Yesterday we were working on his valentines box for day care, and as he was cutting out his first heart, he slipped and cut a straight line instead of a curved line. I showed him that we could just cut the other side as straight, too, and it looks like he meant to do it, but he was crying his poor heart out! (No pun intended) Tears were streaming down his face, and he is crying that it's so horrible, he can't do it right, and pounding his fist on the table. I asked him to go to his room to get himself under control, because pounding on the table isn't the best way to show his frustration. Once he came out we discussed what happened, how it made him feel, and how he can better handle it next time something doesn't turn out "perfect". I reassured him that Mommy and Daddy don't want him to be perfect, and that the best way to learn something is to mess up a few times, but keep trying, and he will eventually get it. Needless to say, we decided to putt he box away for the rest of the day and move on to something else, but how do I help him learn that things don't have to be perfect?
So we sat down and finished his box last night. He cut out the rest of the hearts with no problem, and I praised praised praised his willingness to try again, and after it was all done, and he didn't want to add any more to it, I stood back to look at it with him and let him know that I could tell that he worked really hard on it, and I think that's wonderful. I also thanked him for being willing to let Mommy help so we could spend time together. lol
It sounds like you handled it very well. I truly think it's just a phase. We've all seen that particular meltdown.
My only suggestion is to praise effort, not outcome.
Be specific in praise. Rather than saying youre the best artist in the world, youre so brilliant, I try to say, your cutting skills are really improving. I can see how hard you've been working on using sciccors. I like the way you made a kooky shaped heart, it's very unique.
Some children are born perfectionists. My older daughter (now 9) is that way. She doesn't care if WE want her to be perfect, SHE wants to be perfect. She has an idea in her head of how she wants things to go, and if it doesn't go that way, she is upset with herself. If we tell her, "Oh, it doesn't matter if you're perfect, we love you just the way you are!" she just feels invalidated, like we don't understand what's important to her. She needs us to say, "What are you having trouble understanding so you can do it better next time?" - THEN she feels like we get it.
You may enjoy reading the book "Bounce: Mozart, Federer, Picasso, Beckham, and the Science of Success" by Matthew Syed. He studied exactly how all of these notorious perfectionists/experts in their fields became so good at what they do. Bottom line: tons of practice, expert coaching, and a love of what they do. The science shows that everyone (everyone!) can be excellent at any chosen thing (whether it's math, soccer, playing the piano, driving, you name it) as long as they practice (and practice and practice, mindfully and purposefully), and have good coaching. This is helpful to keep in mind when you have a perfectionist child. They already have the willingness and drive to be great at what they do. You just need to point them in the right direction and provide them with the coaching they need. Kids like this often times LOVE to be pushed (academically, socially, in sports, the arts, etc) - so go ahead and push them. They work best and learn the most when they work at the upper limits of their abilities.
You are doing well with you son, I think - praise his effort and then show him what he needs to do to perform the task better next time. Have him practice on a piece of paper that is not important (so he knows it's for practice, not the "real thing"). When his Valentine box is done, don't say, "Wow, that looks great! It's perfect!" Instead, say, "Wow! You really worked hard on that. Isn't it neat to see what your hard work can accomplish?" He will begin to appreciate the process instead of the outcome. Obviously to him, the outcome will always be important, as it should be, but he will understand that he has to go through a process to get to the outcome he wants. :)
My daughter is this way with EVERYTHING. I think that telling them "it doesn't have to be perfect" doesn't really help. I think that by showing how we can take a mistake and make it into something better is the way to go. Not always an easy task, but I know that when I have found a way to do that with a project, I can see my daughter light up with the idea that it worked out!
She goes so far with this that when we get a project that came in a box, she throws a fit if she can't get it just like whats on the box! Sometimes the parts aren't even the same as whats pictured. Those days are fun, not.
You just have to keep encouraging them to re-route their plan to make it work, but don't let their frustrations frustrate you, perfectionism isn't such a bad thing. :)
Sounds to me as if you handled it well. You can look for times when *you* don't do something to perfection, and can say, "Oops... I made a mistake." Let him see that mistakes are acceptable, and even his mama makes a lot of them as she tries to do her best.
Best efforts are much, much better than perfect-or-nothing!
Even those artists, athletes, and others who are celebrated in their fields, whom the world applauds as "perfect," aren't. They've learned to do well by making mistakes and learning from them.
On your son's side, I remember back to medieval times, when I was a child and was frustrated with myself for not being able to cut out paper dolls as beautifully as I wanted to do. It took a long time for me to decide that my best effort was okay.
By showing him that you yourself are willing to accept things when they aren't perfect or don't come out the way you want it to.
Read the article how Not to talk to kids. Make sure you praise effort not outcome.
My son is 5 and half and he's just the way you describe your son! I am glad to know it's a phase most children go through and not a trait of his personality ;-) We all, as parents, want for our children to handle well their frustration and accept fail, since it'll happen from time to time in adult life, but I can see how they are eager to learn and to do everything well immediately. I too think it's something they'll grow out of. I also think we can take advantage of this phase to teach them that it's important to strive for perfection but so is to practice patience and acceptance of our limits. I think you are doing just fine!
Model the correst behaviors when you or your husband make mistakes.
Point out when other people have made a mistake and how they handle it.
Then discuss how to try to problem solve in these situations and how to ask for help..
This is very normal.. Heck our daughter is 21 and still gets frustrated when she has a project and it does not end up exactly as she wanted or planned.
I always tell her "YOUR 'imperfections'.. are MY best".. I wish I could do as well as her.
Man, that's my 5-year old son to a T! No suggestions, but certainly curious to see the answers you get!
Best of luck,
I think you are handling it fine. My daughter is 4 and sometimes she gets really frustrated when she can't get something perfect or "just right" - I will ask her if she wants help, or to take a break, or to keep trying. Sometimes if she wants to keep trying but is still getting more and more worked up I just make her take a break for a while. I think it also helps when she sees me make a mistake or forget something and I just pretend to laugh about it instead of getting really upset - "Oh look! Mommy messed up! Isn't that silly?" I remind her that she just has to try her best, I don't expect it to be perfect.
My brother was like that a lot too. Maybe your son will grow up to be an engineer like him.
