Mom of Adult Child That Does Not Call Back

My parents live ten minutes from me and we don't call/visit on a weekly basis. They have their lives and I have mine, and we get in touch when something noteworthy happens.

You say that she is successful. I disagree. A successful person does not treat the person who brought them to success in such a neglectful fashion. She is a user. She will be a mom someday and will feel the same pain that she is causing you.

I'm very sorry that you are sitting in a coffee shop crying now. But really and truly, you have GOT to find something else in your life to occupy your time. If you don't, you're going to end up in an old folks home way ahead of your time, wasting away.

There is a book called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. One of his philosophical essays in the book is very honest about this issue, Mom:

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."

The reason that you are worrying about her so much is that you have forgotten that children are not born to meet their parents' needs. They are born to be the next generation and live like it. She is living like it, and you cannot bear the idea that her life isn't about you now. Like sand in a hand that clutches too hard and pours out of your fingers, she will fight the idea of having to be accountable to you, even if she doesn't know that she fighting it.

I suggest that you read the following threads (in order). Not just the actual questions, but all of the answers and THEN the So What Happens the original poster wrote. I am not saying that you are just like the mother that this daughter is talking about. However, I think it would be useful for you to see a grown daughter's perspective.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/10864634343016562689

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6739861529816203265

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/2305727664209788929

You can be hurt and fight this thing with your daughter all you want, but you are just hurting your relationship with her, hurting yourself, and hurting her by doing it. It is in your best interest to figure out how to change the way you think. Perhaps going to counseling would help you. You sure do need to find something to do with your time other than sit in a coffee shop crying, Mom. Really and truly.

Good luck.

Jen B said it perfectly..

You are making your daughter feel guilty by doing this..if you really want her to contact you. Text her and do not bother her again, until she contacts you first.

Move on with your life. She is obviously doing great...be glad that she is not needy....

I know this is hard.. In our family..it is my husband that would call our daughter every day if he could get away with it, but I remind him, she is a grown woman.. He would not want his mom calling and texting too often..

J., you are making me cry! I have grown children and I totally get where you are coming from. TOTALLY! I too struggle sometimes..... as do all my friends.

These are a few things that help me.

1) Worrying does nothing productive! NOTHING! Obsessing about whether she is okay.....nothing. If something happens she lives far away and it is totally out of your control. Besides, she could text you that she is fine and then fall down a flight of stairs...... it would be a week before you knew you were supposed to be worrying again. Remind yourself that she is no longer in your control..... or your responsibility. Let it go. I know.... not easy after years and years of dedicating your life to helping to create her happiness and being totally responsible for her. As I said, I struggle too.

2) It is unlikely she is playing a game. She is busy and she is happy and she probably doesn't look at her texts or looked and then forgot to call you back or text you. If things go awry..... you'll probably hear from her.

3) I spoke to my Mom every week too, but my kids are not me.

4) This is a transition in her life. It does not mean this is how it will be forever. When she settles down and/or matures she will likely come back to you. Right now she is busy trying to be her own person. Which means you did a good job raising a self-reliant young woman!

Not to put you down, but there used to be a standard "line" in comedies for adult mother characters: "What's the matter with you? You don't call, you don't write..."

I have four adult children who don't do much communicating with me - unless, of course, they need something from me. They are all married, and they also have many friends, people their age. I wish we were closer in heart. But we're not. They don't hate me (I don't think). They're busy with their own lives, and I simply don't occur to them.

There's an upside to that. But only if I choose to look at it that way.

I suggest that you stop contacting your daughter. Don't announce that you're going to do it; just do it. No more calls or texts. Let her do the contacting. (She will, especially if there's something wrong.)

Doing this is going to be hard on you; what will you do to compensate? Invest your time and energy in some other people - folks you're not related to. Do you go to church? Learn how to help teach Sunday School. Volunteer to do something (with a group) that enables you to talk to other people and help them. Join a gym or an exercise class. Learn how to use a camera. Check books out of the library. Make more of a life for yourself that doesn't include your daughter.

It could be that you'll find some other people, especially younger people, who need an extra mama, and you can do that job well.

It could also be that when your daughter doesn't hear from you, SHE'LL wonder if something has happened to YOU. Nice switch, huh? Well, something will have.

Oh, I just looked at the other comments, and I seem to be repeating a lot of other people.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. However, she's an adult. You cannot make her do anything.

So how would I handle it? Kinda like reverse psychology.

She knows how to push your buttons. She does it. You get upset. So instead of making demands upon her for her time - even a check in? Just stop.

Don't call her.
Don't e-mail her.
Don't text her.

She will notice it. She will wonder why you haven't called and most likely make the attempt to call you. When she calls - tell her you are busy. Glad to hear she's fine and say "Love you, Bye". It will spark her....she might make a better attempt when she realizes that she can't push your buttons anymore.

She is an adult. You cannot expect her to "check in" with you. Your relationship with your mom is NOT your relationship with your daughter. You can't have it the way you want it. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

Overall? Stop allowing her to dictate how you feel. That's exactly what you are doing. Allowing her to control how you feel. You are wanting a relationship that you believe you should have. Do many have that? Probably. I talk with my parents frequently - almost daily - sometimes twice a day. It all depends. However, my parents have NEVER pushed a relationship with me. Does that make sense?

From my point of view - you are pushing a relationship with her. She's being stubborn and bullish. You can't change that. You can only accept who she is.

So take the step back. Stop reaching out. I know it will hurt. I know it will bother you. However, let HER come to you. Let her work on her end.

Good luck!

Ok, we'll first I totally understand why you are upset. I know I am not your daughter, but I was raised by an awesome single mama and had to work through this very same issue when I was the exact same age, so maybe I can help. First off, your daughter loves you and you did not fail as a mother!!! You have a grown daughter with a fast paced life making it on the great big world! So from where I sit, you did great, and all by yourself! Second, your daughter is ok. She is grown, if you could just live your life with the knowledge that she is ok, you will b so much happier mama!!! You do not 'need' her to verify that she is ok, that is very annoying from the kid's perspective (I speak from experience;). Actually you are putting this thing on her that you can't feel ok without this call from her, an that is creating a lot of relationship stress. Thirdly, unintentionally you have introduced guilt. She owes you this, you need verification she is fine, you are not asking a lot etc. So basically she is not living up to your expectations. When my mom and I went through this she would call and call, an sometimes at really bad times or whatever. Well before I was ready to call back or had a chance to call back, there she was calling me again. I knew she was already ticked, that I had already failed to meet her needs and that made me tend to stay away, bc I dreaded the beginning of h conversation to deal with her hurt feelings. She never gave me time and never gave me time to just want to call. So I actually talked to her, told her I loved her very much but she had to call less bc I couldn't handle always feeling like I was failing her. We worked it out and have stayed super close, now we talk lie five times a day! I am now a mom if three boys and she has been so therefor me! But at that time she gave me my space and we were able to get close again. I know I have just gone on an on but h last thing is this, it is not your daughter 's fault that you don't have other family, if you keep beating that drum you are going to push her away. My advice is this, if you want to talk once per week, call once per week, then wait for her to call you back. No matter what you do you cannot force a person even a child to relate to you. Call her, tell her you love her and want to talk. Leave all the guilt behind and trust she does love you and will let you back in her life, though it may take a little time...hang in there!

My grandmother used to frequently chastise my mother for not being in touch/calling often. My mom called it nagging. She will sometimes say " I hope I don't nag you like my mother nagged me". She does.
When I was your daughter's age it bothered me. I was single, busy, and had no children of my own. We probably talked bi-weekly.
Now that I have my own children and am settled we communicate several times a week if not daily via email and chat often.
I'm with wild woman, let your daughter come to you. It is rude for her not to respond, but she may not have time or much to report. At least in her eyes.

You are smothering her...just...stop...now. You come across as quite demanding in your post. I have a feeling that you do lay down the guilt trip the next time you talk to her... It makes her feel guilty and resentful and thus dreads the next phone call from you....and it becomes a viscious cycle.

Please take comfort from the fact that you have raised a strong, independent woman. Please don't make demands on her. If something happens to her, you WILL be notified. No need to be on pins and needles until you get the text from her. Your behaviour is pushing her away.

It's time for you to find our own activities with people your age. Take up a hobby or go back to school. Fill in the void that is missing.

Your daughter will call you when she can.

My daughter and I talk about every two days. Sometimes a week goes by without speaking. Her last job was very difficult and she did not have time to talk on the phone. When she finished her shift, she didn't want to be on a phone. Things have changed and we speak.

My son is a different story. If I hear from him in three months I am doing good. He is married and has his own family and time passes. He forgets to call us back. It maybe three or four days later when he says "Ill call you tonight."

I don't worry about either. If something was really wrong, the police would call or they would call from the hospital. What's that saying no news is good news.

My mom is gone over 50 years and it might have been nice to have the relationship you speak of. I don't know what it would have been like. But I know that I give my adult children space and they call when they need something like a recipe or a how to.

All will work out. Just find something else to do. Remember you are responsible for your own happiness.

the other S.

There have been times in my life when once a week was a bit much to contact my Mom.
Especially when I was beginning my career.
Now we talk maybe once a week, but often it's once every 2 or 3 weeks - and we're fine with it.
We're both doing our own thing.
She doesn't have a cell phone or even an answering machine.
So if I call and she doesn't answer I just call back a few days later.
Your daughter's not playing a game - she's just living her life - and it gets busy sometimes.
Talking to her once a week is no proof nor protection against anything happening to her.
Your worry does nothing but project a sense of neediness on your part.
You need to step back and let her come to you.
Be too busy to call her back every so often.
You want what you had with your mother, but that's an expectation you are going to have to let go of.
Your daughter is not you.
You raised a child to adulthood!
She's a competent capable woman making her way in the world!
Be proud and assume no news is good news.
Now relax and have some fun with your friends!

This sounds more like your wish that she would check in on you, than your need to check in on her. Instead of projecting how you wish she would behave on her, why not work on getting to know her as an adult? When you do talk, do you LISTEN to her? Ask about HER life? ...or complain about how much she isn't living up to your expectations of her and lamenting the loss of your own connection with your mother and somehow making her feel like she isn't measuring up...again? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really hear a disconnect between what you say your motives are and what you wish would happen.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. When my husband was getting phone calls on a daily basis from his parents, he felt smothered. He talked to them about it in a very direct manner, on several occasions, but their behavior didn't change. His solution was to stop answering the phone when they called. Please get some counseling to work through these very real and very painful issues (of losing your mom, feeling alone) before she feels like my husband did. There is help available to move through these heavy feelings. You're not alone AND so worth it!

Good luck!

PS- when my they finally stopped harassing my husband, he started to call them...and he does it regularly, but certainly not daily. They have a much better relationship now, but they had to go through a long drought to get there. I hope you are able to refocus your good intentions elsewhere, before they drive your daughter further away.

"I feel neglected by her now." Not good. She is not responsible for taking care of your feelings and emotions. You are a grown woman.

You absolutely can't rely on another human to make you feel important. All you will be left with is disappointment, hurt, and confusion. And the other person will be resentful, annoyed, and want to escape. This is NOT just about a phone call or a text. It's the intent. You have to understand, you ARE being demanding. You are demanding (without words, or I think even meaning to) her to be responsible for your worth and feeling of importance. You don't just want to know she's OK, you want to know she still needs you in some way. This is unfair. Every communication comes laced with guilt.

I have almost no relationship with my own mother, because she wants me to need her. She wants me to communicate with her, but it's because she wants to feel important. She made us feel responsible for her worth in life. If we didn't somehow make her feel like a good mom (by calling, emailing, whatever) then she was sad. I feel guilty, angry, and resentful. And I don't call back. I'm sick of being responsible for her feelings as a mother.

Please, step back. Think about the INTENT of your request. It's not just to know she's OK, is it? (I know you also want to know she is OK.) This is tied to your emotions and your sense of worth as a mother...even if just a tiny bit...isn't it? Stop doing this. Let her flourish and let her be, and I bet she will call you more, on her terms...and she will be very happy and relieved about that.

She is not being selfish, she is setting a boundary. One you have yet to understand.

You're comparing her unwillingness to "check in" with you to your ex husband neglecting you. That's not normal. She does not need to constantly keep tabs with you since she is an adult. I'm assuming you have always nagged her about such things? I bet she's sick of it. Why not ask her about her life? Be involved.

I think she's selfish.

Unfortunately I also think you need to find a way to move on and not base your worth on her communication.

My stepson annoys me to no end by not responding to calls, texts, etc. I find it rude. Sometimes it's "Hey, are you going to be home for dinner?" or sometimes it's "Your baby sister is in the hospital." Neither one gets a response. Ticks me off. But other times he's texting at the table (which we have called him on) so I know someone gets a response. Meh.

But I can either let it really bug me or I can focus on other people. And if he doesn't respond, he misses out.

I realize your family is small right now and YOU miss YOUR mom. So why not call your aunt, your sibling, your friend?

And try not to worry that something happened to her. If something did, they would tell you.

of course it's not asking too much. very reasonable.
but i can also see how the importance you attach to it is making your daughter feel strangled. so much hurt and anger and expectations.
i'm sure there is history here affecting your daughter's decision to be so unavailable. i think the best thing you can do is the hardest- respect her need to contact you only on her terms, and don't guilt-trip her about it. hopefully once she realizes you're not going to pursue and cling to her, she'll feel more comfortable getting in touch more often.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

My husband and his mother have been going thru this for the last 4 years.. We all used to live close and now that we live out of state she expects a phone call from him on one of his days off every week. When we first got here and we didnt have any friends and just 1 kid it wasnt too hard to give her a call once a week.. but 4 years later we have our own lives with friends and we added another kid to the mix.. there really just isnt the time.

Once a week is a lot... not all that much happens in a weeks time. On the weekends we do things as a family and times gets away. He still calls her once every couple weeks but every time she gives him this guilt trip and it makes him call her less and less..

You need to be understanding.. you said she has a busy successful life and you need to let her live it. You are going to push her away because calling you will become a chore instead of something she wants to do. Which im sure is something you dont want. Its hard to let go but it really is the best thing. The less my mother in law calls and texts my husband the more likely he is to want to give her a call.

Your post brought a tear to my eye because I have a daughter, my only child. And because I should call my parents more often than I do. I hope you are feeling better today, J.. Leave it be for now and let your daughter contact you when she can. Unfortunately, we can't force it. Hugs.

OK - I am saving Doris Day's response for the point in the future when my sons are grown and gone. :'(

J., I'm so sorry you're going through this. You got alot of good advice here, but my heart hurts for you.

Hang in there and find a young woman/mom to nurture with all your years of wisdom.

Lovesmommyhood and the 5 mothers who agreed with her, you are going to reap what you sow. You are too busy with friends?? So, you do take time to call your friends but not time to talk to the parents who raised you? wow

J. V., your daugher is mean. Try to not contact her and then watch and see she will call you and ask, "What's worng?". Do not say that you were awaiting her call. Act busy! Say that you were caught up with rearranging furniture, planning a luncheon with firends, joining a church group, etc. Even if it is not true.

How can ANY of you be too busy to call once a week?? Keep living...

Hm. I'm a super busy person but I always call my mom once a week. And I don't even get along with my mom most of the time! I just know it means a lot to her. What if you wrote your daughter a letter telling her how much it would mean to you if you talked on the phone every other Sunday. Don't make her feel guilty and don't be overly emotional in the letter. Be very straightforward about it though. Tell her you will let her make the call...then wait and don't call her. It's worth a try. My mom never calls me bc when she does it almost always is a time I cannot talk....she lets me call her when the time is right. I hope your letter gets through to your daughter. If not, please make yourself happy with your friends and doing plenty of things you like to do in life.

I haven't read any of the responses you've received yet. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone with this. My younger brother does not keep in touch with any of the rest of us, unless HE has news to share, and then he expects all of us to be so excited and over-the-top happy for him as though we are best buds. I have reached out to him, called, texted, and typically get nothing in return. I had hopes that it would all change when he got married last year, but nothing. So now he has had cancer and gotten married. His wife is now pregnant with their first child. If none of those three events has inspired him to reach out to family members, well, then nothing will. I am not angry, just disappointed and sad that I have a sibling and no relationship. Now if you were to ask him, he'd probably say we have a great relationship. I've realized he's a narcissist. I am here if he wants to reach out in the future, but I no longer try. He is the same way with my parents--they don't hear from him for weeks and weeks--for a long time he was unemployed, and still, was "too busy" to call or text. My dad had open heart surgery a few weeks ago--my brother lives the closest to my parents, by several hours, and has no children (I have 3 and my sister has 5). My parents had to twist his arm to get him to visit my dad in the hospital--and when he does say he'll do something, he's so unreliable. He visited once, then promised my mom he'd be back at the hospital to keep her company. Well, he never showed up, never called or texted. I am DONE! My mom is heartbroken, says he wasn't raised like this, doesn't know why he's like this. I say don't blame yourself, some people are just like this, unfortunately. Like I said, I am here if he wants a relationship, but I am done trying. I don't want to be the one to have regrets, and I won't, because I am willing to have a relationship. I just refuse to keep trying and get rejected. Sorry for this long response, I guess what I'm saying is, it's not your fault, try to love your daughter and pray for her, but let her be the one to reach out to you. Hopefully she will mature and seek out that relationship. Good luck to you.

I'm pretty sure I always spoke with my parents at least once a week so I think you have a righ to be angry etc. but may e she's like a boy... Im pretty sure my husband didn't check in once week at that age. But someday she'll have kids of her own and feel badly she's acting like this. All you can do is be glad she is successful-so many people her age aren't these days and then I agree to ignore her. It likely will help you not wait for her text. Don't reach out again and when she does, be brief. Crazy to do with your own child but only choice you have now. And of course she loves you. She's just being a pain. I was still a teenager in certain ways at that age. That's what Shea acting like. A text takes 5 seconds...

Ask her for a "reserved time". I know this sounds impersonal, but if it's really bothering you (which it should), then ask her for a "good time" to call each week. When each of us left for college, all my parents asked is that we call on Sunday afternoon/evening. Any calls in between were a bonus, but Sunday was NOT optional. This continued into our adult lives. We all live near them now, so we talk and see them throughout the week, but during the 15 years that I lived far away... every Sunday night. Without fail. Without exception.

I'm sorry, but your daughter is behaving in a selfish manner. If she can't find 30 minutes somewhere in her 'busy life' to call her mom... well, she's going to burn out.

Ask her for a time and day of the week. It may be in the car on her way to or from work... Sunday during her walk through the park...whatever. Then stick to it. If you call or text at different times during the week, bonus. If you call her and she doesn't pick up leave a "You don't need to call me back. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Talk to you on Thursday" message and go on with your day.

Just my opinion here, but she's being disrespectful and wont' understand why you worry until she has her own children.

I don't think u r asking too much but your daughter must, so just back off a bit and don't mention it. Don't reach out and see when she calls, then don't discuss the frequency of contact but hey how are you, I have been up to xyz.

Hi J.- your post made me tear up! Not just for you, but because I have an only as well, and worry about this often (she's only 13 now).

Assuming there are no problems in your relationship, she is just busy, then you made need to adjust your expectations for your own survival and well being. I will say I'm disappointed that she makes you so upset.

This may not apply to you, but to illustrate I'll tell you about my husband. My MIL texts my husband all the time. She has all day to have these text conversations and thinks it's just great. He does not have the time for this. So for a while he just didn't text back (hoping she would learn that he is busy). She only texted more. But really, he then started to feel badly. So he does what you want your daughter to do, and will text back that he's fine but can't talk. Then he will make more of an effort on the weekend to actually give her a call.

I think if you find a way to calm your anxiety and realize that you have no reason to think that something bad has happened to her, you will be much happier. And perhaps contacting her less will change the dynamic between you. Maybe she feels like she doesn't have a chance to get in touch with you, because you are always in touch with her.

I think you are mostly sad that this seems like it's a chore for her, and rightly so- that's not a nice feeling. I dread this very thing, it would break my heart. But hopefully it's phase and she will start taking the initiative once you back off a little. I'm glad your life is otherwise full, keep that up.

Big hugs to you, I hope things will improve.

Make it every other week , say on a Sunday. That is if she calls you back so you can discus this with her. I do not think once a week is a lot. I live with mine and talk to her everyday. But she is a busy women it seems and once a week is to much for her. Stop leaving messages all the time. Leave one every other week. If she calls back in a timely manner and she should, then go from there.

If she does not call you back, wait it out. I know its hard but she will call when she finds the time. I am sad she treats you this way. But you cannot make her do what you want. Except that she is this way. While your sitting and being so upset and I do not blame you. She is out having fun doing her own thing. Not a care in the world. Enjoy your life with a call every two weeks...maybe.

I understand your feelings. I am estranged from my mother and have been since December. I have tried to reach out with a couple of emails and got no response. The only response I got was when I told her I was heartbroken over something she posted on Facebook. Even then, it was cold, heartless, and mean. Before December, we were very close. Practically best friends. I, like you, don't want to look like a fool. So I decided I won't try anymore.
Let your daughter contact you on her terms. Like everyone else said, she's successful and independent. Be thankful, sounds like you did a good job raising her. Make sure she knows you are proud of her everyday. Don't point out silly or insignificant things like not calling. It will get better.

I'm sorry :-( my mom lives down the street from me and we probably talk once a week or so. I imagine more time might go by if we lived further away. I feel bad this is happening...I have a daughter, she is 10 now, but I worry and hope we stay close through the years.