally. The phone is just hard for some people. I hate cold calls myself and even sometimes when I am calling a friend, I will be relieved to get their voice mail. Meet your mom where she is and put the hurt aside.

My mother & I talk about once a week. If I don't call her she will call me & vice-versa.

My sister & my mother hardly ever phone talk but my sister spends about 10 days with my mother every year, it's their thing.

I could never spend 10 days with my mother...I'd go crazy! I love her but come on now...

Dynamics of relationships can be strange.

Well, I just really really don't like to talk on the phone. I just don't. My mom is the same way. We probably talk twice a month, and then not for long.

But, this has nothing to do with how often we think of each other or if we love each other. I think my mom is great and I love her. And I know that she loves me. When we get together, we get along great and enjoy each other.

Please don't equate a personality trait (comfort with calling people) with maternal love. They have nothing to do with each other, IMHO.

You say that when you contact your mom, she is excited, amicable and available.

So you know "maybe my mom has very little interest in me" thing is not true. If she had no interest, she'd avoid your invites, and you would not get along when you get together.

By this post, your complaint is that she does not call you. Now that you mention it, my mom never calls me.

She's there if I need her. She writes an email asking about dates if she can come visit (once every several years). She sends nice boxes of things for kids and letters on paper. I email her occasionally. We visit rarely. She lives out of state and we have very different religious views. She loves me very much and vice versa and we've navigated our own unconventional way of functioning.

People are all different. Not everyone fits the "My mom calls and visits all the time and we get along great" mold.

She probably doesn't call your sister if your sister calls her constantly.

Your grandma probably never called your mom.

If you want to be called, you're going to have to tell her. But why not just work with the system in place?

I NEVER call my best friend of 20+ years. We got in the habit of her calling me yeeeeeears ago when she moved a lot and traveled for work and was always in weird time changes. She calls when she can, and I always answer or get right back to her. I send her emails and updates and she NEVER sends them to me and barely responds. She's not an emailer.

People have their comfort zones and ways of communicating. Don't let actions "symbolize negativity" for you without getting to the bottom of it.

I'm not a phone person. Neither is my mom. So we keep it really short (hey how's it going) unless one of us has a particular thing to talk about.

So what works for us (and the rest of my family) is texting, emails, sending pictures, Facetime or Skype, etc. We hooked mom up with a tablet, and I'll show her my latest painting (click!) and she replies and that's how we do it. We do not live close by though, so I just do it periodically throughout the day. Not every day - but if I make a recipe she gave me, (Click!) I send her a picture of how it turned out.

The thing is - with my family, we've grown into being friends as we all got older. I didn't need my MOM as much as I did growing up and I don't think she was interested in being my MOM to that extent, so it evolved. I go to her more as a mentor now. And I think she likes my younger perspective on things - so it's interesting to both of us. I don't know if that makes sense, but we don't have the same roles we did when I was growing up.

I think I matured along the way :) So she likes me more now!

Maybe you need to change your relationship with your mom a bit. If you worry she's only interested out of obligation, maybe it's time to get to know her as a woman - and not have the same expectations on her that you did before. I don't expect my mom to be there for me, or to call me, or anything like that. She's her own person, and I feel blessed she is in my life. I lost my dad years ago, so I know to value them for the person they are - not the role they have in your life.

Hope that makes sense. It sounds to me like your mom does care (of course) but may not be a phone person (like me!) and does appreciate when you ask her to do things (like friend type stuff) - so do more of that :)

Good luck :)

Since your mom gets happy and excited when you call her, I can only assume that she likes you and enjoys spending time with you.

Is it possible that your mom is holding back from calling you because she knows you have a full, busy life and doesn't want to be THAT mom that's bothersome to her daughters? What looks like apathy to you may in fact be your mother trying to be considerate and mindful of your time. If this is the case, and you want to see more of your mom, call her, plan stuff, she's happy, you're happy. Perhaps your mom *did* learn from HER mom that she shouldn't be all up in her daughter's space, that it's the daughter's choice to keep in touch. It's certainly possible.

Have you ever asked her why she never calls, why YOU'RE always the one to reach out? She might just say "Well, I know you're busy and I don't want to bother you so..."

When I was 7 my parents divorced and my mom moved an hour and a half away from the city that her large family lived in. Her mother invited everyone to her house once a week and for special occasions and a lot of the family came. With my mom's commute she couldn't make it much. My grandma would nag her often asking 'when she was gonna bring the kids down to see her'. My mom has mentioned often she wouldn't do this to us.
So, she got tech savvy. She invited me to Facebook and even found a long lost cousin there (her brothers daughter). She messages/ emails me almost daily. Sometimes she will text me, and occasionally she will call. This is convienient for me and I try to keep up. But she does sometimes nag and ask when we're coming to see her. Even though she vowed not to do it-lol.

Maybe you could suggest other ways of communicating that would be easier for her than a call. I really hate talking on the phone-the kids see the phone on my ear and turn into little troublemakers!!!

If she's happy to hear from you, she learned this from her mother and likely feels she'll be bothering you if she calls bc you are so busy. My mom does call but I do much more of the calling. She's said she hates to bother me. So don't be hurt. Just call. And can you ask your sister who does the calling? And at a lunch or shopping if she seems to be enjoying herself, just ask. Say "you know mom, it occurred to me you never call. How come?" Chances are she'll say she doesn't want to call at a bad time and she's used to you calling. If it's gone on this way a while, she probably figures you call when you can so why call too? If you had time to talk to her, you would be calling... Hence, if you're not calling, you're busy so more reason to feel like she might be bothering you. My mother has basically said she figures I will call when I can or am inclined to talk. When she calls, she usually has a reason and is almost apologetic for bothering me. And we have a great relationship.

My mom's mentality is that if I call her, she will call me. Sometimes she calls me (I have 4 children) but I know from talking to my sister, that she and my mom talk and text daily. It's hurtful. My mom has told my sister that she doesn't feel comfortable at my house so when she comes to visit (she stays with my sister and my sister and I live about 5 minutes away from each other) my mom doesn't come to visit me often. My parents can not stay with me and my family because we don't have the room to accommodate them. My mom makes plans with my sister, but not me. I know my mother loves me and loves the grandchildren, but she doesn't express it very well. My mom and I have not had a good relationship since I was 17 years old. I believe that my independence caused a rift and her need to control me when she couldn't anymore created a greater divide. It's hard to say. I also believe that because my mother's mom died when my mom was very young that she never really go to experience that transition with her own mother from child to adult so I don't think my mom knows how to relate to me as an adult daughter who is married with children. She often takes on the role like she needs to tell me what to do and I don't like that, for obvious reasons.

My mom was housebound for several years due to health issues. For a period of time (nearly 2 years) I called her every day and we spoke for an hour or more. It drove me insane so when I changed jobs I stopped calling her every day. I dwindled down to calling her less than once a week. I was selfish and made the situation all about me. Honestly she loved my calls and they made her day. As a housebound person with zero contacts to the outside world I was her only source of input besides the TV. Rather than seeing that I made excuses. I was busy; my kids are young and noisy; I work full time and can barely get time for my family; she was always pushing to have us visit (commuting to her is an hour and half one way).

My mom got really sick and was dead in less than four months. I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to call her but obviously can't. What I wouldn't give to go back and change my attitude. My mother was a good person but lonely and isolated. Now I can’t call her ever.

If your mom isn't toxic (and she doesn’t sound toxic by your description), I'd keep making the effort. How we do things is not a reasonable expectation of how others behave. You are correlating her love and interest in you and your family on her frequency in reaching out to you. However, if that's not how she thinks naturally, then that's unfair. My father never calls unless it is an emergency. He doesn't love me any less and doesn't desire to be in my life any less. He's just thoughtless that way. If when the person is around, he or she seems interested, then that’s where my judgment in their interest would begin.

My mom and I have a very tenuous relationship, and the only way it works for us is to keep some distance. That's my choosing, not hers. She wants to talk every day, but gets mad at me when I don't have new things to share with her.
Years ago we decided that every few days was enough.

She and I are VERY different people, and while I have learned to respect (or tolerate...?) the way she is as a person, she refuses to do the same for me.

So...when she doesn't reach out to me, it's for the best.

My Mother, father & brother are all alive and all live in the same house. I see some or all of them at least 5 days a week when I pick up my kid who they are good enought to take care of after preschool. In addition, I see them as often as 3-4x a month for a dinner/ birthday/ church event/ school event/ etc. Despite all of this together time, I also have to field and place calls to the house sometimes as many as 3-5x a day.

Dad invites me to dinner.
Mom invites me to dinner, not having checked in with dad.
I have to call my husband to check his availability.
Dad calls my husband.
Mom calls my husband.
Hubs and I have since spoken, he responds on behalf of both of us to Dad. Mom calls and asks whether we've made a decision (not having spoken to Dad).
Hubs is on the phone with brother and tells him we'll be bringing wine & dessert.
Mom calls me and says please bring ice cream.

This is not an exaggeration. Nor are they deliberately difficult. They just keep different hours and don't always communicate effectively despite being in the same house.

Just saying, the grass isn't always greener. Seems like your mom cares, she's just not one to place calls.

Best,
F. B.

Well, my mom is dead. So I can only communicate with her in dreams and prayers...she does leave me messages in the clouds sometimes...I got a heart last year and on my birthday last week? I got a smile...even my boys saw it.

Before my mom died? We'd talk on the phone, but she was having hearing problems so I talked to my dad and he relayed to her. The best time for us to talk was when they were in their car and my dad put us on speaker.

My mom really did not like talking on the phone. She didn't like shopping. She didn't like spending money. She didn't like furs. She didn't like jewelry. It was the way she was raised. She was born in the middle of The Great Depression.

Instead of waiting for her to call you? Start calling her. If she lives close enough? Start asking her for lunch once a month. IF YOU WANT THE RELATIONSHIP - you have to make it happen. You can tell that the history is there - her mother didn't call her.

So you are going to have work on this. It may take awhile to work out.

You realize your mom may NOT KNOW how to have a relationship with you as an adult?? Sounds like she wasn't shown or taught how to have a relationship with adult children. So open the door!!

My mom died several years ago and I don't miss her at all. I just don't miss her.

I do miss my mother in law almost every day. She was an awesome amazing woman.

I don't know. Maybe your mom just isn't a phone person? I know some people who just hate talking on the phone and will never call. But they will e mail or text.
My mom is my best friend. She lives in AZ and I am in VA. It is seriously awful being so far away from her. We talk 1-2 times a day on the phone and take turns visiting each other.

We talk a lot, live near each other, and she takes the boys swimming twice a week while I'm working. We also travel, shop, celebrate holidays and drink tea together.

My mother spoke to her mother every day, and while it's not absolutely everyday with us, we do get along very very well. I'm lucky.

I think old habits die hard. Some people don't make the first move. I'm a little confused because you say that when you call your mom, she is happy and excited to plan things and get together. Later you say maybe she feels obligated to say yes. But if she's happy and excited, and if she responds to your calls by planning things, that's a good sign. If she wasn't interested, that would be a much bigger problem than this admittedly annoying quirk of hers. I think it's awful that your grandmother didn't make the call to your mom's sister (grandma's daughter) and she has to live with that. But I also wonder why no one called Grandma to tell her that her daughter was dying. There's a whole lot of dropping-the-ball here.

We have a stepdaughter who isn't great at initiating, so it all falls to us. She often says she'll check everyone's schedule and get back to us with a date, but that rarely happens. So we just accept it, and keep issuing invitations, without getting too wrapped up in her timely replies. Once she even told me that she didn't send a birthday card to one of us because…get this…no one invited her to do so!! I called her out on that, believe me - I told her the greeting card industry would have collapsed decades ago if no one sent a birthday or get well or "thinking of you" card until the intended recipient issued an invitation to do so! I have no idea why she is this way - but if we can have fun gatherings, I overlook it. Usually she offers to bring something to a meal, and I do assign her something easy, to make sure she shows up on time.

I can understand why your mother's and grandmother's habits annoy you, and all you can do is make sure you don't do that to your own kids. But don't go overboard the other way and never teach your kids to make the first move. If they think you will always be the initiator, they'll become like your mother.

If your get-togethers with your mother are fun and engaging, then keep doing them and don't worry so much about who made the first move. If she stops responding, if she's sullen and disinterested, then you can address it either directly or with a counselor (or both).

Do you have a good enough relationship where you could ask her this question? Unfortunately I don't have one, really, with my mom. If I asked her something like this she would get defensive and turn the tables on me. So, I understand if asking her really doesn't get you anywhere.

I guess I would try to ask her, and if you don't get a real conversation then I would let it go.

It's sad, though. I empathize with you.

I value the relationship with my children and just can't imagine not reaching out to them unless they specifically asked me not to.

I'm an only child and my mom is my only relative left besides my husband and kids. That being said, she lives only 15 minutes from me and I only see her every couple months now. Which is weird. She used to see me and the kids all the time. She rarely calls or asks to see the kids (her ONLY grandkids). This happens to be spring break and she surprised me by telling me she had a couple days off and the kids could spend the night if they wanted. I think the big change with her happened when I married my second husband. After I got divorced, my mom was excited it was only going to be us and the kids (she has never been married). Then when I married again, I think that upset her and she has distanced herself. Which is sort of ok with me. She got pregnant at 19, I've never met my dad and was raised by my grandparents so I feel like she never really wanted me to begin with. So we have never been super close. So I guess I understand you in some way. I wish my mom bothered more but then I'm glad I don't have her up in our business all the time because then that would upset me probably more. lol My ex-in laws NEVER called my kids or see them except bday and major holidays and they lived close by. that always freaked me out but I guess some people are just like that. I don't let it bother me. I call when I think of it and go over when I want and everyone seems to be ok with it so I'm not stressing about it. It does help that my mom has a boyfriend now that keeps her busy so I'm happy about that. I guess as long as you all get along when you do talk and see each other, I wouldn't worry about it. Good luck.