Daughter Afraid to Fail

Dear I.,

I haven't had your particular experience, but I did notice some behaviors in a friend's child which were equally obnoxious two years ago. Now she seems to have outgrown a lot of the negative attention-getting behaviors and tantruming. I know her parents spend a lot of time talking to her to help her understand her needs and positive ways of getting them met.

So, for instance, why are you crying/yelling, ...? What is it you want? Then something like, "do you think this is the best way to get that?" Or, "what could we do to help you?" What they are really good at as a couple is responding to the daughter's hype without showing fear or anxiety. They just seemed to accept it all as normal. At the time I thought her incredibly spoiled and willful, but after a recent visit, I have to say she has matured and developed fine manners as well as evidencing the ability to consider the needs of others in a thoughtful, caring way.

So, while taking in the many suggestions you receive, don't forget that she is only 7-years old and we have a very perfectionist society. Allow her to explore. Encourage, support, teach and mirror her behaviors so that she can learn better ways to deal with life and frustration. It might help also to get an older cousin involved, a youth she likes and trusts who can help her understand that such behaviors don't go over big with her peers (or anyone else). Kids learn a lot from other kids. Being around kids and wanting to make friends is a big incentive for changing negative habits, too.

Good luck and God Bless,
S.

As for her schoolwork, can you teach her breathing techniques? Do this before she begins her work to remind her to breathe and to relax. I think the breathing exercises may help. good luck!! I am an adult that remembers when I was a kid I was afraid to fail so I didn't try anything and I hated losing. I would have her try all sorts of sports and play all kinds of games and give her rewards just for trying something new and for acting in the right matter. Talk to her about good sportsmanship and why tell her noone is great at something the first time they try it, that is why people practic. Also, I would have her watch sports and activities and when people miss the basket or miss a goal just cheer for them and say "great try!" Talk to her about what "playing" means, it means hanging out with your friends and cheering others on whether they get a goal or not. It isn't about winning, but having fun and if you are too afraid to try new things then think about all of the things you are going to miss out on. I know I did! Try group sports first like Soccer. I think Baseball or something where everyone is staring at her is very intimidating. There are also leagues that don't solely focus on winning like church leagues. I really wish someone would have persuaded me to try new things, but I was the shortest kid in the class and new I really wasn't good at anything, I didn't realize that I would be missing out on the team and "playing with friends" aspect.

I think alot of children feel this way at one time or another.
My daughters both went through this and it did not last long.
It sounds as though she feels the need to be and act"perfect" for some reason.
I would start by reassuring her that everyone makes mistakes and we learn from our mistakes and nobody is perfect, that it is ok for her NOT to be perfect either.

Good luck

The other responses contain some wonderful responses. The only thing I would add is getting the teacher involved! Your child needs to understand the purpose of homework - it is to practice what she is learning. It is a place to make mistakes and a way to let the teacher know what the kids understand and what they don't. Yes, a child should take care and make an effort, but there is no shame in not understanding the concepts, or in telling the teacher if there is a problem. I would set up a conference, or at least make a phone call. Teachers are accustomed to kids having stresses. If your daughter is NOT doing this in school, they won't know! This needs to be dealt with now - I have a niece who never used an eraser - she always did things over (often 10 times) rather than indicate that there had been one tiny error. She's now 25 and this perfectionism plagues her to this day.

The other thing is to try to get her to understand that other kids on the sports team are thinking about their own performance, not about hers. Many teams in our town don't even keep score for younger kids - it's about skill development. She might try some things that are not competitive.

You can try some counseling, perhaps through the school - the longer this goes on, the harder it will be for her. Good luck!

We went through the same thing with our son when he was that age. He was brilliant, advanced in all his classes. So much so that they put him in Gifted and Talented. Well, the rest of the class caught up with him. He hit a certain age where things didn't come as easy for him anymore because the workload was just, in natural progression, more challenging.
Being told he was brilliant all his life and now facing challenge, well what's the opposite of brilliant? He thought he was suddenly stupid and was afraid to try anything out of fear he would look it. And disappoint all those who doted on his "brilliance" all those years.
This came out after counseling because he was afraid to do ANYTHING. Baseball, homework, emptying the dishwasher, you name it.
I learned my lesson with this poor darling. Don't over-emphasis smarts. Praise for doing their best, not for being brilliant.
My son still has some frustration issues when faced with school things that are challenging but thankfully after counseling we got over the self-loathing and "I'm stupid" talk. He also has no fear to try new things and is OK for the most part if it doesn't work out.
Good luck to you!

I.,

My son turned 7 in March, he is in first grade, and without exception EVERY night is a struggle with homework. I think the "No Child Left Behind" act has done WAY more harm than good, all it has done is taught children how to take tests, and taught parents to do homework (again!!) But I digress...

Your daughter is probably a little stressed out. My little guy is a perfectionist. He gets very worried something isn't completed properly with his homework. I think a lot of it is age. I don't have an answer at this point but maybe you could try:

Maybe put her in non-competitive activities for a while?

Make sure she has some kind of outlet, a journal, or someone she can really talk to if she has any concerns. I constantly ask my little guy whats on his mind. Generally, he tells me "not much", but sometimes he'll tell me about a test in school, or how someone teased him about the kind of drink box he had - stuff to us that is really insignificant is their ENTIRE world, you know?

Good luck to you!!

I.,

Educational testing is highly valuable for assessing her learning skills & abilities. The schools are supposed to provide it free but that has it's own set of issues. You can have it done privately ( it's costly but gives the parent more control in the help them plan).

Since she is above average the school will shy from giving it to her. Depends on the school.

I say this because I have a 15 yr old boy who was also above average in the earlier grades & now has issues. He was tested and we are providing him with solutions.

Learning & our environment has changed so much in the years since we went to school.The children need so many more skills to deal.

Just wish we had done this years ago.

I could recommend who we used. Consults free.

Good Luck,

R.

Single business owner Mom, supportive Dad. awesome son live in Holden

Hi,
One thing I have read over the years is that our children become perfectionists in a couple of ways. First they are born with their own wonderful personalities. And secondly we model behaviors that they copy, because they love us so much. So if your daughter's personality tends towards risk aversion, it is more important than ususal that you model behaviors that let her know it's ok to make mistakes. So if any one in the house is "hard on themselves", it's a good time to learn to chill out, for your daughter's sake. Laugh a lot, make mistakes, fix them, say aloud, "That's ok,the world isn't ending." and move on. I know this is easier said than done, but it is quite effective. Also, if you are stumped for ideas, you may want to meet with a therapist once or twice for ideas tailored to your daughter. Good luck!

I'm sure you can turn this around, but it will take a conscious effort and a lot of reinforcement. Your daughter is afraid of failing, so there are two things to do: teach her that making mistakes is normal and isn't the end of the world, and teach her how to problem-solve.

Basically, start highlighting examples in real life of how it's normal not to know what the best answer is. Then make sure she can see that not knowing isn't the end of the world. We aren't all born knowing what to do and how to do everything. When we make mistakes, the whole world doesn't stop to laugh at us. Try some reality testing. Ask her if she can think of a time a friend of hers made a mistake. If she can, then ask her if she still likes her friend, or if it was okay that her friend made the mistake. If she still likes her friend, point that out, that friends don't leave you because you messed up. If her friend got punished really severely or something, then explain that that won't happen every time someone makes a mistake. If she can't think of an example, make one up and ask her what she would think in that situation.

Then just walk her through the steps of what to do as a kid when you don't know what to do. They go something like this: (1) Stay calm. Take a deep breath and let it out.(2) Think about your options. (3) Do the best you can. (4) See what happens. (5)Find an adult you can talk to if you don't like the outcome.

Definitely try to figure out if she herself or a friend of hers got in trouble or was ridiculed for being wrong -- at home, school, etc. Try to get her teacher(s)/extended family on board with teaching problem solving and being willing to listen in the beginning.

I just read a fantastic article in Mothering Magazine, issue May-June 2008. Titled "Real Girl vs Real World" I think it could really help for you to understand what is going on with your daughter. I have a six year old, whom we had to work hard on her confidance as well. Ecourage the things she likes to do and set up opportunities for her to see herself successed esp in the activites she likes, no matter how simple they are. Make sure dad praises her too. Don't set high expectation for her to do things just so...if you know what I mean. Chill out and let her make mistakes...let her see you make mistakes and handle them with confindence, "Oh well, that didn't go right but I learned such and such from this mistake." Actually say it, it will help you feel better about yourself too. May double check your expectation and you and dad should set reasonable ones for her age...no crying (or yelling) over spilled milk, just grab a rag clean it up, laugh a little and move on. Humor is a huge help...my husband is particulary good with this one. He helps us see the humor and helps us chill when things start to boil. I've been adapting more humor in my parenting and it really helps.
You may be able to access the Article by going to www.mothering.com.
T.

I'm 28 mom of Corinne 6, Ayla 3.

When researching birth orders, this is very common for the first born child. Make sure the teacher at school is not adding pressure to her to "perform". Also check your own attitude toward her not being the "perfect" child.

When you daughter is working on something, before she gets frustrated praise her effort. Make a much bigger deal about they way she tries to figure something out then actually figuring it out.

This is a great article about this idea:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Try some modeling with her - show her how YOU handle frustration and difficult situations. She may just need to see first hand that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect...if she can see you "slip-up" now and then, she may pick up skills to handle her own mistakes.

For example - the next time you are driving in the car, pretend to take a wrong turn. As you turn around, say "Whoops, that was a silly mistake! I will just stay calm and figure out how to fix it. Let's turn around and try it again. Wow, even mommies make mistakes sometimes." Or try a new recipe with her (most kids love cooking!) and voice your frustration with the difficult recipe. You could calmly say that you find it hard to understand, so you need to take a breath and look at it step by step.

By "thinking out loud" you will give her the language she can use to handle frustrating situations, and show her that it's ok to make mistakes. That's how we learn best! When I taught first grade, my students LOVED to see me make mistakes! They would giggle and take great pleasure in correcting me. Hope this helps!

HI I. I'm new to this site. My 5 year old daughter is also very high strung. A great web site that has helped me is askdrsears.com. I have found that treating my daughter's "tantrums" (when she fails) as any other unacceptable behavior is begining to help her control her outburst. She receives a time out with each eruption and when she has calmed down I have to explain that we can not always be right or be the winner. A first I ended up having to put her in repeated time outs but after much consistence and patience she is coming around.

Good luck. My parents tell me it is pay back for when I was a child. HA HA

When you over protect your children, they rely on you insted of learning about themselves. Children learn from their falures as well as their successes. Your daughter should be allowed to fail. Let her experience it on her own so she can find out that nothing is going to happen. It's ok to fail.